Michelle Obama grew-up in a “poor neighborhood” but had rich parents, on a sociological scale.
Listen to “The Marriage of Figaro” Overture by Mozart.
“I bought the strawberry shortcake lipgloss.” says Michelle Obama. “I saw a documentary on PBS about how black youth do not usually graduate from the eighth grade. And I sat there and I thought to myself, ‘My jeans are too tight. I don’t like how they look in my butt because we’re poor.’ And I was determined after that moment to never be poor again.
It was embarrassing, growing-up poor. All the really beautiful girls with Louis Vuitton bags looked down upon me with great disdain. And I had to rise above.
My parents came from a strong Christian black family background. We went to church. And I drank one glass of cold milk and had a peanut butter sandwich and studied all of my favorite topics at school beyond proficiency.
Because I was determined to prove to those bitches, that I am definitely not a loser.
I met my husband Barack Obama at Harvard. He is another black just like me who rose above.” says Michelle.
“I have mitochondrial DNA from my mother, who is white, and my father is a wealthy black man from Africa. My father and I, tricked my mother who is poor, into creating me.” jokes Barack.
Michelle laughs, in love, with him.
“You know, Michelle, your husband seems kind of gay.” says a righteously angry white woman from the lower-middle class, who’s also backwards and racist.
“He is not gay!!!” insists Michelle from Chicago who prefers the Strawberry Shortcake to the Blueberry lipgloss.
Listen to “Brandenburg Concerto No In G Major” by Bach.
“Oh yeah Michelle, what’s your proof?” says the frazzled white woman, who’s hurt. Michelle who’s Black isn’t supposed to exist. It’s heartbreaking.
“My proof is in my body.” says Michelle.
Barack, bisexual and from an elite African family, looked…aroused (to be honest)…and…worried, both. He’s actually a really nice guy like a really big sweetheart, but he pretends to be “bad” by doing drugs. He knows better, he knows better…but he’s trying desperately to prove himself. He’s insecure about being bisexual and skinny like JFK, but he’s also a really nice boy. Like, he’s one of those really nice boys who held the door open for their mother and got all their homework done and everyone was just like, “He is such a nice kid.” And so he snorted coke and smoked pot and stayed up all night being bad to get clout. In truth, they’re both annoying, pretentious, jackasses who take themselves way too seriously. Somewhat sheltered, possibly somewhat spoiled, upper-middle class brats. And they seem approachable and lowly because they’re black, mostly. But truthfully, Michelle is that perfect girl in school who had the perfect hair with the perfect lips and the perfect teeth because she brushed singing a song at night to make sure that her teeth were clean and neat and pretty looking. She sets her eraser to the left of her homework, because it helps her concentrate better, she swears you guys.
Anyway, let’s get back to Michelle‘s explanation of why she’s so sure Barack is not gay and we should be too. Did you guys ever think it was weird how, in your head, his name is Barack and he’s black. And he has a white mom? …Like did this woman think to herself, “My son‘s black! I’ll name him Barack. Barack…the little black man.” People can sometimes have weird ideas about things in their head with letters and racist ideas…and I’m not convinced his white American mother wasn’t just a tiny bit racist. I think the letter R seems like a black letter to some people for a name. And so does the letter S.
“I already told you guys! The proof is in my body.” said Michelle.
“It’s in your body Michelle!??” said a desperate poor (or once poor) white person, in America. “Hey…you guys! It’s a woman with a dick!”
“A woman with a dick? Hey…that’s funny!!” said someone white and angry, way back in 1996? or 1998?
“This never happened! My good friends and in the-
I not know!
*She laughs and then stops herself*
No, I’m not saying the Illuminati.
My good friends who I have spoke with several times on several different occasions…were definitely-
I mean they were not-
They really weren’t in the Illuminati. I’m absolutely positive that was not…what happened. …This conversation didn’t happen. She’s making it up.” says Michelle, to cover for her real friends.
“Michelle, did you start posing in really pretty dresses and carrying more Louis Vuitton bags to try to ‘explain’ that you didn’t have a dick?” says a female journalist.
“I am hurt by that suggestion, Jennifer.” says Michelle.
“OK but that’s what you did, because you thought that that would convince us that you didn’t have a dick.” says Jennifer. “Michelle, I don’t think anyone really thinks you have one.”
“No they do! I swear! I have talked to these people and they are so convinced!” says Michelle.
Jim: So you really never had one?
“No Jim, I did not!” says Michelle, so angry.
Jim: Did you actually say those exact words, Michelle in response to someone?
“Whether I did or did not, is not a matter for public disclosure. That is something-“ she says.
Jim: I think I know what you were trying to say. And honestly sweetie, I think you offended people in different ways with what you were saying.
“I am a sexually liberated woman of the world.” she says, helplessly honest. It’s the Illuminati.
Jim: Or do you feel embarrassed by the topic and so you’re overcompensating by saying that you have a very sexual body?
“You know, honestly, that probably is what happened OK?” says Michelle.
A reader: *Laughs*
So you’re privileged and you’re black and you pissed off a lot of people and they started questioning you because they were mad that a bisexual asshole was so in love with you and so they started questioning you about why you were happy in your marriage and you started saying that you had a really sexual body? 
“I don’t know. You figure it out!” says Michelle.
*Later.*
Lacey’s neighbor: Would Michelle be my friend?
Lacey: No.
…When she was in high school? Mmm…maybe? But now? No way.
A reader: So…he’s bisexual…
Elliott: *Laughs with Lacey and nods affirmatively*
Lacey: Everyone compared Barack Obama to JFK, because he’s the idealized version of him. …I’m sorry, but-
Another reader: Wait. No. They picked him…BECAUSE he’s their idealized version of JFK.
Jack Schlossberg: Duh.
“My grandpa is my hero.” *he says, mocking himself*
I’m a loser…
*He cries*
A Millennial woman: So you’re gay?
Jack Schlossberg: YES!
Somewhat?
DUH!!!!!!
DUH!!!!!!
*He rolls his eyes and cries*
Prince William: So am I.
Lacey: He’s bisexual.
Prince William: No. I’m gay…
*He winks at Lacey*
Lacey: What’s Kate going to say?
Prince William: I’m curious to see what she’s going so say…-
*Later*
Lacey: He’s bisexual.
Do you understand the concept?
Casi: Is Lacey…like Michelle?
Lacey: And Ally Sheedy? No. …I wish I was, in a way. I love that…look.
But…no.
*she smiles*
*Later*
An American: I do understand what a bisexual is…
Lacey: Do you?
An American: Yes!
Lacey: Then why is Barack so confusing?
An American: Okay. Fine!!!
I don’t.
Are you happy!?!?
Lacey: *smiles*
Yes…
*Smiles*
What don’t you understand?
