“Explain!”

“Your wealth…came from Mark.” says Casi. “You cannot tell me…you would have been wealthy without him.”

“Casi. Is this what you think now or what you thought before?” asks a dead British woman.

Casi thinks.

“What I think now? Sort of.” says Casi.

“How can you possibly still think this?” says Lem.

“Because! He’s the one making $170,000 a year.” says Casi.

“That’s not how social class really works.” says Vladimir Putin.

“I agree.” says Vladimir Lenin.

“Okay.

But see…what really would have happened if she’d not married Mark?” says a Canadian woman who hated Lacey in the perfume community.

“Okay! SO I WILL EXPLAIN!!” yells Vladimir Lenin.

A Beautiful Mine by RJD2 plays.

The song plays.

The song plays.

2:37

“Alright.

There ARE SOCIAL CLASSES. …They emerged over time. IT IS THE NATURE OF HUMANITY!!

And I believed it was historically inevitable for them to not evolve further into a utopia.

4:51

It was my dream…to see…Russia…and the whole world…become one beautiful place. A free world. Where we were free from the restraints of ‘the rich.’ Their evil oppression.

Chase Me by Hexstatic plays.

Lacey is…my friend! I ADORE HER. *He laughs.* YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND HER!!! AT ALL.

1:58

Nope. You are CONFUSED!

Except…I begrudgingly like Vladimir Putin too.

Lacey refuses to be owned. Possessed by God? Sure. Easy. Possessed by Lem? Of course! …But in love. Possession is the wrong word. But I’m speaking to people in 2024. And to them possession is…to be loved.

The song ends.

Cantaloupe Island by Herbie Hancock plays.

Lem Billings was straight.

Lacey wants to let him fuck her. But she thinks…because you have women fucking men…that she wants to fuck him. You have her all confused.

Her husband…does make more money than most people. And he could easily make a lot more. But! How? Social class!

You see…he was raised to make a lot of money by a father who’s a wealthy man. In genuine scientific studies we can say he’s part of the 1%. He makes well over $400,000.00 a year. And he’s made at least $350,000.00 for decades. And he’s invested it. He’s not a movie-star. He’s a financier. But…if you add it all up…he’s wealthier than a lot of famous people. Like Chris Hayes. And he’s certainly wealthier than Erin. GOOD GOD!!

Why does that man’s wealth matter? Because he’s Mark’s FATHER!! …Humans require nuclear families. That’s common sense! …We can’t obliterate it. …We can’t force Jesus to come back either. …But what we can do…is deal with these harsh realities with integrity and intelligence.

So…when you accept REALITY…you can see that Mark’s father’s wealth makes a difference. He raised Mark. Casi you believe the way a person is raised matters?” says Vladimir Lenin.

“Yes.” she admits, begrudgingly.

“Good! I’m glad you actually accept that.” says Vladimir Lenin. “So you see…Mark’s dad…secured a place in the upper middle class for Mark. For his entire life. Based on how he raised Mark.

And Lacey’s great, great, great, great grandfather in Norway who was a very prestigious silversmith secured a place for her…in the lower echelons of the world aristocracy. Not the upper middle class. WORLD ARISTOCRACY.

*He laughs with Lacey.*

It’s that simple.

How did her great, great, great, great grandfather do it? He dominated the conversation. Like Don Draper. And he still does. Matt Nesheim couldn’t psychologically handle fighting in the US military because he was too well-bred.

Take Ten by Paul Desmond plays.

Lacey will be with Michael. Sure! Lacey will be with Harold Loeb. …They’re perfect for each other. But not as extraordinary as her and Lem Billings. God is…amazing.

*He smiles.*

Russians are romantics.

We are BEAUTIFUL.

Harold follows her. He follows her mind. It’s no coincidence she doesn’t photograph well. It is a spiritual attack but JFK and his dim witted sisters who hate her because she’s so much prettier than them…had it easy. They had it EASY. …Both her and Zelda are…extremely hard to photograph by nature. She’d be a wonderful addition in Paris. When they all meet up for old time’s sake. Scott and Zelda love her. She gets along with Dali. Her and Hemingway are close. And the other night Harold was used by Reta to warn Lacey about a dead mouse in her bedroom. He moved a curtain. Windows closed. Up and down. Near the mouse. …But she is with Lem.

Still, I say that to explain her. You don’t understand her. You keep butchering her in your head. It’s gross.

Harold and I are close.

Far More Blue by The Dave Brubeck Quartet plays.

Yes. Zelda admits Harold is rich. And she did always love that. To Scott. …And he’s a swell guy too.

But Lacey is with Lem.

Again, Lacey isn’t a gold-digger. She’s the great, great, great, great granddaughter of silversmiths. Rich, prestigious silversmiths. And she’s a romantic. Just like me. So…she can only easily fall in love with someone who she relates to. It’s simple. Easy psychology! …Harold is her knight in shining armor. Okay? He’s her…dream prince. Her ideal. But…no. Lem is best. He really is. Still…don’t underestimate Harold, because you…don’t seem to understand what best is anymore. Best is…BEST. There could still had real GOOD. And Harold and her are GOOD.

Incredible Odyssey by Danny Breaks plays.

Lem is God’s best. FOR LACEY!

And Louis and her are in love too. Very in love.

Still…Lem is best.

But trust. Harold and Michael…and- No! I’m sorry, Michael. I think Harold is better. I’m sorry.

…But trust…Harold…isn’t shabby. God is just…GOD.

So you see…

Oh! White Supremacists are angry? Then let them kiss Michael Rockefeller’s ASS! As HE SHITS IN THEIR FACES!!

Walking Home Through the Park by Aim plays.

There’s a dead British man who will be her husband. If necessary. He’s an aristocratic man. And he is Lem if there’s reincarnation. And they were married. Or he’s just…a dead aristocratic British man. He is…very handsome. Certainly straight. No one can say otherwise without being considered insane. Okay!??

GOOD GRIEF!

