“Why?” by Lem

If there’s an Illuminati for the last three years…they’ve ludicrously assumed I’m not real. …Maybe there’s no Illuminati. Maybe it’s just demons attacking Lacey to make her more miserable. …But if there is an Illuminati…they’ve made some ludicrous assumptions.

Why ludicrous? 1. Because…this is obviously me. It’s my tone of voice. It’s my manner of speaking. She’s not writing her own thoughts. And if you’re able to read that sort of thing in writing…you should be able to tell. …This isn’t her.

2. I’m telling her things only I would know. …Like how I meant my words sarcastically when I talked about Jack so adoringly. Sarcastically to just me…because I was fawning as a trauma response to the Kennedy’s narcissism…but sarcastically nonetheless. …Most of my most adoring quotations could be taken as disingenuous bullshit, and they are. …I secretly hated Jack Kennedy. My family felt he’d ruined my life. And he did. And I secretly hated him. …But I felt roped into being his caregiver and “best friend” for reasons of honor…and out of fear and despair. And…I genuinely thought he was a better person than he was. He was a rat. …But I wanted to think…rats didn’t exist. And that…somehow…his narcissistic self-effacing behavior…was sincere. Not just…manipulation. …But that was before people knew that much about narcissism. I had no idea how evil and…close to incapable of much progress he was.

3. JACK KENNEDY WAS A NARCISSIST. …If you study his behavior with an authentic, mature, intelligent perspective you can tell he’s a clinical narcissist. An actually diagnosable narcissist. According to the DSM. He’s a full-fledged narcissist. …He’s not just an evil hearted jerk. There’s something wrong with him. …HE WAS NOT NORMAL. … …So…HOW…could ANYBODY…man, woman, non-binary people…how could ANYONE…be truly in love with him? It’s IMPOSSIBLE. …You could fall in love with his facade. You could fall in love with his…body? But…I say body cautiously because he actually was kind of ugly naked. …I’m sorry, it’s true. …So…you’d have had to find his personality attractive. And a good part of his “personality” was a lie. …I’M DEAD.

Are You Serious by Andrew Bird plays.

I’m DEAD. I…am…DEAD. …I’m DEAD. …You New Age gurus truly are insane if you think I as a ghost…haven’t figured out things about my own life in the over 40 years since I died that I didn’t know before. I…would NEVER still be with him! …WHY!? …He was a narcissistic fool! …Why…would anyone still choose to be with him? After death? …Don’t you see!? …I’m dead. …And when you die you still care about your kids and…your parents…but…on friendships and romantic relationships…where there’s a different dynamic…you can stop caring. Almost entirely. You can also call in love with other people. Why? Because you see so much more. …Right!? …You understand so much. And…you’re dead…so there’s nothing you can do about it. …And it’s HELL for those of us who made extremely serious mistakes while we were alive. I’m living in a sort of Hell. …But…it’s not actually Hell. And I have grace for it…because…of Lacey’s love for me, in part. …Because she’s…mine. No sharing. …Except…I never shared Jack, so don’t get the wrong idea. Because I never had him. There’s no way you can ever fully have a narcissist. …Or even have them at all. …He was an AWFUL friend. He was an AWFUL lover. …And a mediocre US President, at best.

Most historians agree that if he hadn’t of been shot…we’d regard him as mediocre. And he was. Very…mid, as you’d say today.

A lot of the fawning things I said were impossible. As in, they CANNOT be real. It’s IMPOSSIBLE. …A hateful, self-obsessed asshole doesn’t make the best friend anybody could ever have. I was FAWNING. I was LYING, in a sense. There’s no way…what I said could actually be how I genuinely experienced him. THINK ABOUT IT! …He was a jerk. He was an absolute loser. …HOW IN THE WORLD…COULD I BE LAYING OUT…REALITY!? …I WAS FAWNING!!!

Think about it. …Even if I was gay or bisexual or pansexual…I couldn’t have been truly in love with him or happy. …It’s IMPOSSIBLE.

