Lacey doesn’t have much time. But she’s rightfully angry. Righteously angry.
Even if homosexuality isn’t allowed in Heaven…there are many real homosexuals. That’s fact. And we can’t make them straight.
I was not…one of them. …I was a genuinely confused heterosexual.
God…calls us to be honest. …We can make homosexuality a mental illness again. However…if that’s not a plausible option…we can’t encourage closeted behavior. …It’s my opinion that we never did. We shunned homosexuality and homosexuals became what we call closeted because of it. …Whereas now…with as much awareness as we have…it would be an outright lie. It would be truly closeted. This is America. It’s not a country that ever celebrated homosexuality before now.
Is it insane? That’s a difficult discussion.
“Do they love each other?” Lacey asks God.
“As much as two gay men are capable of.” she God.
“I don’t want to celebrate their insanity.” says Lacey. “But I also don’t want to…lie.”
“Yeah. What’s right?” asks a dead Holocaust victim.
“They’re not just insane.” says God. “Regardless.”
“Then I don’t want to celebrate their deformity.” says Lacey.
“What’s the truth, do you think?” says God.
“About what they experience?” says Lacey.
“Yes.” says God.
Missing Pieces by Flawed Mangoes plays.
“I could write the perspective of an alien.” says Lacey. “Don’t make assumptions.”
A young man in Pekin, Illinois plays basketball on a hot day. In 1952. At 16 he regularly practices with his younger siblings. All 6 of them.
Ten year old Saul is…his best competition.
Saul looks…like him:
He’s not a spitting image. But he’s similar. Blonder. More…German.
Saul is…kind. But…melancholic. Prone to…serious moods.
“Where are you going!?” yells his older brother Walter.
“Nowhere.” he says, smirking.
“It’s HOT!” says Walt. “It’s too damn hot for you to wander off!”
Saul stares at his older brother.
“Give me that ball!” says Walt.
They play more basketball. Then walk slowly back home. In late July.
Ready for dinner. Dinner in the shade of their stucco house. Mom made…pork with beans.
Signal Lost by Flawed Mangoes plays as they sit in 1952…as a happy…lower middle class family…eating together. At an old wooden table.
Three lamps in the room. Dad sweaty from labor. Mom…tired. From housework. But…yes. Everyone was…actually pretty happy. I’m NOT LYING. …These people…really were.
Fade to darkness.
And in another house. In town. Sat Melvin McCoombs. That’s what we’ll call him. …That’s not his real name. But it works.
Melvin’s father was an accountant. His mother aspired to be…popular. She looked…well-groomed.
They had four kids. Anne, Melvin, Sarah and Ryan. A perfect family. Or so it seemed to many people.
Mrs. McCoombs had…great…light blond hair. She regularly went to the beauty salon. She…wore…Chantilly. By Houbigant. Powder. Cologne. And parfum for special occasions. Her favorite color was sky blue. …And she made excellent roast beef.
Fade to black.
Tea For Two by Oscar Peterson Orchestra plays.
Melvin was the man from Pekin, Illinois on the last post. Again, that’s not his real name. But we’ll call him that.
Melvin was…a snob.
Melvin looked like his mom when he was young. At 5 feet 10 he was…handsome enough. Especially at his…ideal weight. Not too heavy. Not too slim. Broad shoulders. But nothing…unusual looking. Just…handsome.
Huge smile. And…of course…he too looked bisexual.
Do you know what a bisexual looks like? No? Alright. Just imagine another iteration of Rupert Brooke.
But this Rupert…had…an attitude of superiority.
At…4:00 PM…Saul was playing basketball with a few of the guys after school when Melvin walked out. 1958. It’s 1958 now. (Sorry. I forgot?)
And by 1958…Saul and Melvin…were 16. Attending the same school. High school. In Pekin, Illinois.
They…gave each other glances. As they had been doing since they were about 13.
Saul quit playing just to stand and talk with Melvin. Hands in pockets. They stood there laughing. Talking about…math. Making fun of their teacher and the way her huge boobs hung down to her waist. The way it looked like her beads were going to choke her to death around her thick neck. And the way she…had given them both failing grades on a recent test.
“We should study together!” says Saul. “Maybe if we used each other’s brains we’d have one whole brain.”
All I Have to Do Is Dream by The Everly Brothers plays.
“Yeah.” said Melvin.
Saul smiled at him.
“Well…gee…I’ll see you tomorrow.” says Melvin.
“No! …You should join us.” says Saul, throwing Melvin the basketball.
Melvin laughs. Fumbles. Tries not to. Desperately trying to look cool. Saul notices.
Cathy’s Clown by The Everly Brothers plays loudly.
The boys play basketball. Melvin is…terrible at it. But he tries. …He desperately tries.
Saul stares at Melvin…the way…JFK looked…in the photos he took in the snow…at Choate…with Lem Billings. And…Melvin…couldn’t look at him almost at all.
They spent hours playing. And after the third boy went home…they kept playing.
