Eric: Today they’re wondering why you can’t be nicer.
Lacey: In what way?
Eric: They believe that you can tell they’re not old money. And so why can’t you be nicer?
Lacey: Because they were being mean.
Eric: Yeah. But they don’t have any empathy for you, almost at all.
Lacey: Ahh…so what!? When someone is being genuinely mean…you should respond a if they’re being genuinely mean. And in that situation, they needed to be put in their place.
Eric: Could you have left?
Lacey: Yes! But…why not try to make it? I mean…I am a real person and an adult.
Eric: Fair enough.
They’d still wonder why you couldn’t just be nice.
Lacey: Because I’m old money!?
Okay…
But if I was nice…that’d be patronizing. And not very American.
Eric: Casi is trying to come through.
Casi: Let’s say I post Alien, by Thierry Mugler. Why can’t you say something about it!?
Eric: Your photos and captions weren’t very good, to be honest. I’m sorry.
Casi: So you can’t say something!?
Eric: AHH…you want everyone to lie to you!?
Casi: *she thinks*
I stole her aesthetic because I wasn’t very good at it. It’s true.
Eric: But you felt justified because she didn’t patronize you?
Casi: Yes!
You’re supposed to patronize someone like me.
No! You are. I swear.
Lady Rosslyn: Virginia…what are you talking about?
Virginia: YES! You’ve never noticed that?
Lady Rosslyn: No.
And yet yes.
Go on!
Virginia: *she nods*
It’s a white lie.
You just are supposed to be…incredibly condescending. But in the name of fairness.
Lacey: That’s not old money.
Virginia: Hmm.
But then how do I not get hurt?
Lacey: So you didn’t take it seriously. As art.
Virginia: No! It’s just Instagram.
Lacey: Then…Glenn and Dmitry are a joke. And you’re profoundly pathetic.
Because you all take it EXTREMELY seriously.
Virginia: Okay.
But I still expected you to be fake nice.
Lacey: *thinks*
It’s not about ego for me.
I’m thinking.
Virginia: Yeah. I can sense that…if I think as Virginia.
Lacey: I’m thinking.
Why are you demanding a nuclear Holocaust?
Because that’s what you’re doing.
I’m sorry.
Virginia: How!?
Eric: YOUR ART WAS WORTHLESS! You know that.
Virginia: Why can’t she be nice!
Tutankhamen: It’s perverse to compliment in that way.
Virginia: Am I demanding to be her equal?
God: You’re being perverted. Yes.
You are often perverse. You know that.
Expecting compliments in the way you did, was perverse.
Alisha: I assumed I was a far more Godly woman because I bullshit people. Constantly. I’m extremely superior. I’m better than Tutankhamen.
Listen to “Everything at Once” by Lenka.
Lenin: *cracks up laughing at the perfume community and America*
God: Go on Alisha.
Alisha: I condescend Casi, all the time. But…she loves it.
Tutankhamen: Why does she love it?
Alisha: Because I have a million dollar house. And I look really good.
Tutankhamen: But her family has an oil refinery.
Alisha: What!?
Tutankhamen: Lacey’s family has an oil refinery. Your house is peanuts compared to what she owns.
I’m confused.
Since when do you all expect us to patronize you?
Alisha: You Are Not her sister!
Tutankhamen: True! I was her brother. Still am.
Alisha: This is fact?
Tutankhamen: DUH!
KEEP UP!
YOU TRASH!
See…that’s why we don’t patronize you. Because then we can’t be forgiving.
Alisha: I found her posts intimidating.
Tutankhamen: ANSWER. Why do you expect us to patronize you?
Alisha: Because I patronize her.
Tutankhamen: *laughs*
Then stop.
Alisha: *she yells at Lacey* YOU ARE NOT PRETTY!
God: That’s a lie. You’re ugly as fuck compared to her. And you know that.
Your whole body is yuck compared to Lacey.
Tutankhamen: Stop being patronizing.
A perfume collector from the UK: I understand.
Alisha, what did you hold back?
Years ago!
Tutankhamen: These fools are fighting reality. For reasons of ego, I suspect. But I don’t know. And I’m trying to figure it out.
A perfume collector from the UK: Well?
Alisha: *tries to seduce him*
A perfume collector from the UK: WOW!
I did NOT expect that.
Tutankhamen: *laughing with Lacey to agree with him*
Well, I did.
A perfume collector from the UK: *looks shocked and overwhelmed*
God: Did you expect this? Matt?
Matt: *shakes his head no*
God: Yes. I know.
I’d be happy to talk with you lots.
If there’s reincarnation…you have been confused. Most of them have never had any experiences like you have. They just…don’t understand.
