“Joel, what went wrong?” asks Flannery O’Connor.
My Trigger by Miike Snow plays.
“I kept saying, ‘I hate fags.’ over and over again.” says Joel. “And Lacey found that morally bankrupt.”
2:14
“Why??” asks Flannery.
The song plays.
“Because I hated them.” says Joel.
“Why?” asks Flannery.
Joel laughs. “I was…a zealot. A Republican zealot. And…I had been hit on by several gay men who…were very…offensive. …They often assumed…aggressively…that I was one of them. And…I actually wasn’t.” he says. “I was…very awkward.”
“So you hit on her?” asks Flannery O’Connor.
“I asked her out…REPEATEDLY.” says Joel. He closes his eyes. “But I only hit on her once. And then I messed-up. …Twice actually. And I…was too…callous to keep trying.”
Flannery cries. Walks off crying.
“You did give me your phone number.” says Lacey.
Joel thinks.
“WHY DID YOU GIVE UP!?!” Flannery returns to ask him.
“Pull my trigger.” says Lacey along with the song.
The song plays.
“Spin.” says Lacey.
The song plays.
Lacey laughs.
“I was callous.” says Joel.
“What would you have even done if I’d called you?” says Lacey.
“I’d have been confused.” says Joel.
“And then what?” says Lacey.
“OH DEAR GOD.” he says, in shock. “Ahh…I ate breakfast.”
“What did you eat?” says Lacey.
He cries. Throws a vase at a wall. And is tempted to punch Lem in the face.
“Cornflakes.” he says,
“Did you read the newspaper?” says Lacey.
“No.” he says. “I’m…not…horny.”
“Oh. You have a girlfriend?” says Lacey.
“Yeah.” he says.
“Why did you give me your phone number?” says Lacey.
“BECAUSE I WANTED YOU!” he says.
“But you eat.” says Lacey.
“She’s not…you.” he says.
“What’s wrong with her?” says Lacey.
Joel goes into shock.
“She’s…dull. And…kinda cute. And…I’m not in love.” says Joel.
“But you had sex!?” says Lacey.
“Yeah.” says Joel. He rubs his eyes.
“So is she with you?” says Lacey.
“Yeah? She’s showering.” says Joel.
“She sounds like a huge bitch.” says Lacey.
“Oh…MY…GOD.” says Joel.
“Look…I’m not a worthless piece of shit. Okay? You wanna play? Go buy checkers. I’m not a cow. …This isn’t poker…or checkers. I’m not a card shark. This is my DAMN LIFE.” says Lacey. Then she hangs up on him.
He calls her back.
“HI!” he says.
She’s silent.
“How are you!?” he says, emphatically.
“You want to talk about the British Empire…we can talk about the British Empire.” she says.
“Are you insane?” he says.
“Are you fucking someone right now?” she says.
“Let’s…make out.” he says.
“No. Let’s discuss the British Empire.” says Lacey.
She hears a woman in the background.
She waits.
They argue.
She waits.
“Okay. Sorry.” he says, cheerfully.
“Are you okay?” says Lacey.
“No. I’m in love with you.” he says.
“Where is the other girl?” says Lacey.
“Gone!” he says.
Lacey goes quiet.
“Come here!” he says.
“Come see you?” she says.
“YES!!” he says.
“Maybe.” she says.
“Why did you do this to me!?” he says.
“I had no idea who you were.” she says sadly.
He thinks. “You still don’t know. But why not come see me?” he says.
“Who are you!??” she says.
He thinks. “Just your husband. In this life at least. We’re going to get married. I’m positive.”
The wind now in 2024 suddenly blows very hard. This never happened. But it could have.
“Should it have?” Lacey asks Christ.
“Yes.” says God. “Lem might better understand your pain.”
“Why doesn’t he get it!??” Jack asks in terror.
“BECAUSE I’M NOT YOU!!! …BECAUSE I’M JUST A MAN!! BECAUSE I’M STRAIGHT!!!! YOU IMBECILE!!!!” bellows Lem.
“Then what are we?” asks JFK.
