“JD Tries Again” by Michael

“Lem says we should talk.” says Matthew.

“Yeah. I’m…a-“ says JD. But then he blows off Matthew.

“We’re waiting. Not you.” says Matthew.

“J. D. STOP!” says Bobby Kennedy Junior. “You’re being rude.”

“I’m so sick of these assholes!” yells JD Vance.

“Oh dear this is not going well!” says a reader, imagining themselves as a servant in Downton Abbey. They rush off, in a wave of shock and disappointment and worry and actually…some excitement. Why excitement? Because it’s entertaining.

You know? One of those smart servants on Downton Abbey. Who had secret personal lives. And were complex. And fascinating. Just…smart.

Anyway…

“Welp.” says Prof. Lucy. B, in the afterlife. “I’ll play the servant please…for reasons that are between me and God.

So…I don’t get the sense that- Oh- Oh, okay. So…you don’t wanna talk to me either?” she says to JD Vance.

“No, he was going to talk to you, but then Lacey misunderstood him.” says Usha.

“OK, sure.” says Lucy. B (patronizingly).

“So if I had a title of some sort you’d take me seriously?” says Matthew to JD.

“Ahh…yeah, I would.” says JD.

“I have a feeling I had a higher rank than you in the military, but Lacey doesn’t know that for sure so we’re not gonna go with that…but just imagine that I did. A far superior ranking to yours and I did service that would make you look like a little sissy piece of fucking shit.

Given that premise why don’t you explain to me given that you seem like a white-trash hoe-bag who bends over backwards for any jackass, what is that your fucking problem is with my family.”

Lucy laughs.

“You know we’re hiding from you the fact that we’re trying not to be too harsh on you because you’re poor and we could probably genuinely scare you shitless, JD.

See…Casi‘s family is ahh…different. They’re a different sort of poor. They maybe have never had money in their lineage and so they have no idea what that even means to be that wealthy they’ve always just been middle class or poor or she’s reincarnated and she’s a little bit irresponsible with what she understands in her spirit or I don’t know what…but it just seems like we could totally crush you…and I’m not really trying to crush you…but you’re a problem potentially, and I don’t like those sort of problems.” says Nils Nesheim.

A group of dead Democrats in Purgatory give a hand clap for the Trump campaign. As they believe it’s done. JD screwed it up.

“Hey! It’s not over yet!” yells Patience.

Lacey begins to doze off.

Louis cracks-up laughing.

Lacey laughs at herself with him.

Lem looks sad.

“Lem we just see ourselves as lovable, fairly intelligent idiots at times.” says Louis to explain.

Lem weeps. Excuses himself with Lacey, in misery.

They return with ice cream.

“ hey so um I am a servant to that used to work for Lacey. If there’s ring carnation JD your wife’s attitude is the problem Lacey doesn’t have an English word to used to describe the inappropriate inappropriate Ness of your demeanor. It’s very hard for you to think of a way to describe it, if there’s a ring carnation, and even if there’s not, this is still applicable, they’re not trying to belittle you or degrade you. It’s not what Casi suggested that’s very evil and disrespectful. It is actually an attempt to try to prevent something very evil from happening and she’s not consciously aware what it would be, but she’s protecting herself and her family and since you as well which makes me wonder if you people are actually quite evil what is it that you keep returning to in your mind that enables you to be so self-righteous about your evil?“ says a dead woman.

“ I should go back to editing, but I did editing last night shit I can’t fucking figure out what’s going on Louis.” says Lacey.

“ You were desperately trying to figure something out for real.” says Lem to Lacey.

“So!?!?” says the dead woman.

“What were you and Casi doing online?” says JD Vance.

“On behalf of whom do you ask?” says the dead servant.

“On behalf of themselves.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior, suspiciously.

Later.

Summer Overture by Clint Mansell & Kronos Quartet plays.

“The gloves are coming off.

I’m gonna rip people’s heads off.

Would you like me to make your blood into a vial, make you drink it or send it to a child to have them wash their hands in after they fuck your kids in their imagination.

I’m sorry you guys are such fucking idiots.

JD where did you go to school again?” says Lacey.

“They’re like a bully coven. And you’re right you describe them as like a bullshit middle-class bully coven, full of jackass, new money bitches.” says a perfume collector.

“You know you sound kinda like you’re imitating me. Is that a compliment or an insult? I don’t have time for pettiness right now.” says Lacey.

“Just fuck it!

I’ll just answer my fucking question.

Actually JD let’s just start all over again and I’m gonna nail you down spiritually and force you to answer, which will be fun for you because I’m an incredibly good-looking man.” says Matthew Nesheim.