Look…Jackie moved on. At first she was devastated but she loved other men. Possibly more. You know that! You’ve written books about her and Bobby. …You know Jack and her were a thing…but not necessarily the most supreme thing. …And part of that was Jack’s narcissism. He was genuinely unlovable. Narcissists actually are. And that’s a part of their problem nobody ever sees, it seems. …You can love the part of them they let you see…but in their psychological dysfunction…they obscure a part of their psyche in constant self-protection. So…you can’t fully love them. And they know that…and it’s actually part of why they are so touchy, in my opinion. They…know they’re not fully loved…because they’re liars. And…it’s their living Hell. They’re their absolute worst enemies. …And yet convincing them to sincerely try is often very difficult.

But you know…often…they do so much damage…people can’t care anymore. Because a part of them meant it, so to speak. Or they simply…ruin…things. …There are no perfect people…and when you keep abusing others…people see your real flaws and it’s hard to see why you could love someone after you lose your safety with them…when they have such serious flaws and inadequacies. …There are some people like Harold and Brett…who get confused because she was narcissistic…but…he found her so perfect he can still manage to fall back in love with her to some degree…but…then there’s the bad memories to deal with. The Earthly memories. …It’s exceedingly rare for an evil narcissist to be with their living lover in Heaven. Usually it’s too far gone. …And JFK was an evil narcissist. …And what we had…wasn’t that great. And he definitely went too far. THINK ABOUT IT! …HE WENT TOO FAR!!!

What did we have supposedly anyway!? …You are are SO damn quick to call us soulmates nowadays. …But we were such different men. And such different people. …What values did we even have in common?

See…you see photos of us as teenagers laughing, being…goofy…posing sexually as Jack organized it…(and it’s irrelevant in this context even if I did it)…and you make HUGE assumptions. …You draw erroneous conclusions based on my smile. …Based on my laugh. …Because it has to be something that stupid. …You consent to the Kennedy’s mythology based on some observation. …And I (and Lacey) can’t imagine what else it could be. …We think it’s my…fun. My smile and laughter. …And that’s a hilariously stupid analysis, to be brutally honest…but…I’m trying not to judge.

…Some things are impossible to smile through. It’s PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. …Like excruciating pain. Lacey’s last delivery was barely medicated, if at all, and…she screamed in pain. And I don’t think…it was physically possible for her to keep smiling. Actually, I know it was. …And…to be honest…if…I was at all attracted to men…Jack’s wedding would have been too painful for me. I couldn’t have smiled sincerely. …People think they’re being mysterious or clever sometimes hiding their pain? I’ve seen numerous posts on Facebook about suicide and tragic people who claim they have fooled people with their hidden pain behind their smiles…but that’s not real. …Maybe far too many people are stupid enough to fall for it…but Lacey’s not often one of them. And actually…in the past…people were more like that. More perceptive. …We read each other better. Maybe it’s lead poisoning. Maybe it’s evolution. Whatever it is…it’s not good. And…as repressed as we supposedly were…we could actually see those things better. …And…yet…I had no such sadness. …You know if you really look…you could do what we did quickly. You’d just have to try harder. …You’re not incapable. So look! Actually look at my face at Jack’s wedding. I’m not nearly sad enough. You can tell! It’s my eyes. It’s my minor facial muscles. It’s my stance. I’m HAPPY. …I’m…feeling joy. …And while I could feel that…if I’m too…self-denying…and too empathetically concerned with Jack…there’s no way anyone could feel that if they felt any love or attraction for him. It’s TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE. It’d be too painful. …It’s PROOF.

So…yes…it’s possible I swore off men…and find Lacey…so perfect…Jack seems like an embarrassing mistake…if I was at all homosexual. But…I wasn’t attracted to men. I was molested by an Episcopalian priest when I was 13. And…combined with my father’s death…I had very little chance to understand what had happened. And then Jack took over my life and I didn’t have any means of escape. …I’ve told Lacey he violently demanded sex…and it was never consensual…in any real way…and that he essentially kept me hostage…as did his family (Ted)…but…she’s not sure fest ti think…and since I’m a ghost…I don’t at all find that hurtful. …How would she know!? …If that’s me it sounds unlikely. Jack didn’t live in that reality fully. He believed he was undeniably unfathomably loved…by choice. Not because he was forcing himself on others and psychologically manipulating them into believing they should or did love him. And he chose to live in that lie.

