“Expert Men” by Lem

“Kate. Why do you win?” asks Lem.

“I’m okay with just being Saint Augustine. And not Emperor Constantine if she doesn’t exist.” says Mark.

“How do feel about just being Katy Perry?” asks a wizard.

“Suddenly fine.” says Katy.

“Katie do you have a problem?

I say this as a former US president in this scenario.

Do you have a problem? Do you have a problem with the way Lacey showed up at your wedding wearing all black? I’m talking to Kate Nesheim, now.” says (Former US President in scenario) Hillary Clinton.

“Are you a tough nut to crack, Kate?” asks the CIA.

“Yes!” says Kate.

“So how mad did it make you in a scale of 1 to 10 when Lacey showed up at your wedding wearing all black?” says Lem.

“I am old money not Lacey because I married Matt and I forgot that her mother was my relative. For some reason I have a tendency in my head to take her out of our family because she pisses me off so much but then I can’t quite make her totally like Eminem and just an ugly jackass because I know that’s not really reality and that there’s just something about her. I just sort of stop myself and I’m like the other doesn’t really work. How mad was I on a scale of 1 to 10. Probably about it at 7 or an 8.” says Kate.

“So you were very angry?” says John L.

Kate laughs at him. “I don’t know where that came from but yes I was. I was very angry very much so.” she says.

“Why do you hate Lacey so much? You-you impersonate her and other people in Matt’s family so why do you hate her so much?” says a dead woman.

“And if I have any hatred toward these people at all, it is simply because they never recognize me as the person that I really am. The expert that I am. I don’t know. See…I’m super smart. An expert at literature. At its that I am deep and humble and down-to-earth and also a Christian with a really big conscience and a really big heart.” she says smugly.

“So Kate, we’re just talking to you because we’re trying to figure out what’s going on with all the Kates in Lacey‘s life.” says Elsie Hill.

“Kate, do you care about your sons who are left without a father? Does that bother you that your husband committed suicide?” asks the CIA.

“Oh yes, of course it does.” she says, smiling.

“So Kate do you have a good friends?” asks the CIA. “Who care about your pain?”

“I mean yeah I do have some. I mean it’s been really hard lately, but yeah, I do have some people who are so supportive. So I’m really lucky in that way.” says Kate, smiling.

“Have you started dating yet or no?” asks Elsie.

“No I mean there are some people who I recall from before I got married or that I’ve seen around but you know I mean it’s just not time yet, it’s too soon. So maybe in a year or something I’ll start dating again, yeah. I mean I might get married in the next five years easily…but for right now I’m just letting myself have a moment where I’m alone, you know? And kind of winging it and being on my own being, as you know, a tough single parent so-“ says Kate, smiling.

“So you are stuck being a new money old money, single parent? …So what’s that like because you must have like $400,000 or $500,000 from him and I’m sure he’ll get the mineral rights too when his parents die so that’s another $1000 $2000 a month maybe closer to $4,000 or $5,000. What like $4,000 or $5000 a month you inherited and then the $400,000? And that’s a hell of a lot for most people…and I know your background is kind of lower-middle to middle-class and you don’t have anything prestigious in your family at all but being unusually an intelligent and kind of classy, I guess you could say, I suppose you probably look pretty sexy! Did some golddiggers already try?

I mean…how do you handle that?” says the CIA.

“Ahh…no….I mean they do!

But…I’ve kind of been part of the upper-middle class or upper-class with Matthew for a while in a way….and so my overall aesthetic is sort of offputting to gold-diggers because I’m like a hard-working, down-to-earth person who likes nature and hiking and there is no way that someone who is a real gold-digger would really be able to handle being with me. You know? Like some drunk guy? Some drunk guy who I would meet at bar? You know if I was just trying to have fun with friends or something?

I don’t think someone like that would ever probably approach me…because that’s just not the vibe I have. You know? It’s like not really who I am, so I don’t think anyone like that would probably ever even talk to me so I’m not terribly worried. I just think I have to be mindful and make sure that I am with someone who is, you know, ready for a Christ adventure and what he has in store for all of us.” says Kate.

“Kate are you friends with with Lacey on Facebook or have you snubbed her because you’re not interested in acknowledging filthy white trash in Matt’s family?” asks the CIA.

“Her mother has a college degree, but she didn’t make barely any money and her father has a college degree but he didn’t make barely any money either…and so because they didn’t and they lived in an apartment yeah…to me she’s absolute white trash. I HATE HER .

