The Illuminati farts into a jar. And genuinely considers selling it.
One Week by Barenaked Ladies plays.
“We sadistically read Lacey’s unprocessed thoughts. And we’re positive Lem was Emperor Constantine. …How can those two things co-exist?” asks an aging Boomer hundred-millionaire.
“How?” says a middle class.
“I got money…it’s from selling things to people.
I don’t own gold. I don’t owe silver.
I thought oh boy lol I sometimes do own stuff…but not really that much. I make most of my money from selling things.” says the aging Boomer hundred-millionaire.
“We insulted her family by using a Facebook movie making company to make them look stupid OK!?” explains MSNBC. 
“OK then even though this isn’t true, and my family owns billions in oil and my birth father was actually one of the richest men in America in reality, and one of the most powerful in reality. He actually was. We’ll just forget all that because you people are too genuinely cognitively deranged and stupid to process that like a normal human.
*Carmina Burana plays.*
So…I’ll tell you what you want to hear. To appease your possibly genuinely almost worthless minds.
You are all Peter Griffin.
Yes. The current Illuminati is being run by Uber-rich male and female Peter Griffins. Not Louis Hill Junior.
Sometimes they can be nice. And even insightful and kind. At times they are actually really great company. …They’re great drinking buddies. And they’re…book-smart. But…for better or worse they’re all essentially just Peter Griffin. …Peter Griffin with a lot of money. Who in many cases sold out to evil…because it seemed like a really good idea…
‘I think…Satan…is rich.’ says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the Illuminati.
Satan approaches Peter Griffin slowly.
‘Are we in love, Satan?’ says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the Illuminati.
Satan simply ignores him after giving him a knowing glance.
‘I think Satan likes me.’ says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the Illuminati.
The Nutcracker, Act 2, The Magic Castle On The Mountain by Tchaikovsky plays.
(Adult content below)
In walks Scotia.
Satan glances at her. Too long.
‘Hey! Satan! …She’s not so great! What about us!?’ says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
‘Silence Peter. I’m in love. You wouldn’t understand.’ says Satan staring at Scotia.
‘’You wouldn’t understand?’ Really? That’s all you have to say after all the years we’ve spent together? Man! You think you know someone!’ says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
Dance Scene – The Presents of Drosselmeyer plays.
‘Get behind me, Peter!’ says Satan.
‘NOO!’ says Peter Griffin playing the Illuminati. He cries.
Scotia regards Satan kindly. ‘Oh hallo! Fancy seeing you here. …How may I serve you today? Oh wait no! I’m not working at a coffee shop as a barista anymore. *she laughs* Erase that!
Say…it’s too bad you rejected Christ.’ says Scotia to Satan trying to be relatable to all involved. Tired. Genius. A bit ditzy.
‘Lacey, did you just insult Satan accidentally by comparing him to a Starbucks customer?’ asks the perfume community watching.
‘I’m not going to answer that. I plead The Fifth.’ says Lacey.
‘SHE’S NOT EVEN FUNNY!’ says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati. ‘What a loser!’
‘No. I actually just…prefer not to talk about it.’ says Lacey, sweetly, with her tits accidentally on full display.
‘DAMMIT!!!!’ yells Satan to Jesus.
‘What’s wrong, sweetheart? Indigestion?’ Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati says to Satan, caressing Satan’s tummy.
The Nutcracker, Act I. Clara And The Nutcracker plays.
‘WHY!???” Satan bellows to Christ, secretly. He’s in Hell.” says Lacey.
The song plays.
“I’m done. I’ve spent HOURS AND HOURS for YEARS debating with you all and trying to calm you down and reason with you and talk you through your problems and misunderstandings. …I’m done.
It’s a lie but here goes:
I’m not Old Money.
3:21
I’m…from an immigrant Norwegian farm family. And…my only interest in Diego was as a drug dealer. I’m a babbling idiot. And I couldn’t find drugs in Seattle. So as a retarded idiot-savant psychic I think I just thought…why not try finding the Illuminati to give me better pot? Right? That makes sense! That’s it! I was after Chris and Diego for POT!
Chris Hayes was a drug dealer once right? Yeah! So that’s it. Right? I WAS JUST AFTER HIM FOR POT! Because I’m too retarded to buy it in Seattle in person. So… even though there’s a plethora of pots and wealthy men in Seattle, who I could’ve seduced with my physical body in person as a retarded, fucking jack ass from a stupid, fucking Norwegian, immigrant family, that just accidentally found oil on their land. Well, they were scratching their butts and eating their poop from their fingernails. I had a dumb ass idea to try to find Chris Hayes and make him sell me pot through telepathy in the illuminati. I track down the illuminati because I was obsessed with the Kennedys and obsessed with the illuminati and obsessed with Stanley Kubrick for yours and obsessed with old money social class, stuff and obsessed with perfume. I have a lot of obsessions I am not you know a genius I am actually really just an idiot savant, and he becomes incredibly obsessed with everything. Including being a good person I’m not really a good person. I’m an idiot savant to imitates a good person really damn well.
And I don’t have hot tits and a nice ass, even though it shows up in photographs. Even though I don’t photograph well oh no and even though actually logically speaking none of this makes sense. What does make sense is what I’ve told you you’re all super geniuses and God-fearing fantastic, brilliant lovers of Satan so let’s really get down to brass tacks once, and for all I am a worthless piece of fucking shit from a farm and all I wanted was pot.” says Lacey.
They act confused. “She’s not a pot smoker!” says Peter Griffin, (playing the role of the current Illuminati) searching through his playbill for clarification.
“And I will now edit this blog. For your entertainment. Because why not? Even as an idiot American farm girl from Tennessee, North Dakota…I know it’s hard to read unedited gibberish.” says Lacey.
“Wooohoo!” says the online perfume community suddenly flashing their genitalia to get Satan’s attention.
“Yes. The ONLINE. PERFUME. COMMUNITY.” says Michael Rockefeller, laughing.
“I’m sorry. I’m not ever wrong anymore since meeting Satan. …Damn, that man understands me! …But…nonetheless, I’m actually getting confused.” says Peter Griffin, playing the role the current Illuminati.
Later.
“You want me to explain what I would have done in And Just Like That, ‘Trick or Treat’?” says Lacey. She thinks. “I never have accidents like that. The end.”
“But you get hit by cars?” says Helena.
“I’ve had to be pulled away from walking into traffic more than once.” says Lacey.
“So how many times has Mark or has someone else had to stop you from walking into traffic?” asks Helena.
“Five or six times?” says Lacey.
“And you were sober?” says Helena.
“Yes. I just have a weird tendency to walk into traffic. Mindlessly.” says Lacey.
