“I Need To Edit” by Lem

I had a very unhappy life.

Epilogue by Johann Jóhannsson plays.

But my family knew that and cared. The people who know that and truly care about Lacey are all dead. As am I.

When I was young I had no great dreams of romance the way she did. …As a boy I had looked forward to falling in love and getting married when I grew-up. But I wasn’t like F. Scott Fitzgerald and Lacey. I wasn’t expecting that sort of thing from life and looking forward the way they both did. …What’s worse? Their life, really. …Especially Lacey’s. Lacey is 41. Scott died in his 40’s. He couldn’t force himself to live any longer, in many ways.

No. My life was bad though. And again, my family knew that.

Donald Trump is underestimating my profound hatred for the Kennedys. My absolute violent hatred of ALL of them.

A Normal Family by Johann Jóhannsson plays.

The Kennedys are all “monitoring spirits” if such a thing exists. They’re all passionately self-interested and deceitful. Ruthlessly evil. Conniving. Gross. I wish the whole family had never been created. In my estimation they’re the scum of humanity. And no, that’s not Lacey saying that, it’s me. I’m Lem Billings. And while I was alive…I tried to be kind to them and be their friend. …But on my deathbed I gave up on my entire life and just longed to die because of them. Why would I have them carry me around? Two reasons: Because I longed for some sort of normalcy and for my love for them as people to matter somehow, and because I wanted to make them carry my huge, heavy casket around and frustrate them. I HATED THEM.

One of Twelve by Johann Jóhannsson plays.

After I died I realized how worthless my relationships with them had all been. …Lacey would have known that long before I did. So would Scott.

I’ll never forget the dark night in New York City, in the late 1970’s, when I wandered in to a heterosexual pornographic film and finally found my own sexuality. …It was different than any other pornography I’d ever seen. I sat there…stupefied by the shocking reality I was experiencing. …I had always known I was attracted to women. But I had thought I was gay because when I was 13 years old I was molested by an Episcopalian priest at night when I was volunteering to help him organize the sanctuary for Sunday. I hadn’t understood that the way my body reacted was no indication of my sexual orientation, but merely an involuntary physiological response. In my young mind in the early 20th Century…my response to him was proof I was homosexual. Absolute proof. …And when I discussed it with my father later, who was a well-respected doctor he told me it was homosexuality without understanding what or why I was asking him about homosexuality. I asked him what it meant when I man was given an erection by another man. That’s all. No specifics. And he told me that was homosexuality. …And he died before I could ask him any more or before he could see why I was asking and try to stop me from ruining my whole life. He died relatively shortly after I was molested. I don’t think he really understood what was going on almost at all. If he’d lived another ten years even…I’d not have ruined my life. He would have sat down and warned me and yelled at me and tried to talk me out of it. Jack Kennedy or no Jack Kennedy manipulating me. But he died.

I sat there in 1980…half dead…lonely….miserable…determined to die within the next year or so. And I bitterly realized I was heterosexual.

“Is this a faggot production?” I asked the one other man sitting in the audience with me. Or something like that. I asked him, “Is this a film for faggots?”

“No!!” he said, very confused. He was so confused.

Forces of Attraction by Johann Jóhannsson plays.

It was so emotional. So serious. And I’d not seen anything heterosexual that emotional before. That…thoughtful. And I was stunned. Because I saw my own sexuality and I realized I was just straight. You see…I met Jack Kennedy when I was young and he was violently closeted bisexual narcissist. And I had no idea how normal it was to be so sensitive about sex and be straight. Jack was far from sensitive or deep about almost anything. And I was…always so sensitive and deep. And I had assumed that that was just a part of my homosexuality. …And I was shocked to realize…it was…really just normal.

It was a pornographic film that was made in the style of Ingmar Bergman. Actually it was possibly a homage to Scenes from a marriage. Although…not necessarily. But it was…very deep. Very fitting for a 3 AM showing in New York City in the spring of 1980.

