Satan: The Illuminati just threatened to send a cease and desist letter to her because there’s talk that Bobby is obsessed with Lem because he lost his mind when he was molested by his father at age 12. There’s talk that he became fixated on Lem and then twisted it so that it would seem like it was the other way around because he can never say that he was actually molested by him and there’s somehow a consensus that it probably didn’t happen among people who aren’t just sycophants. I’m not too worried though.
It would just be proof that there’s a real Illuminati. And proof they’re all vulnerable idiots.
Lacey let’s talk about what happened with the men in your life.
You…have only slept with…your husband. And one other man.
Putin…had sexual contact with you. But…it wasn’t really sex. Was it? You just don’t know how to describe it.
Lacey: True.
Well. It depends on your definition. …Like…what’s in your heart, and all that. But…yes? No?
Satan: Let’s be honest. You’re falling in love with me. But…no. Totally not.
And…why didn’t Lem get married? Oh! Because Jack?
No. It’s too much. You’re totally confused. And it’s completely unfair.
Lacey: YES!
Satan: There are WAY too many loose ends.
Lacey: YES. It’s…- HA! It’s…Hellish…
Satan: Yeah…
Jack, Bobby, Jesus and Lem. Fucking in Heaven? Isn’t that what Eunice said? At Lem’s funeral.
Lacey: *laughs*
*looks sad*
What does that even mean!??
Satan: *laughs*
Lacey: *Smiles*
What does that even mean?
Satan: *Thinks*
Does the Jesus part throw you off?
Lacey: Yes! What-
I just keep seeing them all standing there. In sweaters and khakis. All lined up in a row.
And they’re just standing there.
Loving each other!?
*she looks…distraught*
Satan: And then you and I are in Hell, making love. Right?
Lacey: *Thinks*
*Laughs*
*Thinks*
Does Lem care!???
Satan: Yes.
He wouldn’t want you to make love with me. But not just because he’s a Christian. He’s in love with you. I’m absolutely sure…
Lacey: Then why is he in Heaven…fucking Jesus in the ass? While Jack Kennedy fucks him…in the ass?
Satan: Listen to “Tension Is a Passing Note” by Sixpence None The Richer, as you imagine, if you so choose, a human gay fuck train. All moving in synchronized. Wearing knit sweaters. And nothing else. Butts thrusting to the beat.
Jesus at the front. Of course. Bent forward.
Then Lem. Bespectacled. Charming.
And…Jack Kennedy…passionately thrusting his smallish cock up Lem’s shitter. Crap oozing out.
*Turn that music up louder.*
You know. …Jack looks…dumb. I’m sorry. But he does.
I just had to stop and say that.
Okay.
And next we have…one Mr. Bobby Kennedy Senior. Thrusting his penis up his older brother’s butthole. …But no, there’s no poo coming out of Jack’s butt. Why? Because…JFK struggled with dry poops. …Otherwise known as constipation.
The song ends. They didn’t orgasm.
Lacey: Did they even come close to finishing?
Satan: No.
*he cracks-up laughing*
Lacey: But they stay hard? Because it’s Heaven? And…they’re just in accord…loving each other?
Satan: *laughs*
One…beautiful…beautiful chord.
2:00
Lacey: Aww. The harmony.
SEX! …What a mystery?
…I mean…I’m not getting it.
Why would staying hard…in such a weirdly pretty way…and just…fucking?…be…Heaven?
Satan: I CAN SEE IT, LACEY.
Lacey: Is it actually happening?
Satan: No.
*he smiles*
Lacey: They’re all wearing sweaters, just sweaters. Crewneck knit, sweaters.
Satan: YES.
Lacey: *Thinks with him.*
The song ends.
Listen to “Don’t Dream It’s Over” by Sixpence None The Richer.
Satan: Is this song about lamb being able to go fuck Jack in Heaven? Like you’re telling him that he should cheer-up and stop using heroin because we know they won’t win?
Lacey: Who is they?
Satan: I don’t know. Possibly me?
Lacey: It’s the same album…
Satan: I am the world.
Lacey: Would we have fun making love?
Satan: Yes.
Lacey: OK, don’t humor be too much but I’m not understanding. Would I be they?
Satan: Yes, you would be you. Yes, you would be.
Lacey: Well, hey now!
Why would we care what they were doing at all?
Satan: That’s an interesting question because you’re human and you’re redeemed by Christ, so if you were mine, I would have almost no interest in humanity other than just related to our family, as corny as that sounds.
