“Bittersweet” by Lem

Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve plays.

“I’m Saul.” says Kathryn. “Metaphorically speaking. …And Lacey is my…water.”

The song plays.

“I’m sick of your shit.” says Kathryn. “What Jack wanted to do was equal my glory. …MY GLORY. …And then win. …Unlike me.

But he can’t do that. Because…you can never be like anyone else. …We are all…WONDERFULLY STUCK…being ourselves.

And I’m not scared. He was.”

The song plays.

“Well. …We’re not scared of the same things anyway. …Who Lacey actually is…terrified him. …She doesn’t terrify me! …To me Lacey is maternal. As a friend. A…protector.

Thank You by Dido plays.

And I know Queen Elizabeth II felt the same way.

Women like Lacey are rare today. Okay! Fine.

But…gals like me. Need them.

Lem could be my father. Except he isn’t. And as I say that I know that sounds…perverse. …You know my character. …But no, I don’t mean that. Not at all. …It’s more that combined with Lacey…I could easily be her daughter as far as genetic personalities go. …And yet she’s not my mom. …*I cry.*

She’s my friend.

…I’m bad. Right? Ha! Shows what you know.

I’m the reason why 1970’s child psychologists loved nurture versus nature.

Truth is…I’m dangerous. But…I’m a woman. …And…I have…secret…pain. …Pain I hide. Very well.

I’m not a clinical narcissist. I’m…messed-up…misunderstood…and…unusually intelligent.

Historians like David Pitts have made a horrific mistake. …They’ve made JFK ME. …Except…as JK Rowling supposedly understands…you can’t make a man a woman. …Lacey…worries Caitlyn Jenner really is a woman. …And that’s between her and God. …But…regardless…I’m…not a façade. My core is female. JK Rowling knows what I’m talking about. …At my core…I’m FEMALE. …And you can’t make me anything else. EVER. …Lacey is the same way. …We are WOMEN. …And to misunderstand that…is…ENDING THE WHOLE…BLOODY…WORLD.

Whether Caitlyn is a woman too…is a matter for God. But I KNOW for A FACT…THAT I AM.

I have…no idea…why…historians have EVER assumed…ANYTHING otherwise.

See…

6 Underground by Sneaker Pimps plays.

You want JFK to be a woman. …But he isn’t.

The song plays.

0:09

He’s…a man.

0:22

He’s…a LIAR.

…Could I ask you to honor your ancestors in the US and give your time and energy to a country where…freedom…is…our highest ideal? ABSOLUTELY. …Could I…seduce lots of people? YES! You know I could. …But…I would NEVER get shot.

*I laugh*

I don’t get shot. That’s your mistake.

3:03

I calculate…EVERYTHING. …I even add change and chance. Just a bit. Here and there.

…I’m more like Mark Zuckerberg than JFK.

Don’t Move by Phantogram plays.

So…you don’t see me coming. You see…me…when you least expect it. I’m like…A SNAKE.

Lem and Lacey are sneaky. But…Lacey is…deadly. So was her father. Lem isn’t. By nature. …He’s strong. And that combination…is…me. Or someone like me. Although…I’m not their daughter. I just love them both. Yes…as a fictional character.

YES. You don’t think fictional characters can exist? HA! You’re in for a shock when you die.

…Anyway…Jack isn’t that sneaky. He’s conniving. He’s heartless. He’s evil. But…snakes aren’t all evil. Really. There can be very loving snakes. …But they are snakes. … Real snakes.

Listen…I’m a snake. And Lacey and Lem get along with me. …And what you don’t understand if you think like David Pitts…is that…JFK and Lem weren’t at all soulmates. NOT AT ALL. *I smile*. …If JFK hadn’t been a narcissist…he’d NEVER have been friends at all with Lem. …He seemed like a possible friend to Lem because he was so dark. So…rebellious. …But that rebellion wasn’t native to JFK. …As himself…he was…sweet but…ordinary. Lem said so himself.