“Are you expecting them to stop?” asks a Black man.
“No.” says Lacey.
“She just never sees them.” says Mark in the afterlife.
“So I imagine being drunk…she’d be more likely to get hit by a car.” says Helena.
“Bingo.” says Lacey.
“Ahh…no! Imagine you got into a bike accident in New York City!!! RIGHT NOW!” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
“So I’m kinda thinking that’s not possible.” says a reader.
“HUSH, PEASANT!” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
Awkward silence.
“So you’re telling me…that it doesn’t work…to kidnap your children…just because you lied?” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
“I lied?” says Scotia.
“YOU SURE DID!” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
“Please just tell me once…after eight years of guessing…what I did to offend you.” says Scotia to Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
“KEEP…GUESSING!” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
“Can you please tell me!??” Scotia begs the online perfume community.
“SHH!!!” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati, to the online perfume community. “SHE NEEDS TO GUESS.”
“Because you’re offended?” asks Lacey of Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
“YUP!” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
Later.
“COME ON!!!!” yells Scotia at Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
“NOPE!” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
Later.
“Okay. I’ll explain.” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati. “I’m mad!”
“WHY!?” yells King David, (of the Bible) losing his patience.
“Oh geez! Now they’ve got King David talking to me!?” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
Awkward silence.
“Why won’t you talk to King David?” asks Satan of Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
“Because!” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
“BECAUSE WHY!??” yells the CIA.
“CALM DOWN!” Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati, says to the CIA.
“Peter…why are you angry?” asks King David.
“I’m just…hurt.” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
“WHY!??” yells the very exasperated CIA.
“I cannot handle that you guys keep pretending not to know! All these years!” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
“Peter…do you think the pre-existing Illuminati and Satan can actually read your mind?” asks a reader.
“YES!!!” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
Awkward silence.
“Because they’re psychic?” says Casi.
Peter shakes his head, folds his arms around his chest, and pouts in angry disbelief and hurt. He then turns and melodramatically storms off in silent disdain.
“I can’t keep this up.” says Satan.
“Are you hurt because Satan finds me attractive?” desperately says Lacey to Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
He ignores her and keeps walking. Then says, “SHE WOULD SAY THAT! EGOTISTICAL BITCH!”
Lacey feels weirdly hurt, triggered, and confused. “Why is he angry!???” she desperately asks God.
Suddenly Peter is pictured walking barefoot on a sandy quiet beach. At early sunset. Pants cuffed. Wind blowing in his hair.
The Way We Were by Barbara Streisand plays as Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati, walks sadly along the shore. Hands in pockets. “Just…thinking.”
1:06
“Who is thinking about!?!” says Lacey, to God, baffled.
He looks…incredibly serious.
1:45
He finally holds out his arms like a bird and twirls in the waves crashing into the shoreline.
3:00
The camera pans out to a wide angle view of the beach and then fades into darkness as the song ends.
…
“He’s hurt!” says Satan, seductively, to Lacey, with a smirk.
Carmina Burana plays.
“Why?” asks Lacey of Satan.
1:06
“WHEN DO UOU GIVE US ANSWERS!??” Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati, yells, wielding a pitchfork charging at Lacey. Straight out of his scene on the beach.
1:33
He races at her with venom and profound animosity and resentment.
She laughs. But then restrains herself, trying to be nice and empathetic
For the umpteenth time she says, “What did I do??”
IV. Chanson du toreador by Georges Bizet plays.
“OH! I was actually talking to Vladimir Putin when I just asked you that.” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati. “He’s white trash just like you. LOSER!”
1:55
Peter does an idiotic (but accidentally hilarious) attempt at a Russian dance. To Bizet. To amuse Vladimir Putin.
“I am Queen of the Gypsies!” he sings, clapping his hands and dancing in a circle.
“Did you see that on I Love Lucy??” asks Lacey, sweetly and fondly.
“HUSH PEASANT! YOU DO NOT KNOW DANCE. …NOR ART.” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati, to Lacey.
Vladimir Putin watches, baffled. Mouth ajar.
When Peter finished Putin claps, in sheer horror.
“What…does that dance…mean?” he says to Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
“HA! You think I know? You think I have those sort of answers? …You amuse me, Vladdy.“ says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
He sits down on an antique gilded chair he bought on eBay for $3,000. Crosses his legs. Looks…superior and perplexed.
Awkward silence.
“Are you holding us all hostage?” asks a reader of Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
“YEESSS!” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati. “GUESS WHY!”
One Week by Barenaked Ladies plays.
“When am I…LOVED!??” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati. “I JUST WANNA BE HAPPY.”
Glitter falls from the sky. On everything and everyone.
1:37
Peter gets up and dances to the music.
“GLITTER! YUP! GLITTER!” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati. “You think I don’t know!” he says, very hurt.
The song ends.
1985 by Bowling for Soup plays. Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati, lip-synchs. Kate Shaw-Hayes stands up and dances like Peter Griffin’s biggest groupie ever.
“I like her.” Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati, says about Kate.
1:36
“Ahh…Peter…what the fuck are you angry about?” the CIA asks Peter.
“A LOT!” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
“Kate…do you know?” Lacey asks Kate Shaw-Hayes.
“He’d shoot me if I told you.” she says, shrugging.
“That’s true. I would. Satan’s orders, sorry.” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati, shrugging.
“Do you know?” Russia asks Erin.
“I think…Kate is hurt that Peter noticed Lacey’s boobs.” says Erin.
“But they’re just there. …That’s how they dress in Ancient Egypt.” says Satan, half confused himself.
“It’s just how we dress.” says Africa.
“Well I FOR ONE…FIND IT VERY MORALLY OFFENSIVE!” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati,
“It’s just a cultural thing, Peter.” says Africa.
“NOPE! I’m not falling for that bullshit anymore. Not since joining the Illuminati. I’m tired of being pushed around!” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
Blue Rondo à la Turk by The Dave Brubeck Quartet plays.
“It started, my awakening, in high school.
WHY do girls dress so…slutty? HUH!
*Peter Griffin stares coldly like a private investigator at other teenage girls on a basketball court who are dressed scantily.*
1:51
*He wears a khaki tench coat and smokes a cigarette, thoughtfully.*
I KNEW they were up to something.
BUT WHAT!??
*He does research by glancing through women’s magazines, still thoughtfully smoking.*
And then it occurred to me: IT’S DAMN EXPENSIVE BEING A PRETTY WOMAN.
3:15
Cue my feminist awakening in college! That’s when I realized…THEY ALL WANT TO STEAL MONEY…LOOK PRETTY…AND RULE THE WORLD. JUST…LIKE…ME.
