Author Archives: L.

“Hey.” says Diego impersonating Chris Hayes.

“Oh wow!!” says F. Scott Fitzgerald impersonating Lacey.

“Yeah. I’m Chris Hayes.” says Diego.

“NO!!” says Scott.

“No. For real. I am.” says Diego.

“AHHH!!” screams Scott in shock. He can barely recover.

“Hey! Cool down!

Let’s talk.” says Diego.

“I will try.

OH MY GOSH! I’m so overwhelmed.” says Scott.

“Don’t be.” says Diego.

“Okay. I’m so in shock.” says Scott. “What do you want from me? My body? My heart? My life?”

“Your mind!” says Diego.

“To do what!??” begs Scott.

“To entertain me.” says Diego.

“How!?” asks Scott, doing twirls and flips.

“That’ll do, I guess. Wow. You’re really impressed with me!” says Diego.

“YEAH!! I’m losing my mind I’m so impressed.” says Scott.

“Sorry. I guess I have that affect on people nowadays.” says Diego.

Scott drools in awe.

Scott goes into seizures in awe.

“So…do you love me now?” asks Scott, pleasing for his sanity and life he’s so in profound awe of Chris (Diego).

“No. I have a wife. And we have problems. But I’m never leaving her. Because she’s always been my rock. Sorry!” says Diego.

“WHAT!?!?!? Oh MY!!! OH NO!!!!” shrieks Scott (impersonating their idealized version of Lacey).

“Sorry!” says Diego. He shrugs.

“OH NO!! I have to kill myself now!” says Scott. “HOLD ON WHILE I GRAB SLEEPING PILLS!!!”

“Okay. Bye.

It’s okay. You were a loser anyway.” says Diego.

“WAS I!?” says Scott, pulling out his hair.

“NO. I’m kidding. It’s a joke. The joke is that you think you can even possibly be with me at all. It’s like fan fiction. You’re just a retarded idiot. Go shoot yourself and out your worthless brain out of its misery.” says Diego.

“Okay! Thank you!!” says Scott.

“Nothing doing.” says Diego, laughing.

Scott shoots himself in the head.

Diego pulls up his $500 pants and takes a deep breath of air. Looks around his house.

“Kate. DAHLING…let’s sail the Riviera! In a yacht!” says Diego in a sudden British accent, from the 1800’s.

“Oh! Lover! Let me go spray on some violet perfume.” says Kate psychotically impersonating a female Scottish aristocrat.

“Don’t dally around! We have a lot of things to do today!” says Diego.

“OH NO! My stars!” says JFK to Diego.

“What!?” says Diego.

“IS IT LOVE!?” JFK asks Diego.

“I shan’t say! I shall have to wait until we dance in Monteverdi. Under moonlight.” says Diego.

“I’LL kill myself!” says JFK. “Just like Marilyn Monroe!”

“Marilyn!?!” says Diego, deepening his voice.

“Yes! Marilyn! I’ve always wanted to be just like Marilyn!” says JFK, dreamily.

“Ha! Too bad. You shall leave me.” says Diego.

“Oh no. I’ll haunt you forever!” says JFK.

“Dammit. That’s sad!” says Diego.

And at that Diego and Kate rush off to Monteverdi with JFK following them in hot pursuit.

“Kate! Do you think that Donald J. Trump will win?” asks Diego behind the wheel of a huge, shiny, 24K gold detailed yacht.

“Hardly! We shall overcome! Like they say in the Negro spirituals. We shall OVERCOME!” she says, raising a fist into the air in certain triumph.

Diego gets a phone call from Kris Jenner, Kim Kardashian and Caitlin Jenner.

“Chris! DAHLING! Chris!!!” wails Kris Jenner almost having a seizure she’s so impressed.

“Ha!” says Diego in a posh voice of mild disdain.

“Oh Chris!!! We heard you had a suicide!” says Kris Jenner.

Diego remains silent.

“Chris! Are you a GOD NOW!??” asks Kris Jenner.

“Almost!” says Diego (impersonating Chris with a slight laugh).

“GOLLY!!!” says Kris.

“Well….that’s just how it goes. It’s just the way things are.” says Diego, loftily pulling up his pants again.

“Wow!!! Can we have sex!!?! Please!?!?” says Kim Kardashian.

“MMM. Well…I’m in love with my wife. So…. I’m not going to ever marry you. …But if you want to have sexual relations with me in that sexual danger zone of the soul…I will permit it.” says Diego.

“Oh Chris! You’re so wise!!!” says Kate. “My hero!!!”

“Chris I’ll pull out all of my hair if you don’t let me!” says Kim Kardashian.

“Okay. Well…next Friday.” says Diego. “At 3.”

“Whatever you say!!!” says Caitlyn.

Then they hang-up.

“I’M HERE!” announces JFK.

“Go away!” says Diego.

“NO! I hate you. And I hate life. And I need to go get married but will you be my best friend? I have to! Or else!” says JFK.

“I don’t care!!! I’m UNTOUCHABLE!” says Diego, fighting back tears.