Matt: *he cries*
But I’m this now!?
God: Yes. It’s like the Jewish gilgul. It’s actually Hasidic too. Not just in Kabbalah.
Matt: Hasidic!?!
God: Yes!
You catch that too!? So did Lacey.
Matt: Yes.
It’s just JEWISH.
God: It might be.
And if it is…it might still exist. Jesus was the fulfillment of the law…not a complete recreation of my heart.
Jesus was…the messiah.
Matt: And suddenly I’m involved in Israel. Funny!
A Hasidic Jew in Israel: *laughs*
Matt: I’m not going to harm anyone. I’m just being honest with God about myself.
A Hasidic Jew: *nods*
Matt: Wow!
Yeah. That sounds familiar.
Darn.
I’m not happy.
God: Yeah. But if you’re here as…a Christian…trying to bring the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth…you might not be.
Do you think you miss the wealth? Or the money?
Matt: *thinks*
Both. To be honest.
God: You’ve learned a lot?
Matt: *laughs*
Yeah!
And…I love a lot of people.
God: *smiles*
Matt: How does Lacey see this?
God: I see everything.
She tries to be close to me.
Matt: *nods*
Alisha: *to Lacey* You’re not very…rich.
Lacey: What’s rich to you?
Alisha: I AM.
Lacey: That’s not a real answer.
What’s rich to you?
Alisha: I have millions of Dollars.
God: That’s not true. *he laughs*
Alisha: *looks anxious*
What you have.
Lacey: You just said I was not rich.
What’s rich!?
Alisha: I don’t know. You just don’t seem rich.
Lacey: Okay! *she smiles and shrugs*
You can’t threaten me though.
Stay the fuck away from me and my family.
God: There are many people who wish her family death. She’s not crazy.
Virginia: Do Norwegians give fake compliments?
God: No. That’s not very Scandinavian. And you’re not Scandinavian at all.
Be careful.
You’ve rejected your salvation often.
Tutankhamen: Why did you all get Matt involved? Is it because he’s the only one of you still connected to her?
The CID: Yes. That’s why.
Tutankhamen: That’s what we thought.
Listen to “Ghosts” by Clint Mansell & Kronos Quartet.
Tutankhamen: It’s also because he’s hott. And you all have secret crushes on him?
The CID: Yes.
Matt: I vaguely intuited that.
Tutankhamen: Alisha, you had so much to say! Keep talking!
Scotland: *laughs*
We knew it was real. Thank God we’re so tough.
A reader: Alisha, has anyone ever told you you look like cyclops?
You have a clownish nose.
Alisha: I’m pretty though.
A reader: Yes…but you’re ugly as fuck compared to me too.
There are many things wrong with Alisha’s body and face.
Do you think like an adult Alisha? Because to me…it seems like you don’t.
Alisha: Yeah! Let’s vent about Lacey more! I’m here for it, as your crazy & cool gal pal from the upper-class
Virginia: There’s that much wrong with her? Are you sure!?
She has a HUGE house!?
A reader: You really think that way?
I had no idea people really thought that!
*they look amazed*
Virginia: Don’t we all think that?
A reader: No!
Another reader: Casi, are you just too poor to get it!?
She should be more aware of what her face looks like. …Or did she also grow-up dirt poor?
Matt: I don’t think Lacey and I can tell.
Tutankhamen: *nods*
Matt: Yeah! We can’t tell.
Did she?
God: She grew-up…rural. They had less than Lacey’s family. And her parents tried to be poor. They’d not admit that, but in a way they did.
Jim: They did. I guess?
I’m so bad at math.
God: You could have been a very successful lawyer. Jim you have an IQ of 128.
Jim: How smart is Becca!?
God: 140.
Jim: Oh my word!
But Lacey’s not my daughter.
God: She’s Tom’s.
Margy wasn’t stupid, Jim. Just because she was pretty?
Jim: How did he get her pregnant?
God: You don’t need an explanation. Just think.
Jim: *gets angry*
A reader: Is he playing dumb?
God: Yes.
Jim: I had a smart daughter.
God: Lacey’s brilliant. But yes, your daughter was very smart.
Jim: *cries*
Did she look like Karen?
God: YES! And you. And she had Becca’s hair.
Jim: *nods*
She had great hair!
God: Yes! Dead-
Evil has bullied Lacey, with that. Becca has great hair.
*God laughs*
Tutankhamen: Anyway! Jim you could have made a lot of money!
Jim: Yeah, okay.
Tutankhamen: But you made more than Alisha’s family.
Jim: Okay. Huh.
Tutankhamen: They were rural, in her family.
So the money stretched.
Lacey: That’s so fascinating.
They had less?
God: Yes!
