Lacey regards a group of women who she went to college with. They all felt very superior to her. And so she feels the need to defend herself.
“Why did you take the Pop-Tarts and Mac & Cheese at 2 AM from my stash!?” yells her roommate Laura and Lindsay agrees.
“I budgeted badly. And I was extremely hungry.” says Lacey. “I’m sorry. I should have given you each $25 at the end of the year.”
“For Pop-Tarts and dry Mac & Cheese!?” says Lem.
“Yes. …Or do you demand $1,000?!” says Lacey.
“No. $25 would have been good.” says Lindsay.
“Did one of you steal my new J. Crew clothes? Worth over $200? At the time. To get even?” says Lacey.
“We thought you were poor.” says Lindsay.
“Did you steal my clothes?” asks Lacey.
Silence.
“Yeah. Those were over $200. I took maybe $15 from you in Mac & Cheese and Pop Tarts the whole year.” says Lacey.
“And you woke us up! TWICE!!” says Lindsay.
“Also not worth $200.” days Lacey.
“We…did go back to sleep. Probably. I mean…maybe we struggled once. But we slept well…soo…” says Laura.
“I hope you did.” says Lacey.
“Were they really pretty clothes?” asks Lem.
“Yes. But we looked ugly in them or they didn’t fit.” says Laura. “We were a lot shorter or fatter than her.”
“Or we had bigger boobs.” says their friend, with disdain.
“So you stole her CLOTHES!??” yells a reader. “Because she woke you up twice!? …The whole year?!? And she stole Mac & Cheese worth $15!?” says a reader.
“YUP. Possibly. And we felt justified. We HATED HER.” says Lindsay. “She took up more space than us!!”
“Did you try to fix it!?” asks God.
“At the end of the year. Otherwise…no.” says Lindsay.
“We were intimidated by her.” says Laura. “She was older than us.”
“So you stole her clothes instead of expressing your anger? But she’s the weirdo?” asks a reader.
Silence.
“Well…maybe we didn’t steal her clothes.” says Lindsay.
“Or maybe you did.” says a reader.
Awkward silence.
“I’m sorry I didn’t give you $25.” days Lacey.
“You coding have! You were poor!” says Laura.
“No. Not really.” says Lacey.
“Well…we assumed you were a peasant who was beneath us and wasted money on clothes.” says Laura.
“You were wrong. …I’m sorry I didn’t give you $25.” says Lacey.
Awkward silence.
“Too bad.
Are you both financially secure?” asks Lacey.
“Yes.” says Laura. “Enough.”
“Then I’ll have to pay you back some other way. …Sorry!” says Lacey.
“What if we stole your clothes?” asks Laura.
“Then you’re just thieves. I guess? …I’ll have to pay you back some other way. …Sorry. That’s your mistake.” says Lacey. “I’m quite sure that’s your mistake.”
“It would be.” says God. “She’s right.”
Awkward silence.
“I’ll have to pay you back. …Can’t now. Sorry!” says Lacey.
“Fine.” says Laura.
Chatter.
“Do you understand…that she could have…altered the WHITE HOUSE!?” asks a European woman, in shock.
Laura shrugs.
“I mean…what does that have to do with us!?” says Lindsay.
“I mean…what does the Nesheim oil have to do with you either?” says Matt Nesheim, laughing.
“Yeah! Exactly!” says MSNBC, sincerely.
“He meant that as a joke.” says Russia, with concern.
“Okay???” says MSNBC.
“But I mean…it’s just a lot of oil.” says Fox, also sincerely.
Awkward silence.
“WHAT!?” says a North Dakota resident.
“Yeah. It’s just…oil.” says Fox.
“IT’S OIL!!!” says a reader.
“So what!?” says Trump.
“Ahh…” says a reader.
“Bobby is my friend. …And Bobby is sure Lem was gay.” says Donald Trump. “It’s a personal subject to him. …These ghosts…are imaginary. …We…see ghosts a lot. But we don’t…scientifically prove they exist. …Okay!? …We can’t scientifically prove they exist. …So…Bobby…is what matters. …We can scientifically prove he-“
“What’s wrong?” asks a Trump advisor of him.
“Is what I’m saying I’m saying dumb!? …It feels weird-“ says Trump.
“Go on!!” says Bobby smiling. “Go on!”
They look at him.
“You can scientifically prove I exist!” says Bobby. “You can’t scientifically prove ghosts do. …We’ve talked about it.”
“But you see them.” says a reader.
“SO WHAT!?” says Bobby.
“But the oil does exist…on their land.” says George Bush Jr..
Awkward silence.
“But somehow…when it’s her…it feels…poor. And lowly. And meaningless.” says Laura.
“Why?” asks God.
“Because! She’s nothing. Compared to us.” says one of them in their spirit.
“See…we’re the humans who matter. She doesn’t!!!” says one of them.
“Why…wouldn’t she matter?” says a Palestinian woman, smirking.
“Because! It’s like she’s icky and Black.” says one of them. “And we’re pure white!”
“Except…she’s white.” says the KKK.
They think. Honestly baffled.
“She’s not necessarily reincarnated. But if she is…she was never Black. …She was a Pharaoh’s daughter though.” says God.
“We don’t have that much!!” Lindsay yells at Lacey. “It’s just $25 but…that scares me.” She thinks. “Coming from my background…I’m bothered by that.”
Lacey thinks.
“Yeah!!!
You don’t get it!!!” Laura yells at her. “It’s scary!”
Lacey thinks.
“Except she really doesn’t get it.” explains a Lady Rosslyn.
“I don’t. But I’m seeing it now.” says Lacey.
“You can’t take things from people like that!” says Laura.
“It’s so cheap!!” says Lacey.
“Yes. But…to us…it’s…money.” says Laura.
Lacey thinks.
“She didn’t get that!??” says Lindsay, in shock, smiling.
“Not really.” says Lady Rosslyn.
“Her view of morality Laura is extremely sophisticated. If a law doesn’t make sense to her, she ignores it and it’s not in an unsophisticated unschooled evil way. …However…that being said, she didn’t understand your perspective.” says God.
“I mean it it’s hard for us to admit that because it makes us feel poor but yeah it’s just it bothered us because it was just…money.” says Lindsay.