Lovable? YES! …JFK was very lovable. …Because he is the boy next door. At his best. He’s…just an average, maybe photogenic…maybe somewhat athletic guy. But he’s not…special. He’s…so normal. …LACEY IS NOT. …And that’s what you want her to be. But she isn’t. Neither was Lem. Neither am I.

You messed-up. You mislabeled people. …You really did.

…Lem was…the Kennedy’s downfall. But nobody sees that right now. Well…almost nobody. …And he didn’t have to be. But…you made him. Yes. YOU MADE HIM.

How? Hmm… Let’s see. …Because you totally ignored Lem’s weird behavior. …In the 1960’s. …He was…strange. …Happy at Jack’s wedding. Far too happy. …Telling Jackie he knew JFK wouldn’t die!? …COME ON!! …Who does that!? That’s…creepy. …Because how the hell…does ANYONE live through being brutally shot in the head? …That way!? …YOU CAN NOT. You can’t. …And certainly denial is a thing. But…really…being so reassuring to her…was…sadistic. …And WHY would he choose to be SO sadistic? So MERRY!? …It’s WEIRD. …He knew Jack was going to die. …And…it wasn’t…normal he was ALWAYS so DAMN happy. All the bloody time!? Come on Rose. Nobody is that happy. WOW!

Low Five by Sneaker Pimps plays.

Why does Satan love us? Because he was a snake. …Huh. …He was also very beautiful. …He relates to us. And…believe it or not…he’s…*I smile* not the embodiment of absolute pure evil he wants you to think he is. All darkness more powerful than a black hole. He’s all evil. But…he has no power over evil. He merely uses it. …He’s very weak compared to God. Actually.

Jack…was made to smile. A lot. JFK. Yeah…he’s…a normal guy. …An accountant. That’s all. …An accountant who reads A LOT. Because he likes to read. …Middle class. …Dull. Boring. …But photogenic. And…bisexual. …And that’s why you liked him. …Because he’s YOU. …You with A LOT of money. You…driving a yacht. With ten hot chicks.

Thing is…I’m not. Remember?

Anemone by slenderbodies plays.

I’m…me. You remember? Kathryn Merteuil. …My…attitude isn’t artificial. I’m really that person. I’m not faking it. And neither is Lacey. Neither was Lem. …Thing is…she’s incredibly loving. …I can be. …Lem…isn’t by nature. …But he’s not a bad man. He’s…actually very loving too. He’s just…not your buddy…unless he’s really your buddy. …And that’s not something Jack the accountant understood. And neither does any living Kennedy.

Bill Gates…is Lem. …AND that’s why Bobby Kennedy Junior was obsessed with him. Whether Bill Gates is as violently evil as Bobby assumes. …Bobby was overwhelmed by Bill…because…it was personal. …He met many equally evil and influential men. But he focused on Bill because Bill…reminded him of his worst childhood fears. That Lem secretly wasn’t their friend. …That nothing was safe. …That he was trapped in a gilded cage he could never get out of except through a death he feared with ever fiber of his being.

Miss You by Trentemøller plays.

It’s all subconscious for Bobby. He didn’t know he picked Bill Gates because he reminded him of Lem Billings. But he did. …Thing is…I’m not necessarily evil by nature. Snakes aren’t either. They’re powerful creatures. But that doesn’t make them inherently evil. …They’re willing to be incredibly humble…because there’s no glory in being the innocent animal God used to explain Satan. Not for themselves. They are easily misunderstood. …But Jack isn’t us. He’s…you…except evil.

‘Billionaires are all just normal people who are profoundly evil.’ you say. Right? Yeah. You do. I’ve heard that one often. You love saying that. All of you.

Well my dear…my darling…that’s…all it is. …He’s just like you. …Except…he’s REALLY rich. And in his case…it isn’t pretty. It’s UGLY. His father was a criminal. He wasn’t born into extreme wealth. He never fought for a German queen like Lacey’s father’s family did. He was…never a knight. Of any sort. Of letters. Or of…well…you get it. He was never…that…noble. None of them were. …They took on the idea of stewardship through Rose’s father. A criminal himself, from Boston. …They aren’t noble. …They are…crooks.