I was…overwhelmed. And I felt…scared. And I felt…profound grief. My life felt…as though it should just end. I had no one. Not really. Not really. No actual kids. No wife. I had…a horrible drug addiction. My body was failing. I was aging. I had Herpes that JFK had given me instead of real friendship. I hated being alive. I wanted death.

And so I didn’t think…as I rode the dreary subway ride home…with nobody caring about me…barely anyone even looking at me…that I should tell someone, “Hey! I realized I was straight tonight!” My brother would think I was nuts for not being aware of that before. He would find it extremely embarrassing to even hear me. Demoralizing. And it felt far too private to tell him anyway. …My sister would have had a similar reaction. I would never tell my other family that sort of thing. …I had few “friends” left. The “friends from the 70’s” you read on Wikipedia were not real friends necessarily and should never have confirmed my sexual orientation so…officially. They couldn’t have known and had any real idea what my actual orientation was. They would have been guessing and I hated discussing that sort of thing with people and part of the reason why was because I…found it incredibly depressing…and I was actually always perplexed by it, subconsciously at least. …In my era you could be attracted to women and still be considered homosexual because it was so expected that men would automatically be attracted to women. …So…it bothered me…but I assumed I was just a normal man…but also an afflicted homosexual.

Why did I act gay? …Because I felt it was honorable. …I had a very strong sense of right and wrong. And I felt it was evil and vile to ruin a woman’s life by marrying her if you had the disease of homosexuality. …That was my motivating force. To be good. To be kind. And I just couldn’t live like Jack Kennedy. I couldn’t jeopardize the happiness of a nice young woman like sister…by letting her marry me. It felt wrong to me. So…I tried to be honest and act homosexual. To warn people. To be clear. To be honest. To keep women from falling in love with me. And to possibly find some man to love. …Because it seemed theoretically possible I might find homosexual love. And I felt that given my condition…God would understand. I was just a faggot and maybe…someday…I’d be happy. …Jack wasn’t the real reason I never got married. But I thought that, especially as I aged some, because I didn’t realize entirely that I was straight and I forgot about my vow as a youth to protect women. At least not consciously. I didn’t think about it. It was my first thought as a teenager and it influenced my thinking the rest of my life. But I mostly forgot about it. I had so many people tell me that I should have been married and so I had that in the front of my mind instead of my teenage thoughts. …And I eventually reasoned that I was kept from marriage by Jack Kennedy and his family because they did control my life and I felt that…had he not have forced himself on me…with his whole family…I might have been lonely and frankly horny enough to get married… You know? Young men need sex and all that? …That was very pervasive thought at the time and I was influenced by it and believed Jack had simply stopped me. …But that was me not taking myself and my…mind…seriously enough.

No…I was determined to be honorable. Represent myself as accurately as possible. Represent who and what I really was. So as not to harm anyone. Ever. Like a warning of my leprosy. A Jewish star, if you will. …See! My thinking was common. People who’s minds are different should warn others! That’s only considerate! …And…I genuinely believed that, given my homosexuality (that didn’t actually exist), I was possibly capable of finding happiness with a man. Who knows, right?! …I even thought about what men would like. Studied gay men. And that was where my effeminate persona came from. It was an attempt at being the ideal gay man. To try to find real happiness as best I could.

I came from a very independent, intelligent, intellectual family. So…homosexuality wasn’t the shameful thing it was to other people. In my family it was seen as a medical condition. Not normal or healthy, but…a sort of bizarre medical condition nonetheless. And I believed Jack had it too. But…he lied about it. And I frequently admonished him not to. But he felt I was the crazy one, or rather he said he felt that. And I deeply resented him for his lies. I had very deep hatred for him from the start but I hid it. And, amazingly, no historian has ever really noticed it.

I lived half awake the whole time. Often drunk. Smoking. Pampered. Because they were an incredibly wealthy family. And I was horribly disappointed in my life…morbidly depressed but still grateful for my family and determined to be honorable. …Determined not be a loser. …And the Kennedys kept me distracted. Until I died. Stealing from me. Controlling me. And they still have that in mind, to this day. To use me, steal from me and control me and anything related to me. They’re OBSESSED.

