“Pretending” by Lem

“THIS IS WHAT I MEANT BY PRETENTIOUS.” yells Casi from the afterlife at Lacey.

“That’s not how the word is actually defined.” says Lacey.

Casi stares at her.

“It’s NOT.” says Lacey.

“But it’s used that way.” says Casi.

“This morning she got sent some stupid, fucking shit from some asswipe who is probably better that he’s not rich and famous. It was about some jack ass who flies through the air and has anal sex, probably in his wet dreams. And that was after he asked her if she was suicidal about a week ago never read her message blew her off and then decided today to send her some stupid fucking shit. He’s a lower class British chump who has a crush on her but it’s too hateful to be honest about it. He also has a very small impressionable young daughter and Lacey. Now Lacey worries for her safety. He’s torturing her on Christmas Eve because that’s that’s my wife’s actual concern is the safety of his daughter. She grew-up with very abusive parents. He’s triggering her on Christmas Eve with his bullshit. And if he’s not the scum-of-the-Earth I hope he realizes that someday. That she’s feminine and sexy. She’s not a masculine person at all and I’m not gay and you’re a moron for sending her that.

The British empire was not as evil as asshole middle-class people want it to be in America. You go hunt down Chrissy Teigen, you go hunt down all these people who torture children openly and then you come back to me with your criticism of the British empire you hypocritical idiot! And I’m yelling that at a black person who I respect who I do believe could be hypocritical idiot. He ives in a time when he’s benefiting from the trading of children and he has no moral outrage about it. I’m not even sure he’s aware that it’s happening. …Chrissy Teigen is black, so is Oprah! And you’d think to target them or would you be more likely to try to protect them because they’re black. If you’d be more likely to protect them because they’re black well I have news for you you jackass that’s what happened in Great Britain! Grow-up!

Chrissy Teigen might actually sometimes have a conscience and I have news for you, there are many slave traders who did as well. See things aren’t simple and people used to know that 30 or 40 years ago, but today people walk around acting like everything is so fucking simple. The good people are always good and the bad people are always bad. I would like to see Chrissy Teigen in Heaven and so would Lacey. So why don’t you try following that example. Oh you cant? Oh that’s right because we’re white and old money and if there’s reincarnation I was a British aristocrat and that makes me what? Dirt to you compared to you and your moral supremacy?

No I’m so tired of people having the most toxic reaction to Lacey. There are some people who may not, but then they never get any credit from her because they’re so shouted over by violent narcissistic bitches.

I just tried to express myself and I don’t think it quite worked. There are things I love to say to some of you, but I don’t think you’re prepared to hear because you’d feel sad. Jack was a narcissistic prick. I was straight. I could not have managed being with him for more than an hour, if I was not straight. I was 6 foot four and awkward and I liked girls. When I was a boy. And I felt a little animosity towards them because I felt like they had the upper hand. And that was part of what we had fun together over was the sense that women had it had a good. They kind of had us over the barrel so to speak. that died down by the time I was in my 40s.

I have no fond sentimental feelings about the Kennedy Center. And Jack never brought me to some sort of ecstasy. He didn’t wanna think he was homosexual, so he was very reticent to experience most homosexual acts, unless if they were done violently. And by violent I do not mean violently passionate I mean he was violent. He had a hard time with sexual intimacy as a narcissist and so I think he was passionate sometimes with women and I-I wouldn’t be surprised if he was passionate with Red Fay on occasion, but he was never passionate with me. I don’t think he would’ve easily been passionate with an openly gay person. I was not open, I never came out of the closet so to speak but I acted gay, Red did not. I was not actually gay, but I acted gay. That’s what I mean and he would never have felt comfortable being passionate with someone like that. Unless if he wanted that person to somehow end up dead. Or he was hoping to play games with them psychologically. And I suppose he could’ve tried that with me, but he never really did. We didn’t have sexual tension between us. I was straight. And so, even if he tried, you know, he might’ve even tried, but it never worked, because there was no sexual tension between us. And he never created it in my head. He never manipulated me in such a way to feel that without really feeling it. 

But the truth is again you people have yet to realize the perfect argument that I made there is no way for someone to be as happy at his wedding, as I was without being straight.  yes, you can see it in person‘s eyes or their smile or some thing there was nothing about me that seemed unhappy in that way. And there is absolutely no way that a person could see what I saw and experience all of that that day, without feeling sadness if they were attracted to men given the context of the situation, it’s completely impossible. It is literally psychologically impossible for me to be photographed the way that I was without me being straight it is totally impossible. What’s more I look heterosexual, physically I look heterosexual. 

