KABAEVA DYNASTY

Putin discusses his plans to create the “great KABAEVA DYNASTY”.

Putin: I will…torture and murder all the Nesheims.

A North Dakotan: What about the rest of us?

Putin: I will kill you all?

A North Dakotan: All of us?

Putin: Yes.

A North Dakotan: Ahh…how?

Like, logistically, how?

Putin: It’s simple. There aren’t that many people in North Dakota?

North Dakota: Yeah…but there are.

And we’re not Ukrainian.

I’m not saying we’d all survive.

But…I genuinely doubt you’d be able to kill us all.

Putin: I could.

God: No, you couldn’t.

You actually could not.

Putin: BUT I HAVE SCARED THE WORLD! I HAVE SCHOOLED THE WORLD!

I AM GREAT, yes?

Listen to “Desert Rose” plays, by Sting, in Lacey’s room, as she writes this.

God: So you imagine you conquer, North Dakota, killing all North Dakotans.

Then what?

Putin: This isn’t serious!

God: You already demanded we take you deadly seriously.

Putin: I don’t have to take responsibility for reality! SATAN HAS ME COVERED!

Satan: Who in hell gave ALL of you DUMBASSES that idea!?

That seems to be the only prevailing ideology of the moment.

Pedophiles: We had something to do with it.

Satan: Yes.

But it can’t have been just you.

Pedophile in secret society: I’ve discerned that.

Satan: Do any of you care? At all?

Melania: No. We are rich people.

Satan: Ahh.

And rich people don’t have to worry?

Alina: Yes! We all saw it the movies.

Satan: But that was Hollywood.

No one has ever corrected your stupidity? All these decades?

Alina: What stupidity?

We are fine.

God: Do any of you have any idea how much your MASSIVE stupidity irritates some people?

Alina: He’s just in love with me. It’s cool, God.

Chill out!

God: This isn’t a video game, Alina.

Alina: I am fine.

My kids are fine.

That’s all rich people care about. And I am a rich person.

God: You saw that in the movies?

Alina: Yes!

I am rich person, now.

Putin: THEN I WILL KILL ALL OF NORTH DAKOTA!

God: To create the Kabaeva Dynasty?

Putin: Yes.

God: Okay!

Let’s hear more!

Putin: I will kill all of North Dakota.

And then I will…

Umm…

*he’s stumped*

Ahh…

I will…send Lacey to prison.

Listen to “Guardians At the Gate” by Audiomachine.

Putin: I AM AN ATHEIST!

God: No, you are not.

Putin: Okay.

I get more tail when I say that.

But whatever-

I will murder ALL OF NORTH DAKOTA.

God: Then what?

Putin: I Will…kill ALL of North Dakota.

God: My goodness!

Then what?

Putin: I will…-

I will kiss Lacey!

…

I will kiss her.

…

Umm…

Maybe not.

She’s being tortured. In a prison. In a dark cave with snakes.

Lem: Who kill her?

Putin: Yes.

Lem: SWEET!

Putin: WAIT!

Why is he excited?

Lem: Because she’s dead.

Putin: That’s bad!

God: Why would that be bad for him? He’s a ghost.

Casi: I can’t handle this anymore.

I’m sorry.

Are these people really this…stupid?

God: Yes.

Putin: I will kill her. Slowly.

Lem: You couldn’t kill her that slowly. She’d just die.

Putin: I will make her vomit. On my stupidity. *he cries*

God: She’d have a stroke.

Putin: Okay.

Then I will just take pleasure in shooting her.

With a gun.

Casi: *laughs*

Putin: Okay.

Lacey is shot.

And all North Dakota is dead.

Listen to “Let Her Go” as performed by Vitamin String Quartet.

God: Are you mad she prefers Lem? Yes.

Putin: I had a bigger crush than that.

God: But…

Lacey: *rolls her eyes*

He doesn’t give a rat’s ass about me.