Was I obsessed? Not really. My family has a divided opinion on whether or not they ever thought I was obsessed with Jack Kennedy. I spent an exorbitant amount of time with him. But…I felt I should. I thought we were an item. Secretly. And I meant to try to be happy. And…he demanded my time and attention. He was very violent about it, actually. Very aggressive. …Jack was a perverted man. He enjoyed making people feel incredibly uncomfortable even as he presented himself as their true friend. …I was not genuinely obsessed with him. Neither as a man attracted to men at all…nor as a man who was…being manipulated. …I just…wasn’t. I was…being made to look that way…and I certainly had a fawning response to him…but I wasn’t experiencing actual obsession. Or even fascination, actually. I knew things about him…but I didn’t memorize anything. Okay? I didn’t observe him like a crazed lover. …I can’t stand that people have made me out to be that man. …I simply knew a few things. I’m an unusually intelligent person. I didn’t watch him. …I was never that fascinated by him. …I just wasn’t. I was made to look that way because it made Jack and his family very happy to think of me as being like that towards him. They WANTED me to love him passionately and unconditionally forever. They still do! They WANT THAT. …That is not actual reality.

“Lem is crazy in love with Jack! STILL!! TO THIS DAY!!!” says a poor, rural Japanese woman in imitation of the Kennedys to mock them.

American Boy by Estelle plays.

“WOW!!! HE SOO IN LOVE!

MY GOD!!!

Lemmers is so in love with John!

IT’S CRAZY!!!” says the poor, rural Japanese woman in imitation of the Kennedys to mock them. “HE IS HERE ALL OF THE TIME! …HE NEVER GOES HOME! …MAN! He is OBSESSED!!!”

Joe and Rose Kennedy got a HUGE ego hit from believing I was OBSESSED with their son. And they fed into Jack Kennedy’s delusions. The whole family did. Because I came from such a Old Money, white, Protestant, impressive family. That was very important back then. And so they got a huge thrill out of thinking a handsome, intelligent young man from a family that had started a prestigious Black college was OBSESSED with Jack. They LIVED for sexual kicks. Not sexual pleasure. But to use sex to get high. Especially off other people’s perceptions of their sex lives. People thinking you were a sexual dynamo was vastly more important than the actual sex itself. In reality the Kennedys were all terrible in bed. Reticent. Almost asexual. Weak. Boring, ultimately. Unloving…or embarrassingly shallow, trifling and unfailingly disappointing. With every gender. In every situation.

But to me…that was not…a bad thing. Because I was straight. …I hated gay sex. …So Jack’s inability to stay focused and faithful was a good thing. I didn’t want actual intimacy with him. I didn’t realize that. But I didn’t mind him being with dozens of other people. Women. Men. …And he’d arrange these photographs. Often. And I’d go along with them. To appease him. …He’d tell me to stare longingly at some mediocre bitch slut who he was planning to fuck who was crazy about him. And I’d do it. He’d tell me to take a photo of his dick. He’d tell me to take a photo of him posing. He was hungry for constant attention and adoration. Always. …And HE had a sexual FASCINATION with sharing a woman with me. He was OBSESSED with that concept. It was mesmerizing to him. So he frequently posed me that way in photos. And I was not actually interested in the idea. At all. I understood that it was a popular way for young men to examine their homosexual tendencies. But to me…it was…blasé nonsense. Because I had experimented with other young men. And while I didn’t actually enjoy it…I had no interest in exploring or examining homosexuality in such a rudimentary manner. Or…abstract way. Because I wasn’t actually attracted to men. I had no sexual desire for men. I had no sexual fantasies about men. Jack Kennedy did. He often fantasized about men sexually and had started that long before meeting me. And so to Jack Kennedy the idea of sharing a woman with a man who he was attracted to was arousing and exciting. He was obsessed with the idea. He even tried it with Jackie. …But I was never interested. And…they would flirt with me. Be attracted to me on occasion. But ultimately I had no interest and he was their obsession temporarily or more permanently.

