Bobby: The Tsarina is a blessing.
Joe Biden: Go get her! Big guy!
*he laughs*
Zelensky: A BLESSING!?
Bobby: She’s just a sad puppy.
*he pretends to pet a puppy*
A reader: What are you doing with that?
Bobby: I’m ending the wars. I’m just an American citizen.
Hanging out.
A reader: So she controls Putin?
Bobby: That’s why she likes me.
We’re a lot alike.
We tend to be in the driver’s seat. In relationships. Both of us. We’re selfish.
Every time we meet…she reminds me…why I hate the war in Ukraine. *he shrugs*
Casi: But you’re ending the war?
Bobby: Yes!
She wants peace.
She loves her husband. DEEPLY!
Their love story is…AMAZING.
Inspirational.
But…he gets busy.
A reader: You’re supposed to be solving the current food safety crisis!
Bobby: SO!?
I’m doing it! Geez!
Casi: How many hours do you spend with her?
Bobby: *rolls his eyes*
I don’t count!
Come on!
Putin: Have you made love!?
Bobby: Yes! DUH!
Not a big deal.
Joe Biden: That’s right!
YOU GO GET EM’!
ROCK AND ROLL!
Bobby: She’s just been bored, dude!
You should end the war!
*Bobby laughs*
You should end the war! Then she’s yours? Right?
What an IDIOT!
Putin: I am NOT a fool.
I am NOT AN IDIOT!
*he fights tears*
Lacey! She has done this!
Bobby: Nah! My DICK.
Joe Biden: *claps and laughs*
ROCK ON!
Bobby: My dick!
Do you have one!?
Putin: Yes! You fool! I have one.
It is quite large!
Bobby: Ha!
Whatever.
Putin storms off, fighting back tears.
Bobby: Loser.
He doesn’t have a dick.
Putin: I DO TOO! YOU IMBECILE!!!
Bobby: HA!
He thinks he’s funny.
It’s okay.
We’re just kidding around. …Calm down.
Putin: I AM WINNING THE WAR!!
Bobby: Okay.
Cool.
Man! He’s so intense!
Putin: *cries*
YOU DID NOT!
YOU DID NOT SLEEP WITH MY BELOVED WIFE!!
A Russian: Which one, Vladimir!? Huh!? WHICH ONE!?
Putin: *too angry to talk*
A Russian: He’s getting old.
Putin: *fumes*
A Russian: You got limp?
Putin: *weeps*
Bobby: I think it’s obvious.
She’s just a friend.
Man! He’s such a square!
Putin: She is not!
Bobby: PUT THEM UP!
COME ON!
Putin: I’m not fighting you! You’re a ruffian!
Listen to “Lithium” by Nirvana.
Bobby: Loser.
His daddy is rich.
Ha!
Putin: I AM NOT…THE RICH BOY.
Bobby: WHATEVER! FAG.
Putin: *Putin punches him*
And at that two Irish-like men…fight, drunkenly over a girl.
2:00
Scotia cheers.
“Who’s winning?” she asks God.
“Bobby.” says God.
“Really!?” says Lacey.
“Yeah.
He can get very angry.” says God.
They roll to the ground and Bobby gives Putin a black eye. Putin pushes him off. Bobby falls to the ground.
The song ends.
Security drags them both off of each other.
Listen to “Heart-Shaped Box” again.
Both men seem beaten-up.
“I’m surprised Putin lost.” says Lacey.
“Yeah.
It’s possible Putin has been sick lately.” says God.
The song plays.
Lacey goes into war mode.
Keen to Cross the Pond 