“ I was desperate?” says Gloria.
“Yes. I’m sorry, but you’re not as beautiful as some people. And you seem desperate to be recognized as something other than that. It’s pathetic. But at the same time, there’s something remarkably beautiful about you and you’re sort of one-of-a-kind. You’re a very unusual person.” says Lacey.
Gloria cries. “ you do not deserve this life!” she says.
“ why are you so desperate to be something more than who you are? It’s funny because it does make you beautiful in some very deep way, but I don’t understand why you were.” says Lacey.
“ because I was very ambitious aspirational.” says Gloria.
“ that’s unusual for a woman were you really that aspirational?” says Lacey.
“ yes!” she says happily.
“ it’s funny that you knew that would make me happy.” says Lacey.
“ he was a rotten man, but I really did love him. I really did!” says Gloria.
“ was he capable of loving people or just faking it?” says Lacey.
“ no he would fake it 40 to 60% of the time, and then the rest of the time he was sincere and that was how he got away with it was that that small amount of time that he was in see her he really was sincere and he wasn’t like his sons. You’re right he might’ve been a little bit like Joe, but he was and Bobby but he was very good-looking and very smart and tall enough and I just thought he was really impressive.” says Gloria.
“ I wonder if you knew him better than most people.” says Lacey.
“ you know I think I probably did.” she says.
“ yeah yeah and it’s funny Gloria because I should be hurts but I’m not when I move on I really do move on.” says Lacey.
“ yeah, you do and what’s sick is that Lem is something like me and it seems like he still loves Jack. And because that’s what people wanna think they want to think that but you’re smarter than that you know that’s absolute fucking bullshit and that he’s a little different than me, but you also know more importantly the jack was hideous, looking with his clothes off and that there’s no way Linn was ever sincerely is in love with him as people think he was.” says Gloria.
“ no, it’s true.
that’s true.” says Lacey.
“ could you really get over Jack’s body just based on how he looks with his clothes on?” says Gloria.
Thinking.
“ do I ever see what he looks like with his clothes off or not?” says Lacey.
“ oh yes, at least once or twice.” says Gloria.
“ honestly, I don’t think so. I think it would have to be somebody who looks like Jackie without their clothes on to really be able to think it made sense to be married to him. And he’s just that awful looking bless his heart! He just is an awful looking mad, and I think if I knew what he looks like, even with his clothes on, I would never be able to get it out of my head.” says Lacey.
“ oh, so you saw what Joe looks like before you fell out of love with him, and you were brutally disappointed?” says Gloria.
“ yes I was I was mad at God potentially remember correctly I was genuinely upset with God potentially because I couldn’t believe he looked that awful and I told myself that maybe it was just bad photography. Then I saw other pictures of him and no he really was just that hideous looking.” says Lacey.
“ see I wasn’t as beautiful as you I really wasn’t no not even know you in my generation you’re perfect looking like absolutely astounding, the perfect looking.
Other generations might not think that, but to us you would’ve been in like Pamela Anderson without plastic surgery like how she looked after, but without a mean, you’re really shockingly beautiful.
I know you don’t know that about yourself but to us you have a body that is one that your father created for you dear Tom, but you have a body that is really perfect. It really is probably better than 90% of the women who are ever born in my generation maybe even higher than that you’re definitely in the top 10 percentile and I am not that beautiful. I I am beautiful but no I’m not as beautiful as you. And to me, I thought they were pretty good looking man. I didn’t think that they were maybe as good looking at some people I didn’t think Jack was a little scrawny and butt. No he is he’s a little scrawny, and Bobby was a little short a little too short But I think I thought that Joe was pretty good looking.” says Gloria.
“ but there’s something about their chest that’s just awful!“ says Lacey.
“ well, I mean I had a better looking at him or he would’ve been that interested but I don’t think I realize that it was as bad as you’re saying it is because I felt bad for him, and then I was taken advantage of by him.” says Gloria.
“ but if you’d been with them for longer and if he tried to convince you to stay with him how to experience you didn’t have and I did you start to notice.” says Lacey.
“when else would you have noticed?” says Gloria. “ because I think women in Bobby’s generation knows this, and they’re lying about it.”