I had no girlfriend. But I did have boyfriends who weren’t real boyfriends of course because I was straight. But boyfriends as much as I could have them, so to speak. …And again, I wasn’t actually possessive or jealous of other men with Jack Kennedy. I may have seemed that way, but that was more Kennedy fantasizing. Jack was possessive of me. Jack was possessive of Jackie. He was a very jealous, possessive person in general. He was a narcissist. All Kennedys tend to be possessive and jealous but as toxic narcissists, so they don’t have any intention of letting you know how they actually feel. Jack was incapable of getting truly close to people as he would get too narcissistically threatened eventually or at first. …I just wasn’t jealous. And I could have been! Even as a straight man. But I just wasn’t. …No. Jack was possessive of me. …I gave people that impression. But I wasn’t. …Look, if I had been…how THE HELL would I have happily tolerated being with Jack Kennedy!? That’s ABSURD! And what’s more…tolerated it at all! …I DIDN’T CARE! …In reality I DIDN’T CARE! …I was straight…but I didn’t know that.

I figured it out…one night in Manhattan. Alone.

Dreamer’s Path by James Quinn plays.

And then I rode home, old, morbidly sad, alone. To my apartment. Alone. Walked in and was alone then too.

Sat. Stared out my window. Watched the sunrise.

Looked over at the other side of the sofa. Nobody was there. Of course. And I knew that. I knew nobody was going to be there. But I just thought to look anyway.

The song starts over.

And within a year or so I was dead. Within a year…I was…happily dead.

Jack Kennedy ruined my life.

I’m Kirk LeMoyne Billings and JFK ruined my life. And I’m writing this from the grave. How? Lacey hears me. She doesn’t conjure me. I’m constantly with her, in Christ. And all she has to do is listen. No. I’m not a demon. I’m a real ghost. And I’m beyond angry.

Jack Kennedy ruined my life. John Fitzgerald Kennedy ruined the life of Kirk LeMoyne Billings. And I’m saying that from the grave, in Christ, as Kirk LeMoyne Billings.

The song ends.

Jazz Suite No. 2 plays.

0:40

I don’t know how to communicate to you how I feel. But please know I’m angry. …Of course I have myself to blame! I know that! …But Jack ruined my life! There’s no two ways about it! …I would have been very troubled without him, but my whole life wouldn’t have been flushed into Hell’s toilet. And Lacey wouldn’t be suffering nearly as much. My kids wouldn’t be suffering as much. …Yes! MY KIDS! …Her kids are my kids. …And…it may come as a shock to you to hear that a straight man could have acted so convincingly gay, in 1935. But I did! People don’t imagine that’s even possible. But it is! And some bisexual or closeted gay men have been liars and faked being like me. Certainly! But I’m real. I actually made that mistake for real.

Was I closeted? Yes and no. I wasn’t really. …I was in a way. Because I never declared myself gay. Never openly. …But I was very open in my mannerisms. And at times I dressed gay. …Back then MOST homosexuals were “closeted.” And you came out through manner and dress and lifestyle. You weren’t open but you dressed the part and acted gay as a way of being as open as was socially acceptable at the time. Very, very few people ever would have openly expressed homosexual feelings. Not publicly! Not even in close groups of friends! No! …It was very taboo. Very shunned. …Because it was seen as an affliction. A curse. Or outright evil. Or both. …But…I also was uncomfortable with the discussion because I felt… Ha! …Well let me put it this way: I was straight. So…I hated thinking about what I was doing too much. I was actually grossed out by it. So I avoided “overthinking it” or “over-analyzing.” I thought about it and thought it was gross. But…at the same time…I felt it was my only option. So I reasoned that it couldn’t be all that different than being a woman and being frigid. You know? There was the theory that women don’t really want or need sex. And I thought I was maybe a bit like that, as a homosexual man. Rather frigid. You know? You had to put out. But as a nice person…maybe you just…didn’t want to. Some people were able to enjoy it…but I just…couldn’t. And of course I could with a woman! But who couldn’t!? Right!? Most men could with a woman, that is, I thought. And I wasn’t about to be evil. I thought about it. But I just wanted to be sure not to harm anyone!

