(Some mature adult content may be below)
Lacey’s neighbor to her right, who lives in a rented house: I watch her in the morning when she’s taking her daughter to school. I just stand there. Watching.
This morning I heard her yell. In her house.
And then…her daughter got in her big kid car seat…and then- Well- It looked like she shut the door on her daughter’s foot.
And then she stood there. And waited.
And she made sure her daughter’s limbs were in the car…and then she slammed the door shut.
And I’m sick of it. So I yelled at her for once from my house. I said, “THAT’S COMPLETELY SADISTIC!”
And now I’m calling CPS. This woman will be stopped.
My wife admires me for my courage.
*Later.*
Lacey: I didn’t mean to slam the door on my daughter’s foot.
That almost never happens. And I didn’t slam the door. If I had slammed the door she’d be yelling or crying. She wasn’t.
You’re being CREEPY. Why are you watching me?
Her male neighbor in the rented house on the corner: You heard me?
Lacey: I did.
The male neighbor: But you acted like you didn’t hear me.
Hey. Is your other child upstairs?
Alone?
Lacey: In my locked house?
The male neighbor: *Laughs*
You’re weird.
And I’m gonna save your kids.
The neighbor: Oh! Why did I act like you-Why did I act like I couldn’t hear you?
Lacey: I wasn’t engaging with you.
I don’t know you.
I’m focused on getting my daughter to school on time.
The neighbor: Oh!
Oh!
Okay? FATSO!
Lacey: That’s better. Insulting my weight is a far better way to attack me.
Please stop threatening my personal safety. In my own private home.
The neighbor: You don’t have that!
That’s not real.
You own your home…but it’s a mortgage.
THAT IS NOT YOUR PRIVATE PROPERTY!!
The U.S. Government: Yes.
It is.
According to the laws of our country.
That is her private property.
The Illuminati who demonically aggravates her neighbors to attack her: It’s actually our house.
We own it.
Her neighbor who lives across her driveway: Wait, what!?
Prince William: After the rough night she had last night…I psychically sent her images of me. As young man, this morning. Maybe that’s why she was yelling.
Meghan Markle: I thought we decided she wasn’t attracted to you-
Harry: Shh-
Prince William: I’m not going to cry!
I’m not mad.
Lacey’s neighborhood: *Stunned*
Meghan Markle: Why was she yelling?
Lacey: I was getting dressed and my daalmakr walked in the room. We were in a rush this morning.
So I yelled at her to stop opening the door.
I said, “STOP OPENING THE DOOR!”
A reader of the blog: Devin why don’t you just ask her out? Why don’t you just…confront the situation?
Devin: *Working*
Lacey’s neighborhood: These are not fictional people! And THIS AINT SNL!
I’m not funny!
Now…
The CIA: She’s not breaking any laws.
And…actually her neighbors seem pretty…antagonist towards her…
North Korea: *Laughing*
*Smiling*
The DNC: Sometimes I feel like it’s Bobby Kennedy Junior versus North Korea.
Like that’s the whole world in a nutshell. At the moment.
Bobby: What!?
I get along well with Kim.
The DNC: Kim!?
Bobby: *Laughs*
The DFL: So do you ever stop psychically stalking Lacey?
Bobby: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Lacey’s neighbors: No. He’s…-
Actually, yes. Let’s have it out on this blog.
We don’t like you!
Lacey: And then what?
I’m working on moving. I’ve told you all that on Facebook.
Lacey’s neighbors: WE DEMAND YOU LEAVE!
The U.S. Government: You can’t legally do that.
Lacey’s neighbors: *seem nervous*
She’s REPUBLICAN.
She’s A CONSERVATIVE.
Clearly she’s in the wrong.
The GOP: *Laughing*
Are you sure?
Her neighbors: Why?
The GOP: Hey! Here’s a refresher course on being an adult: sometimes you have to drive in your own lane. It’s nice.
You might not like the people driving next to you…but…oh well. Certain things aren’t actually personal, as an adult.
Her neighbors: *Cries*
You know you have an AWFULLY NICE CAR!!
The Saint Paul Police: They’ve found nails in their tires twice since moving into the neighborhood. Are you all doing that to them? That’s…literally attempted murder. If they get into a wreck and die. Seriously. You can’t threaten someone’s life…legally.
Do you all understand that?
Her neighbors: *Look stunned*
One VERY Liberal neighbor: But what about-
I’m mad…about…the immigration concentration camps.
Devin: The Immigration…CONCENTRATION…Camps. Did you mean to…do that?
One VERY Liberal neighbor: What?
Devin: It rhymes.
One VERY Liberal neighbor: BOY YOU’RE REAL DETERMINED TO BE IN THE RIGHT!!! *they yell at Lacey*
Lacey: What are you talking about?
One VERY Liberal neighbor: I’m not that Liberal.
Lem: Oh! Excuse me Madame.
Lacey: *Laughs*
You had an Ice protest sign displayed prominently on your front porch. You never forwarded your mail. You lived in our house. We bought it from you and your husband, Christian. And…you clearly donated to the Sierra Club, subscribed to The New Yorker and donated to the ACLU. I mean…I could go on.
How can you say you’re, “Not that Liberal”? Weren’t you proud union members too?
Her Liberal neighbor: You need to mind.
I’m your mother.
Lacey: Are you trying to be funny?
