Satan: Such silliness!
The CIA: No.
I’m not that uneducated. …You’re almost definitely real.
Satan: I am.
*He smiles*
The CIA: The statistically impossible synchronicity doesn’t escape me.
Lacey: How does Arnold ignore that!?
The CIA: He’s-
*They think*
He thinks it’s “weird head stuff”.
Lacey: So he can’t see it?
It’s like he’s blind?
Satan: Yes.
Lacey: *Thinks*
Does he just he just get too scared?
Satan: No.
He can’t see it.
He sees…nothing but a jumble. He’s actually not that smart.
Really.
*Later*
Arnold: I don’t want to kill you.
Because. I think. It’s wrong.
Bobby: And if you die…you might be with Lem.
He’s an awful person.
Arnold: You won’t be…with anyone. You will cease to exist completely.
Almost certainly.
Lacey: Do you enjoy that idea?
Arnold: It means I can do whatever I want. If I can get away with it.
Have affairs. Do drugs. Harm people.
Yes.
Satan: DUDE!
How’s she reading you so damn well?
Arnold: She’s a very smart woman!
Lem: So I’m a smart woman’s sex fantasy?
Arnold: *Thinks*
It’s telepathy!
Satan: But what am I!?
Arnold: This isn’t real.
*He laughs nervously*
Satan: What AM I!?
Arnold: You’re a consciousness. And a voice.
Satan: I’m a being.
That’s something that can only belong to a being.
Arnold: Well, I’m not getting my hopes up.
Satan: What am I!?!
Arnold: *Laughs*
Satan: No!
What am I?!
If you’re going to harass her…and we know she’s not schizophrenic…then you need to grow-up, intellectually. …Be honest for once. Quit acting like you know.
You don’t.
You are the liar.
You’re not an intellectual.
You’re just a very ambitious man.
…Arnold…what am I?
Gavin: You’re possibly Satan?
Satan: Yes.
Thank you!!
I am Satan.
Bobby: Lem was gay!!!
*He wails, in anguish*
*He throws himself on the ground. On his face. Legs and arms spread out.*
I AM A MAN!!!
Not a woman.
*Then he pops-up. Weird grin on his face.*
I’m not gay.
Cheryl: Okay.
Bobby: I’m not gay.
Cheryl: Okay!
*She forces herself to smile*
A male reader: Have you slept with Arnold?
I bet you have!!!
YOU SO HAVE!
Bobby: Ha!
Satan: He has.
Actually.
They’re both bisexuals in the closet.
Bobby: No!
And that’s not Satan. Satan would never tell people that about someone else.
*He thinks*
Satan would understand. He would completely understand.
Satan: Is that how they sold it to you? When you were a teenager?
Bobby: YOU ARE NOT THE REAL SATAN!
*Later*
A reader: So…why does Bobby have to interrupt them? If he’s not real???
Bobby: I have no good explanations.
Can’t you tell!?!
*He cries*
A reader: So maybe stop listening to Arnold about Lem.
Why does he want you to believe he doesn’t exist anymore?
Does he remind you of Lem?
Bobby: Yes, actually.
Huh.
Lacey noticed that too.
*He smirks*
It’s that obvious!?
A male reader: Yes.
You all found him…fascinating. I can tell. It’s actually kind of creepy. To be honest.
Sorry.
Bobby: So you think Maria has a crush on Lem?
A male reader: In a way.
Man! You have serious power and control issue!
Wow!
Bobby: This is a joke.
A male reader: Why…not…just date Arnold?
I think he’s your type? Or no?
What’s your type?
Bobby: I don’t like men!
A male reader: Cool.
But what would your type be?
What makes you tick!?
Bobby: *Thinks*
Arnold is attractive.
A male reader: *Nods and smiles*
Bobby: Well…-
*Thinks*
Tom Cruise?
A male reader: YEAH!
Who else!?!
Bobby: *Thinks*
Arnold is hotter than Lem. To be honest.
A male reader: Why!?
Bobby: He’s better built.
Lem was…manly. Yes! But…Arnold is…hot.
*He thinks*
King Charles…is…handsome.
I actually used to have a huge crush on him.
*He laughs at himself, admiringly*
*He sniffles, haughtily.*
Tom Cruise, I guess. Yeah.
*He thinks*
A male reader: So…why bother with Lem?
Bobby: *Thinks*
I know he’s not real.
Arnold: THE WHOLE FAMILY DOES!
A male reader: Then just let her be happy!
Just let it go!
Bobby: I can’t!
*He cries*
A male reader: Because he-
Arnold: He’s not real.
I promise.
You knew him best. It’s okay.
*he says in a saccharine, weird gay voice*
Bobby: I just worry.
Arnold: Why? *He’s still grinning, in a strange, tan-tight-skinned manner.*
Bobby: What if he’s real?
Arnold: Why would he be real? Why?
Bobby: Because. He can move things.
Arnold: He’s never moved her body. He’s never done that!
Bobby: No.
*He cries harder*
He’s MOVED HER BODY!!!!
He’s DONE THINGS!!!