4:25
Ha! …But I could live with that. …Hell…I might even relate to it!
5:00
So why not…let them?
5:20
Yes. I shall let them. WITH ONE MINOR CAVEAT: THEY HAVE TO TELL THE TRUTH. OR I WILL…SMITE THEM!” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
6:21
“And that’s why I hate Lacey. SHE LIES!” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati. “Nobody but me…is capable of true love. Satan and I both know that.”
The song ends.
“Do I have that ability?” asks Tsar Putin.
“No. You’re not that nice. Or that loving.” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
“Aww! Come her, my love!” Kate Shaw-Hayes says to Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
“Not now! I’m thinking!” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
“No. It doesn’t actually get better.” says Truman Capote. “To quote Grace Kelly.”
“Oh! Clever!” says a living writer.
“SHUT-UP! That’s really Truman Capote’s ghost. And I don’t want anyone to figure that out!” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
“GO AWAY DEMON!” yells Jonah Wiley at Truman Capote’s ghost.
“ANEN!!! IN JESUS’S NAME!!” yells Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati at the ghost of Truman Capote.
“I thought you were a Satanist, Peter!” says a reader.
“Oh! Yeah…” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati. “I don’t think he even heard me. It’s okay! Thanks.”
“Oh no! I did!! YOU WORTHLESS ASS!” yells Satan.
“Uhoh!
Wow! Whoever is playing the role of Satan in tonight’s Illuminati meeting sure is doing a great job.” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
“Peter…how big are you?” asks a reader.
“HUGE!!!” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati. “I’M EVERYWHERE!”
Later.
“What’s Peter mad about?” Lacey asks Kate Nesheim.
Kate laughs. Takes a deep breath. Smiles.
Lacey waits.
Kate thinks.
“How frustrated by life was Matt?” she says.
“EXTREMELY?” says Lacey.
She looks serious. Closes her eyes. Takes a deep breath and sinks into her sofa. Thinking.
“Sex.” says Kate, her eyes flashing wide open, quickly.
“What else?” asks God.
“Poverty.” says Kate.
“What else?” asks Lacey.
Kate crosses her arms in front of her. She thinks. “I think he’s…evil. And…ill. Ahh…but what else? …That his interpretation of reality isn’t…real.”
“THANK YOU!!!” Minnesota yells at Kate Nesheim.
“You know…I’ve thought for years that he had some delusions. But I can’t seem to untangle them.” says Lacey.
…
Peter Griffin sits on a sofa. In a men’s club. In London. On an expensive leather sofa.
My Old Flame by Miles Davis plays.
He sips whisky. Legs crossed. In imitation of Don Draper. Top button unbuttoned of his shirt.
“MEN!” he says, grimly. He scoffs. “WHAT A RACE!”
Snow falls behind him. Outside.
:30
He quickly tips back his whisky. Throws the glass against a wall.
He snaps his fingers, “MAID SERVICE!” he yells. “SWEEP!!” he commands like he’s an ancient Egyptian pharaoh.
My Way by Frank Sinatra plays.
We see Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati, in the center of the screen. Snow falling behind. It’s dark. Suddenly. Except for the streetlight through the window.
We stare at Peter.
1:28
Then he starts singing loudly with Frank Sinatra. It sounds awful. And hilarious. But he seems possibly totally unaware of that.
The song plays. And we’re forced to listen to the rest of it…with Peter singing. Along with Sinatra. Loudly.
The song finishes.
End of scene.
One Week by Barenaked Ladies plays as Lacey sets fire to the Notre Dame Cathedral in response to the musical torture of the last scene.
A dead Black man walks the street where he was hung from a tree. “Why do y’all always think we’re in love wit you?”
“It’s cool. I’ll bring revenge.” says Lacey.
She calculates how to strangle evil most painfully. Does a dance as Scotia. Very beautifully. Very elegantly. To One Week.
“I’m not included in her criticism.” explains Lem and Emperor Constantine.
“WE KNOW!” says Africa, to also just clarify.
1:28
“Is there anything real in the request for an apology?” Lacey says to God.
“YES!” says God.
“WHAT!?!!?” she yells ready to slap God until he bleeds from his skin.
“You don’t have a right to MY HUSBAND!!!” Kate Shaw-Hayes yells at her.
“That is pseudo-intellectual, cheap-ass, middle-class bullshit, Kate.” says Lacey.
“Then TAKE HIM!” says Kate Shaw-Hayes.
“I DON’T WANT HIM!!!!” yells Lacey like Kate’s deaf and dumb as a doorknob.
“Then YOU SUCK SHIT!!” yells Kate Shaw-Hayes.
“No. I don’t.” says Lacey, restraining herself.
“You cannot be serious!” says the CIA to Lacey.
“DEAR GOD!!!!!” Lacey yells ready to blow-up the whole damn world.
“How serious are we being!?” says Kate Nesheim to Lacey, possibly lovingly.
“TOTALLY SERIOUS!!!” Tsar Putin yells. “I completely understand.”
Lacey Breathe a sigh of relief. Closes her eyes.
“Why do always purposely try to overcomplicate and confuse what I’m saying?” says Lacey, patiently to Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
The song ends.
“So what is it you think?” says Kate Nesheim to Lacey.
“About what?” asks Lacey, genuinely trying.
“Do you all understand romantic love?” Russia asks the rest of the current Western World.
“I CAN’T TELL!” says Lacey to Russia. “Maybe they don’t!!”
Later.
“Alright. Let’s see…where do I start?” Lacey says to Kate Nesheim.
“Ahh…why don’t you own my husband?” says Kate Shaw-Hayes to Lacey, rolling her eyes.
“Why in the world would I own him?” asks Lacey.
“Because you had some sexual contact with him? Supposedly?” says Kate Shaw-Hayes.
“That’s a huge oversimplification of what I feel. And an error too. I’m DEEPLY INSULTED AND HAVE BEEN FOR YEARS. YOU SEEM LIKE MORONS!!!” says Lacey, very sincerely.
“Oh okay.” says Chris Hayes.
“‘OH OKAY.’!?! What the fuck does that mean!?” says Lacey.
“I actually really do understand.” says Putin.
“Can you explain?” Lacey asks him. “Or is it best for you not to?”
He thinks.
“This is our sex life: Butterfly by Crazy Town.” says Putin calmly to explain.
“YES!” says Lacey. “It’s a silly song. But…the mentality is there.”
Lacey listens. “What a sad song.” she says sincerely.
“I get it!” says Joni Nesheim, smiling in some melancholy while also dancing to the song.
Carmina Burana plays.
