“I Was Constantine” by Lem

I was very familiar with Dionysus. So is Lacey.

If there’s reincarnation I was literally Emperor Constantine. I’m not ignorant. Are you?

Lacey isn’t ignorant either.

Stop trying to one up us.

JFK dances like a fucking idiot to Shotput by Still Woozy. He’s one of the retarded dumbasses who ran things in the 20th Century after nobility died off in WWI and II. The American Century. When cloistered, naive and narcissistic celebrities took over leadership of the whole world. Not real leadership. Just whatever they could figure out.

They have no idea what they’re doing. But they call their rightful fear “imposter syndrome” to feel less freaked-out.

“We never had imposter syndrome.” says the Greatest Generation. “And it’s not as if we didn’t accomplish anything.”

“So are actually imposters?” asks an actress.

“YES!!!” yells Truman. “Grow up! You are all slightly dishonest. There are too many shortcuts to success and not enough order. So it is…fake. Look…just try to actually do your job and live. And if you’re too insecure then let yourself feel fear. That’s possibly just a little dose of common sense. Not some sort of insanity.”

“I feel that all the time.” says Chris Hayes.

“Maybe you are fake.” says Truman.

“But I worked for it!” says Chris Hayes.

“So!? You’re the same person.” says former President Truman.

“Yeah. We never expected to stop being ourselves.” says a dead Greatest Generation member

“Didn’t you sometimes change a lot though?” asks MSNBC.

“Not that much.” says the man. “Maybe slightly. But not much.” he says.

“We invented that narrative in popular fiction in the 1980’s.” says a screenwriter. “And…it was slightly real. But not really. It was inspired by the yuppies. They were people who seemed so ‘grounded’ and then became arrogant and posh once they had money. But in reality they hadn’t changed that much. They were just showing their true colors.

The idea of social mobility was explored a lot on screen in the 1930’s. With mostly female protagonists. But it was a Hollywood treatment and in reality people always recalled their roots. That’s just sanity.”

“The idea was not to be overcome by it. But let it inform you.” says Lacey.

“Lacey I think most peasants associate poverty with immorality. And wealth with God.” says Mr. Cologne 76.

“There could be some correlation. But if you’re a Christian you can trust Christ to help you overcome.” says Lacey.

“And sort out the evil from the redeemable human reality.” says Ray Charles.

“Yeah! That’s the best part of Liberal America.” says Andy Tauer.

“That’s ME.” says Lacey. “And I’ve left.”

“That’s not me. But I’ve left too.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“Lem did you really impersonate a gay man?” asks Andy Tauer.

“Yes.” says Lem.

“Has she ever made up that theory?” asks a gay reader.

“NO! Never.” says Lem.

“Wait!!! Hold on!!” shouts a demon working with the DNC. “Don’t believe that.”

“WHY!?” asks Lemmers.

“Because! He’s gay!!” says the demon. “Red Fay said so!”

“No. I didn’t.” says Red Fay.

“Oh well. She’s a bitch!” says the DNC.

“Did I destroy the Democratic Party?” asks JP Kennedy.

Awkward silence.

“It took a while. But possibly.” says a dead woman.

“So she never made up you telling her you were straight?” asks a gay man.

“No.” says Lem.

“Then I think you might have been straight.” says the gay man. “You do seem capable of that.”

“Really?” says Lacey.

“Yeah! He’s…not…okay.” says the gay man.

“What do you mean?” asks Andy Tauer.

“He’s…disturbed somehow.” he says. “Look…I don’t think you realize how fake we are.” he says to Lacey. “You can read us. Okay? Actually some of us can too. But…we’re so…fake anyway.”

“Does Jack seem gay to you?” asks another gay man.

He thinks. “Yeah. More bisexual.”

“Do I seem gay?” asks Andy Tauer.

He laughs. “Why the fuck would you not know that? YES! You seem incredibly gay.”

“So that is an insult to you?” says the DNC.

“Maybe.” admits Andy Tauer.

Later.

“There’s no way Lem was gay at all. It’s psychologically impossible.” says a living gay man.

“Is it?” asks Andy Tauer.

“Yes. I study body language for Iran. And I’ve analyzed him. For purposes of national security. He’s not easy to read. But…you eventually can tell that he’s straight. And no…he’s psychologically incapable of being gay.” he says.

“At all?” asks another gay man.

“Yeah. At all.” says the gay man.

