Author Archives: L.

“So the issue of JFK’s balls.” says Ancient Africa.

“Yes!” says JFK.

“You really don’t have them?” asks Ancient Africa.

“No.” says JFK. “What are balls?”

“Testicles!” says Ancient Africa.

“I have testicles. I do not have balls.” says JFK.

“BOOYAH!” says evil white trash America.

“What’s the difference?” asks Lacey.

“Balls are for…male courage.” says JFK. “I had testicles. They are the elite version of balls.”

“You didn’t create your kids with testicles.” says Lacey.

“You said that.” says Lem.

“And you don’t just lie. Right?” says Lacey.

“No. I do not lie.” says JFK.

“Then where did your kids come from. Women can’t produce sperm.” says Lacey.

“I think Lem.” says JFK, accusingly.

“Nope! Those aren’t my kids.” says Lem.

“Jack those just aren’t your kids.” says a reader.

“Greta you’re an Ancient, posh, sophisticated African. If there’s reincarnation in the Bible.” says a dead Black slave.

“I prefer not to think about it. It’s too sad.” says Greta.

“Damn, Greta. Really?” says a living Black woman.

Greta weeps. “Don’t expect me to be perfect. I’m sorry. I fail.

But yes…it was BEAUTIFUL!” she says.

“Greta what was it like?” asks another living Black woman.

“It was very temperate. Breezy.

Lush foliage. Beautiful natural flowers.

Waterfalls.

Good food. Fun.” says Greta.

“Did we have gemstones back then?” asks a living Black man.

“Yes. Roughly mined gemstones. Rubies. Lots of beautiful stones.” says Greta.

“What happened to all of them?” asks a living Black man.

“I worry. It’s mysterious to me.” says Greta.

“Don’t worry. We’ll find them.” says a living Black man.

“Not necessarily! We might have buried them.” says Greta.

“Why?” asks the Mayor of Saint Paul.

“Yes! For safety reasons!” says Greta. “We may also have dumped them in the ocean.”

“Huh!” says the Mayor of Saint Paul.

“Yeah. It was for safety reasons.” says Greta.

“What were you afraid of?” he asks.

“Invasion.” says Greta.

“That’s very rational.” says the Mayor of Saint Paul.

“Yeah. But stones don’t do the job of Christ.” says a former witch.

“Well…our impression was that we needed to…throw them.” says Greta. “If I was there.”

“Did it seem effective for a while?” asks the former witch.

“For 30 years or so?” says Greta.

“That’s not that long.” says the Ancient African man.

“No. But it seemed effective for a while.” says Greta.

“Jack…who had your kids?” asks another white American woman.

“No! It’s gone too far.

Those are MY KIDS!!” yells JFK, in a huff.

“No. You said they can’t be.” says Ancient Assyria.

“I was joking.” says JFK.

“We can’t tell and we don’t have time for this.” says Ancient Assyria.

“GIVE ME THE MONEY!!” yells the angry evil white trash woman in the trailer park.

“That’s Lacey! Right?” asks Liberal America.

“No!!!” yells the GOP in horror. “How the fuck did you all become SO fucking wrong?”

“They messed-up first with slavery.” says a dead Black man. “And then messed up just as badly with their tolerance of evil in the later half of the 20th Century. Not just their own evil but the evils of the Republican Party too.”

“Like what!?” asks Ted Cruz.

“You know I can’t tell you. We’ve lost free speech thanks to them.” says the dead Black man.

“Where did that start?” asks Ted Cruz.

“It’s OKAY I GET YOUR MONEY!!” says Bobby Kennedy Junior running breathlessly through the streets of Bangkok. In his spirit. “It’s okay. I get your money.” he says. He’s like an Asian combination of Borat and Michael Scott from The Office slightly. And breathless and desperate and possibly a bit evil he races. “I get the money. RELAX!”

“Bobby, who are you going to get the money from?” asks Caitlyn Jenner.

“I find someone rich. Explain my problem and they help me out. I’d be very convincing. I say, ‘I need this! I need this money! You understand?’ And they help me.” says Bobby.

“Bobby, why are they helping you?” asks Ancient Africa.

“Because they are love and charity and kindness, and my people are rich! We are rich people.

I will save the world! With my help you hang on!

I’ll be right back!

No, there is no a problem. We build the skyscrapera! They are huge! I’m very rich! We are very rich people!

Chill, relax, white niggers!” says Bobby.

