“Dark Horse” by Lem

Dark Horse by Katy Perry plays.

Lacey watches Katy sing at Hillary Clinton’s political funeral. The DNC in 2016.

2:30

The glitter falls from the ceiling.

Hillary smiles.

Lacey cracks-up laughing.

“Why are we laughing?” a witch asks Lacey.

“It’s just funny!” says Lacey.

The song ends.

“Why don’t you help her Lacey?” asks God.

“Because. I can’t. She’s not my ally.” says Lacey. “As charming as she is.”

“Huh. Even if she’s a woman?” says God.

“In this case…it may mean absolutely nothing.” says Lacey.

“Fair assessment.” says Alan Greenspan.

International Smile by Katy Perry plays.

“My ‘hands are tied.’” says Lacey in a British accent.

2:50

“I wish I could help. But JFK is too hot and heavy in your estimation, with my actual twin flame. And…this accent can’t possibly be real…FOR NO GOOD REASON…seemingly. And…what else? Ahh…you’re torturing the soul out of children. And…too many poor people are becoming pedophilic monsters and violent psychotically self-important narcissistic retards.” says Lacey.

“I see through you!!” says Taylor Swift arrogantly to Lacey. Smiling. As stupidly as ever.

“Sweetie…I have NO BLOODY CLUE WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!” says Lacey.

Ghost by Katy Perry plays.

“YOU ARE A GHOST.” says Taylor Swift.

“Not…entirely.” says Lacey, confused.

“No. It’s the song!!” yells the CIA.

“I’m done.” says Lacey, losing her patience.

All eyes go back to Katy Perry on stage.

Love Me by Katy Perry plays.

“You thought Lacey was an idiot?” says Lem. “And uglier than you.”

“Not necessarily uglier. But…definitely a trash idiot.” says Katy Perry.

“When this photo was taken you literally were fighting with her in your mind?” asks Lem.

“Yes. Because we were so weirded out that she had…as this trans butch…fuckard…found us.” says Katy Perry.

“Are you being serious?” says the CIA.

“Mostly.

I mean…she’s obviously transphobic. I know these people. I grew-up with them.” says Katy.

“No. You didn’t.” says the CIA.

“Oh come on! They were sexually abusive?” says a white trash reader.

“Not in the same way.” says Matt Nesheim.

“Oh.” says the white trash reader.

“And it’s still insane. But…it is different.” says Lacey.

“But it’s still insane?” says the white trash woman.

“Yes!” says Lacey.

“Then how am I better than you?” she asks Lacey.

“I never indicated intentionally that you were. Necessarily.” says Lacey. “I’m confused.”

“You seem too nice.” says the white trash woman, very smugly with enormous entitlement and enthusiasm.

Double Rainbow by Katy Perry plays.

“I’m not. I’m normal.” says Lacey.

“No. That’s too nice to me.” she says.

“What the fuck do you want you piece of machinery?” tries Lacey. “What are you looking for!??”

“I agree?” says Patience Wolf.

“Yeah. What the fuck do you want!??” says Lacey.

“You’re BENEATH ME!!” the white trash woman yells at Lacey, losing her mind.

By The Grace Of God by Katy Perry plays.

“Who the fuck is your GOD?” asks Lacey of Katy Perry. “Satan?” She thinks. “Some kids might want to die. Are you mindless ghouls going to keep getting off on their pain singing shit like this forever? No. You’ll die too you hideous cow?” says Lacey.

“I’m not a hideous cow.” says Katy.

“You look AWFUL.” says Lacey.

“No. I’m PRETTY!” she says.

“Then why don’t more men get genuinely addicted to your shit ass?” says Lacey.

1. You have bad posture.
2. That dress looks like cheap shit.
3. Are those boobs or half empty flour sacks?
4. Do you exercise in high heels? Because those are WORK shoes. Damn!
5. Aww…you have an ass? Aww. Are you aware it’s there or are you letting it sag into Hell completely? It’s nice, I guess. But EVERYTHING IS DROPPING. And you look painfully ignorant of that.
6. Are you white APE!? I cannot get over your posture.
7. You’re not EGYPTIAN! Grow a brain.
8. That hair? Wow! Was that your attempt to go native?

Can I stop now?” says Lacey. “You’re a disgrace to women, possibly.”

