“Yes, Lem I’m claiming that when Casi called Lacey pretentious she meant uppity. Not DISHONEST.” says a reader.
Lacey distracted, eats Beef Stroganoff.
“LACEY!” she yells. “CONCENTRATE!”
Lacey laughs. Thinks. “She wrote that after I’d spent the day at Hamma Hamma.” says Lacey. “It was posh. But not…really. A middle class person from Seattle could easily have done what we did. It’s right there.”
“She’s right.” says Bill Gates.
“Yah! He probably has his ordered in. …But going there and sipping wine…and seeing it all was really fun and memorable. …And it wasn’t free. I mean we paid for the ferry and the driving and the food and beverages. But…I think it seemed posh because of me. My aesthetic. I felt posh. …But it wasn’t…that…uppity.” says Lacey.
“It looked posh to me.” says Casi, in her spirit.
“Because you lived in Texas. Away from the ocean. …It’s just a local thing.” says Lacey. “It wasn’t a yacht club. …We have family who sail. But it was really just local food.”
“Done well. I’m sure Hamma Hamma is the best.” says a former follower.
“YES! And our background allows us to know such things. …So in our own way it was privilege. But…if you really cared about seafood…and you lived in Seattle you could easily do the same thing.” says Lacey. “As a treat.”
“But seafood is posh Lacey!” says a reader from Ireland with a hint of sarcasm.
“You know…in landlocked US it kind of is. …But…it’s also not. It’s…like…steak? …Costlier, slightly. But…I’m…lost as to what she was actually mad about. I’m trying. But I’m lost.” says Lacey.
“She was sad.” says Bill Gates.
“About what?” says Lacey.
“That she couldn’t eat as well.” says Bill Gates.
Lacey thinks. “Do you not understand how to eat well?” she asks Casi.
“Mostly. I mostly do. …But to be honest…probably not like you. …Okay!?” says Casi.
“So she felt depressed?” Lacey asks Bill Gates.
“Yes!!” he says.
Lacey thinks. “To be honest I have no idea what that kind of depression feels like. …The kind where you theoretically could do something to change things…like it’s sort of in your control…but…you just can’t. Every time something depressing happens to me I genuinely fight it or can’t and that’s a different sort of depression.
Does anyone know what that’s like?” says Lacey. “I don’t want to bother her.”
“See…I judged you.” Terese says to Lacey, from the afterlife. “I assumed you were a loser. Basically. Because you had problems with Mark. And I thought he was amazing and I didn’t think your problems were real. I thought you were just a dumb bitch. Because it made me feel good about myself and my daughter who wasn’t married.”
“No. You can’t make someone love you who doesn’t love you. And that’s really all it was and is with him. …He loves me sort of. But…not like what a lot of happy married couples have. Or couples have a in general. He’d deny it. But…I’ve almost killed myself many times over his gaping lack of real romantic love for me. …And now I’m just over it.” says Lacey. “We’re close friends. Oh well.”
“You’re NOT THAT TOUGH!! I AM!!!” yells Terese from the afterlife.
“No. She is too.” corrects Tonette, Terese’s mother.
“So Terese doesn’t love her either.” says Linn, flabbergasted in the afterlife.
“Well duh! Terese is a competitive catty bitch to me. …I don’t have an aunt.” says Lacey.
“I made her that way!” says Steve, her husband.
“Did you?! She blames you for everything. She tells EVERYONE your bloody details. It‘s actually inappropriate. I heard WAY too much. But…she seems to think her shit never stinks.” says Lacey. “That’s what I’ve seen of her.”
“I did make her worse though.” says Steve. “I’m very toxically competitive. And I made her that way. Even if she was already a little bit like that.”
“What was she like before?” Lacey asks Tonette.
“A lot sweeter.” says Tonette.
Lacey thinks.
“No…I thought you were…expecting me or Stephen or your mom to safe you from a bad marriage. Just like you thought we should have saved Rand.” says Terese.
“Then why didn’t you just say that?” says Lacey.
“Because I thought I was in your head. I truly barely understood you at all.” says Terese.
Lacey thinks.
“I am competitive. But I thought you were too.” she says. “It’s something you did to…relate to people. You’re not competitive at all.”
“No. It goes over my head and annoys me.” says Lacey.
“She’s not like you. She’s really not.” says Harold Loeb to the Nesheims.