Casi as Virginia stands in a scene from Hitchcock. We see her from behind. In Victorian dress. In a dimly lit contemporary art museum.
0:18
She suddenly bows, most dramatically to Christ, like an Ancient Egyptian. Sharp. Sharp bend forward. It’s stunning.
And then from behind
1:33
A thick flock of doves fly over her head, over her back as she stretches her arms forward. And they disappear as birds of the past would…into the walls of art. She smiles…a mysterious smile.
1:46
And all fades to black and flames.
The song ends.
“MARVELOUS!!! Praise Jesus.” says Lacey, sincerely.
The fires in France are extinguished.
“Kisses.” says Scotland to France. “I never kiss and tell. Do you?”
“WAR!!” yells Lacey.
“Very well.” says Satan laughing. “I love war!”
Peter Griffin stands in confusion staring into the ocean. Feet in the waves. Totally dumbfounded with his arms at his sides like wet spaghetti noodle.
“Are they singing ‘The Lamb of God’ in Carmina Burana?” says Lacey. “Lamb of God victorious?”
“See…you needed me!!” yells Michael Rockefeller at the Illuminati. “YOU FOOLS!!”
“Michael…what do your people think of sex?” says Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati. He’s still standing in the ocean staring, dumbfounded.
“She’s right. Where to start?” says Michael.
“First of all, you really don’t seem to want to accept that she genuinely thought Chris Hayes as portrayed in essence by Diego was actually my son. We’ve said that for over a year; that was not made-up. That was a fact.” says Mary Rockefeller. 
“Then how am I innocent?” says Chris.
“Who in Hell said that you were!?” yells Mary Rockefeller. 
“I keep hearing her say that!” says Chris.
“No I am simply saying that it’s not that big of a deal. It was just a mistake!” says Lacey.
“Actually she has said all this for years! The CIA has heard her say this dozens of times Chris. She thought that you were Michael Rockefeller. That’s who she thought was in a bad marriage with Kate Shaw-Hayes. And to be honest Kate I think you have an ego problem. I don’t think you want to accept that not all men would be in love with you!
Mark her husband genuinely thinks you’re butt-ugly! I promise you, he does!!
There are many men who think that you’re a hideous woman. I can guarantee you that! There are a plethora-There are millions, Kate, of other men who think you’re hideous looking. Kate that’s just facts…and your personality disorder is not the whole world’s problem…just because your husband has a television show. OK?
…So let’s hope Kate finally processes that like a logical, rational adult not a narcissistic crackhead.
…Kate the thing is Michael wouldn’t have wanted to screw you…ever…you’re not fuckable to Michael Rockefeller…and a lot of other those men really do wanna screw Lacey, or women like Lacey. …And Lacey had it in her head very rationally…that if you were married to Michael, he might be unhappy being married to you. …Turns-out Chris Hayes actually thinks you’re gorgeous and is madly in love with you…but she knew that you were having marriage problems. He told her that psychically and she misunderstood…and she thought that he was Michael! Kate…it’s very simple. She just assumed because he was using Michael’s energy, potentially, that she should somehow try to sort of flirt with him just to sort of reach out to him as a caring person…just in case if he was truly miserable. And that is not evil on Lacey‘s part. No! I don’t think so. I think it’s actually very thoughtful and kind and compassionate…but turns-out…your husband is not Michael Rockefeller. In fact he’s almost nothing like him at all, and it took Lacey a while to figure that out and in the meantime, you people lost your shit and went crazy on her ass and now we’re stuck with her in the Illuminati. …Why the fuck does she have to keep explaining that to you over and over and over and over again?” says the CIA.
“Did you really like him as himself at all?” asks Jim Craft of Lacey Banks.
“NO.” says Lacey. “It was…a sad misunderstanding.”
Putin nods. “You have to stop lying. You all do channel dead energy. Stars. Musicians. Meatloaf even talked about it! It’s common knowledge! STOP LYING!” he says.
“WHAT THE HELL!?!” a man on a bus yells in his spirit at the Illuminati through Lacey. “WE ARE LOSING THE WAR!!!”
“With Putin?” says the Illuminati.
“YES! Listen to him. Your bullshit machine isn’t working!” he says.
“So…you thought Chris was Michael?” says Kate sweetly to Lacey. “Aww.”
“They look slightly similar.” says Lacey.
“Kate…THEY DO!” yells Princess Diana.
“But he’s not Michael!” says Kate.
Kate Nesheim rolls her eyes. “WOW! You’re stubborn!” she says to Kate Shaw-Hayes.
Kate thinks.
Girls Just Want to Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper plays as dozens of sexually abused rural children with sick, worthless, narcissistic, STUPID parents…decide to shoot themselves in 2007. Their ghosts linger. Watching us.
“Sometimes the funnest thing a girl can do is shoot herself in the head with a gun.” says a dead sexual abuse victim.
“MY SEXUAL NEEDS MATTER MORE THAN YOUR HUMAN RIGHTS!” the current LGBTQ+ community says covertly to us all, and then perversely lie about it.
Kate Shaw-Hayes laughs. “So what!? That’s life. Some kids are doomed. I’m a real Hindu. …Let them eat cake? OKAY!?”
“What about your kids?” a Republican asks her.
“My kids are my kids. They’re special. I’m a REAL Brahmin.” she says, annoyed.
“You’re a slumlord.” says a Hindu to Kate Shaw-Hayes.
“A Jewish slumlord.” says a Mennonite to Kate Shaw-Hayes.
“SO WHAT?!? You don’t understand. Mmkay!?” she says.
“But I was a JEW!” says David Schiebel to Kate Shaw-Hayes.
“SO WHAT!?” says Kate. “I’m actually complicated. Not a joke.”
“Kate…Jews aren’t supposed to screw each other over.” says David Schiebel.
“So!? I was watching your ass. Lacey’s a cheap piece of shit? Right? A golddiger?” says Kate.
“That’s what Jill…my white daughter-in-law said!” says David, getting nervous.
“No!! YOU SAID THAT!” says Kate.
“Because I have power and control issues. And I hated her. Because SHE IS BETTER THAN ME. …And I HATED IT!” yells David Schiebel about Lacey, who married his grandson. “And you know what’s more? I would never have said that to you! …Going into my head and reading me without me knowing it is a stupid-as-fuck way to try to find something out, you little Kike!” says David to Kate Shaw-Hayes.
“But that-that just confirmed my worst suspicions…and so we just went from there.” says Kate Shaw-Hayes.
“Excuse me, I was done talking to you, you little stupid-ass bitch!” yells David Schiebel at Kate Shaw-Hayes.
The song ends.