No. It’s impossible I could ever have been happy. At all. The way he lived. The way he was. Impossible. …And it’s obvious we had what to him what was sexual contact. …And there’s no way…if I was at all attracted to men…I could have not been hurt by him. Some pure friendships are sexually impossible, as in, they don’t work at all. So…no…we obviously weren’t just friends. If I was attracted to men at all. It’s impossible it was was friendship. …However…if I was straight…it’s possible, except…he’d very likely have been bisexual…and, again, he was too narcissistic to be even my true friend.

Later.

“So you weren’t gay at all?” says a reader.

“Not at all.” says Lem.

“You can’t turn straight! Nobody would ever do that.” says the reader. “So I guess you had to be straight? Or bisexual?”

“No. You could do that.” says Lem. “Very easily.”

“No. …I’m gay. …I know.” he says, disdainfully.

“NO! …It’s entirely possible.

…And act-“ says Lem.

“No! …You meant you didn’t care about anything but sex, drugs, and money.” says the gay reader. “She just doesn’t understand the life.”

“What’s the life?” says Lem.

“You know? Partying. Constant luxury.” he says, as if he really knows.

“No! I’d bet she knows more about it than you do!” says Lem.

He thinks.

“So you don’t care about monogamy? Or intimacy? Or building anything? …You just care about eating, pooping, and looking cool?” says Lem. “So you have no soul? You’re just a consumerist idiot?”

“I guess so.” he says. “But so were you!!”

“THAT…IS…LUDICROUS! …If you’re just a consumerist idiot…why does your take on me matter anyway? You’re just a blabbering nothing.” says Lem.

“Because I don’t think monogamy exists.” he says, as if he REALLY knows A LOT.

“So you’re incapable of forming human sexual intimacy?” says Lem. “Or enjoying it?”

“I can enjoy intimacy for a night.” he says, laughing and crossing his legs primly.

“That’s not real intimacy.” says Lem.

He sighs. Looks upset. “I just don’t think…there is anything else.”

“Are you a diagnosed narcissist? Or do you have Avoidant Personality Disorder?” says Lem

“I’m GAY!” he says. He’s white, upper-middle class, fashionable, gay and male.

“That’s not a mental-illness anymore.” says Lem. “So what’s your disorder?”

Later.

“I just can’t believe…you’d go straight.” he says.

“I’ve always been straight.” says Lem.

He smirks.

“No. I really was straight.

But…let’s say I wasn’t. Let’s say I was bisexual. …Why would you have a problem then?” says Lem. “Or pansexual.”

He sighs. Rolls his eyes. Shrugs. “Fine. Okay.” he says.

“You know…it is my choice. Not yours.” says Lem.

He looks uneasy. Thinks.

“You’re bizarrely authoritarian on this. All of you.

…I’m guessing you think this is some backhanded attempt to make an argument about homosexuality in the Bible. …But it’s not.” says Lem. “That’s a separate conversation.”

“How can you say that!??” he says, aghast.

“I…AM…DEAD.” says Lem, annoyed. “I…AM…DEAD.”

He looks stupid, confused and lost…to be brutally honest. Dumbfounded.

“You don’t believe in an afterlife…but this blog has your mind twisted into knots trying to be an atheist?” says Lem.

He nods.

“Well…that’s separate from homosexuality too, you know? …But either homosexuality isn’t allowed in Heaven and it’s for the best…and I’m happy to be rid of it, as it would be an actual affliction in that case…or…it’s moot because I was straight…or…I was pansexual or bisexual…OR…I chose to be heterosexual. …Why couldn’t someone do that? …Think of all of the straight women alive today who might choose to be bisexual in Heaven if homosexuality is allowed in Heaven. …You really don’t think that’s possible!?!?” says Lem. “What if…God told me that there were several wonderful women who would love me…and I thought, ‘WHY NOT!?’ …And so I tried it. And…Lacey is amazing.

Think about it! …She’s publicly writing about us. Risking her reputation. Just a bit. …Bravely daring to openly love me. …And…she’s extremely beautiful. Very intelligent. I get her. And she gets me. …And my family adores her. …And to be honest…she’s so perfect…and I’m so into her…that even if I was gay…I’d have been extremely tempted to be with her. …We’re that good together. She’s…exactly what I need. And I’m what she needs. …WHY WOULD I GO BACK? …Just to be with some man!? …What would the point of that be??? …Aren’t you really trying to say that a. Men are inherently superior to women, and b. That homosexuality is also inherently superior? …And neither of those are true. That’s misogynistic bullshit. …And…actually I think you’re insecure about the possible inferiority of homosexuality. …Because heterosexuality is definitely not inferior to homosexuality. …Or what!? What’s your grand, infallible argument?” says Lem.