And even if you want to say that my background is crap…by virtue of him marrying me, I am infinitely superior to her, so yes I chose to just be cold. Like Jess. And a lot of other people who’ve married into the family from from lower middle-class backgrounds who married into the family. People like her in the family who just have psychotically messed-up parents who live in apartments are so far beneath you that you have like a God-given right to treat them like they’re hellish pieces of fucking worthless shit.” she says being given truth serum.

“Except the rest of family, doesn’t really treat her like that Kate. And that’s entirely just people who married in from the lower class like you.” says Peter Thiel.

“Ahh…that’s true. Is that not how it works?” asks Jess.

“Ahh…no that would not be how it works. She’s in the family by birth so she’s actually superior to you because you just ‘slept your way in’ to be crass. I think you to have watched- I think you guys have watched way too many bad interpretations of Jane Austen. Ahh…no…you are not supposed to have snubbed her to the degree that you have. You don’t really have that authority. But you’re just following the Nesheim lead? The way that her family treats her? They treat her that way not just because her parents are insane but because they’re threatened by her. Linn is threatened by her. Alys is threatened by her. They’re all very threatened by her, but they would never tell you that…and you’re supposed to just know that.” says Lem. “They’re actually a lot nicer to her parents than they are to her which is a clear tell. I think they know that there’s something a little off about Jim and Becca and they’ve just never discussed it with you, and I think people just assumed that you were maybe a little cold towards her because of some pettiness on your part, frankly, because that’s where they are with things at times. But I don’t think they realized that you were all just going psychotically crazy in your ego, thinking that you’re massively superior to her.” 

“Am I really that unattractive compared to her?” says Kate.

“Are you? You are unattractive compared to her, yes.” says the CIA.

“So what did what did she actually look like at her wedding? Do we even know?” says a Real Housewife.

“I will try to find a photo of myself.” says Lacey.

“That’s a horrible picture of me, but that was around the same time.

I found this old scarf and I was trying to make it into a sleeveless dress and my forehead looks larger than it is…and it’s a bathroom photo…but that’s the best I can do for now. And it’s not how I look, but you know…I guess just try to fucking think…for a second.” says Lacey.

“Those are all you unedited!??” says the CIA.

“She really is a startlingly good-looking. We have her in memory. And it really is like she was like awe-inspiringly good-looking but she can’t ever seem to fucking capture it and I don’t know if you guys quite realize this or not but there probably is a supernatural. …Yeah, there is something really funky that happens with her photos….so what do you want her to say? She can’t find the photo of herself wearing the dress at the wedding. So…she’ll look, but it might not be easy to find.” says Weir and Sons.

“Are we allowed to see a picture of Jess or I suppose we’ll just have to find out on our own I’m fine with that.” says a woman.

“So Kate you’re better looking in person too?” says a reader.

“Yeah, I am.” says a reader.

“OK um, so what did she wear to the wedding you don’t? You can’t find any pictures at all?” says a person.

“A black silk peplum sleeveless dress, a velvet jacket from J.Crew, a string of pearls and that was it.” says Lem.

“With a really hot ass and the body that she has in this photo:

“ says a gay man.

“Yes. yes. She actually is far more curvy and sexy than it seems and I’m not 100% convinced Matthew was a virgin. He might have been…but I suspect that he slept with somebody while he was fighting…and I think he is not been out or particularly open about that and I know it was not Lacey. It was some other young woman in the military possibly and I have a feeling he learned something about what women look like with their clothes off from sleeping with that person. And also possibly being somewhat involved with Kate, but I don’t know that he saw what she looked like naked until their wedding night.” says Lem.

“So you two did not have premarital sex and then Lacey showed-up as a blonde ditz weighing about 120 pounds?” says a gay man.

“ OK so I’m getting the sense that some white men are confused yeah Lacey has a nice juicy ass and pretty decent tits. Actually they’re pretty hot but at about 100 pounds but not about 115 pounds. She still looks pretty curvy.” says a Black man.

“ how much did you weigh in that photo?” asks a hater.

“ she weighed about 116 pounds and she’s about 5 ft. 7. So she’s 5 ft. 6 3/4 so she’s about 5 ft 7.” says Lem.

“ it’s all luscious ass but she’s just that small?” says a man.

