“Hey.” says Diego impersonating Chris Hayes.
“Oh wow!!” says F. Scott Fitzgerald impersonating Lacey.
“Yeah. I’m Chris Hayes.” says Diego.
“NO!!” says Scott.
“No. For real. I am.” says Diego.
“AHHH!!” screams Scott in shock. He can barely recover.
“Hey! Cool down!
Let’s talk.” says Diego.
“I will try.
OH MY GOSH! I’m so overwhelmed.” says Scott.
“Don’t be.” says Diego.
“Okay. I’m so in shock.” says Scott. “What do you want from me? My body? My heart? My life?”
“Your mind!” says Diego.
“To do what!??” begs Scott.
“To entertain me.” says Diego.
“How!?” asks Scott, doing twirls and flips.
“That’ll do, I guess. Wow. You’re really impressed with me!” says Diego.
“YEAH!! I’m losing my mind I’m so impressed.” says Scott.
“Sorry. I guess I have that affect on people nowadays.” says Diego.
Scott drools in awe.
Scott goes into seizures in awe.
“So…do you love me now?” asks Scott, pleasing for his sanity and life he’s so in profound awe of Chris (Diego).
“No. I have a wife. And we have problems. But I’m never leaving her. Because she’s always been my rock. Sorry!” says Diego.
“WHAT!?!?!? Oh MY!!! OH NO!!!!” shrieks Scott (impersonating their idealized version of Lacey).
“Sorry!” says Diego. He shrugs.
“OH NO!! I have to kill myself now!” says Scott. “HOLD ON WHILE I GRAB SLEEPING PILLS!!!”
“Okay. Bye.
It’s okay. You were a loser anyway.” says Diego.
“WAS I!?” says Scott, pulling out his hair.
“NO. I’m kidding. It’s a joke. The joke is that you think you can even possibly be with me at all. It’s like fan fiction. You’re just a retarded idiot. Go shoot yourself and out your worthless brain out of its misery.” says Diego.
“Okay! Thank you!!” says Scott.
“Nothing doing.” says Diego, laughing.
Scott shoots himself in the head.
Diego pulls up his $500 pants and takes a deep breath of air. Looks around his house.
“Kate. DAHLING…let’s sail the Riviera! In a yacht!” says Diego in a sudden British accent, from the 1800’s.
“Oh! Lover! Let me go spray on some violet perfume.” says Kate psychotically impersonating a female Scottish aristocrat.
“Don’t dally around! We have a lot of things to do today!” says Diego.
“OH NO! My stars!” says JFK to Diego.
“What!?” says Diego.
“IS IT LOVE!?” JFK asks Diego.
“I shan’t say! I shall have to wait until we dance in Monteverdi. Under moonlight.” says Diego.
“I’LL kill myself!” says JFK. “Just like Marilyn Monroe!”
“Marilyn!?!” says Diego, deepening his voice.
“Yes! Marilyn! I’ve always wanted to be just like Marilyn!” says JFK, dreamily.
“Ha! Too bad. You shall leave me.” says Diego.
“Oh no. I’ll haunt you forever!” says JFK.
“Dammit. That’s sad!” says Diego.
And at that Diego and Kate rush off to Monteverdi with JFK following them in hot pursuit.
“Kate! Do you think that Donald J. Trump will win?” asks Diego behind the wheel of a huge, shiny, 24K gold detailed yacht.
“Hardly! We shall overcome! Like they say in the Negro spirituals. We shall OVERCOME!” she says, raising a fist into the air in certain triumph.
Diego gets a phone call from Kris Jenner, Kim Kardashian and Caitlin Jenner.
“Chris! DAHLING! Chris!!!” wails Kris Jenner almost having a seizure she’s so impressed.
“Ha!” says Diego in a posh voice of mild disdain.
“Oh Chris!!! We heard you had a suicide!” says Kris Jenner.
Diego remains silent.
“Chris! Are you a GOD NOW!??” asks Kris Jenner.
“Almost!” says Diego (impersonating Chris with a slight laugh).
“GOLLY!!!” says Kris.
“Well….that’s just how it goes. It’s just the way things are.” says Diego, loftily pulling up his pants again.
“Wow!!! Can we have sex!!?! Please!?!?” says Kim Kardashian.
“MMM. Well…I’m in love with my wife. So…. I’m not going to ever marry you. …But if you want to have sexual relations with me in that sexual danger zone of the soul…I will permit it.” says Diego.
“Oh Chris! You’re so wise!!!” says Kate. “My hero!!!”
“Chris I’ll pull out all of my hair if you don’t let me!” says Kim Kardashian.
“Okay. Well…next Friday.” says Diego. “At 3.”
“Whatever you say!!!” says Caitlyn.
Then they hang-up.
“I’M HERE!” announces JFK.
“Go away!” says Diego.
“NO! I hate you. And I hate life. And I need to go get married but will you be my best friend? I have to! Or else!” says JFK.