So a it’s rather upsetting to me as it goes, who is chosen to reveal all of that to Lacey first to her in private years ago, and now openly…to all of you… to be kept from sexual intimacy with her at a time when her physical body is being taxed highly she’s cleaning she’s cooking she’s wrapping presents. Her children are at home they’re high on sugar well not high, but they’re very hyper and she’s expected in all of that, with no family almost at all, supporting her, loving her awful parents who raised her to some degree. Your father cares somewhere, but Tom is Dad. She’s wept over that her daughter is asked to go see grandma but there’s no grandma to go see and it’s made her daughter genuinely depressed. Yeah after all of that for you, jack ass is to send her stupid fucking shit and treat her like a piece of crap for no fucking reason other than your imaginary hurt feelings I’m sorry Casi I’m sorry that we misunderstood you because we’re more polite and reticent and well bred than you. I apologize that we don’t know when to apply to colloquial and not. Go talk to Bobby go talk to some stupid fucking middle-class jack ass you would understand what the hell you’re talking about all the fucking time! And thank you for telling thank you thank you so ever much you dumb bitch you narcissistic vain little cow thank you you ugly piece of fucking shit! Thank you so fucking much!

Thank you so fucking much for clarifying some thing you could’ve clarified about a decade ago you little horny toad from hell!!” yells Lem Billings.

Awkward silence.

“ i’d have cared about not hurting your feelings, and I would care about editing this block. If I thought people deserved it, there are some people who do, but there are a lot of people reading this blog that deserve to be confused. I know I’m not talking about a child reading this blog I’m not talking about a nice person reading this block. I am talking about dumbasses who read this blog to laugh at her and find fault with every fucking thing she does and says. Because I know that’s what you’re doing and so does she she doesn’t care that you’re too dimwitted to understand what the hell she’s talking about half the time.

I know I am sorry pumpkin she’s probably prettier than you too and I was taller and actually probably smarter than your husband . I came from a better family and you know what it’s sad. I was straight how many of you? Assholes have thought I was gay because you knew I was straight and she made you too jealous?” says Lem.

Someone raises their hand.

“ how do you live with yourselves? There’s really nothing that evil about her. Do you people just live off of your supposed superiority all the fucking time or do you have a soul?” says Lem.

“ people want to be her friend and then they get too jealous of her.” says a woman.

“ you know you wouldn’t have to you could choose to be a grown-up instead of a five-year-old bitch from hell.” says Lem.

Casi smiles. “ Lacey as much as time is right and I have to respect him. He also knows and he’s not in his head at me that you have to talk this through because you’re sort of an external processor and therefore we have to talk this through. I didn’t mean to call you fake, but that were just automatically means that but that’s not quite how I meant it, it was more that I just thought that you were like pretentious.” says Casi.

Fidel Castro laughs.

“ I don’t really know what that word means because it’s colloquial and very few people that I’ve been exposed to who I have no one use that word the way you mean it Mark has occasionally use that that colloquial word pretentious on very rare occasions we’ve used it to insult him sort of new money, icky Bierschwale restaurants that serve overly complicated, bland food that is extremely expensive in Europe and in the United States I think we’ve criticized one or two hotels that way but I don’t think I’ve ever used that word or heard that word used in any other context so to me, it still is pretty connected to the original word in the dictionary that is colloquial in a way, but isn’t at the same time I think some hermeneutics professors get confused on that or get really uptight about it or whatever the word would be and my phone when I’m saying offensive, and I invite them to invite them to find it offensive in a real way, but in my opinion, even though all words have a colloquial derivation in a sentence they don’t at the same time colloquial does mean something and so even if the origins of the word in a sentence is colloquial of all words are colloquial in a sentence they’re also not in the dictionary was established and is used for a reason they know it’s not just the British empire and John D Rockefeller, trying to control things some degree. Some of that is bullshit and at the end of the day people who are in charge or were in charge. You had a conscience or some common sense on occasion just did things to keep order they really did him and do an occasion still, I wouldn’t be surprised if Bill Gates isn’t pair evil and if I occasion he does some things that might seem rather mysterious, but actually aren’t there just to sort of keep things from falling apart Vladimir Putin might agree with me, but that’s the thing not everyone in charge who can be evil is always 100% evil. There are some people who are just trying to keep things from falling apart so to speak and on that note dictionary‘s are not just you know some stupid thing that was concocted by some rich person to control the masses, so my my definition of the word in my head is that it’s always so much disingenuous or dishonest or incorrect in someway and I can’t quite divorce myself from that meeting. It’s very hard for me to do that you’ll have to do you have to do that you’ll have to. Somehow you’ll have to somehow explain to me what it is that you mean because I’m not quite getting it to me. It’s always disingenuous somehow or dishonest. I’m not quite understanding same thing in a sentence, but not I’m not quite understanding Casi, what it is that you’re trying to say.” says Lacey.