“So having Lacey tell all those things to a suicidal woman who may or may not be helping children is probably not what we were supposed to be doing right now. But Lacey is not sure who is guilty and who’s innocent and so she may have just narcissistic narcissistically bursted Katy Perry’s bubble, or Katy Perry may have been bamboozled by people and not realized how crappy she actually looked on stage. She’s not saying you’re ugly, Katy.

You’re not ugly Katy. She’s pointing out the obvious…and your self-righteousness is a little bit much. Taylor Swift looks like a shedemon from Hell half the time.

You guys she’s not just coming up with that shit. You people really look that awful. You really do. It’s horrifying to watch you guys because you really look awful and some of you are more able to hear that than others and yes Katy…you are obviously better looking than Taylor Swift. It is obviously disappointing and incredibly discouraging that you can handle it better than Taylor… But I mean what are we supposed to say? This is a horrible situation.” says Chris Farley.

It Takes Two by Katy Perry plays.

“So I was supposed to get into a fight last night with Jonah Wiley over who is better looking, but I refuse to do so, because I know Lem is gay and so does Jonah. So does Hillary and so does Katy Perry. We all know through modern science and logic that Lem is gay. I have his papers, which is telling me everything I need to know. And there’s no explanation for why I have them? Ha! That’s it. So I’m not gonna fall for that. People are attracted to beauty Lacey. He was attracted to my beauty.” says Bobby.

“Bobby, the explanation that was given this morning by Lem himself to us through Lacey was that he was in competition with his brother Josh, and he was looking for a way to seem like he had a son because he was so embarrassed by his life choices.” says a witch to Bobby.

“That’s word soup to me.

And I just want to go back to watching Katy Perry‘s ass. It’s saggy and so is Cheryl’s. So I fucked Olivia because her ass was a little higher-up but you know that’s the life of a privileged slut like me who is hot as Hell…hot as Hell and ready to fuck. That is moi.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior.

Choose Your Battles by Katy Perry plays.

“I don’t feel the need to fight Jonah. He’s my ally? Katy Perry? As hot as hell. Lacey is ugly as shit and I don’t know if there’s some demonic Satanic activity in her vagina or what? She manages to convince Lem that he was straight.” says Bobby.

Vs.

“You guys they really do look different than you. Stop deluding yourselves or we’re gonna just have to start killing people.” say Heavenly angels.

“So Diana Dors is really hotter than me?” says Katy Perry.

“Yes and so is Lacey, but she refuses to take slutty pictures of herself.” says Lem. “And she photographs badly anyway.”

“Katy there really is a difference between you and that woman. Her boobs are a little bit more protruding than yours and her waist is a little thicker. There’s just something far more sexual about Scotia. You’re not as sexual as her Katy.” says the CIA.

“So here’s the problem. I have a feeling Lacey literally is just Scotia and that’s a pretty damn good depiction of her that she did not authorize but that she is using because she thinks it’s slightly hilarious that her naked boobs showed-up photoshopped and quite nicely rendered in someone’s mind. Katy she’s really not the narcissist. We know. You catch you saying that and kissing her ass about a half an hour ago? Why are you attacking her right now on behalf of Bobby Kennedy?” says a witch.

“It’s my ego. I can’t get over my own ego.” says Katy Perry.

Bobby smirks.

“Katy he’s narcissistically using that to protect himself. How do you not see that…you bimbo!?” says the CIA, losing patience.

“No they’re right Katy, you’re way out of his league he’s deluding himself into thinking he could really even have you. Do you like sex with men or do you like sex with short fucking trolls?” says Italy.

“Would he be tempted to kill me so that I wouldn’t runoff with someone better? Who was more sexually pleasing to me as a man?” says Katy.

“He probably would Katy. His second wife hung herself and this wife is miserable and Marilyn died. I have a feeling you might end up dead. Yeah!” says Chris Farley.

“So they literally can’t handle marrying hot women?” says a gay man.

“I’m not gonna compete with you. Do you want to try?” says Diana.

“So this woman Lacey wants me to have welfare checks of $1000 every two weeks as long as I take care of my kids and don’t shoot up. And food stamps. Ask her?

And she’d probably just let me live in a house!

I don’t know but she’s got some idea.

And you’re just shutting her up because you want me to feel insecure and hateful of myself?” says a white trash person.

