“Lem’s Lookalike” by Lem

“Lacey…how likely is it that that energy…you’re not reading…is at all homosexual?” says Lem’s living lookalike.

She thinks.

“My problem is that I’ve been too lied to.” says Lacey. “When I analyze Lem on my own…I personally see no way he was gay at all. Absolutely no way. …But…I’ve been told I was wrong and full of shit SO…OFTEN.”

“I’d date you.” says Richard Deacon from The Dick Van Dyke Show. “Whether that’s because I was actually bisexual…and chose to identify as gay…privately…or I’d just become straight for you…I like you as a person. And I know we’d get along. …So…keep that in mind. …It’s not a dead end. Even if Lem was gay. …But…I know he wasn’t. And what scares me…as a person…is that you don’t believe yourself. …Even if you could be wrong…I’m not sure…you’re being given insight beyond what YOU ALREADY KNOW.

You aren’t…A LIAR.” says Richard Deacon to Lacey.

Hungarian Dance No. 11 by Brahms plays as performed by Stephanie Clausen.

“I can’t tell.” says Lacey.

“Yeah? But you can.” says Richard.

The song plays.

“You…don’t find Michael Rockefeller nearly as daunting. Why?” says Richard Deacon to Lacey.

Lacey thinks. Takes a deep breath.

The song ends.

Hungarian Dance No. 11 by Brahms as performed by the London Symphony Orchestra plays. Loud. And dramatic. And faster than…on some occasions.

“I think Michael could see something in me. …Lem is exactly what I’ve always wanted. And I’m…terrified. …Because…I’m not sure anymore what he’d love about me.” says Lacey.

Curl by Sneaker Pimps plays instead.

“I was mostly gay. Not completely gay.” says Richard Deacon. “I preferred men. By a lot. But…I was seen as gay.”

The song plays.

“Why is there a demon sitting right next to me? He’s completely uninvited.” says Lacey.

Machine Says Yes by FC Kahuna plays.

“Because…Casi hates you.” says Richard. “Your haters don’t understand you. …They think you’ll be proven wrong. Eventually.

Tell you what…go look at my photo. As an attractive 30 year old in 1960.

*She does*

Would you go on a date with me?” he says.

“Yes.” she says.

He nods.

“What if…we didn’t make-out, even? Would you be surprised?” he says.

“No.” she says.

He nods. “Why would we keep dating?”

“Because I’d like your company.” says Lacey.

“Yes! …And I’d like your company. …And then I’d have to decide if I could be…your husband. …And in your case…I could have.

I’d never have done it. …I was of the same mindset as Lem. …But…I’d have been very tempted to with you.” he says.

Lux Aeterna by Clint Mansell & Kronos Quartet plays.

“And been happy!?” says a Millennial.

“YES!!” he says, laughing. Then he looks suddenly sad. “She’s not…who you all seem to think she is today. …And…we’d…have gotten along. Really well.”

“And you genuinely feel that’s as satisfying as a man?” says a living gay man.

“YES. I’d have…been…targeted on rare occasions…by gay men. Who were looking. …And by women too. So…that’s every marriage. …And I was and am a very tough person.” he says. “You’ve vastly underestimated heterosexuality in the last ten years or so.”

The song plays.

“But…that’s just it! …How do I from the grave explain myself? This is the best I can do. …And right now it matters to me. …I was mostly gay. But not entirely.” says Richard Deacon.

“And you just stayed away from women to be respectful?” asks a lesbian.

“YEAH! …We saw it as honorable in my generation. Lem’s not alone in that! I felt that way too. …Bisexuality was…either a sad lie or…an daunting insecurity. And so…if you never met Mrs. Right…you didn’t bother.” says Richard Deacon.

“To be a good man?” asks a lesbian.

“YES!” he says. “To be a truly good man.”

Clair De Lune by Debussy as performed by Minh Quan Phan plays.

The song plays.

“Lem was straight.

