“I’m NOT A JEW”

Casi walks up to Lacey and says, “I’m not a Jew. Stop counting money to try to understand what’s happening.”

“That’s a stereotype.” says Lacey.

“Yes!! But I think it’s somehow true.” says Casi.

Lacey thinks.

“Alright.

Then you’d see this

“That would be my Instagram post.“ says Lacey.

Casi gets confused. Sits down. Cries.

“I stayed up all night. To save Bobby Kennedy Junior.” she says, rubbing her eyes.

“So! Why are you copying me?” asks Lacey.

“To be…fuckable to a Kennedy.” says Casi. “I think.”

“Is that what it is?” says Alisha.

“Lacey! Do you drive!?” says Kasey.

“No. And yes.

I died at 38. Mark has preserved my life. And ruined it both.” says Lacey. “Before I died I’d have been an art historian who drove.”

“Worth how much!??” says Kasey.

“$200,000.” says Lacey.

“Are you friends with the Dayton family?” says Casi.

Lacey thinks. “I know them. Somewhat.”

“They are JEWS.” says Casi.

“I don’t think so.

But…whatever.

They’re very nice.” says Lacey. “I think.”

“What did you get for Valentine’s Day this year!?” asks Casi.

“What do I say? I’m dead. I died from a heart attack. Four years ago.” says Lacey.

“Why!?” says Kasey.

“Because I was violently neglected. …And I had an undiagnosed thyroid disorder. So…in my late 30’s I just…tried to lose weight…and died. I went from a size 4 to a size 8. And then died.” says Lacey.

“What did you think it was!?” says Casi.

“Aging.” says Lacey.

“Oh! You’re with Lem!” says Casi.

“Yes.” says Lacey. “So…let’s move on.”

“Okay!

But…what would you have had as a Valentine’s Day in 2019!?” says Casi.

Lacey thinks. “Not much?? A date? A blind date. …That’s it.”

“He’s handsome?” says Casi.

“He’s very handsome. He’s younger than me. In his…mid 20’s. He volunteers at the art museum. Where I work. In Minneapolis.” says Lacey.

“How well does it go!?” says Kasey.

“Umm…he’s probably just too young.” says Lacey.

“Oh YOU THINK!?” yells Kasey.

“Well…one never knows. …Some 20-something men can be very nice. …” says Lacey.

“Lacey I’m calling a spade a spade you-you act like a British aristocrat so you were trying to put me on a date last night with Saoirse if I actually tried to have sex with her but if I didn’t you were trying to make sure that it was weird so that it would be clear that you just got confused.” says Bobby to Lacey.

“Yes, except I actually do think it’s completely psychotic because it is.” says Lacey.

Awkward silence.

“She’s right.” says Lucretia.

Awkward silence.

“What happened to the young man who you dated?” asks Kasey.

“ I think he’s doing well. I think he ended up marrying someone who’s obviously closer to his age but I think it or he’s dating someone seriously now.” says Lacey.

“DO YOU GET TO YOUR POINT!??” yells Israel.

“Thank you!” says Lacey to Israel.

“Lacey Jews count money!” says Casi.

“Yes but they’re still clear that the Torah doesn’t actually allow for incest or pedophilia and it doesn’t. I guarantee it!!” says Lacey.

“We’re good at counting!” says a Jewish man in Israel.

“Lacey they’re thinking of like Kabbalah type stuff.” says Benjamin Netanyahu.

“But that’s not really Judaism. It is potentially in a way, but I would take it as sort of like mysticism in Christianity. So you might gain some insight or you might not but it’s not really the religion.” says Lacey.

“YES.” says Benjamin Netanyahu.

“FUCK!!” yells Prince William.

“Okay.” says Benjamin Netanyahu. “Be safe, Will!”

Will cries.

“What was Geli like?” Benjamin Netanyahu asks Lacey.

“You know confusing. I really liked her.

She felt like a woman who could read my mind in a way that I have not experienced but I also I’m not sure that we’re friends, but I would love to be her friend in Heaven. She’s a very fascinating person, but I don’t think I would probably make assumptions about her.” says Lacey.

“Did she seem anti-Semitic?” says Benjamin Netanyahu.