“ when I was having sex.” says Lacey.
“ and when would you let yourself see it?” she says.
“ the minute that they hurt me.” says Lacey.
“ you’re interesting because you’re very loving and kind and a lot of men are taken in by that who are losers but then the minute that they hurt you you start to be honest with yourself, and you find everything wrong with them that you’ve been quietly keeping to yourself out of genuine love for them and then they’re toast and you can get over them in a way that most people can’t.” says Gloria. “ is there anything wrong with Lem?”
“ not enough.” says Lacey.
“ so you genuinely can’t figure out how he could possibly have loved Jack.” says Gloria.
“ no I’m not making that up I genuinely can’t figure it out. Because he’s so much it’s like did he just never look at himself in the mirror? I mean if I was him, and I was attracted to men, and I took my own clothes off, and I looked at myself I would get totally suicidal. I would think this is what looks good. And I’m not dumb enough to not know that!
Maybe there are some men who don’t understand that anymore who genuinely lose their minds like some models I could see that somehow in a model them starting to have bizarre ideas about with attractive if they were around the wrong sadistic person person. But I think for most people if they looks like lame and they took off their clothes just to take a shower, it would be very hard to force yourself to have sex with Jack.” says Lacey.
“this is actually real psychology. As in this is really real, what she’s saying is accurate!” says a gay man who wrote The Little Mermaid.
“ I know.” says Gloria.
“ and Lacey, there are people who, for some reason never processed certain things or never told people certain things while they were alive and then died and regretted it and Gloria is one of them.” says Satan.
“ and he really was an ugly man, and in certain certain ways, and I knew that he was knock kneed, and there was some thing a little offputting about him. But I kept that to myself because I thought it was mean. I thought it was mean to say things like that about people.
And people live today don’t realize that because they’re not like that so they don’t know that people kept their mouth shut and the past because they were trying to be kind not because they didn’t have anything to say.” says Gloria. “ and you’re like us and you know that there’s plenty to say and you’re sick of not saying it. And I for one commend you for being so brutally honest with people because there’s nobody alive who can say these things and it’s nice it’s nice to finally be able to tell people that his breath smell like shit.
His breath was terrible! And his knees were ugly as fuck! Oh, and he was a very awkward man, who took himself way too seriously.” says Gloria.
“ yeah.” says Lacey.
Gloria smiles lovingly. With concern.
“ sweetie did you make a mistake?” says Gloria.
“ by sleeping with him?” says Lacey.
“ yes, yes if you were known what he really looks like and you weren’t just sleeping with a ghost would you have slept with him?” says Gloria.
“no, I wouldn’t have. I learned something from the experience, but I would not have done that. No.” says Lacey.
“you didn’t know that! You didn’t know that until today did you?” says Gloria.
“ no, that’s true I didn’t.” says Lacey.
“ you’re not used to having someone talk to you this way and actually catch you.” says Gloria.
“ no I’m not.” says Lacey.
“ yeah, you didn’t experience the sort of power imbalance with the boomers. Not really.” says Gloria.
“ you know I caught onto a little bit of it with Scott but I don’t think I’ve been smart enough to figure out Harold yet or he’s innocent. But I think Joe actually did fool me and I don’t think there is a living man, my entire life who’s ever been like that I have been smarter than everybody.” says Lacey.
“ I know because we’re your parents generation and so you can actually be outsmarted by us in a way that you’re not used to.” says Gloria. “ you’re not an idiot and you could still put us in our place but I think you found your limit because I think that, unless if there’s reincarnation, and even if there is, I actually am older than you slightly, even if we could be friends I am older than you.”
“ oh yes and it’s very bizarre because I have never been thrown off that way by anybody.” says Lacey.
“ yeah yeah you’re not used to that. I I would say most people in my generation were dead by the time you were born, so no, you never experienced, but that was like to talk to somebody who’s actually 10 steps ahead of you.” says Gloria.
“ and how did he know that I actually wouldn’t wanna be with him because you know he did confess that to me slightly in his own way.” says Lacey.