“He’s…very handsome but also very awkward. And that’s my best explanation. I think he was…a very good actor. And he genuinely believed and bought into the idea that he was gay. But it just wasn’t true. And he didn’t have to tell Lacey that…but something tells me Elliott or something else made him. She was seeing Elliott very seriously when he stole her from Elliott. So…the possibilities are endless, so to speak. But there’s no way he was genuinely attracted to men.” he says.

“There’s no way?” asks Hollywood.

“Nope. No way. It’s impossible. Our faces and bodies are far more honest than we think.” says the Iranian.

“Can you subvert that?” asks Jay Z.

“You can be a child. Children have a different psychology than adults.

But no…adults can never fully lie. Not a human adult. Maybe aliens can? Maybe not. If they even exist. …A demon possessed or supernaturally possessed human could lie. But that’s…miraculous. That’s not something that happens almost ever.” he says.

“See. I was wondering if Lacey possessed Lem to fool us!” says a gay male hater of hers.

“That’s mildly insane. You can’t just be rational?” says the Iranian. “Because that’s…

The psychology of that is close to impossible. It would require a psychological framework for her that’s close to impossible, if not impossible.”

“You can’t just make it true!?” says the hateful gay man, sincerely. “You can’t just fiddle with it?”

“No. That’s impossible.

Look…that would have taken a profound amount of energy. She would have had to completely possess him on numerous occasions for hours and hours.” says the Iranian. “And…they’d have had to have consensual sex. Also reincarnation would have to be true. Umm…actually they’d have had to trade bodies. For hours. And no…gaining that sort of access…requires sex. In this case. So…I don’t think it’s possible. That would bring us back to square one of him being straight.

He does look gay. But that’s…very easily an act.” says the Iranian.

“How easy is that?” asks a perfume collector.

“Extremely easy! You just have to have observational abilities and dedication.

In my years of working I’ve pretended to be a convincing woman, old Hispanic man, British man, American man, Jew, and Asian. I’ve been gay, straight, bisexual and queer. I’m straight. But…it’s something I can do.” he says.

“Where does Lem mess-up?” asks Mira.

“He doesn’t realize he’s acting. He thinks he’s gay. So he doesn’t put the act together from start to finish. That’s his biggest mistake. He thinks he’s cultivating a sophisticated persona. But no…it’s not who he is. He’s not gay. It’s just an act.

Where are his other tells? He’s too gay. It’s exaggerated. And it’s too feminine. It becomes more of an impersonation of a woman than a gay man. And he’s…too…indifferent. Gay men aren’t generally as consistently indifferent to things, or at least that’s not their public reaction. Even bisexual men are like that. Whereas straight men tend to be…often slightly indifferent or ambiguous. It’s part of how they maintain power. They’re always vaguely above it all. Lem has that very strongly in his personality always.” says the Iranian.

“Yeah. Dammit that’s true.” says Joe Biden.

“What gets me is trying to analyze why Jack didn’t notice. I get it. He was likely a clinical narcissist. But…it’s kind of bizarre. He usually narcissistic people still are triggered and are forced to painfully process it.” says the Iranian.

“Could he have been autistic?” asks Greta.

“That’s an interesting question.

He did lack an certain ability to seemingly receive feedback. Or engage. But…that’s severe autism. He doesn’t display other symptoms of autism.

No. It’s a perfect storm, so to speak. He’s dead and blind. Lem is genuinely confused. And they just play off of each other. It’s far more serious than you might imagine.” he says.

“You know in the 1990’s they weren’t as sold on Lem being gay. They wondered if he was asexual even. What happened?!?” says Lacey.

“I think it was the Gay Rights Movement.” says a Swede. “It’s just an objective, obvious possibility. See…the Kennedys are a political family. And with the rise of the Gay Rights Movement they were looking for some way to stay relevant.” says the Swede. “So they conjured up this kind of…new mythology…surrounding Lem Billings…to seem cool again.”

“Did they know he wasn’t gay?” asks another Swede.

“I doubt they cared!” says the first Swede.

“Yah.” says the second Swede.

Later.

“How do we know he was gay?” asks a living gay man.

“You think that based on Wikipedia!” says the Swede.

“Well where did the friends from the 1970’s come up with the idea?” asks the gay man.

“Those people are hard to locate.” says the Swede. “But if we know who they are we suspect they were fabricated, fictional characters made up by Bobby Kennedy Junior and his family, or they were men who knew Lem but not as well as they assumed.”

“WHAT!!?” says a living gay man.

“Yes. It’s an arrogant assumption. He waivered on the issue somehow or was uncomfortable in conversation about it. We know that’s true. Wikipedia at least admits that. And they suggests undiscovered and undisclosed information. His friends assumed he was gay based on suspicious facts. They assumed he gay based on…presumptions. People are, in fact, far more complicated than that. And it’s very possible he hid information from himself and others or was too confused to express himself in action or word clearly.” says the Swede.

