Casi: So you think men are aroused…and that’s it?
Lacey: Yes! Basically.
People notice. But…not really.
Exactly.
A Millennial man: So you just assume, or have assumed, safely…that most men will be helplessly aroused. But you don’t think they’re falling in love?
Lacey: Yes.
*she laughs*
They get hard. But they don’t give a rip. At all. Necessarily.
I mean, maybe as humans. You know? On a basic human level.
I mean…sex isn’t workout depth. And meaning. But…men can be aroused…and forget about it in under an hour.
A dead Boomer: We’ve offered her basically nothing. It’s bad!
A male Boomer: So…you just think, “Hey! He’s aroused. …But…he’ll get over it!”?
Lacey: Yes.
A male Boomer: So you see your beauty as the flu!?
In relation to men.
Lacey: Yes. Essentially.
And they recover.
And…-
A male Boomer: So you have no pride? About your looks?
Lacey: No, I have self-confidence. I love myself.
But…not necessarily pride?
A male Boomer: So it’s a joke to you?
Lacey: Yes. In a way.
It’s meaningless bullshit. Most of the time.
But God created me. And I’m happy to be me. And…I enjoy my beauty, even if no one else ever does. *she says, cheerfully*
A woman: So…you’re just hoping someone appreciates it? Nevermind loves you for that reason.
Lacey: Yes.
A woman: So why do you think women who are less beautiful envy you?
Lacey: They’re incredibly stupid.
Naive.
A woman: So…people are just dumb?
Lacey: Yes.
Putrid, with massive amounts of stupidity. The stench is overwhelming.
But, oh well.
*later*
Another man: So…-
I’m confused.
What-
So you think America women long to be beautiful. But just because they’re all idiots?
Lacey: Yes. Basically.
That’s a brutal, but honest observation.
An American woman: That’s not funny.
Is she real!??
The CIA: Yes.
So much so, she thinks you’re being told to say that. To mess with her head. Because we’re in trouble with Russia.
Lacey: I’m not falling for it.
I think people have expectations. They demand perfection. They feel entitled.
But…they don’t care. Not really.
An American Millennial woman: What’s normal?
We’re obviously “touched”. Or stupid.
What’s normal?
Lacey: *thinks*
Okay. So…you strive to be…the best-looking. Just for the sake of…-
*she thinks*
Winning? Yes? …It’s like winning a yacht race. People see you as the winner. …It’s all just bullshit.
Who cares who’s winning some dumb yacht race? War is what really matters. War, arranging things well in life. …Yacht races are nice. And I’m not saying that winning a yacht race isn’t…grand. But, it’s certainly not essential. It’s just for fun.
Umm…-
And the rest is for love. Pleasing your spouse. Feeling as though…you’re…doing your part. In a marriage.
Hygiene isn’t beauty. Good health, isn’t beauty.
They can be interrelated. If you’re good-looking, or young? Or something. But…health is health.
The woman: So you wore a corset…to please your husband?
Lacey: Yes!
If there’s reincarnation.
And…to…please my family. …It was socially expected. It would seem…uncouth…not to wear one.
*later*
A female reader: So…does anyone else in her family see things her way?
The CIA: No.
A female reader: CRAP!
*later*
Another reader: So…why do you care so much about what-
You seem to think it’s really important for us to know that you’re not photogenic. …And I’m betting you hear about our…beauty hierarchy. Is that why?
Lacey: Yes!
I’m not being ripped-off.
I have $100 bill. Not a $50 and a $25.
Exactly.
Casi: But I have $50. Just one.
So…-
Lacey: SO WHAT!?
I’m nice.
And I’m your problem. You, on the other hand, are mine. And you’re a horrible bitch.
A woman in Lacey’s family who raised her: Do you think anyone in our family thinks about you? At all?
Lacey: Maybe on a rare occasion.
I don’t tend to think anyone is thinking about me. And I’m shocked when I find out they are.
The CIA: But you’ve noticed that people on Instagram go out of their way to ignore you?