(Adult content below)

“ you know I actually don’t like talking about women this way believe it or not and it’s not because I was gay or I’m gay or even bisexual or pansexual I just don’t like it I find it disrespectful to them. That might not seem possible because I was supposedly best friends with JFK but Bobby had friends like that too. You were very moral and upstanding am I actually really was straight though I don’t know if they were or not but I really was. Does she have a luscious ass I would say it’s luscious luscious is some thing for a woman who’s larger than her usually a juicy it is juicy I mean my god what do you want me to say her husband and me you can look and other men could look at her ass and get direction in about a minute It’s incredibly sexy ass it’s not plum but the shape of it and where the fat well it is still is pretty good but in its heyday holy cow man literally used to comment on it especially black men actually but no I mean she has a fantastic ass. It’s it’s kind of an ass that you have to like though if you don’t mind dominating women, some men might be rather offputting by it because it’s sort of the sort of ass you’d have. If you’re submissive woman it’s very sexy Marilyn’s ass looked a tiny bit like Lacey’s my generation had women with that bites all over the place but it was very pretty and sexy and plump and all the right places but it’s sort of him. It’s sort of also seems like an ass that the woman won’t be entirely aware of man in the greater the greatest generation just had different sack, different sexual tastes, they liked the Marilyn Monroe dead sea, unaware submissive thing that’s what he says , if you don’t find Marilyn’s aesthetic, dead, see where she has dripping breasts and her butt is not flat it really isn’t. I’m sorry it’s on is actually more feminine to me than the women that you like. I had a very round ass but was very masculine. Lacey loves my butt, but I like her butt a lot more.

Oh, I know I would I’m not pegging her I just like grabbing it good God. So it’s like you might grab her butt and then throw her on the bed and stick your cock in her vagina I mean what do you want me to do? I have to put in a contact warning out because of this but that’s the thought sweetheart you grab her ass you look at it you grab it you got really hard and then you wanna just stick your cock right in her vagina and just bring her and you to ecstatic sort of ecstasy with lush, hot sex that’s what I do to her she’s not demonically possessed and it’s not quite like what you want her to be. I’m sorry women in the Boomers and like anchorman that is not really to me a particularly arousing ass that actress Christina Applegate know I’m sorry I was not aroused by her but it’s very nice but it’s a little bit childish and masculine looking to me compared to Maryland and Lacey.

I mean why you want me to say that you suck shit and you turn into a woman?” says Lem. 

“ I don’t think I’m a woman I know some people wonder about stuff like that notice possibly for a reason so she really looks like Scotia she just has smaller boobs and she’s a little more petite than we thought she was?” he says.

“ yes you need to see photos of her ass no don’t you have to believe it that’s really annoying but OK I’ll try to find a picture of her but it won’t do any justice, but will try.” says Lem.

That is a pretty decent capture of her curves that’s on stuffed up and that’s how curvy she really is that’s not trick photography that’s not posturing. She’s actually very curvy and people just barely notice. They just barely give a shit it’s right fucking in front of her face but hurt. Her husband literally had to stare at her naked once before he could admit that she was hot. And he was getting aroused by her having sex just by looking at her. Yeah people don’t realize that she never has had a tournament on ever. She said that before she just gets naked stands in front of them and they get hard and about a minute at most under that it’s like lightning speed And then they just fucker but that’s in the past because she’s aging and that’s why we’re sharing this good luck finding someone like that alive right now there isn’t anyone her father was born in 1894. You won’t find someone who looks like her possibly anywhere and she’s 41 now and y’all fucked up.

“ you can see her boobs here in a little bit of what her body looks like but the photo is fucked up because her face was screwed up and the floor was dirty and she didn’t have the time to edit it so she never used it.

“ I have posted this photo before but no one seems to be able to except that this is what her ass looks like so her tits look better than above but just trust me on that one. This is her butt.” says Lem.

“ you do keep it very private, but I have a feeling under the right circumstances like if Jack’s trace your boobs and you’re drunk or if someone imagines what they look like we got an idea they have a feeling propose to look likes coaches, but she just keeps them very neatly tucked away. Sincerely, they do they look like smaller versions of what we imagined, except they’re a little differently separated because she’s either that’s what she used to look like or should we have imagined her looking more like us than she did so I have a feeling that this is closer to what they probably voice look like for the most part that being said, I have a feeling they’re shaped like we imagine they were I love her she’s talking about her body and totally just sexualizing it even though it’s very sexual and it’s not surprising though because we over sexualize large curves so like Casi has unusually large boobs and unusually actually her per body is pretty much just an hourglass maybe with so much smaller hips and Laceyz yeah so overall, Casi’s not as crazy as Lacey but her boobs are astronomically large, relatively speaking and natural and I think that’s what her lover was talking about. When he said the shape of her body is unusual it is you have a very unusual body Casi, Lacey‘s body is unusual as well, but in this very like upper class, old money, pristine sort of way from her generation, so when she’s naked and you can see the soft cushy boob part of her breasts as they are with her nipples and such in her bus that jiggles you probably and then her tiny little waist in her hips and her beautiful shoulders yeah, you probably would get direction pretty dang hard and fast. If you were a straight man who knew you were going to look into those brown eyes and have sex and yes, she has gorgeous legs as well. I’m pretty feet. 00 nice maybe average hands are slightly above average but whatever the point is, maybe they’re actually prettier than average, but the point is that’s maybe one of the least attractive parts of her body according to her I don’t I’m not convinced of that but anyway, I know her ears are very pretty and cute. There’s really nothing all that wrong with her and her hair was thin because I think she was dying inside and now she’s lost considerable amounts of it so I kind of think people got a little bitchy for no reason I didn’t realize that she was having like health problems and she was dying but anyway, that’s easy to imagine when you think about how cute and pretty and sexy she is, that counselors are always just like I was she’s just an asshole you know because she’s just a stupid ass or moods or something instead of realizing know this woman is literally dying inside like her hair is falling out because she’s so like tormented by evil.