“Becca let her be different. But then she never bothered to fully or appropriately explain everyone else to her.” says Zelda.
“She’s very insightful. But…there are some things she missed. And I’m like that too. It’s common. But it tripped me up. Same with her.” says Scott Fitzgerald.
“Well…no. I was…full of thoughts. About their marriage. Rand and Jess. But…it wasn’t competitive. And it wasn’t…like that. …Why didn’t Stephen say more?” says Lacey.
Terese laughs.
“HE DID!!!” yells Becca, like Lacey is deaf.
Lacey thinks. Is stunned.
“No! He did, sweetie. He did.” says a dead Greatest Generation woman to Lacey.
Lacey stares at her.
She nods at Lacey repeatedly.
Lacey starts to get it. She looks stunned.
The woman smiles. “She’s one of us! I used to have talk like this to my friends at times. She’s really stunned. She’s not faking it.”
Lacey thinks.
“Oh no! HE DID!” says Terese to Lacey.
Lacey takes a deep breath.
“She’s trying to make sure you’re good enough parents!” says Toddy to Terese.
“No! I did!” says Stephen.
“Funny he didn’t listen!” says Lacey to the Greatest Generation woman.
She looks funny at Lacey.
Lacey waits.
“You think kids listen!?” she says.
“Mine do!” says Lacey.
“Well…mine did too.” says Marion Benedict.
“Yeah.” says Lacey, stunned.
“Some just don’t!” says the Greatest Generation woman to Lacey. “They just don’t.”
“Stephen was a loving dad though.” says Lacey.
“He was!!” says Gaynelle’s granddaughter.
Lacey thinks.
“He was!” says Rand.
“Was he?” says Lacey to Rand.
“YEAH!” says Rand.
Lacey looks perturbed.
“Well then I just can’t think what happened!” she says to her Greatest Generation pal.
“They had a bad marriage.” says Laureen.
Lacey looks disturbed. “But it seems like they’ve fixed it. …If that’s even possible.” she says to her new Greatest Generation pal.
“Yes. Exactly!” says the woman.
“Have they fixed it?” says Lacey to Stephen.
“No. Not completely.” says Jess. “But we’re very happy.”
“Are you lying?” scoffs Lacey.
“No.” she says, sincerely.
Lacey thinks. “Were you two really in love?”
“Yes.” says Jess.
Lacey thinks. Blinks. “Well that’s what happened.” she says to her new Greatest Generation pal.
Then she turns to them. “Why were you trying to stop them!?”
“Because we found her concerning.” says Stephen.
“Why didn’t you say this her!?” shouts Matt Nesheim at them. “THAT’S SICK!!”
“I agree. I had only half an idea.” says Lacey.
“We were in love.” says Jess.
“Great! Why do I care?” says Lacey, confused.
“Because you didn’t have that??” says Jess.
“Oh! So I’m jealous!?” says Lacey.
“That’s what I think Terese thought.” says Jess, waiting for fireworks from Lacey.
Lacey controls herself. Blinks. Because yes, that makes her livid. Lacey slowly takes breaths. And Jess cries if this is real and in the afterlife.
“Huh. …So you knew they were genuinely unhappy?” says Lem to Terese.
“YEAH!” says Jess. “It makes me mad too.”
“I knew they were happier. But…I held you responsible for not finding a man to love you. You were very pretty. I thought you’d obviously messed-up somehow.” says Terese to Lacey.
“That’s VILE.” says Raymond Rose to Terese.
“No. We tried.” says Stephen to Lacey.
Lacey nods. “Well…they were really in love. So it’s understandable. Actually…it seems like they couldn’t be stopped. You know? …But…then I wonder why the whole family knew about it. Because…those are just ordinary problems.” says Lacey.
“Oh agree!” says Lacey’s new Greatest Generation pal.
“Yeah. Bipolar Disorder is common!” says Lacey to Jess.
“It is.” says Jess.
“So you have no clue why the whole family was even talking about this.” says Woody Allen to Lacey.
“Yeah! …It’s ordinary bad marriage stuff. …And her brief affair was bad. But…whatever. It seems like they’ve recovered. And they’re working on it, regardless.” says Lacey.
“OH CRAP!!!” says Rand, thinking of Harold Loeb’s warning.
“I’m sorry. I really doubt Lacey was supposed to be raised in your family.” says Woody Allen to the Nesheims.
“It’s so common!” says Lacey to Laureen and Stephen.
