Let’s imagine Lacey goes to the estate. In 2006. For a day.
In the Spring.
Let’s imagine she goes to breakfast. To meet Putin. “Surrounded” by three people protecting them.
She says, “Good morning!” to Putin. Very cheerfully. Smiling, sincerely. That was before a lot of very hurtful things had happened to her.
What does she say next:
A Catholic: *smirks*
God: Nothing. He has to respond first.
He says, “You’re in good spirits!” in an upbeat tone. Then she says what?
A Catholic: *rolls their eyes* She says, “Well! You have a beautiful house.”
God: She says, “And how are you?”
I said the latter.
They chat over tea, coffee, fruit, cheese and scones.
Then she goes back to her room.
What happened next:
A Catholic: He screwed the shit out of her.
God: She took a three hour nap.
I took a three hour nap. Then I changed. And got ready for lunch.
After lunch I tried to play tennis with him. But, I’m bad at tennis.
Then we decided to shower and go take a walk.
A Catholic: You had sex.
God: You worked really hard on your makeup. And hair.
I did work really hard on my makeup and hair.
We took a walk. He did kiss me.
How did we stop having… sexual contact?
A Catholic: *looks nervous* You said, “Back off!”
God: He said, “You can’t ruin your own peace of mind. Let’s go back inside.”
I was debating about what to do. He did say that. Almost verbatim.
We then went back inside and he showed me a classic Russian film. No subtitles.
After dinner we all took a swim.
A Catholic: *looks nervous*
God: And you discussed the oil.
Yes, we discussed the oil.
And then we all went our separate ways to bed.
A Catholic: *doesn’t know what to say*
God: Yes. Although he did watch her. On camera.
I don’t think I knew that. Huh.
Anyway.
That’s it.
A Catholic: No! You’re lying.
God: You’ve had a somewhat depressing life.
Lem: A somewhat depressing life?!!?
God: No, I’m being sarcastic. It’s been bad.
Lacey: Where’s the lie?
*she controls laughter*
A Catholic: You gave him oral sex.
God: *cracks-up laughing at them*
Lacey: No. I did not.
A Catholic: *looks confused*
Yes, you did?
Lacey: No.
*shrugs*
Lem: Are you trafficking her!?
A Catholic: No.
Lem: Really!? It sounds like you don’t think she did enough?
I don’t think Putin is mad at us.
Putin’s wife: He’s not!
A Catholic: What-
You had sex?
Lacey: Yikes.
Well…-
A Catholic: You did something.
God: True.
A Catholic: *looks upset*
Joel: SHE SUCKED HIS COCK!
I mean, I have no idea what happened. But? Let’s just say she sucked his cock.
*later*
Lacey: I didn’t. *she laughs*
But, I can tell you all need to know.
*she laughs*
*later*
Putin: I don’t appreciate this.
It’s very funny.
But I don’t like it…
A Reader: *rocks back and forth, anxiously*
I’m afraid if you don’t tell us… another 1,000 people are going to die.
Or another 60.
Did you kiss her on the lips?
Putin: Yes.
A Reader: Good.
What the hell did you all do!?!
I can tell when she stops writing terrible things manifest.
What did you do!?!
The Illuminati: We cursed her.
Out of spite.
A Reader: Was there some jealousy involved?
The Illuminati: Yes.
A Reader: Okay.
Umm…-
You were jealous of Putin. Too.
Do you know that?
The Illuminati: No.
A Reader: He got to be… magnetic.
*later*
Lacey: We made-out.
Ruth: You almost made love.
Let me handle this.
*she thinks*
He grabbed you, held you while standing-up. Wrapped his arms around you. And began caressing you.
You kissed back when he kissed. And you both became very passionate.
Then he considered having sex. Because it made sense. However, he chose to hold you close and take deep breaths, instead. Focusing on the things that calm him down.
Then… he said a nice couple of lines. Told you to go inside.
God: That was brilliant.
Ruth: You’re welcome.
Then how did you not know him?
In Red Wing, Minnesota?
Lacey: Well… what happened the second time?
Ruth: Ahh-
*she thinks*
He humped you.
And other… stuff.
*she snickers*
Dammit, girl. You try too hard to be good.
*she rubs her forehead*