No. I avoided Jack at times using women. And I reasoned that they were loose professionals. Those women. Or they were usually asking for it. That sort of thing. At times I was extremely angry. But…I frequently tolerated it. And avoided him.

Did I encourage him to find another man? No. …I wasn’t happy with him. I knew I wasn’t in love with him from the start. I wondered at first if we might be…but I knew at the same time that it wasn’t likely. And I just…didn’t care. Not that much. …He rarely ever wanted anything but oral sex from me. And it didn’t matter if it was heartfelt or not. Right front the start he didn’t care if I was under the influence of alcohol or if I preferred not to enjoy myself at all, so to speak. Okay! He cared some. But…being narcissistic…he just contorted the situation into one where it all was in his favor. So…I was frigid because I was normal. And like his mother. And…because he was so straight. …And he preferred something quick, orgasmic for him, and emotionless. Not a great amount of pleasure for him. He had no openly declared desire for me. He never lost himself and became my lover, or rather tried to. Because that was too deep and emotional and would have required he be more mindful of other people. And he didn’t have a desire to seem like my lover to me in any real way or to himself or his family. In a cruel, perverse way? Yes. But on a deep level, no. He also was very bad at sex. …He was a rapist. So he lost his temper and violently demanded sex. From women and men. But he never “lost himself in passion” the way some narcissists can and do. I wouldn’t have been receptive anyway. And he may have known that. But I don’t think he really acted that way in sex a lanky ever anyway. …Maybe Red Fay had a more passionate sexual experience with him. But I did not. And really…he just wasn’t capable of that kind of sexuality, I don’t think.

I just…suffered through my life. And…after he died…I didn’t see much else happening to me that could matter. I had Herpes. He gave me Herpes. And he was not my reason for being. I fawned over him as a trauma response. And it fooled a lot of people, I guess. Including some gay men who amazingly never recognized that I was straight, it seems. But…I did have no point to my life beyond the Kennedys. They totally took over. Like parasites. They were a parasitic family. …They still are! …And I….woke-up and found that my life was over. Or so it seemed. …What could I do!? …I was…aging. Balding. I had Herpes. And there were no signs of my life genuinely improving.

Did I assassinate Jack? Well…what if I did? What if I knew? And that was part of what haunted me? Part of the real reason I fell into a great deep depression. Nobody wants to consider that. And even if they have…they’ve never had the courage to discuss it publicly or possibly even openly. With almost anyone.

No. It’s sad. But I acted gay. I wasn’t gay though. What you keep saying is me…is merely an act. It’s not rooted or grounded in my actual person. Much like Joshua Jackson or Jack Coleman from “The Office.” It’s an act with me. And I’m apparently a decent enough actor. But…it was an act. I believed I was a gay. I believed I was homosexual. And maybe that’s why you think I was. But it was a daily conscious act. And…what I merely thought I was. Had you asked me I might have told you I was…very…tentatively. But…despite my intuitive hesitations…I objectively came to the conclusion that I was in my youth and stuck with that. Projected that self-perception. Even if it wasn’t at all true. I was straight and I seemed straight. But it was my soul. My persona was…a gay act. Listen…Lacey can audibly hear and physically see the flaws in my act. And there are many. Why can’t you?

A day or two later:

“Lem. …Why did you help Jack cheat on Jackie? Why did you engage in that behavior with him yourself? Especially if you were straight!?” asks a perplexed reader.

“I was somewhat being held hostage.

David Pitts does discuss how Jack tracked me down during the war. And he did that because I was avoiding him. I actually was hoping I could distance myself from him after the war. And I was experimenting with not responding to him. Just to see what would happen. And he tracked me down. …He stalked me. And they all did. The whole family. …He threatened the life of me and my family if I ever told anyone anything…that he didn’t want people to know or if I ever ‘left him.’ Not like we were actually together! No! …He’d never acknowledge that! No…he just made it clear that I couldn’t ‘ignore him’ or ‘be cold’ or ‘try a fast one’ or basically hurt him at all. He was also psychically violent. I was scalded by their shower because I refused to give him oral sex enthusiastically. I couldn’t. And on that occasion I couldn’t fake it easily enough to convince him I was enjoying myself. So he gave me bad burns all over my body. He was a very cruel and sadistic man.