Her Liberal neighbor: Okay.
I’m condescending.
Lacey: Okay?
A female reader: Hold on!
She’s not allowed…to at all get angry? But you can threaten someone’s life…and call them sadistic as they’re getting their kids in the car for school…and that’s okay?
Lacey’s neighborhood: *Thinks*
A Liberal reader: Well…I’m confused.
My gut is telling me two different things.
First, I should have her back. But that’s corny. So…ick.
And then my gut tells me to attack her and side with her neighbors, with absolute blind determination. And that feels…cool…and sexy…and exciting. That will get me clout.
Lacey’s female neighbor to her other right: Why?
Because I’m cool?
My neighbor growing-up was Tim Walz.
Another reader: WOAH!
You just stand there watching her?
The neighborhood who lives in that house: Yes.
I do.
With me Folger’s.
Another reader: Why?
The neighbor who lives in that house: She’s blinding you.
To the truth.
Another reader: No. You’re REALLY IN HER FACE.
And she was rushing to get to school!?
The neighbor: I’m not going to be threatened.
Bobby: Are we creating a Nazi Republic?
A Nazi in the GOP: Yes???
This does dovetail well with our plans.
Bobby Kennedy Junior: Mmm…
Yeah…
Werner: Well…she is German.
A group of white nationalists: She is?
Werner: So…there are many men who could have married her.
In Nazi Germany. We had this conversation.
I am one of them.
Her father was not a Nazi. He was…a powerful man. And his mother was German.
A group of white nationalists in the U.S. White House: Huh.
Bobby: Yeah…
God: Oh!
Are you not feeling it anymore?
Bobby: Feeling what?
God: Doing the whole Nazi thing.
Bobby: *Let’s out a deep breath.*
Well…
God: So…I guess because she’s German?
Bobby: I mean…
Her neighbor who lives across the driveway from her house: Yup.
Lacey: What would you call yourself if you’re not “a Liberal”?
Devin: *Thinking*
You know…I may not read this blog.
The Illuminati might be real though.
And I think the Holy Spirit could be contacting me.
Do you all do telepathy?
The Illuminati: Is someone smoking pot now in her neighborhood? She’s smiling pot.
We can and do read her. Constantly.
Her family has literally billions in oil.
Well, her legal family.
The neighbor who lives in the house across the driveway, who rents their duplex house: Oh. Well…I’m not impressed.
Another neighbor: Okay.
Lacey: So…would you call yourself a Liberal?
The neighbor who lives across the driveway: Where are you going with that!?
Wait! Now watch her get angry? *He giggles, in excitement*
The CIA: You guys were the ones who spray painted…and sent fumes into her windows.
Right?
The neighbor who lives across the driveway: We were just painting our Bean Bag Toss board.
*He nods like it’s no big deal.*
The CIA: Except you’re getting them high. Potentially. Without their consent.
The fumes from the spray paint were going into their rooms. That’s not what you do. You don’t fill your room with spray paint. Do you understand? You’re supposed to use them in open air. For a reason.
They didn’t consent to that. And that’s their private property.
You’re acting like literal terrorists.
The neighbor who lives across the driveway: I’m calling a lawyer!!!
You can’t threaten me!!!
That’s not the CIA.
See…Lacey. You’re dumb. I’m working with the Illuminati to sadistically harass you.
Because I’m in with them. They like me.
I went to the U of M.
The CIA: Umm-
Oh!
And I need your help!?
The neighbor across the driveway: I’m kind of a big deal.
The CIA: How so?
Bobby: He’s in the Kennedy! He’s in my family.
The CIA: How!?
Bobby: He worked for the CIA!
The CIA: I go along with that…at times…in private…to get along with people and try to control Lacey. I’m not going to say that in public.
I don’t know who’s reading this.
Bobby Kennedy Junior: No one reads her silly, stupid blog!!!
Come on!!!
Get real!
The CIA: Ahh…no. People do.
Mark Zuckerberg is being honest for a change and admitting they play with the numbers. But we can still see someone is reading this.
Bobby: Okay.
But you can tell who’s reading it!
The CIA: Umm…-
Bobby: No!
It’s chill.
I’ll just give Mark Zuckerberg head.
The CIA: *freaking out and losing power and control*
Does he want that?
Bobby: Duh.
Everyone does.
Everyone does.
Everyone has wanted to sleep with me since I was a child.
The CIA: Bobby, he says he’s had to threaten your life to get you to stop coming on to him. I don’t think you can give him oral sex to get information.
Bobby Kennedy Junior: No.
He’s TOTALLY INTO IT.
It’s cool.
I’m sure I’m fine with it.
The CIA: He’s not.
He’s not FINE WITH IT.
Bobby you’re harassing him.
Lacey’s Liberal neighbor: Wait. Why?
Bobby Kennedy Junior is a big deal!!!
Mark Zuckerberg: I’m a lot younger than him and I’m middle aged.
So…
It’s-
*He laughs awkwardly*
I mean, he’s not my type. I’m sorry!
Lacey’s Liberal neighbor: So you’re snubbing him?
WEIRD!
So weird.
*She completely freaks out*
Lacey’s neighbor who lives across the driveway: STOP THREATENING ME, LACEY!!
STOP THREATENING ME!
The CIA: What’s she doing?
