“I’m Him” by Lem

Alright. I’m going to communicate in a different way.

Lacey is one of the more intelligent people alive. But she doesn’t know that about herself, and so she lacks confidence in trusting herself.

When she guessed that she was hearing from me, and that I am real about three years ago, she was right. I am a ghost. I’m not a demon. She’s not involved in the occult. I am around her all of the time, and I have been since we were teenagers together because I became a teenager in my spirit to try to interact with her when she was a teenager. I am a ghost. This is real.

I am so incredibly tired of people questioning whether or not what she’s hearing from me is real, is me, is accurate because she tries so hard to figure out if what she’s hearing is real or not and she makes very few mistakes. I am not the most verbally gifted person. I am a lot better with numbers. I am not who you think I am.

I was very artistic, but I also went to business school at Harvard, and I was exceptionally good at what I did when it came to money. That is not the person you imagine. Be honest!

I don’t give two fucking shits what Bobby thanks but if there’s an Illuminati his opinion has been shoved down my throat, as has the opinion of dozens of gay men. And I don’t enjoy it. I can guarantee you 100%, God’s honest truth: I am not homosexual right now. And you you know what that’s going to make some of you really nervous because you’re going to wonder if you’ll cease to exist if you die and don’t go to Hell. And what sickens me is that instead of realizing that it’s in your own selfish best interest to take what she’s saying seriously because it would suggest that I am straight now because I always was…you keep hyperventilating and freaking out and trying to argue that she’s full of it somehow. Yeah, that’s sad. Because what if it isn’t allowed in Heaven? What if I was attracted to men and now I’m not anymore? You know that’s a real concern. …But God understands my heart, and he understands Lacey’s heart too. And he knows that what we’re really angry about is the depravity of people. You should be more concerned about yourself than you are. If there is an Illuminati it is in your best interest, and it was in your best interest to take what she’s saying so much more seriously.

See she’s found me attractive and had a crush on me since she was a teenager. And she doesn’t find men who are not attracted to women arousing ever. So that really should probably be a concerning thing to you, but it’s not if I’m talking to real people and not just demons tormenting us. Because I am a real ghost, whether you’re a demon or not. And you should probably realize that she’s not an idiot for five fucking seconds and process what she’s actually saying to you. Even if I was attracted to Bobby and I wasn’t, but even if I was, that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t attracted to women as well. I could easily have been in love with Jack, or I could easily have just thought it was dishonorable to be with women. And it’s astounding to me and her both how many people are still so backward, when it comes to bisexuality.

How do you people not understand when a man who calls himself straight wants a brojob as you call it he’s not straight. Unless if a man is confused or experimenting, he’s not straight. And I mean genuinely experimenting. There is no such thing as a brojob.

And this concept that apparently predominates the gay community that oral sex and hand jobs replace anal penetration is pathetic. The truth is a vagina feels better than anything. And gay men have been lying about that now for decades. If you don’t like a vagina, it’s probably because you’re not attracted to the woman or you’re not attracted to women in general. But if you put a vagina on a gay man and made it gay, that’s all they would ever do. You wouldn’t want anal sex you wouldn’t want oral sex you would want hand jobs you don’t think straight men can get those too…and they don’t usually like them and you dumb fucks think that that doesn’t mean anything and then you write shit articles about it in GQ. The sad truth is if you’re gay, your sex is not going to be as good as a stray person’s. And if it’s allowed in Heaven God obviously fixes that when you die. Or if it’s not allowed in Heaven, you will cease to be gay. Isn’t that common sense? But let’s be honest, you’ve been lying about it.

Hand jobs blow jobs are not as good as mutual penetration so to speak. But there’s no way to do that when you’re gay there really is it not easily. Not like in heterosexuality. And if you were more honest about that, the world would be a much better place right now.  I actually wasn’t gay. I was heterosexual. And a gay man actually a bisexual man. I want to call him gay but Lacey insists on calling him bisexual and I respect that because that is what he really technically was. Anyway a gay man ruined my entire life. And I had forgiven the gay community because it was a gay priest who molested me and confused me when I was 13 and it was Bobby, who is not straight himself who made my last years a living hell, I had forgiven you people then I watched how you’ve treated her and I can’t just can’t stand you people anymore at all! Like why are you all so fucking arrogant? 

