Lem Billings.
He prances into a gorgeous room. A living-room on Cape Cod. Berber carpet. White. A glorious black grand piano. Next to a big bay window.
Women wearing cocktail dresses in the 1950’s. Jazz.
And even at six feet four inches tall, Lem looks like nothing, according to popular opinion that is, compared to Jack Kennedy. He’s so much so a nothing that Rip Horton, who’s shorter than Jack who’s just over six feet tall, can easily replace Lem in a photo.
When Lem relaxes his face he looks almost exactly like the picture above. That’s Emperor Constantine, in the picture, with glasses drawn on his face.
And here’s Jack Kennedy:
Jack can appear this way, in person. This is actually him. And yet, he captures our attention.
Because Jack Kennedy is not dressed like this most of the time.
JFK wears billowing white shirts made of linen and stiff ironed khakis. No belt.
JFK tans religiously. He blows his hair out. He may even wear a touch of makeup. Yes. President Kennedy may have dabbled in makeup. And he certainly wears cologne. Gold watches. Fastidiously cares for his teeth.
“HELLO!” says JFK, to Lem Billings. On Cape Cod. At our party scene in 1952.
Lem suddenly falls at his feet, but playfully. Kisses his shoes.
Jack laughs in response. Casually, of course.
“Lemmers! You crazy cat!” says JFK, with allure.
Lem stands-up. Primly. Awkwardly. And he then marches off to go to the kitchen to make Jack a good stiff drink. And a sandwich. As only Lem can.
Unfortunately though, Lacey Banks is having a wardrobe emergency. So, she’s standing in the kitchen already. She’s adjusting her undergarments.
Lacey looks shocked when Lem prances in. Quickly she covers herself up.
“Oh! No need to worry! I’m gay!” says Lem, brightly. “I’m only here to protect and serve and honor Jack Kennedy. You can go ahead and get naked. I won’t even notice!” He smiles open mouthed and laughs a high-pitched laugh.
Lacey takes him seriously. She doesn’t hesitate to adjust her clothes.
Lem sees her half naked.
Lem looks at her. He’s shocked.
”Gee…you’re so nice, Lacey. Are you making your boobs look good for Joe?” he asks, innocently. Louis Bayard depicted this part of his personality in his novel. “That’s very nice of you to try to look nice for Joe.”
“Yes. Of course.” says Lacey.
“I like watching you.
Gee.
Can I watch you tonight. In the shower?” Lem says, merry as can be.
Lacey looks shocked. “Why would you do that?” she says.
“Well…I dunno. It’s just kind of fun to see your body.
I’m a gay man, and all, really. Gee, I sure am! But…this is fun!
I like your boobs.” says Lem, thoughtfully, almost confused.
“Oh!
That’s very odd Lem, if you’re gay.
Very odd.” says Lacey.
“Well, don’t mind me. I’m just a fun-loving gay man.
Can we go upstairs and have sex?” says Lem.
“Lem! That’s not gay at all.
I’m sorry.” says Lacey.
“No, I’m gay. I’m a closeted gay.” says Lem.
“Lem, the way you’re grabbing me, isn’t gay.” says Lacey.
“No!
Gay men can have crushes on women. It’s totally normal. According to my biographers.
We can even want sex with women. Totally normal.
Hell, we could get married, have ten children and never see Jack again for the rest of eternity? And I’d still be gay.” says Lem. He laughs another high-pitched laugh. Opens his mouth wide to grin.
“That makes no sense.” says Lacey.
Just then, as Lem passionately kisses Lacey and grabs her sexually while doing so, Jack Kennedy walks in to the kitchen. Walking as Jack Kennedy walks. As JFK looks at Lacey and Lem he seems unsurprised.
“Hey, Lem! You can give me help later? Huh?
Supper!” says JFK, with a wink.
Lem pauses and very cheerfully and with a sort of mechanical sexuality says, “SURE! HOT STUFF! I WANNA FUCK YOU, BAD! ALL NIGHT LONG!” Then he relaxes and goes back to what he was doing.