“But did you come from well-off families by some peoples estimations?” says her mom.
“We were stable and comfortable, but it still bothered us.” says Lindsay.
Silence.
“So does that astound you?” says Sir Winston Churchill to Lacey.
She laughs and nods. “I would never have expected that necessarily.”
He silently nods.
“They’re…very bothered by it.” says Sir Winston Churchill.
“I had no idea! Possibly.” says Lacey.
“Why did you buy $200 of clothes? With no Mac & Cheese?” says Dr. Lauermann.
“My mistake!” says Lacey.
“Why?” asks Kim Phipps.
“Because Mac & Cheese isn’t healthy. …And I was raised to eat very healthy.” says Lacey.
“But…that’s not functional.” says a mom of a friend she thought she had in high school.
“I struggle with such things.” says Lacey. “It just never occurs to me to think that way.”
“WHAT!?” says Laura.
“Why didn’t you learn to drive???” yells another woman who knew her, very vindictively.
“I scared her. She’ll never say that. But I did. I scared her.” says the father who raised her.
“No!!!” she says, wincing in ego pain, crying.
“I acted very scared the minute are drove over 25 mph. …Like she was going to kill us. …I couldn’t handle the loss of control.” says the father who raised her. I made her pull over and let me drive. And she’s never driven since. Ever.” he says.
“Why don’t you teach her?” a reader asks her husband.
“Ahh…I just haven’t.” he says. “I think she’s also scared to now.”
“My reflexes are shit. …We’d get killed.” says Lacey. “I’m…too old to learn now. And too mentally battered. Really!”
“She’s right.” says Louis. “She was thrown down the stairs. It’s…actually not safe anymore. Although you’d never notice it otherwise.”
“Why didn’t you help her!?” asks a reader of Messiah College.
“They didn’t feel remotely obligated at all. Quite the opposite.” says God. “She owed them a favor or two in their minds. They see many of their students that way.”
“They’re fine with disabled people. But health problems? Not so much.” says Lacey. “They’re very brutal. Very survival of the fittest.”
“I was hoping she had no reason for not learning to drive.” says Chris.
“Why is that so morally significant to you?!” says God.
“Because it’s just basic human decency. You don’t bother people like that!! I mean…learn to drive. EWW!!” says Chris.
“Would you feel that way about Bobby?” asks God.
Awkward silence.
“No.” MSNBC admits.
“What about almost anyone else!?” says God.
Awkward silence.
“Fine. Almost anyone else wouldn’t bother me.” says Fox News.
“So why does she!?” says God. “That’s weird, don’t you think?”
“Why buy those clothes though?” says Laura, with suspicion.
“Because I thought Mac & Cheese was bad for me.” says Lacey.
“That’s an excuse!!” says Laura.
“No. It’s reality.” says Mother Nature.
“No way!! That’s way too weird!!!” says Laura. “Nobody is that weird. NOBODY!!”
“That’s not true.” says Mother Nature.
Laura freaks out.
Lindsay freaks out.
Most of the US totally freaks out. Truly.
If there’s reincarnation:
“Oh my! I can’t drive! It’s TOO FAST!!” Lady Rosslyn yells at Lem as she pulls over.
“Damn. It was quite fast, come to think of it.” says Lem, in the back seat. “You driving. My goodness.”
“Yes.
I should think you deserve it.” says Lacey. “I’m gay now too. See! I’m driving!”
Lem looks disturbed. “You’re not…comfortable behind the wheel.”
“I’m FINE.” says Lacey.
“No. You can’t lie to me. You’re uncomfortable.” says Lem.
Lacey looks sad. “But however will I be with you if I can’t be gay…and drive?”
Lem looks disturbed. Thinks.
They sit in awful silence.
“We’re not this stupid.” he says.
“It’s our unprocessed thoughts.” says Lacey.
“True.” says Lem. “Regardless…I need you in bed. Tonight. At 10:45. After Jack leaves.”
“Of course. He’ll be drunk.” says Lacey. “As always. And take forever to get out of bed. Laughing the whole time like an unbearable idiot.”
“Yes. But he’s my friend, Lacey! Dammit! I’m going to do it! …He shall be my friend!” says Lem.
“Yes! Praise Jesus.
We shall…succeed!!” says Lacey, struggling.
“I’m in unbearable pain! Lacey I can’t stand being homosexual! It’s nauseating!!” says Lem, vomiting after giving Jack oral sex as per usual. This time he moaned just as he twisted and gave off a stench from his anus.
“Shoot!!” yells Lacey. “Isn’t what they say!? SHOOT!?”
“Yes! Very good! Shoot him. I’m on it!” says Lem.
“Shoot him!?” says Lacey. “But why? He’s just gay.”
“I can’t stand it anymore. I’m getting nauseated every time now. He’s getting so…mushy as he ages. So…overly…close.” says Lem.
“But dammit! We can’t shoot him.” says Lacey.
“They’ve already made plans.” says Lem. “It’s too late!!”
“Oh dear.” says Lacey.
“Damn. He’s a miserable President anyway.” says Lem.
Lacey goes into shock.
“Darling. I know I sucked that man’s cock…but I need you.” says Lem at 2 AM in 1962 to Lacey.
“Of course! Be right there!!” says Lacey.
And they doze off happily by 4 AM. In the White House.
Sympathy For The Devil by The Rolling Stones plays.
“Why did you buy those clothes?” Laura asks Lacey.
“Because Mac & Cheese is bad for you.” says Lacey.
“It’s not poison.” says Laura.
“That’s not how we were raised.” explains Matt Nesheim.
1:43
“But it won’t kill you. The first time you eat it.” says Laura.
“I know. …But…it’s a- It’s not something to eat.” says Lacey. “It’s…a bad idea.”
2:38
The song plays.
The song plays louder.
China rolls it’s eyes at 3:33.
“Lacey…you ate it anyway.” says China. “COME ON!!”
The song plays.
The song plays.
4:56
“Well…what else could you do!? It’s dried food.” says China to Lacey. “Brain food! With protein.”
“You’re right.” says Lacey. She thinks. “Is there anything else!?”
“No. Nuts? Wrong. …You needed the Mac & Cheese.” says China.
“I never quite grasped that.” says Lacey.
The song ends.