Yes Nancy Lacey started losing her hair in high school very slightly so it was thinner most of her adult life than an average person or that she was even supposed to have and then in her late 30s. It started falling out and she has hair now but it’s noticeably thin For Schiebel she bought a wig and then she also wears hats

Yes, if there’s a big carnation, there’s some sort of racist vile thing happening and no she’s not black, but I’m not surprised that some dumb ass somewhere probably thought it was funny to get her to lose her hair. But that’s only if there’s green carnation. We’ll have to check into that note because she’s white she really is wrong I went. I don’t know if she thinks she was white. I think she think she was more like a person or a sort of Arab maybe ways but if you know it’s dependent depending I don’t think she’s ever said that she was white as an Egyptian I think she’s wondered if she was white um but it’s like she’s sort of white it maybe she is white but it’s like sort of a Middle Eastern type of OK yeah so that’s the thing at least you so much Egyptian maybe looking actually her body type might even be somewhat Egyptian OK so she still be unusually beautiful even in Egypt yes I did just say that yes OK apparently she would be OK. Is there something sort of wholly about her there is OK so that’s part of it too. Well that’s nice of him and his ring carnation yeah, there’s some thing sort of pristine about her sexuality. OK that’s interesting But it’s still quite lovely.

I mean no idea I think you can try to find fault with her body and it’s going to be difficult because the truth is it’s a very sexy body is it as voluptuous is Diana Dors well, no I’m gonna debate you on that because what is voluptuous they’re a different definitions. It isn’t just about size so so that shape, and if you do look at her butt, yes it jiggles OK

Why are we talking about this again? I think the point simply is that without her clothes I may have taken over someone else’s comment so the beginning might not even be me but he’s retired so no it jiggles it’s lovely and yeah, she was quite nice without her clothes on she still is and no it’s real I mean what do you want me to say we’re going to find a naked woman who looks like we’ve already done that and if I were to find a naked woman, who looks like you know what you could look at the playboy edition that I referenced look at look at some playboys from the late 50s And then just imagine of find find beauty is sort of Scandinavian English version of that which is Lacey she really is more petite that I think people have realized it’s not that she’s petite though but I’m also 6 foot four so anyway we are talked about all of us so the point is Lacey looks good naked she looks very good naked, and I suspect Matt knew that so even though she was totally appropriate to even though she was totally appropriate, he somehow figured it out the night before his wedding she made the mistake of wearing a dress that showed off her breast their advantage it looks like this:

“ that woman has an actually slightly similar kind of beauty to Lacey which if you believe in reincarnation, should not surprise you, Lacey is completely white, but if she’s a Gyptian that woman’s beauty above is the shape of certain things of certain features on her face could be similar to Lacey‘s, so Lacey is white but sort of the way, her eyes manifest in the shape of them.

And her attitude does so much similar to Lacey. It’s not identical, but it’s not dramatically different either.

No, that woman is very beautiful and I don’t think I would think she’s a bitch at all. She looks like she just is kind of confident. She actually might be a very nice person but you know she’s just modeling?