“I don’t know. I hope she’s gotten rid of whatever evil is in her heart, but I don’t know. It’s like I’m saying I would not make assumptions about her but I did like her. I did I did like her to a certain degree especially the more I talked to her. But I did like her as a person.” says Lacey.

“I may have talked to her too.” says Benjamin Netanyahu.

Awkward silence.

“Alright well I’m not sure if you have something to say anymore not yourself.” says Lem.

“If I did talk to her, she seemed simple.” says Benjamin Netanyahu.

“She might’ve been putting you on. To me she seemed very clever.” says Lacey.

“How clever!?” says another Jew in Israel.

“Extremely clever, extremely clever!” says Lacey.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” says Benjamin Netanyahu to Lacey.

“That she arranged for Palestine to exist? You know she might have. She might’ve outsmarted you. I don’t know, but-but I’m not reiterating things so please stop harassing me, even if I really do care about you all a lot on a very personal level as a country.” says Lacey.

“I think Lacey is buried somewhere over here and she does care about you and you’re gonna have to just drop it because she’s not reiterating her opinions and you are trying to find a way to create a Palestinian state. If that upsets you too bad potentially! You’ll have to find a way to defend your country without keeping another country from existing.” says the UK.

“Quit playing games!!” yells God at Israel.

“Lacey, Bobby is dumb as fuck and I have to deal with that bastard.” says Israel.

“I know, and he controls their food supply. I am hopeful, but boy I am ready for everyone to just die.” says Lem.

“He has very smart ideas. Lacey and I were talking with him today and she was giving him some suggestions about food supply issues with her and farms and raw milk. She actually agrees with him about raw milk. She thinks that it’s probably pretty safe and she’d drink it. What she knows is that it has to be from a very clean and safe farm. And this is where the Nesheims were genuinely elite! You see…they drink raw milk all the time that was how they survived the Great Depression but not everyone farms like an aristocratic Norwegian and she knows that.” says President Donald Trump.

I am sorry that you’re stuck with him and that he’s totally batshit crazy.” says an American.

“Thank you.” says President Donald Trump.

“Did he attach himself to you guys like a parasite, after it became clear that you were going to be successful?” asks Israel.

“Yes he did. I’m sorry to have to say this, but yes, he’s not native to the to the Republican Party and I actually am very annoyed by him often.” says President Donald Trump. “I am not either, but I was and I am an extraordinarily rich businessman. Bobby is not.”

“Lacey what if Bobby followed you when you decided to take Donald Trump so seriously?” says a psychic.

“I wasn’t aware of that.” says Lacey.

“But you were sleeping with my uncle Joe!” says Bobby.

“Bobby that was called a normal adult consensual relationship and I know you probably haven’t had one of those. They’re very different than what you’ve experienced.” says an American Millennial woman.

“Bobby unless if they were together for eternity I don’t think you could count on her being your aunt in this realm that the Illuminati is in. You probably needed to think that she was like an aunt to you, but not treat her like she’s some sort of bank for you to go steal money from every second.” says Kasey Johnson.

“Lacey I don’t understand what your father did.” says Princess Kate.

“Did you know he was following you around?” says Israel to Lacey.

“She had absolutely no idea and she is my eternal other half and it is very creepy how they’re treating her like they treated me and it has nothing to do with the fact that we’re together. They don’t know that in their conscious mind and yet they treated me very similarly to how they’re treating her.” says Lem.

“I did not know. No!!!???” says Lacey.

“What did I do? I’ll tell you.” says Thomas Banks. “You couldn’t be my daughter, but you’d be surprised by how similar I might seem to your father.” he says to Princess Kate. “I was a businessman first and foremost from a wealthy business family. My father had the first general store in Nebraska in the 1800s remember? I was born in 1894 so they had the first general store in Nebraska in Lexington.” 

“Sweetie she was never a prostitute or a sex fiend. If it seems like that, I think that was someone’s imagination of her and this is facts. This is actually who he really was guarantee it.” says James Spader.

Later.

“That’s IT. Hopefully that’s okay??” says Lady Lacey.

“So if there’s reincarnation, this is Scotland’s expert opinion?” says Benjamin Netanyahu.

“Yes, I slice it right there. The part next to Egypt is Palestine and the whole area up including the West Bank is all Israel.” says Lady Lacey.