Lacey’s neighbor who lives across the driveway: I’m-
I feel-
You can’t DO THIS TO ME!!
The CIA: What are we actually doing?
Can you think?
Bobby: You know what I think? I think…he wants me.
Lacey’s Liberal neighbor: Who?
Bobby Kennedy Junior: MARK ZUCKERBERG!
Dude…keep up.
Lacey’s Liberal neighbor: Bobby…I’m a little scared you’re actually harassing him.
Bobby: Why?
Lacey’s Liberal neighbor: Oh…
Bobby: Don’t you know?
*He waits*
I’m Bobby Kennedy Junior.
…Like…the son of…thee Robert Kennedy Junior. I mean, the son of Robert…Francis…Kennedy.
Lacey’s neighbor who lives across the driveway: Yeah!
No, I’ve heard of him.
Bobby: *Looks confused, but smiles*
*Laughs*
So…-
*Awkward pause, while someone drills something in the neighborhood somewhere.*
A reader of the blog: DEVIN-
Mark Zuckerberg: GET AWAY!!! *He screams like he’s being attacked by a swarm of bees*
GET AWAY!!
Bobby: What?
What!?
Vladimir Putin: Bobby, can you stop?
We are working.
Bobby: Oh!
So you two are giving each other head?
Figures.
LOSERS!
Vladimir Putin: No.
We’re both very happy men. Most content.
But…we have important work to do.
Bobby: I’m not impressed.
Man!
Can you believe those idiots? *He says to Lacey’s Liberal neighbor*
Devin: This is weirdly like “The Office”.
God: Yeah.
Funny, huh?
*Awkward pause.*
Bobby: *Turns up loud music and begins twerking.*
Lacey’s neighbor who lives across the driveway: *Starts trying to dance with Bobby*
Bobby: STOP!
I’m not-
STOP!
Lacey’s neighbor who lives across the driveway: Oh!
Wait what?
Bobby: *Laughs*
*Starts getting angry at the man who lives there.*
STOP!
Lacey’s neighbor who lives in the house across her driveway: Umm-
I’m your back-up dancer.
Bobby: I do not need your help getting laid!
GEEZ!
*Bobby takes off his shirt, and flings it on the ground, dramatically.*
Lacey’s neighbor who lives across the driveway: Oh. Cool, dude. Sorry.
Bobby: *Laughs*
That’s okay.
Man.
*He starts flinging his junk around, in a lurid dance.*
*A group of people laugh in the background. He never seems to hear them, psychically, at all.*
Mark Zuckerberg: I’m not not being genuinely attacked though. It’s-
He’s a terror.
One of Lacey’s former neighbors: You know…we didn’t vote for him.
No!! We really didn’t!!
A random person somewhere: *Nods their head in agreement*
One of Lacey’s former neighbors: At least that’s one shred of evidence that this country is something.
*Bobby is breathless. Shaking. Sweaty. And has to finally sit down. The song is still playing.*
Lacey’s neighbor who lives across her driveway: Man!
You’re gettin’ old!
Bobby: *Laughs*
Jonah: I’m curious.
Do men actually respond to that?
Bobby: Huh?
Jonah: Do men…like when you do that?
Bobby: *His face goes blank, somewhat. He looks…missing, somehow.*
What!?
Jonah: Do you get…dates?
Bobby: I mean-
*He thinks*
It gets people going.
People love seeing me shirtless. I’m an incredibly sexy man!
HAVE YOU SEEN ME!?
A Boomer woman in a white skirt suit somewhere: He is attractive.
Jonah: MMM…
Well.
Bobby: He’s full of shit!
He’d fuck me!
Jonah: Huh.
Bobby: No, you would man! Come on!
Lacey’s Liberal neighbor: *Looks puzzled*
The Boomer, white woman in the white skirt suit: I think he’s attractive.
Lacey’s Liberal neighbor: How old are we?
The Boomer, white skirt suit woman: *Thinks*
Ha!
*Looks angry*
Lacey’s Liberal neighbor: It’s-
I’m not…that into him…
The Boomer, white skirt suit woman: I’m not either. I have a husband.
Lacey’s Liberal neighbor: *Looks horrified*
The CIA: There are people who want him dead.
All over the world.
But someone shot Charlie Kirk instead of shooting him. We-
The Boomer, white skirt suit woman: Wasn’t me!
NO!
I SWEAR!!
The CIA: Okay.
Well-
Someone decided to assassinate Charlie Kirk instead of assassinating-
Yet another reader: Assassinating another Kennedy?
The CIA: *Thinks*
Yes.
They’re worried it will look weird.
Lacey’s Liberal neighbor: Yeah.
The CIA: What to do?
It’s…EXHAUSTING.
He’s…exhausting.
Bobby: *Dances like he’s on crack, all of the sudden*
I WANT THE MEN…AND WOMEN…TO SEE MY STAMINA!
Jonah: I have a feeling we’re going to miss you when you die, Bobby.
How much evil do you alone confine?
Bobby: How many demons?
Jonah: *Nods*
Bobby: Dozens.
Sometimes I do try to be a Christian. So maybe they aren’t possessing me.
*He thinks*
Maybe they’re just…”working with me”?
A white Boomer man: Umm…
Bobby, you workin’ that ass?
*He cackles*
Bobby: *Laughs with a group of other aging Boomer bisexual men*
Yet another reader: Are they all white?