“That is not what I thought that man would say to us. Geez…I am I’m really sorry. I misunderstood.” says the head pharmaceutical industry guy who thought Erin should be The New Woman.
Peter Griffin tries to compete with Lacey and Casi. “I’ve got to make him love me again.” he says racing on the beach in a scene he was inspired to recreate from Chariots of Fire. Edge of Seventeen by Stevie Nicks plays as he breathlessly jogs. “DAMMIT!” he says.
“Can I just ask you guys something? Have you heard of the term confirmation bias or do you just assume that once you are inhabited by Satan you no longer have any issues with confirmation bias?” asks Casi of the current Illuminati.
“We believe that we’re not like normal people. We think we’re part of thee Illuminated so we get divine revelation from Satan in our most dark thoughts.” says the current Illuminati.
“ so basically, it seems like you just thought that I was after your husband like a Golddigger with no heart or soul because of a bunch of bullshit that you dug up psychically OK and it also made you feel good about yourself because I’m genetically superior to your case at the very least that being said, that wasn’t reality and in reality, I actually thought he was someone else. I am not the one coming up as far as I can tell With the idea that I thought I was talking to Michael, I labeled him F Scott Fitzgerald, but I am also not entirely aware of everything, and I’m learning a lot more, but it was more that he was Michael in my head, but I didn’t even know who Michael Watts OK so you were expecting a hell of a lot from somebody that you didn’t know who you barely understood I cannot fathom being so sloppy and irresponsible When you have so much power eight I cannot understand how someone could be so unconscionable so lacking in conscience I I don’t I don’t get you you seem like an evil stupid as fuck warlord.
But then I think no this woman cannot be that evil she has to have some common sense to her. She has to have some heart to her because I’ve seen you and I can’t believe you’re really that worthless of a person.
But I just don’t get it how way back then and all your sins have you thought that I was still in love with your husband that’s brain dead to me how many fucking times have I had to tell you over and over again Kate, that I am not in love with him at all, dear God, I hope you hear that Yes of course Jack doesn’t want me to say that because his older brother is in denial that I’m over him but people do move on Kate, especially when they understand that they were totally mistaken and no I’m not gonna just let this go you stupid as fuck bimbo you’ve ruined my life whatever I had left of it Why the hell would I let that go? You’ve declared war on you have declared war on me oh, I declare war on you cage no I haven’t you little brainless piece of fucking shit. I declared war, and a whole hell of a lot of people who you’ve crawled up with your worthlessness to attack me. If you think this is about you I will beat that out of you until you are worthless to anyone, but Christ at best when we’re dead. how dare you question me so fucking much!” says Lacey.
“ which demon keeps enabling that woman to be such an idiot?” asks Queen Mary of Scots.
“ both her and her husband have a cocaine addiction and it’s obvious but at the same time I actually hear what Lacey saying it’s like how the fuck can someone be so stubborn the stupid Kate she really wasn’t in love with your husband he just thought she was a hot honey that’s all that happened OK and don’t lie he obviously was cheating on you you obviously had an open marriage I think you have gotten narcissistically high as a kite off of thinking that she’s beneath you and it shows everywhere it’s psychotic Kate you’re you’re not well.” says Israel.
Kate laughs like a lunatic rocking herself back and forth.
“Is she scared or totally psychotic?” asks David Schiebel about Kate.
“Both.” says a doctor.
Material Girl plays as Peter Griffin exercises. “ kate’s gonna be fine, she’s material girl.” says Peter Griffin. 
“ Kate, she was never in love with your actual husband. She really was in love with the persona that he created based on my son and his energy.” says Mary Rockefeller.
“you know I actually think that is a perfectly rational explanation. That is true and I don’t understand why are you people claim to be so enlightened when you can’t just fathom something that simple?” says a reader.
“ because there is some thing Lacey did that she has to apologize for and I don’t think she understands and I don’t think they have it in them to tell her because they can’t handle the fact that she’s not wrong.” says God. “ if I created reincarnation Lacey and Vladimir Putin, or from a very different group of people, then Kate and her husband and they have yet to understand that about themselves and that’s their vanity and that’s their problem. Let them totally messed up. She was nervous if there’s reincarnational Lacey‘s not supposed to be here right now and you have to grow up and except that reality. If you’re going to go around acting like such reincarnation experts, you have to except that she’s reincarnated from Scotia there is no exception you have to deal with the fact that Lem Billings was straight, and he was actually emperor. Constantine reincarnated And that’s who I created the mess. Those were their first lives. If there’s a incarnation, I guarantee it.
I am not the god of the Hindus if they wanna worship me that’s great, but I’m not a Hindu god I’m just not they can’t make me one, even if they choose to worship me as Hindus.
Putin and Lacey and them are not like that them being Kate and Chris and Lem lied to himself about it and made a huge mess of everything.. he’s like Putin and Lacey he understands the way they think the Kennedys do not most people live. Maybe don’t Tucker Carlson might not understand either.
They’re very complicated people, but they try to be moral in a very harsh, cutthroat world. And the idea is simply that it’s sort of arm war, but there are just ways to fight war, and there are unjust ways to fight war. If you are narcissistically, offended person by Lacey or lamb lying about their identity and then forcing them to believe your lie is not going to work you’re going to automatically lose. At the same time, Kate, your hurt you were hurt by the fact that she chose to disregard your feelings and it’s a simple as that she did not take into consideration your feelings as much as you would’ve expected her or wanted her to why is it though that you hold her so responsible instead of your husband?” says God.
“ because I feel like she seduced him!” she says.
“ Kate, in her case, that is a vain lie on your part to believe that she’s just that much better than you genetically. She’s just that superior to you. She did not seduce your husband he was a weak philandering dog.” says God. “ because you messed up in your marriage or you have a horrible person to be married to does not mean that you get to punish the whole world for your mistake if your husband is kind of a jerk. It was a very simple mistake, but I think you keep getting attached to her guilt because you’re not able to hold her responsible you don’t want to admit that your whole lifestyle doesn’t make sense and that all of your political views don’t really make sense and they don’t really really align with your heart And your legitimate perspective on things, you know things are worse in the world than you want to admit.
She hurt your feelings!” says God.
“WHAT ABOUT MY BLUE COCK!??” Tsar Putin yells at God violently. And God understands.
“Did someone paint that man’s balls with blue paint?” sincerely says Peter Griffin. “Gee…I never knew Russian warlords had real penises.”
“Are you serious?” says a poor Indian man.
“YEAH! …I always imagined they were just sexless monsters. And I’ve never looked, so…” says Peter Griffin.
“So…why Lacey?” Israel asks Chris.
“I have no idea. Ask Diego!” says Chris.