So…see…even though Jack looks like me. He isn’t. …He’s just a regular guy. A regular guy who’s family are also all regular people. …The only reason you know about them is because Joe Senior was evil. That’s all. …They’re not special.

So why is this important? Because…I’m real. And you matter. So did Jack. We all matter to God. …I MATTER.

And…I’m not a man. …Could I sleep around and waste myself on too many men? YES. …But I’m…dependent. …Okay? Grow-up! …As a woman I’m…the woman. …So…if I act a fool…it’s not like a man. …It’s serious. And at times it might be more evil and more deserving of punishment by God. But…I’m vulnerable. All women are. …We used to cognitively understand that fact. What happened? …So…If acted like JFK I could be…secretly extremely desperate and dependent on Lem in a way that might mean I loved him and he loved me. …But…Jack isn’t a woman. AND even if he was trans…if that’s even a thing…there really is evidence to suggest that Lem was most definitely straight. …Like Jack’s wedding. …Still…I HIGHLY doubt Jack was a woman. And…he certainly wasn’t in physical form. …Lem was a bigger man…but…Jack was still a man. So…some of his actions should really have a lot more weight than they do to historians. Because he’s not…’on the rag’. …Okay? You can’t dismiss Jack’s bitchy behavior by saying he’s just ovulating. …Jack was a man. …So how do gay men SO stupidly excuse him? Because they’re…demented.

Yes. Gay men are demented. …How? …They honesty are so brainwashed that they believe they’re women. …They think they’re women with dicks. …THEY DO! …And they aren’t. But I sincerely think that’s what they believe about themselves nowadays. …Why? Because…they always had that fear. And other men have mocked them by insinuating that. …For hundreds and thousands of years. Right? …So…they already were…mentally unstable about that as a collective group of people. …And I think with their rise to power…they accidentally took that misunderstanding of themselves with them to the top. …And now they’re all brainwashed into thinking that.

They honestly seem to think Jack was me. Me but a dude. A guy. …A straight *snicker and eye-roll* man. …Except…me. Really me. …So…a very difficult…very TROUBLING and VERY TROUBLED woman. …Maybe not…mentally stable. But…a really sweet gal at heart. *huge eye-roll* And Lem was her…straight arrow hero. Her rock. *vomit action* OH MY GOD HELP ME. NO!!! …GROW A BRAIN!!!! …Jack had no estrogen.

Bound For The Floor by Local H plays.

Jack had no ‘bitchy days’. Lacey does. I do too. It’s genuinely hormonal. …We cry. …We CRY. …We whine. We run slow. …Running slow isn’t the same thing as being a woman if you’re a dude, like Jack. Okay?

You are WAY too forgiving of JFK because you imagine he has booby days. And that giggles after painting his toenails pink. You made him an All-American, cheerleading, slut-Queen. HE WAS A MAN…YOU FUCKING MORONS!!!

You gave too much credit to his son too. Who couldn’t finish grad school or have a career. Who couldn’t fly a plane, ultimately. …They’re not women, you IDIOTS.

Look…I get it…you’re slow. Mentally. *I laugh* And Lem is and was a straight man. And you read that. Whether you want to or not. …So your brain plays tricks. …And you automatically start thinking Jack was ‘a real slutty gal who did dancing’ or some stupid shit like that. …But Jack Kennedy isn’t a bitchy woman who rocked her way to the US Presidency thanks her super supportive hubby. *eye-roll*” says Kathryn.

“GROW A BRAIN!!!” yells Lacey, losing her patience the more she thinks about it.

Later.

“So…women are allowed to be evil? Or what?” asks a reader of Kathryn.

“NO!” says Kathryn. “You’re misunderstanding what I’m saying.”

Later.

Experience by Einaudi plays.