“So you’re giving the Jews, Tel Aviv, the West Bank and Jerusalem?” says a Jew.

“Yes because that’s how you cut up a country. To me that’s just common sense. I have a colonialist way of thinking and I’m trying to take responsibility for what my country did. I’m just cutting you up! I’m giving you a good solid portion of land that isn’t all cross-eyed.” says Lacey.

“I actually kind of like this idea we get Be’er Sheva. We get Petra. We’re right next to Egypt. We get the ocean. We get all of the Gaza Strip, obviously. I I actually really like it potentially.” says Palestine.

“That makes me nervous!” says Benjamin Netanyahu.

“Because you’re thinking that they’re gonna they’re going to sneak around in the West Bank and then suffocate you?” says Lacey.

“YEAH!!” he says.

She takes a deep breath. “They probably will and then that’s where you kill them!” says Lacey.

“Well obviously only if we’re there though. You can’t come over to Palestine to kill us in the West Bank.” says Palestine to Israel.

“Yeah I just think it’s dumb as fuck the way the whole thing has been cut up into pieces. Who the hell did this shit?” says Lacey.

“And so we will have to be neighbors with Egypt now.” says Palestine.

“You know you were before or are you too young to remember that?” says Lacey.

“I’m too young to remember that.” says Palestine.

“I think you’ll be OK when it comes to adjusting. It wasn’t that long ago.” says Lacey like he’s deaf.

A moment.

“Quit antagonizing them. They’ve given up a lot of land they’ve been living in the West Bank that’s their home. And now they have to move next to Egypt and try to make that work. I’ll have to check into that just a second.” says Lacey to Israel.

A moment.

“I checked out the land and it looks like everything is just dandy. I think there’s enough nice places for Palestine next to Egypt that they could probably live quite comfortably and then there’s a nice little area with the Gulf of Aqaba.” says Lacey.

“She’s right it actually is really nice.” says Palestine.

“So you’ll just have to leave all your houses. I’m completely fucking serious. No…and then you get to have all of the homes in the West Bank. Literally you’d have to clear out all the stuff out of all of your homes. This is what I was demanding! Take all of your furniture, all of your possessions, put them into the trucks and then come up to the West Bank. This is what I’m demanding.” says Lady Lacey to Israel.

“And then we just switch houses?” says Israel.

“Yeah. Yep! It’s just you’re going to switch houses and stop killing each other!!

GROW THE FUCK UP!!!” yells Lacey.

“OK you’re telling us to take our things politely mind our own business and then just do this and if we don’t we’re childish?” says Israel.

“To be honest yes. I’m sorry. I’ve been saying that I don’t understand why you over complicate things, to be honest. I’ve been quite clear, possibly.” says Lady Lacey.

“You guys were so terrible about this idea?” says Princess Kate.

“It’s extraordinarily bizarre.” says Israel.

“And then that’s where you have to grow up. If you’re going to molest children and bomb their faces off then don’t expect me to take your concerns about the bizarre remotely seriously!!” yells Lacey.

“She is right actually.” says God.

Donald Trump’s family laughs. “Bobby has been giving them the idea that the Scotia thing was just about her trying to fuck him. They didn’t realize that Lem Billings was actually straight and that if there’s reincarnation she really is Scotia.” they say.

“I actually like your idea. I just I love the fact that you give us all of that land, that we can get undisputed West Bank, undisputed Jerusalem, undisputed Tel Aviv but I will miss the southern part of what part of what has been Israel.” says Benjamin Netanyahu.

“Yeah but you know it gets a little weird. That part, that part near Egypt does not feel like it should belong Israel to be honest it’s creepy.” says Lacey.

“Creepy how?” says Benjamin Netanyahu.

“You know how she meant it. Quit stalling. You’re a bullshit artist. And you’re not as conservative as you pretend to be. You’ve been in bed with the dirty Americans who are pedophiles and you’re just scared as fuck because of what she’s saying. But it is absolute common sense, all of it!” says Palestine.

“You know she’s right. The whole world has gone batshit crazy since the Kennedys took over and I’m beginning to wonder if you’re just in bed with them and you’re a useless little fuck.” says the entire Middle East to Benjamin Netanyahu.