“ OK so it’s like it’s not disingenuous necessarily it’s not just it there could be it could be disingenuous because to somebody who’s from the country and who prides themselves on being what some people are calling down to earth it it it actually does seem disingenuous to me because I am from the south I’m from the country and so to me it just seems disingenuous for everyone to be that way because I am sort of that kind of person where I kind of just think people should be like me but that’s what I meant. I didn’t necessarily mean that you were a liar and then you went with that and I decided to let you because I thought it was smart and it was one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done.

The definition of the word is more with you. It really is what you’re saying, but I meant it in the context of my own culture and myself, and I assumed that you were like me in someway, or I slowly realized over time that you weren’t because to be honest, you’re white and the same way that I am or do you know people in my area like to think that they are the sort of 1700s 1800s a Anglo French sort of European German luck that’s what we’re going for right that’s what we want to think we are. I know a lot of us are Still hot but you’re that too and in my own ignorance and hostility I just didn’t think it through and realize that historically were from the same area of Europe, and that that doesn’t really mean anything just because you look like people from my area doesn’t mean you’re one of them Lem’s looks like those people to him, so does JD Vance, but that doesn’t mean we’re all related or the same people We’re just all from probably relatively the same time. In the same area of Europe, but we’re not all the same people. Some of us are rich so this report some of us did well service did not, and we’re not all the exact same people, even if were racially so much similar.

So you and Lem’s are from the upper class or you became that my ancestors were probably not they were probably more middle-class and stay that way, but they were from relatively similar groups of people and a lot of people have not understood that or understood that you didn’t know what I was talking about however, I am not completely idiomatic and so over time I realized basically stocking you for about a year or two commenting on every post liking every post you ever posted I realized that you weren’t really like me and I got to me it irritated me and so I called you pretentious but I didn’t mean it in this way where it’s like you should suddenly become exact I didn’t mean it like you should become like me, but I didn’t at the same time I wasn’t calling you a liar. I was I was trying to say that you were like damn it’s hard to think of a word, other than pretentious the way that I want to use it- so it’s kind of like him like why don’t you come back down like why are you being so like why are you being so like why are you being so I party or so cold like I didn’t wanna think you really just were that kind of person because I have not really been friends with those people and they don’t generally like me early stay didn’t think that they did so I’ve never really met somebody like you and I had no idea what you were thinking about me and I was starting to feel insecure because I thought this woman is gonna think I’m an idiot or she already does and she’s just humoring me and I am making an ass of myself. This person is really beautiful and uppity and secure and I’m just making a total fucking asshole of myself.

And honestly Lacey, everyone in the perfume community started to realize that around that time we all been following you and we all adored you as you were so wholesome, but you weren’t foxy and you weren’t backward and you were intelligent and sophisticated and I just thought this person is really cool it’s like Martha Stewart like you have the same Affect on people it’s sort of like ASMR. It’s sort of relaxing. Just watch you when you’re like left your own devices because there’s just something very methodical and sort of perfect about everything that you do. I am sort of like cracked and it’s just super relaxing I mean if there’s to be in Carnation, it’s because you’re a military genius lightly and you’re like that and so, it’s sort of like watching you know the most decent you know military maneuvering where it’s like people are all marching you know in perfect lines and it’s just relaxing to watch it’s mesmerizing and that’s what it’s like watching you. It’s like perfection even if you’re even if there’s not reincarnations, it’s just really relaxing Just watching and so I think a lot of perfume people followed you because it was just relaxing you were just relaxing to watch.