The CIA: *nods in affirmation*
Bobby: *Looks shocked, as one of them grabs him*
Lacey: *Yelling at him*
WHY ARE YOU SHOCKED!?
Bobby: *Stops and glances coolly over at her*
I’m not!
No! I’m faking it.
Lacey: So it’s consensual?
Bobby: YES!
*All of the men stop and genuinely awkwardly pause*
A Boomer man: Bobby…I’d stop bringing Lacey and Lem’s energy with you, everywhere.
Lacey: I knew something was up.
You’re faking it?
Why?
This does involve me. And Lem.
Bobby: SHIT!!
Lacey: So you do pretend to be…taken by surprise. But it’s fake:
Bobby: *Looks caught*
Lacey: Lem wasn’t gay.
You just think that…because you fake it.
Bobby: *Awkwardly bends over, resting his hands on his kneecaps. He acts like he’s ignoring her, but she knows he can hear her.*
One of the Boomer men who was with him: Lacey! It’s cool!
He’s not going to bother you and Lem!
Lacey: *Nods*
I’m keeping an eye on this!!
Bobby: *Looks embarrassed*
Lacey: Ha!
Now, is that real or fake!?
Bobby: Both.
Lacey: YEAH RIGHT!
You’re not a man with much shame at all!
Bobby: Whatever.
Lacey: Don’t let him come near me!!
I need to go wash dishes.
And don’t go near Mark Zuckerberg and Vladimir Putin!!
DO NOT!!!
Black Rock: What if…we’re doing that…to harass them?
Lacey: *Laughs*
Hold on.
I’m going to get a snack.
*She goes and gets corn chips, nacho cheese, and Diet Coke.*
Lacey: I’m listening.
Black Rock: *Takes a deep breath*
I’m sorry we’re dealing with you, in this way.
Lacey: *Thinks*
*Smiles*
Does Oxford mean anything anymore?
Black Rock: *Thinks*
The UK: It does to us!
Lacey: Harvard and all that? Must mean something!
Black Rock: *Thinks*
You’re so hood.
Lacey:
That’s my dad. On the right.
He was a very sophisticated man. He grew-up in a wealthy, genteel family. But… he was sort “hood” too.
I don’t know! It’s just…what we’re doing, I guess.
The woman in the white skirt suit: So! That’s Akhenaten!
Lacey: It actually does kind of look like him.
The CIA: It does…
Lacey: I’m not 100% sold on him being Akhenaten. But that is my daddy.
*She smiles*
A Boomer man: You did have a dad who actually loved you.
Lacey: You know, I really think I did! And do!
A Boomer man: And Lord Loughborough?
Lord Loughborough: That’s not her fight.
Tom: True!
Very true.
But she is my little baby girl!!!
John Belter: I think Jim loves her too.
What’s going on with Mark and Vladimir? I know it isn’t sexual. And I’m sure it’s very private.
I’d like to know.
Black Rock: *Panics*
Lacey: So?
Black Rock: Bobby’s having sex.
John Belter: GREAT!
Congratulations.
Black Rock:
Lacey: LET ME GUESS!
Mark-
Black Rock: Stop.
Lacey: He’s making a deal?
Black Rock: Well no shit.
Lacey: Yup.
So!!
What’s the deal!?
Black Rock: *Laughs*
We don’t know either?
Lacey: No!!
Come on!!!
You must know!
Black Rock: *Someone laughs*
*Someone else says the following* No, we don’t have any- We don’t know. They’re closing us out.
Lacey: *Thinks*
Well it can only be so many things.
Black Rock: Could you list them all off?
Lacey: Yes.
If you gave me enough time.
Black Rock: I can’t.
Lacey: *Thinks*
*Takes a deep breath*
*Exhales*
I think I know!
Black Rock: Well don’t say on this blog. Please.
Lacey: FINE!
Did any of you go to Oxford?
Black Rock: A few of us. *says yet another man*
Lacey: Does that mean anything anymore?
Black Rock: We don’t know either. To be honest.
Lacey: See…unless those schools are completely crumbling…I can’t help but think Cambridge and Oxford should always mean something.
Black Rock: Why just those two schools?
Lacey: *Laughs maniacally*
No, I’m just joking. …Or am I?
*She thinks*
It’s because they’ve been here. …They’re HERE.
Black Rock: Iran may agree with you.
Lacey: YES!
Kind of like the pyramids.
Iran: *nods*
Lacey: They’re the schools to keep.
They’re rich with history.
Black Rock: Is there any way to stop talking to her?
God: Yes.
Just be respectful and stop.
Energetically? No.
You’ve created a monster, energetically, with all your witchcraft.
A reader of Lacey’s blog: *Laughs at just her*
Well! ENJOY!
Black Rock: WE DID IT.
Why are you…thinking she did everything?
A reader of Lacey’s blog: Okay.
*Freaks out*
*Feels really dumb*
*Freaks out some more*
She did it? By sexing up some dumb guy.
Jim: No. I don’t think that’s likely.
So you don’t like to admit we have oil?
A reader of Lacey’s blog: *Thinks*
Well how’d she do it?
Jim: I don’t understand.
How’d she do it!?
A reader of Lacey’s blog: What…the fuck?
Jim: She didn’t do anything?