“Oh crap.” says Messiah College.
The song plays.
“Yeah. It’s just…brain food!” says China to Lacey.
“Never occurred to me.” says Lacey.
China nods.
“Did your mother who raised you ever feed you? Or just give you food?” asks China.
“She did when I asked.” says Lacey.
“But she never knew when you were hungry?” asks China.
“No. Not like that.” says Lacey.
2:32
The song plays.
“Are we evil?” asks Lindsay’s father.
“Yes.” says God. “You were.”
4:27
The song plays.
“SHIT!! That’s not what I expected.” says VP Vance. “The Illuminati has treated her like a mystery. …Should we exist. …Because it’s highly unusual to find us. Psychically. But she did. Truly by accident. …And…we’ve spent hours analyzing her. …It’s fascinating.”
The song ends.
Fortunate Son by Creedence Clearwater plays.
“Yeah. I mean she’s right though.” says Bobby.
“Yeah, it’s addictive.” says Lacey.
“It is.” says Bobby.
“But in an emergency-“ says Lacey.
China nods.
“They put dyes in everything now.” Bobby says to Lacey.
“So what!? One still has to try.” says Lacey.
“Yeah. Fair.” he says.
The song ends.
Can’t Stop by Red Hot Chili Peppers plays.
“In an emergency.” says Lacey to Bobby.
He thinks.
“Yeah??” he says.
1:28
“No! …I think they’re right.” says Lacey.
1:49
“Think. Cortisol levels matter too.” says Lacey.
2:07
He thinks.
The song plays.
The song plays.
“Fine.” he says.
2:43
“In an emergency.” says Lacey to Bobby.
3:04
“Fine!” says Bobby begrudgingly, like he’s 5 years old.
3:36
“IN AN EMERGENCY!!” yells Lacey as walks off.
4:04
“OKAY!!” he yells, begrudgingly.
The song ends.
All Along the Watchtower by The Jimi Hendrix Experience plays.
Lacey sits in 2008 eating Mac & Cheese at 3 AM. Alone. With guilt. In her dorm room.
“Yuck. It’s all sugar.” she says to herself. She takes another bite. “Except…it’s also not.” she says, thoughtfully. “Hmm. Why did they do this to food!?!” she wonders, genuinely amazed.
The song plays.
Bobby heard her. All of it. Because of Lem. As a mother. …And he took it very seriously.
The song plays.
“It’s crap.” says Bobby.
3:22
“But it’s not…unnecessary…in an emergency.” says Lacey.
He thinks.
3:51
“She’s not my mom. But…she’s so right.” he says. “I mean…she’s right.”
Jumpin’ Jack Flash by The Rolling Stones plays.
“In an emergency.” says Lacey.
1:04
“People are dying.” he says to Lacey, sounding like his father.
1:30
“Yes. But we have to keep things even keel.” says Lacey.
1:47
He thinks.
He thinks.
The song plays.
“MODERATION!!” says China.
“YES. Moderation. With moderation.” says Lacey. “And freedom.”
2:52
“You’re so corny!!” Bobby Junior says to her, rolling his eyes in disdain. “MY GOD!!!”
“But I’m right!!!” she says.
The song ends.
For What It’s Worth by Buffalo Springfield plays.
Putin loses his temper.
“In moderation.” Lacey says to Bobby.
He cries. “I WANT MY DAD!!!” he yells at her. Throwing dirt on her face.
1:38
She remains calm. Thinks.
1:56
“YOU ARE EVIL!!!” Bobby yells at her.
She remains calm.
2:20
The song ends.
Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen plays.
0:51
“I didn’t kill them.” says Lacey. “And what’s more…I think they may have deserved it.”
Bobby thinks.
1:31
1:40
1:53
“Well…it’s a mess. But it wasn’t me. …I’m sorry your dad died.” says Lacey to Bobby.
2:32
“Very true.” says Lacey.
He thinks.
“Yeah. Okay. …But you know…I missed my dad.” says Bobby.
“I had nothing to do with his death.” says Lem. “Just Jack. For the most part.”
“It was necessary. In their estimation.” explains Lacey.
The song plays.
“Bobby. Life is Hell at times.” says Lacey.
“Or close to it. …I was straight.” says Lem.
“SHIT!!! I went too far.” says Satan.
3:08
“Oh how annoying.” says Lacey.
3:26
“You cannot have been straight!!!!” yells a group of gay American men.
3:46
“NO!!!” yells a living gay man.
4:10
Lacey cuts off their heads. Like she’s chopping carrots.
“Speaking of carrots…
4:44
Bobby…in moderation.” says Lacey.
5:01
5:07
“I guess.” says Bobby.
5:20
“I mean. It’s moderation.” explains Lacey.
He thinks.
The song ends.
“She’s right.” says China.
Feelin’ Alright by Joe Cocker plays.
“Moderation isn’t a thing for most people.” says Bobby. “When it comes to Mac & Cheese.”
0:47
“Fair.” says Lacey.
“It’s not safe!!” says Bobby Junior.
1:19
“But you must remember even keel.” says Lacey. “Speed is good. Especially in a storm. Right? But…I suspect even keel is best.” says Lacey.
2:47
“Fair enough.” he says.
“I mean…too much change too quickly is dangerous. …I hope you know that.” says Lacey.
“She’s right.” says Donald Trump.
The song plays and ends.
“Why are we talking about this!? …Not that it isn’t fascinating.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior to God.
Born To Be Wild by Steppenwolf plays.
The song plays.
“This is so fucking stupid.” says Lacey. “Oh well.” she says about the song.
The song plays.
“Joe would have agreed.” says Edith.
2:15
“Life is BORING. What THE FUCK is he…on!? Psychosis!?” says Lacey.
Zelda Fitzgerald laughs with her.
“MY GOD!!! HELP ME. …Are they retarded?” Lacey asks God.
The song ends.
Rock The Casbah plays.
“This is good music.” says Lacey. “This is exciting.”
0:37
“Wooo!!!” yells Lacey.
0:55
The song plays.
“Have you seen the pyramids!?” Lacey yells at people staring at her. “ROCK THE CASBAH!!!”
The song plays.
“They weren’t Muslim.” says God.
“No. They certainly weren’t.” says Lacey.