Oh he’s not her husband? Fine!! THERE IS NOT NECESSARILY REINCARNATION!

Okay. Let’s continue.

So…you see…

So…you see…Lacey was merely trying to find true love! That’s all.

Breathe by Télépopmusik plays.

This song is very dark…in regard to Lacey. It’s ironic. Not uplifting. It’s a horror story.

Just BELIEVE. Have…FAITH? HA! …But Christ knows.

You can’t destroy the entire class system using JFK torturing one saintly tragic aristocrat! It’s ABSURD!

Another day for the children? Being molested? Ha! Staring at the ceiling. You are FELONS!!! WAKE-UP!!! YOU SCUM!!! …YOU HAVE RUINED THE CLASS ARGUMENT!!! …KILL THE KIDS BEING SOLD IF YOU HAVE TO!!!

Nothing Gonna Change His Way by Urbs plays.

God is God. After all. Princes can’t save when only Christ can.

2:06

So you see…Lacey…wasn’t a gold-digger. She was just looking for love. And the only men who she found she could genuinely relate to were all and are all aristocratic. It’s that ordinary. And she’s that…innocent.” says Vladimir Lenin.

“Man! So…we just don’t like her?” says Chris Hayes.

“Yes, Chris. …Or we like her. But…we don’t love her. She’s tried dating many middle class men. They just don’t want her!” says Vladimir Lenin.

“Why?” asks Chris.

“It’s very complicated. But…they don’t. No! She’s innocent! Really. And actually…Men like Scott…and Harold…and…Lem…can’t love people who aren’t like her. They just can’t. …Louis can. Although he understands why they can’t. …The dead British aristocrat feels he’s…unsure. And he’s right. He may be able to. But he’s pushing it by marrying a silversmith’s daughter, so to speak. She’s possibly as lowly as he could truly love. He’s being honest.” says Vladimir Lenin. “Harold was American. Scott grew-up in a row-house in Saint Paul. Lem was from Pittsburgh. They’re upper class but not like this dead British aristocrat. He’s…distantly related to ahh…Queen Victoria. And Queen Anne. Not that distant.

He’s not- He’s in a higher rank than Lem would have been. And…being from the 1800’s…he’s not…sure…if he could handle someone with less in common than him…than Lacey. …She’s as…socially exotic as he can manage. Which is not all that exotic.” says Vladimir Lenin.

“I didn’t realize how annoying that was.” says Joe Kennedy Junior. “I get it!”

“You find Athalia less annoying?” says Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“YES! …WOW! YES! Bobby…it’s real. …Athalia and I had a lot more in common. …You were raised upper middle class old money. If such a thing exists. And…maybe you relate better to women from the upper middle class old money. There are a lot of American families who are upper middle class and have been for generations now. We are our own subculture! …And Athalia was a part of that! We just ‘get’ each other. …I don’t understand Lacey and Lem! Not like that! You don’t either!” says Joe Kennedy Junior.

“Am I a part of that?” asks Rashida Jones.

“YES!!” says Vladimir Lenin. “You are upper middle class old money.”

Caravan by Thelonious Monk plays.

“So we can be super rich?” says Rashida.

“Yes!! …You can. It’s an American thing, mostly.” says Vladimir Lenin. “You caste Lem as that. And he’s not…”

The song plays.

“In America Lem was upper class! Or ALL of America with no ties to European aristocracy is poor. Including the Kennedys. Lacey would become the…lowest echelon of the aristocracy but even the Rockefellers would be peasants…if you can’t accept that Lem is OLD MONEY. Okay!? …And actually…they have ties to European royalty. But…I say that they are AMERICAN OLD MONEY! They are proof that social class can change for a family over time.” says Vladimir Lenin.

Paradise Circus by Massive Attack plays.

“No!! Lem is not her lower class exception!” says Vladimir Lenin, arguing with someone. “No! He’s OLD MONEY. Or the Rockefellers are peasants.”

The Kennedys dead and alive can’t handle that Lem Billings wasn’t attracted to men.

“JP Kennedy…destroyed Lacey’s ability to love him!” explains the dead British aristocrat. Not Lem. “She could have really loved him. And it would have been…monumental. But he completely ruined it. Forever.”

“And he still can’t get over it.” says Cynthia Spencer.

The song ends.

“Love isn’t a sin. Not real love. Ever.” says the dead British aristocrat. “But…she will never love you again.” he says to JP Kennedy. “C’est impossible.”

“SO!” says Vladimir Lenin.

Casi laughs.

“So…let’s see.

Ahh…yes. Lacey is stuck falling in love with upper class men. Men like Lem. And because she worships and follows Christ…it’s for the best. …Yes. You can criticize her for talking to the dead the way she does. But be careful. Watch A Portrait of Jennie. REALLY!

I’m not a hallucination.

I’m not a demon.

I’m thee actual Vladimir Lenin.

And no…she’s not conjuring me. She’s living through an absolute nightmare!” says Lenin.

“So I was supposed to reject and confuse her?” says Jonah Wiley.

“YES!!!” screams Elsie Hill. “DUH!!”

“Well…yes. But there were some people who also believed you might actually hit it off with her. They were wrong. …But it’s not a simple thing.” says Lenin. “Still there were some who were just trying to harm her with you.”

Silence.

The Things You Won’t See by Oskar Kappland & Shoshana Michel plays.

“You see…Lacey wasn’t a gold-digger, Casi. She just wasn’t.

You had that wrong.

No. What happened…is that she’s a ditz. Okay? Ha! We are all human. Even a woman who could have started a glorious nation like Scotland.

1:47

She is a genius. Yes. But also a ditz.

No. Not stupid. A ditz.

So…you read her for her lies? Like she’s JFK? Huh. …But she’s not him. At all. And you deeply hurt her by accusing her. …She’s already trying so damn hard to be BRUTALLY HONEST. …Just to be loving. Like Christ.

She’s not lying. Casi…SHE ISN’T LYING. She’s just a ditz.