“ARE YOU ALMOST CRYING!??” shrieks JFK.

“NO!!!” winces Diego, fighting back tears.

“YOU ARE UPSET!” says JFK. And at that he begins beating Diego over the head with the back of a gun.

“Aha! What REALLY HAPPENED!!” say the evil gay community.

“I CANNOT LIE ANY LONGER!” shouts Diego.

“Don’t! We’re free now! Let out your emotions and tell JFK how much you love him.” says the evil living gay community.

“I-“ says Diego. “I- I AM TOO POSH TO BE THAT VULNERABLE!”

“AHA! Also what happened!! We’re getting at truth!!” says the evil living gay community.

“Yes. I’m sorry. But I have ten yachts to sail. And 400 Brooks Brothers suits to have fitted. I can’t be bothered to be so human and normal. I have to be FABULOUS!” says Diego (impersonating Chris who is trying to become Lem Billings).

“NO!! Fuck you!!!” yells JFK, suddenly beating Lem over the head with a log. “I don’t have the mental capacity to figure out that I’m homosexual at all. I keep longing for you and getting hard every time you’re undressed in our dorm room…but…I’m too straight to be gay. And I cannot love you openly.” says JFK.

“OH GOODY! That’s what I love!!” says Diego, clapping his hands together. He suddenly miraculously has been given a new head on his neck as God is madly in awe of all gay men. His previous head lays on the deck, bloodied and beaten.

“Are we in love!??” says JFK.

“MMM…YES!!” says Diego.

“SHIT! This conversation never happened!” says JFK. “Okay? Okay God!?”

“Anything you say, Jack. You’re a Kennedy!” says the God they all possibly imagined existing.

And at that Diego and JFK sail off into a sunset for an hour tops before JFK has to lock him in a closet to make him behave.

“I’m back to feeling normal. I had tensions to relieve. But after taking that shit…I feel fine!” says JFK, laughing.

“You took a shit?” says Kate.

“Yes. I just pooped.” says JFK, matter-of-factly.

“Where is my husband?” asks Kate, slightly scared now.

“I don’t know. I don’t care.” says JFK. “Get out of my blessed face, you ugly Hellion.”

And at that Kate slaps herself to death as JFK watches and laughs.

The Four Seasons: Winter by Vivaldi plays as performed by Gottfried von der Goltz.

She dies. Falls off the yacht into the ocean and drowns.

“Huh. I wonder what that was all about?” asks JFK. He shrugs. Flies away on a giant eagle.

Landing in the White House he makes love with Joe Biden before Kate and Chris (Diego) show up for high tea.

“I decided not to invite the Queen of England. Loser!” says Diego.

“Ha! You’re my favorite person, Chris.” says JFK.

“Yup! More of what really happens, in reality.” say all living evil gay men.

A flood overtakes the streets of Amsterdam and it looks like New Orleans during Katrina.

“Why is there flooding in Amsterdam?” asks Joe Biden, having high tea with Chris, Kate and JFK.

“Ahh! Global Warming!” says Diego. “We’re all toast!” he says, laughing posh and mighty.

“Why?” asks Joe Biden.

“Excuse me. I need to go snort my cocaine for the hour.” says JFK, also in a posh manner. He abruptly walks off.

“Global Warming!” says Diego, moving on to caviar and champagne.

“Huh.” says Joe Biden.

And at that snakes overtake the Oval Office.

“Hi!!” says Joe Biden.

“Oh dear. What fun!” says Diego, trying to remain posh and merry.

A giant snake who just ate JFK slithers in and moves around the Oval Office.

“I think I’ll take a nap!” says Joe Biden. He casually walks off and goes to his room to take a nap.

“Why are we being persecuted this way by the British Aristocracy!??” shouts Diego, indignantly.

“I’m Jewish.” says Kate.

“Oh! That’s why!

Say…why don’t you all try to be nicer?” Diego asks her.

“Because we’re too stupid.” says Kate. “Just like Seinfeld, and Jeffrey Epstein. We just don’t get it.”

“That’s embarrassing.

Want to fly away? I have wings.” says Diego.

“Okay. Sounds good honey.” says Kate, stupidly.

She climbs on his back and they fly to home.

When at home they eat dry cereal in their newly remodeled kitchen and laugh.

“This is by far one of our best adventures.” says Diego to Kate.

She falls asleep.

“Gee. I’m the luckiest guy in the whole world. And all I needed to do was make myself see that.” says Diego. He opens the windows of his brownstone and looks up at the moon.

anemone by slenderbodies plays.

“I’m human after all.” says Diego. He fondly regards himself as drops of dew fall on his face and the Earth stands in awe of him.

The song plays.

“That’s the delusion a lot of you live in.” says Scott Fitzgerald.

“Why are you all obsessed with discrediting the Nesheims?” asks Skippy.

“Because no one will believe we’re that pathetic.” says the DNC.