“But Bobby- No, that’s not- Bobby that’s their money not our money. Bobby that’s their money.” says an upper class Chinese woman to Bobby Kennedy Junior.

“No, that’s it!

No. Right?

No, that’s not what I was taught in Sunday school growing up as a little boy. I was taught that all money in the world belongs to everyone. It belongs to all of us. It is unequally distributed by Satan. So if I find right men in China and I say, ‘It is evil! You give me your money! That’s evil for me not have it! You are you evil! You mistaken!’ He will give it to me.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior, breathlessly.

“Oh no, no that’s not true.

And I’ve had to call people over here to protect me from you because I’m a little scared about what you’re going to do.

Look…if there’s reincarnation in the Bible your Kennedy family messed you up.

Bobby…you’re thinking of Communism not Christianity.

It’s a fallen world, Bobby, and there are different people with different levels of ability and evil so wealth can’t be equally distributed in that way at this time.

Yep! *Bobby starts trying to beat her* Bobby…don’t hit me! You need to stop trying to hit me.” says the upper class Chinese woman as Bobby tries to hit her.

“Why are you stealing my mommy? You are my life! You steal me! You ugly fucking bitch!” yells Bobby.

“Bobby that’s not me. That’s somebody else.” she says.

“I know I have to be stupid fucking Irishman. Oh my kids look like that too! Oh it’s no chill. Fuck this shit!

No, don’t tell me more about the Irish.

I am not interested in hearing more of your lies! No, this stupid-stupid, fucking shit! I wanna go back! I wanna go back.

No don’t cry at me you bitch! I wanna go back you assholes! You make me do this! I hate you asshole! You a fucking bitch, Ethel! Mommy-mommy, I hate you!

I gotta go back!” yells Bobby.

“Bobby, where did you grow up in China?” asks Humphrey Bogart.

“Why I got to talk to you? Why I gotta talk to you, bitch!?” yells Bobby.

“Just answer the question.” asks Humphrey Bogart.

“ I grew up in a small apartment in city in the 1800s my dad was tired all time from work. My mother was always pregnant but we only have four siblings so us mysterious way that’s funny my mommy now is very capable of having lots of kids, but my mommy in China only have four and she is totally on capable is very difficult for her. She’s tired all the time, so we don’t have a lot of money you see but we have a house. We have a apartment in city but I come from very important family. We are warriors know that we are warriors in my family for a great dynasty. We fight in the military we got important, but not so much when I was alive and I was like if we pretty much just you know hanging on trying to make it as they say, but in my family, we are heroes we are heroes of the people of the dynasty that’s a public. I don’t want to talk about that as a lie no no no say that’s what makes me angry. We were poor but we were very hot and we have a apartment that was queen. I have four siblings, my mom and dad were alive, even though they were tired all the time and we stay together I will be honorable communism doesn’t do that communism forces you to have to share everything with people, but I didn’t realize that I was indoctrinated by my family and my church lying assholes. I’m sorry, but I am sick of the Kennedys and I wish people if there’s be in Carnation, you can kiss my ass!” he says.

“ no no see he like me with Aiden. It’s cool you just gotta loosen up man you just gotta loosen up that’s why I keep trying to tell you you got to chill out it’s not that big of a deal.” says JFK’s something.

“ oh, fuck you yeah you think we are like just because you’re Japanese and we have similar problems speaking in English English language is complicated and is not my native tongue. It is being carnation I cover fruit with the Boston accent all the time, so did you you fucker but your Japanese is not Chinese I am Chinese do you think we get along overtime? You loser fuck that shit that’s not the story accurate at all I don’t know about his people but my family we are warriors and we do fine thank you very much dumb ass!” says Bobby to JFK’s something.

“ give him he is a horrible person who deserves enormous punishment, and praying for his evil!” says JFK’s something.

“ the issue a lot of city intellectuals have both of you on this blog is that you seem like Asian stereotypes in the movies I would just like to point out that those stereotypes came from somewhere and then just get invented out of nowhere. I’m sorry you’re both from rather ignorant, backward families, correct?” says Lauren Bacall.

“ no fucking shit who is there? No no Asian people in my time sound like that some of them sound super sophisticated but I’m not one of them and I sound like kind of a stupid person but I’m not stupid see you have to understand Asian culture to understand that those stereotypes are necessarily insulting, am I still smarter than some white people you just don’t even know which I know that and it went to his head and he thought he somehow magical listen my kids and my kids and if they wanna be Chinese with their dad if he is being hot ass in the Bible, I will apply them for their intelligence and maturity. I’m so sick of you fuckers!” says Bobby.

