Lem

Rick: Why do you like him!?

Lacey: LOOK AT HIM! He’s GORGEOUS. He’s an extremely handsome man.

Rick: *stunned by the similarities*

Lacey: I’ve seen those SAME EXACT SHOES…in another photo. They look gay. But…he wears them all of the time.

A gay man: How far apart were those photos in time?

Lacey: Possibly a year? I think he wore those in Florida? This is Germany.

A gay man: Those aren’t traveling shoes.

Lem: I know.

I didn’t have much of my own money. And I wanted to look…sharp. It’s not a concept that’s carried over into today.

A gay man: And looking gay is “sharp”?

Lem: Yeah! When you honestly think you’re gay.

A gay man: I don’t think we knew men like you existed?

A dead psychiatrist: No!

We did.

You did.

I’m a dead prominent psychiatrist from New York City. I treated Lem. For four years. I’m currently trying to help Lacey.

Okay…let’s back-up a moment.

Someone interrupts him: You’re helping her!?

A dead psychiatrist: YES!

Do you have any idea how much severe trauma she’s been through? It’s my job to help. I can. Easily. And it’s actually healing for me. I don’t think I was as helpful to Lem as I should have been.

Okay.

So let’s back-up.

Back in the early 20th century…AS YOU KNOW…gay men WERE NOT…allowed to marry.

Are you with me?

A gay man: Okay!

A dead psychiatrist: Have you noticed how Lacey tries to be…what some might call “edgy”?

A gay man: Yes!

A dead psychiatrist: That’s intentional.

Both her and Lem have a need to be different.

Can you understand that?

A gay man: Yes.

A dead psychiatrist: Good.

They’re both fiercely independent people. And I applaud them for that.

Okay, but back then…gay men were not allowed to marry. They were treated very badly.

We’re still waiting?

A gay man: *nods*

*starts to cry*

A dead psychiatrist: He felt the need to be different. She feels the need to be different.

Back then gay men…were trying to fit in? Okay. Well…but they didn’t. You know?

Lem noticed that. And instead of being repelled by it, he found it alluring.

Gay men…would not have noticed that Lem didn’t fit in. They were too anxious. They were too anxious to feel…safe…picking apart other gay men. Certainly not openly.

Lem seemed gay. *he shrugs* They just assumed he must be.

To be honest, they didn’t know how they were gay anyway. I mean, there were theories, but…it was all theoretical.

Am I helping?

A gay man: Yeah.

I mean I’ve read what she’s written.

A dead psychiatrist: Then what qualms do you have?

It’s all right there.

Jim: He’s right! I’m Karrie’s dad.

I’m almost 80.

Things were VERY different back then.

Elliott: I don’t think I understand the question.

A gay man: Okay.

Rick: Why are we mad!?

A gay man: I assumed he was gay.

Rick: *nods emphatically*

A gay man: How is he not gay!?

A dead psychiatrist:

How homosexual does that man really look?

Be HONEST.

Lacey: I think he’s handsome!

A dead psychiatrist: Why do you feel the need to say that.

Lacey: I feel like I’m being told otherwise. AND…I adore him. And…people say stuff like that???

A reader: They do.

A dead psychiatrist: But you find him attractive? Helplessly?

Lacey: Yes. I always have.

A dead psychiatrist:

What about here?

Lacey: When I was younger? YES! He’s great!

A dead psychiatrist: He is attractive, Lacey.

Tell us why.

Lacey: That is a bit risqué.

*feels flustered*

Okay.

He’s…very manly.

A dead psychiatrist: Yeah!

He looks big and strong.

Do you find Rock Hudson big and manly?

Lacey: No.

A dead psychiatrist: Yeah.

Why not?

Lacey: He’s too feminine. I’m sorry. He looks gay to me. He always has.

A dead psychiatrist: And he’s not offended. He was almost entirely gay.

*silence*

I don’t think most people alive today have understood how sexually attractive Lem is…TO WOMEN.

*Lacey, rolls her eyes and feels uncomfortable*

Lem: I’m not a cheat.

A dead psychiatrist: Yeah. And she knows that. But not everyone reading this does.

*a moment of pause*

Lacey…would you have waited patiently for Lem to return from World War II…with handsome men like Louis…about?

Lacey: *looks…less than warm*

Is HE being faithful?

I do trust him. But…war is UGLY in that way. And many others, of course.

I would have struggled to trust him. But I would have tried.

I would have desperately tried.

No, I’m not a cheater. But I refuse to be a victim.

Elliott: He’d have stayed in the U.S.. *he laughs* Mother Nature already had his back.

…Even if Lem…was faithful, and he would be…she’d have NEVER been at ease.

Do you miss how MUCH there is of him? He’s HUGE. …How is that not arousing?!