Just admit it you have unfulfilling sex because there’s no great way to fuck each other. Just stop talking about that. You’re able to survive and sexually manage but I think it screws you up. Because I don’t think mutual masturbation is ever going to be as fulfilling as you want it to be. And I don’t think oral sex is as mine blowing as you imagine it is. and you can’t just penetrate your husband whenever you want. You have to prep for it and then you have to deal with the fact that you’re fucking his asshole where his shit comes out. But you still want him in a way that you don’t want anybody else and those feelings are real and I know that because I wasn’t one of you I was not homosexual at all. At all! There is an explanation for everything that I lived through and everything that I did, and everything that I said, and everything that happened. I can explain it to you and it’s all real! i’m not lying I’m not faking it, and there actually isn’t any evidence that would ever suggest that what I’m saying isn’t true.

Truth be told there is pretty much no way anybody couldn’t probably come back and claim to be a different orientation and they pretended to be or thought they were and be pretty convincing about it because it’s not impossible for almost anyone. There are some people who probably demonstrated their orientation so dramatically that it would be very hard to take them seriously if they ever said that they were something else. And I am actually one of those people! But it’s not what you think it is surprise surprise! I probably could’ve written 10 million love letters to Jack and had what seemed to be a great sex with him because that’s possible. Lacey is someone who is capable of having sex with a woman and faking the entire thing, but she would never do it because she’d be too disgusted by the all the whole entire concept and that actually is exactly why brojobs don’t exist. But she could act, and if she was a spy, she could fake it because that’s her psychology. She’s cold as ice and has incredible control over her brain when she needs or wants to be. But that’s different than actually enjoying it, or doing it in a real way. She could never do it in a real way and it’s very complex and I probably confused you and I don’t have the patience right now to explain but essentially she’s a brilliant actress and so she could get away with something like that but it’s not something she could ever do in reality so to speak. And that’s the thing. I could have done that myself, and been confused. I was actually a pretty good actor myself. A lot of the reason why you think I was gay is because I was really good at imitating people which people have said something about but no one’s analyzed that apparently. Also, you’ve concocted these ideas that I was experiencing all these emotions that I was never experiencing.

I was not a gay man, but I was confused and I did say things at times that were very bizarre but they were bizarre. They either weren’t meant to be taken seriously or if they were they were taken the wrong way or I was confused about why I was feeling things that I was feeling and I had a suggestion, or I had an idea about something that wasn’t really based on what I actually thought it was just based on the concepts that I had in my head. I never thought that gay men were friends, but I thought they were really interesting people. I never really had a gay male friend. You have assumed that I had all these gay male friends? I didn’t. I imitated a gay man, and that gay man was whoever I saw in magazines or in pornographic pieces. I was not imitating in any sort of way that really made sense, however. And I was mostly just confused. You want me to say I was gay and she’s just channeling me right now she’s not thinking through any of those. She’s just letting me use her mouse in a way that’s basically like a psychic medium who would be an expert there’s very few people who can let anything take their body over the way that she is right now at and still Have as much control over themselves as she manages to have and that’s very unusual but she’s used to it. Do you wanna know how? No you don’t know you don’t wanna know how because if I told you, you’d know that I was straight.

I would love to confide heartbreaking things in you about my current love life but the fact that I am dead and she’s stuck in a horrific situation that she’s handling brilliantly but I don’t feel comfortable doing that because I don’t see you you’re not my friends. I did not have gay, male friends, and I’ve said that before remember? She makes very few mistakes in interpreting me and I’m using her voice right now and she’s not controlling it at all. You want her to be controlling it because that comforts you doesn’t it a lot but it’s not real. I am an actual ghost Bobby is confused. He doesn’t really have any evidence that suggests that I was gay. I know if there’s an illuminati he was behind that most recent article in the daily mail. And it was a stupid article. It barely made any sense. I have explanations for why I paid that little twerp so much attention but it’s very hard for me to explain that if she’s doing what she’s doing right now, I could explain it to you, but this is hard for her to do not because she’s not capable of it because there are demons attacking her right now trying to separate her from me and so she can’t she can’t control Who she’s allowing to use her voice they’re trying you’re trying if you exist and they’re trying to get her to say things that I’m not saying do you want me to tell you that I was homosexual. I wasn’t a homosexual. I was not a homosexual! I was actually I had a sexual I was heterosexual. She’s trying to say bisexual right now and it’s almost making her pass out. If I was bisexual, it’s devastating to a lot of gay people that I’ve let that go because they’re very bitter about a lot of things. But that’s not what’s happening what’s happening is that I was a heterosexual, and I was not aware of what was going on. so why would I even entertain the idea of bisexuality just to give you perspective just to allow you to realize that the way that you’re handling this is very stupid for your own good.