Lacey: That’s not how she represents herself.
God: Is that too much of a lie?
Tutankhamen: Yes.
Lacey: It’s not sustainable.
Ireland: You’re both right. It’s not.
Lacey: Has that irritated Ireland for a while?
Ireland: Yeah! That’s one of many reasons we see Americans as dummies.
Matt: Oh MY WORD!
Ireland: You’re not one of the good ones?
Lord Loughborough: Oh well! We are. But who’s counting?
Jack Kennedy has a great ass, right? And Bobby Junior would never hurt a fly?
When did Ireland become the ass-kissers of the J. Ken Crew?
Ireland: Since never!
A dead Irish King: Ha! Not true.
Bobby Kennedy Junior did drugs…In Ireland.
Listen to “Bialy & Lox Conga” by Clint Mansell.
And…if there’s an Illuminati…he was already in it, at that time. They sexually abused him. And blamed Lem. And he believed it, because he’s not very bright. And he had a crush on Lem.
What happened in Ireland was AN ATROCITY.
He committed all of Ireland to…himself. Through the Fitzgerald family.
I couldn’t do anything about it.
Ireland: So that’s why we keep antagonizing Lacey?
The dead Irish King: That’s why you keep antagonizing SCOTIA.
She’s not buried in Ireland. I made up many stories. I liked that better than what happened.
Her husband died. In Egypt.
And she traveled here, alone. For decades. Hiking. Sailing. Swimming. For decades.
With a group of mostly gay men, from Egypt. All holy men. A few of them were bisexual. Maybe one or two were straight. All extremely smart. And good.
And they settled in Scotland.
And the men married. Locals. And they were very happy.
She, however, died of a lung ailment. Something like tuberculosis. But not tuberculosis. She caught it…in…Belgium? France? Somewhere around there.
Dr. Moritz: Matt, where did you go to school?
Matt: You know where!
Dr. Moritz: *laughs*
Are we at war with Oxford?
Matt: *laughs and shakes his head no*
Dr. Moritz: Ahh. But we are! …I SWEAR.
Matt: It’s an old thing.
Dr. Moritz: MATT! Can’t you see!?
The perfume community is using that!
I had a row with Lacey too.
She’s OXFORD. So was Lem.
Matt: *is shocked*
That’s SICK!
Dr. Moritz: It is.
Matt: *cries*
I graduated from Cambridge!
God: I’m sorry.
Matt: *laughs*
Don’t be.
Dr. Moritz: I can’t seem to convert her either. I guess she’s a heathen.
*he laughs*
Matt: It is a real thing though!
Dr. Moritz: I know.
Say, are you okay?
Matt: *weeps*
Dr. Moritz: Thanks for the heads-up!
Matt: It’s…far worse than I expected. If it’s real, I tell you: DO NOT…BOTHER.
Dr. Moritz: Haven’t you learned a lot?
Matt: *sighed*
Oh man!
Do you have any idea what it’s like to be poor?
Dr. Moritz: Not like that.
Matt: *nods*
I can barely stand-it.
I do well…and I’m thankful. I am! I swear I am.
But…-
A Norwegian from rural Minnesota: What IN HELL WERE YOU EXPECTING MATTHEW!? *said in an old Norwegian brogue*
Matt: *laughs*
A Norwegian pioneer from rural Minnesota: Not much like Cambridge! Huh?
Ireland: *laughs*
Matt: It’s not that bad. My mom is very good to all of us. She’s a strong woman.
A Norwegian pioneer from rural Minnesota: Why’d you do it!?
Matt: I don’t know. I guess you’re not supposed to?
God: Yeah.
So, if there’s reincarnation in the Bible…because they didn’t totally take it out…if I created gilgul…you wanted to truly empathize with the poor.
You were…very wealthy, Matt. And you felt incredibly ashamed for not having more empathy, genuine empathy for the poor.
You wanted to feel what they feel. Truly understand. Live as they live. Be…one of them.
Matt: Okay.
A Norwegian pioneer: So! Whatchu think!? Worth it!?
Matt: I don’t know.
Right now, I’m sick of it!
God: Yeah.
Do you think it’s better or worse than what your former contemporaries experienced?
Matt: *looks sullen*
*thinks*
Okay! Then I’m obviously an important person.
Lacey, why don’t you take this more seriously!?
God: You’ve already read why. Right?
Matt: Why don’t you buy the $500 bottle of Chanel resurfacing…stuff?
Lacey: It’s too much for a facial product.
A Norwegian pioneer: That’s how she was raised.
Ireland: *nods*
A Norwegian pioneer: You could be right. But that’s not how we do tings. *he smiles*
Jim: Matt…she’s saving for a better house. Or they’re using their money for something else.