My mom was scared of the Kennedys. So was my sister.

But…I also had hopes he’d give me up. For Jackie. Because he did love her. As much as he could love anyone. …And I reasoned he’d have kids and settle into a routine with her. And be happy. And maybe he’d expect me to drop by less often. Maybe I’d be able to spend less time with him. But he didn’t change.

I’ll tell you what. I didn’t enjoy it. …And I did feel bad for Jackie. But…he found ways to manipulate me into ‘hanging out’ as you say and then he’d threaten me into giving him oral sex. He’d often disguise our meetings as friendship and then force me into servicing him. …And I felt…I’d gotten myself into it. I was gay, I thought. And I had no intention to marry a woman and ruin her life. …And I never found men attractive. You know? So…there was no driving force to keep me away from him. No one cared outside of my family all that much.

See…at the time I made the choice to keep being his friend and see him and Jackie…out of fear…and out of a sense that I didn’t want to ruin a woman’s life. …But then later I felt that if he’d not been around I’d have gotten ‘lonely’ enough to marry. …And that was before I fully understood that I was straight. …But the truth is I wouldn’t have even thought I was gay at all eventually. If I hadn’t of met Jack. …I would have figured out I was straight by my late 20’s! …But he was very controlling! …And you know…it wasn’t that he loved me. I really doubt he loved me almost at all. …No, it was about abuse and obsession and control. It was a huge power trip for him. And that’s possibly the majority of his fascination with me. …He also got me to give him gay oral sex, as he was a rapist and he regularly raped me. But…I doubt that was his…fascination. He could have been serviced by lots of other men. And he was on occasion. No. I think it was power.

…Did I also not care about Jackie? Yes. …To be honest…this blog is partially being written because Lacey, my dear wife, my lover for eternity, is actually Lacey Banks. …She’s TOM BANKS’S daughter. You see? …And he was…’a big deal.’ She’s possibly his only daughter. And it’s very likely she would have met Elliott. And Joe. …Lacey is extremely beautiful. She just is. And…both of those two would genuinely have been attracted to her. Elliott has never been confused about it. He knew she could have been his girl…Joe…has been in denial about a great many things. …I would have definitely have met her. …And…she’s mine forever. So…she doesn’t understand that all entirely, if at all. But there you go. …I was straight and I am very attracted to her. …She would have been my wife. …And you’d not have myths and lies to sort through about me at all. And Bobby Kennedy Junior would be a better person.

And…if Joe Kennedy Junior had been interested in her and I had met her through him I’d never have let him hurt her. Regardless of whether or she was interested in me. …I’d never have let him hurt my sister either. Or my daughter. But…Jackie was…not my actual… I didn’t feel she needed or possibly deserved any sort of help from me. Louis Bayard misunderstood the nature of my admiration for her. …I wasn’t in love with her. I did find her attractive. I did have a slight crush on her. But I didn’t…respect her all that much as a person. …And I’m sorry to say that.

Look…Lacey’s aunt owned a prestigious clothing store in Long Beach, California. Her grandfather helped start a town in Nebraska. Her father had a hand in controlling elections. He was a multi-millionaire. He had a country estate. A cabin near Duluth on Lake Superior. And a nice, large home he owned near Lake Calhoun. …She’s his daughter. If she’s his biological daughter you don’t know that because he cared about her not the opposite. …He put her, when she was a newborn if she’s his biological daughter, to sleep many times…as an old man. With a great deal of patience and love. He was not necessarily a bad man. …But Lacey…is not…like Jackie. …Jackie actually was a real snob sometimes. She certainly was to me. …And it wasn’t just jealousy over Jack. No, she genuinely looked down on me for my family’s lack of wealth. …Our pedigree mattered to her and may have even threatened her ego…but she didn’t have respect for me because I wasn’t rich enough on my own. Hard work meant something to her…but only if you were already impressive or I guess…if you made enough money. …Alright? …She’d have been suspicious of Lacey…but…she’d have met her in Chanel or Dior or something nice. Lacey actually does have great taste. And…she’d have been nicer to Lacey than she was to me. Basically…she was classist. You accuse Lacey of other people’s sins often.