So…you see…she is offensive. Right!? But…not out of cruelty. Quite the opposite! And it’s a real tragedy, Casi.

You described yourself as not being heartless. I heard you. I saw you! Is that even true? …Because this is a real tragedy, Casi.

The evil is forcing her into the arms of…old British aristocrats…who CONQUERED THE WORLD, CASI!!! COLONIALISTS!!! JUST TO BREATHE!!! Just to protect her children from harm. WAKE-UP!!!

She stood for righteousness. She stood for Christ. Bravely! You should not have abandoned her! …No! The Spencers aren’t bad! They’re good people at times. But…what about US!?? What about the Kingdom of Heaven on EARTH? …Casi! It was up to US to make a difference! We were supposed to be her help! We were supposed to give her wisdom! We were supposed to help!! …Lem isn’t pure evil. Neither is the actual dead British aristocrat! They just don’t see OUR PERSPECTIVE!!!” yells Lenin.

Later.

“What would have happened?

Okay.

Lacey would have gone back to school. At St. Scholastica.

Not Aberystwyth.

Finished a degree in Social Work. And then a masters. Because you have to.

And then she would have worked as a-“ says Lenin. “No! Forget that.

She would have finished a degree in Art History. At UND. In two years. Graduated with a decent GPA. …Worked. At coffee shops.

Her father who raised her would have felt bad for her. Given her $50,000.00. She would have used it to pay off her student loans. He would have heard that. Given her $100,000.00 more. She would have then paid off all of her student loans. And had an art history degree.” says Vladimir Lenin.

A man in his 70’s laughs. He works at an antique store in Red Wing, Minnesota. “SHE COULD WORK HERE!” he says.

“I’m just curious. Do people think you’re a homosexual?” asks a woman in the Illuminati of him. 

“Yes, sometimes they do but I’m not.” he says.

“Anyway…she’d have gone on to receive her masters and doctorate from the University of North Dakota. Or…the University of Minnesota. We aren’t sure. Her father who raised her would have given her another $200,000.00 to help. And she would have had no debt. And a doctorate in Art History. By age 30. So…she would have done work with art restoration. By choice. And then eventually…been hired by the Minneapolis Institute of Arts. By age 35. …And…been extremely suicidal. Extremely lonely.

And…started talking to ghosts in her old condo by age 40. Yes. She would have owned a condo worth $600,000.00. On her own! Because she would have made $50,000 a year. No debt. And her father who raised her would have given her another $50,000.00 she would have used as a down payment. Her condo would have been worth…$300,000.00 when she bought it. At a low interest rate. In 2013? Or no! 2015!” says Lenin.

“So that! Except $150,000.00 less because it’s smaller.” says Lenin. “But just as nice.”

“So she’d be working at the Minneapolis Institute of Arts? Making $50,000.00 a year. With no debt? Just her house?” asks Casi.

“And a doctorate. Yep! She’d be suddenly extremely frugal. Because she’d have given up on being loved. By men. Part of her spending was just to look pretty. …So if she’d stopped caring…because she gave up…she’d be very suicidal. But she’d spend a lot less. …But she’d be worth about $400,000.00. No debt. By age 40. Drive a reliable Volvo.

She’d own it. Her dad who raised would have helped her buy it. And yes, he’d have remarried. A woman.

Yes! Yellow and cream. She lives in that color combination.

By age 50 she’d be dead. Over drinking. Or some related accident. But she’d be worth $2,000,000.00.” says Vladimir Lenin. “She’d have tried to enjoy investing in the Stock Market in her 40’s. To feel less lonely.”

“Making how much!?” says Casi.

“$70,000.00 by her mid 40’s.” says Lenin.

“And yet she owns most of a $600,000.00 historic condo?” asks Casi.

“YES!” says Lenin.

“All by 46!” says Harold Loeb.

“Why can’t see find someone?” says Alison Roberts.

“Because of US!” says Harold Loeb. “You might not believe that now. But when you die…you’ll understand!”

“Who she fuck?” asks a Black woman, of Harold Loeb.

“Me. …Lem.” says Harold.

“Does she know that…in this scenario?” asks a Black man.

“Yes and no. She’s a Hemingway fan. So…she’d have sort of known about me.” says Harold.

“And me. I’ve been talking to her subconscious for years. …So me too.” says Louis Hill Junior.

“And some of that art…was your grandfather’s art!” says Anderson Cooper.

“Yes!!” says Louis.

“Why does she end up dead!?” says another Black woman.

“Me!!!” says F. Scott Fitzgerald, laughing. “ME!!”

“And my perfume collection?” asks Lacey.

“Chanel No. 5. Shalimar. Narcisse Noir. Mitsouko. L’Heure Bleue. …Prada Candy Kiss.” says Lenin.

“Would she have joined the perfume community?” asks Mr. Cologne 76.

“Yes! But you’d have barely noticed her.” says Lenin.

“Would I have noticed her?” says Casi.

“Mmm…

Would you have noticed this woman? In this house:

Driving a new Volvo SUV.

Who was an art historian?

With a few of these sort of things:

Or no? She’s not writing a blog at all!” says Lenin. “Just collecting…$5,000 of perfume. Total.”

“No.” says Casi. “I’d have liked a few posts. That’s all.”

“Yes. …And she’d never have followed you.” says Lenin.

“How much does she weigh?” asks a pedophile in the Illuminati.

“130. Ever. At most.” says Lenin.

“What skincare does she use?” asks a gay Belgian man.

“Dr. Hauschka. Always.” he says.

“What’s her schedule like?” asks Anderson Cooper.

“She wakes up at 5:30 AM. Is asleep by 9:30. Ever since breaking-up with Mark. Exercises a bit. Drinks her hot lemon water and wheatgrass. Has her oatmeal. Then has an espresso. Prays. Drives to work. Works until 7. By choice. Gets along with everyone. Goes home. Has dinner. Watches television. Cries. Considers suicide. Cries. Accidentally thinks of Lem. Prays. Goes to sleep.” says Lenin.

