I killed myself today. Over 40 years ago. I chose to let myself have a heart attack and die.
But today Lacey is contemplating what would have happened had she realized her parents didn’t love her…before her first date.
I Wanna Hold Your Hand by The Beatles plays.
Lacey agrees to the date but is entirely cold and analytical. Gets tipsy. Worries about her student loans. Thanks him for dinner.
The song ends.
I’m a Believer by The Monkees plays.
“Shit.” says Lacey. Randomly at the date. “Could you help me with something?” she asks him, in a conniving voice.
The song plays.
He looks confused.
“I mean…I guess.” he says.
“Cool!” says Lacey. “I’m SO BAD AT MATH!” she says.
He looks confused.
The song ends.
She takes another drink.
I Get Around by The Beach Boys plays.
“I’m going crazy…thinking about my student loan debt…like…CRAZY…could you help me analyze how long it will take to pay it off? Like…can we sit down and figure out how long it will take to pay it off…with various different wages?” asks Lacey.
Have You Ever Seen The Rain by Creedence Clearwater plays.
“Sure???” he says very confused.
“GOOD!!!” she says. “Let’s do it tonight!!!” she says. She thinks. “Hold on! I have a pen. Let’s do it right now!”
He takes the pen and paper. Stupefied.
They calculate it.
“WOW!” she says.
They order dessert.
Scenes from an Italian Restaurant plays.
Lacey analyzes.
He looks baffled.
“I’m terrified!” he says, trying to make it a date again.
1:08
The song ends.
All My Loving plays.
“Yeah.
It’s going to take forever.” says Lacey. “SHIT!” she says.
“Well…” he says. He shrugs. “I mean…and then there’s grad school.”
“Yeah!” says Lacey.
They sit in silence.
“Well…let’s go.” she says.
“Okay??” he says annoyed.
The song ends.
“I mean…we have no chemistry. Let’s just be friends.” says Lacey.
He shrugs. Looks sad.
“Come on! You can find someone else!” she says.
He smiles. “Yeah.” he says.
“You’re good at dating.” says Lacey.
He looks less sad.
“I’m just…not going to settle for nothing. You know? We have nothing. You…don’t…seem…that into me?” says Lacey.
“I mean…I like you.” he says.
“But how much?” says Lacey.
“Umm…” he says. He shrugs.
Stuck In The Middle With You by Stealers Wheel plays.
“You’re fine!” she says.
He shrugs.
“You’ll find someone!” she says.
“Yeah.” he says.
She forces herself to smile.
“Let’s go!” she says.
They go.
She decides law school is a waste of money.
Considers suicide.
Decides to pursue art history.
“I mean…you could…play catch-up.” says an art history professor.
Waterways by Einaudi plays.
She decides to play catch-up.
She does.
Suddenly her grades improve.
She graduates in a year and a half.
Does an internship at an art museum.
Is stunned her family has money all of the sudden.
Pays off her debt. Has almost no debt and graduates in 2015 with a PhD.
Song ends.
Future Markets by Jonny Greenwood plays.
Michael Rockefeller looks livid.
“WHY does Lem get to be with her?” he asks God.
The song plays.
“Because he’s her soulmate?” says a demon who helped JFK.
“YOU WENT TOO FAR, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!!!” yells Micheal.
The song plays.
Lacey works at an art museum…with $50,000 in debt. Very few dates.
“She’s a ten.” says a woman from the Greateat Generation who’s confused.
“No. There’s gotta be something wrong with her.” says Bobby.
“There isn’t!!! Why isn’t she dating!?!?” says the woman, totally freaked out.
“No. There’s something wrong with her!” he says.
“No. Not really.
Look…some people are better looking than other people.” she says.
He laughs and shakes his head no.
“This is getting weird!” says the woman to God. “What the HELL is going on!!?”
The song ends.
Hand in My Pocket by Alanis Morissette plays.
The woman screams. Scared.
0:51
She screams.
Cries.
And Alanis, who if there’s an Illuminati, told Lacey to stab herself to death on New Year’s Eve this last January…shakes her stupid ass.
2:13
2:29
“She’s not that pretty.” says Lacey.
“She’s kinda pretty.” says Lacey’s first boyfriend.
“I guess.” says Lacey.
And at that Luigi Mangione decides to kill someone. Because this is outside of time.
“You weren’t supposed to talk to her. And certainly not the way you have. You’ve been unbelievably disrespectful of EVERYONE to ever live.” says God.