At 8 PM they stopped.
“Well…I better go home. I’m already late for dinner.” said Saul.
It was a late September night.
“Okay. Sure!” said Melvin. “Hey! Why but come to my house!?” he said, cheerfully.
Saul blinked.
And in silence in 1952…they stood in shock. Unclear on what they were both feeling. Unclear on what they were both experiencing.
By December they were close. And by May they were “best friends.” And…that’s all it was. They both had girlfriends by graduation. Both of them.
Saul’s mother was hopeful he’d marry his girlfriend. She was very sweet. Dark hair. Pretty. They were happy actually. In love even.
After Kennedy was shot…Saul finished his third year working at a car dealership in Peoria and…Melvin was…excited to announce he was going to pursue a masters degree after graduation. An MBA.
And…neither of them…ever…stopped writing. Ever.
The song starts over.
Writing. Calling. Meeting. Playing basketball. Melvin got better over time.
Susan…had Saul’s heart…but…she also had great aspirations. She wanted to be…an actress. So…she left…
At first Saul was genuinely devastated. …It’s unclear how much Melvin knew. Melvin was smart…but could also be a bit…dense.
But…when Saul needed a shoulder to cry on…Melvin was…kind. They played basketball. For hours.
For days. Weeks. They played basketball.
Melvin refused to let Saul be that sad.
The summer night before they would be separated by the Vietnam War…Saul drafted first…he and Melvin felt…compelled to try to be in love.
“I wish I could date you.” said Melvin.
“I wish I could date…you.” said Saul.
“Yeah. Wouldn’t that be nice!?” said Melvin.
They sat next to creek. Feet in the water, drinking beer from brown glass bottles. Alone. Far fewer mosquitoes than today.
“Yeah. That’s for sure! …I…understand you.” said Saul to Melvin.
Melvin laughed and then began to cry.
Saul decided to hold him.
And the next day…Saul left for Vietnam.
When Will I Be Loved by The Everly Brothers plays.
Melvin…loved the Everly Brothers.
But he also loved…
Help by the Beatles plays.
He was drafted four months later.
Amazingly neither young man died. Or maybe not amazingly…depending. Death in war is complex.
You’re Gonna To Lose That Girl by The Beatles plays.
Saul and Melvin…Mel and Saul…were as in love as two gay men can be. Truly supportive of each other.
After they returned from Vietnam…never failing to keep in touch…they passionately reunited. After the war they felt…less sure of many things. But they were sure they cared about each other. More than anyone else alive.
Still…they couldn’t handle it. Both of them.
Melvin…felt…scared. His family would be…extremely upset.
Saul also fear the reaction of his family.
And so…they…mutually agreed…openly…to not…”get married.” They….just “kept in touch.” Which meant…they basically got over each other, almost. Not quite. But almost. …They both married women.
Saul and his wife had a bad marriage but they determined to stay together. Had three kids.
NbMelvin had two. His marriage was happy enough.
Saul died first. Then his wife. Then Melvin’s wife. And Melvin lingers.
…Did they ever cheat? …No. …They actually didn’t. …Well…okay. I guess they did. In a way. …Melvin…laughed too hard around Saul. And they spent hours talking around New Years Eve, every year. On the phone or in person. They never touched. They just…talked.
Saul drank too much. But…he was often cheerful. Making jokes. A good father by most accounts. And him and his wife were at least somewhat in love.
How did they keep talking without sexual contact? All those years!? …Because they had restraint. …And they were in love with their wives. And…maybe they’d hurt each other some when they ended things. Maybe it was just too painful. Maybe they were terrified of completely losing each other. And so they savored every chance to just…talk. Still retiring to their wives…who they really did love and find attractive…safely.
That’s the real Brokeback Mountain. That’s…the real Jack and Lem. Regardless of whether or not homosexuality is allowed in Heaven.
Why didn’t they run off together? Because…1. They were bisexual. …So they actually found their wives attractive. For real. And it wasn’t just as if…the sex they were having with their wives wasn’t…real. It wasn’t as if it didn’t do anything. They were attached to their wives. They may have even worried about losing them.
And…they were…scared. They were mutually assured destruction scared. They couldn’t…harm each other. Because they cared about each other for real. They had one mind together…and they mutually decided TOGETHER…to…keep it…as a “friendship.” A real friendship, as much as they could manage.
“This is good. This is pretty accurate!” says God.
“What’s the fake in the Jack and Lem?” asks a gay man of God.
“Jack’s inability to live in any sort of actual love for Lem. He’s entirely selfish. There’s no give and take. …Romantic and sexual relationships don’t survive that long with that dynamic. Ever. …Marriages can. But not romantic and sexual relationships. …Attachments can. But…the way you’ve described them…as it is presented by historical evidence…means that…any sort of real relationship is impossible. …They’re phony. It’s a fake story.” says God.
“There’s no way…we could have….a loose relationship???” says a gay man.