“How nice!” says a witch, sarcastically.

“So! She’s Old Money upper class. …How is she not!?” says Lenin to Casi.

“So it’s not just income?” says Casi.

“Yup!” says Lenin.

“What if she didn’t die?” says Casi.

“She’d be worth $5 million. By age 60.” says Lenin. “Or $10 million.”

“Wow! Okay. So…they’re in the lower echelons of the world aristocracy!” says Aromablog. “Why these specific fragrances?”

“She’s an art historian. Those are masterpieces. The absolute bests.” says Lenin.

“Really?” says Aromablog.

“Yes! …According to most accounts by most experts, Ekaterina. Yes!” says Lenin.

“Would we hate her?” asks Marsie.

“You’d never have known of her! …Ekaterina…would have. And she’d have hated her. Bitterness. Jealousy. Lacey is extremely beautiful. Unusually intelligent. And it’d have been obvious she came from actual Old Money. So…she’d have openly hated Lacey. But…she’d have also respected her opinion. Because of her hard work and actual obvious prestige. Her doctorate in art history. So…she’d have been nice enough. …And that’s all.” says Lenin.

“And she’s this hot or HOTTER?” says Casi.

“Yes!! Hotter!” says Lenin.

“How is she not married to a billionaire?” jokes a billionaire.

“Well…that’s just not her thing.” says Lenin.

“Do we discover her in this scenario?” asks Chris Hayes.

“No!” says Lenin.

“And she just dies alone? Extremely hot?” says a Millennial man.

“Yup! In some weird drunken accident. Possibly in Europe.” says Lenin.

“Does Diana die?” asks the Earl of Spencer.

“Diana HAD to die. For this NOT to happen.” says Lenin. “Whether there’s reincarnation or not.”

A woman laughs.

“So how is she a slutty gold-digger?” says Lenin.

“She’s NOT!” says Chris.

“I do not understand!” says Allison Roberts.

“She’s very complicated!” says Lenin. “VERY! And men have even less tolerance for that than women. Especially straight men. Bisexual men are fascinated, slightly. But she’s very complicated. …So…men would fuck her. So to speak. But not marry her. Not most. …Not men alive today. …Maybe in the past she wasn’t so complicated. …But today she is! So…because she’s not a slutty gold-digger…men today don’t bother.

So…she’s not…fun. To them! I guess. Or something. …To Lem she’s…beyond words. But to men today…she’s too much work.” says Lenin. “For a wife.”

“What about Matthew?” asks a reader.

“Oh! Well…he’d have been more careful. Because she’s hot. Not married. And straight.” says Lenin. “He’d have not…even thought of her. He might still be dead.”

“What fun!!” says John Ritter. “Well! I hope you get a clue!” he says to the perfume community. “Lacey has things to do!”

Later.

“So. She’s hotter than me?! Or anyone in my family!?” says Jack.

“YES!!” says Harold Loeb.

A song from the 1890’s plays. “MY GOD YES!!!” he says.

Later.

“So…this is basically what she looks like?” says a reader.

“Minus the Fraxel, minor weight loss, and lip injections. YES!” says Harold. “Close!” He thinks. “She has a more perfect, small forehead. But the camera prefers this.”

“Okay! So…what if…they hadn’t drilled the Baaken!?” says a woman.

“You know…that’s actually a somewhat absurd question. Believe it or not. Because they were bound to. …But…we can try that!” says Harold.

Lenin rolls his eyes.

“We have to go backwards!” he says. “To 2008!”

“Okay.” says a woman.

“Okay! So! In Fall of 2008…she studies Russia. Pisses off Chris Dodds. Because she outsmarts him in class. The Russian Politics Class. Then…she…goes home. Is sad. Goes back…doesn’t date Chris. He was really just impressed by her DKNY red trench and new eyeglasses. Otherwise he would have been just pissed-off. And hated her. He mistook her good taste for stupidity he could relate to.

Then in 2009…she graduates. Or so. Maybe Fall of 2010. With a Politics Degree. From Messiah College now Messiah University. …She…decides to go to law school. As planned. And then does so. She goes to the University of Georgia School of Law. With an LSAT score of 160. Or more. Possibly 165? She’s actually very smart. And she was doing badly. So 160 is her bare minimum. At her worst. No assistance. Not much studying. Her best in the 170’s.

She loves it. Works hard. Does well. Graduates with a decent GPA. …Stays in Georgia. …Gradually pays off her loans.

B Makes about $73,000.00 a year. By age 29 or so. Maybe age 30. As a lawyer. She marries a jerk. Or dates one. He’s worth $300,000.00 and is a doctor. Older. In his 50’s. A real spendthrift. With rich parents. In Georgia. He makes $300,000.00 a year. …If she doesn’t marry him…and…she doesn’t…THANK GOD…she’s suicidal. Of course. Worth…$$40,000.00 by age 40. Works hard. Makes $140,000.00 a year. Takes vacations. Saves some. Is still paying off her loans. Lives in a luxury apartment. Wears…Delina. Rarely. Did wear Chance by Chanel.

By age 50 she’s worth $400,000.00. Still just rents. Has paid off her student loans. Makes $250,000.00.” says Lenin. “And if she’s alive by 60 she’s worth $3,000,000.00. Still renting.”

“Does she join the perfume community?” asks a hater.

“NO!” says Lenin.

“Does she live?” asks a hater.

“No! She’s dead by 50.” says Lenin.

“Why Delina?” asks Mr. Cologne 76.

“She’s got great taste! And in this scenario she still likes it because it has no bad scent memories attached to it. With the notes.” says Lenin.

“Why the University of Georgia?” asks a perfume reader.

“She liked southern law schools.” says Lenin.

“Why doesn’t she marry that doctor?” asks Mr. Cologne 76.

“Because he’s a player. And…his parent’s $4 million he’s inheriting didn’t turn her head.” says Lenin.

“Are they Old Money?” asks a reader.

“Yes.” says Lenin.