Why don’t you understand that?
Matt: Because life is for living.
God: Go on, Matt.
Matt: No, I understand. I’m not totally irresponsible.
Cambridge: You just…worry she’s not being…honest?
Weir & Sons: Why’d you throw away OUR RING!?
Lacey: It was MY RING! I BOUGHT IT!
Weir & Sons: You’re right.
Lacey: You understand.
Weir & Sons: But why’d you throw it away!?
Lacey: I was making a point!!!
Weir & Sons: And you’re never getting it back! You’re NEVER getting it back!
They must have married some Irish women. Who stayed there. Fair enough.
I know. We aren’t the same people.
But…YOU RUINED IT.
Lacey: It was WORTH IT. On a certain level.
A dead Irish King: *nods in agreement with her*
Lacey: But you’re right.
A dead Irish woman: You couldn’t think of that!?
Lacey: *Fights not to cry.*
A dead Irish woman: Apparently you couldn’t.
Lacey: *goes bone-chilling silent, but stops crying*
God: Not all Celtic people are JFK. FYI.
Matt: *laughs*
God: Do you still remember that she’s better or no?
Matt: Do I tend to get too much out of feeling better than other people?
God: Yes. That’s supposed to be part of what you’re learning.
Do you think your life is better or worse than the poors of the past?
Matt:
An Irishman: I’m glad. She refused to be bullied by the Lord Thynn.
God: EXACTLY!
Or more like misunderstood. Or even misunderstand him.
Matt: Better.
God: Yes. And no.
It’s not.
They had far more hope.
Your generation has very little hope.
Matt: Then what I am supposed to do?
God: Well, die, or fight, eventually. And in the meantime, enjoy what you can.
Matt: Die!?
God: Matt, this is a real conversation.
You will just die…or you’ll be invaded.
Matt: Ha.
Tutankhamen: Matt! What do you expect!?
Who’s going to save you!?
Matt: We’ll save ourselves!
Tutankhamen: Doing what!?
I’m not saying there’s no way to fight for your own country. I’m not saying that at all.
Matt: But Lacey is!
Tutankhamen: *laughs*
And that’s why your best options are death or invasion.
Virginia: Nah! I’m better than her.
I’m better than her!
Yup.
I’m better than her.
I’m better than her.
Matt: Can’t we fight!?
Cambridge: Matt, WHO ARE YOU FIGHTING!?
Matt: *thinks*
The element.
Cambridge: Yes.
But…we do have problems. You know?
Queen Elizabeth II: But he’s right. We also don’t.
Matt: I’m not racist.
Queen Elizabeth II: Neither am I.
You aren’t a fool.
Matt: Are there other real problems?
A Brit: If you were the Prime Minister, would you be able to solve most of our problems?
Matt: Yes. But…I can’t.
Are there other real problems?
Queen Elizabeth II: Yes. Getting rid of the invaders won’t solve it.
And they’d just come back. Angry.
Matt: There’s got to be something!
Cambridge: But what!?
Matt: So she’s just…given-up!?
Tutankhamen: She’s just not wasting her time on false hope.
It’s not that nothing can be done! Absolutely not! It’s that we can’t go about it without wisdom.
Lacey: Well said.
Matt: *laughs*
God: You’re better off than they were…but you’re also FAR more destitute.
Why do you have the instinct to blame Lacey?
Matt: Because she’s OIL.
God: Matt, you’re not that stupid.
Matt: But then I’m- How am I so…naturally elite?
God: Well, what if you’re sort of a big deal? Remember?
Matt: What are we supposed to do!?!
God: Yes! Good question.
Thank you for asking me that.
I’m writing through Lacey. She’s exceptionally intelligent but she’s not me.
Trust, I’ve heard your prayer.
Matt Nesheim: He’s working on it.
Hey! Here’s some help: Lacey is sick, as she’s writing this.
*he laughs*
How well do you feel, physically, Matt!?
Well!? Yeah!!?
STOP BEING AN ASS TO HER! If you want to help yourself and your people? STOP DEMONIZING HER.
Matt: What’s she sick with?
Matt: A cough, nausea…
Matt: And she’s writing this?
Matt: Ha! You don’t understand our culture.
She can sit-up without feeling too nauseous. She’s not feeling that ill. So she’d clean the house today, except she knows that will just make her more sick.
That’s how we were raised.
A dead Norwegian: That’s how all of Norway was. Prior to the 1960’s.
Matt: Our family never changed.
Casi: Welp. Guys.
I’m better than her.
I’m just better than her.
God: You’re obviously not.
Why do you keep saying that to yourself?
Casi: It’s got to be the answer.
And…I feel it!
Keen to Cross the Pond 