“Diego was hurt and so was Chris. So…this was our way of handling it. Lean in. And never let go. Because who would believe we’re that stupid?” says the DNC, turning on itself.

“Why does she need our approval if it’s real?” asks Andy Tauer.

“Because it’s all so theoretical.” says Lacey.

Flow by Crooked Colours plays.

“What’s theoretical?” asks Louis Vuitton.

“A great many things.” says Lacey.

Andy Tauer looks confused. “How can owning trillions in oil be theoretical?”

“Because it’s all conceptual.” says Lacey.

“WHAT!?” he says.

“Yes. You’re digging really deep into her personality to feel superior in Liberal America. And you’ve lost your minds. But let’s keep talking.” says Carole Lombard.

“So you mean everything is CONCEPTUAL!?” says Chris Hayes.

“Not everything. But…the idea of North Dakota itself is a mere concept.” says Lacey.

Skippy Handelman, a fictional character, laughs.

“Lem was straight.” says Andy Tauer. “He actually does seem straight. But…I’m playing along for some reason.”

“That doesn’t hurt you!??” asks MSNBC, in terror.

“HURT ME!?” says Andy Tauer.

“Yeah!” says MSNBC.

“No. Because he just doesn’t seem authentic.

It’s skin-deep on him. It isn’t on me.

She could never find me that attractive. I’m too gay. Why is that hurtful?” says Andy Tauer.

“Because you’re so gay she can’t find you attractive! That would hurt anyone!” says a Gen. Z member of the Illuminati.

“AHH…no.” says Andy Tauer, looking confused. “I like men! She’s a woman.”

“What if she’s a man!??” says MSNBC.

“She’s not.” says Andy Tauer.

High on several drugs, a Democrat leader says, “No!!! Why are they doing this to us?”

“WHO!?” says Andy Tauer.

“Her evil kind!!” he says, hallucinating.

“HER EVIL KIND!?” says Nancy.

“The chosen ones.” he says, like he’s psychotic.

“Who are they?” asks Hezbollah.

“Us?” asks Israel.

“No. You losers. No.” he says. He rolls his eyes.

“So you’re using her genius against her…by keeping everything conceptual?” asks Dr. Moritz.

“She calmed us down by telling us everything is conceptual when she accidentally found us. In 2016.” says the Illuminati. “And it worked. It’s a very philosophical approach to dealing with us. She also talked herself through the psychotic experience of telepathy using her grasp of philosophy.”

“But now you’re confused…because you use her philosophy against her. And you’re still taking it deadly seriously?” asks Andy Tauer.

“Why does she need consensus!?” asks Casi.

“Because it’s part of science.” says Lacey.

Bach plays.

“How so?” asks Andy Tauer.

“I’d you all adamantly disagree with something to that degree it’s automatically a sincere concern.” says Lacey.

“To what degree are we disagreeing?” asks the DNC operative.

“You all started the Spanish Inquisition on me. In 2016.” says Lacey.

“Yes. Chris was that hurt. And he expressed that to me in tears. So I got it started.” says Diego.

“Chris…why were you so hurt?” asks Andy Tauer.

“Because I work extremely hard.” says Chris. “I have my whole life. And all my wife and I have to show for it is $6 million and my fame. And…she was impressed. But Diego said…she felt I was inferior.”

“Did I?” says Lacey.

“Yes!! You felt I was very inferior.” says Chris Hayes.

“What gave Diego that impression?” says Dr. Moritz.

“She was so…dignified.” says Chris.

“Yes! I couldn’t stand her dignity either.” says Casi.

“You’re mad at her for being dignified!?!” says Skippy Handelman.

“That’s crazy as shit.” says a reader.

“Well…I think Diego just expected everyone who wasn’t famous to be very shy and extremely awkward around him pretending to be me.” says Chris.

“And why did you feel so offended?” someone asks Casi.

“Because people don’t almost ever have that much dignity.” says Casi.

“Because they’re stupid compared to her.” says the CIA.

“Yeah. That’s rational.” says the guy from the DNC. “She understands social class. So…she was impressed…but not that impressed.”

“Casi you haven’t met lots super intelligent people. My graduating class at Harvard was almost entirely composed of people who are like her. Lots of elite people are like her. It’s very common.” says a CIA operative. “That’s part of Mark Zuckerberg’s public relations issue. He’s like Lacey and people apparently don’t understand her. But at Harvard and other super elite universities there were a lot of people like her. In the Millennial generation.”

“That’s true! Chris your group of friends are lacking in dignity. Or no? They’re…very laid-back people. Most of us aren’t like you. Even now.” says a man he graduated with at Brown. “And you know, you pretend to be like us. But obviously in private you’re not.”

“Yeah. I did the same act.” says JFK to Chris. “Lem was like Lacey. And this guy. I was like you and your friends.”

“Chris. What did Diego expect the conversation to go like?” asks Scott Fitzgerald.

“Let’s do it.” says Lacey.

“Chris…what if some of those people are faking you out?” offers Casi.

“I doubt it!” says Diego.

“Yikes.” says Casi.