“What kind of law?” asks Mr. Cologne 76.

“Land use?” says Lenin. “Something to do with land use?”

“Huh.

So…she’s worth $3 million. By 60?” says an economist.

“Yup. In todays money, so to speak.” says Lenin.

“Making $250,000.00 in today’s money. By age 50? In Georgia?” says her legal father-in-law.

“Yes!” says Lenin.

“How does she die?” asks Becca.

“Drinking.” says Scott. “In Europe.”

“Could she have gotten into Harvard?” asks Caroline Kennedy.

“YES! Her brain on its own? Yes! She’s capable of almost getting a 180.” days Lenin.

“Could she ace her SAT?” asks Krystal.

“Like you? No. But she could do exceptionally well.” says Lenin.

“How well?” asks Michelle Obama.

“High 1500’s.” says Lenin.

Silence.

“So is that upper class Old Money?” asks Casi.

Ekaterina glares at Casi. Annoyed.

Jonah Wiley cracks up laughing. “Oh wow!” he says.

“Yes. Her reputable law school degree, Messiah College degree, and background combined…is more than enough. But combined with her salary at age 40? Yes! By now she’s making $140,000 or more. Single. In Georgia. With basically almost no debt.” says Lenin.

“Is $140,000 as a lawyer Old Money?” seriously asks Casi, doubting Lenin’s analysis.

“YES!! For a sexy woman? YES!” says a man in Georgia in the afterlife who would have hired her. “To be blunt…she’d piss too many men off. Trying to make more. And she’d piss off too many women. And…to be honest…she’s well-bred…and a ditz.” He thinks. “Men take her seriously because she’s so Christian. And so nice. And so well-bred. …But they’d not take her seriously otherwise. She’s like Pamela Anderson, sweetie. You ain’t! Okay? Some women…just radiate sex. Even if they’re geniuses. And they’re better off getting married. And she’s one of them.”

“So! Why can’t men take her seriously?” asks Jonah Wiley.

“Honey! You watch. Porn. …You really don’t get it!??” says the man.

“I’d take Pamela Anderson seriously.” says Jonah Wiley.

“Okay. Well…lots of men…do not. Not in an office setting. …And it ain’t about how smart they are. …It’s…men are still used to running things. Not being cads like Jack Kennedy! …No! I’m talking about running the world! …And seeing a woman who looks like this:

Well…you just wanna laugh! But you don’t. Because she’s following Christ! Okay!? …She’s not trying to be sexy! She just is! And she’s damn serious!

But if she looked like this?

With some slutty clothes? And thick eyelashes? COME ON! Big boobs!? COME ON! …GROW-UP!” he says.

“Casi. Some women are just bitter? And stupid!” says Ekaterina, mocking Casi. “I bet Lacey is so jealous of you!!!”

“Yeah! Jonah. Do you find…Pamela Anderson attractive? Or not?” says a man.

“I mean…yeah??? …She’s not my type. But…I guess?” he says.

“Huh. So she’d be doing well to be with YOU?” says the lawyer from Georgia.

“I mean-“ says Jonah, defensively, getting angry.

“So a 6 foot…handsome footballer…could get her. And he’d be proud. But…you think you…are out of her league!?” he says.

“No.

I mean…it’s just…he’s…

I’m a-

I’m looking for…substance.” says Jonah.

“Lacey is really Old Money?” says Casi.

“Pamela is actually a really deep person. For real!” says Harvard. “But I have to say that carefully. Because she makes her millions from people not knowing that.”

“Yes! Even without her oil.” says the CIA.

“What if…she decided not to go to law school!?” says Casi.

Lenin thinks. “She has a real heart to heart! With her college French teacher. He tells her to not got to law school. …So…she…majors in art history at Messiah College. Graduates in 2010. In the Fall.

Does she have oil?” asks Lenin.

“No!” says Casi.

“Okay.

Then she goes home.

Works. …As…retail worker. At Nordstrom’s. Full time.

Then she realizes she should get more in debt. So she takes out a loan. Works. For the first year. Part time. At Nordstrom’s.

Graduates with a masters in Art History. Gets more in debt by graduating with a doctorate. From a prestigious school in London. …Works very hard! Manages to get an internship with Sotheby’s. Works hard at Sotheby’s. Is able to make $80,000.00 by age 32. At Sotheby’s. Works hard. Makes $150,000.00 by 37. $200,000. by age 40. At least.

Does she date? Mmm…not much? And she’s suicidal. …So she dies by 45. Drinking in France. It’s an accident.” says Lenin. “She’s worth $40,000.00 when she dies.”

“But with a doctorate!?” says Casi.

“Yes! From Kings College!” says Dr. Moritz. “That’s my school!”

“So! She’s worth $40,000.00! BUT she without oil…still graduates with a PhD from Kings College. And…works at Sotheby’s!?” says Erin.

“Yup.” says Lenin. “If she’d lived to 60 she’d have been worth $10 million. She gets married to man who insists they marry. Just because. He’s very eccentric. And they aren’t in love. But they’re good friends.

She meets him at Sotheby’s.” says Lenin.

“But even without her millions…she’s still Old Money?” says Casi.

“Yup!” says Lenin. “She’d be worth $200,000.00 at 60 without marriage.”

“That’s not upper class?” says Casi.

“She lives in LONDON. Making $250,000.00 a year! Do you have any idea how expensive London is?!?” says Lenin.

“Okay.” says Casi.

“She is Old Money. Kings College. Sotheby’s? Casi! With her background both socioeconomically and in general it’s proof. Okay?” says Lenin.

“Yah. Makes sense!” says Dr. Moritz. “It’s a good school.”

Later.

“So…what if she didn’t major in art history? No oil. No law school!” says another perfume hater.

“She’d major in history. Graduate in 2009. In the spring. Go to UND. Get her doctorate in England. Focus on Russia. Work for the US. Marry Putin.” says Lenin.

Lenin laughs.

“Why aren’t the oil companies drilling in the Baaken?” says Lenin.