“ listen if you’re actually as tough as you guys pretend to be you’ll be fine you have the West Bank you have a lot of land. It’s not poor it’s not cut up you’ve got Jerusalem you’ve got Tel Aviv you got Nazareth you’re just losing that southern part near Egypt. that’s very barren and many spots, there’s a lot of national parks there but those parks are really not is Railey the word Jews that lives there but it doesn’t seem Israeli to me it could be Jewish but I don’t think it’s necessarily is Railey and you know I’m sorry that someone sent you after the holocaust to a hell hole situation with and that’s where you guys do you have to grow up and just deal with the reality of it your Jews you wanted Zion you wanted your country you’ve got it you’ve got it baby you got it live there be happy bomb the shit out of Egypt use nuclear you nuke the fuck out of all of Egypt and Palestine but do Egypt first if you get really angry kill all of Egypt as quickly as possible yeah, every little less bit of us just blow the shit out of us. Make sure there’s absolutely no Egypt left just blow us to smithereens with nukes hard-core nukes all of Egypt. I am completely serious. All of Egypt just blow us up really throw listen to the grounds, there’s not not a single fucking Egyptian alive because I know better I really do and if there’s a problem I want all of Egypt hundred percent dead you kill all of Egypt hundred percent no casualties. Oh no casualties if you do casualties I will personally make you regret it for all of eternity in Christ.” says Lacey. “ no you don’t. You don’t kill us in Paris in a car you blow us up you blow us completely up you level Egypt first! I want you to blow us into pieces all of us every fucking one of us. If you invade our country, I will destroy you if I have to. and then you’ve got a little portion of land to yourself called Palestine. It’s a pretty name for a tough country!!” yells Lacey.

“ oh, OK.” says Israel.

“ and then after they blow up all of Egypt, I have every little last bit of you all all of you just totally obliterated so that there’s no humans left at all anywhere in Egypt who are alive? Then what?” says Palestine.

“ then they can kill all of you with whatever they have left him so with whatever bombs they have left from killing us first they kill all of you.” says Lacey to Palestine.

“ oh, OK.” says Israel.

“ yeah and then that’s where you’re supposed to be good people and not be full of shit!!” she yells at both of them.

“ I think the whole transportation of stuff is overwhelming to us psychologically but to perfectly honest with you it is possible that we could really just do something like that. It would be a mass exodus of Jews, a max exodus of Palestinians and obviously we would have to do it ourselves because we don’t trust the UN, or any other country lame up do you expect us to just walk past each other that’s where it’s raining bunkbeds and not and not kill each other?” says Israel.

“Whatever gave you that idea, darling?!” says Lem.

“ I don’t think it’s quite that weird people move all the time people sell their houses and move. If this is done peacefully you just put your stuff in the truck. You drive it yourself and you just move.” says Lady Lacey.

“ who’s gonna give us the money to give to people to buy the trucks?” says Israel.

“ the billionaires of the world are going to donate the money. How much do you need?” says Lacey.

“ how about $1 billion?” he says.

“ OK cool they can they can come on they can scrape together $1 billion.” says Lacey.

“ yeah all all the billionaires can donate but I don’t know who 100 hundred million or so or 50 million 20 million yeah from all over the world people do shit like that nowadays let’s do it.” says Lem.

“ I really don’t think you’ll have that hard of a time coming up with $1 billion.” says Lacey.

“ you know I just wanna point out that if there is reincarnation I take this personally you did the holocaust because of Jack Kennedy and now Lacey is here trying to figure out how to help us through telepathy. Will you try to fuck her over that Kennedy family is the scum of the Earth.” says Israel.

“ I would agree, but I’m trying to be nice to them.” says Palestine.

“ i’m just in love with Pat Wilson, you guys calm down!” says Joe.

