Listen to “I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts” as performed by Freddy Martin.
Doris Day: I didn’t think you would all get this bad.
You don’t hate her. You’re just jealous.
When I died…I assumed she’d eventually be okay.
Why…are you all…SO SICK!?
Russia: It’s too fun.
Doris Day: FUN!?
Russia: Yeah.
Doris Day: Are you high!?
Russia: Yes.
Doris Day: On WHAT!?
Russia: *the young woman laughs* An upper.
Doris Day: Wow!
And you’re hanging out with Putin?
Russia: Yeah. He pays us?
If his wife gets tired…we fill in for her.
Doris Day: I get it.
Okay.
A famous journalist from America: I’m at the VERY TOP! I’m at the VERY TOP, OF SOCIETY!
Putin’s Wife: Yeah. So am I.
A famous journalist from America: We…are a big deal, Lacey. NOT YOU.
You had 6,000 supposed followers on Instagram. I had less. *he shrugs*
But…ah…I am the big deal. NOT YOU!
Lacey: I never said you weren’t a big deal?
A famous journalist from America: Then why aren’t you FAR more concerned about me!? WHY THE ATTITUDE!?
YOU STUPID PRICK!!
An ancient Chinese man: *laughs*
What’s this attitude?
A famous journalist from America: It’s simple, really.
When I say “Hello!” YOU GREET ME!
Lacey: When did you ever “say hello”?
A famous journalist from America: I just said it!
Lacey: I heard NOTHING. Or rather, Laura said she heard nothing. And I didn’t feel anything from you spiritually, either.
A famous journalist from America: I did it again, in my spirit.
Lacey: Nothing.
A famous journalist from America: I did it again.
Lacey: *thinks*
Huh.
That’s you saying hello!?
A famous journalist from America: Yes.
Lacey: All I hear are rivers. Literally.
I hear literal rivers. And I see peat moss.
Listen to the song over again.
Lacey: I see nature.
It’s actually quite nice.
But I certainly don’t hear hello.
Putin’s wife: Would you party with us?
Lacey: No!
Don’t you find the peat moss relaxing?
A famous journalist from America: *stares at Lacey*
Lacey: Is he staring at me, in the spirit?
Laura: Yes.
A famous journalist from America: I’m BETTER THAN YOU.
Laura: No, you’re not. You’re not nearly as rich as I am.
A famous journalist from America: I’m too rich to care. See!
*He shows-off, and forces himself to laugh*
Queen Elizabeth II: They’re PATHETIC.
Most leaders today. EMBARRASSING fools!
I had no idea how bad things were, until I died. They fooled me.
I begged to be resurrected from the dead. And I was told it was irreversible. By another ghost.
There are other explanations. But that was Lady Diana.
Prince William: Were you afraid of your granddaughter being attacked?
Queen Elizabeth II: YES!
I was thinking about lots of things. Lots of people.
But she was at the top of my list.
And I was afraid of my great granddaughter being attacked. Your daughter.
Princess Anne: Which granddaughter?
Queen Elizabeth II: You KNOW WHO.
Princess Anne: I think I know.
The song ends.
…
Listen to “Dumb” by Nirvana.
The Russian party heads back to the mansion. It’s been a long day.
They’re all rowdy and sloppy…and incredibly stupid looking. Like drunken, badly dressed robots. It’s HILARIOUS. But…they take themselves DEADLY seriously.
Listen to “Heart-Shaped Box” by Nirvana.
A famous journalist from America: Are you in a contest right now with William?
Emperor Constantine: We’re just trying to kindly tell him to shut-the-fuck-up.
Lady Diana: They don’t mean to attack you. But it was for your own good, and you’re fine.
Lady Rosslyn:
Is that scary sexy…or is this:
God: Definitely the second.
To say it’s contest is a joke and an attempt to destroy the Earth.
Lacey: That’s all we were saying Your Royal Highness.
I’m just not at all impressed.
They go around in an atvs!?
Ireland: What happened to attacking them on behalf of Ireland!?
God: Some idiot savant psychopath running something important…decided to ruin it. Because it was making people genuinely happy.
A famous Journalist in America: *bangs his head around, to dance*
I LOVE THAT GUY!
He’s my buddy.
ROCK ON!!
Listen to “Come as You Are” by Nirvana.
Hayden: This is why I’m glad I’m dead.
“Fuck you!” to the haters.
I’m glad I’m dead!
My daughter is my only concern now. And they were going to go after her if I lived. Because they wanted to torture me, for resisting them.
They did the same thing to Daveigh. That’s why she chose to keep getting high. To avoid being caught.
They let you destroy yourself. It’s so funny. …It never occurs to them that death isn’t necessarily at all the end.
They’re SUCH FOOLS.
And now I’m DEAD.
Whatchu gonna do!?
Listen to “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana.