A Native American woman laughs with Lenin.

“It’s IMPOSSIBLE.” explains the CIA.

“What if her family hadn’t lived in North Dakota?” says a desperate perfume hater.

“Then she’d have been born in Heaven.” says Gunhild. “But I’m still the descendant of silversmiths.”

Awkward pause.

“Oh! I’ll go!” says a heroin addict perfume collector who died and was celebrated by the perfume industry and community for “his great light.

Awkward pause.

“What if…she…had gone to Joel’s fraternity that night?” he says.

“Oh! That’s a nice one.” says Lacey. “But what makes me go?”

He thinks. “Ahh…God prompts him to say, ‘I’ll make you a decent cup of tea.’”

“Oh! Clever!” says Lacey.

“Okay.

I’m going to just repeat myself. Do you still want to know?” says Lenin.

“YES!” he says.

“They make-out. …Get married in about two years. He goes to law school. Makes $150,000 by age 35. She inherits $300,000. They’re worth $1,000,000.00 by age 38. No debt. $4 million by age 50. $6 million by age 60. …They’re happy. Enough.” says Lenin. “They aren’t together for eternity.”

“What if she became a teacher!?” says Casi.

“You know. That was a nice break. …I can see why we liked you.” says Mr. Cologne 76 to the dead heroin addict perfume collector.

Awkward, annoyed sounds.

“She…marries Matt!??” says Lenin, confused. “Okay? It seems that’s the only way she becomes a teacher.”

“Yup! And I’m worth $10 million by age 50.” says Matt.

“She’s still Old Money. Just married to her fake second cousin.” says the dead heroin addict perfume collector.

“What does she teach?” asks Casi.

“The fifth grade. For five years. Before she has our three kids.” says Matt.

“Dammit. She’s not getting my point!” yells Casi.

“What if…she ate lead as a child!” says Casi.

“Impossible.” says Lenin. “And she has to be smart.”

“What if…she didn’t collect perfume?” says Casi.

“She was going to.” says Lem.

“What if…she…became a professor!” says Casi.

Lenin sighs. “Okay.

Two more!

She…becomes a professor of history. At…a school in Minnesota. The University of Minnesota. Specializing in 20th Century American history. She lives in an Art Deco building. In Saint Paul. Worth $600,000. And it’s essentially the same as if she was the art historian. But she lives in Saint Paul. And teaches at the U of M.” says Lenin.

“Okay.

What if…she doesn’t leave UND?” says Casi.

Lenin looks frustrated. “She goes to the alter with Joel or David Lennoye. And it’s likely she’s a millionaire.”

“What if…-“ says Casi.

“THIS IS YOUR LAST ONE!!” warns Lenin.

“What if…she’d…

What if…

What if you’re wrong!?” says Casi.

“The Holy Ghost is inspiring me.” says Lenin.

“Oh you’re dead. That’s right.

Umm…I guess…

*later*

SHE MEETS A MILLIONAIRE!” says Casi.

“Where?” says Lenin.

“On vacation!” says Casi. “In Paris.”

“Okay.

Ahh…

They get married? Unhappily. …She gets $40 million. He’s worth $400,000,000.00. …She lives in Minnesota. With her two kids. Loves to 83.” says Lenin.

“So…why does THAT give her a longer life!?” says Casi, like she’s caught them.

“Because. She has her own millions. And…her background. And…she has kids.” says Lenin. “And he’s leaving them alone.”

South Korea slow claps for Casi.

“Her social class doesn’t change. …But she’d be worth millions without working.” says Lenin. “And she’d have kids.”

“I don’t get it!” says Casi.

“Yeah. It’s complicated.

Tell you what: Ask me, ‘What if she chose not to work!?’” says Lenin.

“Without getting married!?” says Casi.

“BINGO!” says Lenin.

“What if she chose not to work…and never got married?” says Casi.

“Okay! …She volunteered. And lived with her mom. …Her dad gives her $300,000.00. She pays off her student loans. …Invests. And is worth $600,000.00 by now. Still not working. …Then she makes…another $500,000 investing again. By age 45. Is worth $2 million by age 60.” says Lenin.

“And is a published author!” says Matt Nesheim.

“What if…they don’t have the oil?” says Casi.

Lenin laughs. “Ahh…she gets into a car accident and is paralyzed. And dies by 40.” Her background doesn’t change.

“No! …I mean…if she chooses not to work.” says Casi.

“She has no reason to do that. That’s how she was raised. That’s her relationship with money.” says Lenin.

“Oh! So being a housewife is real with her?” says Jill Schiebel.

“YES!” says Lenin.

“What if she just chooses not to work!?” says Casi.

“Okay. …I’ll try to find some…reason.

*He desperately tries.*

Okay! …She works in Africa. As a missionary. Until age 30.

Comes home. Is emotionally exhausted-“ says Lenin.

“No!! She doesn’t work!!!” yells Casi.

“Like a rich person?” says Lenin.

“YES!! Like a REAL rich person!” says Casi.

“Okay!

This is IMPOSSIBLE! Given her family’s impossible lack of oil. But in a more absurd scenario!

…She doesn’t work.

Dreamer’s Path by James Quinn plays.

She inherits $10,000 from her father who raised her. By age 30. She volunteers. Does all the cooking and cleaning for her mother who raised her. Doesn’t go to college. Reads hundreds and hundreds of books. Thousands. Writes for fun.

A Beautiful Mine by RJD2 plays.

Her mother who raised her dies by age 71.

She inherits a few antiques.

She moves in with Matt and Kate. Helps him write.

Ahh…she just randomly lives in their basement. In their luxury house.

Her dad who raised her dies by 73.

She makes…$200,000 investing. Gives Matt and Kate $50,000.00 and they sell his books. And he becomes somewhat well known.

By age 60…she’s worth $700,000.00. From investing. For fun!

She lives in Matt and Kate’s garage house.

Publishes her own books. For fun.