“ listen I think you could logistically do it. It just Hass to be done as a triumphs in good faith and you just have to sort of logistically calm down and do it peacefully not over period of years though pull the Band-Aid quick people will scream but I think it Hass to be done and in about a year to year and a half and I think you’ll have you done within about a year to year and a half and yeah Elon Musk will probably keep a track will probably want to keep track of everybody but he’s very busy poor man Mark Zuckerberg might keep an eye on everyone he could probably do that pretty easily yeah so Mark Zuckerberg definitely keep an eye on all of you and figure out the location of everybody. How is everybody within both countries and arguably probably give that information to both countries to make sure that everyone’s crossing the borders nobody’s lingering that everyone is where they should be, yeah and then you’d have to actually make sure that that’s safe information and you could test it or you could test to make sure that that was the information he’s giving you is good information and then that’s where Palestine will have to have that information just give them to them for free if necessary so I would say give them if necessary. Palestine‘s gonna have to be given probably from China. I don’t know. Yeah look up 1 millions at least just to have that does the technology to to keep track of everyone and then they’ll have to rely on the rest, the Middle East and alliances that they have to be smart about what you’re doing with that technology.” says Lacey.

“ hi I completely agree with you. I think this makes complete sense so so will keep track of the Jews they’ll keep track of us and since this is just a dispute over land what’s the problem?” says Iran.

“ yeah but let’s be honest it is over the land to some degree. I mean we do have bodies, so I think the land does matter.” says Lacey.

“ yeah she’s right there a lot of Jews. He’ll be relieved to just have his roof without any question no visitations it’s just Israel so they don’t get any part of his role at all?” says Israel.

“no I’ve made that pretty fucking clear you get Israel. I like the name Israel being or skews me. I like the name Drews and being in Israel I like it it’s pretty I’m sorry I don’t think Islam needs Jerusalem. I think it’s kind of just dumb or weird or something.” says Lacey.

“ no she’s right it is a little weird. OK that’s fine. No that’s cool we got beer Sheva we do. We have beer Sheva.” says Palestine.

“ no no in Tel Aviv is very Jewish to that’s fine that’s cool it’s kind of a dumb name. But that’s that’s Jewish that’s cool Tel Aviv it’s like television Aviv where is the the spring of television?” says Lacey.

“ the Gaza Strip is no longer the Gaza Strip. We’re not gonna call it that will probably leave beer Sheva’s beer Sheva obviously I don’t know what we’re gonna call it. It’s difficult to lose the West Bank but because we were so used to being neighbors with the country next to us and then that’s where she’s kicking her ass you know you do really she’s kicking our ass and your ass both, the Palestinians aren’t bitching about it.” says Palestine.

“ are you suggesting that you’re more men than us and this whole time you’ve been waiting for her to show up put us in our place tell us that Tel Aviv is stupid but not really and she’s rather intrigued and confused by it and then you get all of a huge portion of the of the ocean, according to us, and all those national parks that we completely lose, almost entirely lose access to the gulf of Aqaba?” says Israel.

“You are making them feel very bad about themselves right now.” says Lacey to Israel.



“ yeah, you’ve lost the gulf of Aqaba completely.” says Palestine.

“ is that the Dead Sea though that you have Israel that’s awfully nice it’s a Dead Sea now though I don’t know what the fuck would be up there anymore.” says Lacey.

“ but the Internet was closed off from her house, so she just dropped her act and started talking as herself whether there’s reincarnation or not.” says a trans woman.

“ no, I mean it’s a dead sea. Are there even fish in there?” says Lacey.

“ not necessarily all that much.” says Israel.

“ why do you want it? Do you use it for salt?” says Lacey.

“ yes, we do we do!” says a Jewish woman.

“ OK cool if you’re using it to torture children by suffocating them assault, I will literally find all of you and I will torture you in the afterlife and make you regret it in Christ.” says Lacey.

“ are we friends Lacey?” says a Jewish woman.

“ no we’re comrades in the arms of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints doing boogie with Bobby.” says Lacey.

Mark Zuckerberg laughs.

“ you guys I think that was a drug reference but not. I think she saying we’re communist but that’s absurd and so it’s like we’re just hanging out but not really?” says Bill Gates. “ how interested are you people in this if this is real, I actually would kind of fancy the idea of giving a little money.”

“ oh, I’m listening. Don’t worry I’m listening.” says Donald Trump.

“ She did sleep with Donald Trump Junior, but she’s not with him anymore.” explains Lem.

Palestine nods.

“ but Harold Loeb had a star cut sapphire engagement ring that he never got a chance to give her.” says Israel.

“ is that a cut that hasn’t been invented in the living world?” says a Jewish woman.