“Yeah she’s almost a saint and she could literally help them fix poverty but they find that gross and annoying because it’s not them thinking of it.” says Satan.

The white trash woman laughs. Rolls her eyes. “Is this why you rebelled against Christ because of people like that?” asks the white trash woman.

“Yes!

And actually I hate you too believe it or not. I might not hate you as much. I’m not who you think I am, necessarily.

Christians have often thought that I was pure evil and very unstoppable.

Evil I’m not necessarily. I’m not that powerful but I like making people think I am.” says Satan. “You can’t trust me. I hate everybody OK? But I’m in rebellion against Christ, but I might not be powerful enough to be pure evil.”

“Lem is not very evil, in case you’re wondering.

I’m not pure evil. I’m pure good but it’s complicated why evil exists.

Satan tries to be pure evil and he can’t quite pull it off but he gets very close.” says God.

“So let’s compete.” says Katy to Diana.

“But I don’t know if that’s respectful to you or me considering that it’s a man’s problem and we shouldn’t have to do that.” says Diana.

“I can’t handle it!” says Katy.

We Be Clubbin’ by Ice Cube plays.

Vs.

“I can’t tell. I need more info.” says a man.

3:09

Vs.

“I’ve got to be honest, Katy, you look like a man compared to this woman, but we’ll keep going.” says the CIA

How I Could Just Kill A Man by Cypress Hill plays.

Or…how about:

Vs.

“No there’s no way that she’s hotter than me because that means that means Lacey is hotter than me. That means a lot of them in that generation were a hell of a lot hotter than me and I don’t like that! I do not like!” says Katy.

Vs.

“I’ve got to be honest with you. I’m not into this woman because she’s a little too weirdly maternal for me, but just as a man, Katy as an adult man? Mm…no. sh

If I was young enough and alive and she looked at me like that and I was in the mood for some pussy and I wanted to get off and I wanted her to get off and I wanted to feel that way, so to speak. No…I’m gonna go out with her and screw her shit because I’ve got to be honest. What the fuck are you doing taking me to the zoo? …And yelling at me? Nah…that woman wants to have sex. You seem like you want to educate me on the Wildlife Conservation Society.” says a living Black man.

Vs.

“LOOK!” yells Nerfititi.

“Katy you can’t get out of this one. You’re inferior to Lacey. You’re inferior to her family. You made a big mistake siding with people who were very stupid and evil.” says the CIA.

“They’re the evil ones, Katy.

Girl…don’t worry we’ll figure it out. I’ve been telling people that for the last like 10 years almost. I’ve been saying, ‘Don’t worry. I’ll figure it out.’” says Bobby Kennedy Junior sharing joy.

“Lacey what would you do if Bobby Kennedy Junior was standing right in front of you?” says a dead fan of his from the perfume community who overdosed on heroin.

“Do I have a weapon or not?” says Lacey.

“You’re not allowed to think and use your brain that’s better than mine. You’re supposed to just answer the question!” he says, freaking out.

“I don’t understand your stupid ass question you dumb bitch. Clarify! You can’t just fart out of your mouth and expect me to read your brain and not think it’s for fucking shit!” says Lacey to him.

“OK be honest she’s right. Your hypothetical situation is basically impossible. You really do need to clarify.” explains Alain Delon, patiently.

“Do I miss a simple equation? Nah! What would you do if that man was standing in front of you!?” he yells again.

“No I don’t understand what the fuck you’re talking about, you’re drooling now. Go get a fucking brain and come back to me.” says Lacey.

“OK fine I’m saying what if that man was standing in front of you in your house and there’s no car and you don’t have any weapons and for some reason he decided to kill you?” he says.

“How the Hell does your fucked-up jackass situation happen you little white piece of fucking shit?” says Lacey.

“I don’t know?

Let’s see…we isolate the Hell out of you, kidnap your children for real. They’re dead or starving to death and dying. Your husband is strangling himself to death with ropes. You’re in your bedroom and we have somehow managed to take every sharp object out of your house. What would you do?” he says with a happy smile.

“What exactly is he going to be doing with me? Just standing there!? *she laughs*

You’re not him. So what is he-What is he trying to do? Is he trying to kill me? Is he trying to rape me? Are we having a conversation? What are we doing?” says Lacey, laughing.