You Learn plays as Alanis shakes her tits grinning. Feeling incredibly proud of herself.
“You learn!” she says, arrogantly.
She’s a stubbornly arrogant fool. Even if she’s a good artist. She’s actually a complete idiot possibly. As are most current celebrities. Narcissistic…complete fucking idiots. At least beyond their craft. They are not real intellectuals…at all. Their smarts are as shallow as a wading pool. And…they’re sadly running the world. Should there be an Illuminati. They’re obsessively controlling, myopic, pseudo-intellectual, babbling buffoons.
The song ends.
Under Pressure by Queen plays.
“I killed JFK.” says George Bush Sr.. “If there’s an Illuminati and we killed him. I DID IT!!!” he says.
Lacey laughs.
The song plays.
1:54
“I DID IT!!” yells George Bush, laughing.
“Why don’t they think that matters?” says Lacey.
2:45
“WE ALREADY KNEW!!” yells Alanis.
“NO!! YOU DIDN’T!! YOU STILL DON’T!!” yells George Bush.
She smirks. Rolls her eyes.
“I mean…you can confess…but…” says Anderson Cooper.
“I AM CONFESSING!!!” yells George Bush’s ghost.
Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana plays.
“Are you serious George?” asks the leader of Skull & Bones, if there’s an Illuminati.
“YES!!!!” he yells. “YES!!!!”
The song plays.
“WE SHOT HIM!!!” says George Bush. “I’m sick of this!! …Look…if Micheal Rockefeller takes Lacey from Lem…and he can’t…but if he does…your Hell will be excruciating. YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!!” He almost cries. “YOU ARE RUNNING THE WORLD!! WAKE-UP!!! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!!”
Lacey turns up the song.
And if she’s Scotia He’ll gets hotter. Literally. And more unbearable. Satan is madly in love with her…should there be reincarnation.
4:32
The song ends.
Restarts.
She considers causing massive earthquakes. God stops her.
“How many?” asks Satan, stealing Lem’s voice because he sucked Jack’s cock and professed love for him…when he was heterosexual…and ruined his legacy by accident. If Lem wasn’t heterosexual it wouldn’t be as serious. But people are incredibly gullible and brainwashed and weak today and most men alive today believe Jack was clearly heterosexual and he was not.
Lacey calculates.
3:09
“So women aren’t supposed to have huge breasts and a strong chin line? In your generation?” asks a Millennial.
“No! …She’s a ten.” says the dead woman.
4:23
“A denial.” says Satan. “A denial.”
“Yeah. So she’s ugly?” says a Millennial, smiling.
“NO. She’s not. You’re an IDIOT!” says Satan.
The song ends and restarts.
“60.” says Lacey, very calmly.
The song plays.
“That’s too much drowning.” says Kurt Cobain.
The song plays.
“I’m cool with it.” says Satan.
The song plays.
“He wrote a really good song.” says Lacey.
“Yeah. He did.” says Satan.
The song plays.
“She’s not an alien. Nor a fallen angel. You’re just a hellish, foolish, jealous witch.” says VP Vance in defense of Lacey to her haters who have resorted to calling her a demon instead of just being impressed. Because they’re…psychotically narcissistic.
The song plays.
“I was never even attracted to him.” says Lem to God. “It was a fake account.”
“But you acted convincingly gay.” says God.
Come As You Are by Nirvana plays.
“I can tell it’s fake.” says Lem.
“They can’t!” says God. “It’s very difficult to tell for an average person alive in her time.”
“DAMMIT!!!” yells Lem.
“Bobby knows you were possibly straight. But he’s too conceited and scared to be honest with himself about it. He’s not going to tell anyone what he knows. He likes the idea of being so powerful and loved that people die over him.” says God in 1981.
Beanie by Chezile plays.
“What if we all got hit in the head with giant rocks?” Lacey asks God.
“Yeah!” says Harold Henthorn. “But…that would hurt animals too.”
“True!” says Lacey.
He thinks.
“Nuclear war is also out of the question.” says Harold.
The song ends.
Shawshank Prison (Stoic) by Thomas Newman plays.
“Lacey’s not JFK?” says Alanis Morissette, if there’s an Illuminati. “FUCK!!”
“Yeah. I totally thought she was him reincarnated for sure too. Man!” says another Gen. X celebrity.
The song plays.
Restarts.
“I KILLED HIM!! THAT’S WHAT YOU ARE READING!!!” yells George Bush Sr. at the Illuminati. “THAT’S ME!!!”
Keen to Cross the Pond 