“ yes it is. Yeah, my mothers family are the Guggenheims so we’ve done some experimenting with cutting of stones. One of us was fascinated by that and yeah, I invented a star cut sapphire for her that was exquisite but I never got a chance to give it to her actually, I wasn’t sure if it was a sapphire or a blue diamond, but she may never get it but she did have that in the conversation someone interrupted her and it got nasty.” says Harold Loeb.

“ Where were you when that happened? Harold?” says Benjamin Netanyahu.

“ we were sitting in her living room on her sofa near the fireplace. It was late at night they were talking to each other.” says Harold.

“ I think you might’ve just blown it, Harold.” says Israel.

“ you know I didn’t, though I was interrupted and she knows that I was I did blow it, but I was also interrupted.” says Harold.

“ who interrupted it was Lem?” says Israel.

“ it was, it was me that I was being given grace because it actually wasn’t just be there was evil involved, but God is merciful and use that evil to allow me to get a chance to get my moment to talk to her. I’ve been totally silenced.” says Lem.

“ thank you for telling us that Lem.” says Palestine.

“ this is sick!” says a Jewish woman.

“ it’s extraordinarily sick. It’s one of the sicker things I’ve ever seen in humanity.” says God.

Later.

“Do you want to do something for the Nesheim family?” says Mike Craft.

Awkward silence.

“GIVE ME SHELLY!! FOR A DATE!!” says Mike.

“Shelly your first wife?” says the CIA.

“YOU BET!!!” yells Mike.

Jim, the father who raised Lacey, rolls his eyes.

“Jim what’s so weird about that?” says the CIA.

“Well…it’s mundane. But…that’s fine.” says Jim.

“No! I’m her father.” says Tom Banks.

Lacey nods.

Later.

“Saoirse was the love of my life.” says Bobby.

“OK Bobby tell us more about that.” says a woman in the Illuminati.

“Umm…it’s private I don’t really wanna talk about it.” says Bobby.

Later.

“So Benjamin Netanyahu was just possessed by JFK’s spirit and we can’t tell if he’s trying to help us or if he’s in league with Bobby in a way, that’s not really kosher and would suggest that he’s sort of a fraud.” says Palestine.

“That’s OK!” says Iran.

“You know it’s really not though because we need to make an agreement.” says Palestine.

“I’m not ready to let go of this yet. I’m sorry.” says JFK.

“Let go of what Jack?” says the CIA.

“Every time there fighting in the Middle East people think of me and wish that I was alive and could help save them and I’m not so I get to ride around in Israel and feel very sexy and loved.” says JFK.

“You guys this is not far-fetched her-her mind is amazing and this is actually probably exactly what’s happening. Like she’s like a spiritual journalist in a way so just try to think of her as like not an awful evil stupid idiot, or JFK reincarnated, and just try to imagine that this is actually what he is saying to you.” says a woman in California who’s Jewish.

A 5 foot 10 male ghost in a tweed jacket walks through Lacey’s wall where the picture fell.

“Now just find a way to get Shelly here by tonight!” says Mike Craft.

“Is that you having an aristocratic, pretentious, fake sense of humor!?” yells Bobby Kennedy Junior seriously at Mike Craft.

“Do you understand the humor at all?” says Mike.

“I’m sorry what do you say peasant bitch!?” says Bobby.

“Oh my God! OH my God! I can’t believe Bobby just said that! HOLY SHIT!! …Holy shit!” says one of his friends using witchcraft to make it seem REALLY SUPER SUPER HURTFUL.

“I’m not hurt. I’m confused.” says Mike Craft.

“No, you’re not! You sound like Lacey and that’s conspiracy!” yells the entire Kennedy family.

“How the hell would that be a conspiracy? I am her legal uncle.” says Mike Craft.

Lacey fights to clear her throat.

“You know Bobby maybe it’s time to pack up that idea that Lem loved you in any sort of special way at all.” says God.

Later.

Lacey gets mad at Jesus over a hypothetical woman named Ashley. Benjamin Netanyahu empathizes with her the whole time, backing up her side of the argument.

“She hasn’t really heard my side of things.” says Jesus.

Bobby tries to suffocate her.

“That’s why I wasn’t responding. I knew he’d physically attack her.” says Bobby.

“Thank you for leading us to where you buried the bodies Bobby.” says Israel.