But then a lot of us started getting really irritated the more that we realized that we weren’t quite like you or that you might not really like us and it just started to get to be awkward in Martha Stewart world. You realize that it’s just a television show and you’re not really interacting with her and so you feel safe just sitting there watching her because it’s not like she’s Martha Stewart but you don’t think she’s gonna start criticizing you Because she can’t see you it’s television. You could see us and interact with us and so it started to get to the arm really irritating because it just got it got way too weird it’s just like this person is like Martha Stewart and I’m really worried she’s seeing all my flaws and it’s just getting really weird.” says Casi.

“ there’s nothing that I could do then!” says Lacey.

“ no and actually, I am curious to know why it was like a year ago that somebody thought your maid was the problem.” says Casi.

“ because that made confused her the second maid didn’t the first made did.” says Lem, “ the first made, came from poverty, and was going to Saint Kates in Saint Paul, and was bisexual, and was dating a man as an experiment, and she was very hateful towards Lacey. She may have even stolen something from her, and she was very arrogant and it was not a positive experience for Lacey. It was confusing him and see the problem is you did the same thing Casi said to a lot of people in reaction to her. They get very upset and they start trying to compete with her when that’s the dumbest thing they could really do what they should really do is just realize that she’s probably better than them in someway and let it go, because there is some people who are just better than us they’re taller than us or smarter than us. That’s just how it is and it’s not really a problem you don’t have to be the smartest person alive to be smart, or the richest person alive to be rich you can just be rich or smart, and if that person who’s better than you isn’t trying to fight you and they’re just minding their own business, you really are best off just letting it go and not trying to take them down or threaten them or compete with them but a lot of people have chosen to do the dumbest thing possible and just compete with her when they really shouldn’t because there’s no competition or they’ve chosen to try to somehow prove that she’s wrong in someway and that’s also just spectacularly stupid and the problem is Casi that made confused her if you had just done that to her without that made, she would’ve had a different reaction. It’s really that complex.

So if that made hadn’t confused her she would have thought why is this woman competing with me right now or why is she blustering so much and she would’ve thought I think this person feels insecure I think they feel sad. I think they feel sort of sad but that’s not some thing she could process because that may totally confused her I kid you not it really was that maid.” says Lem.

“ what did that maid do?” says Matt.

“ her maid told her that essentially you weren’t insecure you weren’t even poor that somehow in someway, you were infinitely superior to her, and that you weren’t feeling insecure, you were feeling disdainful of her poverty and rural background.” says Lem,

“ what exactly did what did this maid say?” says Mark Dayton.

“ she brought up that she’s been your maid and that she’d seen your mansion in Lake of the Isles and that you had an elevator in your house and all your pictures were lit up. She did that because she could stand Lacey‘s apartment. Lacey said we have a lot of antiques and she said I don’t see that many antiques. You don’t have that many antiques. This doesn’t feel like a place with antiques to me who made said that, and actually Lacey did have a lot of antiques but that’s what her maid said she acted like Lacey had a horrible problem. Lacey had a very messy house and that’s why they hired the maid service and the woman made a very big deal out of that and then acted as though Lacey’s background which was upper class, and his old money was somehow absolute fucking shit compared to the date and family and that somehow in some convoluted way by virtue of her being bisexual and being your maid she was in a higher class than Lacey. And Lacey is intellectual she’s an actual sensitive intellectual and so she’s not like Jack at all and so she wasn’t sold on the idea but she took it to heart because she’s a very heartfelt sensitive person and she had nobody to talk to Mark is useless in that way or was and I wasn’t able to talk to her because I’m dead, and Jack was taking advantage of that and trying to somehow abuse and totally destroy her entire existence And then actually genuinely become my lover because he sees that as a way to glorify himself over God and he has us it’s a psychotic need to be better than everybody. He hates everything and everyone. He is an a Normas Lee psychotic narcissist at this point.

Or he was.

So the problem is he still has some residual, energy and illuminati is desperately conjuring it if they exist or other people are because they don’t want to think that he cease to exist even temporary early because that’s very scary to them. It makes God seem terrifying. So the point is you you can’t you need to stop conjuring his energy to attack her and interrupt his conversations because it’s not helpful. He doesn’t necessarily even exist as a conscious being and you’re searching for someone who at the moment does not necessarily even exist.

He may come back God loves us all and if he’s not sending us to hell, he may actually bring Jack back, but for the moment he’s not in existence.

