The Illuminati: Did you know that Lucy and Ethel were actually sort of in a relationship? It wasn’t really anything much, but they kind of had a weird sexual tension that was lesbian. And in the show it just sort of doesn’t really amount anything because they’re mostly straight and they actually just decide to be friends. In the show, as it is written, they kind of just end up being friends. And actually, Lucy develops other friendships with other women when they move and Ethel I think probably moves on eventually too and develop other friendships and they just never do anything other than just be friends.
It’s just kind of a relationship that never really takes off. but it is because she loves Ricky so much and because Fred is somehow able to capture Ethel‘s heart and some way that is probably very complicated. 
We just told Lacey that outside of this blog and she’s extremely overwhelmed, but it’s not because she’s a lesbian in anyway it’s just extremely disturbing to her. And to be honest with you, we can’t figure out why.
Lacey: I don’t know either.
I think it makes me mad. Because I thought the oven could just be that close. I didn’t realize that wasn’t possible unless if they’re in love?? 
God: No! They can be!
Lacey: I know that, but at the same time it’s like I’m trying to process this and it’s extremely disturbing. I think it’s just really hard. I don’t understand how that’s not a betrayal of my trust.
I don’t appreciate people sneaking things in like that. And I have a feeling that the actresses themselves probably felt something for each other. And I do not appreciate being lied to.
The Illuminati: We forced Lucille Ball to help us assassinate JFK. I’ve been told by someone in the CIA. Because people found out about their relationship and they felt the same way back then Lacey.
They felt that it was bizarre the way that they chose to pretend and fool people. And it was part of the reason both those marriages broke-up. They didn’t want us to know that though because it didn’t last and it wasn’t something that they were happy about. They didn’t feel as pretty as other women and it was really painful for them because they just felt like they were really ugly together. And they tried to make it work on the Lucy show. Lucy was brilliant and daring and smart and Ethel was not a stupid woman completely.
But they really just couldn’t handle the thought of being together because they just felt ugly. They just felt too ugly.
A lesbian: I don’t like that, that can’t be what it is.
The Illuminati: Why?
A lesbian: Because women aren’t that weak or that stupid ever. And there’s no way that two women would ever say to themselves, “I’m ugly and so are you we can’t be together.”.
The Illuminati: No, it actually isn’t that shallow.
A lesbian: I don’t think so.
The Illuminati: No, back, then with the views women had of themselves that were not unhealthy, but just different and with the views that people had of themselves in general that may have been somewhat unhealthy, it really was possible. They really wanted to be seen as beautiful. They had a hit television show, arguably one of the most important television shows ever made. And they were both seen as sort of…mousy. And they tried to make light of it. They tried to make it seem silly. But compared to women like Lacey or Faye Emerson to name two they both are not as attractive. And it isn’t like they’re not beautiful women, both of them. But they were living a very different life than the life. Lacey would’ve lived or Faye actually lived.
Lacey did not live that life and so she has an enormous amount of empathy for them, but Faye did and Lacey can imagine what she would have lived and so she has a lot of perspective and I think you’re very upsetting to her right now.
A lesbian: *Thinks*
I don’t get it.
Lacey: Okay.
*Takes a breath.*
So remember- How old are you?
A lesbian: 50.
Lacey: Remember how when we were little kids practically the Earth felt different?
A lesbian: Maybe.
Lacey: It a lot cooler in the summer, and there was an actual spring, and there was an actual fall.
A lesbian: Yes.
Lacey: So… Lucy and Ethel were filming a television show together. Vivian Vance, of course, and Lucille Ball. And it was work and they were hot under those lights and they got sweaty and they were stinky and they were tired and breathless, and I’m sure that William Fraley smelled like smoke. But they had that time together. And it was, if they were really in love in some way or experienced that, really nice for them. Because they were together and that time and they were able to be there and look at each other and talk to each other and interact. And it wasn’t probably all that romantic or sexual because it was work. And maybe something happened but still work, they had to go back to work.
All right, but in the cool evenings of June, Emerson would go off the job take a bath, close her beautiful eyes and rest. And it smelled different. And she would just sit there in her bathtub and totally relax and smell the flowers outside and then she would get out of her tub put on some gorgeous gown spray herself with some delightful perfume get in her car and drive to a really cool club. And she would sit there at the club with her gorgeous chest, hanging open to the air probably covered with some sort of light blue crêpe. And she would down martini and she’d feel awesome.
And then there would be the sound of jazz in the background. Good live jazz. Think about the jazz musicians that were still alive back then and performing. And so she would sit there and she would listen to this really really rarified good jazz. And she get a little tipsy and she would smell good and she would feel like 1 million bucks.
And then in about half an hour Elliot or some other really handsome man would show up and they would just slowly but surely screw each other for hours. These were very fertile people. I know to them foreplay was sitting and getting drunk and staring into each other‘s eyes over smoke, and the smell of fresh gardenias. And the cool summer night.
It was hot as heck. I’m sure for both of them.
No, they would sit there for probably two hours just…stewing in each other‘s glory will say.