Suddenly Flannery is stuck in a huge box.
Dick In A Box by The Lonely Island plays for Flannery O’Connor who has been aiding JFK in torturing Lacey…because she vainly believed she was a sex goddess. At least in part. Truly. She believed men…like dirty-ugly women.
A hole is cut in the box.
“Hold on! Hold on! Is this edifying Lacey, is this good or is this literally just what’s happening?” says Chris Hayes.
2:10
Lacey thinks.
The song ends.
“I think…I can’t completely tell. It could be…both?” says Lacey.
He looks concerned.
I’m On A Boat by The Lonely Island plays for the Kennedys to mock them. At the request of a few dead heroin addicts. Lacey finds it funny too.
The song ends.
Still D. R. E. plays. “Nah. I’m still fucking with you.” says Lacey to the UK, if there’s reincarnation.
Flannery makes noises as her dead husband seemingly has stuck himself in the hole in the box.
“Earlier today you told Lacey that…you understand sex. …And that sometimes men like to fuck ugly women. Because…ugly bitches understand.” says God.
The song ends.
When the Shit Goes Down by Cypress Hill plays.
Flannery is forced to have anal sex with her husband.
Through a hole.
Cut into a box.
“Yeah. That’s the right choice.” says Joel.
0:59
“You can take a poop in the box. Climb out. And you’re all done. No fuss!” says Lacey to Flannery. “It’s the newest thing!”
2:19
“Box sex! All fucking. For gals who understand.” says Lacey to Flannery.
“I screwed-up…BUT I KNEW!!!” says Chris Hayes.
Rachel Maddow does a victory dance.
The song plays.
The song ends.
Check Yo Self by Ice Cube plays.
“What’s going on?” asks Bernie Sanders.
Flannery cries in the box.
“What!?” says Chris.
Flannery throws the box over from within and then climbs out.
“I did it!” says Flannery O’Connor. She walks off. Naked.
Show Me Your Genitals 2: E=MC Vagina by Jon Lajoie plays.
Lacey laughs.
1:51
Lacey listens.
2:21
“He’s a fool! There’s a huge difference. I’ve been told that. Often.” says Lacey, very honestly and sincerely.
2:29
“Not true!
Is he serious or humorous?” says Lacey.
2:39
“He must be joking.” says Lacey.
The song ends.
The Way You Move plays.
“Is it the way you move? Or your actual vagina?” asks a rapper.
“OH COME ON!! THERE’S OBVIOUSLY A HUGE DIFFERENCE!!” yells Lacey.
He thinks. “Yeah. You’re right.” he admits.
“Why do people lie about stuff like that?” says Lacey.
“Good question!” says God.
And at that JFK tries to pull the hair off the back of Lacey’s head and she can feel it.
The song ends.
“Welp…I hope Flannery’s poop box is removed.” says Lacey.
Flannery is forced to return.
Hard Knock Life by JAY Z plays.
“I’m here. …Nah you ain’t.” says Lacey.
The song plays.
“Yo! Girl…you took a shit!” says Lacey to Flannery.
“I couldn’t not.” she says.
“You constipated, bitch?” says Lacey.
2:34
Flannery thinks.
“Nah! You took a shit! Good for you, hoe!” says Lacey.
3:14
The song plays.
The song ends.
“That’s also what Lacey looks like!” says Lem.
El-Shaddai as sang by Amy Grant plays.
“When I was a little girl my parents used to play this song repeatedly. They loved it. They were also married in a Messianic Jewish Church.
And I used to misunderstand the words.
*Lacey laughs*
I used to think the lyrics were, ‘You shall die. I shall die.‘ and then I tried to speak in Hebrew. …And then because I was about three years old…I didn’t speak the rest. But I felt it in my little heart. …I felt very saddened by this song.” says Lacey.