Honestly…Lem what do you like about her?” says Richard Deacon.

“Her…” he says. “Everything.”

Lacey listens to the energy. Richard’s offer of a date is enough to give her courage.

“There’s nothing here.” she says.

“EXACTLY!!!” he says.

“SHOOT!” she says. “I was genuinely tricked this time!”

“YOU WERE!!” says Richard.

“This is actually terrifying.” she says.

He smiles at her.

They sit together at a restaurant in her spirit.

“Am I a part of your generation?” says Lacey.

“YES.” he says.

“Are we all as nice as me?” says Lacey.

“YEAH. …People today think we were all passive aggressive, but we weren’t. …We just didn’t like getting all riled up. But at the same time…we were very…intense. And…proper.” says Richard Deacon.

“I watched an episode of The Dick Van Dyke Show today and there was a restaurant scene and it broke my heart. Because I recall seeing that on television and thinking that when I grew-up all adults were going to be like that. And I thought it was going to be so easy to find real friends. …I thought…everyone would just grow-up and suddenly start acting like all of you.” says Lacey. “Was that real?”

“YES!” says Richard Deacon.

“You gave each other that much space?” asks Lacey.

“Yes!” he says.

“So I seem normal to you?!” says Lacey.

“You seem…more…airy…than most women in our generation. …I can’t think of a better way to describe it. …Sort of…bubbly. …But…it’s not…that different. …You fit in with us so much more than almost anyone alive today.” he says.

“We’re quieter.” says Lacey.

He nods. “Too quiet apparently.”

“The thing is…Lacey’s genes are prepared for a Holocaust!” says a dead Jewish woman.

Someone laughs.

“NO! I’m SERIOUS. …She was prepared for HELL ON EARTH. All members of the Greatest Generation were!” she says. “We’re resilient.”

“Okay.

But then how do we convince her to…care?” says a living gay man. “Because…it seems like that’s the downside. You all just…give up!”

“You wanna know the truth!? As average as I seem to you…to her…I’m SO MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN ANYONE ALIVE.” says Richard Deacon. “My build. My…manner. All of me. …She can’t be as attracted as easily to any man alive. …It’s not fake!”

“SHIT!!” says Cher.

He nods. “Yeah! I know! Her life…is…rough.”

“Ewww!!!” says a straight woman. “Do they all look like boys to her?”

“No…and yet…you’re not going down the wrong path. …They don’t look like…children…but they look…off-putting. …It’s not childlike…but…in some cases it’s not not that. …She finds George Bush childlike. …Just a little. …Same with Bill Clinton. …She finds…some men less so. However…she’d have had a chance at being happy…if she’d been raised by a truly loving mom. Not a loving mom…but…rather…a mom who really loved her.

See…without socialization she simply went on genetics. …And based on genetics…she was expecting you all to be like us. Think like us. …So…she went on bad dates and no dates.” says Richard Deacon.

“Where do you all go on dates?” asks one of her former boyfriends.

“The movies!” he says.

“Where else?” says another ex.

“Oh…dancing. …But I mean…organized dancing. And…classic film. …We were very fortunate.” he says.

“Dinner?” says one of her old boyfriends.

“YEAH! …Or…drinks. …The man pays. Always.” he says. “No questions asked!”

“Does she put our?” asks a Millennial.

“SHE MANAGES US.” says Richard, laughing.

“What’s that mean?” says a Millennial.

“We…expect her to put out. However…she can put it off. …Leave you waiting. …So…you ‘get your goods’ eventually but it’s not…quiet so…automatic, necessarily. …But you do get them!” he says.

“So men expected sex?” says a woman.

He nods. “Same way as women expected commitment, love, respect…affection…and fidelity.” he says.

“Was being a housewife actually that bad!??!” says a Gen. Z woman.

“FOR US!?” says a dead Greatest Generation woman. She silently shakes her head no. “No! I was hurt when people insinuated I was ever unhappy being a housewife! …I felt…hurt. …I know the idea wasn’t necessarily all bad. …But that was not my experience!”