But that was basically Lacey it’s smaller that’s a plus size model, but Lacey and the plus size women, but Lacey that oh that is somewhat like what she looks like and it was brown, but it was singed at the waist and no she’s not quite as large as that woman, but it showed that this is that was the shape that was created and then shit, and then she had a cinched waist which showed off her tiny waist and hurt her hips, because it draped down. It was a symmetrical on the bottom and she wore these sexy vintage boots and then she had her beautiful still fairly well intact blonde hair. It was a gorgeous color of the gorgeous shade of blonde with the brown eyes. Yeah, it was very, very beautiful and you might say well. I’ve seen plenty of black women that are that beautiful yeah but they’re not everywhere first of all let’s be honest that’s not something you see everywhere and then second of all Lacey is white and so it wasn’t as much of a contrast so that the beauty of her face and then the blonde hair yeah that’s what she looks like the night-

*Lem cracks-up laughing*

i’m sorry I’m sorry that was what a I think I think I’m laughing with her and I am but I need to be sure yeah?

But that was a that was that was that was the night before he got married so she wore that I’m trying to think I’m trying to relate to you.

I am sorry and that I’m trying to laugh with her but it’s not. I’m not. Yeah I’m laughing with her but I should be more aware there is something there it’s to be not as funny as I think it is or I should be more aware at the very least that she’s laughing with me because she’s good-natured and I’m aware of that but there’s some insight there. Thank you, that being said it was the night before he got married that she showed up like that.” says Lem.

A Black woman rolls her eyes at Lacey.

“ oh, no, I don’t think I was that aware. I really don’t. I don’t think I was that aware.” says Lacey.

“ no she wasn’t. She knew she looked good but you have to understand they’re a very competitive family. There were two miss North Dakota pageant winners in her family. There was the one who had just one Matt sister, and then there was the one that she grew up being compared to her older cousin, her older, first cousin Linn, and so she thought oh no I’m just finally starting to fit in or I’m finally starting to look good. I’m finally starting to really make an impression on people that I’m not just a worthless piece of shit and that maybe I really am attractive and they should respect me more and be kinder to me. That’s what she was thinking.” says Lem. “ so she thought oh I look really hot but that’s good because I finally will start getting more you know, affection and respect from people.”

“ so she actually thought that her family would start being nicer to her, because she was finally looking hot enough for them to approve of her?” says a reader.

“Yes.” says Lem.

“What did they look like at their wedding?” asks George Bush.

“What does his sister look like?” says Casi.

“No!” says a reader.

“Well… I knew I was better looking than Kate and I really was very sexy looking. I really did look sexy that night in a way that’s sort of bizarrely Egyptian. It really is real but I think I thought that Kate was pretty good looking.” says Lacey. “And I thought ‘I mean…they’re in love. What’s the problem?’” says Lacey.

“Isn’t she pretty!?” says Lacey.

“ did you look slightly like that in your lash likely see if there’s reincarnations with real thick real dark curls?” says a reader.

“ yes, I did if there’s reincarnation. There might not be! but yes I did.” says Lacey.

“She is. But she’s not.” says a woman.

Lacey thinks.

“Doesn’t Lacey look poor!?” says Kate.

“No! You do.” says the CIA. “She has very delicate sexy curves. That’s rare. That’s elite. …Kate-“

“I LOOK OLD MONEY!” says Kate.

“But not real Old Money. Fake. From…years ago.” says a Rockefeller.

“Yeah. That’s Gwenyth Paltrow or something. Not…authentic Old Money.” says Casi. She thinks. “I look more authentic than you.”

“ Matthew did you ever see anyone naked in your family?” says David Thorstad.

“ yes, I did!” he says.

“ was it Becca, or someone else in her family?” he asks.

“ it may have been someone else in her family. Um, it’s unclear where I got the idea from but yes, I did somehow think that women looked different than they looked.” says Matt.

“ what did you think they looked like your sister and your other cousins in your family not Lacey do you never saw Lacey without her clothes did you?” says a reader.

“ no I never saw her. She was always very careful. I did think people would look like my sister and other people I may have seen my sister accidentally once and there were other people to you that I saw who may have been abusive to me and I don’t really know what to say because I didn’t realize that it was abuse at the time, they were very it was very clear for carefully carefully cleverly orchestrated to see normal and no I’m sure Lacey is not like that I am not either, but that that’s the thing so I think I had the idea that and no I’ve never seen her mother without her clothes that raised her or her other mother either actually but um but I had a different impression of people and I may have slept with somebody and not told us to anyone about it.” he says.

“ See you suck with another soldier when you were over in Iraq probably in some romantic situation and no one was supposed to know no one dead other than possibly people who are friends with the two of you did Kate ever find that out?” says a man.

“ no no he never told her and actually I’m getting kind of bored with this whole thing because now people are starting to accuse me of being gay again Kate is an interesting character. Do you have to recall she’s the one that put herself in that dress Lacey didn’t do that to her. I think you forgot that.” says Lem.