“He’s DEAD!” says Iran.
“Let’s see if we can talk to him.” says Chris.
“Hi!” says Diego moments later.
“Hi!!” says Chris, cheerfully.
“Hi!” says Diego.
“So…what’s up?” says Chris, smiling.
“Ahh…what’s up?” says Diego.
“So…gotta question. …Why did you find Lacey…arousing?” says Chris to Diego.
“Ahh…you know…I did and didn’t.” says Diego. He collects himself. “I…just…felt she was…hot.”
Chris looks disturbed. “So you didn’t feel aroused by her?”
“Ahh…no. I mean…she’s like Marilyn Monroe. Like…most men could get hard from looking at her the right way long enough. …But…she’s not actually my type. At all.” says Diego.
“So why did you pick her?” asks Chris, confused.
“Because she’s hot?” he says. A psychic reads him shrugging.
“Ahh…what!?” says Chris.
“So…she’s attractive. And kind of…exotic. I guess?” he says.
“EXOTIC?” says Chris.
“Yeah. Come on man! You always said that too. She’s…just unique. Somehow. And…we could never figure out how. So…
Ahh…we just found her attractive???” says Diego.
“So you just wanted to end the world?” asks Chris.
“YEAH!” says Diego.
“So you just…found her attractive?” says Chris.
“Yeah! Don’t over analyze!” says Diego.
“I NEED SPECIFICS!” yells Kate.
“Ahh…damn. Okay.
*He thinks.*
Her eyes???” he says.
“Okay. I get it.” says Chris rolling his eyes.
“WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS MAN!?” says Diego.
“I’m just feeling creeped out.” says Kate to Diego.
“Kate! Why!?” says Diego.
“Because…I’m GOD.” says Kate.
“Oh. Okay. That’s where we are tonight?” says Diego, with fear.
Kate Shaw-Hayes is given a tranquilizer.
“I’LL BEAT YOU SENSELESS FOR CREATING HER!!” yells Lacey at God. “IF YOU DON’T FINALLY EXPLAIN!!”
Lacey requests Are You Gonna Be My Girl by Jet be played for Jesus on her behalf while he’s forced to stare at her naked.
“When do you blow me up, HONEY?” Lacey says to Jesus Christ.
Jesus thinks.
“What DID I DO!?!” Lacey asks God, tempted to pull out his hair and shove it Kate Shaw-Hayes’s semi-ugly ass.
“I’m sorry I ever created you.” says God to Lacey like a weirdo pedophile through Chris Hayes, possibly.
“It’s very difficult to tell if that’s Him or not.” says Lacey. “Why is that?” she coolly asks God.
“You’re unlovable.” says Satan to Lacey.
“Huh. What does God think?” Lacey asks God.
“I’m not saying that.” says God.
“We used to eat people.” says Eunice Fitzgerald Kennedy Shriver about her family in ancient Ireland.
“What did I do!? Huh?” Lacey asks God likes a mob boss.
“You hurt her feelings.” says God.
“I thought I apologized for that at least more than once.” says Lacey.
“She’s still sad.” says God.
“What did I EVEN DO!??” says Lacey, very exasperated.
“So…it’s like how you…just didn’t think fully of her feelings.” says God.
Lacey pauses to think. As dead people harass her accusingly. She struggles to concentrate and control her mind. “But you eat the bugs.” says Lacey. “When you’re hurrying off to war…and you’re starving. On the berries. Right?”
“Kate how do you claim she hurt you?” asks a psychologist.
“Ahh…just…not really thinking that deeply.” says Kate.
Lacey thinks. “Alright. Let’s see…
Then I would have just started praying to die.”
“That makes sense!” says God.
“Because I can’t think of any other way to survive.” says Lacey. “It’s just…or was just totally untenable.”
“Yes. Kate…without my help…she’d be dead.” says Scott Fitzgerald. “Her life really is…even for me…logically impossible to live.”
“I did that with Satan, is genius move!” says JFK.
“So! I thought of your feelings but reasoned there must be some way it was going to make sense. Or perhaps you deserved it? I hadn’t figured it out. And I made no assumptions.” says Lacey. “About your feelings. Or…I made very few.”
“I’ve never had someone do that to me.” she says.
“Ahh…no. That’s a sick lie.” says Lacey.
“How do you know that?” says Kate.
“I’m not going to bother. That’s too idiotic.” says Lacey.
“Try.” says God.
“Kate…it’s highly statistically unlikely that by your age at the time nobody would have tried that. Especially given your background, and other social factors.” says Lacey, calmly.
Kate pouts.
“And I do know he cheated. I really don’t think that’s almost at all possible.” says Lacey.
“The Bat Crew asked for my protection. And hurt feelings were our protection. From our bosses.” says Kate.
“What the fuck do you expect me to do right now?!” Lacey says to God. 
“I agree.” says Scotland.
“Lacey didn’t have that information?” says James Dobson.
“No! I made her deaf! Lemmers is gay!” says JFK.
“He is not gay. Jack is insane.” says God. 
“Kate why did you decide to sacrifice Lacey instead of being accountable?” says Jesus.
“Because I hated her. I hated her, and I was just being an elite hard-nosed person.” says Kate.
“Where did you get the idea that that was how an elite person would act?” asks Messiah College.
“From television. Not my father. Or family.” admits Kate.
“The problem is Kate it is totally dysfunctional and it’s rather complicated but it doesn’t really work. Why do you hate me?” says Lacey.
“Because of how beautiful you are.” says Kate.
“Ahh…the New Woman?” says Lacey.
Awkward silence.
“ well, no that was a bad call. It really was very stupid and sloppy that she people thought you could just talk to some random person telepathically I had every right to be offended but you know I’m not just angry at you. I am angry at the jack ass, Boomers, who handled you, there was absolutely no reason to take anything you said fucking seriously at all you were clearly a psychotic bitch wife and if I can say that compassionately at all, I say it but that was the role you were playing the hysteric wife the hysteric wife is not without pity that’s rightfully hers, and possibly some sort of love, but she’s not in a mindset to start making plans for a war or really anything else I never could be the historic life potentially I don’t have it in me and it’s both a blessing and a curse. I’m not Jack Kennedy. I am just incredibly different person not like him possibly at all so no I’m not capable of being that hysterical but I think you were, and as evil as you are, I don’t just hold you responsible, I hold, responsible the people who listen to you, and this is were feminism is just absolute bullshit. There are some women who actually maybe it’s not entirely, but hear me out there are some women who really can’t handle being spoken to in that situation, and being given the responsibility of being totally rational and I think you tried, and I think you are a rational person, seemingly more than I had assumed or rather supposed or assumed whatever it was but I I don’t think you were quite 100% rational and I think that might be where feminism has failed because there’s just something about it that doesn’t quite work. Women have to be given a bit of an excuse and maybe there are some men that deserve that as well, but men are generally colder and more analytical like myself. I’m not a man though at all, it’s actually very painful to me to be the way that I am what makes me an excellent person delete a country, possibly or any number of other situations where I’d have to lead. If I am reincarnated, I was brilliant at war really I’m a genius at war, possibly if there’s red carnation, but it’s it’s not common for women to be like that most women are far more fragile and they fall apart. I don’t ever really fall apart just like I don’t really get drunk. I’m always aware if I do get drunk it just slightly makes me a little less aware of what I’m doing so I could fall possibly and stuff like that doesn’t really alter any other part of my thinking, so that’s not how I got thrown down the stairs either. It’s very painful being someone who’s not capable of falling apart, because there are very few men that give a fuck about me because of it I don’t even know phlegm does I think he wants some little bitch she was worth less than a panic.