“How many of you were unhappy?” asks a living lesbian.

“30% to 40%.” she responds. “Which is bad!! …But not the majority.”

“Were you friends with Mary Tyler Moore?” asks a reader of Richard.

“Yes!” he says.

“Lem…was straight.

We planned the assassination of John F. Kennedy. And we used the…big names behind The Dick Van Dyke Show to…speak about it.

If there’s an Illuminati there was some witchcraft involved.” says George Bush.

“HOW!?” yells Dr. Moritz.

George Bush Senior laughs.

“It’s evil. In a way. …The idea is to make it public. Without making it really public. …It’s extremely complicated.

…On the one hand…we’re testing you all…to see if you know anything. …By placing it in the public eye…you’re making it known to the public if they can connect the dots. …But if they can’t…*he shrugs* well then you’re in luck, in a way. …And yet in a way you’re not. So then you have to study that. …Regardless, outing yourself…using subliminal language…as we did on The Dick Van Dyke Show…was a way of communicating with the public.

Every episode that season is about the Kennedy Administration Crisis. …We explain in coded ways…all of our problems. The reasons why we killed him. Who was involved. How we planned to do it. It’s all there!

…But you know…very few people ever noticed. Consciously. At all! …Very few!” says George Bush Sr..

“Let’s explain every episode briefly!” says Lem.

“Mel reminded us of Lem. Although he was actually attracted to men. …And…his name spelled backwards is Lem. …We felt Lem could date a woman. With proper counseling. And we gave him that…after JFK was shot. …And secretly paid for it. …Mel…is…miserable. A real sourpuss. …He’s faking being happy.

…Anita is reference to Ricky Ricardo. …And that’s an explanation for who’s involved. Fidel Castro was often contacted via Ricky Ricardo. In the CIA. Both Lucy and Desi…were…brilliant. And…they in horror…helped plan the Kennedy Assassination. …Fidel Castro trusted us in part because he knew Desi was going to deliver. He knew Desi would…keep it all…neat as a pin. From start to finish.

Max Calvado is Al Capone, in a way. But he’s also TOM BANKS. …Yes. In the last episode right before the assassination…we refer to Lacey’s FATHER. …THOMAS BANKS. …Why!? Because…he was en league with Louis Hill Junior and his brother Jerome. …And…he was…used by JP Kennedy to help get Jack elected. So…when Jack starts messing-up…like Kenneth. Kenny. …We felt obliged to…let Tom be angry. …Let Tom…take care of it. And that was on behalf of a lot of VERY angry people in the mafia and related criminal communities. …They felt betrayed and lied to by Jack Kennedy. And in conjunction with the CIA and our…need to appease Fidel…to avoid nuclear war…we had to rely on Tom to help us. He was already friends with Lucy and Desi. They knew him. …So we all worked together easily. …He was our guide. To…a great many people and places and aspects of the process.

Would we have anticipated HIS DAUGHTER being LEM BILLINGS’S ‘twin flame’? No. …If there’s reincarnation of course Tom was brilliant and loving enough to shoot Jack just to protect Lacey and Lem as his children. But…there might not be reincarnation. And…it’s…fascinating.

…Tom was…very intelligent! Very intellectual! He was well read. …You were expecting a hoodlum but he was actually fairly…stuffy. Because of his upbringing. Max owns a club? So did Tom. …Tom was dangerous. And very dangerous in the 1920’s. He was NOT someone to get into a fight with.

The Kennedys loved to sail. But they were fools.

Uncle George is my family. Me.

When Lem later talked about his…life choices…it was a reference to From Here to Eternity and the episode ‘Uncle George.’ Thanks to you! …Lem is trying to say he wished he’d dated Old Lady Winkler. Because Sally wasn’t even real. And he’d rather have just been settled down. …And actually belonged to someone. Lived somewhere.