He thinks. “But why would you do that!?”

“Because! I tried be gay my whole damn life! …And…I died of drugs. At 65. Alone. Miserable. Suffering. …And…my family wanted me to get married. …If I was completely gay…I was so in a time when it was shunned. …And most people were married. And…I was always longing…at least somewhat…for that kind of…depth. …I wasn’t just a lazy, shallow jerk. …I had depth. I was intelligent. …I had deep feelings and deep thoughts. …You all have never put me in any real context, just used me as a mascot or assumed I am your cheerleader from the past. …But actually…while I was alive…MANY people were very happily married. …There were a lot of good marriages and good people. …Not everyone was a lying fool! Not every man was a loser. A lot of people were really, REALLY happy. …And so if I was given the option to become fully straight…and experience that…truly experience that…WHY WOULDN’T I TRY IT!?? …I experimented with so many drugs…sadly…while I was alive. …Do you really think I wouldn’t try heterosexuality!?!” says Lem.

“But God would have made you gay!” he says.

“He would have in that case…but…why would He care!? …Why would it be so problematic to Him to alter your orientation!? If that’s even a thing. …If homosexuality is allowed in Heaven…why would He care that much? …You don’t think…he’d understand!? …I had an incredible amount of trauma related to be gay, if I was. …Why wouldn’t He empathize with that and make me straight? …Let’s say homosexuality is allowed in Heaven! …And a woman was sexually abused by her father…and then raped by her husband. …And then died. …And she died and while she was able to have good relationships with men…she still had a lot of traumatic memories…and so she decided to try homosexuality, because she could. And she found her perfect twin flame? …God would have made her straight…but…her trauma would matter to Him too. …Or you think…if homosexuality is allowed in Heaven…that God would force her…to be with men? Instead of allowing her to feel safe and have some distance from men? …No, maybe there’s no homosexuality allowed in Heaven…and maybe some people are who they are, so to speak…but…if it’s really allowed in Heaven…there could be people like me…who would be so traumatized they might consider being a different orientation.” says Lem.

He thinks.

“Or maybe it’s just not allowed in Heaven.

Either way…it’s LUDICROUS how stubbornly you all hold on to idea…that I’m gay…and madly in love with Jack.” says Lem.

Later.

“Then where are you!?” says the gay man to Lem.

“We’re both spirit and body. …And let me clarify something: I never pretended to be straight. …I was careful with my self-diagnosed homosexuality. At times I felt I was hiding it. But for me hiding it was simply not acting gay intentionally anymore. …So…really just being myself.” says Lem. “I was straight.”

He thinks. “How did you outsmart Elliott Roosevelt?”

“I was always meant to be with Lacey. …The world is just that fallen. Things are just that bad. …Well…I’m just meant to be with her so…I guess I just carefully and slowly chipped away at it. …Like a very long depressing game of chess.” says Lem.

“When did you decide to kill yourself…if you did?” he says.

“I had always been suicidal. …After we lost our money, I was molested, and my dad died. I was suicidal. …But I decided to actually go for it…Valentine’s Day 1981. …If I did it. …I had decided to give myself until 65 to live…after Bobby died. See if anything got better. And if it didn’t…my plan was to kill myself. Part of md hoped it would. …But I had that in the back of my head. To just die. At 65.

But I killed myself on his birthday…or was aiming to…when I had a heart attack…because I felt he’d ruined my life. I felt he was…a monster. …And so determined to die…on the day he was born…on Valentine’s Day 1981. …I went to a restaurant. (Lacey’s going out on a limb writing this part.) …A French restaurant. In New York City. …And I bought a glass of wine. Red wine. And I sat there…and watched beautiful people…who were SO in love. …And I felt…like DYING. I just couldn’t wait. Not for my birthday, not for any significant day. …I planned to die that night. A simple overdose. …But…(again, Lacey can’t tell if she’s hearing me right right now or not so I’d admonish you to keep that in mind)…I went home…mildy drunk…and sat down…and looked at all of things…and thought about it. Really thought. You know? …And…I looked at my Playboy magazine…and…decided that…I wanted to live just a little longer. …Just to give God a tiny bit more time. You know? One last chance. For something miraculous to happen. Christmas had been difficult too, but…then things got a little better for a short bit…and…I had hoped they’d get better again. Maybe I’d find some reason to keep living. …But instead they just got worse. And by April I was only excited to die. I planned to die on his birthday but then questioned that. …I wanted to get the timing just right. So…she either misheard me and I meant to die the day before…or I actually was trying to die the day of and accidentally died the day before.” says Lem.