Hayden: I swear my daughter is better off. But I’m keeping an eye on her.
The Duke of Northumberland: Why are you all attacking my family!?
(He’s speaking to “the powers that be”)
Japan: We’ve had three earthquakes after challenging Lacey.
Be careful.
If that’s going through your mind. BE as
CAREFUL.
The psychopath: I like her.
A famous journalist from America: I don’t.
The psychopath: She understands me. I’m sure her father knew MANY men like me.
Lacey: Yeah.
You get to the point.
Except…you also miss the point.
I’m sorry.
God: Why do you dislike her?
The psychics: This is real.
Be smart. PLEASE.
A reader: Why can’t we just kill the psychopaths?
The CID: They seem like the “Devil We Know”?
That kind of thing.
A journalist from America: I just can’t stand how good she is.
She’s such a goody-goody.
I think that’s most of it.
I just love being bad man.
One of his best mistresses: He is a kick-ass supervillain.
A journalist from America: I just hate how preachy she is.
Lem: Is she actually preachy?
God: No. They’re just scared of themselves and they’re too cowardly and selfish to admit it.
Lacey: You’re all fucking everything up!
You’re all possibly complete fuck-ups.
Why can’t you just be honest!?
People tend to call me that when they’re fucking-up and don’t want to see it.
Lem: I can’t STAND YOU RIGHT NOW! *he says to God*
YOU CAN TAKE YOUR SALVATION, FOR THE LOVE OF JACK, AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR FUCKING ASS!
WHY DON’T YOU GO SUCK JACK KENNEDY’S COCK! YOU WORTHLESS WORM!?!
She’s the sweetest person. And they mean to torture every FUCKING DECENT HUMAN…UNTIL they die.
DO YOU CARE!?
YOU SAD, STUPID, WEAK LOSER!?
China: We don’t like this.
This is scary.
Constantine: THEN GO FIX IT.
China: We can’t make Joe Biden respect your wife.
Constantine: We did NOTHING WRONG.
China: Yeah.
A Chinese man: They’re poor, sad fools now, Lem.
Lacey: But I look outside my window and I see wealth and stability.
It’s not going to be easy.
The death of the West…is going to be horrific.
*silence*
Zelenskyy: They ride around on atvs.
Lacey: *feels like crying*
Zelensky: Yeah! I know.
Lacey: Are you as bad?
Zelensky: Yes.
Lacey: Do you understand why it’s repulsive?
Zelensky: Yes.
Lacey: Does he!?
Zelensky: No! *he laughs*
NO!
*they all think*
Lacey: Why do you like making fun of me?
Putin’s Wife: Because…you…seem…-
A Kennedy: You seem demonic!
Lacey: What!?
A Kennedy: You know what you did! Missy! You and that perfectly normal gay man!
What did you do to him!? What did you do to his brain!?
Lem: I was never gay!
A Kennedy: Give me Lem!
Not this…guy.
Lem: You didn’t really know me!
A Kennedy: That’s not true! We knew you perfectly well.
You were and are gay. Or you’re simply not thee Lem Billings.
Putin’s Wife: I am in love…with Bobby.
Yes.
Bobby Kennedy Junior.
But don’t worry!
Only for a night!
Just ONE night.
Putin: *too drunk to notice*
*He almost falls asleep*
Putin’s Wife: Bobby is NOT my lover.
He is my…teacher.
A reader: Is he there!?
CID: *shrugs*
A lot of people love the Kennedys. Worldwide. They’re very popular.
We may be using that.
Zelensky: Don’t worry! Lacey, Vladimir is used to this.
He has NO HEART!
Lacey: That’s not true.
I think she just…seduces him. Which is why I’m worried.
Rick: Is Bobby there!?
The CID: I don’t think so?
Lacey: I think he’s very attached to her!
*a moment later*
God: HOLD ON!!
Turns out Bobby has been trying to woo Putin’s “second wife”. He went after Putin first. But Putin isn’t attracted to men.
Casi: SHOOT!
How easy was she?
A Russian woman: *rolls her eyes and laughs*
Casi: OH GREAT!
The CID: Virginia, if that’s you, help us? Why is that bad!?
Casi: *she laughs*
I’ve been trying so hard to be Lacey…I don’t know.
*she laughs*
I think she’s just trying to be loved!
DO NOT believe her! She’s not to be trusted. She thinks Bobby loves her?
Putin: She could think that, I guess.
Casi: SHE DOES!
And to keep his love!? ANYTHING!
She’ll do ANYTHING.
Lem: Lacey and I were saying the same thing!
God: They’re choosing not to care.
Hayden was very pretty. Naturally.
Natural beauty is threatening to them.
But even if you got plastic surgery? They’d hate you. Don’t!
Bobby: The Tsarina and I…are just friends.
She’s a blessing.
Keen to Cross the Pond 
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