“No. …He’d have been…a very different person. And his role would have been dramatically different.” says God.
“Let’s talk about social class.” says Lem.
Awkward stares.
“That’s a sad, beautiful love story. Of possible insanity. Or real tragedy.” says Rupert Brooke.
More awkward stares.
“Lacey’s family is rich.” says Matt. “We’re just cheap. Here’s a list of things we could do…to impress you. But don’t.
- Buy a new private plane
- Buy a yacht
- Run for Governor of North Dakota
- Run for the US Senate
- Go to Ivy League schools
- Buy multiple new Hermes bags
- Buy a few luxury cars
- Build $6 million estates all over North Dakota
- Own well bred horses
- Buy…$400,000 pieces of jewelry.” says Matt.
Awkward silence.
“What could she do, personally?” asks a perfume blogger.
“1. Own a $100,000 diamond ring
2. Own two (real, near perfect condition) Hermes Birkins
3. Own a country house
4. Own a decent wine collection
All in edition to what she already has.” says Matt.
“What does she use?” asks a perfume collector.
“A restored Louis Vuitton Noe, An open bottle of Prosecco in the refrigerator, limoncello, sloe gin, Hendricks gin, Vermouth…Absinthe…a Kate Spade bag…A few vintage bags…a vintage Coach bag…a vintage Louis Vuitton Speedy 25…a Launer Traviata…and she has an Alma PM and vodka on her list.” says Matt.
“No whisky?” says a man.
“No. She can’t stand whisky. For the most part.” he says.
“What’s her favorite wine?” says a reader.
“2010 Burgundy.” says Matt.
“I had it London…for dinner…in 2012…and I’ve never forgotten it.” says Lacey.
“Was Jack really cerebral?” asks NBC.
Matt laughs. “No!!”
“I’m sorry you died.” says Donald Trump.
Matt nods. “Yeah!!” he says.
“Lacey that’s like…$300 a bottle now.” says Miley.
“Yeah! It really was good.” says Lacey.
“I’m sad. Lacey those gay men…make me sad.” says a woman.
“They’re happy. If they’re with me. They find…a perfect mate.” says God.
“Did they ruin it?” says a woman to God.
“Yes. They would have. …If their love is real. Sadly…they would have ruined it.” says God.
“Did any gay couples…who didn’t…resist societal pressures…ever not ruin it?” says a gay man.
“If I allowed it…it’d be very rare.” says God.
“Why!?” he says.
“It ruins the trust. You just…can’t…build safety that way. Friendships? Yes. But not…safety.” says God.
“Is it allowed!??” asks a feminist.
“I’ve advised Lacey not to discuss that as of yet.” says God.
“So those two men…love each other…have sex…and then…it’s just…friendship?!?” says a gay man. “They find rare love…and then…throw it away?”
“Yes, if I allowed it…they would have.” says God.
“You’re a Chantilly wearer!!” says a woman to Lacey.
“No. That’s a LIE!” says God. “You meant that as an insult. But it’s so…passive aggressive it doesn’t even make sense.
What are you trying to say?”
“That she’s EVIL.” says a woman.
“How?” says God.
“She’s repressive??” she says.
“ARE YOU JOKING!?” says Donald Trump. “HARDLY!”
A living Nazi working with Trump laughs at the woman.
“But she knows these men are in love!” she says.
“NO! It’s NOT THAT SIMPLE!” says Ivana Trump’s ghost.
“There are real reputable theologians still claiming homosexuality is a sin?!? Or a perversion!?” she says.
“VERY MUCH SO!!!” says Tucker Carlson, in shock. “ABSOLUTELY!!!”
“HOW do you NOT KNOW THAT!?” says Vladimir Putin.
“Oops.” says Casi.
Return To Sender by Elvis plays.
“You all don’t understand Lacey. …You talk to her like she’s a shrew. She’s NOT!” says a dead woman.
“Has she ever told any man she’s a lesbian?” asks an actress.
“NO!!!!” yells Tara Fitzgerald, appalled.
From Me To You by the Beatles plays.
The song plays.
1:09
Lacey laughs.
1:25
Lem opens his arms.
The song ends.
You Can’t Do That by The Beatles plays.
“Uh oh.” says Bobby Kennedy Senior, like a toddler. As a toddler.
And in 1903 Joe Kennedy Senior vomits over his own sex life. Why? Because to him…sex is EVIL. And…that’s his real personal opinion, so to speak. …A closeted Puritanical, closeted prude. Sadly evil nonetheless.
Can’t Help Falling in Love by Elvis Presley plays.
The song plays.
A romantic woman reading her blog cries. Over the two men from Pekin, Illinois.
“Are they happy?” she says to God, weeping.
“YES! …I would never let them be unhappy in my presence. YES! Fear not.” says God.
She stops crying slightly. Thinks.
“Do they even exist?” she says.
“Yes.” says God.
And at that she half smiles. “I like them.” she says.
The song ends.
Keen to Cross the Pond 
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