And then they would move off and go to the bedroom.
Lucy and Ethel married handsome men. But Ricky was bisexual and unfaithful, and he wasn’t as tall as Elliott. I would be shocked if he was as good in bed. And also they had of each other. It was just work. Maybe they made out in a literal closet-
*Lacey laughs*
And as exciting as closets can possibly be… I cannot imagine that it was quite as nice as what Faye was experiencing. And so yeah I mean that’s pretty awful isn’t it?
And I think the thing is Faye was seen as gorgeous. It’s hard to explain this to you, but I get it. Faye was seen as…gorgeous. And… I think they were honest about what they looked like. And speaking from the perspective of a woman who has a brain like that… I think they thought…”If I was prettier?  First of all, would I even be a lesbian? But second of all, and more importantly, would I be able to be allowed… to be with this person openly? Or would I be able to be with them somehow? It’s like am I being punished for being ugly or just somehow would everything be so much better if I was just better looking?” And I think being in show business and being hyper criticized their entire adult life for how they looked… they just internalized that sense of shame and embarrassment. And they thought, “You know what? These people are right who think I’m worthless. And I am a tough business woman I’m shrewd and I can handle the fact that Ricky isn’t faithful and Philip hits me because I’m obnoxious.  I bring it on myself by eating too much or staying out too late and looking haggard. Maybe if I weighed less or if I slept better at night, I would be a better person.  But I can’t stand to be with someone else, who’s just as screwed-up as me.” 
A lesbian: I don’t wanna hear how brilliant and loving you are because you remind me of the women from that generation and I’m not intellectually competent enough to handle it.
Lacey: What scares you about that it’s just genetics-
A lesbian: I know. *She interrupts*
Lacey: *looks stunned*
*waits*
A lesbian: It’s I cannot process the thought that you’re so much like them because it makes me feel unsafe.
*She laughs*
I hate you. And you don’t deserve it and I’m never gonna tell you and I’m never going to explain it and that’ll be my personal privilege for the rest of my life!
The CIA: That’s not psychologically possible. Do you feel like she’s done something to you?
A lesbian: No. It’s a secret. It’s nothing she’s done and I’m never going to explain.
The CIA: OK then it’s gonna come out somehow in some dysfunctional way.
A lesbian: I like going to Target. I like smoking pot. I like collecting Jansport backpacks. Ahh-
That to me is stylish. And I will say this much: I’m better than her.  And that’s why I hate her. 
In the court of public opinion, she always wins, but I know that in reality I’m massively superior aesthetically. And Casi is obviously the same kind of person. You don’t understand how much better we are, how cool we are compared to her and that’s pathetic for all of you. I cannot be wrong. It is 100% impossible-
*she falls apart crying, having a nervous breakdown*
The CIA: You are wrong. Your aesthetic is actually not as appealing psychologically because it is inferior.
A lesbian: So I can’t just be honest with you?
I hate her because she’s a problem for me in my path the glory. She stood in the way between me fully recognizing my superior greatness in that moment.
The CIA: That’s insane.
A lesbian: OK but that’s what I’ve been thinking for 10 years and so has Casi. Guaranteed.
Lacey: So you just don’t think that you’re annoying and repulsive because you are and you’re stupid as fuck like you kind of just aesthetically retarded and you can’t see it and then you have a personality disorder. But on the plus side, you’re a lesbian so if that’s not insanity and some people think it is, but I’m not saying that not that you give a shit about anything I say necessarily in that way, but you could actually have a valid aesthetic that maybe in some ways is equal to mine, but it’s not superior.
Jack: Japanese culture is not as glamorous as American culture. They lie about that everyone lies about that. Asia is not as beautiful as Europe neither is Africa. And Asian women aren’t as beautiful as the most beautiful white women. Or at least they haven’t been because white culture was superior and that’s just science. It’s survival of the fittest and they have not been the fittest. Maybe that will change in the future, but at the moment or up until recently white women really were better looking.
And that was why I hated Lacey and I thought I could steal them because I wanted to insist that Japanese culture was superior to American culture. I wanted to insist that Japanese culture was superior to all of Europe. And I knew that that wasn’t right, but I thought that somehow I could make a different.
Have there been people other than Ninko who were very handsome maybe so? Maybe Japan was just as good looking a long time ago? But while I was alive, it wasn’t. And that was part of what really drove me to attack them was how beautiful she was and how beautiful a lot of white women were in Great Britain at the time. Lem was handsome, but she was better looking even back then, and it made me want to destroy her on behalf of my mother and all my people.
A lesbian: I just think that the backpack is so underrated. I don’t care about Japanese culture Jack. And I would like to correct your mistake. Nefertiti, who is one of the most beautiful women to ever live. And she was in Africa.
That’s not where we are right now.
And I believe that the backpack is the way of the future and the past that never was.
A gay man: I’m envisioning Nefertiti wearing a backpack.
A lesbian: Yeah?
I don’t know what that would look like.
A gay man: I do.
A lesbian: *Stares at him*