“ it’s just what I was saying for the most part but there’s more to it than that you can sense that. You were out of his league and you don’t know that about yourself, but you actually are. And Scott really is better looking and he’s a Scott Fitzgerald and as much as Joe was really impressive. Elliot was better looking F Scott Fitzgerald was better looking and he’s F Scott Fitzgerald probably one of the best lover stuff for exist and then there’s Harrell lobe and he’s astounding. He’s a very big deal and he’s a Guggenheim And you could show your face anywhere and people would obviously know who you are. I know people still work through that if there’s purgatory so know if you married, either of those two men, you would be sat Joe’s popularity declined in purgatory should purgatory exist after his second son was shot , and the first one was blown up.” says Gloria.
They laugh.
“ what do you think of while England slept?”’says Gloria.
“ I think it’s absolute trash! When I was young, I thought it was just so smart! Because everyone said it was!
But now, looking back at it, he had no fucking clue what he was talking about at all!” says Lacey.
“ why?” says Gloria.
“ because the idea is that they were passive, and that they didn’t really understand what they were doing in England and that’s true somewhat, but not entirely.
There were reasons they hesitated, and I don’t think Jack fully understood those reasons.
I think he understood that that that was a thing but I don’t think he really knew why they were so desperate to pacify Hitler. I think in his mind, there was something stupid about the way that they just let the whole thing happen. And yeah, no I see that sure absolutely but at the same time there was an incredible problem of poverty in Germany, and Hitler was very useful in solving that issue. And a lot of people were very sympathetic to him, for good reason, and I don’t think that people were prepared to deal with the situation for some reasons that were actually very legitimate and I understand his criticism of Great Britain, but not everyone had the foresight of Winston Churchill. Winston Churchill was a rare man and the people who lacked that foresight we’re not stupid people they really weren’t. Great Britain was in decline. They were suffering. Psychologically and all of Europe was to some degree possibly and I think he neglected to understand that so what is his criticism valid? Yeah Innoway it was but in a way it was Callow and inexperienced and heartless, and shortsighted and conniving and self-serving.” says Lacey.
“ you’ve been exposed to him a lot your whole life you’re not him but you’ve been overly exposed to him and fed a bunch of bullshit and I think you’re sick of it and I think your perspective on him is probably a hell of a lot more accurate than most people’s.” says Bette Davis to Lacey.
“how dumb is that Lacey how dumb is what he said?” says Gloria.
“ it’s quite stupid. It’s like the sort of thing that a genius 12 year old boy came up with who had no real international experience that was really good at sounding smart.” says Lacey.
“ I think clinical was the right word to have in there I think you’re right.” says Elon.
“No England was suffering and they didn’t know how to handle Hitler because he was a very good German leader up until he wasn’t.” says Lacey.
“that’s accurate.” says Elon.
“ there are some people, Lacey, who can’t figure out what to say to you right now because they’re neo-Nazis and they’ve had to just sort of let go of the fact that people haven’t appreciated Hitler. I am done, and bobby has tried to be convincing, but he’s not his convincing as you. You’re German, your Norwegian, and your insight, as far as more authentic and sincere than his.” says Elon.
“ we hated Hitler, and yet we didn’t because she’s right he was excellent at alleviating poverty in Germany and he was a very intelligent, charming relatable man. He was very easy to talk to. He still is. and we weren’t asleep. We were exhausted we were worried our empire was dying and if anyone was asleep, it was men like lamp lamb. I don’t understand why you need to ask her. Why you messed up how do you not just understand how egregious what you did was with that picture? Is there probably is some explanation where your innocence because you are certainly were straight. I and you were definitely being taken advantage of.
But I don’t understand why you have failed to understand her perspective this entire time. Apparently she still with you, and that’s up to God, but a party finds that sickening! Because you don’t deserve her you really don’t! You don’t deserve her children either! And she certainly does not deserve to have to sit here wondering what the hell you were doing 40 years ago, while you were high in some stupid chair that you got from them! how much did that chair mean to you?” says Neville.
“ you know your little boyfriend’s father fucked over the entire world and if you’d let her if you had let his son die like God intended, he wouldn’t have had the holocaust! And I know it was a mistake, but you really don’t deserve her at all!!!” yells Sir Winston Churchill at Lem.
“ and you saved a piece of fucking shit!” says Neville Chamberlain.