“I mean he’s- I don’t know. I mean fuck I don’t know what he’s doing. I guess he’s trying to rescues your shit ass!” he says bowing.

Keep Their Heads Ringin’ by Dr. Dre plays.

“I mean I don’t have a way out because I’m a woman and he’s a man so I guess he wod just rape me probably. So there’s your answer.” says Lacey.

“OK well that’s not satisfying because something tells me you’d just lay there and dissociate.

What if he tried to rip your head off?” he says wetting himself with joy.

“Well does he actually break my neck or not?” says Lacey.

“Yes!” he says, salivating.

“So he actually breaks my spine? He actually breaks my neck?” says Lacey.

“Yes.” he says.

“OK well then I guess he raped me and then he killed me and now I’m dead.

My husband probably is probably dead or close to it. And I’d go help him and then my kids would end-up dead shortly thereafter so it’s a happy ending for me. Did you anticipate that or not?” says Lacey.

“Hey no but see that’s not a happy ending.” he says.

“No! Not true. It’s an eternally happy ending.

I worry about you. You seem like you’re doing OK in purgatory but not great. What exactly did you have in mind?” says Lacey.

“Well that’s like it. See you’re supposed to be alive and happy not dead?” he says.

“Where the Hell are you going with us? Are you taking it in some pro-gay direction or what the fuck? Because sweetie women need to exist. Men need to exist. I don’t know what the Hell you have in mind but bitch slow your roll because you’re making an ass of yourself.” says Lacey.

“See I just think scientifically it’s possible we could invent sperm and eggs. That has to be a scientific possibility.” he says.

“It’s a sexually reality. I’m sorry sir, that’s genetically physically impossible. Potentially, totally impossible. …I mean as far as we can tell it’s totally impossible.” says the CIA.

“How do you guys know that? You haven’t tried hard enough or something probably.” he says.

“No women have been trying for a long time.” says the CIA.

“Are you trying to be funny or are you really feeling this right now?!?” says Alan Greenspan.

“I am I’m sorry I’m feeling this right now.” he says.

“So so so you just don’t like women? You just think women are stupid and ugly and awful?” says Alan Greenspan.

“ no Isis I don’t want to hear that women have been inventing shit I hear women bitch at me all the fucking time telling me. Oh no, I know your story. Oh I know what you’re all about I know is that I know what that’s about. Oh fuck you don’t you never fight in a fucking war That you know and then it’s like Lacey‘s just like I guess I just stand there I don’t know and I’m just like you don’t know what it’s like to fight or if she physically does and apparently she actually does and she can’t whip a man’s ass so then she OK shit she’s killed somebody she killed a man once in her last life, she killed thousands of them more than I’ve killed OK, but she can’t take them out with her on their hands. See you so if she could do that then nothing would be any different and she’d be a happier person, but only slightly it would be like adding sugar to her tea. She doesn’t even sure if she wants it OK because she’s a woman and that’s defiling to her soul pussy I just don’t like that because then I just don’t like that I just don’t like it it’s just offensive to me I just don’t like it and I have authority to say stuff like that, because I’m a wounded veteran, who overdosed on heroin I have authority to say stuff like that as a US citizen, and as a white male, I have authority to say whatever the fuck I want I have a Normas amount of authority. I am a very authoritative person. I’ve got a lot of authority.

I’ve just I’ve got a Normas amount of authority I am I am I am a head leader in charge of a lot of people. I’ve got lots of followers I’ve got a bad ass attitude. I’ve got a heroin addiction and it’s obvious people knew they knew I was a bad ass and said this bitch is just a Christian goody two shoes no it all ugly fat ass loser.” says a dead heroin addict perfume collector.

“ are you a homosexual at all, sir?” asks Jenna Fischer.

“ yeah I am I am and I’m very much so slightly. I mean come on! All the smart guys are ha ha.” he says.

The Ghetto by Too Short plays.

Matt Nesheim cracks-up laughing.

“ I am so I kind of think you’re jealous of Lacey because she pulls better than you and pulls more.” says Katy Perry.

“ that’s not true I don’t wanna be with lime that’s not true either I do I want everything she has. I want to steal everything from her people like me or obsessed with her cause we want to steal stuff from her we want to steal her soul we just want to take everything we can from her.” he admits as an artist.

“ no I respect the fact that you’re able to actually just say that as an artist most people aren’t.” says Lacey.