Homosexual sex is not as fulfilling physically as heterosexual sex. But you’re stuck being homosexual aren’t you? So why don’t you approach that that way instead of lying about it and creating confusion and animosity? I don’t understand the way you think because I’m not really like you and I resent the fact that you expect me to understand. I don’t understand your perspective because I’ve never experienced your perspective. I have no great insight into what it’s like to be gay. And neither does she! But you keep expecting both of us to understand you we don’t neither of us are like that. I am not homosexual! I never was! When I posed for the photo in the last blog post, the idea was to advertise that I would be on the receiving end of something. But Jack never really did that and I’ve been recorded as saying almost that verbatim. and that actually is almost entirely true. But in that photo I look like I was on the receiving end. And that makes no sense. But I didn’t realize that because I wasn’t actually a homosexual. I had no idea what I was doing. I didn’t imitate just one gay man I didn’t imitate an ideal. I imitated a whole host of different people with different personalities and I never internalized any of them. I had a very weird gay persona because it wasn’t just me and it wasn’t just anybody it was just still a lot of different people with different personalities and different interests. It didn’t really make sense! That’s because I didn’t understand how to integrate them all into one cohesive person. Because to some degree, they all looked the same to me and I didn’t know enough to know that they weren’t really cohesive because I didn’t have that experience. I didn’t have the perspective and there wasn’t an Internet, so I just came up with a very scattered personality.

See that’s proof right there. That’s very hard to argue with and you’re not arguing with it which is pathetic you should be. But you know the most compelling piece of evidence that I shared with her by the way, she didn’t think of it herself. I told her I told her when we were in Duluth and I was able to do that because I’m a ghost and it’s actually a lot easier to manifest there than it is here. and I told her about the fact that when I was at the wedding, I smiled too much. And she didn’t know what I meant until the other night but I am a ghost, and I anticipated what she was going to experience to some degree although not completely. And she doesn’t understand completely even know how definitive that actually is because she doesn’t have enough confidence in her own mind. There is really no human way possible for me to have been that happy at his wedding the emotional set that I had that day, the smiling that I did the way that I smiled like that…it’s completely impossible, emotionally speaking. I mean…it’s completely impossible. I was sad…but not in the right way. AND…I just was TOO HAPPY. …Some people can force themselves to smile better than others…but…nobody could have forced that much real joy…on that day in that situation. It’s impossible. …And the only two explanations are that it wasn’t me. Or that I was straight. That’s all. …That was me.

Everything else flows from that. But there is no piece of information. There is nothing that you could bring up that would contradict what I just said I’m sorry, but I am a very unusually intelligent person and I’m dead and I have a lot of time on my hands and I figured out that that was absolute proof that I was straight And that there was nothing anyone could really say about it. because nobody has analyzed that moment. And or if they have they vandalized it incorrectly and claimed that I was crying or that I was sad and I may have cried, but it wasn’t over Jack. It was because my whole life was changing and I realized that I had very little time left and very little to look forward to. being gay was not working out particularly well. And not because homosexual sex is so shabby, because I wasn’t gay. But I smiled far too much for anything other than a heterosexual. And actually, I would argue that her claim is even a stronger one and she knows that possibly I am not sad in the right way. I am sad but I’m not sad in the right way. It’s not in my face it’s not in my eyes. It’s just not there and people do not respect her analysis but she’s right it’s not in my face. There’s a very specific look that people get when they’re hurt romantically and you’re not used to seeing it apparently but it’s a very specific look. It’s funny because you register it. If you were to see it, you would instantly have known that I was hurt. And you assume that I could hide that? No! There was no way for me to hide that emotion. I didn’t have it! Read Fay looks very hurt in that particular way, possibly. and it’s funny, because no one ever talks about him even though he wrote a book that was so homosexual and makes Lacey crack up laughing. What what I am sharing, though really is absolute complete truth and there really is no way that you could argue with it. And I’m just gonna let that sink in and let her absorb that because I don’t think she has.

Later.

Lacey put away some laundry and got herself some food and I am pretty sure she’s realizing that there’s no way I wasn’t straight. She has been withholding my anger for three years. I am a far more aggressive and rude and angry person then she is lead on.

“Does it bother you and Lacey that we don’t have good times?” says a gay man. 

Yes…very much so. Very much so.

“I don’t think it’s any worse than what you guys are experiencing.” he says. 

Well, there are two things first of all I’m an old man and so I’m not gonna give you the response that she thinks I would give you and so what I’m gonna say to you is that if it’s not allowed in Heaven it is worse. Because what we have is ultimately far more fulfilling than anything you would be able to do in your current form. That being said, I would bet that it’s probably better than what we have to deal with.

Goodnight.