“ there’s nothing special about what you did. You lived a life of one of the most tragic fools to ever live.” says Sir Winston Churchill to Kirk LeMoyne Billings.
“ God gave you so much and you wasted it all on poop coming out of a man’s asshole.
And I’m not making a joke I’m not exaggerating I am astounded that God let you do what you did to him.” says Neville to Lem.
“ what you have to say for yourself?” says Lacey.
Silence.
“ I did not create her to be tortured like this Lem.” says God.
“ I would say that up until I was molested there’s a reasonable chance that no one would’ve ever thought I was capable of being so astoundingly worthless.” says Lem. “ the truth is I really actually didn’t know that that was arousing to him Lacey I had to figure it out overtime. I only figured it out in the late 1960s. And then I made it something in that photograph.
oh, I thought that he wasn’t as worthless as he was because they lacked an understanding of history and myself well enough to know that he really was a worthless president. I didn’t realize how bad things really were. I knew they were bad it, but I didn’t realize they were as bad as they were. I didn’t think that people would totally self-destruct or if I did I think I thought it would happen a lot faster. I was not as intellectually astute as I should’ve been. I wasted so many years trying to be gay and I never really figured much out because I was so sorted intellectually because I didn’t have sex like a normal person.
I thought that what I was doing was safe and mature and rational because I thought I was clinically homosexual, and I thought that it was wise to not bother women. But I didn’t realize that that wouldn’t work if I still needed and wanted to be with a woman. And what happen with Bobby? I don’t have a good way to explain it but basically I was taken for a ride by him. I thought that we had a bond and I thought that he wanted to see if I could be like a father to him, and it wasn’t a sexual thing I thought that he really needed a father, or he was going to turn into a kid on the streets or a monster And I was ready to kill him, but I also thought that he needed a loving hand, and I thought that I could be a good father to him. I do not mean that in a sexual way I don’t mean that I was giving him a loving hand in a sexual way I don’t mean loving hand in a sexual way. I thought that I was being loving to him and I didn’t realize that I was talking to a child narcissist he was just giving me ideas and that I wasn’t really actually engaging with a kid and who really needed me he didn’t need me the way that some kids dead Who never met me kids who actually wanted a father I was desperate to have a family and I ended up rooting my reputation because I thought that I was going to really be a father to him and I didn’t realize how you did it out I took it too seriously And I just was desperate to try to get his approval and try to get the families approval and I didn’t realize that I was being taken for a ride or die and then when I did it it was embarrassing to me because I thought I looks like kind of a gay freak. I know that sounds like a classic denial but it’s not. That’s actually what happened. I wasn’t aware enough of the fact that I was spending too much time with him because I thought that I was just being there for him. I didn’t realize that people would think I was in love with him for real and I was it I I sincerely just thought that it was kind of a um, a situation where I was going to be a father figure we were never in bed together. I never hugged him too much to do. I never spent too much time with him in any inappropriate sort of emotional way I was not as assessed as they make me sound.
I was very overly present, though I spent too much time there that is true but I think I thought that what I was doing was helpful and I also had some other motives. I was trying to make myself look like I cared. I did not make that up. I actually was building an alibi if I ever had to kill him And I wanted people to think that I cared about him and a Normas amount so I was trying to give people the idea and if anything ever happened that it was an accident. And I was there because Ethel wanted me to be there.
I wasn’t there for any other reason. It was boredom, despair desperation at a desperate desire to possibly be like a father to him.
I actually really wasn’t in love with him or attracted to him or pervert I truly was just trying to be there and it was completely ill-advised.
that was one of the dumbest things I ever did. Being his friend and I wasn’t really his friend, but being his friend to try to relate to him and get close to him, was one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done. He did not understand me at all. He still doesn’t. and yet he thinks he does. We were not friends, Bobby I was patronizing you you are not my son, and I should have never tried to make you my son that was arguably the stupidest thing I did in my entire worthless life!” yells Lem. “ how do I count for my life? I’m working on it.”
“ why was it so stupid?” says Churchill.