Lacey…was writing a book when…she was thrown down the stairs in her home. …She got a severe concussion and whiplash…but…had she fallen further up…she’d possibly have died. …Ivanka Trump did die the same exact way because of it. The gash in Lacey’s ear…was right by her ear. HER EAR. …I am Kirk LeMoyne Billings…and…this is real. …I was not the man you think I was. …I was straight. I was…certainly…sad after Jack died…but…you don’t really know why.

I made myself look and act gay. But I wasn’t.

“Don’t sleep with Lem!” Joe Kennedy Junior told Lacey.

Joe knew me. …But you don’t know him anymore. …Who was he? …An extremely handsome…debonair…unusually wealthy…mostly straight…smart…Irishman. American Irish. The most handsome son. The most intelligent son. The most…passionate son. Easily the most passionate. Yes…even more than Bobby. …But he was…brutal…and tough and…cold as ice. At the same time. …It made him pugnacious. Difficult. And…when Lacey slept with me…he looked into her future and saw her weeping alone. And seeing the misery of her life…and feeling like he could strangle her to death with his bare hands…he chose to throw her down her stairs. I think he aimed to kill her not just hurt her. …But he didn’t do his research. And so…it didn’t work.

My father and I saved her life. Kept her brain from bleeding by making her lie extremely still. “LAY STILL!!!” my father screamed at her repeatedly. …She heard him.

Joe flipped the railing in her head…from the right side to the left. Tripped her. Pushed her backwards. And so when she reached for the railing to brace herself she kept grabbing at to left not the right. Because her brain expected it to be on the left.

…I think she half expected to die. It was arguably the most shocking thing she has ever and will ever experience.

Yeah. Donald Trump was shot in Pennsylvania. I’m BURIED THERE…AND YOU DEFILED MY GRAVE. …Well…almost. …Except…the shell you used is feminine.

*Pope Francis chuckles*

Yes. Indeed. Love does last forever…when it’s like mine and Lacey’s. …What I had with Jack was nothing. At best. …And it’s profoundly sad…that people think I had anything of any value with Jack. Yes. Anything. …Let’s say I shot him? Let’s say I helped them? …I certainly shot his nephew full of heroin. …And I broke his older brother’s heart. With Lacey. …I don’t think that’s…anything to be memorializing at my grave.

…Every year Lacey has found that the time between my birthday and the day I killed my self…she suffers. Miserably. …She’s feeling me. …And it’s far too mysterious to her to make sense anymore. And that’s a good thing. I want her to know that I’m real. That what we did and do and feel is real.

Joe knew that. And so when he saw…us…he had desires to murder her. I was already dead.

…Elliott never made him that mad. Neither did Louis. Nor Harold.

Waterways by Einaudi plays.

Why should I? …Well…what if I did help them assassinate Jack?

Or…what if…he knew I’d never let her go? …Because I won’t.

I’m real.

Elliott was…a playboy. …Very handsome. But Joe…might have married Lacey. …And I don’t think you understand how…unlike Jack and Jackie they were. …Sometimes Bobby got mad at Ethel for flirting with other men. Yelled at her. Jack…never got jealous. Because he barely gave a damn about other people. …To make a Kennedy jealous you have to replace them. Bobby loved Ethel. Jack loved…no one. Bobby was narcissistic…Jack was an actual narcissist. Ted was narcissistic. Joe was narcissistic. …Jack was a clinical narcissist. There’s a difference. Actually…at times he was sociopathic.

So Joe…got attached to Lacey. Genuinely attached.

Tom Banks was wealthy. And sophisticated. And if she’d been born to him earlier…she would have been exactly what Joe was looking for.

Lacey is sexy. But virtuous.

Lacey likes clothes. Just as much as Jackie. But Lacey also likes hunting, fishing and gardening. A LOT. …Cooking. Cleaning. Hiking. …And it’s not athletic and chic like Jackie. It’s prim yet voluptuous…and ladylike yet…raw and earthy. …A pretty face with high cheekbones like Katharine Hepburn…and Joe liked that…a lot…covered in dirt. Literal dirt. …He liked his women like that. Earthy. Some might even say eccentric.