Is worth $2 million by age 70. Umm…is dead…by 72. Drinking in Europe again.” says Lenin.

1:56

“She’s a good investor! Really!” says HB Nesheim.

“But that’s impossible. Casi the oil was going to be drilled. And without money to manage…she would always work. …She’s not…one to do nothing. Not really nothing. And…even if she did…she’s still a part of an Old Money family. And…you have them still working.” says Lenin.

“What if they don’t work?” says Casi.

This Is Not A Tango by The Juju Orchestra plays.

“So…Matt and Kate don’t marry. None of them do. Instead they all invest. And by age 30…they’re worth…$50 million.” says Lenin. “Colllectively. All living on the Nesheim farm.”

“They remodel. It becomes a $13 million estate. HUGE. 15 bedrooms. All added on to that original Nesheim house. Designed by Joni and Lacey. It’s stunning. …With wind and solar power. Self-sustaining. They finally marry by age 35. Are worth $10 million more. By age 40 are billionaires. Lacey and Matt and Krystal figure out how to make money off Bitcoin.

They’re billionaires by her age 40. We are fascinated by them? No. We don’t even know they exist.

Casi…we are that slow! “We” being the powers that be.

They’re BILLIONAIRES.” says Lenin.

“And they stay that way. They just keep building on the Nesheim land. Huge country houses. It becomes so posh…the Kennedy compound looks like army barracks by comparison.” says Lenin.

3:20

5:20

The song ends.

Grito Nocturno by El Percal plays.

“So!!” says Lenin.

“What if they can’t invest!??” says Casi.

“Okay…no working…and no oil?” says Lenin.

“YES!” says Casi.

Umbrella by Rihanna plays.

“They live off…their money. Collectively. Running the farm.

And are doing it for fun.

And are worth $20 million by Lacey’s 30th birthday. Not including the farm.

By her 40th…they’re worth $50 million. Accidentally investing. No intentional investing.” says Lenin.

Cake By The Ocean by DNCE plays.

“It’s ABSURD. Casi. It’s SOCIAL CLASS.” says Lenin. “They’re stuck around $70 million.”

“I named my daughter Astrid.” says Jan from The Office. “HITLER WAS NOT STUPID. Just evil and crazy.”

“So money just flies into Norway. Like it’s a magnet.” says Jonah.

“YIP! And stays there.” says Hitler.

“You’re talking to the real Vladimir Lenin.” says Lenin. “I’m disturbing.”

The song ends.

“What if Lacey wasn’t there??” says Casi.

Just Dance by Lady Gaga plays.

“They’re less healthy. And worth $20 million less. She’s a talented investor.” says Lenin. “And a quiet leader.”

The song ends.

Maneater by Nelly Furtado plays.

“Is Harold Loeb actually buried on Nesheim land if there’s reincarnation or was that just mythology?” asks the Illuminati.

“There is not reincarnation, or if there is then the answer is yes.” says Lenin.

“Yes, right near the mailbox.” says Orma Nesheim.

“Keep going Casi this is fun!” says Lem.

2:50

3:10

3:18

3:27

Michael Rockefeller lip-synchs.

4:00

The song ends.

It restarts.

“I’m not a cannibal.” says Lacey.

“Without-“ says Casi.

“WE ALL KNOW HOW TO BE RICH!” yells Bethany.

“Do me!” says David J..

“Okay?” says Casi.

“I’d die. Of cancer.” says David.

Alys laughs.

“Casi. Try again.” says Kelly Nesheim.

The song ends.

The song restarts.

“What if my parents had their upbringing?” says Casi.

“You’d have graduated from Bowling Green. With honors. …Become a drug addict weighing 140 lbs.. Sold…something like Mary Kay trying to be sober. …Worked on your something. CPA. Real estate license. …Made $300,000 in savings, etc. by age 45. Married at 46. To a nice guy. Been worth $3 million by age 60. No kids.” says Lenin.

“See! You too could be Old Money.” says Casi’s mother to Casi.

“Do me!!” says JD Vance.

“You go to Harvard! …Make millions in New York City. By age 40 are worth $30 million. Work for Donald Trump. Are not Vice President. Are married to someone like Usha. Are better looking and not a pedophile. …Are married. Ahh…that’s about it. You are very ambitious. But…you’d be better off.” says Lenin.

“Why am I not a billionaire?” asks JD Vance.

“Because you aren’t a billionaire. You aren’t capable of making that much money easily.” says Lenin. “GROW-UP.”

“Why?” says JD Vance, annoyed and hiding it.

“Because you can’t think that way. …You see wide views of everything. …You see what’s here now. Very clearly. …So with your hard work and dedication and determination and…a bit of what’s called luck…you have done extremely well! …But…to be a billionaire requires a sort of…knack for seeing what Lacey and her Nesheim family do. Or Bill Gates. They aren’t Vice President though. You are. …Does that make you uncomfortable?” says Lenin.

“Which part?” asks JD Vance.

“Ahh! Yes. Exactly.

…They just…see a different set of information.” says Lenin.

“Is it too complicated to quickly explain?” says JD Vance.

“Yes! Although I just tried.” says Lenin.

“ARE WE DONE!??” yells Lem.

“No. It’s debatable.” says Casi.

“NO IT IS NOT YOU FUCKING IDIOT!!!” yells Lem at Casi.

“That’s MEAN!!!” yells JFK.

“NO!!!! IT’S NOT!!!” bellows Lem.

“So you’re still in love with me!” says JFK, sincerely to Lem. “Did you hear that sexual tension in his voice!?”

“I DID!” says Casi,

“WHERE!??” yells God.

“It’s there?” says Erin.

“NO IT IS NOT!” yells God.

“Yeah. It’s there.” says Casi.

“No!!! It is NOT!!!!” bellows God.

Later.

“What if…I had been born into her family?” asks Casi.