A reader of Lacey’s blog: I just…don’t think these men would…go after her.
Jim: Uhuh.
Who are you?
A reader of Lacey’s blog: I’m a white Christian male in America.
Jim: So you don’t think Black Rock is behind anything bad?
A reader of Lacey’s blog: YOU GOT ME!
Jim: I’ve got you!?
Wow!
You are a dumb ignorant fuck. Aren’t you? You stubborn piece of gutter shit!
A reader of Lacey’s blog: YOU CANNOT TALK TO ME THAT WAY!
I care about all the poor kids.
Jim: I care more.
A reader of Lacey’s blog: You ain’t shit!!
Jim: So you’re a coward or a worthless piece of shit?
A reader of Lacey’s blog: I’m GONNA KILL YOU!!!
Jim: *Nods and laughs*
Wow.
You have a psychotic and unbearable level of self-righteousness.
A reader of Lacey’s blog: I’m gonna kill your daughter!!!
Jim: And as evil and unhinged as you are…you’re still feeling morally justified? Wow.
You’re sad.
How old are you?
A reader of Lacey’s blog: 65.
I live in Minnesota. Down near…Cold Spring.
Jim: Wow.
*He laughs*
You a drinker?
A reader of Lacey’s blog: Yut.
Jim: You’re an alcoholic, aren’t you?
A reader of Lacey’s blog: Yes.
Jim: I’m not.
Lacey barely ever drinks-
Wait-
Hold on.
Why are you so angry all of the sudden. You’re defaming her character. You’re in the wrong if you’re wrong.
A reader of Lacey’s blog: You speak?
Lacey: *Laughs*
God! You’re like a hate robot.
Is he controlled by any demonic entities?
Black Rock: Yes.
We’ve accidentally and intentionally been sending swarms of demons of hatred to the poor. He may be possessed by a demon of blind hatred.
Lacey: I’m trying to reason with him.
Look-
A reader of Lacey’s blog: SHUT-UP!!
You shut-up!!
Black Rock: Bobby, why are you expecting Lacey to be faithful to Lem? Why is anyone expecting that!?
This man…is able to attack her…because of what he did with your uncle. He totally betrayed her. But I don’t think he meant to…
Poor sod.
A reader of Lacey’s blog: *Weirdly suddenly calms down and walks away*
The demon of hatred controlling him: He’s touched. Mentally.
Jim: Is he a nice person!?
The demon of hatred controlling him: No.
*He laughs with Lacey.*
He’s actually a total asshole.
Another reader from Minnesota: Who does he hate?
The demon of hatred controlling him: Oh wow!
*He laughs*
*He thinks*
Another reader from Minnesota: You come in through the liquor?
And…you’re like his babysitter?
The demon of hatred controlling him: Yes, I’m like his babysitter.
We have actual fun together. And that could be why he can’t give-up drinking.
Lacey just interceded to Heaven for him.
Note that! *He yells to his sort of secretary*
I guess…he just…-
*He shakes his head in thought*
He prefers my company.
Lacey: Are you male?
The demon of hatred controlling him: Yes.
He bi?
Lacey: Yes!
The demon of hatred controlling him: Yes.
Lacey: Are you consenting?
The demon of hatred controlling him: No.
I’m experienced. I’m very experienced with this stuff. But…yes…I have to constantly watch my back.
Lacey: Are you okay?
God: Yeah! Things have gotten that evil.
Jim: Satan, you went too far?
Satan: Yes.
I shouldn’t have killed Cory, for one thing.
Fern shouldn’t be dead.
Jim: *Nods*
You’re not an idiot though, right?
Satan: No!!
Jim: What happened?
Satan: I can’t talk about it. I’m sorry.
Jim: *Almost nods in empathy.*
Satan: I’m sure Cory shouldn’t be dead.
Jim: That was dumb.
Satan: *Looks scolded. Almost cries.*
Jim: *Is shocked*
The demon of hatred: He’s not that bad?
But…he is.
To be honest.
Lacey:
A woman who believes in consent: WHAT DOES HE DO?
The demon of hatred: No, it’s just like he grabs me.
Jeff Bezos: Jim.
Jim…did you just parent the Antichrist?
*He cracks-up laughing*
Jim: *Laughs*
Oh well.
*He thinks*
I can’t think that will hurt anyone?
Jeff Bezos: I hope not!
Jim: *Thinks*
That’s too bad you didn’t buy that house?
Lacey: It was too bad.
There were mushrooms growing in the basement.
Jim: YIKES!
Lacey: I enjoyed touring it.
Jim: *Nods*
Lacey: It was built in the 1870’s.
Jim: *Thinks*
That’s not-
How much money do you think it would take to restore it?
Lacey: Oh my goodness!
At least $300,000.00.
We could get $100,000.00 but that’s not enough.
Jim: *Nods*
Well…what was it like?
Lacey: It was actually kind of weird.
Yes! Weird.
Because when you walked in the “front door” you found yourself in a strange “formal dining-room” –
Jim: Hold on!
Did they add on to the house?
Lacey: *Thinks*
Do you find this interesting?
Jim: Yes.
*He nods*
Lacey: *Thinking*
I think they may have.
Jim: *Laughs and nods*
Lacey…I think you’re being snobby.
Lacey: *Thinks*
*Thinks some more.*
Except…you’d never want to live there either.