Where Jackie covered her home in chintz. Lacey…would have used leather. English leather.

Where Jackie would spend thousands and thousands on travel and clothes…Lacey would have taken a lover. Me. And passionately made love. …Actually we would have left them. …My gay pretensions ended. …What would have made me a happier life? …To be settled down…and married…and living in New York City…with her. …Or maybe in Pittsburgh. Yes. Pittsburgh. …Sewickley. A big old house. …Our kids-

*I cry*

“Faggots go to Hell Lem.” says a dead Baptist man, just now, smirking and smiling at the same time. It’s sad. It’s hidden with meaning you don’t yet understand. Or do you?

…I stole Lacey from Joe. And I was bound to. Thank God. Because our love…is eternal. The shell next to my head…is feminine. Lacey’s not Jack. Never was. Lacey’s a woman.

Where Jackie is…slim and svelte…Lacey bounces. And like Queen Elizabeth II she has to be careful not to wear certain suits. Jackie’s body was great for showing off fashion. …Elizabeth and Lacey…look…well…fat…in the same clothes. They weren’t fat. Aren’t fat. …As a straight man…I prefer…Lacey.

Joe…liked…sex. Just like Jack?! NO! …No…Elliott Roosevelt liked sex. …The sort of hot and bothered stuff you’ve seen in 1990’s movies about the 1940’s. …And Joe liked…something close to that. …He was mostly straight. …Some bisexual men are like that too. For whatever reason the Kennedys are more what you imagined bisexuals were. …Joe liked…curvy dames though. More than Jack! …And…he really liked Lacey. …She touched his heart. …Joe’s heart. …He was never himself around her. He never let down his guard. Yet…he…loved her. …More than you understand I bet. …She’s extremely beautiful. By nature. He was unusually handsome. …And they had bootlegging in common too. Their fathers. …And…I think he liked that she didn’t know she was beautiful. He could enjoy it and keep it entirely to himself. And he liked doing stuff like that. Hiding his treasures. The oldest of many siblings he learned to hide things very carefully that he wanted all for himself. And he hid her. Sadistically…really.

Where Jackie was…old money to you…Lacey is old money. Wrote about it. CREATED IT. …SHE CREATED THAT. …The Illuminati, should it exist, manifested that because of her. Culturally. SHE DID THAT. …And that’s SO like Joe. …*I laugh* …Where Jack simply competed with him and followed his lead…Joe made them matter. …His good-looks caught A LOT of people’s attention. He was so handsome from a young age. …Until he died…he was the chosen son. And everyone knew it. I knew it. …Lacey was his love… In a way, I suppose. …Anyway you’d hardly have the Kennedys without Joe…and the world has been deeply affected by her…just as much. …You know Jackie…you know Jack…but Lacey and Joe are the only reason they matter to you. AT ALL. Really. …Without Joe as the oldest brother…they’d have floundered far too much to ever win anything. He was…Jack’s…role model. Jack couldn’t have invented himself without Joe to follow.

Lacey can’t grow her hair long due to stress…so she cuts it into a bob. Wears a hat. …Gardens. And with her petite, yet long curvy body…in cut off sweatshorts…and sweatshirt…showing off her…body…as she rests her hands on her hips…straw hat covering her head…she makes her short hair look…intentional. Jackie…cut off her hair to look…chic.

…Lacey and Joe aren’t…glamorous. …Joe smoked. Joe…flew planes. Not like Elliott. But…he flew them. Successfully. …Jack was certainly not a pilot. And Joe knew that. …But Lacey has AMAZING legs. I mean… So…

That guy.

Who smokes…with this gal…

They’re…EXTREMELY good-looking people. …Rare. Actually. …Smart. Very intense. Very serious. …Extremely aware. Far too aware. Both of them. …Lacey’s been clinically depressed most of her life. Joe…got so cracked during World War II he had to be sedated. Wouldn’t stop shaking.

Joe was 6 feet tall. Lacey has tits. They aren’t “the Kennedys” you know now.