Men like me…to be honest…and others…would have seen a golden opportunity. Set him up. Make him look evil. And then make a move. …I’m actually too good for that sort of behavior. But…a lot of men were not.

A dead psychiatrist: Yeah.

You were tall too, Elliott?

Elliott: YES.

A dead psychiatrist: So, what now?

Because I’m sure many gay men reading this will be offended and upset and resistant.

Princess Anne: *nods*

A dead psychiatrist: There’s nothing we can do about that!

*silence*

*later*

A dead psychiatrist: Lacey, I’m sure you find this man attractive don’t bother lying to me.

Lem is far more attractive to you and you’re in love with him, but we’re being honest.

Is he heterosexual, however?

Lacey: No.

He’s bisexual.

A dead psychiatrist: You’re correct.

You can tell.

I know many or most gay men today tell you that you cannot, but that’s not reasonable thinking. How can you say you can’t? You get it right, every time!

You never miss! You have a few misunderstandings. But they’re SO much less important, because 99% of the time…you’re terrifyingly accurate. And you always seem to correct your mistakes.

Lacey: But I do make mistakes.

A dead psychiatrist: YES. But how often!?

Lacey: Not that often.

A dead psychiatrist: So WHY…do the mistakes…matter MORE? …You’re FAR more likely to be right.

Lacey: I don’t want to get hurt.

A dead psychiatrist: You CANNOT. He’s right here…and he’s madly in love with you. REGARDLESS.

A reader: That’s not Lem!?

God: No! It’s a Nazi who looks like him.

A reader: *laughs*

Why did Jack take Lem to NAZI GERMANY…to be romantic!?

God: Jack was a very troubled man.

A dead psychiatrist: Lacey. You can safely assume he’s straight.

Lacey: I can’t make myself feel that way about it, though.

A dead psychiatrist: You’re right.

Lacey: I try to. But I can’t.

A dead psychiatrist: But he was straight.

Lacey: He was.

I just have so much to lose.

A dead psychiatrist: Fine.

He was straight, however.

*later*

Lacey: I’m worried my kids and I have that parasite.

God: You’ll recover.

Lacey: When does Putin die?

God: Possibly soon? Along with his wife and kids.

They’re potentially totally messing-up.

Maybe his wife made the war far too much about her ego. Her personal opinions.

Lem: Why are you being SO weak?

Putin: *no clear answer*

Lem: Is he on something?

Putin: *no clear answer*

Lem: I think both him and his wife are drunk.

Is he on stimulants?

God: He might be.

Lem: And they’re out rooming around, on atvs?

God: Yeah? Possibly?

Lem: He’s completely psychologically destabilized.

She did this to him!

Princess Maria: He’s out of his mind.

Lem: Ja!

She’s gotten him there. This second wife.

God: They’ve been using her to attack him, and he refuses to see it. And he’s aging.

Lem: He’ll just die!

God: Yes.

He’ll be overtaken by his administration.

And they will actually be far worse. They’re more likely to invade other countries.

Lem: Why did his wife do it!?

God: You know why. She wanted to be popular. In the West.

Mostly people like Jeff Bezos and his wife. The Zuckerberg’s. She wanted them to see her as an equal. And be glamorous.

The West has an uncanny ability to seem cool. She’s been beguiled by it.

…

Lacey and Lem look baffled.

Lem: If I was Emperor of Rome…-

If then when…well…I’d never have worried about that. Who care!?

Lacey: Ja!

Chopsticks it is!

And there’s Russian culture.

North Korea: They do love Western Culture.

Lacey: They have Russia.

Japan: But..it’s not enough.

Lacey: *thinks*

How was she trying to maintain ties to the West?

Japan: By mocking you, like a rich Western New Money brat, behind closed doors. Buying expensive clothes. Eating well, and making jokes about it.

Telling crass jokes. Trying desperately to look cool.

Lacey: And they’re too pathetic to realize that they’re all just weak-ass losers?

Lem: Yes.

Lacey: Where did you all come from? Genetically?

An ancient Chinese man: *laughs*

*makes Lacey smile*

Good question!

I’m filled with despair as well.

Lacey: *Looks sad*

The ancient Chinese man: I think they mostly came from the tropics.

Believe it or not.

Lacey: The TROPICS!?

The ancient Chinese man: Yes.

Lacey: That’s it!!! That’s what I’ve been searching for!

The ancient Chinese man: Well!?

Lacey: They’re…wild tempered.

Very complex.

So!

Why must you mock me!?

Ukraine: I think they think it’s funny.

Lacey: *nods*

*thinks*

Does it make you all feel jolly?

The ancient Chinese man: *clasps his hands in delight*

Lacey: Yes?

One of them: Yes.

It makes us feel…content. And then giddy. And then guilty. And then we have to go at it again.

Lacey: *thinks*

Nothing else suffices?

One of them: *thinks*

No.