Jim: No, it’s not like those Southern Plantations. It’s…-
Well, what is it?
Lacey: *Thinks*
It’s a rail house.
It was a block or two away from an old railroad. At least I think it’s old. And they’ve updated it.
Jim: I wonder how old it really is?
Lacey: I have a feeling it actually is from the 1870’s. It feels like that era to me.
Jim: How can you tell?
Lacey: It’s-
It’s-
*She thinks.*
I think they added on to the house because it was connected to the railroad.
Jim: *Nods*
Lacey: Gosh!
I miss you and Becca. Mark is incredibly smart…but he never has a sense of things like this.
Let see…
This room with this wash basin that could be from the 20s or 30s? Maybe 1940’s? I think it’s earlier than the 50s.
That room has really high ceilings with these enormous built-in cupboards. And I think that there’s something with that room that’s connected to the railroad. 
I don’t know if railroad workers lived there or what? Maybe the railroad built the house and the conductor lived there?
Because that room feels like a train station.
The cupboards are probably from the 40s or 20’s? But what was there? Are those cupboards actually even from the 1870s? And I suspect that that architecture in that room which is sort of central to the house is evidence that it really is from the 1870s.  The height of the ceilings, the shape of the room, it’s in the details of the walls themselves. 
Jim: *Excited*
YEAH!
*Thinks*
What was really wrong with it?
Lacey: Mold.
They had tried to safely secure all these little holes in the old brick walls in the basement with some sort of spray Styrofoam. And there was water in the basement…
I think there’s a leakage problem. 
And I think there’s a lot of water that runs into that basement. And then I think it’s gotten into the walls and moved up the side of the house into the second floor.
Jim: *Nods*
Lacey: There’s a smell in the second floor that hits you when you first lock up the stairs that almost makes you vomit. And I would say the carpet would probably need to be ripped out- But I don’t think it’s just the carpet. 
Jim: No!
How would you fix the house?
Lacey: I think you’d probably have to, if you really were going to take it seriously, to probably gut the entire thing.
Jim: *Nods*
Lacey: So I think you’d probably have to rip out all of the plaster on the walls. Check to see if any of the original woodwork that is the structure of the house is workable?
So… then of course you’d have to do a thorough inspection of all of the wood. And possibly replace a few things here and there and maybe add-on because of global warming and storms. 
And then of course you have to waterproof things, but I would say you don’t want to waterproof it too much because it’s nature and over time if water gets trapped in the house or possibly even in some cases trapped out of the house, you could actually get some sort of awful disease growing in the walls or you could have other terrible things growing.
Dr. Thorsten Moritz: I told you that I waterproofed my house. That was one of the reasons that we didn’t end-up seriously dating. 
Lacey: Yes.
I wanted to respect you as a man, but that made me a little suspicious, and I was on guard after that, and I was listening very carefully to see what else you were going to say.
One of Lacey’s neighbors: Why are you being so silly? 
Lacey: After I was attacked by the illuminati 10 years ago, I don’t have a choice. They refused to accept my humanity and have any respect for it on a certain level. And so that sort of natural barrier that everyone else has between them and everyone else, they totally abolished with me, because they were determined to find my evil, that doesn’t necessarily exist at all. 
So where normally I wouldn’t be demonically attacked, and I could walk around at the Minnesota State fair this year as opposed to last year I had people bumping into me everywhere I walked because there’s a sort of spiritual barrier that we all have in relation to each other, that they refuse to accept exists. They find it personally offensive. They’ve labeled it some other crazy thing in their new age supernatural diagram that they have of me, and they think that it’s something offensive. And so we just don’t deal with that. Because they believe that it’s evil or that it’s wrong or that I’m violating them somehow or that I’m being greedy or narrowminded or lordly in some perverse British aristocratic way.
Laura: Is it your humanity? As like a spiritual concept?
Lacey: I wish it was, because that’s very easy.
But these are people who were dumb enough to eat babies.
*Lacey laughs*
It’s not that that’s not terrible but it’s so profoundly awful that it becomes stupid by any reasonable standard at all and there’s something slightly funny about it in a very dark gallows humor, sort of way. 
I think it’s what I’m saying.
It’s almost sort of like a pH barrier. But it’s the supernatural aspect, almost like an aura.  It could even be my aura.  Whatever an aura even is. 
But whatever an aura is, if it’s related to that, they refuse to accept that that’s a thing with me and they’re determined to force me to sort of interact with everyone in this raw difficult way.
Laura: If I hadn’t asked you that would you be allowed to say anything about it at all?
Lacey: NO!
I’m incredibly angry at God!
I’m a Christian. I totally believe he’s God. I’m sure there’s an explanation but I’m very very angry at him and I’m looking forward to not being angry at him.
I think because they refuse to accept my aura… whatever that is… if someone doesn’t talk to me first about something, it just isn’t psychically spiritually able to be part of the collective consciousness, whatever that is physically between all humans alive.
Laura: It sort of seems like they’re threatened by you and they think of you as a queen. And so they’re trying to laugh at you in a way because they have the power now. And yet I kind of doubt that they do. I also doubt that they really fully understand what that power even is.
I have a feeling that it’s a reference to the queen having to acknowledge them first before they could speak. 
Lacey: Yes.
So there’s nothing I can do. If you don’t bring something up first all I can do is just play the defenses.