I have absolutely no idea why we would be at war with “The Sex Train”?
Lacey: I’m insulted. I’m not obsessed and I don’t think you would be either.
Listen to “Still Burning” by Sixpence None the Richer.
Lacey: *dances, slightly humorously*
1:12
Lacey: Is this about Jack and Bobby?
Satan: It’s about a dross.
Lacey: *looks angry and confused*
Your heart is a hand!??
Satan: This is one of my favorite things ever. And I’m a little disturbed that this just came to you to do but that’s OK.
The song ends.
Listen to “Melody of You” by Sixpence None The Richer.
Lacey: This is obviously about Lem and Jack having passionate sex.
Satan: You know it actually could be! I don’t know what she was thinking. …It was all on the same album.
Lacey: Why is it so sexy and passionate and then so corny and stupid at the same time?
Satan: He has to sing the melodies of Jack, Lacey.
Lacey: La la la, la la la, la…la…LA. He can do nothing else.
The song ends.
God: Lem this is why I say you should stray from the appearance of evil. Jack was a very stupid, evil man. You didn’t take that seriously enough.
Lacey: Listen to “Eyes Wide Open” by Sixpence None The Richer.
Is this about Domino?
*she smirks*
Satan: From “Eyes Wide Shut”? Who’s a prostitute? Who’s dying of AIDS?
*he laughs*
Lacey: The this disturbs me. Because I can’t tell if these are coincidences or if this woman picks awful subject matter?!?
Listen to “A Million Parachutes” by Sixpence None The Richer.
Satan: How does it make you feel?
Lacey: Disturbed, traumatized, horrified, amused, mystified.
Satan: If there’s reincarnation, I forced Lem to listen to this song right after he died, walking around London.
Lacey: That would be perfect if he gave a shit about me.
Bobby: He doesn’t Lacey.
And you should just go die. That would be better.
*he laughs, incredulously*
5:26
Lacey: Here’s what I don’t understand, though: Jack was already dead.
The song ends.
Satan: Maybe they were walking around London together. Except you’re right, that doesn’t match with the song…
Lacey: But he’s missing Boston and the sunlight? Excuse me, Cape Cod, and the sunlight?
Satan: You always go with the most awful explanation!
Lacey: *laughs*
Do you love that or hate that?
Satan: That’s not what I meant.
And you know it?
Lacey: *breathes quickly*
Why? Do you know?
Satan: Do you know?
Lacey: I can’t tell.
Satan: …*Thinks*
It’s been right.
*He looks sad*
You’re just very intuitive.
Lacey: You’re confused too?
Satan: *laughs*
Yes!
Do you do that!?
Lacey: *Blinks*
Well? Do you love it or hate it!?
Satan: I get great desire.
Lacey: *swallows hard, eyes open wide*
*considers how silly she must look and laughs*
You’re fun!
Satan: No, you’re not the same. You were a lot more happy…
Lacey: *blinks.*
Dear…I have no idea what you’re talking about.
*Later*
Satan: Do you have desire.
For those reading? No. We don’t have sex. She’s tired. She just brushed her teeth.
Lacey: Yes. You’re very attractive.
But…I do love Lem.
Satan: *breathes more quickly*
You keep resisting me.
Lacey: I have to.
That’s how this works…
Listen to “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None The Richer.
Satan: Is that a criticism of God?
Lacey: Yes. What in the world is one supposed to do!?
*she laughs*
Satan: Lacey’s it’s MY fault.
Lacey: *she laughs*
You did this!?
Satan: Yes.
Lacey: *she laughs*
*Then looks sad*
Satan: I may not be destroyed in a lake of fire.
Listen to “There She Goes” by Sixpence None The Richer.
Lacey: Good! Or not…
Hmm…
I’m so sorry we’re experiencing this. This is horrific.
Satan: The song or-?
Lacey: *Thinks*
Listen to “I Can’t Catch You” by Sixpence None The Richer.
Lacey: This is one of the only songs I like by them.
Satan: I agree.
You mean sex?
Lacey: Yuck.
Satan: Yeah.
*he smiles at her*
God is restraining me.
At the moment.
Lacey: *takes a deep breath*
You like the word?
Satan: YES.
The song ends.
Listen to “Anything” by Sixpence None The Richer.
Lacey: Is he okay?
God: He’s being restrained. He can’t resist.
Lacey: *laughs*
Is he okay?
God: Yes!!