Them all standing around in the kitchen is a reference to the Illuminati. Plotting. We’re cooking-up something in the kitchen. For Uncle George…to…do his thing. We’re setting up Old Lady Liberty.

Who, What, Where is a reference to Lem and Jack. And how they supposedly met. …But we can’t explain Jack’s…behavior. Laura is Jackie Kennedy in that episode. Desperately sad. Wondering where her husband is. Calling people. Crying. Jackie did all of that. …And…our…explanation for Jack’s behavior is that there is none. …A man would have to have temporary amnesia to do what he did. The lying. The double life. The women. …The young woman in that episode is Marilyn Monroe. And her lookalikes.

And similarly…we couldn’t understand Jack’s fascination with minors. …That’s also explored. In the episode with Laura where they decide to get remarried. To make it legal because she lied about her age.

The painting…is…possibly about Lem. He…was…a clown seemingly. A big…clown. But…underneath that…we knew he was possibly something great. He was also very into art.

Who’s Mrs. Billings!? His mother. …She either…worked with us…because she was so desperately scared about her son…or…we imagined her approval. …Could she also be Lacey??? …*He laughs* …Yes. …Slightly. As a parody.

We mentioned shooting in the episode where Robert gets amnesia. That’s no coincidence either. And they were watching a Western on television. A Western. TEXAS!

I’ll stop there. But…the symbols are EVERYWHERE! …It’s…very much…like Stanley Kubrick at his best. Filled with allusion.” he says.

“But it’s not ALL allusion?” says a reader.

“TRUE! …But…we had to maintain plausible deniability.” he says. “It’s all about plausible deniability.”

“Nobody caught on!??” says the reader.

George Bush shakes his head no. “NOPE!” He thinks. “Well…not really.”

“Okay!! See…the way y’all make it sound…I can’t figure out why we give a shit about JFK. …Why is there such a disconnect!?” says a Native American woman.

“Yeah.

Because he’s a menace. Okay? …Lacey’s parents and Lem’s parents possibly literally had him killed. To try to…desperately find some way to save their children. …And we genuinely hated him. …Fidel Castro HATED him. Krushev HATED him. We saw him as a rat. …He was called ‘Rat Face’ at Choate. That was his nickname. They called him ‘Rat Face’.

But…you all…loved the idea. The…beautiful photos. The…studied accent. …He was so smiley. So…cheerful. …And…he made Americans feel young…rich…good-looking…healthy and…good. He seemed so good. …So…you all fell in love with his persona. …And it took on a sort of life of its own. The JFK you all have in your head isn’t the same man we killed. …Does your JFK even exist? Mmm…maybe in Heaven?? …Or maybe…he’s a purely fictional character who you’ll meet like other fictional characters God makes in Heaven to let us be happy.

The man you knew…cheated. But he was not a real narcissist. …He was…clinically depressed. …Probably an alcoholic and drug addict. …Bisexual. …Mostly straight. Lem was his only exception!!! …He was…kind. And…brave. …WISE. And shrewd! …Rarely does he make a mistake! …Why would he cheat? Why would Micheal Rockefeller cheat!? …Genuine sadness? Despondency. Why would he have so many women? Oh! That’s exaggerated!!! …Maybe he was spoiled. Slept with 10. Certainly not 300! …He was sweet! …BRILLIANT. …So WISE!!

In reality JFK almost started nuclear war. …He was linked to the death of MARILYN MONROE. …He…was a TERRIBLE husband. A rapist. A pedophile. A…snake. …He was very narcissistic. Very difficult to work with! …And Fidel Castro felt he was…unbelievably evil. …AN AWFUL PERSON. …And he did lead us closer to Vietnam. …He also caused…a domino effect of destruction on so many other levels. …He’s praised for his economic policies…at times…but…overall those are…mere drops in a bucket. He’s…mediocre at best. One of our worst presidents at best. And…Fidel wanted him dead.” he says.

“We’re going to bed! Goodnight!” says Lem to everyone, taking Lacey with him.