“ because he wasn’t my son and there I went parading around like a buffoon. If I wasn’t a child molester or a gay idiot I had absolutely no sane or rational reason to be there, and it was convoluted well intentioned, idiotic nonsense. I really thought that it made sense at the time I thought that what I was doing made sense but looking back at it. I had absolutely no business doing that. I should’ve been spending time with my actual family and I should’ve spent time trying to make sense of myself or frankly, I should’ve just killed myself.” says Lem. “ I took that picture entirely by accident. Lacey, I don’t understand why you can’t have empathy for the facts that I really did it by accident. I know because it doesn’t make sense. It does make sense. You don’t really know. You have no idea is that the only reason why though or is it something more than that be honest.”
“You’re asking her to do something very dangerous!” says Churchill.
“ well, I’ll have to make up for it.” says Lem. “ Lacey tell me why!”
“ and what happens if I don’t?” says Lacey.
“ oh, well, that’s a very interesting question! Tell me!” says Lem.
Solitude (Felsmann + Tiley Reinterpretated) by M83 plays.
“Listen.
This is why.
Why drink blood? IN WAR. …Not to worship Satan.
But I’m not a man. Of course.
And of course I need you.
And we’re not friends.
I’ll NEVER be your FRIEND.
The song plays. And we’ll have to listen again. Because it’s EVERYTHING.
And I am screaming…’NO!’
Why…?
The song restarts.
You opened the door…took my hands…and brought me outside our house. And then brought Jack inside. And I have no idea what you did with Bobby.
Lem! You did that!” says Lacey.
“But the door is still open?” says Lem.
“Yes. But…I’m outside MY OWN HOUSE!!!” says Lacey.
The song restarts.
“And you say it was all an accident.” says Lacey.
“That’s a brilliant analogy.” says Satan.
“Is he even listening!?” says Lacey.
“Yes!!” yells God.
“I DON’T HEAR HIM!!! AND YOU SOUND EVIL!!!” she yells at God.
“That’s not directly my fault!!” says Satan.
“Alright.” says Lem.
“Lem…why wouldn’t I sleep with other men?” says Lacey.
The song restarts.
“You’ve kicked me out of my own house!!! BRUTALLY!” says Lacey.
Lem sits in that chair. Thinking.
“I requested you sleep around.
What did I say?” he says.
“You said, ‘Lacey…you’re a loser if you don’t fuck, a lot of really good looking men!’” says Lacey.
beanie (piano) by Chezile plays.
“Describe it.” says Lem.
“You sat…in that chair. …Stuck out your crotch, laughing, looking for applause. Adjusted yourself. Posed. Conceited. …And then…drew your eyes together…snarled…and said…LACEY!!! DARLING! You know…you’re not good enough. You don’t have a penis. …And I’m FAR too important…to EVER bother with something as WORTHLESS as a vagina for sex. …I’ve found a SMARTER way to have sex! It’s not what I was made for. But I’m smarter than God. Or God…made me far smarter than you. …I’d NEVER be dumb enough to let you feel loved. …Because your heart is nonexistent to me. And your body is…archaic. …So…I’ll just torture you with my body. And my heart. And my soul. …Make you wish you’d never been born. Every day. Of your whole life! …And you have. …And I’ve never told you that.
And…so…not knowing if you meant it…or not…I worried. …Because that’s…awfully harsh.
My Name Is by Eminem plays.
I love this.
I LOVE his HONESTY.
The song plays.
1:31
1:41
And that’s…real.
2:36
I do…think.
The song plays and ends.
Lose Yourself plays next.
I wanted to research POLAND. I’m not a fuck-up like JFK, Lem.
0:56
And I LOVE this song too.
And I’m ready to end the world, BABY.
And it’s part of the fall that I can’t run the whole world.
I’m LIKE THAT.
I LOVE RUNNING EVERYTHING.
But not for my own ego. Just to WATCH IT ALL. To FEEL…HIGH. In the AIR.
And I mean that literally.
It’s WONDERFUL. Just to feel…the breeze.
It’s…exhilarating.
The song restarts.
Total domination. But…yet…not.
To worship God. But…do so…controlling the whole thing.
And I want that control. Personally. Just for me.
Jack played. But I’m not playing.
2:49
You lose yourself. And it’s GLORIOUS.
It’s…AMAZING.
It’s…GREAT.
Lacey smiles inside.