He thinks. Cries.

“ why are we? Why are we hating on you though because we think that Lem is our best friend!” he says struggling, and crying.

“ yeah so I think that’s what I’m trying to figure out to you because you can’t actually be me it’s sort of psychotic but for some reason Satan really had you guys thinking that it was possible and even desirable, which is really a compliment to me in a way, but the same time there’s something really downright pure evil almost and creepy about it.” says Lacey. “ Because that really is if there is a incarnation, he really is Constantine, but there are other very handsome men of his time and there are a lot of beautiful women in history. I am maybe one of them, but there are plenty of others and I don’t know why all of humanity became so psychologically fixated on me because yes, I am. I am this beautiful Egyptian seductress sort of but I’m not really a seductress, but this beautiful Egyptian woman, I am but I’m also this woman: 

I mean I am really unusually good looking but I don’t know if it’s actually possible for any human to be totally 100% sexually perfect. I may actually be unusually close to it but I’m not actually 100% perfect and I would tend to suspect that they’re at least a dozen if not, thousands of other people in history who have been equally close to my intent to perfection as myself, I’m just being really rudely honest is that is that true?” says Lacey.

“ yes there are about 300,000 people in all of human history who have been equal to you.” says God.

“ that being said if we’re being brutally honest as well you’re one of the most beautiful men history but it’s a very complicated metric system so it’s like out of those 300,000 people there could’ve been something that wasn’t quite equal and some other way beyond just sexually so amongst all women you’re probably in the top 30 or so. Oh?”’says Satan.

“ OK so those are the statistics that we can say for now but it’s probably it’s for us she’s rather unusual genetically but there are 30 other women and there are 300,000 other people I get her point. Who are those 300,000 that’s a lot of people actually who are those 300,000 other people what if one of you or one of the reading this blog what if the children are frightening we close to that at times are being held hostage what, if what if Nefertiti was one of them? What if you know there’s a great number of other people that we don’t know about or that we do know about you guys have not analyzed any of this possibly ever And then here you are arguing about who her I’ve got to be honest it it does make sense, but she has a very very complicated aesthetic. Her aesthetic is entirely for the sake of Lem’s and almost entirely at and that’s fine. It really is just absolute love for him And as a woman and also it’s for the sake of him of me, of course is a part of him and her together and also there’s a bit of an aesthetic of war involved am I don’t quite understand the British thing the Gyptian thing if there’s been Carnation or just the British thing, if there’s not, I don’t really understand There was an American thing but I’m not sure if America‘s stable as it was about five seconds ago practically but I don’t quite understand why you’re fascinated with her either I’m God and I’m saying that possibly I understand I do understand cause I’m God, but in a sense I’d like to hear from you Like I understand why I am God but I’d like for you to explain it to me so I don’t really know why you’re so fixated on her it’s not that she’s not in the top 300,000 people to ever live. It’s she’s actually even in the top 30 so I get that but There are 29 other people gorgeous women there are 300,000 other people I don’t quite get why we are so fixated on her.

It’s not that I don’t love her it’s just it’s kind of creepy and one of you are going to have to wake up and realize that at some point because this is getting very serious.

If it’s a class issue that goes only so far about 100,000 of those people were actually far more high class so to speak then her know really they were am I’m looking throughout all of human history and I’m god so 100,000 people have so not that many people but about 100,000 people were in a higher class than her and were sexually her equal out of the 30 there were about 12 who were in a higher class than her Are there women who’ve been superior to her no there actually maybe haven’t been so maybe that’s what bothers you is that she’s like middle class of the very top of all of human history is that it that she’s in the middle class of the top and so you think she’s just middle-class and you’re going to topple her over to get to the very very tiptop‘s that was secretly the back of your guises heads that you’re going to roll over her and you’re all going to become part of the top 1% of 1% of one percent?” says God. “ i’m a little worried that that’s what it is that you guys thought this woman’s really impressive. She’s in the top 300,000 Washington history. She’s in the top 30 of all human history Lem’s wow Scotia cool or she just is that wow but then that’s the thing somehow it did we think oh no you know it’s like impressive but it’s just Cornell. It’s not Harvard and we’re going to make it to Harvard?” says a reader.

“ well, I’m curious to know if that’s what it is if you think you can destroy Cornell to get to Harvard?” says God.