“I both scared myself, and cracked myself up with that one. Her father, who raised her molested her, and she figured out what was going on, and protected herself essentially from being molested, but what she did also do was occasionally get confused, and this wasn’t mentally off, but I tricked her by sending a demon who is working with her father. They listened to the song over and over again. This is fact. This actually happened! She can verify this! I guarantee you! I sent a demon who is working with her father who raised her to say some phrase. He said it or she heard it in her spirit and so she got it in her head that someone was singing, ‘You shall die! I shall die!’ and she believes that’s what the song was about was death. She believed the song was about the torture-the brutal torture Christian missionaries.” says Satan. “Her parents barely cared about her. They were very well-bred functional people, and at times I may have actually cared about her more than they did. I am evil. I have fun, but I am not necessarily pure evil and at times I actually might’ve cared more about her than her parents. Not that I’m not Satan! But I don’t want to send her to Hell although I can change my mind about stuff like that. I might not want her in Hell because her love for God is so sincere that she would keep worshiping him for eternity. And then that would be sort of pointless. Umm…but yes, this was a little joke, I tortured myself with we’ll say.”
“That’s not funny. There’s nothing remotely funny about anything she ever does.” says the Illuminati sincerely.
“Did that make her cry!? Die that make her cry? Oh my God we rejected her. I’m so excited but she’s crying?” says JFK, excitedly with Bobby.
“No she’s confused because you fucking nitwits have no sense of humor. That’s hilarious!” says Joel.
“I’m sorry. I have a really good sense of humor and this isn’t funny.” says JFK.
2:40
The song plays.
“What did you think the lyrics were?” asks Bernie Sanders.
You shall die, I shall die
El Elyon na Adonai
Age to age You’re still the same
By the power of the name
You shall die, I shall die
Erkamka na Adonai
We will praise and lift You high, I shall die
[Verse 1]
Through Your love and through the ram
You saved the son of Abraham
Through the power of Your hand
Turned the sea into dry land
To the outcast on her knees
You were the God who really sees
And by Your might
You set Your children free
El Shaddai, El Shaddai
El Elyon na Adonai
Age to age You’re still the same
By the power of the name
El Shaddai, El Shaddai
Erkamka na Adonai
We will praise and lift You high, El Shaddai
[Verse 2]
Through the years You made it clear
That the time of Christ was near
Though the people couldn’t see
What Messiah ought to be
Though Your Word contained the plan
They just would not understand
Your most awesome work was done
Through the frailty of Your Son
[Chorus]
You shall die, I shall die
El Elyon na Adonai
Age to age You’re still the same (Ooh, ooh)
By the power of the name (Ooh, ooh, ooh)
El Shaddai, El Shaddai (Ooh)
Erkamka na Adonai
I will praise You (Praise You) ’til I die, El Shaddai
El Shaddai, El Shaddai (Ooh)
El Elyon na Adonai
Age to age You’re still the same (Ooh, ooh)
By the power of the name (Ooh, ooh, ooh)
El Shaddai, El Shaddai (Ooh)
Erkamka na Adonai
I will praise You (Praise You) ’til I die, El Shaddai
“What did you think about the lyrics?” says a reader.
“I thought it was about death. My death. I was singing about my eventual death like it was some sacrifice to Jesus. …The rest scares me.” says Lacey.
Meet Virginia by Train plays.
“Did you think someone was going to save her?” God asks Satan.
“AHHHH!!!!!” screams Satan in horror. “YES!!!! OBVIOUSLY!!!!”
JFK laughs. Cheers himself on. “I did it. I conquered Satan. Using his own love. For her.” he says to God. “See! I’m INCREDIBLE.” He laughs with (awkward) self-confidence at God for daring to not understand his sexiness.
3:00
“Damn! Whatchu packing there?” asks Lacey of JFK.
“Small to average.” says JFK. “WHAT OF IT!?”
“Oh that’s right. You and Flannery don’t have hot or good sex. You fuck.” says Lacey. “So you do what? Fart in people’s faces and then brainwash them into believing you’re God?”
“Yes! …Yes, I do.” says JFK.
“Why?” asks Lacey.
The song ends.
Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe by Barry White plays.
“Because I’m only penis packing for MY PLEASURE.” says JFK. “And I know…how to…have good sex. For me. I’m slightly asexual. Aromantic. And…bisexual. And…I’m…narcissistic and dumb as rocks. So…I just get off. As best I can. …And that’s good enough.”