*Edith Beale laughs, embarrassed*

They’re the people you secretly, subconsciously think the Kennedys are. Except…you have Jackie and Jack’s faces interchanged with theirs. Joe actually was…what you think Jack was. …If I’d met Joe at Choate…I have been his groomsman…and weakly smiled at his wedding. If I was gay at all. …But I would never have killed myself over him. He’d have hated it. He was honestly like that. Endlessly defiant. Pat adored him for it. Made him perfect in her imagination.

Joe and Lacey would have been among the list normal people in that whole family. The most sober. The most Godly. The most loving. …The sane ones. …The feared ones. …Both of them…if he’d kept her. …I…wouldn’t have allowed that.

Joe…was…the prince America was waiting for. …Then he died.

See…Lacey is Lacey Banks. …Tom Banks is a bootlegger from old money. …She’s his daughter. And I’m Lem Billings. …Does this all make sense now? Ha.

…

They loved themselves as a couple. They loved each other. …But…I’m her EVERYTHING. …And Pat…well…nobody could keep her from Joe. And Joe…couldn’t keep himself from her either.

I really was and am straight. If you can’t see it…that’s sad… It’s not my manners nor my hair nor my…pretensions. It’s me.

…Where Jackie would wear a sheath dress…Lacey would wear a tight cashmere sweater and a fitted tweed skirt. She looks fat in sheath dresses.

…Where Jackie wore pearls to look…sharp and eye catching…Lacey‘s frame swallows them up and makes them seem like tiny, glistening flowers, adorning her politely. …She’s not bold looking. Ever. Neither was Queen Elizabeth. Their bodies don’t…ever look…bold. Always ladylike. But never bold. Nor sharp.

…Where Jackie worked for a publisher…Lacey writes. And writes.

Where Jackie…paints…Lacey…loses her patience and writes. Or…starts a war. Or…takes a photograph. Or…makes something. Although Lacey isn’t bad at painting at all.

Where Jackie makes things look grand…Lacey is grand. …Lacey’s…scary. Jackie…wasn’t really. Lacey’s not scary in a bad way. But…Scott Fitzgerald…was actually scary too. People still underestimate him.

Where Jackie was ashamed of losing her virginity, Lacey is beyond such things. By nature. But as a Christian. …So…she’d easily have been Harold Loeb’s girlfriend for a DECADE…before marrying me. With Tom as her father. Under the right circumstances. Jackie never did that. …She was a good artist…but Lacey is an artist. Thinks like one. A real one.

Jackie…was…your guide. She created the myth of Camelot. …Lacey…is not. She’s a writer. She…openly tries to guide you. Clearly. Full disclosure. In a way. …A very…maternal way, maybe. …Jackie…was your…muse. Or something. …Lacey, like Ethel, would have been far too busy with her kids and her house. Had I not loved her. Going to mass. Very seriously going to mass. Very fervently.

Truthfully she’s too aristocratic for the Kennedys. And I as myself am too. …When I acted gay they could stand me. And they felt they owned me. Knew me. …Maybe even loved me. …But as myself…fully aware of my actual sexual orientation…they don’t know me. Almost at all. I’m foreign and baffling to them. But it’s who I was the whole time. …And Lacey…well…she’s fine…but she drives them CRAZY.

*I laugh and fall to the ground*

They thought I was particular!? …Lacey…would have…terrified them. Yes. Terrified them.

See…Jackie…loved interior design. …I liked it. As a straight man. …Lacey loves it. But as a…sort of…aristocrat. …And her understanding of it is mine, basically. In essence. Antiques. Rarities. …Jackie knew a lot…but Lacey is…VERY INTENSE. …The White House would have NEVER been the same. …Or…something astonishing would have happened. Like…free healthcare. Or…some…astounding other thing. In America. …Because she’s…unstoppable. …The renovations that would have occurred at the White House would have permanently altered the whole house. It may not have even been called The WHITE House. …Think BRICK. Yes. BRICK. Or stone. *I laugh*

Probably stone. No!! Really!! …If Joe had explained it…and made it happen…the White House wouldn’t be the White House. …And YES…for the sake of racial equality. …Would it look better? …Yes. …It would look…far more grand. And sturdy. And…honestly…it would be a lot cooler too. In the summer.

