“Let’s CHAT!” by Lem

Three to Get Ready by The Dave Brubeck Quartet plays.

“Our china is safe!!” yells Lenox at Lacey.

“Then why is it so cheap?” she says.

“Oh dammit. You don’t trust us.” says Lenox.

“Nope.” says Lacey. She thinks. “And now I’ll have to find china. You’re A BITCH!!” She thinks. “I can still get a teapot. But not the china. Because you’re all so obsessed. Sorry I swore.”

“Why did you do that? Was it jealousy?” asks Queen Elizabeth II.

“Yes.” says Ireland on the actual evil people’s account.

“You’re destroying the UK now. Just to avoid reality.” says Queen Elizabeth II. “Does your obsession with her have no end?”

“No.” says God. “They got it in their heads. A while ago. And they can’t get off of it.”

“You guys are obsessed with Tommy Banks’ daughter. That’s part of what’s happening, obviously. Obviously you people really are obsessed with Tom Banks’s daughter. I think your obsession with Lem is real but I also think it’s slightly a cover for your actual obsession with her.” says the American mafia.

The “In” Crowd by Ramsey Lewis Trio plays.

“Why did she offend you? What did she do that was offensive?” says the American mafia.

“We’re not offended! We’re not offended! No, we’re offensive!” says Erin.

“How…so?” he says.

“Because it’s obvious that she attacked us because she was so jealous of our elite status. And our happiness!” says Erin.

“But you started talking to her!” yells the mafia.

“I don’t recall that. What the fuck are you talking about?” says Erin.

“Look if this is the Illuminati it doesn’t matter anyway, if it doesn’t make sense. Because that’s just evil, so then who cares?” says Chris Hayes.

“Oh my gosh, philosophically-philosophically that makes sense!” spits France, desperately trying to sound super intellectual.

“I’ve got France on my side!” says Erin.

“Ahh…that doesn’t really make any sense and I think unfortunately in this case France is a bit of a pseudo-intellectual…and you don’t really make sense without you being jealous of her because you attacked her.” says the Mafia.

“No because she psychically channeled us into attacking her to cover for her profound, ahh…higher energy hatred of us and jealousy.” says MSNBC.

“Then what’s beyond that?” says the mafia.

“It could just be your jealousy of me.” says Lacey.

“But beyond that, you’re jealous of us!” says Chris Hayes.

“But beyond that, you’re jealous of me!” says Lacey.

5:25

“How many beyond’s are there?” says Chris.

“5 trillion!!!” yells Chris Farley.

Caravan as performed by Thelonious Monk plays.

“Can we leave these kind people?” says Lacey.

“Yes!” says the mafia.

“See part of the problem is that I now have to explain to Lacey why I made Earth at all. Things are so stupid and evil, that I now have to explain to her why I even bothered making humanity at all.” says God.

“I am a sort of atheist, but not really, and I’ve wondered that myself. Is it like that or is it worse?” says a scientist.

“It’s worse. I’m sorry, but it’s worse.” says God. “‘I am sorry.’ is in a sort of manner of speaking. Kind of like I am giving you love like a father. Like, ‘I’m sorry you’re going to have to get a shot today.’ I’m not really sorry, but I’m trying to give you love using your language and dialect.”

“No that makes sense.” says the scientist.