Then Jack shoves them out of the way, as they’re making out passionately, to fill a glass with water at the sink.
“JACKIE!!
Hey, JACKIE!!! GET YOUR ASS IN HERE AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH!” JFK yells at his wife.
Jackie Kennedy walks in, aloof. Smoking a cigarette.
“What do you want, darling?” she says.
“MAKE ME A TUNA SANDWICH!!!” JFK yells, then he takes a drink.
Meanwhile, in the background, Lacey and Lem are still making-out.
“Why can’t he do it?” says Jackie, annoyed, motioning to Lem.
“Oh Lem? He’s-“ JFK studies them for a second. “He looks kinda busy.” He shrugs and drinks more water.
“Who’s she!?” says Jackie.
“Nobody!” says Jack.
“Ahh! No wonder they get along.” says Jackie, laughing.
“Jackie! How much did you spend at Dior today?” asks JFK, suddenly annoyed.
“$50,000.00!” says Jackie.
“YOU BITCH!” says Jack. He slaps her face.
“JACK!” says Jackie, touching her face with the palm of her hand.
“WE HAVE NO MONEY THIS MONTH UNTIL DAD GIVES US ANOTHER LOAN!” says JFK, upset.
“Don’t start with that again!” says Jackie.
In walks Raul. Lem’s friend.
“Oh! He’s going to fuck a woman?
Huh.
He’s such a strange man.
I’ve slept with him. Many times.
Of course I’m nothing like you, Jack. I’m a meager replacement. We all know this! But…he’s never appreciated when I’ve tried to make a night of our carousing romps.
I wake-up next to him and he always threatens to punch me in the face if I don’t leave immediately.
Lem! Oh Lem! Darling?” yells Raul.
Lem and Lacey ignore him. Instead of acknowledging Raul they move upstairs. As one.
“Are you going to his room!?” yells Raul after them.
Raul watches them. Follows them.
“Gee! What’s that all about?” says Jack to Jackie.
“I don’t know.
Are they doing something sexual?” says Jackie.
“Huh. Maybe.” says JFK. He shrugs.
“Funny.
I didn’t know people other than us had sex.” she says, baffled.
“Other than the Kennedys?” says JFK.
“Yes! My goodness.
No. They can’t be having sex.
I shouldn’t be so imaginative.” she says.
“No, I suppose not.
Say, how about that sandwich?” says Jack.
Just then Raul returns to the kitchen.
“They kicked me out!
I tried to warn him that she may be in his bed…all night. But…he’s not worried.” says Raul, stumped. “Lem’s a funny man! So…extreme.”
“More like extremely funny!” says JFK. “Man, he can crack me up.
Just earlier tonight he was licking my shoes!”
“Yes.
He does adore you so.
Poor sod.
Ahh…but I suppose in the end…you’ll love him most.” says Raul, with deep melancholy and thoughtfulness.
Jackie looks sad and nods with resignation.
“Yes.
I’m like God.
And he’s a very holy man.
He is willing to lay down his life for me. Daily. Worshiping me. And…that’s what a man like me wants. Complete submission and sublimation.” says Jack.
“Yeah. Jackie has too much self-esteem to be your true love.” says Raul.
“Yes.
I love how foolish he is. All of the time. Just for me.” says JFK. “I’m no narcissist. I have Israel cornered.” He laughs haughtily. “But…what can I say? Marilyn just doesn’t let me abuse her as easily. Most people don’t. I got kicked in my crotch once.
And I love how when I try to give Lem gay sex…he screams bloody murder and hits me until I stop.” He laughs. “And then I threaten to kill his sister.”
“Yes. You’re so straight Jack. You’re not really dating a man. You’re just abusing Lem.” says Raul, amused and impressed. “Wise man!”
And at that Lacey and Lem scream in bliss, upstairs.
“What was that?” says Jack.
“Yes, good heavens!” says Jackie.
“Sounds like they made love.” says Raul, stunned.