They don’t understand this fully, but they have me psychically, physically trapped in like literal, invisible chains. I’m not able to speak at times I’m not able to move or even talk as myself or breathe.
And Tucker Carlson has made fun of that because he refuses to accept that the oil means anything because he feels very personally threatened by it.
I can’t stand that man and I care about him. I respect him, but he’s an absolute fucking idiot.
I used to think his Trinity school college was impressive potentially because I went to Messiah, but the more that I’ve talked to him, I’m beginning to think that was an enormous red flag in his pedigree. Because he acts like he went to Oxford like Dr. Harles of Messiah College. I had classes with that man, and I also dated Dr. Moritz who went to Cambridge. Those men have a particular way of talking. And imitates it. But I don’t think it’s real.
Even if he went to some prep school, so did my husband Mark basically, and I’m sorry, but Choate’s not that superior to Loomis Chafee. Mark my husband basically went to Loomis Chaffee. He could’ve gotten in- I don’t wanna talk about it, but he basically went there.
Mark is very down to earth, but he’s very smart. Kind of like Dr. Moritz. Those people are very intelligent and very powerful because they have so much knowledge. And that’s a very impressive thing to imitate but if you don’t have that knowledge-
So no, of course I respect him as a person, but I’m really disappointed the more that I’ve interacted with him over the years off and on to find out that he’s sort of a fake.  He’s a sellout, in my opinion. 
And I’m not even sure what he sold because he didn’t go to Cambridge, he didn’t go to Oxford. He didn’t go to Harvard. He didn’t go to Yale. He went to some unknown school in Connecticut.
Anyway, I am free even though I’m not able to control my own breath at times, despite what he says on his little TikTok show. Oh the freedom of thought having that ability in your own brain, he said that that’s what makes you free and not a slave and beneath me.  And he’s in the Illuminati officially so I should take his position as Tucker Carlson far more seriously than I do, even though I have oil because he has a television show on your television and the oil in my family isn’t as impressive as his television show. 
He doesn’t believe in the aristocracy, he doesn’t believe in anything other than his television show? 
It is so depressing to me to see everyone trust him like he actually is fucking worth a fuck.  And I’m sure those people are actually just looking for a Christian with a brain who went to Oxford and I am sure God will protect them even though he’s nothing more than a joke as an intellectual potentially. 
Erin: So we can’t make her cease to exist because that’s why we don’t take anything she says seriously. We thought we had the power through the Illuminati to make her cease to exist. Right?
A Catholic in Minnesota: *Has a panic attack*
You’re a lying guilty piece of shit Lacey because I’m so scared shitless that I feel like I’m crawling out of my own skin. I can’t take what you’re saying seriously because if I do then I feel like I should fight my own country and I’m tired and I’m hungry and I’m bored and I’m stressed out and I don’t have time for this. 
Lacey: I know. Which is why I make it a joke. It already is quite funny, but I make it funnier because I’m trying to make light of a very awful situation.
A demon of hatred: Yeah, you guys are really slow on the uptake!
There’s nothing actually crazy about her blog at all. You guys are just too scared and incompetent to handle what’s happening and you’d rather lash out at her than deal with the reality of what’s actually happening to you. And I have to say that because you have spiritually on a physical plane level, gone too far. 
Jim: *Nods*
Lacey: See it is scary, but I feel like you guys have never seen a ghost hunting show like in your lives? You’ve never seen anything supernatural. Like you guys just totally don’t have a clue at all?
Jim: Well, Lacey, it’s not that entirely though. It’s that our family has a lot of oil and then they don’t know how to treat you and they’re scared of you because it’s so overwhelming.
Lacey: Are we too Norwegian to these people to make sense?
Jim: *Nods*
I think that could actually be true. There is a social order in Norway. But there’s this understanding that even though it exists, you’re supposed to sort of ignore it in a way even though you don’t really ignore it.
Lacey: Yeah.
Lacey’s neighbor: How are we supposed to treat you then?
Lacey: You’re just supposed to be chill.
Jim: I don’t understand.
What is it that you’re struggling with so much?
Lacey’s neighbor: I mean, I wanna know. Is this blog fictional or is it a joke? You can’t do this to me! I demand you fully explain yourself.
I don’t care that the Illuminati is after you and your family. They would never do that to me because I’m their best friends. 
Those people done like me a lot! I was in the south on a poor person slave plantation, owning slaves, and I just have to say that I don’t have no respect for you and your kin. 
Alright, finally I says it.
And now I feel kind of stupid on a certain level in my spirit cause I’m realizing that this is not about the Civil War. 
Oops.
But see they like me.
They like me they would never do to me what they’re doing to you. They want me to get ahead. I know that. 
If I had your oil, I would be best friends. I’d be at a country club and we would be shooting shots. 
I never had that much money, but I just know in my heart that I’m best friends with these people and they ain’t never gonna betray me. They ain’t never gonna betray me ma’am. They ain’t never gonna betray me. OK that never gonna happen.
A gay man: Do you realize how insane that is?
Lacey’s neighbor: It’s just I don’t want that family to have power. I want them to just die and suffer. OK?
Because that ain’t my oil and that ain’t my life and she she is prettier than me and they have an Audi.