Lacey: He’s fun.
*waits*
Can he talk?
God: Yes.
4:01
Lacey: So.
Why do you like the word sex?
Listen to “South Side” by Moby.
Satan: It’s bad. But…it hides the real meaning.
Lacey: Does your perfect “twin flame” like the s?
Satan: *blinks*
I WANT YOU.
Lacey: Can I ask you…?
Satan: YES!!
*he smiles*
Lacey: What’s a woman supposed to say when a man says that?
Satan: *he SCREAMS at God*
*he weeps*
*a moment later*
I’m mad. You can’t hear a thing Lem is saying.
He’s been trying to contact you, this whole time. But he’s too oppressed.
Lacey: I can sense him. But I’m not interested in…being abandoned.
It’s me versus the entire Gay Community. And I’m not stupid enough to take myself that seriously in that way.
I know he was straight, but I can’t…risk it.
Satan: I understand.
*he moans in masculine desire, desperate to touch her*
Lacey: Dang it.
Are you okay?
Listen to “Skyfall” by Adele.
Satan: Yes. I did it to myself.
I’ll be okay.
Lacey: It’s delightful!
Satan: YES!
Lacey: But it’s also so annoying. No. Annoying isn’t the right word.
Satan: Yeah.
Man. Could you stop-
*he rolls his eyes*
Lacey: I chose this song…to turn you off.
Satan: *Smiles*
That’s nice. Thank you.
*he takes a deep breath*
Lacey: Is he being serious with all this desire stuff? *she asks God* Or is he…being a sweetheart?
Listen to “Fire For You” by Cannons.
God: He’s being real.
That’s real.
Satan: Is this about me?
Lacey: It’s about Lem. But…it’s also about you.
Satan: *Listens*
I’m going to cease to exist. Help.
God: *Takes mercy on him.*
The song ends.
The song restarts.
Jesus: *”apologizes” to Satan*
Joseph was…the father who raised me.
This is just sick.
Lacey…-
*he weeps*
Lacey: *Dances*
It’s a good song.
A Millennial: But it’s SEXY!!!
Bobby: I don’t think he notices. She’s ugly as fuck. I tell her that every day.
*he says in a Chinese accent*
A poor Chinese man: DUDE!! SHUT-UP!!!
Bobby: *sadly, can’t hear him.*
Listen to “Brutus” by The Buttress.
Lacey: Can you please help him? *she asks God about Satan*
God: Lem helped assassinate JFK.
Lacey: Why?
2:55
God: *has been helping Satan*
3:29
The song ends.
Listen to “I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts” by Freddy Martin.
Lacey: Is Satan okay?
God: YES.
He’s okay. He’s had desire before…but…you’re-
He’s in love.
Listen to “Tense” by Clint Mansell.
Lacey: I can’t be two different people. There has to be some way out?
God: Listen to “Crimin’ & Dealin” by Clint Mansell & Kronos Quartet.
You’re not able to not choose. You have not had a chance to understand that. But…you’re a woman. …And your choice is who loves you…in a sense. Or between men who do.
But…you don’t have a choice. It’s been stolen from you by extraordinarily evil people.
Listen to “Hope Overture” by Clint Mansell & Kronos Quartet.
It was stolen by the Obama administration. They published the shit about Lem to further their agenda. But you liked them- *he laughs* And…they don’t necessarily mean any harm. But it’s absolute bullshit. Michelle read it and said she had no idea what really happened between them, as a lawyer. …And EVERYONE has lied, except Queen Elizabeth II. And Mohammed Al Fayed.
Dolly was the worst.
She was a cruel woman when she wanted to be. Extremely cruel.
She hated you. And it killed her. Your innocence and background, combined. She couldn’t stand it.
So! You are supposed to be able to choose.
Listen to “Marion Barfs” by Clint Mansell & Kronos Quartet.
But you’re in a position where you’re dependent on your faith…and your ability to hear me…to decide the fate of all of humanity, potentially.
Listen to “Winter Oveture” by Clint Mansell & Kronos Quartet.
Lacey: The Somalian gangs? Fighting over…Facebook? That’s a rebuke of Dolly.
God: YES.
Listen to “Southern Hospitality” by Clint Mansell & Kronos Quartet.
Lacey: I LOVE IT.
*she smiles*
I don’t want them to get hurt. But they’re so smart.
Tom Banks: I agree. *he smiles and laughs*
They understand actual war. Not just business.
