Flying Lessons

The Illuminati: No. He’s not flying yet.

Lacey: Just thought I would check.

Joe: They don’t mean me. They mean Bobby Junior.

A dead Italian: Who’s Bobby Junior?

Joe: My little brother Bobby’s second son.

A dead Italian: Why didn’t he name his first son after himself?

Joe: He named him Joe.

A dead Italian: After you!?

Joe: No.

A dead Italian: After your father?

Joe: No. He’s just named Joe.

*later*

Lacey: Is Gabbo, from The Simpson’s, JFK?

Lem: I helped assassinate him, regardless. I was heterosexual.

Lacey! Are you embarrassed by what happened with Putin?

Lacey: Yes.

It is premarital… sexual activity.

Lem: Why don’t you feel that way with me?

Lacey: *thinks*

Because it’s not offensive.

Lem: Because we’re what they call twin flames. I get it.

Lacey: I mean, I don’t want to harm him…

Lem: YES.

Listen to “Sympathy for the Devil” by The Rolling Stones.

Lacey: I mean, you don’t want to get attached to the wrong person.

Satan: Lem! You’re a clown? You make EVERYONE laugh?

Bobby: *has to take a nap, from exhausting himself trying to fly*

Listen to “Can’t Stop” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Lem: I’m not that gross.

And Jack Kennedy was far worse.

Bobby: If I had a girlfriend, she’d kill me.

Luke Perry: Why?

Bobby: I’m broke.

*he laughs*

Luke Perry: Why?

Bobby: I’m not a clown.

I’ve never been funny.

Luke Perry: You’d be rich? If you were like Krusty?

Bobby: Aha.

And The Simpsons for the win.

Krusty: Lem isn’t me. Not…after the first ten minutes.

Bobby: But Lem was funny.

Luke Perry: Yeah.

You could be too.

You could make money, being funny.

Bobby: I wish.

Seeing men in their underwear. Because we all know he subscribed to Playgirl, not Playboy.

Lem: No, it was Playboy.

God: How was Lacey evil?

A Catholic: I need a drink and a shower.

And to actually watch the I Love The Lucy Show.

*rolls their eyes*

I’m so sick of her pretending to talk to the dead.

Listen to “Exterminate”! What a joke.

Vermin.

*later*

A Catholic: Run Bobby.

You’re free.

Just run.

*they’re serious*

Bobby: I’m fine.

But I truly believe I can fly. Okay!?

*he laughs*

It’s in my bones.

Ernest Hemingway: Just take a break. This is depressing. *he says to Lacey*

*later*

An American: Lacey, what if Putin is in love with you?

Lacey: Good for him.

Homer Simpson: I’m going to eat Lacey.

Lacey: I’m not a chicken.

Homer Simpson: Do you understand why they’re asking you that?

Lacey: No. Not necessarily.

Homer: Yup. That’s what I thought.

You remind me of my Maggie.

*a glass cross breaks in Lacey’s house, after one of her kids knocks it over, accidentally while playing*

Bobby: *cackles*

I slept with Satan.

There will be BLOOD.

Bill Gates: You’re still not flying.

Satan: He never slept with me.

A Catholic: Is your house clean?

Lacey: The toilet is clean. The bathroom sink is clean. The bathroom floor is not.

The kitchen floor is fairly clean. But I need to clean out the fridge. The counters aren’t bad.

The living-room-

A Catholic: Why didn’t you clean the toilet.

Lacey: I did.

A Catholic: HA!

You said that. But I know. You say it.

Lacey: No. The toilet was cleaned… two days ago. Thoroughly.

A Catholic: How thoroughly?

Lacey: You really want me to explain?

A Catholic: *thinks*

What did you do?

Lacey: How is that a different concept? In this context?

A Catholic: Fine. It’s not.

Lacey: Why do you need to know?

A Catholic: Because you’re a Jew.

Lacey: No. I’m not.

A Catholic: Yes, YOU ARE!!!

Lacey: No. I’m not.

A Catholic: OH YES YOU ARE!!!

Lacey: No.

I’m not.

A Catholic: *cries*

Oh yes you are!

Lacey: You just married one?! Who’s father is Jewish?