Jackie also wasn’t as brilliant as Lacey. Not really. …Nor as genuinely intellectual. Or as…loving. Or sensitive. Or good. …Jackie was a bit of a real Mean Girl. ‘The Crown’ captured that well. She was an absolute asshole at times. To lots of people! Me included. …And…again, I just didn’t feel the need…to…do something necessarily to the same degree I would have with a woman like my sister. Or my wife. ….I cared. A lot. But…I had reasons and I felt scared.” says Lem.

“So you didn’t like Jackie.” says a bisexual woman.

“No! …I didn’t like Jackie.” says Lem. “I cared! But I didn’t like her all that much.”

“Who did you like?” asks a bisexual man.

“Who did I really like? Or who did I pretend to really like?” says Lem. “I got along with most Kennedy sisters very well. …But it was mostly because I was thought of as gay and sensitive. …I’d not have been accepted by any of them if Lacey had been there. …I’m sorry but they were not attractive women. And I didn’t want to sleep with them. …But because they didn’t take it personally…I could be mistaken as being a fun guy. I was a man. A big man. So they felt safe. …But they weren’t afraid to use drugs…or get drunk…or swear…around me either. And I was caring. Very loving. So…all the sisters took to me. Quickly. They saw me as a big teddy bear.

I didn’t really like anyone.” says Lem.

“Who did you hate the most?” asks a lesbian.

“Jack. …Rose. …I use to think I liked Joe Junior. I can’t stand him now. …Maybe my opinion on him is and was complicated. I used to think he was a lot wiser than I do now. …I loathe Eunice now. …Ethel.” says Lem. “See…they assumed I was gay. Mostly. Something tells me Ethel knew otherwise. …But…I got away with so much! …They knew I was straight. But…they assumed I made the choice to be gay…or that…Jack had made me gay. With his sexual magnetism and Kennedy superiority…or something. …Honestly…it amazes me they trusted me with Lacey. Because on a certain level they both really knew I was straight based on afterlife knowledge from God…and they were…bizarrely unaware. …Joe never seemed scared I was going to permanently steal her from him.

He talked to her subconscious frequently. …And I think he just…never thought I was a threat. …It’s both funny and sad…but they’d have left us alone together a lot. And it wouldn’t have taken more than a day or two and we’d have been together.

You know…let’s say we did leave together. Lacey and I. In…1940. And I didn’t fight. I had two kids! And I felt guilty. But…not enough to risk my life and leave her and my kids alone. I’d have found some way to get involved! …And we had a nice apartment in Manhattan. A cute place in the countryside. …My sons went to the University of Pennsylvania and Princeton. My daughter went to Swarthmore. My grandson went to Princeton too. …Everyone loved us. We were known. Woody Allen even based a film on us. Well…we weren’t the main characters. But we were necessary. …Jackie Kennedy…would still have snubbed us.

And we would have hardly cared. …But Jackie tried to snub QUEEN ELIZABETH! …She had the ego to try to threaten the Queen of England! …You know…I did care. I hated that Jack abused her. …I hated giving him sexual contact before she ever arrived-“ says Lem.

“Then why did you let them take photos of your asshole!?” says a lesbian.

“Because they threatened me. …And I didn’t think it was that big of a deal. …I thought it was gross…but I felt pressured into doing it. The photos were Jack’s idea. And he thought they were hilarious. The idea was to be rebellious. …In a sense we were making fun of our school using references to homosexuality (mine wasn’t real). But…I also thought it was to make fun of homosexuality itself. And you know…it wasn’t. But I didn’t realize that until I was a lot older.” says Lem.