“ Call so so then Jack are Jack Junior and Caroline your kids or not?” asks the CIA.

“ oh, weird how much bullshit is hidden underneath the lie that Lacey is ugly. And not the lie that you’ve told yourselves, and hopefully not actually believed, unless if you’re blind or retarded in an evil way, but the lie that you’ve told her and forced her to take seriously as possible truth.” says Skippy Handelman.

“ I will not hurt her mother Margy invented that lie if she exist to feel less guilty about giving up her daughter.” says something. “ and the idea was that Tommy Banks was hot rich man, but kind of ugly and so her baby would be a monster and look like him and turns out Lacey more beautiful than Marji and Tommy Banks, handsome man when he was young emojis a stupid fucking idiot in that way, but that was like Marty told her self to feel less bad. It’s like the stupid asshole, he got me pregnant. I keep his baby cause I have morality, but I’m gonna Waze her because she’s super fucking ugly bitch. And the seat can’t find out she see her and she like three or four and six for Pontius because Lacey is so pretty and cute. If she actually Margie’s daughter, she look at her and she got a shirt she beautiful little girl with curly hair and big brown eyes look so sad And she got confused and she thinks his pretty little girl my little girl she put it out to me she put it on me Bess I was talk confusing about it so she fell pot in tears and then she picked Lacey‘s fingernails a light, pink, and then Lacey so pretty and dainty about the whole thing a lady like like an aristocrat and then Margy you feel like worthless piece of fucking shit.

And so then so the says emoji go fuck I wanna die. I stupid idiot English on my native tongue. I’m sorry and emoji so fuck I wanna die a stupid idiot an emoji think of killing herself, but she got talked out of it because she can’t Waze Lacey Lacey be away is by the Nesheims and then I’ll give her up because Becca didn’t even know that Lacey wasn’t her birth baby, so she’s been raised by these fools who didn’t even notice that she wasn’t Deas completely at least right yeah answer them and so then tell me with Deb and Jim is not capable of being honest and saw Marji don’t know what to do emoji Eva overdose on cocaine or is she still fucked up, if that’s what happened that’s a sad story and now you know.” says Bobby’s brother from his last life of there’s reincarnation.

“ I I’m still trying to figure out who brought Jack Junior and Caroline into the world if it wasn’t JFK.” says Ancient Africa.

“ yes, let’s get back to that that’s exactly right.” says Lacey, annoyed.

“It’s me!!” yells JFK.

“No.” yells reality.

“Reality is taking my kids away!!!” yells JFK.

“That’s okay. They’re mine.” says Aristotle Onassis. “Caroline do you believe reincarnation is possible in the Bible? Be honest.”

“Yes.” says Caroline.

“Then you were supposed to be my birth daughter. So was your brother. I’m sorry. I messed-up.” says Ari Onassis.

Caroline throws a table off a yacht.

Ari laughs.

“That’s not funny to you.” she says.

He bats his hand at her to silence her.

“You should have had me!” she screams.

“I am right.” he says. “We’ll talk later.”

“Why you crying momma?” JFK asks his Japanese mother in 2023.

“You have no testies.” she says.

He laughs at her. “You sound stupid.” he says harshly, embarrassed by her. He motions to someone to help her talk.

“You have no testicles.” she says slowly.

He shrugs.

“Jack!” she says in a panic.

“What!?” he says laughing at her.

Succession (Main Title Theme) by Nicholas Britell plays.

“You have no balls.” she says.

“Why not?” he asks.

“You made Lem suck your cock. And he crazy. He not know. For real. …And I vouch for you. But you and me are…evil. And we try to hurt his wife. And family. So you don’t feel so bad. But that’s evil. Because you want something you can’t have. You want to be part of her. Not her. Just 3/4 of her. Or 1/4 of her. And then you discard the rest like it’s trash. Her soul. Her spirit. All a mistake.” says his Japanese mother.

“I agree.” says Casi. “I’ve come to feel that way too.”

Flow by Crooked Colours plays.

“Where’s Joseph?” asks Lacey.

“Of Egypt?” asks Skippy Handelman.

“Yes!” says Lacey, brightly.

“Here!” says Skippy.

“Alright. Can you explain something to me.

Do I look like the image I see in the mirror? I’ve consistently seen it since I was a child.” says Lacey to Skippy.

God allows him to see the image she sees and the one he sees, etc..

“You look like image you see in the mirror. Except you look better than that.” says Skippy.