4:29
So…I UNDERSTAND. I UNDERSTAND!!!” yells Lacey. “I understand…WAR.”
“With who!?” says a woman, worried.
“Lem.” says Lacey. “He’s wants war. HE’S GOT IT!!”
The song restarts.
“This opportunity comes once in a lifetime.” says Lacey. “DID IT!! DONE!!”
The song plays.
“When did I really declare war on you?” says Lem. “So to speak.”
“When you liked HIM. AT ALL.” says Lacey. “He’s SCUM. Or were you always that…cruel?”
The song ends.
The Real Slim Shady plays.
Lacey cuts off his head. If he’s a real liar.
Slices him into pieces.
Forces Bobby to eat him.
0:58
“That’s for not not getting to the point. LOSER.” says Lacey.
Then she has an angel beat Bobby to a bloody pulp.
If he’s…if Lem’s a worthless liar.
2:03
2:15
“I’m the real shady???” says Lacey.
The song plays.
I stand up. In control. With…my…heterosexuality.
The song plays.
The song ends.
The song restarts.
Lem…if you can still hear me…
(I check)
The song restarts.
I LOVE WAR.
…Someday I want to ride on a horse…and cut off hundreds of men’s heads. Cover myself in sweat and blood. And WIN. And be…what I am. AND HAVE ALWAYS BEEN. A straight…cis…WOMAN. Who wears SEXY perfume.
“Do you want to crush Satan?” says Christ.
As a joke? On evil?
The song restarts.
“Maybe.” says Jesus.
1:25
I don’t think I want to. I like him. I’m sorry. But…of course if you say he deserves it…I will. I’m sorry I’m not more holy.
“Lacey…if it’s impossible for Lem to be gay… why…doesn’t that matter?” says Emperor Constantine. Do you know?
She thinks.
“I don’t know.” she says. “But I listen to…the drums of war. First and foremost. It’s safest. Everyone else has ALWAYS been pure evil.”
“They have.” says Lord Rosslyn.
“Death?” says Satan.
“YES!!” says Lacey.
1:23
“Death!! DEATH!!” says Lacey.
“I love death.” says Bobby.
“Poser!!!” says Lacey.
“No!!! I totally do!!” says Bobby.
“No. You’re a jackass.” says Lem. “She means DEATH. Not killing children.”
“Bobby. It’s DEATH!” says Lacey.
“It’s REAL!!” says Ancient Egypt. “Death! Is… AMAZING.”
“YEAH!!!” says Lacey.
“She means it in a very deep, beautiful way that I don’t think most people understand.” says Satan.
The song restarts.
“Lacey it’s impossible that I was gay!” says Lem.
“Well that didn’t seem to stop ya none!” says Lacey. 
He thinks.
“Why did that picture allow you to sleep with someone else?” says Lem.
She remains silent.
“I get it! I do! You feel like I rejected you completely, and an incredibly ruthless, profoundly evil and heartless way. Is that really all there is to it or is there more to it?” says Lem.
She thinks.
“I think that’s pretty much all there is to it.” says Lacey.
“How did that reject you before I theoretically even knew you?” says Lem.
“Well, if there’s reincarnation, it’s very hard for me not to feel rejected.
I would never have forgotten about you.
I would never have forgotten about you.
There’s nobody that could’ve ever made me think that you didn’t exist or pretty close to it.
It’s hard for me to accept that you would’ve ever forgotten about me or been confused.
If there’s no reincarnation: How is that ever supposed to be good enough for you? Even if I had some sense that you were straight gay men, like you pretended to be at the very least are so uppity! They’re so…VIOLENTLY conceited.” says Lacey. “They’re HEARTLESS. Snobby. Incredibly abusive! …They’re…best avoided. They’re some of the most…impossible people to deal with I’ve ever met.”
“Are they actually wrong?” says Lem.
“Yes!!! They’re IDIOTS!!!” says Lacey.
He cries.
“They’re IDIOTS. But they’re…violently opposed to being called out about anything.” says Lacey.
“How dumb are we?” asks one of them.
“You REFUSE to listen. AT ALL. You’re…AWFUL people.” says Lacey.
“So…you’ve met our narcissistic idiots.” says a gay man to Lacey.