“NO! You’re a slob for approval.” says Lacey.
“YES.” he admits.
“SO…you clearly are WORTHLESS!” says Lacey, laughing.
“What if I actually am!?” yells JFK.
“THEN LET GOD FIX YOU!!” yells Lacey.
“I don’t want to.” says JFK.
“YOU HAVE NO CHOICE!!” yells Hamish Harding.
Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye plays.
Lacey listens.
“How is this song about sex?” says Lacey.
“What is it about!?” asks Don Draper.
Lacey listens.
“Cereal? Saturday morning cartoons?” says Lacey.
Don Draper listens.
“Is this a pedophilic song or is it just stupid?” asks Lacey.
Don listens.
“It’s stupid.” he says.
“WHAT IS GOING ON!?” Lacey says to Don Draper, in fear.
Oil by Jonny Greenwood plays.
Matt stands with Lacey at the Nesheim farm outside the house. The front door. By the road.
They regard the gravel road.
The Illuminati manifests as an acid-high lunatic, punching the air. It saunters backwards.
It tries to control Lacey. It tries to mimic Lem. It’s insane. Lacey involuntarily runs to it.
“Michael. What’s wrong?” she says.
Michael Rockefeller manifests with an insane look in his eyes. He thinks. The Illuminati manifests behind him.
“I messed-up.” says JFK. “She was my father’s soulmate. She really was. And I’m a terrible pervert.”
Chala Vahi Des plays.
“I go DEEPER!” says Lacey to Michael. And at that she dives into the ground of the Nesheim farm.
She goes to Hell. Stares at Satan. Finds it at the center of the Earth, after all.
“Cozy.” she says to Satan.
“It’s Hell.” Satan says.
“Where is Hell?” she says.
“You’re in Hell.” says Satan to Lacey. “Lots of people are. Very few of them stay there when they die. Some do. Some experience far worse. But usually…they don’t go to Hell. Because they understand evil. …But you know evil so well. You love evil…if God does. Hate it if God does. Jesus, as God, that is.
This is Hell. It’s better than your life.” he says, shrugging. “I can offer this to you…if you fall in love with me. But I know you can’t.”
“No. You know I can’t.
It’s eerie how much less painful it is down here though.” says Lacey.
“Do you know why?” says Satan.
“Possibly!” says Lacey.
“Your kids are Christians. And so is Mark. And you can pray for the world. In peace. …Lacey Jack is more evil than me. And the whole world mindlessly is worshiping him right now.” says Satan. “Whether they mean to or not.”
“Am I supposed to be hurt?” asks Lacey.
“YES! …You are!” says Satan.
“Not enough.” says Lacey.
“And that hurts?” says Satan.
“Yes!” says Lacey.
Jesus joins them.
“I can’t figure out…how to make sense of it.” says Lacey. “It’s just this incessant screeching. Other than for the children.”
“And the animals?” says Satan.
“Possibly yes.” says Lacey.
“You know they care?” says Satan.
“WHO!??” says Lacey to Satan and Jesus.
“Lem has completely failed.” says Jesus. “And yet he also hasn’t.”
“Can he handle that?” asks Lacey.
“CAN HE!?” Satan yells at Jesus.
“Yes.” says Jesus.
“So what’s his problem!?” Lacey asks Jesus and Satan.
“He’s being completely tied up by me.” says Satan laughing.
Lacey breathes a sigh of relief. Relaxes.
“No. That’s good. Thank God.” says Lacey to Jesus and Satan.
“Yes!” says God.
Lacey’s relieved that Lem is fine. He’s not in any suffering other than not being able to express his love to her almost at all. She yawns.
“So you believe in reincarnation?” asks God.
“Not necessarily. …It’s just that you’ve told me I’m spending eternity with him. And if he’s fine other than for not being able to express his love for me…I’m all good. Because I’m assuming I’ll be with him and happy when I die?” says Lacey to God. “You know what I mean?”