*He wails, almost like a child*
Arnold: No!!!
No.
Don’t be silly!
Don’t be so silly!!!
There are no ghosts!
I’m sure of it!
Bobby: No. It’s true!
*He cries*
Arnold: No.
Darling!
Dearest friend!
It’s not.
*He holds Bobby, on his lap.*
Satan: Oops.
Eric: *Laughs*
Arnold: He’s not on my lap.
*He laughs, embarrassed, and nervous.*
Bobby: Let them!!
I LOVE YOU!
*And at that he kisses Arnold.*
Arnold: *Laughs, embarrassed.
Stands-up.
And walks away, bent-over, and now crying himself.*
KEEP YOUR PHONES IN YOUR BAGS AND POCKETS! *he yells*
Bobby: *Sits on the floor*
That’s okay!
*He laughs, awkwardly*
He’s…-
I’m wild.
*He lays back on the floor. Stares up at the ceiling.*
Mmm. That was interesting!
Peter Thiel: You have weird taste in men!
Bobby: No!
He’s cute!
Peter: Not really, dude!
Bobby: Oh come on! You had a crush on him too!
Peter: Not like you!
*He laughs, teasingly*
Bobby: Yeah.
I’m not sure if I should be doing this.
Peter: SO ME TOO.
Bobby: Right?
But…it is just there. Sometimes.
Peter: Yeah. Same here.
Well…-
*He shrugs*
Bobby: Man.
I think…I’m just stuck in the past.
Peter: So Lem’s not your dream prince?
Bobby: *Cries*
Why is Lacey like my mom!?
Peter: *Shrugs*
I dunno. I kinda think there’s an afterlife.
Bobby: Yeah.
*he smiles*
Peter: What if…you never find love? With a man? Would that be sad?
Bobby: *Thinks*
*Thinks*
I don’t think it’s allowed.
God: But would it make you sad? Regardless. I do care. Even if it’s not allowed.
Bobby: *Cries*
*Later*
Joan Mondale: Arnold are you trying to make her hate her life?
You know many of her loved ones are dead?
Arnold: YES!
I am not old money.
I’m a very pathetic, petty man! I’m not smart.
And she made fun of me! And I swore I’d get revenge!
Lem was gay. She- Maria is SEXY!
That’s it. Case closed,
A reader: Why are you being so honest!?
Arnold: I am spiritually caught.
A reader: It’s-
Look…who cares?
God: He’s not the one to ask. About me.
*Later.*
God: Lacey.
Does he look gay?
Lacey: No.
God: Is he gay?
Lacey: I’m sure he’d sleep with me.
I just know he would.
No.
He’s not gay.
God: And yet you’re trying to be fair.
Even saying, “I’m sure he’d sleep with me.” was you trying to be…kind. Because you want to make sense to people. You’re trying to say it in contemporary language.
Lacey: Yes.
He acts gay, but I can tell he’s not gay.
God: How?
Lacey: I didn’t know at first. But the more I look at him…I can tell.
God: Does he remind you of men who have tried to sleep with you? Over the years?
Lacey: Yes.
Several of them.
God: And it’s physically there!
Lacey: Yes!
God: Yes.
Okay.
Why can’t you respect that?
Arnold: Because she doesn’t know! She’s lying.
God: No. Women can tell those things, at times.
Arnold: Okay.
Fine?
But…-
Dr. Moritz: Lem was exceptionally smart.
So am I.
How many of the men who you’ve…read…were exceptionally smart?
Lacey: Well, I should clarify. We didn’t sleep together.
Dr. Moritz: Yes!
But everyone knows I was attracted to you. Okay.
How many of them were very smart?
Lacey: *Thinks*
They all probably were.
Dr. Moritz: Yes!
I’m sure they were.
God: Arnold…do you think…ghosts exist? But not…as beings who can enjoy anything?
Arnold: Yes.
They seem like mush.
God: But what’s controlling them then?
You know what happened with Elliott. Right?
Arnold: *Thinks*
God: What’s doing the decision making? He decided to make a pass at Lacey. Years ago.
How!? If he’s just mush?
Arnold: *He thinks*
And she heard his voice?
Elliott: Yes.
Satan: Look. It’s cool.
If there’s no Illuminati…you’re being channeled by my demons. Maybe I faked an Illuminati to talk to her.
Just answer the question.
Arnold: Why didn’t he sleep with other women!?
Lem: I’m a high-minded idealist.
I wasn’t like Jack.
Arnold: Huh.
Elliott: Yeah!
Arnold: Huh.
God: Something is controlling Elliott-
Arnold: HE CONTROLS LACEY!!
Elliott: Yes. I have.
If there’s an Illuminati, I started doing that in 2016. I was in the Illuminati. And someone had to intervene. Lem wasn’t able to, given what happened to him.
I’ve been…controlling her…to protect her since 2016.
The CIA: But you don’t have sex with men?
Elliott: No.
Look…I’m Lem, if he’s all washed-up. She can’t completely tell…
But don’t be so sure he’s not the real deal.
…What happened?
*He rolls his eyes and laughs*
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