“Who isn’t that shitty!?” she yells.
“I completely understand where she’s coming from.” says Lem.
“I know you don’t mean that euphemistically.” says a gay man.
“Correct!!” yells Lem.
Silence.
“I was straight!!” yells Lem. “I’d love to be able to say it more clearly. But I can’t anymore. You refuse to let me!!” he yells.
Silence.
“You’re not in my mind. …I am!!” yells Lem. “Look…Lacey…
What if I wasn’t really gay?”
“So then what?” says Lacey.
“Would I have really been able to resist you sexually?” says Lem.
“What if I didn’t do anything?” says Lacey.
“If I wasn’t gay, there’s very little chance that I wouldn’t have noticed you. You’re an incredibly attractive woman.
I’m not saying that to hit on you I’m saying that because you know it’s true.
Lacey you’re extremely good at reading things.
And there’s very little chance that you read me wrong. I was looking for a woman more than a man in that picture, and in general.
If you had come with Bobby as his friend because you would’ve never been his girlfriend, you would’ve been his friend and what scares me is that you actually could have been his friend. You’re very smart and you’re very imaginative. And you’re kind of unusually independent. And he would’ve had a crush on you. But you would not have been interested in dating him. But you would’ve thought it was interesting to try to be his actual friend.
Oh, and I actually think you would’ve been able to be because at the end of the day he would’ve loved talking with you. He would’ve thought it was fun to just talk with you because you do think a little bit alike and I think he would’ve thought you were just really fun to talk with. And I worry that he even needed you as part of his human psychological development as a person. But you weren’t there and it’s not your fault one way or another. If he’s bisexual, he would’ve decided to trust you with that information, and he would’ve thought that you were capable of being his friend in that way. So if he had a crush on a man he would’ve told you and asked you what you thought of him and asked you if you thought he was interested and he would’ve relied on you to help him find a boyfriend frankly. And you would’ve not known what to do with that because you would’ve thought that it was possibly wrong, but you would’ve realized that he was very sincere.
If you had come to my house, as this bizarrely, maternal figure who he also had a crush on who is probably trying to make him be a better Christian, and who probably was determined to turn him into someone very different than who he was…I would’ve noticed. And combined with how you look and the fact that you’re my ideal  and your maturity as a person I would have thought at about 17 that it was worth the risk to be perfectly honest. And because there’s a lot of maturity in you, and I would’ve thought that 17 was old enough for a young woman to be available.  and I would’ve wondered if you were secretly a lot more mature than your age although I would’ve thought 17 was young but I would’ve thought it was old enough and I would’ve thought no she seems more like she’s about 30 or 40 even at 17 than most 17 year olds.  And I would’ve actually come on to you. 
I have not been able to express that to you for about three years give or take a few glimpses of it but mostly no I have not been able to tell you that at all. And that picture looks like I am gay and yet it doesn’t and you read it right yesterday and today I’m straight and I was straight but I was very confused about a lot a lot. And I was not capable of resisting you. so all I could do was just come on to you.
You never put yourself in those situations and you still doubt, but if you had it, I would’ve started touching you like we were just talking and why would I have done that because you’re so attractive and I would’ve sensed chemistry between us and people have lied to you. And people have lied to you Lacey, and given you the impression that they have chemistry with hundreds of people everywhere. Michael was brilliant at preserving that with you. I don’t think anyone else has been at all. but Michael understands things that most people don’t understand. he is a genius!
But you’re not stupid either! I didn’t have great sexual chemistry, with very many women. it was extremely rare. And I did Not not have any sexual chemistry with any man. People don’t believe that, but I actually really didn’t.
I really never had even an imitation of good sex with a man. I had no good sex with men, and I was never attracted to any man ever.
And I just never was.
It just wasn’t there, even though I thought otherwise.
I I would have asked you why you didn’t wear more make up.
And then you would’ve said to me you know, I don’t wanna be a liar I want men to really see who I actually have so that when they marry me, they won’t be surprised when they see what I look like without my make up.
And I would’ve thought that was very sweet. And I would have told you and that you needed to be careful because of if you were too much make up men, we get the wrong idea.
And you would have said, I don’t think that’s likely.
