Listen to “Summertime Sadness” by Lana Del Rey.
Alina struts around, her house. It’s too cold to go outside.
It is a huge house.
No, there was no nuclear war.
God: It’s very weird to kill off all of North Dakota. If you did that…most of the world…would choose to die.
Alina: Oh. Okay.
Cool.
Putin: She’s funny.
We laugh, all of the time.
Alina: I am his wisdom. His light.
No one else.
I am his lover.
Ha!
The US media: How many-
Alina: We saved a few thousand children.
*she shrugs*
Good enough.
Putin: It’s good!
Alina is my heart.
A reader: Then why do you keep sleeping around?
Putin: We will RUN THE WORLD!
Listen to “Young And Beautiful” by Lana Del Rey.
A reader: Okay.
So you are “running the world” during an ice age. And all that’s left is North Korea?
Putin: Yes!
*he seems proud*
We would KICK-ASS.
We would KICK-ASS!
Zelensky: *nods, to be kind*
Tell us more!
Putin:
And at that North Korea dies. It realizes he’s just obsessed with his wife, and feeling safe in death after being visited by many happy dead people…they feel safe biding the broken, overwhelmed Earth, adieu.
Putin: So! We have US!
Alina: And most of Russia.
And at that almost everyone else alive, chooses to die.
Alina and Vladimir are mysteriously the only humans left alive.
Putin: WE WILL ROCK!
*he tries to sound ecstatic*
Alina: We have so many kids!
God: They only live into their 30’s. At best. And who do they marry? Each other?
Putin: Aliens!
God: No.
A reader: After decimating the Earth, you will marry your children off to ALIENS!?
Putin: *looks stunned*
God: Well!?
A Black woman, trying to think well of Putin: Mmkay! Okay!
Maybe aliens are smart!
God: No alien is interested.
He just totally destroyed the whole of Earth’s population.
Earth: Within two years.
God: Do you love Alina? Or do you love the idea of yourself in love with Alina?
Putin: Well…both.
God: Do you understand what you’ve done?
Putin: Maybe not.
God: There’s no going back.
I’ve told you that.
And yet, you still believed. And it was admirable.
But you’ve taken it much too far now.
There’s no going back.
Putin: So now what!?
You’re out a soulmate.
And you don’t get Alina as a replacement, unless you want to basically go braindead.
Putin: Literally braindead?
God: YES!
Putin: Okay.
Yeah right!
God: Now, if he goes braindead…or Trump does…don’t be shocked.
Or yes, Zelensky.
And no, it’s not her fault.
You can’t eat baby humans.
You can’t eat another human.
A psychopath in a secret society: Yeah, what if you’re starving?
God: You know that’s not what I meant.
I’m not going to discuss that right now.
But no, that’s not what I was saying.
The psychopath: Fine.
Why not!?
God: *rolls his eyes*
Why do you need to know RIGHT NOW!?
The psychopath: Because! I will BLOW! I will shoot you all!
*he rocks back and forth*
God: I’m not your equal.
The psycho: I WILL ANNIHILATE YOU!
God: *smiles*
You ate babies.
All of you.
And…you’ve all essentially lost your minds, since.
You’re terrified of EVERYTHING. And EVERYONE.
You can’t eat a baby!
The psychopath: Makes sense.
God: So now…you’re stuck…in a horrific situation.
You all ate yourselves…as a baby.
Satan: *laughs at them*
God: No, symbolically, that’s what you all did.
Satan: Yup!
You gave me SO much power.
God: He can now catch you all off-guard in a new ASTONISHING way. You have no choice. You have no control. You have no power. You’re all totally useless and worthless and helpless to yourselves, mostly.
You can cry. But…who will help you? You’re ADULTS.
YOU CANNOT EAT, BABY HUMANS.
Alina: Fine!
Whatever.
He sounds nice.
Now, back to my empire.
God: She’s upsettingly stupid.
But you all keep telling yourselves she’s just making other women jealous.
Putin: She’s profoundly beautiful!
God: You CANNOT eat baby humans.
Putin: I don’t think I did!!
God: You’ve made BLOOD ALLIANCES with people who have, against me, and my word.
A Russian: Why?
Putin: MONEY!
I want to be a rich man. Like in the movies!
A reader: That’s not everyone?
God: NO!
Certainly not.
Many people are like that, now, but it’s not normal. It’s an unfortunate situation caused by the lack of responsibility and lack of knowledge in Hollywood.
A man in America: Let’s hear more about Lem.
Does he make you jealous, Vladimir?
He looks gay…but then I consider leaving him with my wife…and I can’t imagine he’s gay. At all.
And that’s probably insulting to many women Jack dated-
Gene Tierney: No!
He seemed dorky to me.
The man: Okay!
But if you left him alone…–
Gene: He’s such a gentleman though!
The man: My wife is horny.
No! She is.
I KNOW she’d try something.
Gene: *looks shocked*
The man: He does have a good build.
And she’d have to be determined.
She’s cheated on me. But not often. And I kind of feel- I was an alcoholic at the time.
Anyway! We’re going through it.