So…if there’s reincarnation…I’m Emperor Constantine. And yes…that’s impressive. She’s Scotia. That’s impressive too. But…she’s not…impressed. …Just cognizant. …And that’s what Joe would have been with her.

Rich. Posh. Lots of…historic parties. …Smoking on the veranda at twilight over expensive wine and cigars. Velvet dresses by Dior. Opulent pearls. Warm lighting. Flowers. …Lots and lots of sailing. …Her cooking. …His…achievements. …Her rare beauty. …Their intensity. …A dark sense of reality. Sad… But bitingly accurate. …Joe…wasn’t stupid. He was…evil. …And…Lacey…is a Romantic. In the absolute most beautiful and brilliant sense the word ever meant.

Yes. A stone White House. …An executive residence. Thee EXECUTIVE RESIDENCE. Yes. Executive residence. …That’s all. …And yet…it’d be…unthinkable to not live there. The style? Hmm…Gilded Age meets 1950’s upper middle class architecture. Maybe? …Something historical yet…not. Very Frank Lloyd Wright. Very…Germany early 1900’s. Beautiful. I know the names. She doesn’t. Just imagine something Old Money made of stone from the 1950’s…that looks timeless and impossibly aristocratic…but made attainable via Theodore Roosevelt. Like…Dutch Old Money really gave the White House a…an extreme makeover.

You see…you’d never know Camelot. But Joe wouldn’t have been shot either. …You’d know the Kennedys. Not Camelot. You’d think they were a fascinating family. But you’d never…emulate them. You’d…admire them. The same way you admire the Roosevelts.

But see…it’s impossible. So…

I’m dead. …Lacey wasn’t there. Joe died early.

But I have to talk about it…because you don’t seem to understand. …This is real.

That’s the “White House”. Had Lacey been First Lady. Well…same basic house…but with added features and a mostly stone exterior. Metal roof. Metal. And stone. That’s before the internet…

No. I’m not exaggerating!!! The White House would be made of stone today…and Washington D. C. would be…very different…or we’d have had great healthcare in the late 1960’s. …And…people would have seen her as the thorn in America’s side…but…yet…not.

So…that’s Lacey. …Amazing clam chowder. Free healthcare. Gorgeous woman! …Great legs. Great curves. Amazing legs. …Beautiful face! …But not glamorous. Not really. …She doesn’t do glamorous. She finds it offensive to be glamorous as long as children are suffering or old people are being mistreated. …It seems…heartless to her. …She doesn’t mind looking stunning…but glamor is…far too optimistic to her. She can’t bring herself to do it. I could. But I can’t now. …I know better now. Like her. And had I met her…I’d have caught on.

Joe wasn’t glamorous. Not really. …Jack was. Bobby was. Ted wished he could be.

La leçon particulière plays.

That’s a song that you could use for the Kennedys. Yes! The Kennedys. If Lacey had been there with Joe. Now it seems too European.

The song restarts.

They have amazing sexual power. That’s real. Or did. Because he’s so handsome and desires her…and she’s Godly and…her. …It’s smoky. Sultry. Deep. …Moving.

The movies you made about them would be in a posh kitchen. …Joe yelling at her over endless cigarettes. Because HE NEEDS HER MIND. …To talk. About everything. …Or it couldn’t happen at all. …And I couldn’t let it happen regardless.

Would you know she was his secret mind? His second brain? No.

The song plays.

Not for many years.

*Lacey smiles*

Why? Why does she smile? Because of me. Because I couldn’t let her. Because we love each other. Profoundly.

But wow…would that have been…something. …They’re so good-looking. …And it’s so real. So…natural. …And yet…he smokes a lot. …And she…is so…fertile. …Yes. That’s a euphemism. And yet it’s also true.