“You’d have gone to NDSU. Majored in Engineering. Have no kids. …Be living in California. …Worth $2 million. At your age. Easily. …No husband. Tons of friends! …You’d be…happy. Distracted by your work. …Five feet 5. You’d be short. …Darker. But you’d look like yourself. Better looking. But not as good looking as Lacey or Linn. …Skinny. …A lot genuinely nicer. No mental health problems. No pain problems. …You’d be…you though. …A dog. A condo worth $1.2 million. Posh. Actually, quite posh. …You’d drive a…Jeep. That you’d had for years. …You’d be very into your Jeep. …And hiking.

You’d have climbed several mountains. Which you’d cheerful-brag about. …You’d not hate Lacey. You’d…think she was…sweet. And…quiet. And…that’s about it. You’d barely think of her at all. …Just she’d be…a random cousin. And you’d be scared by yourself as you are now.” says Lenin.

“How much does she make?” asks her mom.

“$190,000 a year or so.” says HB Nesheim.

“Does she ski?” asks Chris.

“Yes! And snowboard.” says Matt.

“Does she collect perfume?” says Erin.

“No!” says Matt. “But she wears a ton of patchouli and sandalwood oil.”

“And she had plastic surgery. On her nose. And on her ears. And on her hairline.” says Matt.

“No. That’s possible.” says Casi. “Where have I traveled to?”

“Nicaragua. Puerto Rico. Venezuela. …Peru. Brazil. …Trinidad. …Mozambique. …South Africa. Kenya. Egypt. Somalia…! Nepal. China. Japan. South Korea. Canada, of course. …Germany, Austria, The Czech Republic, Sweden, Finland, Denmark, Norway, Belgium, France, Italy, Greece, Great Britain, Ireland, and Hawaii!” says Lenin.

“Was I climbing in Peru?” says Casi.

“YES.” says Lenin.

“I sound…cool.” says Casi.

“Yup.” says Matt.

“Guys I’m sorry.” says Casi.

Lacey cries.

“Yeah. …You and Lacey would have had long talks about Stephen King. And Stanley Kubrick. …You make no sense to her as you act right now.” says Lenin.

“Do I have a crush on her?” asks Casi.

“No! You’d assume she’s your biological cousin. She’s straight. And she’s just your cousin.” says Krystal.

“How did Matt know!??” says Casi.

“She’s straight.” says Krystal.

“Oh my GOD!” says Casi.

“We don’t talk about it.” says a Nesheim.

“You wouldn’t even know.” says a Nesheim to Casi.

Later.

“Do me!!” says Nancy.

“You’d be platinum blonde. …Really into modeling! …You’d look like Bethany slightly. You’d be very skinny. Live in Seattle. As a drug rehab specialist. But…now. In your 20’s and teens and early 30’s your whole life is modeling. You spent three years living in Paris. You’d speak a little French. …And have had a real French boyfriend.

You’d be slightly into grunge now. Very into health food! You’d not have ever had cancer! You’d hardly have ever gotten sick.

You’d have no husband. No kids. But you’d have mystery rich boyfriends. And they’d be real. Possibly one or two billionaires you’d be very secretive about. …You’d have graduated from some university in Montana. And have your masters degree from a university in Oregon. You’d be still considering getting your doctorate. But you wouldn’t be sure where!

You’d be worth $500,000.00. At your exact age. And be living in a townhouse you own with thee other women. In Seattle. Worth $1.2 million. You’d not be proud of where you live. You’d frequently say, ‘It’s a shack!’” says Lenin.

“Who’s my boyfriend!?” says Nancy.

“Some unknown billionaire. In Europe. …And some Wall Street guy. And some…actor? Like a D-List actor.” says Lenin.

“What perfume do I wear?” she says.

“Glossier! Pacifica. …And a clean niche perfume.” says Lenin.

“What’s my jewelry collection look like?” says Nancy.

“You have two pairs of gifted diamond stud earrings. One from your parents. One from a boyfriend. Totally $26,000.00. And…an old strand of pearls. Real. From your adolescence. …A Rolex! You bought yourself! In Paris! And…that’s all.” says Lenin.

“Wow!

What about handbags?” says Nancy.

“Your watch is rare. Worth $75,000.00. By the way. …Ahh…you grew-up wearing Coach. …You own…your old bags. In a box. …A Neverfull. A YSL you bought on a whim in 2016. And…a Birkin. You’re very quiet about your Birkin. It scares you to own it. It’s worth $40,000.00. …You have…lots of shoes. …You remind me of Carrie Bradshaw!!! …It’s WEIRD. But…you don’t go over-the-top. You’ve just gone through $20,000 worth shoes since 1999. Which isn’t bad, considering. But it’s a lot of money. And you are hard on your shoes. But you wear them all sparingly because you have so many…and you wear your Uggs, and Birkenstocks, and Tom’s and etc. to death. Your Converse. Your casual shoes. …You…have a fascination with eggs??? Okay? Umm…you’re quirky. And lively. And you were in a sorority. …You drive a Honda. And you’ve driven your Honda for years. But you’ve frequently been in very expensive cars.

No. You’re not necessarily slutty. Wild? Kinda. You’re naturally blonde, skinny and well-bred.

No. You’re not into drugs. But you have had A LOT to drink. At times.

You’d be named…Jennifer. Sorry. Or not! …You’d go by Jen. Jennifer Anne.

No. You’d rarely ski.

You’d be insecure about Lacey. She’s prettier than you. And you’re blonde! So weird! But…you’d barely care. …And you’d be totally consumed by your own life.” says Lenin.

“Do I have friends?” she says.

“YES! You have your posse!” he says.

“How many?” says Nancy.

“Four.” says Lenin.

“Am I good at my job?” she says.

“Not as good as you were as a model. You were in Vogue once. …You did a lot of shows. But you spent money! And you had extremely rich boyfriends. …But you do your job and people have been helped by you.” says Lenin.

“Do I ever marry?” she says.

“Yes. In your 50’s! To a well-off guy. In Seattle. You’re happy enough. …But you actually love your current husband more.” says Lenin. “You’re very blessed in that way, Nancy.”