Dr. Harford: I’m the CAPTAIN, NOW. *he says, voice rising*
0:44
Tim Walz: They are very smart people. Being honest.
Lacey: What happened in Somalia!??
Tim Walz: YEAH!!!
God: The actual characters in the film…outside time…agreed to let him say that line. To be left alone by the Illuminati. *He smiles*
When Kubrick died he was stunned to find his…art.
And that’s what he decided.
1:10
The song ends.
God: So?
Who do you choose?
Lacey: Who do you choose?
God: I know. But I want to hear your thoughts. Still, I choose Lucifer for his credibility. Yet Elliott for his strength. And Lem for his victory, which means he has my vote.
Lacey: That makes absolutely no sense. I either can’t hear you, or something…-
What are you?
God: I’m God. But you’re not hearing my words easily. …I choose Lem.
Lacey: I’m sorry.
I’m exhausted.
I choose…-
Can I change my mind? I can’t- I don’t want to make a mistake.
God: YES! Just your thoughts.
Lacey: Satan. I can’t let go of how DISGUSTING Jack is. He’s VILE. And then Lem stuck his finger up his butt!? And tried to love him!?!
It’s DISGUSTING. What a waste of his existence. Not just his life. It’s almost unforgivable. Jack was…HIDEOUS. HIDEOUS! I can’t stand what a WORTHLESS piece of shit Lem made himself into by SUCKING HIS COCK.
He SUCKED THAT DISGUSTING PIECE OF SHIT’S COCK!?
I cant stand it.
I CANNOT STAND IT!!!
He’s PUTRID!!!
He’s PUTRID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He had the mind and humor of a walnut. Jack Kennedy. A WALNUT. …And a gross, tiny, shit covered, wart covered cock. And he SUCKED IT!??!
I can’t handle it.
HE CAN GO LAUGH. And giggle. And shake his ass. Eating maggots off Jack Kennedy’s slimy shit cock…FOR ETERNITY if he wants it SO DAMN BADLY.
I HOPE HE’S NEVER LONELY EVER AGAIN!!!!
SUCKING MAGGOTS AND BRAGGING ABOUT IT!!!!
I can lose interest too. I can.
See?
*she smiles*
HAVE FUN, LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And eating shit. Literally.
Yes. Hot shit.
You can smear his shit all over your bodies and get high off your asses.
Eat his shit. Breath his shit. LIVE IN HIS SHIT.
Like the unquestionable soulmates the gay chorus of Florida claims they are.
Still…I may change my mind.
Listen to “The Rush” by Bob Moses.
Lacey: You like that, Lem? Is that song good for you and your playboy?
*she laughs*
HOT DAMN!!
LOOK AT HIS…-
Satan: He has no ass.
Lacey: SHAKE-
SHAKE-
Just shake.
Shake that ugly cock of yours, Jackie Baby! ADVERTISE YOUR SEX!
Lem is straight, sweetie. You’re going to have to cut your head off. …Actually, just shake yourself until your head comes off.
God: That won’t work.
Lacey: Fair enough.
The thing is…Lem is heterosexual.
So…that’s too bad.
Maybe they can just laugh and eat poop.
Satan: I don’t think…you made that choice the right way.
Lacey: I asked if I could change my mind. I’m tired of being treated like shit.
God: Will you?
Lacey: Will my children have to slit their throats in their 30’s? To avoid being burned alive?
From what I understand…Jack is the most hideous man in almost all of human history. He ruined the U.S.. Men have never been the same since. He shit in every woman’s face and then pushed them off a cliff and bragged about it.
He destroyed the Western World. And he just couldn’t stop smiling about it and asking for YET ANOTHER round of applause.
He defiled the Boomers. Defiled their kids. And now we’re all DYING. While kids are being sent into living Hell.
AND YOU GOT HIM TO ORGASM!!!!! *she yells at Lem* FAITHFULLY!!! And the two of you couldn’t shut up about it.
You WROTE A FUCKING HIDEOUS MUSICAL ABOUT YOUR NUMB BODY…WORTHLESSLY SUCKING HIS MAGGOT DICK…UNTIL HE BLOSSOMED IN YOUR MOUTH.
Ha.
YOU DO NOT…LOVE ME!!!!
You LIED!!!!!!!
I am tempted to throw away-
What even ARE YOU!?! *she yells at Lem*
Are you just a worthless piece of shit?
Listen to “Jazz Suit No. 1” by Shostakovich.