But no, this may glorified Mark Dayton, and may the Dayton seem astronomically above Lacey, which is ludicrous because actually they’re above the Danes. Lacey’s background with the silver smiths is superior to the date in Family and Actually. They don’t have needed authors and their family they have a clothing store. And they were not silver smiths in Norway, catering to the royal family with books being written about them they owned a department store and they were wealthy for about 100 years and that’s it. And no, I’m not disparaging them. I’m just pointing out the fact that her family actually is in a higher class than the Dayton family but this woman was an asshole idiot who didn’t know her butt from her face in that way. she couldn’t process the idea that Lacey‘s family had oil because Lacey did tell her that and she just couldn’t process process what that meant it just it was she had to make them poor because she couldn’t quite understand what she was being told or how humble and sweet Lacey actually was as a person. Also, what’s really hilarious is that Tom Banks had a house like that in that area his house wasn’t his grandma‘s theirs but it was not a small house and I’m sick of people misunderstanding that his house was 3000 ft.² he bought it when it was practically brand new they lavishly decorated it. They had a country manner, basically a country, a state And they had a cabin and they were frequently visited by Hollywood elites. They were very posh people and they were in that neighborhood. That woman didn’t know that obviously but she did at the same time. Lacey is genetically old money and it’s obvious when you meet her and it’s very intimidating and people have been lying about it for the last decade because if there is an illuminati Chris Hayes and MSNBC Couldn’t handle feeling inferior to her and that’s very complicated but that’s essentially what happened.

But we can really trace this whole shit show in a sense back to that poor sad made, and we want to hold her accountable but we want to make sure that we don’t do you know go to far because she was not necessarily trying to be. Lol even if she stole some of Lacey‘s China, she was raised by a drug attic’s mother, she was homeless for a short time and she really did pull her self up by her own bootstraps. She got in Florida they were actually poor and she doesn’t necessarily as much as she’s streetsmart. She’s not as streetsmart is she think she is and she didn’t realize how done what she was saying was to Lacey, she was attracted to Lacey and she lied about it and that was one of her first faults, but she also was not prepared to deal with the reality of who she was in relation to Lacey him and she’s part of the reason Matt is now dead.

Mats family is like Lacey they’re very friendly people. They’re very loving people and Lacey try to be loving to this made. She talked with her um but not obtrusively. Hopefully this woman certification almost like a friend, but that was not something this woman was prepared for that’s how the Nash arms are that’s how mats family is, very friendly very down to earth but that’s not how a lot of people are who are bourgeois and who use the maid service. And so a lot of people are not a lot of people are not aware of how much she tries and soda. Unfortunately that made Casi told her that your pain wasn’t real and that you were just a disdainful uppity bitch.” says Lem.

“ so that made basically told Lacey that I was potentially superior to her in some convoluted way and is that if Lacey disagreed with her that we would be at war with each other.” says Casi.

“ yes essentially.” says Lem.

“ that’s not the reality of the situation.” says Casi.

“What is the reality of the situation?” says Lem.

“I’m poor.” says Casi. “And I spend money I don’t have on perfume.”

“A lot of us do.” says a perfume collector.

“It’s AN OBSESSION.” says Mr. Cologne 76.

“I didn’t have money to pay for my car.” says Lacey’s former maid. “That’s why I ghosted you.”

“I…have…no idea…what to say…to these people.” says Lacey to Lem, in a panic.

“She’s not JFK!!!!” says Chrissy Teigen, in the afterlife.

“Well MERRY CHRISTMAS!!” yells a middle class woman at Lacey, hatefully assuming Lacey’s hateful.

“NO!! …SHE JUST DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY!!!” yells Chrissy Teigen, in the afterlife.

“Why?” asks a Real Housewife.

“Because she’s…not Jack. …You all are talking to her like she’s JFK. …She’s not. …She cares. But she’s…not sure what to say.” says Chrissy Teigen.

“We’re expecting sympathy.” says a reader to Lacey.

“Mmm…I don’t want to give you the wrong sympathy.” says Lacey. “That’s…presumptuous on my part. …It’s also…embarrassing to me. To get it so wrong. …I don’t want to be hurtful.” says Lacey.

“Do you eat tuna fish?” asks a reader.

“Yes! It’s good.” says Lacey, confused.

“But it’s cheap.” they say.

“Yes! So what?! On occasion it’s good.” says Lacey.

“I once had to give my kid tuna for a week!” says a reader.

“Yikes!!” says Lacey, cringing.

“Umm…no. She’s not Jack.

