“Sickos II” by Skippy Handelman

“Why are you all obsessed with discrediting the Nesheims?” asks Skippy.

“Because no one will believe we’re that pathetic.” says the DNC.

“Diego was hurt and so was Chris. So…this was our way of handling it. Lean in. And never let go. Because who would believe we’re that stupid?” says the DNC, turning on itself.

“Why does she need our approval if it’s real?” asks Andy Tauer.

“Because it’s all so theoretical.” says Lacey.

Flow by Crooked Colours plays.

“What’s theoretical?” asks Louis Vuitton.

“A great many things.” says Lacey.

Andy Tauer looks confused. “How can owning trillions in oil be theoretical?”

“Because it’s all conceptual.” says Lacey.

“WHAT!?” he says.

“Yes. You’re digging really deep into her personality to feel superior in Liberal America. And you’ve lost your minds. But let’s keep talking.” says Carole Lombard.

“So you mean everything is CONCEPTUAL!?” says Chris Hayes.

“Not everything. But…the idea of North Dakota itself is a mere concept.” says Lacey.

Skippy Handelman, a fictional character, laughs.

“Lem was straight.” says Andy Tauer. “He actually does seem straight. But…I’m playing along for some reason.”

“That doesn’t hurt you!??” asks MSNBC, in terror.

“HURT ME!?” says Andy Tauer.

“Yeah!” says MSNBC.

“No. Because he just doesn’t seem authentic.

It’s skin-deep on him. It isn’t on me.

She could never find me that attractive. I’m too gay. Why is that hurtful?” says Andy Tauer.

“Because you’re so gay she can’t find you attractive! That would hurt anyone!” says a Gen. Z member of the Illuminati.

“AHH…no.” says Andy Tauer, looking confused. “I like men! She’s a woman.”

“What if she’s a man!??” says MSNBC.

“She’s not.” says Andy Tauer.

High on several drugs, a Democrat leader says, “No!!! Why are they doing this to us?”

“WHO!?” says Andy Tauer.

“Her evil kind!!” he says, hallucinating.

“HER EVIL KIND!?” says Nancy.

“The chosen ones.” he says, like he’s psychotic.

“Who are they?” asks Hezbollah.

“Us?” asks Israel.

“No. You losers. No.” he says. He rolls his eyes.

“So you’re using her genius against her…by keeping everything conceptual?” asks Dr. Moritz.

“She calmed us down by telling us everything is conceptual when she accidentally found us. In 2016.” says the Illuminati. “And it worked. It’s a very philosophical approach to dealing with us. She also talked herself through the psychotic experience of telepathy using her grasp of philosophy.”

“But now you’re confused…because you use her philosophy against her. And you’re still taking it deadly seriously?” asks Andy Tauer.

“Why does she need consensus!?” asks Casi.

“Because it’s part of science.” says Lacey.

Bach plays.

“How so?” asks Andy Tauer.

“I’d you all adamantly disagree with something to that degree it’s automatically a sincere concern.” says Lacey.

“To what degree are we disagreeing?” asks the DNC operative.

“You all started the Spanish Inquisition on me. In 2016.” says Lacey.

“Yes. Chris was that hurt. And he expressed that to me in tears. So I got it started.” says Diego.

“Chris…why were you so hurt?” asks Andy Tauer.

“Because I work extremely hard.” says Chris. “I have my whole life. And all my wife and I have to show for it is $6 million and my fame. And…she was impressed. But Diego said…she felt I was inferior.”

“Did I?” says Lacey.

“Yes!! You felt I was very inferior.” says Chris Hayes.

“What gave Diego that impression?” says Dr. Moritz.

“She was so…dignified.” says Chris.

“Yes! I couldn’t stand her dignity either.” says Casi.

“You’re mad at her for being dignified!?!” says Skippy Handelman.

“That’s crazy as shit.” says a reader.

“Well…I think Diego just expected everyone who wasn’t famous to be very shy and extremely awkward around him pretending to be me.” says Chris.

“And why did you feel so offended?” someone asks Casi.

“Because people don’t almost ever have that much dignity.” says Casi.

“Because they’re stupid compared to her.” says the CIA.

“Yeah. That’s rational.” says the guy from the DNC. “She understands social class. So…she was impressed…but not that impressed.”

“Casi you haven’t met lots super intelligent people. My graduating class at Harvard was almost entirely composed of people who are like her. Lots of elite people are like her. It’s very common.” says a CIA operative. “That’s part of Mark Zuckerberg’s public relations issue. He’s like Lacey and people apparently don’t understand her. But at Harvard and other super elite universities there were a lot of people like her. In the Millennial generation.”

“That’s true! Chris your group of friends are lacking in dignity. Or no? They’re…very laid-back people. Most of us aren’t like you. Even now.” says a man he graduated with at Brown. “And you know, you pretend to be like us. But obviously in private you’re not.”

“Yeah. I did the same act.” says JFK to Chris. “Lem was like Lacey. And this guy. I was like you and your friends.”

“Chris. What did Diego expect the conversation to go like?” asks Scott Fitzgerald.

“Let’s do it.” says Lacey.

“Chris…what if some of those people are faking you out?” offers Casi.

“I doubt it!” says Diego.

“Yikes.” says Casi.