I try to fool myself into thinking that she’s inferior. And it works pretty damn well because they’re my friends and they let me believe that I’m one of them. It don’t matter none that I ain’t got nothing like that. It’s that I’m their friend. We’re an association.
So I can just sort of lie to myself.
I ain’t gotta worry about your humanity none or the fact that you’re better than me. It don’t matter! 
Lacey: You know, I hear you, but you lied about that. You keep telling me that I have schizophrenia for real or that there’s something I’m doing for real this time that I need to sort of check myself on, in my conscience.
You keep using your woke card like you have some sort of enormous moral high ground over me and claiming that I’m really really off base… And I’m a person of great conscience and so then I have to check myself.
No, you have to listen to this! You don’t have a choice!
And so then I have to check myself intellectually and psychologically…to make sure that I’m not actually crazy, like 10 times a day. Cause you’re walking around my house…smoking pot…staring in my windows…cackling.
And so then I’m thinking: what did I do wrong? And that seems like a really good angle to you, apparently, because you think that way. I think you’re the sort of person who as long as you’re alive or still exist and you can smack someone in the face with your hand…you’re winning. You don’t have a conscience in that way. I don’t think when it comes to who’s actually winning and losing you have any conscience. I think you live in a world where as long as you exist you’ve won. I don’t think you have a conscience in that way.
And so you gave me the idea that I was doing something genuinely wrong.
If you had explained to me that you were friends with these people and you were just a southerner who didn’t give a shit, I would’ve understood you, but that’s not what you told me.
Lacey’s neighbor: *Thinks*
So there’s nothing I can do? 
Lacey: What are you even trying to do?
Lacey’s neighbor: You don’t accept defeat.
Lacey: No, actually I do, but I don’t understand what it is that you’re defeating.
Lacey’s neighbor: Oh crap because I bought my slaves from your country or you had something to do with the fact that I had a roof over my head.
Lacey: Let’s just say you did. Yeah a lot of your belligerence, should there be reincarnation, comes from the fact that you had your own land and what? Like 20 slaves?
Lacey’s neighbor: I guess so.
Lacey: So if I were to take your plantation away from you and refused to sell you a slave at all. Where does that leave you?
Lacey’s neighbor: You know where I would be.
Lacey: I’m trying to think.
You know you’re kind of resourceful. I have a feeling you’d probably have lived in a small log cabin. Somewhere in the woods. And maybe starved? You might have lived to be in your 60s, you might’ve had one child and that’s it.
Here’s the thing, though: are you still belligerent or not? 
Lacey’s neighbor: I’m still belligerent, yes.
Lacey: Where are your people from?
Lacey’s neighbor: We are from Wales.
And I think we’re also from somewhere in France?
Sort of like Cornwall?
Lacey: So you’re not Scottish?
Lacey’s neighbor: No.
Lacey: In your belligerence, are you impersonating Scottish people who you met in America?
Lacey’s neighbor: Yes.
Lacey: That’s not your culture! You have no idea what you’re doing!
You’re angry as a Welshman or as a French person those people don’t get angry in the same way that I do. I have no fucking clue what you’re even doing.
You’re going around shooting shots trying to start some sort of battle, but you have no idea what you’re doing when you’re referencing my culture that doesn’t belong to you at all!
Lacey’s neighbor: I’m extremely angry and I liked how your people expressed things.
It’s so effective!
Lacey: I hear you!!
OK, but if you want any sort of positive results, you have to use your own culture. Or you have to really understand what it is that you’re referencing. 
Lacey’s neighbor: *Tries a new tactic that’s more French.*
Lacey: Are you hurt?
Lacey’s neighbor: *Thinks*
Yes.
Lacey: *Thinks*
So you just want more space?
Lacey’s neighbor: I wanna take your life possibly and your entire house because I’m a thief and I don’t give a fuck about anyone.
Lacey: OK do you wanna shoot my whole family?
Lacey’s neighbor: No, I don’t. Not really.
Lacey: Do you want to torture us in your basement?
Lacey’s neighbor: No.
Lacey: In all actuality, you are running out of options.
Sweetie, I either end up dead or alive. That’s just the nature of this world. Did you think there was a third option?
Lacey’s neighbor: Yeah I did.
Lacey:  There isn’t one. There isn’t one.
*Later*
Lacey’s neighbor: Am I making sense to you!?
Lacey: YES.
Lacey’s neighbor: So…what am I saying? The way I act!
Lacey: *Thinks*
You’re saying, “We should fight!
Call out the bagpipes!
Let’s have fun!!
I may cut off your head…you may kill my brother…but…LET’S PARTY!!!“
Devin: So what does Lacey feel about war?
Lord Loughborough: She thinks it’s fun. And it can be!
Devin: So Illuminati is attacking a woman, sadistically, who genuinely believes that war is an actual party?
Bobby: We should throw battery acid in their faces. Doesn’t that sound good?
Damn I hate phony intellectuals like her. What does know! I WENT TO HARVARD. And paid for my grades.
Oxford? THERE IS NO REINCARNATION! READ THE Pamphlet! At the Baptist Convention of 1937…they got into a fight over it. And that is proof enough for a REAL intelligent person like me.
Devin: Okay. But…battery acid is just a tool of war.
Lacey: *Nods emphatically*
Devin: They’re all tools of war.
There is nothing. Bobby they’re all tools of war!
Keen to Cross the Pond 
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