“What!?” by Lem

“If there’s reincarnation I would like to explain. I am the Japanese Emperor who requested Jack’s help.” says Emperor Ninkō.

“Are you Red Fay?” asks Lacey.

“Yes.” he says.

“So if there’s reincarnation…you’re Emperor Ninkō? My goodness. …What’s the story?” asks Lacey.

“I had sex with his mother. She was a prostitute. It was 1824. She was sweet…I thought. Very mature! 16. And…he is my son. But I didn’t know that.

So…when he died I asked him to do a favor. Just for me. To make it up to him. Because…she was…poor. And…I felt bad.

I asked him to…destroy Great Britain.” says Ninkō.

We learn he’s always been bisexual. Regardless of reincarnation.

“What do you see it as?” asks God.

“A way to feel more pleasure than with a woman.” says Red Fay.

A reader laughs.

“Ninkō the Nincompoop.” says another reader.

“I have questions!” says the current Emperor.

“Red do you want to have sex with a woman?” says a living gay man.

“Not as much.” admits Red.

“Dude! You’re basically gay!” says a living gay man.

“Why did you leave us in trouble in the south?” asks the current Emperor.

Red Fay looks shocked.

Red Fay thinks.

“You know?” he says, worried.

“Ahh…well…” the current Emperor laughs. Shrugs.

“I am Red Fay. …If I tell you the truth…you’ll make assumptions, which scares me. I’m not God.

Listen…please don’t take any of my answers as proof! Okay!?” says Red Fay.

“Okay.” says the current Emperor.

Red Fay looks sad. And if there’s reincarnation he weeps. Crumbles to the ground.

“I ruined the country.” says Emperor Ninkō.

“You sure did!” says Japan.

“I took advantage of a lot of people. Especially the poor. I had many extramarital affairs. …I tried to expand the borders. Especially in the south. But I ruined my chances. Because I kept telling the soldiers to wait to attack and then when I did I tell them to attack they were exhausted from waiting. …I was cruel, unusually…difficult to be around…and…yet…I seduced many people. Including men. …I abandoned my mother upon the death of her closeted relatives. …I was…also very rich. And…Jack’s mom wished to be my wife. She’d watch me come and go. Carrying smoke.” he says.

“And…you carried smoke?” asks Japan.

“No. I mean it poetically. …They would follow me…with smoke. Actually it was steam.” he says.

“WHY!?” says the current Emperor.

“To dismiss evil spirits who they believed followed me.” says Emperor Ninkō.

“Dismiss them?” asks the Emperor of Japan in 2024.

“Yes! …We believed the steam would capture the spirits. And then we poured the remaining water into the ocean.” explains Emperor Ninko.

“How did you capture them!?” says the current Emperor.

“We believed the water would carry them away. Sort of like clearing out the lungs with steam? So…the water molecules stole them lot of the air.” says the Emperor Ninkō.

“Why water?” asks Japan.

Ninkō looks nervous.

“Ahh…it is…neutral. It is…pure. It is…divine?” says Ninkō. “Or I thought it was.”

“Okay. So what happened?” asks the current Emperor.

“We ran into trouble. Great Britain was our adversary. You don’t understand the importance of the Dutch East India Company. They ruined our relationship with England. …I could no longer trust them. But that was long before me. …Anyway…our relationship deteriorated. And so I sent Jack to do a mission for me. If there’s reincarnation.

If there’s not…this is a good story!!” says Emperor Ninkō.

“It’s NOT A STORY.” says Lem.

“Okay.” says Red Fay.

“So! What’s the story!?” says Lacey.

“So…he was supposed to find a couple or a group or a particular person to attack who would be able to destroy Great Britain. And he accidentally found Emperor Constantine and Scotia married, having sex. He had no idea who they were. …It was actually an accident. But they were very powerful. And he felt that. And was drawn to it. He believed they were important to the British although he didn’t know why. So…he set our spiritual coarse of action on them, so to speak. …He chose them to be the…winners. Our hostages in a sense. And if there’s reincarnation we were to use reincarnation to…work our magic.

They were possibly..THE DUMBEST AND WORST CHOICE in ALL of Great Britain. But he felt drawn to them. No! They’re sexy. Yes! But…it was a sort of jealousy of Lem. A desire to harm him, Lem, masked as homosexual desire on Jack’s part.

And so…he came back as Jack Kennedy. And Lacey and Lem were tricked into coming back. Separately.

If there’s reincarnation.

And I came back too. Because that was part of the deal. …If there’s reincarnation I really am Red Fay. And…I did-

I came back too.

Jack…was…MY best friend. …And honestly…I was more his best friend too. …Lem was used. Lem was not his real best friend.

If there’s reincarnation…I did not understand…at all…that Jack was my son reincarnated. Why? Because I was so profoundly stupid and evil. It’s…like Hell. Dying and finding out that I had…had an affair with- Well it was Hell. …But I didn’t take my role as emperor seriously enough. I created a spiritual apocalypse. So…it stands to reason that I could make such a Hellish mistake.

Jack is my son. If there’s reincarnation. He now has no birth father. And I barely exist. …I prefer not to think about it.

I made a fool out of myself.

Jack’s stepfather in Japan is his only father.

So…we are now in trouble.” says Red Fay.

“Did Jack make love with you?” asks a reader.

“YES!!!” screams Red Fay. “YES!! I am not in Hell…but I’m not happy. Regardless!”

“Did Hiroshima happen because of you?” says a reader.

“YES.” says Red Fay. “If there’s reincarnation.”

“They based Back To The Future on this. The demonic. And the dead. Who inspired the writers. …It’s supposed to be a happier version of reality. But Donald Trump is Biff. And that doesn’t work. And Lacey’s not NEARLY pretty enough. …Her whole family is off. Except she’s married to Lem. And Jack is Marty.” says dead Japan.

“Marty is a patient boy!” sings Becca. “A patient boy!”

“Who lives in our backyard?” says Dr. Seuss.

Becca stares at him.

And at that the character of Marty McFly flies through the air.

“Who’s Doc?” asks the CIA.

“Doc is supposed to be Jesus. But it is insane.” says Red Fay.

“Becca why is Marty patient?” says the CIA.

“He was behaving well with his siblings.” says Lucretia Billings. “I tried to keep an eye on him.”