“He was…cold. He was cold to men. Men who he was supposed to be dating.” says a Danish man.

“Why did they assume he was gay!?” asks a German woman.

“They needed him to be.” says another German.

“So it’s all just a lie?” says a living gay man.

“Here’s what I want to know!!!” yells an irate, white supremacist. “WHY ARE YOU SO DAMN GULLIBLE?!?”

“We were told faulty information.” says a living gay man.

“SO WHAT!? …If Lacey can read him as straight…why can’t y’all do that too?” he asks. “Aren’t y’all bragging about your gaydar?”

“But who acts gay!? Back then, especially.” says a living gay man.

“Who GIVES A SHIT!?” he yells. “It’s possible.”

“Yes. But it’s not common or likely.” says another gay man.

“Fine. But y’all make way too many assumptions.” he says, still disgruntled.

“Yeah. Why not just…be open to the possibility?” asks an Eastern European woman.

They awkwardly go quiet.

“Say! Why can’t Lacey get any peace of mind? Why are you all messing around with her love life?” he asks. “My pet theory is that you’re all just liars.

You’re not trying to have a real conversation. You’re just trying to harass her. And you refuse to accept that it’s never made any damn sense.” says the white supremacist.

“Yeah. See…that’s what I think.” says a woman in Northern Minnesota. “You all conjured up Elsie to steal Louis. And I’m sure she’d be with him otherwise, unless Lem got involved.”

“Yeah. I mean…if she’s not schizophrenic she’s being attacked because I was offended.” says Diego.

“You were trying to end the world!” says a Hispanic woman.

“Yeah.” says Diego.

“So…you were all offended by her lack of being impressed?” asks a Native American woman.

“Yes. And they were mad at Republicans and so they contorted her and confirmed her as a white trash, peasant conservative.” says a Bush.

“Makes sense.” says the Native American woman.

“But that’s not what she is.” says a middle class woman.

“No. But…they felt they didn’t have to care. Because her aesthetic seemed ‘close enough.’” says the Bush family member.

“It’s not. But I think people have seen it that way.” says a Norwegian.

“How do we keep reading that?” asks the evil Illuminati.

“That’s where you’re all so damn stupid.” says Russia. “You’re reading her reading herself.”

“She’s reading…white trash people she’s known. As herself.” says M6.

“WHY!?” says Casi.

“Because she’s Lacey. She’s very eccentric. Let’s find out.” says Sweden.

“Because…I don’t want to be myself.” says Lacey.

“Oh. You want to be white trash?” says Casi. “Interesting!”

“No. I doubt it.

It’s more…that I’m saving the truth for something. Or was. Before I got too distracted.” says Lacey.

“So you were going to keep yourself company by lying?” asks a reader.

“Yes. Possibly!” says Lacey. She thinks. “Not quite lying. More or less waiting for pertinent information.

I’ve been very socially deprived. So I think I tend to analyze things…very carefully and slowly to savor any and all contact I have with people.” says Lacey.

“That’s extremely sad.” says a woman.

“Well…that’s just my life.” says Lacey.

“So you were waiting to figure out that we were beneath you?” asks Casi.

“I hadn’t even began to analyze that yet.” says Lacey.

“Wow. You guys really fucked-up.” says a reader to the perfume community.

“She was so sophisticated though in her comments.” says Casi.

“Yes. But that’s the thing. I’m not stupid or backward. Just…starving.” says Lacey.

“So…she’s too elite to fit in. And too old fashioned.” says a dead man.

“Crap!” says a perfume collector.

“Why weren’t you guys just nice to her?” asks a woman.

“Because we got too jealous.” says a perfume collector.

“Is it really that simple?” asks the reader.

“Yeah? Mostly. …I think that’s sadly most of it.” says a perfume collector.

“Shit.” says the reader. “I’m jealous of her too.”

“Why?” asks Casi.

“She’s totally untouchable.” says the reader. “It feels like you can’t truly affect her. And it’s…not her doing. But I understand that.

There are people like that. Crazy people. Eccentric people. Extremely rich people. Really sick people. Just…unusual people. And they’re untouchable. To some degree. And…she’s like that. And I’m not sure why you couldn’t just let her be that.” says the reader.

“We don’t have that much that much sense.” says a Chanel fan.

“Yeah! Why!?” asks a reader.

“We got too confused and too jealous.” says the perfume community.