“Yes!” says God. “YES!”
She yawns. “Then why do I have to care?”
Satan weeps.
“How would you end the world?” asks God of Lacey. “And how would you end the world?” He says to Satan.
“Widespread quick death. Within hours. Total mass extinction. Full stop annihilation. Mass complete conversion to Christianity. But only happily so, so to speak. As quickly and efficiently as possibly.” says Lacey.
“And I’d redo the whole thing. As is best.” says God to Lacey.
“Without obliterating our souls? Yes.” says Lacey.
“I’d do as planned.” says Satan.
“But you’d like to just forget that…and just totally pull the plug?” asks God of Lacey.
“JFK would relish it too much. All those people would. It’s possibly very sick.” says Lacey.
Satan cracks-up laughing.
“Oh! I’m defying God? Well…I’m a ditz. So…” says Lacey to Satan.
“NO! You’re HURT!” Satan yells at Lacey.
“Shoot. He’s right.” says Lacey to God. “I’m EXHAUSTED.”
“No!! You’re both right.” says Jesus.
“I thought it might make sense.” says Lacey.
“SHIT, WE MADE HER LETHALLY POOR.” says the Illuminati.
“Not really. And yet yes?” says Lacey. “I already was.”
Satan laughs. “Yeah. You just ruined her ability to enjoy Lem and life almost at all until she’s dead. However…you didn’t steal anyone’s love from her. That was all JFK and his family.”
“You know…it’s a stretch to think Lem was in love with Jack Kennedy.” says Lacey.
“His waist is just too damn ugly.” says Lacey.
“YOU ARE RIGHT!” says Satan.
“Yes.” says Jesus.
“I’m sorry. I don’t trust you to be honest.” says Lacey to Jesus. “I’m relieved to hear you agree even if it’s just a little?”
“Well…I wish Jack well…but…he was actually kind of HIDEOUS.” says Lacey.
“He was!” says Satan.
“Poor thing!” says Lacey. “Too bad.”
“He ruined you!” says Satan.
“OH REALLY!? HOW!?” says Lacey.
“No. Just kidding. I’m Satan. I lie.” says Satan.
“Oh dear. He’s charming.” says Lacey to Jesus.
“You’re fine.” says Jesus.
“Did he?” she asks Jesus.
“No!” says Jesus.
“So…how can people possibly be THAT STUPID!?” says Lacey.
“His butt is like a giant fart.” says Lacey. “Those legs are ugly. …He looks like a frog. Is Kermit inspired by him? And Lem is Miss Piggy?”
“Yes.” says Jesus. “And no. Lem…sort of inspired Miss Piggy. But not… They clearly thought Lem was happily in love. But…only to a point. …They were calling him a pig. Clearly. A prissy, annoying one too. …But…she’s actually happy. There’s no sane way Lem was happy with Jack. It’s completely impossible. …He was straight. And…it’s not fully inspired by him. …Kermit is…JFK. But also Andy Griffith. He’s a white guy. It’s all subconscious…and if there’s an Illuminati they use our subconscious thoughts and associations to control people in popular characters. Kermit is supported to be calming. Post 1960’s. Someone may have told Lem to watch Sesame Street to calm and cheer him after Jack’s death thinking he’d find comfort in seeing Miss Piggy and Kermit in love. But…it only made him worse. People accidentally misunderstood him and intentionally did.” says Jesus.
“Okay. But…what’s up with his waist, JESUS!?” says Lacey.
“He has a very ugly waist.” Jesus says to Lacey about JFK.
“WHY…did people ignore the obvious!?” says Lacey.
Phantom Thread I by Jonny Greenwood plays.
“Because Jack was extremely evil.” says Satan. “Jack knew what he could get away with. And he tricked me.”
The Hem plays.
“Is this about Joe?” says Lacey.
“YES!” says Jesus.
“WHY DO I CARE!?!?” yells Lacey.
“I LOVE YOU!” Satan says to Lacey.
“Mmm…that’s probably not a workable thing. Dear GOD help us.” she says.