Mark, her husband: Yes. I’m also a Christian.

A Catholic: Ha!

So you worship Jesus!!?

Mark, her husband: Yes.

Do you?

A Catholic (in America): Lacey, you weren’t Jewish at all before you married him?

Bibi: Yes.

Lacey: Yes.

I’m sorry, but that’s insane. Where did you get so fixated on that?

A Catholic: I have my own personal experiences.

Lacey: With what?

Chris: What’s wrong with Judaism?

A Catholic: The Simpsons. Jews. 9/11.

I loved the Kennedys.

I voted for BOBBY.

Lacey: Why, Homer, are they asking me that?

Sirhan Sirhan: He knows the truth.

Homer: They think you’re working for Russia.

*he opens a can of cold beer*

Lacey: WHAT!??

Homer: No! They really do.

Lacey: *thinks*

What does that have to do with his feelings for me?

Bobby: It’s a cheap sideshow. I know. You’re nothing to him.

But it scares them, nonetheless. These are people who actually take life seriously, unlike you.

Lacey: What would he do?

Bobby: Terrorize us. Using you.

Lacey: *thinks*

I wouldn’t let that happen.

Skull & Bones: No, she wouldn’t…

We hired her.

A Catholic: WELL, I DID NOT.

Lacey: This is how the cross broke:

The kids are tying strings, to play. It wasn’t a demon.

Sorry the lighting is so bad.

Homer: They’re just…thinking that…the Skull & Bones is pure evil.

Lacey: *thinks*

Bobby: Why don’t I have sex with Putin.

Bill Gates: You’re a sex addict.

Bobby: I could still do it.

Satan: How would that fix things?

Bobby: Well… they’d feel better.

Putin: Bobby. This isn’t a television show.

Satan: You entertain me. All of you.

Lacey: You’re really that suspicious?

A Catholic: YES!

Lacey: Then why aren’t you worried Lem helped-

A Catholic: Because. He’s-

I just can’t believe David Pitts knows less than you.

Lacey: Then why are you worried about Putin?

A Catholic: *thinks*

Because he’s a man.

Lacey: And I’m a child!?

A Catholic: No. And you are smart.

Lacey: Yes, and not because I’m Jew. My intelligence isn’t “just Jewish”.

I’m not a Jew. I’m just not.

A Catholic: Then how are you not German?!?

Lacey: I AM GERMAN.

But I’m also English…

And Dutch. Possibly a bit French?

A Catholic: Then how are you not just German!?!

Lacey: Because I’m all of those things…

Bill Gates: Do you all not understand genetics? There actually are races and cultures with specific genetic characteristics.

A Catholic: But that’s not what she means.

Lacey: No, it is.

A Catholic: You can’t say you’re English.

Lacey: No. You can.

My great grand uncle wrote about it.

People moved here in groups. This isn’t a laboratory.

A Catholic: Okay.

But you’re not English.

Lacey: No. I am.

I’m also German.

A Catholic: But that’s not the same thing as being a real English person.

Lacey: It is, and it’s not.

A Catholic: Well! Sometimes I don’t think you understand.

Lacey: Nope. I’m quite clear.

A Catholic: What the hell!? *they say to Bobby*

I thought she was a Jew!?

*they smirk*

Satan: What moral authority do you assume you have over Lacey?

A Catholic: She doesn’t care about poor people. At all.

Lacey: Is that all you’re this mad about?

You all seem…incredibly angry.

A Catholic: You DO NOT CARE…ABOUT THE POOR!!!

*they scream at Lacey*

Jim: So you’re mad she’s saving children?!

*he laughs at them*

A Catholic: *refuses to answer*

Jim: I’ll take that as a YES.

You know, you’re not even Christians. You’re DEMONS.

Ghislaine Maxwell: *laughs*

They LIE.

They’re worse than I ever was!

Mother Theresa: I am not a saint.

Bill Gates: Not all Catholics are selling children. But that’s one of the traditional ways they’ve been sold. Everyone knows that.

Actually though, most Catholics aren’t involved. But still, it’s not better than the Jews. At all.

They’re such hypocrites.

Bobby: Don’t say that about my people!!!

*he screams*

Bill: Bobby? GO FLY!