But he’s such a nice guy! She’d- *he rolls his eyes*
Actually, he’d probably be faithful to Lacey. But if he was single!?
*he laughs*
Alina: I don’t think so.
Bobby says he’s gay!
The man: HE AIN’T GAY, LADY!
My wife says she slept with a guy who looked like him, in college. In the 1970’s.
Alina: No. There’s some mistake.
He is a gay man.
The man: I give-up.
You’re wrong. But I give-up.
Alina: Yay!
He won! *she says mocking him*
Ever since we eat the babies…we don’t have to make no more sense.
A model: *Baby dripping out of her mouth.*
It tastes like…white poop.
Garlicky white…pussy…stuff.
Alina: YAY! I love you.
You are rich person!
*she claps her hands together*
You are the rich one!
Yay!
I am impressed.
The model: The baby tastes like cottage cheese! That’s all!
I am not scared.
It is just like cheese!
Alina: I am. I am so scared now.
*she giggles*
You ate COTTAGE CHEESE!
The model: I could throw-up.
Alina: Huh! *she yawns*
The model: I AM going to Hell.
*A demon possesses her. She jerks around wildly.*
*Alina starts foaming at the mouth*
Casi: *sincerely, screams in horror*
The psychopath: This creeps me out, but I had no conscience.
It does taste WEIRD.
A Jew: Then WHY DID YOU EAT IT!?
The psychopath: I’m- I enjoy evil.
And…I like hurting people.
And…I didn’t want to seem weak. I didn’t want to seem like a loser.
Alina: Baby for dinner? Okay!
*she giggles*
*she claps her hands like a seal*
Putin: I love when she does this!
She is so beautiful.
Alina: I LIVE FOR YOU! YOUR MAJESTY!
Putin: You do not.
You LIAR!
Alina: I only slept with Nate twice.
On Tuesday.
To make you jealous.
And it worked!
*she claps, gleefully*
Putin: I AM NOT JEALOUS!
Alina: Okay.
Then I sleep with him again. Next week!
Putin: No.
You will be too busy.
Alina: Ahh!
*she giggles and eats her cold cereal*
I stay thin.
The things men put us through! Us women should revolt. Start our own country!
Such LOSERS!
Putin: I LOVE YOU!
You are so smart!
You are so right.
A reader: She has him in a sexual chokehold!
Casi: *nods*
She’s a genius.
A reader: I hate this.
This is-
Casi: Nah.
This dynamic is COMMON AS DIRT.
Lacey: *nods*
Casi: I assumed you were like this!
Lacey: NO!
Are you?
Casi: I can be.
So you understand it…?
Lacey: I understand how it works. That’s all.
Casi: What the hell!?
Gene: Lacey has a fever, as she’s writing this. She’s trying to enjoy the fever!
The psychopath: COOL!
I’ve done that too.
Lacey: It’s like being in a hot sauna.
It is detox, you know?
The psychopath: YEAH.
*he thinks about it*
Hayden: It’s not that she wants a fever. She’s just…unusually tough.
Lacey: I’m not sold on the Kabaeva Dynasty. I’m sorry.
Putin: Did you love me at all?
Lacey: *thinks*
Yes.
Putin: That’s not much.
Lacey: No, and yes.
I got over you!
Don’t worry.
Putin: I assumed you were heartbroken.
Lacey: Of course.
Casi: Why are you so obsessed? He’s not interested!
Lacey: I’m not.
Casi: None of this is true!
You’re absolutely making all of this up. Because he devastated you!
Because you’re poor and ugly! And incredibly stupid.
Yup. I’m better than you. Yup!
*she nods to herself*
Yup!
*she thinks*
Why would you be angry!? If you’re not in love!?
Lacey: Because it’s all incredibly evil.
Casi: That’s normal.
You’re just a goody-two-shoes!
Mollock: No.
No, this is a highly abnormal amount of evil.
Especially in power.
Casi: Wait!
How would you know that!?
Mollock: I’ve been around the whole time. Remember?
Casi: *thinks*
*starts to cry*
No!
NO!
You must not have been!
Mollock: That’s your calculation?
Casi: Yes! There’s no way you’re that good at figuring out anything. You’re just a stupid demon.
Mollock: I’m not that simple.
Casi: No!
That’s not true!
Mollock: Actually, that’s been the opinion of many elites. For a while. You can partially thank Low Church doctrine.
Casi: No way!
You’re nothing.
I CONTROL YOU!
Mollock: Oh!
Who gave you that impression?
Casi: GOD!
Mollock: Hmm.
Well….
In a way, He’d say you do. Through the power of the Cross. But only because of the sacrifice of Jesus.
Otherwise…I CAN CONTROL YOU.
Casi: How? I’m a heck of a lot smarter than that! *she laughs*
*she smiles*
Mollock: How many people today think that!?
God: Most.
Mollock: Lacey does not.
No.
I’m much more powerful than you, Casi.
Casi: But you have no physical form!
And there’s not even evidence that you EXIST.
Mollock: I have no more patience!!! *he yells at God*
Keen to Cross the Pond 
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