2:50
“Rock the casbah!!!” says Lacey dancing.
The song plays.
The song restarts.
“Rock…the casbah.” says Lacey.
The song plays.
“NOO!!!” wails Donald Trump Senior in the afterlife for the deaths of Palestinian children. Mollock beads him senseless. Unless God intervenes.
1:28
The entire Trump family restrained.
2:11
“You can’t harm her. You’ll regret it too much.” says God to Donald Trump. “She’s too rich for the life she’s led. It’s insane. …You’ve turned her into a saint. Literally. In a very evil way.”
The song ends.
Gimme Shelter by The Rolling Stones plays.
“I deserve it. If I get beaten. …It’s all good.” says Donald Trump, if there’s Purgatory at all.
The song plays.
“It will help you. If you deserve it.” says Lacey.
He nods. “I couldn’t stand to live…after meeting those kids. I-
I-
I want to cut off my hands.” he says sincerely weeping. “It’s merciful to be beaten. …It’s kind. …For some of us…because of our…choices…we hate ourselves so much…we need help. Because the grace isn’t there. It’s- It isn’t just. …So…if I deserve it…I look forward to my punishment. It’s kind.” he wisely explains.
2:27
The song plays.
The song ends.
Break My Stride by Matthew Wilder plays.
“Ain’t nobody gonna slow me down!” says America in response to this blog.
1:02
“You suck! Now. …You SUCK!!” America says to Lacey.
The song plays.
“There are a lot of kids starving.” says Mollock to America.
2:07
“And being sold.” says Biden, in the afterlife.
JFK shakes his ass in pride in 1962.
The song ends.
“Okay. Well.
In moderation.” says Lacey to China.
China nods.
She exhales.
Dancing Queen by ABBA plays.
Lacey watches JFK grinning.
“He’s just gotten an orgasm from Lem? Oral sex?” Lacey asks God.
“Yes.” says Jesus.
“Does he realize that that’s why he’s so happy?” asks Lacey.
“No.” says Jesus. “Not really.”
Eunice joins him. Bumps her hip into his. Laughing.
2:11
“Why does he think he’s so happy?” asks Lacey.
2:33
2:48
JFK tries jazz moves. Laughing.
3:15
“He thinks he essentially made himself feel good. And that he’s doing Lem a favor. Somehow.” says God.
The song ends.
Burning Down The House by Talking Heads plays.
Peter Thiel cheers Jack on from 2025. Thinking he’s stolen Lem. Because he can’t cognitively imagine a man being as confused as Lem was or as convincing as he was.
“How in the world…could he have gotten himself off!? …It wasn’t masturbation.” says Lacey to God.
2:03
“No. But he feels like it was.” says God.
2:21
“Poor Lem. I think he threw up.” says Lacey.
“He did. Once Jack came. He spit out the cum and then vomited. …And didn’t know why.” says God. “But…he felt…grossed out. And assumed it was just…him being uptight and the smell of Jack’s fart.”
“Well…smelly anus. Jack ate very badly sometimes.” says Jesus.
The song ends.
Should I Stay or Should I Go by The Clash plays.
The song plays.
“Did Lem ever kick you out? …If there’s reincarnation?” asks an Illuminati psychic.
“No!! Never.” says Lacey.
1:33
“So if there’s reincarnation…WE have given you the brush on. On his behalf. But he never said that?” says the psychic.
1:58
2:11
“Yes.” says God.
2:40
“DUH!!!” yells Lem. “ARE YOU BRAINDEAD!??”
“He vomited. He really did.” says a demon. Who was actually there.
Jack shakes his flat ass. Farts a tiny bit. But keeps grinning.
More Than A Woman by Bee Gees plays.
And Joe Kennedy Senior goes into intense shock hearing that Joe Kennedy Junior died.
1:00
Yes. Lacey was more than just a woman to him.
He collapses into chaos. Silently staring. Unable to move. He yells at Rose to shut his door.
His dreams are over.
2:06
“He cursed himself. Lacey had nothing to do with it.” says Lem. “Grow-up, intellectually. MY GOD!!”
2:39
“Yeah. No shit something’s wrong.” says Satan.
Baby Come Back by Player plays.
“Did Lem ever say that to you? Ever?” asks a man.
“No.” says Lacey. “No.”
“I never have ever told her to leave.” says Lem.
“But you slept with other men.” says a Boomer.
1:23
“Yeah. But…I was confused.” says Lacey.
1:50
“This is bad.” says Louis, in shock.
“Okay?” says Lacey, rolling her eyes.
2:24
“So…they feel…bothered. You understand?” says Sir Winston Churchill to Lacey.
The song plays.
“I see. Gosh.” says Lacey.
“It’s like…cutting your hair.” says Clem. “Against your will.”
The song ends.
“So it’s bad.” says Lacey. “But not that bad.”
“Yes.” she says.
Le leçon particulière plays.
“Then she’s…heartless.” says Lacey.
“Yes.” says Clem.
“You were too pretty.” says Clem’s brother.
“Ahhh.” says Lacey. “Why are they so unnaturally sensitive about that here?” she says.
The song ends.
More Than A Feeling by Boston plays.
“Because they’re mindless, heartless, downtrodden whores.” says Sir Winston Churchill about America in the late 20th Century.
JFK smokes.
1:23
“Jack…just a question. Just a question babe.” says Megan Mullally.
1:47
He turns to her. Sassy. Serious.
“Yeah…I know you…which is really weird.” says Meghan Mullally.
Jack Kennedy laughs. He likes her, instantly.
“Hey…you seem awfully happy? Yeah?” she says.
He laughs.
“Did you have a good morning this morning?” she says, laughing.
“Did you?” he says.
“You know I did!!!” she says.
They laugh awkwardly.
“You did too, though honey, I can tell!” says Meghan.
Jack looks blank.
“Who got you off?” asks Megan.
He looks awkward.
“No…I’m dead serious Jackie baby!? Who got you off?” she says.
“Okay…a man!” he says.
“So then he did a really good job?” she says.
“I guess he did. I don’t know why that has anything to do with anything.” says JFK.
“And it was actually last night not this morning?” says Megan.
“You’re just a voice in my subconscious, but yes, I will have you know I did have quite the thorough fucking last night and I feel incredibly chipper this morning.” says JFK.