“Why did that matter?” asks a gay man.

“Because I was…hurting Jack. Physically. I was big. And he carried me around. On his shoulders. …And I thought it was funny to hurt him. Because, as I’ve said, I hated him a little right from the start. …But you know…he was trying to…woo me. …And after what I’ve been through with Lacey…I have a new found empathy for the sort of vulnerability men experience when they’re trying to impress people in a sexual or romantic way. …I think he missed how much I hated him…because I went too far. …It’s the difference between being just hurtful enough to hurt someone…and being so mean…they wonder if you really mean it. …I should have just punched him in the face. And then made a joke out of it. …Because he was narcissistic enough to go for it. But at the time I thought that was too mean. And I thought it was a lot funnier to make him carry me. …But he enjoyed it. And…the fact of the matter is…it was too much rejection. I was bitterly mocking his entire being.” says Lem.

Jazz Suite No. 2 plays.

“Would you have let Jack carry you?” Lacey asks Emperor Constantine.

“NO!” he says. “I’d have killed him. I’d never have let someone threaten me. …Even if I believed I was homosexual.”

Lacey relates to that.

“Why did you let him threaten you?” she asks Lem.

“Because I felt he was…to be left alone. Human. And I-I now sound like Emperor Constantine reincarnated and brainwashed. …And that’s a shame. Because there might not be reincarnation.” says Lem. “Essentially though…I was far too…good.”

“Are we going to die?” asks Lacey.

“How!??” yells Tsar Putin.

Lacey thinks. “They start bombing Moscow.

China attacks. Taiwan.

The bombing Russia worsens.

North Korea uses a nuclear weapon.

And Joe Biden being a complete idiot sees this as a personal attack on him. As do all of the other narcissistic buffoons running the Western Illuminati right now.

*Elliott Roosevelt laughs*

So Joe Biden nukes Moscow. But only after Putin nukes Washington D.C., New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, Kansas City, Texas, Florida…and preferably Saint Paul, Minnesota-“ says Lacey.

“Of course I’d do that for you!” says Putin. “As a parting gift of hope for anyone who survived. Why not!?” he says, smiling.

“Could you all really nuke Kansas City?” says a U.S. official who genuinely doesn’t know.

“What happened to US intelligence?” asks Lem Billings.

“I’ve wondered that too.” says Lacey.

“YES!!” says China.

“They could. You have no idea.” says Brazil.

Joe Biden looks shocked and confused. “Long range!? Or what!?” he says.

The song starts over. Waltz II.

As played this time by Concertgebouw Orchestra Amsterdam.

“We have hidden resources. Within the US. And yes, long range nuclear weapons at our instant disposal.” says China.

“DUH!!” says Lacey. “DUH!!!”

“How have we not known!?” says someone.

“The Mall of America was owned by a Japanese company for a while right? Decades ago?” says Lacey.

“Yes.” says a Minnesotan.

“Doesn’t that seem rather…opportune? How many places are owned or were owned by Asian companies? Within the US? During the Clinton Administration they could have easily snuck it in!” says Lacey. “They’re not that big!!”

“They could easily be hiding. America is so broke! …-“ says Lacey.

“You would guess they’re here!?” says the US military to Lacey.

“YES!!” says Lacey, smiling.

“WHERE!?” says the US military.

“Oh goodness! …The Mall of America itself could have several.” says Lacey.

Putin nods.

“Ready to launch??” says the US.

“YUP! …How thoroughly do you examine everything?” says Lacey.

“Damn. No. She’s right.” says West Point.

“The real question is…when and how to use them.” says a Russian billionaire.

“Yup! I agree!” says Donald Trump.

“Not so fast!” says Joe Biden to Russia. “I’ve got you just where I want you!”

“What’s that?” says Germany.

Joe Biden laughs.

Germany stares at him.

“I said, ‘THEY’RE TOAST!’” says Joe, laughing.

“Huh.” says Germany, scared. It laughs with Joe Biden to humor him.

“