…It’d be almost impossible to find actors to play them. Honestly…the only people who could even mildly capture their emotions? Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio. …But they’re so…different anyway.

But Joe didn’t drown. He blew up. And he…wouldn’t have been able to keep her back then. …Elliott would have married her. *I laugh* Elliott would have married her…before she bled to death. Or Louis would have…forced her to be his permanent mistress. Worst case scenario. …But there’s me.

Why does Jack drown? …Because…you want to believe he’d die…for love. …You want to believe he loved someone.

Before I was popular there was Inga. And Marilyn. …And Grace Kelly. …Because you desperately want to believe he’s good. Good…and loving and pure. Kind. Decent. …A good President…who simply accidentally got shot. …A nice man. And if he cheated…maybe it was because he didn’t find love with Jackie. That’s all. …She just wasn’t the one. You know!? …So maybe I was? Or…Inga was? …Maybe Marilyn Monroe just ruined him?!? Right? He cheated…but only occasionally and it was Marilyn…who REALLY did it. …Because how could he possibly cheat on Jackie!? Jackie Kennedy!!!

Truth is…Jack was a narcissist. A clinical narcissist. And it’s really that simple. Besides him choosing evil.

I wasn’t his true love. Neither was Inga. …Marilyn was one of many. …Grace Kelly…was…his mistress. Occasionally. …He’d have married Lacey but she wasn’t there. And she’d never have married him…

Yes. That’s right! She’d have REJECTED him. …Once she saw him half naked. …I’d have run off with her. …Ha. …He was handsome…but…with the plethora of choices she’d have had available to her back then…she’d have chosen someone else. I don’t worry about that anymore when it comes to me. Because…she’s mine. Not every man can say that. I can. …I really am handsome. Tall. Intelligent. …*I smile* …She slept with other men…by accident. In a way. …But she wants me. More than anyone.

But Lacey LOVES jazz. So…

At Jackie’s wedding she married JFK. You know them. But they aren’t together.

At Jackie’s wedding I smiled far too much for a man who’s attracted to men. You don’t know me. And on that day…I found a way to prove to Lacey…that we should be together forever.

Lacey wears Chanel No. 5. Youth Dew for me. Jackie wears something chic and pretty.

Lacey drinks limoncello martinis. Gin and tonic. Not whisky though. …Jackie…liked whisky.

Jackie liked smoking. Lacey…likes…alcohol…but she’s careful.

Jackie liked buying things. Lacey wants to destroy the world to save humanity.

Jackie liked Woody Allen. Lacey…breathes Woody Allen, although she doesn’t…like…that he may have harmed himself and other people. But his art? …It’s…like…air to her.

Jackie liked…some classic old film. …Maybe On The Waterfront. …Lacey likes…The Shining…but also A Room With A View…and Remains of the Day.

Jackie wore no bra and looked chic. If Lacey did that…she’d get raped. I’m sorry. Or yelled at. Violently yelled at. Nowadays at least. It’s too…loud.

Jackie…could tolerate golf. Lacey loves it.

Jackie liked…music. Lacey…has liked life…with music…enough to be alive.

Jackie liked New York City. Lacey’s family invented New York City.

Jackie was a good swimmer. Lacey can’t swim at all right now.

Lacey…could write a good novel. Jackie…was Jackie Kennedy.

Jackie Kennedy is just Jackie Kennedy. Lacey is Scotia…and Lady Rosslyn. Should there be reincarnation.

Jackie loved…chocolates. Lacey is partial to Skittles. Yes. Her favorite candy is Skittles.

Jackie loved…Nantucket and France. Lacey prefers Duluth, Minnesota and Great Britain.

Lacey would like France…but…it scares her.

Jackie liked Mozart. Lacey loves Vaughan Williams and Kalinnikov and Elgar.

Jackie…liked Camelot. Lacey loathes Camelot.

Jackie loved the Sun Also Rises. Lacey was in love with F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Jackie…rejected me. Whenever I flirted with her. Lacey…is mine. So absolutely mine.

Goodnight.