“And did you do anything for him?” she says.
“No I mean I masturbated him a tiny bit but it wasn’t ahh…it wasn’t very long and he doesn’t really much like when people touch him so I don’t touch him too much. He prefers to be like a woman and just sort of put out.” says JFK.
“So he just finds it icky when you touch his dick?” says Meghan.
“Yeah. I guess so.” says JFK.
“This cannot be true. This is too fucking weird!” says America in May 2025.
“No I have a feeling it may have been slightly more complicated than this where he just stood there for maybe 30 seconds and let Jack touch him while he touched Jack or something but I’m not so sure that even if that happened that he enjoyed it in any real sort of way. It was probably enjoyable but in a very sort of gross way kind of like forcing yourself to enjoy something really disgusting to you. You don’t really enjoy it but you can sort of force yourself to enjoy something about it and that’s easy to do with sex when you’re confused about what it is after you’ve been molested.
But I-I think this it’s possible. Actually I don’t think it’s as likely but I think it’s possible.” says Lacey.
“So you barely touched him at all and then he gave you oral sex and then he left for the bathroom?” says Megan.
“He-he left temporarily yes to go clean up or something I don’t know. I’ve never done that. I’m not gay. Women do that too you know sometimes they have to go clean up somehow or something and then he came back and I asked him to sit next to me and cuddle for a few minutes, but he never really much wanted to do that…and then he just was tired…and I was tired…so I went to sleep. With Jackie.” says JFK.
“And you thought that was good!?” says Megan.
“I mean he’s completely crazy about me! Yes!!!” he says, laughing.
“What makes you think that?” asks Megan.
“Well he gets so serious sometimes and I just knows that in that mind of his he’s thinking things that are very deep and beautiful about me.” says JFK.
“And what makes you think that he’s thinking about you?” she says.
“But what else could you possibly be thinking about? I am the only other person in the room.” says Jack.
“But why do you think that they’re loving thoughts?” she says.
“ because when men have sex with me, it’s a total life-changing experience for them. It’s like that with women too. They’re never the same. Women have killed themselves over me. And sometimes it surprised me, but it always reminds me that when you sleep with me, there’s no going back. You can sleep with other people and it doesn’t mean anything but I have that effect on people. I am kind of extraordinary. But I can’t do anything about it, and I still need sex.
My nerves get all beat up and bent out of shape you see when I don’t have it regularly. I have to have it on the schedule or I start getting very tense. I don’t like feeling tense. It makes me feel anxious and kind of sad so I I’d like to have it regularly because then I feel you know what kind of a happy end regulated for lack of a better word just makes me feel regulated.” he says.
“ you mean loved?” she says.
He laughs at her. “ I don’t think it’s about love. Lem and I are very good friends but I’m not his lover. It’s not about love. It’s about muscles. You see the muscles in my body get very tense when they’re not expanded through sex.
If I really needed them well, I guess I would make me human, but I could replace him very easily. He’s just sort of like an unpaid masseuse. but he does it for me because he’s a rather poor, lonely man and he’s homosexual and he’s had a fixation on me since Choate.
You see I’ve always been a sexual adventure and I kissed him once when we were walking home and I asked him if he would be my well special friend will call it. I knew he was gay. I knew that he had such feelings for Madeline and I was curious to see if he’d be interested in doing things to my body. and he was rather taken aback at first but then I started kissing him, and while I suppose, he decided that he should go along with it, and so he did. And I started asking things from him because I wanted to know what they felt like and he did them and then after about three or four weeks he started asking me if I would be his boyfriend. I almost died around that time. And he was very helpful. There are times I worry that there was something wrong with what I was doing to him and that that’s why I almost died. Like there was something profoundly evil about it kind of like I was cutting off his dick or his head or something.
But I mean, it’s just sucks like my dad always says it’s not that big of a deal. Some of make a very big deal out of it and our family doesn’t. I’m not gonna let them make me a criminal he says to me. Just because I’m a man and I’m selfish doesn’t make me a monster and you don’t have to lie to me. He said I know what you do with that boy and I think it’s strange and unnatural but I think as long as you keep it between us and don’t tell anyone that we can work something out.
No and and he asked me to be his boyfriend essentially, but I wasn’t interested in that you know because I’m not gay, and I found it offensive. I told him to stop never bring it up again. And he mostly never dead but of course, I told him that I wasn’t serious about it was never touching a shoulder or anything like that because I was his friend if he wanted to be my friend I was completely available for you know that sort of thing I supported him I fully supported him, but I was never going to be his boyfriend. I was never going to be his lover. Because I’m not gay.” says JFK to Meghan Mullally in 1962. Through demons and the Holy Ghost.
“Jack…sweetie does he ever seem to enjoy it?” says Megan.
JFK thinks. Blinks.
“Does-does he ever seem to want anything from you ever?” she says.
“No but that’s where I am like a woman to him.” says JFK.
“Excuse me?” she says.
“I mean, I would think I’d be like a woman to him!” he says, sincerely.
“And what is it that you think women do?” she says.
“Well I mean men get aroused through touching them. Why wouldn’t he feel the same satisfaction by touching me?” he says.
“When do you ever touch him?” she says.
“I don’t but as a woman you don’t have to.” he says.
“Honey we have a vagina and you don’t have one. And I asked you if he wanted to touch you with his dick.” she says.
“Oh no, he prefers if we leave his dick alone but that’s fine because that’s where he’s like a woman. So his dick is like a woman and he wants to be left alone but then when he touches me I become like the woman and he doesn’t need anything more than just ah…to touch me.” says JFK.
“Funny how you use women as a way out of intellectual conundrums.” she says. “Because I think you know he doesn’t really want any sort of sexual interaction with you.” 
“But isn’t that what’s going on?” he says.
“Jack does he ever seem like he wants the sex at all?” she says.
“Well…I mean I guess!” he says, laughing indignantly.
“That’s what you think, but what is he ever shown you to make you think that?” she says.
“Well when it comes down to it nothing. But you can’t be that dour about things.