OBVIOUSLY!

Let’s move on.

God: She earnestly believes that. That you numb your heart, or never cared to begin with.

It fascinates her. But that’s all. You’re dead to her. And she means that kindly.

Lord Loughborough: That’s my personality.

Let’s move on.

I want to hear more about the Kabaeva Dynasty.

Lacey: *looks excited*

Putin: But isn’t that heartless!?

Lacey: No!

You’re not a child.

What difference does it make, outside of honor? You made your choices. Fine.

You don’t care.

I fully understand.

*she smiles, peacefully*

Casi: I’m not like that at all.

Lacey: Well, it’s painful. But I can do it.

Let’s move on! *she says, cheerfully*

Zelensky: I AGREE!

Lacey: I want to hear more about the Kabaeva Dynasty!

Pedophile: To clarify, Lacey isn’t one of us. She means that she cares about children, like a parent.

Lacey: Thank you. I would think that would be obvious. But apparently it isn’t.

Lem: I want to hear more too.

So you torture Lacey or no?

Putin: Yes.

Lem: And our kids?

Putin: Yes.

Putin: And our friend, Mark. I’m sure.

Alina: *nods, smiling like a dummy*

Putin: They all die. In two months. Horrifying abuse.

God: Mmm…not so fast.

They all die…in a week.

Mark and Lacey take an overdose of Iron. As do her kids. And they all die within a week.

In horrible misery. Although, I give them grace.

But…they’re dead within a week.

Alina: Okay! *cheerfully*

Putin: *looks worried*

Alina: Then what. I can handle this! I am a rich person! …A professional! *she says, seriously*

God: So…all of North Dakota is dead.

Alina: *nods*

God: Why do you keep making such fools of yourselves?!?

Chris: *crying in his wife’s lap*

Listen to “Heart of Courage” by Two Steps From Hell.

Lacey and her family, and all of North Dakota, or possibly most of North Dakota, is dead.

A dead Nigerian: I wish I had iron. That’s BRILLIANT.

God: She’s brilliant.

Let’s hear more about the Kabaeva Dynasty.

Listen to “Death Is the Road to Awe” by Clint Mansell & Kronos Quartet.

Lem: Lacey and I are sitting down for dinner. In Great Britain. Our kids are playing with Mark and his wife.

We’re GREAT. But we’re concerned.

Hayden: I can’t watch!

Alina and Putin: *Look concerned*

Chris: I DIE NEXT!

I can tell that’s what I’d do.

*His whole family dies*

And at that millions of Liberals in the West, euthanize themselves and their loved ones.

What’s left is a sorry mess.

And at that, all of North Dakota dies.

Followed by all of South Dakota.

Followed by all of Germany, or most of it. They fully understand. …They understand too well.

5:52

Zelensky: I die too. With my family.

The song ends.

A perfume collector: She’s crazy!

God: Lacey?

A perfume collector: Yes!

You can’t do that!

This blog is stupid. I’m sorry, but it is!

And so, it turns out, all of Minnesota dies. Or tries to. Followed by Great Britain.

The perfume collector: Wait!

All are these people committing suicide!?

NO!

God: Yes!

The perfume collector: Oh WOW!

Okay.

*he stares in shock*

Casi: Have you been reading!?

The perfume collector: Yeah??? Kind of.

I skim.

It’s the only bearable way to read this shit!

…

And at that, most of Europe chooses to die.

China follows them.

Actually, within a year, all that’s left of the whole world…is…most of North Korea…(not all)…India…(with a wink?)…and…-

Chris: I don’t think this works.

I mean, I don’t think the KABAEVA DYNASTY works.

So it’s most of North Korea…India?…and…a few people in Florida…and…parts of South America.

That’s pretty much all.

Like…a billion people…at most. More like…half a billion?

Earth: I love it.

But…it’s shocking.

I’d go into shock.

They would create an ice age. Or close to it.