Lacey: YES.
It’s just pattern recognition.
I should be getting a few more likes and comments. …Nothing spectacular. But just…a little. And I’m not. …And it’s weird.
The CIA: So people’s approval means very little to you?
Lacey: American people? Yes.
*she laughs*
People’s approval!?
What even is that!?
What are they going to do!? Kill me, if they don’t approve!?
*later*
Liz: So…no…I was…-
I felt insecure, around you. You’re so pretty.
Lacey: Yeah. I can hear that you really mean that. Objectively. That I’m pretty.
*she thinks*
Right?
Liz: Yes.
Lacey: You don’t seem insecure.
The CIA: Do you understand what we mean, when we say that!?
Lacey: You feel…unsafe? Like…psychologically unsafe. Insecure. Lacking security. Lacking…safety.
Which could be…from some…sadness? That you’re losing. In some dumb, American, meaningless competition?
I struggle to take “insecure people” seriously. They seem…idiotic. On a certain level.
An American insecure woman: NO!!! You’re idiotic!
Lacey: *very calmly*
No, I’m not.
*later*
One of Lacey’s neighbors: So why bother?
Why bother with how you look…at all?
Lacey: To be treated fairly. People are vicious.
If you don’t…look…good…you’re treated like literal shit.
One of Lacey’s neighbors: So you think…if you lost 30 pounds. Had a perfect home. And had married a man with no autism. That we’d say hello to you?
Lacey: I think…you’d stop hating me. I wouldn’t expect a hello.
I’m a very loving person. And people in this country have become like rabid dogs.
*she thinks*
Actually, more like sharks. You sense blood.
No one else in the community is bleeding. …And so you don’t circle. But with me…you smell blood.
*she thinks*
Not that I blame you. It’s just the culture.
The CIA: Her husband is barely autistic! I mean barely.
Lacey: Shh!
They love that narrative! They live for it.
*she laughs*
*later*
The CIA: Does she paint?
Lem: Yes!
The CIA: Better than Jack?
Lem: Better than Jack. She’s actually quite good, when she wants to be.
Lacey: Which is almost never.
I’m just never in the mood.
An American: Did you hear what Liz said? Or did you just write it?
Lacey: *thinks*
What did she say?
An American: She said she was a deeply insecure woman. And, I don’t think you understand what we mean by insecurity.
We aren’t talking about…battle. We’re talking about…our feelings.
Lacey: What about your feelings?
An American: We feel…not just sad…but…-
*they think*
We feel angry. Really angry.
Because it’s like…we can’t fix it.
Are you following?
Lacey: I was, until you said you couldn’t fix it. How is that not like a battle?
An American: *thinks*
But it’s my sense of self.
Lacey: Which, to me, is war.
An American: *laughs*
*then looks deadly serious*
WHAT!?!
Lacey: I mean, it comes down to an issue only settled by war.
Does it not?
An American: No.
No.
It’s not that public.
Lacey: How!?!
We’re all public. It’s a democracy.
An American: I mean, yes…
But, it’s not necessarily like that. It’s so much more personal.
Like…I could make it public. But…it doesn’t have to be.
*he thinks*
*he feels like crying*
The CIA: Does this scare you?
An American: Yes.
The CIA: Oh well.
GROW-UP.
This is reality.
An American (40-something, white male): *thinks*
Did the character from The Office, Phyllis, confuse you?
Lacey: No!
I was impressed that her husband didn’t fall for the brainwashing. I’m sure he found her attractive.
And…it’s quite normal.
An American: Did you find it depressing?
Lacey: YES!
People are…complicated. You can’t really live to please them. Not in that way.
An American: I-
It was weird to me, at first. But then I realized, he’s just…into her.
Umm…-
Pam and Jim aren’t…cool. I mean, they are. But…-
Nevermind.
Umm…-
I think you misunderstood our culture.
And I have no idea where to begin.
I’m sorry.
Lacey: *takes a deep breath*
Why don’t you tell me more about insecurity.