And I would’ve said oh no, men actually do get the wrong idea sometimes when women wear make up and it’s bright and colorful and attractive and it’s just too confusing to them.
I and you would’ve said you know, I don’t think I’ve ever met somebody who would be that confused.
Lacey and there’s absolutely no way ever going to let you be with anyone but me. I was straight I was confused and you think that by letting me have you and not putting up a fight that you’ll drive me away but that is not true at all and it’s not because I’m so battered from being with Jack and chasing him it’s because that’s what I really want I really was straight and what I really wanted was a wife but I was confused and I ruined my entire life and you can’t believe that if I am the person that you love that I would be capable of being that dumb and I am not dumb, but I am capable of being incredibly mistaken Probably not more so than most people believe it or not, but I was incredibly confused more than most people and you weren’t wrong to think that I’m a very sincere heart of person, and that I actually took things very seriously but I wasn’t just this practical jokester, who was shallow and stupid And dull and heartless and meaningless. I actually really am as deep as you thought it was and I was incredibly mistaken.
I am very lucky that Woody Allen made Manhattan because if Ernest Hemingway’s granddaughter hadn’t played that role, you would never have his easy other time believing me right now. You needed that role to understand that I am serious. It’s not about perversion it’s not at all about perversion. It’s that you can imagine someone is sweet and loving and intelligent and innocent, as you could really be interesting to someone like me. People having that doggy predetermined to lie to you, your whole life, and that movie is a lifeline from heaven to me.” says Lem.
“ I am I don’t understand how you faked being gay.” says a man.
“ you just fake being gay that’s all there is to it.” says Lem.
“ so it wasn’t like an awareness thing for you?” says a lesbian.
“ no. It wasn’t at all. I was not aware at all. I was confused. But I understood that if you were gay, you’re gay. And I thought I was gay. And so I thought you know, I need to be more careful and tell people what I am, because I didn’t want people to misunderstand who I was. I was a very brave person, and I was secretly an idealist. And so I thought that it was evil to pretend to be straight. Um, I thought that I could seem straight and be straight, and that no one would really know the difference. But most women at that time would not have handled the conversation well. If I ever told him that I was molested.
And I wouldn’t have known how to explain molestation anyway actually, but I would’ve tried explaining what happened to me. And I would’ve thought I don’t think she understands and I would’ve been hard for me because I wanted intimacy with my wife. And so I thought, what’s the point of getting married to a woman and scaring her and torturing her with what I have what happened to me with who I am. And so I didn’t see any reason to do that I just I didn’t want to ruin a woman’s life. Being straight up was who I was, but I thought that it was dishonest to act that way when I secretly was gay.” says Lem. “ so yes, I was straight I acted straight. I seemed straight because I was but I didn’t want to fool people into thinking I was straight when I thought that I wasn’t so I thought well I best to be honest with people and start adopting, gay mannerisms, and a gay look, so that people will understand who it is that they’re really talking to.” 
“ so you literally just were straight and you seem straight but you were that fused that you tried to seem gay to help women?” says a reader.
“ yes and if you’re in shooting that, I was trying to help Jack be less evil I was at times. I have been misunderstood and I was straight, but there is evidence to suggest that I was very confused even if I was straight and that’s why Lacey is so devastated because she really is quite convinced that I don’t want her. sh
e just saw a ghost manifest in her living room. And I’m going to leave it there because that ghost was pretty visible. It was becoming a full body operation and she has no idea who that man is.” says Lem. “ and her uncle just yelled at him Tom, his brother just yelled at that person to go away. And the sound of a man who is her uncle is interesting because he sounds like her uncle and that’s very confusing to her because she’s not if she is Tom’s biological daughter she’s been very bamboozled. She took a maternity test and she should’ve never done that because those are not legally permissible for a reason people don’t take that seriously and yet they should because it’s very possible that that was total bullshit and that Tom really is her biological father and there’s not a lot that she can do.
So we’re going to go to bed right now, but I am not a snobby gay man and I never was one and that is all I’m going to say about that because we’re going to bed. And by where I mean both her and myself, she thinks I’m rejecting her and I may have indicated that accidentally but I’m not,”
Keen to Cross the Pond 