“Things got bad though!” says Jess’s sister.
“She’s right. It is!!” says her new Greatest Generation pal to the Nesheims.
“I’d not be overly worried.” says Lacey to Stephen and Laureen.
“Are you making fun of your tendency to be like a grandmother?” asks Rand.
“Yes. Slightly.” says Lacey. “But I mean what I’m saying too though.”
“So there’s nobody you could have married who would have loved you that way?” asks Terese of Lacey.
“No. …Joel really did make a jerk of himself. …And so I wrote him off. …And I’ve prayed and asked God and he’s the only person to come to mind.” says Lacey. “Other than one German exchange student maybe. But that’s a stretch.”
“What do you do for sex!?” asks a Gen. X man of Lacey.
“Live through fucking Hell. My life has been Hell in that way. Other than the beginning of my relationship with Mark. …Purity culture is bullshit. And I’m not saying being pure isn’t important…but my parents heavily supported that and I was and am a very fervent Christian. …It completely confused me for years. …And then I gave up on it because it just…was driving me to literal suicide or insanity. By my mid 20’s. …And now I’m much clearer on what’s what…but I’m 41. And…I married with two kids. And…if I found the Illuminati by accident I was helped by English witches who helped me contact seemingly real ghosts.”
“I’ve heard her have sex with Lem. …I listened for reasons of control.” says Bill Gates. “And some of us have seen her sleep with Michael.”
“She tried to ignore us. Because we weren’t supposed to be watching. But we did.” says Jeff Bezos.
“So…she’s with me.” says Lem.
“HOW DID SHE FIND YOU GUYS?!?” says Maria.
“By accident. In Seattle. She thought she was losing her mind of being poisoned by Mark. Nope! Just…ancient secret witchcraft.” says Bill Gates.
“The telepathy?” says a reader.
“Yup. It’s real. It’s like hearing from ghosts but we’re not dead.” says Bill Gates.
“So you hear them!?” says Maria.
“Yes. Like ghosts. Its…spiritual. And I always knew that. But…that’s all it is. …It’s just so vivid. And it terrified me at first. I thought I was having hallucinations.” says Lacey.
“What did the doctors say it was?” asks Maria.
“They never were sure.” says Lacey.
“So you have sex with a ghost?!” says the Gen. X reader from before.
“Yes.” says Lem.
“That can’t be as good.” he says.
“IT ISN’T!” says Lem. “But I’m real. So- We don’t have a choice.”
Helena Bonham Carter laughs.
“Oh well. In 40 years it’s over.” says Lacey, dryly.
“And then she’s with me for eternity.” says Lem.
“Yeah. It’s just 40 years.” says Lacey. “And I get to interact with him now anyway.”
“Ummm…were you jealous of me at all?” Jess asks Lacey.
“Oh! Of your marriage?” asks Lacey.
“Yes!” says Jess.
“No!” says Lacey. “Saddened that I’m not as fortunate, yes. But not jealous.”
“And you’ve never been jealous of anything else?” says Jess.
“Nope. I’ve never been jealous of anything else.” says Lacey.
“Sc then you’re just mad because we’re being hurtful. And that’s all.” says Jess.
“That’s what’s normal!” bites Lacey. “YES!”
“She’s right.” says Lacey’s new Greatest Generation pal.
“Actually…it really is. This petty catty stuff is…real but very…uncommon in my generation. We were not supposed to be that way. AT ALL.” says Gaynelle Nesheim. “I was a gossip. But…my mean girl tactics were shunned. As they should have been. …And yet…I wasn’t really a mean girl. Not really.”
“What if I’m jealous of you?” says Jess to Lacey.
Lacey looks disturbed. Lacey nods trying to think of what to say. “Why?”
“Wealth. …Your privilege.” says Jess, shrugging.
“Well that’s too bad.” says Lacey.
“I’m not jealous!” says a man in English to Lacey.
“Oh good!” says Lacey.
“So! Love is where it’s at.” says a Black male comedian to Lacey.
“Yup.” says Lacey.
“I think we’ve heard that before.” he says.
“Yup.” says Lacey.
“Why doesn’t anyone get that with you?” he says.
“Narcissism!” says a Black woman.
“She’s not narcissistic.” says Pamela Anderson.
“WE KNOW.” says the Black comedian.
“Good.” says Pamela Anderson.
Keen to Cross the Pond 