“That’s not what the dead and the living have told me my whole life. Jack has always tried to tell me I look exactly like him but stupider. He evens manifests beneath my nose when I’m not looking at myself to fool me. …But he can’t actually possess me. So I know it’s a lie. But I’m so profoundly harassed I’m getting too confused not to clear this up.” says Lacey. “Lem isn’t allowed to. And Bobby married such ugly women he insisted were better looking than me. …No. I needed to clear this up. Once and for all. …I was going to let a loving husband clear it up as a sort of psychological gift. …But I can’t do that anymore. It’s too dangerous.” says Lacey.

“No. You look like you do in the mirror. But better.” says Skippy Handelman.

“You aren’t the breaking the Ten Commandments to tell me that? Are you?” asks Lacey.

“No!” he says.

“You promise on the Bible? Or the Torah? Or whatever God would use?” asks Lacey, with pleading sincerity.

“Yes.” he says.

“Alright.” says Lacey. “Thank you.” She thinks and is automatically sadistically harassed by JFK’s conjured shreds of residual something. People in America and worldwide throw him at Lacey on cue. It’s unclear why. But Lacey doesn’t at all seem deserve the hatred people throw at her. It’s freaky and bizarre. Like…Twilight Zone creepy. Like people are zombies with Lacey destroyed by the Kennedy family z from obtaining their full consciousness in regard to Lacey.

“Chris you and Diego lied too much. And you keep lying. It’s impossible for the Illuminati to cover for you anymore. We had no idea it was this bad, but you did. …And that’s why we can’t keep covering for you guys.” says the Illuminati.

“So you’re covering for her because she’s rich?” barks a poor Spanish woman who’s a maid.

“No!!! It’s not like that.

See…we’re the Illuminati. Not a country club.” says the Illuminati.

“NO! YOU SHUT-UP!

YOU FUCKERS SHUT-UP.

I TELL YOU. I TELL YOU TO FUCK ME.” she says, dancing sexy.

“That’s my mom in Japan. We rock your ass!” says JFK, sincerely.

No one in the Illuminati fucks her. She’s not to be deterred or at all insulted. She sincerely assumes they’re all retarded and worthless instead.

“Are we what we see of each other?” Lacey asks God, for clarification.

Lacey listens by the voice of God is too drowned out by evil to hear right away. She keeps listening.

She listens.

“Yes.” God says by putting her on a spiritual wavelength of a non-Christian musician. Her wavelength has been obsessively attacked by the Kennedys both living and dead.

“SICK BURN!” says a Kennedy to Lacey about the last paragraph.

“Oh my God! You could be killed for saying that about us. Or rightfully imprisoned!” says another Kennedy to Lacey.

“NO-“ starts Lacey but they interrupt her.

“What the fuck!??” yells Bobby. He often pretends to be secretly protecting Lacey.

“No. That’s all impossible.” says Lacey to the Kennedys.

“Okay. But then you nigger don’t get to be all hoity toity with me. Nah! Y’all shit. You a nigger!” says the Hispanic woman to Lacey.

“Yeah. If the shoe fits wear it! I’m sexually superior whiter and superior. Kiss my white ass!” says AOC to Lacey, shaking her butt like a football star winning the game.

“No. She’s right. The Ancient Egyptians were far more white than Black.” says Skippy Handelman.

“NO!!!!” screams white-trash-America.

“What, that’s science?” asks the Hispanic maid, sincerely seeking answers.

“YES!!” says Skippy.

“That’s not what I like!!” shrieks Jada Smith, on behalf of herds of Black American women who have their egos hurt by the concept of Ancient Egypt being white.

“No. See…we were superior too.” says Ancient Africa.

“YES!” says Lacey, confused.

“That wasn’t us.” says Black America.

“THAT WASN’T YOU!??” shrieks Ancient Africa.

“No. Right!? You lying mother-fucker!“ yells Black America at Africa.

“No. You’re us.” says Ancient Africa, confused.

“But then we poor!” says Black America.

“NOOO!!!” bellows Ancient Africa ready to rip apart the Earth.

“See be telling me that. But nah. She’s a lying nigger.” says Jada to other Black women.

“No. She’s not lying.

Why are you so deranged?” Africa asks Jada.

“We cannot have been that posh?” asks a Black woman.

“No. We were just as aristocratic at Great Britain. But we…fell apart.” says Africa. “We weren’t as Godly. Necessarily. But we didn’t fully reject God either. It’s very complicated. Very complicated.