Later.

“Lem…if you didn’t get any sexual pleasure out of Bobby and Jack sleeping with wonton why did you encourage it?” asks NBC (if there’s an Illuminati).

“I didn’t get sexual pleasure out of it. …Like I derived no pleasure. However…I did like the thought of sleeping with women. …And since I wasn’t doing it…it thrilled me and made me vicariously happy to see other men doing it. …I loved the idea of it. …I never encouraged Jack to hurt Jackie. …I never encouraged Bobby to hurt anyone either…and if I did…it was to make him look evil and ruin his reputation. …And etc.. …What sexual pleasure would I derive…from them sleeping with women? …As a gay man. …Even if I picked them. …Someone could have a weird fetish like that…but…they’d still want a relationship. And…I’m not convinced such a fetish could really exist. …So what fetish- Or rather…what are you exactly imagining?” says Lem.

“So…you let them sleep with these women…to get them…to sexually act out…around you.” says a reader.

“And I don’t want anyone? Or anything? …I just want them to act out around me? And it doesn’t bother me that they’re never faithful to me?” says Lem.

They think.

“Eww.” says a feminist reader. “We’re gross. He’s right.”

“I can see a gay guy luring someone that way…but…eventually he wants something. Or he tries to get something. And…he’d eventually become very, very jealous. Especially if he didn’t give up. And got somewhere. …I seemingly was jealous according to some people…but not nearly enough. …You know…sometimes I think you all know I’m straight. …And you enjoy thinking of me as naughty straight man.

Let’s think about that for a moment. …Who am I? …A rich…sophisticated…sexy…devilish man. …A knowing man. …And what am I all about? Sex. Drugs. …Being elite. …Who do I sleep with? Well…officially men. Right? …But who do I really sleep with? …Well…you’ve never thought about it. …So who is it!?!?! …Some…model. Some hot, impossibly sexy…impossibly perfect…model. A woman. …And it’s wild. And…she’s madly in love with me. …And I’m probably madly in love with her. But…we don’t talk about it! Right!? …Because that’s WAY too personal. …AND…she’s dead. Or on another planet. Or…missing somehow. …And you hate her because she’s IMPOSSIBLE to match. …But mostly because you all identify with Jack. …He’s scrawny. And middle class. And has facial features that can be handsome or downright awful. He’s worse looking in person. …That’s what I think you all think, possibly. In your subconscious. …That you stole me from my wife who’s better then you…through JFK.

But did you really steal me!? No!!! …AND…also…you don’t find me that sexy anyway. …Not personally. …You actually think I am. …But…what?! …I’m gay? No. You think I belong to Jack? …No. …I’m dead.

If there’s reincarnation…I actually am not…nearly as evil as you think…but…I am a dead British aristocrat…and Constantine. …And it’s like Vladimir Putin. …It feels weird to have a crush on him. Or come on to him. Right? …And…I’m not supposed to have lived the life I did. …So when I was molested…a part of me died. And…you can sense that. So while you celebrate Jack. Because that feels like a victory for America and the middle class…you also feel weird about me. You know I’m not to be touched. And I’m not. Lacey is mine for eternity. If there’s reincarnation she’s Scotia. Yes, the actual Scotia. And…for over a decade…she was my BELOVED wife.

If there’s not reincarnation…and there really might not be…I think I’m attractive but…just not quite in the right way for most people. …For Lacey…it’s…impossible to replace me. She’s completely incapable of getting over me. And she will be for eternity. And I for her. …But I wonder if there’s not reincarnation…if I’m good-looking but not…your absolute idea of profound perfection.

…What’s perfect to you? …Joe Kennedy Junior with a better torso? …Or Rock Hudson if you’re not straight? …What, of men from my generation, is perfect to you?” says Lem.

They think.

“Anyway…goodnight.” says Lem.