“I don’t care!!! I’m UNTOUCHABLE!” says Diego, fighting back tears.
“ARE YOU ALMOST CRYING!??” shrieks JFK.
“NO!!!” winces Diego, fighting back tears.
“YOU ARE UPSET!” says JFK. And at that he begins beating Diego over the head with the back of a gun.
“Aha! What REALLY HAPPENED!!” say the evil gay community.
“I CANNOT LIE ANY LONGER!” shouts Diego.
“Don’t! We’re free now! Let out your emotions and tell JFK how much you love him.” says the evil living gay community.
“I-“ says Diego. “I- I AM TOO POSH TO BE THAT VULNERABLE!”
“AHA! Also what happened!! We’re getting at truth!!” says the evil living gay community.
“Yes. I’m sorry. But I have ten yachts to sail. And 400 Brooks Brothers suits to have fitted. I can’t be bothered to be so human and normal. I have to be FABULOUS!” says Diego (impersonating Chris who is trying to become Lem Billings).
“NO!! Fuck you!!!” yells JFK, suddenly beating Lem over the head with a log. “I don’t have the mental capacity to figure out that I’m homosexual at all. I keep longing for you and getting hard every time you’re undressed in our dorm room…but…I’m too straight to be gay. And I cannot love you openly.” says JFK.
“OH GOODY! That’s what I love!!” says Diego, clapping his hands together. He suddenly miraculously has been given a new head on his neck as God is madly in awe of all gay men. His previous head lays on the deck, bloodied and beaten.
“Are we in love!??” says JFK.
“MMM…YES!!” says Diego.
“SHIT! This conversation never happened!” says JFK. “Okay? Okay God!?”
“Anything you say, Jack. You’re a Kennedy!” says the God they all possibly imagined existing.
And at that Diego and JFK sail off into a sunset for an hour tops before JFK has to lock him in a closet to make him behave.
“I’m back to feeling normal. I had tensions to relieve. But after taking that shit…I feel fine!” says JFK, laughing.
“You took a shit?” says Kate.
“Yes. I just pooped.” says JFK, matter-of-factly.
“Where is my husband?” asks Kate, slightly scared now.
“I don’t know. I don’t care.” says JFK. “Get out of my blessed face, you ugly Hellion.”
And at that Kate slaps herself to death as JFK watches and laughs.
The Four Seasons: Winter by Vivaldi plays as performed by Gottfried von der Goltz.
She dies. Falls off the yacht into the ocean and drowns.
“Huh. I wonder what that was all about?” asks JFK. He shrugs. Flies away on a giant eagle.
Landing in the White House he makes love with Joe Biden before Kate and Chris (Diego) show up for high tea.
“I decided not to invite the Queen of England. Loser!” says Diego.
“Ha! You’re my favorite person, Chris.” says JFK.
“Yup! More of what really happens, in reality.” say all living evil gay men.
A flood overtakes the streets of Amsterdam and it looks like New Orleans during Katrina.
“Why is there flooding in Amsterdam?” asks Joe Biden, having high tea with Chris, Kate and JFK.
“Ahh! Global Warming!” says Diego. “We’re all toast!” he says, laughing posh and mighty.
“Why?” asks Joe Biden.
“Excuse me. I need to go snort my cocaine for the hour.” says JFK, also in a posh manner. He abruptly walks off.
“Global Warming!” says Diego, moving on to caviar and champagne.
“Huh.” says Joe Biden.
And at that snakes overtake the Oval Office.
“Hi!!” says Joe Biden.
“Oh dear. What fun!” says Diego, trying to remain posh and merry.
A giant snake who just ate JFK slithers in and moves around the Oval Office.
“I think I’ll take a nap!” says Joe Biden. He casually walks off and goes to his room to take a nap.
“Why are we being persecuted this way by the British Aristocracy!??” shouts Diego, indignantly.
“I’m Jewish.” says Kate.
“Oh! That’s why!
Say…why don’t you all try to be nicer?” Diego asks her.
“Because we’re too stupid.” says Kate. “Just like Seinfeld, and Jeffrey Epstein. We just don’t get it.”
“That’s embarrassing.
Want to fly away? I have wings.” says Diego.
“Okay. Sounds good honey.” says Kate, stupidly.
She climbs on his back and they fly to home.
When at home they eat dry cereal in their newly remodeled kitchen and laugh.
“This is by far one of our best adventures.” says Diego to Kate.
She falls asleep.
“Gee. I’m the luckiest guy in the whole world. And all I needed to do was make myself see that.” says Diego. He opens the windows of his brownstone and looks up at the moon.
anemone by slenderbodies plays.
“I’m human after all.” says Diego. He fondly regards himself as drops of dew fall on his face and the Earth stands in awe of him.
The song plays.
“That’s the delusion a lot of you live in.” says Scott Fitzgerald.
Keen to Cross the Pond 