I would doubt that my own mother loves me if I didn’t know that sometimes you have to not pay attention to certain things like that. You have to pay attention, but not that much.” he says. “So I don’t overthink it the fact that he hasn’t killed me I guess, or punched me in the face in any way that left me permanently damaged or really in pain for more than a few days. That would lead me to believe enough as a man that he’s consenting and enjoys it, and that I really shouldn’t analyze it any further.”
“So he’s punched you in the face?” she says.
“Yeah…he’s punched me in the face, he’s thrown me to the ground, he spit at me. He’s told me that he doesn’t like me when he’s really drunk. He’s almost steaming! He lost his mind a few times, I guess. But I know that he’s gay and so he’s mentally ill. And I try not to be too judgmental. I just ignore it.” says JFK.
“So why do you think he’s fixated on you?” she says.
“ because he just gets so determined to make me happy. I mean I needed him to come visit me. I told him that I told him to come visit me and I was gonna be very upset and feel really sad. If he didn’t. For some reason I don’t know. Sometimes you know I get sad and I want people near me. So I told him that he needed to come see me in Florida. I was just in such a bad mood. My dad was hurting my feelings. I guess you could say that’s how they put it now he was hurting my feelings. So I told him he needed to come see me and at first he wasn’t real sure if he could because he had a rowing responsibility and he didn’t wanna put his team and that sort of place. But I demanded he come visit me, or I was going to kill him if I had to. And so he came and visited me and I got over it real quick. It was fine that he came to visit me. Sure I needed him to after all and he was so determined he was so damn determined that I am well I guess he became obsessed with me a little bit there off and on. He couldn’t he couldn’t get there fast enough right boy Jack if you need me that badly I guess I’ll have to come see you, and everyone was so surprised because he had a responsibility to his team that he was throwing off just for me, just to come see me everyone couldn’t believe it. How could you possibly do that But I guess he’s obsessed with me. You know when you’re obsessed with someone you don’t think about your responsibilities in that way.” says JFK.
“ but you forced him to come he wasn’t obsessed with you.” says Megan.
“ no one’s ever said that to me.
Who the fuck are you?!?” yells JFK.
“ it doesn’t matter it’s just true you forced him to come he wasn’t obsessed with you.” says Megan.
“ you can’t force somebody to do anything! I asked him to come in here. I did threaten his life, but I’m just that kind of guy you know I get like that sometimes. I threaten lots of peoples lives whenever I don’t get what I want right do stuff like that to them. I guess I don’t know I’m I’m just that sort of person. You have to understand. I come from a very wealthy, but very tough family my fathers, Joe Kennedy, Senior you’ve heard of him we were raised. That way. We were Irish Catholic kids from Boston. We were incredibly tough. We were taught to be well not like Cowboys you know, but kind of like cowboys kind of tough. So yeah I did I did. I did threaten his life but that wasn’t that wasn’t a serious thing.
I mean, I was serious OK you could say I was serious, but I wasn’t I wasn’t. I wasn’t like up a monster or criminal or some thing I was just very adamant because I was very down and I needed a friend. I could’ve found somebody else in five minutes I didn’t need him, but I asked him because I knew it would mean something to him because he likes to be there for me. I guess he gets some thing out of it right poor homosexual that he is poor faggot. So I asked him to come because he’s a Fagge and I knew it would mean something to him and yeah I just threaten his life but that was not supposed to be taken so seriously and he knows he knew that we’re very close.
So short, sure he showed up but he really should’ve thought that through because that was his responsibility but he came anyway because I meant so damn much to him I guess and he would do anything like that he would he would do anything I asked him to do absolutely anything, and I asked him to do quite a bit But I am, but he he always could’ve said no. You have to understand that he always could’ve said no I mean he could’ve theoretically said no so it’s definitely proof that he was obsessed with me. Everyone knows that everyone knows that there’s absolutely everyone that knows that.” he says.
“ except he hits you and you make him do things.
And he doesn’t enjoy anything that you’re doing.” she says.
“ I don’t think what you’re insinuating is possible!” says JFK,
This is a real conversation.
It’s March 1962.
“ Jack I’m gonna be honest with you if there’s no ilumiNATTI, I am from the future. I’m a voice in your head, but I’m also a demon and I’m trying to tell you something to warn you.” she says.
“I don’t think that’s likely.” he says.
Awkward silence.
“ Jack, I can’t believe you’re this stupid that you actually bully him into being your boyfriend and don’t realize that almost at all. And once more, I can’t believe that you’ve left behind a trail of false evidence because you want everyone to think what you choose to believe about him yourself. You’re completely delusional. He’s most likely straight and you’re violently, forcing him to be your boyfriend against his will and you are bisexual. I don’t think he wants you at all. I think he doesn’t have the ability to say no anymore and I think you’re taking that from him to some degree. But I think you want homosexual sex, and I think you lie about that to everybody, including yourself.” she says.
He thinks.
“ oh, right know it all. What if that’s true?” he laughs. “ why the fuck do I have to care?? Look I don’t know who you are or why you’re talking to me, but you need to understand some thing about life the strong win the week die. God cares about the weak. He cares about children too. But he doesn’t do anything to stop us. And I am not about to let you tell me what I can, and cannot do as a grown man.
I have no reason to take this conversation seriously except I know that you could be real whatever the hell you are. And you’re telling me things that you know I don’t want to hear things that scare me. But I am not about to be bullied by you.
I know that that man would do anything for me. He would take a bullet for me. He would kiss my ass for eternity if I asked him to, and not politely neither. When you’re somebody like me, you don’t have to ask for favors people offer them to you constantly. I have people asking to have sex with me every day. People ask me constantly and I let him do it because I’m his friend.
That’s how friendship works. Big guys like me who are impressive and scare you shitless do favors for guys like him. guys like me tell people the truth even though it’s scary when they really need to hear it.
I am not particularly interested in anything more. You have to say because I know that I was loved. My parents loved me. My siblings love me God loves me. My country loves me and there’s absolutely no reason in the world to ever think for a second that just because I happen to be in fellowship with a homosexual man that I am a homosexual myself. Or that he has somehow gotten to me. Look, it’s like this. I grew up in a very unusual family. We had a lot of money and we didn’t see sex is something that you do just to have babies. And so when I let him suck my cock and it makes him feel happy inside because he’s crazy. We both benefit he gets to have a boyfriend in his imagination I let him think that because I’m a real nice guy and I get to have relief I don’t have to feel so tense anymore. Jackie doesn’t have to sleep with me. She can just go to bed after she finishes her chapter in her book or her knitting or whatever it is that she’s up to. You’ll see you someday when you get married little girl because I’m sure that’s what you are That when you sleep with a man, there are days you don’t want to and those days you’d rather just go to bed and read your book and it’s not personal. And Jack is tired too. And so Lem helps us out. He’s a real good pal. 