I don’t like being superior to him I absolutely fucking resent it and I don’t think Jackie understands that you might very vaguely, but no he has no idea what a burden he’s put on me as a human.
Sending me back was not a good idea. If there’s reincarnation no it’s absolutely atrocious. I don’t fall apart. I get hurt, but I don’t fall apart and so it’s very hard for men to feel madly enough around me to give a damn because most men are not capable, possibly of fathoming my personality.
Queen Elizabeth was very similar to me and Phyl. It was a worthless little hog potentially.
I say that not strictly because I think at times he probably was excellent but he should never have cheated on her. He should’ve cut off his own fucking hands before he ever did that.
That being said that’s not your problem your problem dear is that you’re incredibly human and they were expecting you to be like me and I think that’s gross. I think it’s actually disgusting and I do hold the boomers very accountable for their bullshit they they know that it’s bullshit. That’s what I find so repulsive. They know the greed isn’t good they know that they know that drugs don’t fix anything they know that at least a lot of them figure this stuff out but they just do it anyway because they’re just little shit holes but they just go around shitting on everything and I care about them I do but it is absolutely despicable the way that they created the culture war that they did between Christians and non-Christians and conservatives and non-conservatives it’s vile because there is one right answer all those post post modern bullshit that they believe it’s just bullshit it’s not scientific. It’s pulled out of your ass, white trash nonsense.
Him just because something is scary and complicated doesn’t mean that doesn’t have a right answer.
So basically him yes, the art of war may have been partially inspired by me if there’s reincarnations, but that being said sincerely people might know what I do in war but whatever I have not read the book but anyway, the point is maybe there’s no reincarnation the point is all Kate in your defense why did they expect you to to manage your husband like he was some sort of little fucked up child?” says Lacey.
“Because.” says Kate.
“Mmhmm.
No the most supposed to happen do you have to stop being afraid of punishing people in an appropriate way within the illuminati.” says Lacey to Peter Griffin. 
“We have had to kill you.” says Peter Griffin to Chris Hayes.
“Why couldn’t he just be fired first?” says Lacey.
“Because?” says the Illuminati.
“Yeah. You fire him first. GROW UP!” says Lacey.
“He might have tried to kill your ass!” says Peter Griffin to Lacey.
“Okay…then you kill him. He’s nuts.” says Lacey.
“True!” says North Korea.
Jess Seay laughs. Forces herself to talk. “WHY…did you kill Diego?”
They all grow quiet.
“He’s a sort of…darkie.” says Peter Griffin.
“Yeah. I knew that.” says Jess, smiling.
“Yeah. That’s Illuminati secret procedure. You always go for the darkie first.” says Peter Griffin.
“When did they start that?” asks Lem.
“I have no idea!” says Peter.
“Late 1800’s?” says Lacey.
“No.” says Peter.
“Check again!” says Lacey.
He forces himself to check. “Possibly.” he admits.
“Poor Israel. Poor us.” says Lacey.
“So what now?” asks God.
“Ahh…snacks?” says Peter Griffin, seriously.
“What about Chris Hayes?” says God.
“What about him? We killed Diego. It’s fine now.” says Peter Griffin.
“Ahh…it didn’t work.” says God.
“Who says!?” says Peter.
“Peter…it didn’t take.” says God.
“Why don’t you blow-up my family…and I’ll just end the world?” says Lacey.
“How does that save us?” asks Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati.
“Maybe we should all just die?” says Lacey.
Peter thinks. And thinks. “I can’t die.”
“Why?” says Lacey.
“I just don’t wanna.” he says. “Maybe someday!”
“I’d use tornadoes!” says Lacey.
“Maybe someday!” says Peter. “Just not right now.”
They wait in silence.
“So?” says God.
“How about we end the world?” says Lacey.
Awkward silence.
“You know…I’m feeling kind of deep.
You’ve really got me thinking.
…Why didn’t Lem kill himself…over you?” says Peter Griffin to Lacey.
“I don’t know.” says Lacey. “Maybe he felt more loved by me than I did by him.”
“Geez! That’s bad!” says Peter.
“It is.” says Lacey.
“Did he love you at all?” says Peter.
“I don’t even know in that way at all anymore. Maybe! It seems I’m told so. Repeatedly. By God.” says Lacey.
“What’s going to happen?” asks Peter. “When you die?”
Lacey thinks. “I suppose God will sort it out.”
Awkward silence.
“Satan likes you.” says Peter.
“Oh! You know…I don’t think that works.” says Lacey.
“I’m not jealous. Kate and I are different people. Don’t worry!” says Peter.
“I’m not with Satan.” says Lacey.
“Then who are you with?” says Peter.
“Lem.” says Lacey.
“What about Jesus?” says Peter.
“He’s not…with me. Seemingly either.” says Lacey.
“Who’s he dating?” asks Peter.
“Ask God.” says Lacey.
“Okay. Well…we’ll probs torture some more tomorrow.” says Peter.
“Why?” says Lacey.
“Because God’s right. Killing Diego didn’t work. Kate’s still mad. I’m mad. I’m hurt. And Bobby is still convinced Lem was gay.” says Peter.
“This can’t go on.” says Lacey.
“Nope!” says Peter. “IT MUST!”
“That’s hopeless, Peter.” says God.
“Cool!” says Peter, in defiance.
It’s Not Unusual by Tom Jones plays.
Peter does a groovy 1960’s dance. “I’m not high. I’m just in great shape.” he says.
The song ends.
She’s A Lady by Tom Jones plays as Peter Griffin sings to his hot dog. “She’s a wiener!” sings Peter.
“Do you understand he’s singing unclearly?” asks Lacey.