We were very elite.” says Africa. “We were extremely elite. No fooling.”

“But Egypt was white?” asks an American white historian who’s mad about his white trash background.

“YES!” says ancient Africa.

“Then Jada why are you so weird?” he asks, mounting an argument to attack both Egypt and Africa.

“Sort of white. Probably Egyptian. Like…Asian, Middle Eastern, slightly Black. Not really though.” says an Egyptian. “They looked like us.”

“No. They were whiter.” says an 1800’s Egyptologist.

“Oh. Right. Because we’re more Islamic looking than they were.” says a current Egyptologist.

“Yes. Exactly. They looked…somewhat more ancient. But also somewhat more white.” says the 1800’s Egyptologist.

“Maybe reincarnation isn’t real.” says Jada.

“Maybe!” says Lacey Banks.

“But what if it is?” says Jada.

“Did you think you looked like us? Because you’re slightly white?” asks Lacey.

“I wonder if I did.” says Jada.

“No! That’s not irrational necessarily. It’s just…not the right thing. It reminds me of mistakes made in cooking.” says Lacey. “Like trying to substitute eggs with chickpea juice. It works to a certain extent. But not really.”

“Yes. So I’m Black. And white.” says Jada. “Not Egyptian.”

Lacey thinks. “I wonder if you’re a little Egyptian. But that’s not…your dominant set of genes.”

“Yes. That’s not what makes me look white. But it’s part of my genetics.” says Jada.

“Exactly.” says Lacey.

“Yup. Ancient Egyptians were scary.” says Skippy. “But it’s not an excuse. It’s not narcissism. Be careful.

They were just…scary.”

Will Smith laughs.

“We aren’t that bad!” says Jada to Will.

He thinks. “I don’t think so. But I know you.”

“You shouldn’t have to say that!” says Lacey.

“No. You really shouldn’t.” says Jada.

“Why does hearing that scare you?” asks Dodi Al Fayed of Will Smith. “Lacey’s being harassed. Not unladylike.”

“We didn’t enjoy taking over Ancient Egypt.” says an Islamic conqueror.

“Why!?” asks Ireland.

And at that Ireland almost has its body disemboweled by the Islamic conquerors.

“That’s a stupid question!” yells current Egypt.

A living Irishman starts crying for himself. Weeping, actually.

“Why? I’m not hurt.” says a confused Irish man.

“Jada and Lacey are both naturally really beautiful!” says a random observer. “Were they good-looking?”

“Yes. They were. Very!” says current Egypt.

“Then Lacey’s Black?” says a mediocre looking white trash American woman.

“No. She’s not.” says current Egypt.

And at that the woman pouts. Screams. Kicks things in her trailer park living room.

“Hello!” answers Ancient Africa, cheerfully.

“I’m out of dough.” says Lem.

“The Kennedys aren’t paying you enough?” asks Ancient Africa cheerfully, still.

“No. They’re making me pay them.” says Lem.

The man practically falls out of his seat. He grabs his desk, so to speak. “You have to pay them!??”

“They say they need the money for Bobby.” says Lem.

“Yeah!!!” yells the angry white trash woman in her trailer park.

“Don’t worry. I’m the way. I just need to secure a few funds.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior to evil, spoiled, evil-white-trash-America.

“They all dressed like Justin Beiber a few years ago.” says Lacey.

“That’s so ugly.” says Nils Nesheim.

“As rich as the Kardashians are, they’re grossly white trash. That’s part of why their aesthetic has declined in popularity.” says Gunhild Nesheim.

Kim Kardashian cries.

“You’re hideously white trash. Even if you’re not an idiot, hopefully.” says Lacey to Kim Kardashian.

“I cannot give you money. You must go away. Or you must go back to Egypt.” says the Ancient African man to Lem.

“Justin. She’s not picking a fight with you. This is possibly just reality.” says the CIA. Justin got upset.

“No. See…I’m very attractive. I’m just white trash. Like…I’m not less of a person.” says Kim. “Hopefully.”

“No, she’s not. She’s very attractive. Lem is that what you like now?” asks Lacey of Lem, sincerely.

“WHAT!!? I’m not as pretty as Kim Kardashian.” says JFK, freaking out. “None of us are!”

Lacey waits for Lem’s response. And so does Ancient Africa.

Demon Lem weeps.

Ancient Africa laughs at Demon Lem weeping.

Lacey can’t help but decide she wants a salad today. “How safe are Sweetgreens salads?” asks Lacey.