But he’s not a servant he’s not unhappy you don’t need to worry about him. He’s my best friend. He’s a very happy man. We’ve done a hell of a lot for him and my family and we didn’t need to do none of that, but we did that because we care we’re Christian kind loving people.
We always do the right thing when it comes down to it which is why I’m going to tell you that you need to stop poking around in other peoples sexual business when you don’t know what sex even is.
I don’t need your help but thank you very much for trying to explain something to me about how grumpy Mr. Billings is.” says JFK.
Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana plays.
Dylan dances.
Ron Craft dies. His grandson shoot’s himself.
Eric loads his gun.
Ten demons run for cover in 50 years.
Lacey dances.
2:00
“And beyond.” corrects Lacey.
AIDS spreads.
“Yeah!” says Palestine.
The song plays.
“How low?” says King.
3:44
“Oh well.” says Joe Junior in 2019.
The song plays.
JFK shakes his smelly ass as Americans kiss it. All over the Internet.
The song ends.
“You guys I’m confused.” says Marjolijn. “As much as she’s in love with Louis. Excuse me in love with Lem. Louis isn’t unattractive.”
Awkward silence.
“Do you think maybe you’re misunderstanding something?” she says.
“No! Not at all!!!” says Great Britain with a wink.
“But do you think that Jack might’ve actually been bisexual?” she says nodding.
“No, not really!” says America. “See…it’s a ‘bro-job’. So…you’ve never heard of those?” 
“I don’t think those are real because I’m mostly straight and I’m a slight bit bisexual and I am Dutch so I’m not quite so scared about such things. I am mostly straight. I’m married to a man very happily most of the time, but I am not scared of that part of myself, and I kind of think that maybe he was like that too. It’s where he was attracted to women, but he was also attracted to men which is why he wanted what you call a ‘bro-job’” she says. 
“No…I mean bro jobs are real because when you a man puts his mouth on your dick, it’s-it doesn’t mean anything if you can’t see his face.” says America.
“But you still know that it’s a man and it still feels like a man’s mouth.” she says.
“Men and women don’t have different sized anything just kidding that’s probably true but I mean I don’t think I’m thinking about the size of the mouth when I am feeling the extraordinary pleasure of oral sex.” says a closeted bisexual.
“But that’s not psychologically possible you you could somewhat not notice, but there’s a part of your brain that would notice.” she says.
“But then that would mean that I’m not straight and I know that I am so so nevermind to you! Geez!!” says America.
“Except…she’s right. He was bisexual.” says Switzerland.
“Let’s try him again!!!” says Megan.
Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana plays.
The song plays.
Dylan kills someone. Laughs. High fives Lacey. Except she’s not there. And he doesn’t know that. He just senses her.
2:20
“Why are you killing these people?” she asks them.
“Death.” says Eric.
3:13
“Why them?” says Lacey.
3:34
“Jack has a tiny dick!!” yells Joe, laughing at him.
4:06
The song plays.
“Because. …I felt it was wise.” says Eric.
4:37
“I get it.” says Lacey.
The song ends. Eric nods.
“Sorry we couldn’t shoot you.” apologizes Dylan.
“Are you being serious?” says Lacey.
“Yeah!” says Eric.
The song restarts.
“Sorry!” says Dylan hugging her.
They walk off.
“I’m sorry. If I made any mistakes.” says Lacey.
“Think nothing of it!!” says Eric.
The song ends.
“Alright.” says Marjolijn.
“Jack!” says Megan.
He looks up at her in 1963.
It’s May. May 1963.
“Jack they’re going to shoot you.” says Megan.
“I doubt it!” he says.
Losing patience Lacey plays Song 2.
“What!? You doubt it!?” yells Megan.
Demons freak out. She’s never done this before.
He smiles and nods.
“Why DO YOU THINK YOU COULD BE SHOT!?” yells Marsie. “Lacey just stop interrupting us. We’re talking about something important. You’re fucking childish idiot.”
Eric laughs.
“Marsie…Mercy, Mercy.” says Dylan.
The song ends.
The song plays again.
“Yes…I do worry that I could be shot. There’s been talk about that.” says JFK to a voice in his head.
“So you’ve been warned that you could be shot!?” says Marsie.
“Yes…people have warned me about that but it’s extremely unlikely!!” says JFK. “You can’t live in fear about stuff like that! I know it’s possible…so I appreciate you telling me that whoever you are…but I don’t think it’s likely. I think it’s really more of a scare tactic than anything else if it’s even possible…but you know so many things are possible…and you can’t live in that sort of fear.”
1:40
“But how serious of a threat does it seem to be Jack?” says Megan.
“What…do you mean?” he says.
The Distance by Cake plays.
“Well see I don’t have any reason to be suspicious of any of the people who are close to me or who I know so my only real worry would be people who are outside of my circle. There are several governors who are very angry with me right now as you may know, but we’re working out our differences and I would say that it’s very unlikely that I would ever be shot. It’s pretty unlikely so there’s maybe a 20% chance I could be shot. Okay??” he says.
1:04
“Jack you’re going to be shot!” says Laura.
1:21
Erin shakes her butt. Chris snacks it. They giggle. Rock it out. Bang their heads. Have fun together with the music.
“Why are you so worried?” says JFK.
“Because you’re going to be shot!” says Laura.
2:48
The song ends.
Semi-Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind plays.
Lacey eats Twizzlers.
“This tastes like cherry lip balm. I love it. I’m sorry. It’s…fun.” says Lacey.
1:55
“It’s like eating scratch and sniff stickers. Those cruel things.” says Lacey. “Twizzlers!”
The song plays.
The song plays.
Joe blows up in 1944.
The song plays.
“Twizzlers!” says Lacey. “It’s pathetic. Certainly not a replacement for love. But…they are fun.”