Lacey…we would like your sympathy!” he says.

“I KNOW. …I’m trying to find the right response, and I’m at a loss!” says Lacey.

The stare. Glare is more like it. Rage. Incredible self-righteousness.

“JUST BE NICE!!!” one yells at her.

“I’m trying to be!!” says Lacey, meekly.

“THEN SAY SOMETHING!!!” yells one of them.

“SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY!!!!!” bellows Lem, exasperated. “I WAS STRAIGHT!!!!”

One of them laughs.

“It’s just too disturbing to you?” a British man asks Lacey.

“Worse.” says Lacey.

“It’s awful.” says a reader to Lacey.

“I KNOW! I’m…dumbfounded.” says Lacey.

“Oh. …So…we’ve sent you reeling in horror?” says a reader to Lacey.

“Yes. …And see…the Kennedys were dirt poor. In the 1800’s. …My family hasn’t possibly almost ever been that poor. …So…while I want to be comforting to you…I can’t think of what to say or do. …I’m not Jack.” says Lacey.

“And we’ve bit your head off when you’ve tried. I bet.” says an Englishwoman.

“Yes. You have. …And I don’t want to make that mistake again.” says Lacey.

Lacey goes on Facebook and blocks Vahe.

“Why?” says Lacey.

And then Rip Horton is shown in a Gayety gossip post about Lem Billings.

“Umm…that’s not even Lem.” says Lacey.

“We never had good sex.” says Lem. “The Kennedy Center isn’t my baby.

Jack…never made me orgasm. Ever. And actually…that’s also impossible. And you all need to realize that. …You’ve created a monster. In the US.”

“Will Vahe regret it?” says Lacey.

“Is this because I showed Merchandise Mart?” says Vahe.

“Yes.” says Lacey. “Do you read my blog?”

“He might.” says a reader.

“Why are you SO hateful?” says Lacey.

“I was raped by them.” says Lem.

“Because I refuse to have any sympathy for you!!” says Vahe.

“That’s sad. I thought better of you.” says Lacey.

“Mad Men was stupid television show. …And I was into it for a while. …But…it’s not that great.” says Vahe. “And…you gave it more importance.”

“No. She didn’t. …Why did you mount such a sophisticated insult today?” says Lem.

“Yeah. …It’s creepy.” says another person.

“We made him do it. Using demonic magic.” says Chrissy Teigen. “Most people are responsive to our spiritual guidance. And yes, we are that petty. And rich. And bored.”

“So we gave him the idea!” says a Boomer.

“Why did he think it made sense?!” says Lacey.

“I agree.” says one of Lacey’s friends on Facebook.

“I feel weird.” says Lacey’s first maid.

“SHIT! SHE BLOCKED ME!!” says Vahe, when he realizes it.

“Dad…that’s bad.” says one of his sons in the future.

“Good!” says Michael. “How long have you hated her?”

“Years.” says Vahe.

“Good! I’m glad we found a source of bad spiritual energy. And got rid of it.” says Michael.

“I thought we were on good terms.” says Lacey.

“Oh FUCK.” says a bisexual feminist. “He really was possibly very toxic.”

“Is he into men?” says a demon who’s impersonating JFK about Vahe.

“You know…that’s not Lem. …Lem was straight. …I know he was. As in, I know he was. …That being said…I’m hopeful the gay lie about Lem will only give Lacey and Lem privacy. …Nobody will know. That he’s real.” says Vladimir Putin, laughing.

“Even if I was gay…I’m still very likely over Jack.” says Lem.

“He’s married?” says another demon to the demon impersonating JFK.

“Oh. Shame. …I was going to try to tempt him to fantasize about sex with JFK in the White House.” says the demon. “He could replace Lemmers.”

“Using the Gayety article.” says MSNBC.

“YES! …I can use algorithms. …Give him the idea when he’s drunk. …And then…I get to possess his body. …Fun. …CHRISTMAS FUN.” he says, like the Grinch.

“You could meet…at Merchandise Mart.” says another demon joining him.

“Ahh. Yes. I like it.” he says.

“Well. Too bad!” says Putin. “You shouldn’t have led them to war with me.”

The demons regard him. Sigh. “You’re right. …But Vlad…it was too damn easy. And too damn tempting. …Evil…that’s so damn evil.” they say.

“I think he’s married.” says a third demon.

“Shame!!” says the demon impersonating JFK.