“Yes. But I hear it. It’s good.” says Peter.
“Have you checked the lyrics?” asks Lacey.
“No. I prefer to just enjoy it.” says Peter.
“Peter…have a good night.” says God.
“I’ll try. Hey! Sorry about worshiping Satan today. Are we still secretly doing that thing?” asks Peter of God.
“You mean your salvation through Christ?” asks God.
“Cool.” says Peter.
“I love you Peter.” says God.
And at that Peter Griffin, playing the role of the current Illuminati, vomits. Because he’s too heavily into the demonic.
“I have successfully cut off Christ’s love for Lacey Banks.” Jack says.
“NO!” says God.
“Let’s go to bed.” says Lem to Lacey.
Lacey has to rely on God’s strength to receive that from him. Because it’s repulsive.
“This is BAD!!!” says Frank Sinatra.
“Our sons really ran over us with this.” says a Greatest Generation man.
Stand by Me by Otis Redding plays.
“I can’t stand your country.” Lacey says to Lem.
“Do you wish you were drunk?” asks Lem.
“Yes!” says Lacey. “But I’d rather just be with you and the kids in Heaven.”
She thinks.
“HOW THE FUCK DO YOU NOT KNOW THAT!?” she yells.
“I do. I was just starting conversation. Through mountains of demonic oppression.” says Lem.
“I just have to say to the LGBTQ+ community: you don’t own people! See…people have a right to leave the community or enter it whenever they want! And I can sense that you can’t handle that and that’s a problem!” yells a reader.
“Some problems are incurable.” says Lacey.
“FUCK!!” yells a dead British man in terror.
“Okay…so…I was just hurt. Because…you slept with other men.” says Lem to Lacey. “Because you are and were only supposed to give that to me.”
“And what? Shoot myself in the head or knock my head on a rock until I stop feeling pain?” says Lacey. “Pain that you caused?”
“Yeah. That’s…not…workable. Ahh…yeah. Shoot.
I guess that’s just over now.” he says.
She stares at him.
“I don’t want you to sleep with other men. I don’t want you sleep with anyone but me.” says Lem.
Lacey stares.
“I never did.” he says.
Lacey looks horrified.
“I sleep with you. …You sleep with me. And we don’t sleep with anyone else.” says Lem to Lacey.
She stares at him.
“No! No! I mean it!” he says.
She stares at him.
“It works.” he says.
She almost cries. But controls herself.
“It really does!!!” he says.
She blinks.
She zones out.
She winces in excruciating emotional pain.
“I’m not going to let you. But I’m not able to control Satan completely, so to speak.” says Lem.
“Then why are you hurt?” says Lacey.
He thinks.
“I’ve never been able to fully understand. Do you see?” says Lacey.
“So you have the capacity to be with other men. If I withdraw my love.” he says.
“Well…yes. Darling…I’m merely a woman.” says Lacey. “Or did Jack confuse you about human frailty with his bullshit?”
“So you gave them…MY love?” says Lem.
“Yes!” says Lacey.
“Because you had it figured wrong?” says Lem.
“Are you trying to torture me!?” says Lacey.
“It’s my fault you had it figured wrong.” says Lem.
“ARE YOU MAD!?!” yells Lacey.
“No. I’m…” says Lem.
She waits.
“It’s my fault.” says Lem.
“Then why are you hurt!?!” says Lacey.
“Because it wasn’t me.” says Lem.
“How could it be you? It wasn’t you.” says Lacey.
“But you see…that’s why it hurts.” says Lem.
“I didn’t necessarily know.” says Lacey.
“Why am I so cruel?” says Lem.
“Yes! How are you cruel!??” says Lacey ready to attack.
“I’m not letting myself be that happy.” he says. “Because I’m too scared you don’t want me.”
“How do you mean that?” says Lacey.
“You’re extremely beautiful. And utterly amazing. And I’m…a giant.” he says.
She goes silent.
“I’m sorry.” he says.
She threatens Christ’s life.
“I’m ugly.” he says. “Slightly.”
She is quiet.
“No. I’m…wrong. It’s beyond my fault.” he says.
She’s quiet.
“Well it must have been nice having different men to…spend time with?” says Lem, trying to be cheerful.
“Yes. Quite a variety.” says Lacey.
“But none of them were me!” he says.
“No. Darn, they were not.” says Lacey.
“So! Too bad they weren’t all me.” he says.
She’s quiet.
“Must have been a real let down!” he says.
She’s silent.
“Ha!” he says.
She’s dead silent. And still.
“So…that’s over.” he says.
She’s silent.
“The children are safe. From this conversation.” he says.
She’s silent.
“Too bad. They seemed like nice men!” he says.
“Oh! I think they were!” she says.
“Which one did you like the most?” he says.
“Golly! They were all charming in their own way!” says Lacey.
“Louis seems…deep.” says Lem.
“Oh! That’s mean! He’s FANTASTIC!” says Lacey.
“Too bad you slept with him!” he says.
“Are you really mean?” says Lacey.
“No. I’m MAD!” he yells.
“Insane…or angry?” asks Lacey.
“Insane!” he says.
“Why? Because he’s better? He is you know? He’s better because he didn’t suck cock. And eat shit. Nor go around like a worthless cad…wannabe.” says Lacey.
“Oh. Yes. That makes sense!” says Lem. “No. I’m just mad you were with anyone else.”
“You don’t even care!” bites Lacey. “YOU SUCKED COCK ON MY GRAVE!!! …Regardless?” yells Lacey.
“Not true.” says Lem.
Lacey’s quiet.
“I did. Yup. So…I guess that’s why you did it.” he says.
She’s silent.
“You know it’s not that I did. …It’s that they say I did. And they speak words into my mind and heart and soul. That I NEVER meant to say.” says Lem. “That’s why I said that. Just now.”
“Do you think I’m DUMB!??” yells Lacey.
“No.” says Lem.
Not trusting him she asks God.
“WHAT DID YOU EXPECT!??” yells Lacey.
“Absolute trust!” says Lem, mocking himself. “Or just madness.”
She’s silent.
“So Elliott was…great!” says Lem.
“Yes. Whoever ends up with him shall be very blessed!” says Lacey. “I shouldn’t say that. But…men do brag about such things.”
“I’m sorry…you…had to do that.” says Lem.
“I’m livid.” says Lacey. “I feel incredibly disrespected!”
“I think at least a few of them meant well.” says Lem.
“Did Elliott?” says Lacey.
“Yes!” says Lem.
“And Louis is happy?” says Lacey.
“Yes.” says Lem. “I’m exhausted. We’re going to bed! NOW!”
Keen to Cross the Pond 
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