“That’s BEYOND pathetic.” says Satan seriously.
“Yes!! But it’s fun.” says Lacey.
Bound For The Floor by Local H plays.
Eric and Dylan try to shoot Lacey. But first she has to be there.
1:07
“Okay. So you’re here.” says Dylan.
She restarts the music.
Hides in a bass case.
“Shit.” says Eric.
She tries again.
Hides in a filing cabinet.
“We lose again.” says Eric.
She hides in a kitchen.
“Nope.” says Dylan.
She hides in a hidden janitor room.
They laugh.
She hides in a bathroom.
“Almost.” says Dylan.
2:26
She hides in a library.
“Mm…” says Eric. “Try again.”
She hides in…an open area. Just sits there.
The song ends.
Walkin’ On The Sun by Smash Mouth plays.
“We may have shot you, but to be honest, we both find you attractive and so it’s possible that we wouldn’t have.” says Dylan. Eric nods.
Lacey stands up. Walks up to them. Taps them on the back.
Her and Eric make eye-contact. They stand in silence.
“What the fuck do you want!? We have to get going.” says Dylan.
“Why haven’t you shot me?” says Lacey.
The song ends.
“Because you’re too attractive to die so young.” says Eric. They walk off.
Where Is My Mind by Pixies plays.
“OK this is just really sad what you’re doing. It’s just really sad!” says Lacey. 
“No…someday you’ll understand and you’ll thank me!” says Eric.
The song plays.
“I’m doing it for you, you’re not crazy!” says Eric.
Dylan nods. They shoot more shots. Three more kids die.
“I know where Lem’s mind was. It was in the gutter, sucking Jack’s cock!” says America in 2008.
“Did we actually go too far!?” say the Boomers.
The song ends.
“Yeah. You did.” says Laura. “Obviously so.”
Vertical Horizon “Everything You Want” plays.
JFK wakes up. On November 22nd.
He thinks of the poop smear in his white underwear. Shrugs.
He tightens his ass. As usual. Sitting in the convertible. He loves playing with his butt muscles. Out of habit. Not for sexual pleasure reasons for men. Because it’s sexually pleasing to him. Slightly. It makes him feel powerful.
“Jack you’re going to end-up dead.” says Megan Mullally.
“Why the fuck do people care so much about him? I don’t get it. You guys…it’s not normal.” says Dylan Kleebold.
No One Knows by Queens of the Stone Age plays.
“Because we feel like we should?” says America.
“Okay…but why do you feel like you should?” says Dylan.
“Because it’s a really patriotic thing to do, I guess.
I mean he is arguably the most important US President we’ve ever had the entire time we’ve been a country…and I think it’s important to us as a nation to celebrate what he did. The life that he led…the beauty that he brought us with his wit…and his charisma, and his ability to understand what it really means to be human.
I think he was arguably the best president we’ve ever had!!! And…I think almost anyone that really knows anything about history would probably say that.” says America in 2025.
2:19
“Lacey do you think Hell is like comprised of retarded babbling idiots at this point?” asks Satan seriously.
“How could she not wonder?” says Saint Paul.
3:06
“I think it’s very upsetting.” says Lacey.
3:25
“So Jack you’re going to die today!” says Megan.
“I doubt that!” he says.
“Okay…but you really are!!” yells Meghan.
“Well…someone would have to kill me and that’s not likely.” says JFK.
“You guys could’ve possibly helped him if you had just taken what Lacey was saying or what he’s saying that indicates that Lem was straight seriously even in this conversation.” says Dylan Kleebold.
Song 2 (Live) by Blur plays.
“The crowd needs to shut up. They’re ruining the song.” says Lacey.
“They’re too middle class to know that.” says Dylan.
The song plays.
“Wow! They’re so STUPID!!” says Lacey. “SHUT-UP!”
“But it’s fun for them.” says Blur.
“It hurts to hear it.” says Lacey.
“It is vile.” says Satan at 2:27.
The weird noise fixes the vibe.
The song ends.
Island In The Sun by Weezer plays as JFK cruises down the road. On the morning of November 22nd, 1963.
“You’re about to get shot sweetheart. Jack…you’re going to die and then you’re going to torment me…because you’re a miserable, silly little bitch.” says Lacey to JFK.
1:20
“You’ve been molesting and raping Lem since you first met him and forcing me to live in Hell because you’re a useless piece of shit without Christ, by choice. You should’ve never been born sweetheart but there are probably hundreds of thousands of other people who could say the same thing…by choice…about themselves. It doesn’t have to be painful. Listen…just let yourself die. Just apologize to Christ and hope that you come back in 100 years and don’t cease to exist forever…because I’d like to think you can be more than just a meaningless piece of human shit.” says Lacey to JFK.
3:00
“Why am I going to torment you? You’re my mommy! I can tell!” says JFK.
“No I’m not your mother. I could have been, but your father was too evil.” she says. “And I just wasn’t meant to be with him.”
“So I’m going to die, mother?” he says.
“Yup! You’re about to be shot in the head!
Just try to focus on repenting and worshiping Christ as you die?” says Lacey.
“Well…I guess that sounds about right.” he says.
“I shouldn’t have pushed Lem in the swimming pool.” he says like a child right before being shot.
“Pushed him in the swimming pool!?!” scoffs a Boomer.
“He is currently unconscious and cannot respond to you. Yes that was genuinely his last subconscious thought. You see…this was a real conversation. …And I’m sorry you were too stupid to realize that.” says Dylan Kleebold.
Pumped Up Kicks by Foster Up Kicks plays.
Demons dance in glee and absolute terror both as the first school shooters pull out their guns.
“It’s gone too far.” says a demon. “This genuinely makes no sense. Humans are going too far. We drove you all insane.”
Lem’s kids play video games.
No one’s hair is on fire from his cigarette.
“He was…significant. But by ignoring her honest…intelligent…rational ideas you’ve ruined that. You’ve made him Constantine. Again or equal to him. …And he’s mad. Incredibly mad.” says Dylan Kleebold.
The song restarts.
“I had a gay man rape me once. …I got very confused. …You all are morons.” says a dead cowboy. “We didn’t know what homosexuality was. …It took me as an adult years to figure it out. It was scary as Hell!”
The song plays.
Keen to Cross the Pond 