“So it’s about Joe.” says Jesus. “Yes. Until he abandoned you for Pat Wilson he made everything seem…plausible.”
“Lovely! I’d like to torture him to death. Repeatedly.” says Lacey.
“Yes. How!?” says Satan, intrigued.
“I’d twist it off. Like he’s made of nothing but clay and nonsense.” says Lacey.
“Nothing?” says Jesus.
“WHERE IS IT!?” says Lacey.
“It’s there.” says Jesus.
“Great. Take it please. But I have no interest in him. And if I do…I’d rather you destroy it.” says Lacey.
“He’s still in love with you!?” says Satan.
“DESTROY IT!!!” bellows Lacey.
“I can’t.” says Satan, shrugging.
“Can you?” Lacey asks God.
“No.” says Jesus.
“I wish him well. But…his love for me is a nuisance. I EXIST. And I resent their intrusion into my life. IT’S EVIL!!” says Lacey to Jesus.
“But he loves you.” says Jesus.
“Has Satan had anything to do with this song?” says Lacey.
“Yes.” says Jesus. “He choose this song.”
“Then Satan is a better lover. And we’ve never made love, I hope.” says Lacey. “This is BEAUTY.”
“It is.” says Jesus.
“Yes. And of course God created it. But…that’s just it. It’s you…or it’s NOTHING but HELL.” says Lacey to Jesus.
“JFK’s butt is bad. But why hate him?” says Satan.
“I don’t know if I do. Do I!?” she says to them.
“You don’t. Unless you should.” says God.
“What do you feel though!?” Satan asks Lacey.
“Love. …And I feel like laughing. …And I feel like…sleeping. And…I feel…baffled. And I feel hurt. I feel extremely hurt. …And deeply betrayed. I feel…sick. …And I couldn’t care less about Joe’s love for me. I only wish him the best.” says Lacey.
“STOP PROTECTING ME!” Satan yells at Lacey.
“But if you love me…I CARE!!” says Lacey.
“That makes sense!” says Satan.
“That’s all I can do with my brain. As a human.” says Lacey. “I’m sorry if we just about made love.”
“No. That’s cool.” says Satan.
“Except it’s not.” says Lacey.
“I KNOW!” yells Satan.
“Maybe Satan can make me laugh, Lemmers.” says Lacey. “Carry me around. Confuse me. And I could try to be more uplifting.”
Later.
“Am I the KTIS of homosexuality?” says Lem.
“Yes.” says Lacey.
Open Arms
You Touched Me
Take Your Time
Living For You
You Keep Me
You Never Let Me Go
and let’s see…Everyday Is In Your Hands.” says Lacey.
“Did you ever used to think things were okay in the world?” asks a reader.
“YES! I used to listen to Cheryl Crow and smile. Because I felt that…optimistic. But then slowly over time it was stolen from me.” says Lacey.
“How much did I just hurt you with that today?” says Joel.
“A lot.” says Lacey. “Not as much as some things. But a lot. …I had it in my head you were a better person.”
“I was trying to sleep with you.” says Joel.
“What does that even mean?” says Lacey.
He thinks.
“What is sleeping with someone…really? What does that even really mean?!?” says Lacey.
“It just means that we wanted each other.” says Joel.
“But then you wanted lots of other people probably too.” says Lacey.
“No.” says Joel.
“Well that’s what it looked like.” says Lacey.
“Except I’m not a…cad.” he says. “I’m not like that.”
“I hold you far more responsible than a lot of people. Believe it or not. Because I feel like you actually really knew better!” Curt Craft yells at Joel.
“I knew she would like me. I just…messed-up. …On a scale of one to ten it was a seven.” he says.
“YEAH!!” says Curt. “THAT IS BAD. SEVEN…IS BAD.”
“So…I’m a player? No. But…I…was spoiled. Rich. And…I had nice parents. And…I’m actually pretty good-looking.
Lacey…I need to apologize someday. I made it really difficult to love me. …I’m sorry I didn’t…tell you what you needed to hear. I was in love.” says Joel.
“Goodnight, Joel.” says Lem.
Keen to Cross the Pond 
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