“Yeah. I know.” says Kim.

“No!” yells Lem.

“You thought I was old money?” Kim Kardashian asks Chris Hayes.

“Yes!!” yells all of liberal America.

“No. She’s not. She’s new money. Having a lawyer father doesn’t make you old money.” says Queen Elizabeth II.

“Yes! Isn’t that obvious to you all!?” scoffs Jada Pinkett Smith.

“I agree.” says Joni Nesheim.

“Then how do we have sex with women?” asks Chris Hayes, sincerely and spontaneously on behalf of all living men.

Ancient Africa goes into mild shock. But they will recover.

anemone by slenderbodies plays.

“No. Lem I’m a Jew.” says Joseph of Egypt.

“But I don’t understand. If Lacey and Kim are both sexy in a similar way…then how do you make love to a woman?” asks an American liberal man.

“How did you imagine it was going to happen?” says Kim Kardashian.

“You’re poor. You have rats and cockroaches in your house. I’ve seen it online.” says the liberal white American man to Kim Kardashian.

“Yes. I’ve seen that!!” says the evil-white-trash woman in her trailer park.

“Is Asia jealous of Africa?” asks Kim Kardashian.

“YES!!!” yells China. “DUH!!!”

(Adult content below)

“You have to make love to their pussy!” says an American liberal man about Kim Kardashian.

Ancient Africa laughs.

“How!?” asks Lacey.

“It’s a very scary process. You have to be brave.” say American liberal men.

Trying not to laugh, “How do you make love to Lacey?” says Ancient Africa.

“You can’t.” says the woman in her trailer park.

“True!!!” yells Bobby Kennedy Junior, in exasperation. “She is impossible to have sex with.”

“I have never figured it out either. She can be very worthless that way. The best I can do is molest her.” says JFK, about Lacey Banks. “There must be some trick to it. Because Lem always figures it out, weird fucker.”

“Lem is a weird fucker for making love to Lacey?” asks Justin Beiber.

JFK laughs. “YOU MAKE JOKES!”

“No. He’s being serious.” says Kim Kardashian.

“Then how do you do it? Because Cheryl insists she wants me.” says Bobby Kennedy Junior, confused.

“I just make love to her!!” yells Lem.

“Yeah. Man…it’s not complicated.” says Kanye West. “Don’t you have balls?”

“No. I do. I checked.” says JFK in sincerity.

“See! She knows we have balls!

That’s why she is the evil one. Not us!” says JP Kennedy about Lacey.

“I know that because I am presuming you’re human males.” says Lacey.

“You cannot say that anymore!” says Liberal America to Lacey.

“I’m not sure if I agree to that.” says Lacey.

“Why?” asks her male neighbor.

“Because men have male genitalia. To say otherwise is a threat to humanity. It’s scientific heresy.” says Lacey.

“We can’t say that. We’re too poor!” he says.

“That’s ludicrous! But also, I’m not that poor!” says Lacey.

“I don’t have balls!!” yells JFK, in a rage.

“What do you have?” asks Lacey.

“I have a penis.” says JFK.

“And no balls?” says Lacey.

“No balls.” says JFK, maintaining this, for some reason.

“No balls and a penis. What comes out of the penis?” asks Lacey.

“Pee. Nothing else.” says JFK.

“So Caroline and JFK Jr. aren’t your kids?” asks Lacey.

“No. I made them!” says JFK.

“How!? You have no balls.” says Lacey.

“I made them with your semen.” says JFK, as if it’s obvious fact.

“I have no semen.” says Lacey.

“That’s true. She’s incapable of producing semen and always has been.” says God. “For all of eternity.”

“No! That hurts my feelings!!!” yells possibly all of humanity that’s less important and powerful and rich than Lacey.

“That’s where Great Britain messed-up. With Princess Kate. She’s capable of being good but she’s chosen with Lacey to be evil. Because she’s had her feelings hurt by Lacey’s innate beauty and curves. Kate looks like a man compared to Lacey. …But she’s been a hick about how she’s handled it. Instead of trying to understand the science behind it all she’s gotten all blindly self-righteous like an ignorant worked-up peasant. And it’s utterly depressing to Lacey who cares about her and to the Royal Family who loves her.

I’m sure Prince William finds Princess Kate very pretty. Pretty not mannish. And…it’s a complete baffling shitshow to sort it out.” says Piers Morgan in the afterlife.

“Let’s address the issue of Jack Kennedy’s balls.” says Ancient Africa.