“Hmm.
Well, as much as he can, if that’s even what that was.
He’s not exactly unattractive.
But of course, he’s not me.” says JFK.
“Yes!
What a funny thought. That he would be able to have sex like you!” says Jackie.
“Maybe they’re just pretending, to get our approval and attention.” says Jack, with pity.
Jackie nods. So does Raul.
“What a shame! I’m sure that’s exactly what it is!” says Raul.
Lacey and Lem walk downtowns. Holding hands. Hair all messy.
“Well, we’re off to Minnesota. I got her pregnant. And now I need to ask her dad to let me make her an honest woman.” says Lem, smiling. He laughs.
Lacey nods.
“What did he just say?” says Jack.
“I don’t know. Something about going to Minnesota!” says Jackie.
“Oh. Going fishing, I presume! By Jove! Have a jolly good time!” says JFK, genuinely trying to sound British.
Lem and Lacey wave goodbye. Then leave. Holding hands.
“Almost makes you wonder… if he’s not gay.” says Raul, with concern.
“No. He’s desperately in love with my husband.
But I don’t worry. Because I’m Jackie Kennedy. I’m a very big deal.
There’s no way a fat gay man who’s balding with stains on his sweaters could steal my husband!” says Jackie.
“You are my most mysterious creature, indeed!” says JFK.
“You flatter me, you flatterer.” says Jackie.
“Oh. But you flatter me more.” says JFK.
“Gosh.
We are something!” says Jackie, breathless.
“Well! I’m going to go sign something.
Use my deepest voice and make a few phone calls.
Then I’ll go play golf.
Take a swim.
Wear my sunglasses.
And then play with the dog.” says JFK.
“Goody! I have a piece of toast…with BUTTER waiting for me.
I’m STARVING.” she says. “And it’s LUNCHTIME!”
“Jackie! Butter!?” says Raul, shocked.
“Well…I’m not one to judge people, but sometimes I like to let my hair down…kick my heels-up…and live.” says Jackie.
“Let’s have fish tonight again, for dinner.” says JFK. “I’m from Cape Cod. It’s NEXT TO THE OCEAN.”
“You sail.” says Raul.
“I love FISH. Seafood.” says JFK. “And I love swimming in the ocean, too.”
“You’re so…nautical. And Irish.” says Raul.
“Yes. The Irish eat a lot of seafood.” says JFK. “And I sail on a sailboat.”
“Yes. And you’re Irish.” says Raul.
“Yes. I’m an Irish Catholic.” says JFK. “I also play touch football.”
“Wow.” says Raul. “Your last name is Kennedy.”
“Yeah.” says JFK. “Kennedy is Irish.”
“Well, I’m going to go do my hair.” says Jackie.
“I’m also going to do my hair.” says JFK. “But you don’t know that, Jackie. That I too spend hours on my hair. Because I’m a closeted bisexual.” says Jack. “And I also like being able to abuse you, by mocking you for how much time you spend on your hair.”
“I really don’t care.” says Jackie, nodding.
“Why not?” says JFK, sadly.
“Because I’m also narcissistic. Not as bad as you, but sometimes I’m genuinely narcissistic. And I like the idea of us, more than the reality of you.” she says. “At times.”
“Huh.
But you almost slit your throat last night. When I was talking to my mistress on the phone, before bed.” says JFK, confused.
“Yeah.
See, you still make me want to kill myself. I have emotions, Jack. I’m not a psychopath.” says Jackie.
“Oh.
That’s nice.” says JFK.
“I love you!!” says Jackie.
“Huh.
Maybe I love you too.” says Jack Kennedy. “I’m so unstable and such a narcissist I can’t tell. But I have a weird feeling I love you.”
Raul is fast asleep.
“Well…let’s go spend some money!” says JFK, locking arms with Jackie.
“YES, SIR!” she says, grinning. “MY FAVORITE!!!”
“MINE TOO!!!!” says Jack, with excitement.
And at that, they walk off.
Keen to Cross the Pond 
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