Author Archives: L.

Lem…

I read the book by David Pitts. It’s fascinating! *I smile*

Lem was a very good friend of my family. He was a great source of…fun. We had a lot of great times together. *I chuckle*

“Oh my god! You’re Lacey Banks!?” says a Millennial woman from 2024.

What? No. Lacey Banks? Who’s she?

“You know who she is.” says the Millennial woman like she’s in on some very pertinent information.

No. I don’t. Let’s see who you mean. *I look*

It’s not clear. But it looks as though she’s Karrie. Karrie is my brother Joe’s…lady friend. Her father Tom was a criminal. But he wasn’t a criminal like some men are, mind you. He was a first rate fellow too. Real…gentleman. *I laugh* I can’t say a bad thing about him.

“Jack. Why can’t you say a bad thing about him?” asks a living gay man from 2024.

He’s a…power broker. A big shot. …And I don’t love making those sort of men angry even while I’m dead.

*weird silence*

So I suppose we should discuss Lem. I called him Lemmers affectionately. …He was my dear, dear friend. More like a brother to me at times. He held me up. He steadied my soul in the desert of my weary youth. …He was my Lemmers.

Let’s see. Where to start?

He was joyful. *I laugh*

I have never seen a more happy man. He never cried. He was…jolly. He could read your mind though and if you ever felt sad…he was right there.

Some men have a profound understanding of humanity. Lem had…love.

Lem had…*he laughs and weirdly almost mysteriously cries*

In 1960, the year I was elected US President I was given a huge burden of responsibility by the American people. And it was a burden I bore with great stoicism…as I knew I would be letting down the heroes of every generation if I shirked my duty as an American citizen and as a man even the slightest bit.

That whole damn time Lem was there.

Lem held my hand, and my family’s hands as we marched into the White House holding in our hearts the dreams and hopes of the young, the poor, the faithful and the willing. Nary anyone could comfort us when my older brother Joe died…but Lemmers was there. And he continued to be there always.

You can count on some men. And then some men…are…utterly…given to the hopes of their times. …Lem is…a man who is filled with the hope of the future not just the weary, dry, boring past. You can count on him. I did.

Some people say, “Why didn’t Lem ever marry?” Ha! He said it himself. It was my family. It was me. Why me? Well…sure there are the rumours. There are many rumours about men like Lem. Men who find their truest, purest and most meaningful joy and happiness solely with the company of other men. …But let’s stay away from those rumours. His family knows him better than I do. I’ll let them explain their son. I was just his friend, albeit in his own words, his best friend.

Was I his best friend? Yes. I know he valued my company! *I smile* And I can’t imagine my life without him.

He was happy! *I smile fondly*

“What were his hobbies?” asks a living gay man from 2024.

Ahh. Gee. Hmm.

“Come on! One hobby!” says the living gay man from 2024.

I can’t spend too much time answering that. This speech needs to be finished. It’s election season!

“Are you giving a speech somewhere?” he asks.

Yes. I am.

Who are you?

“Just an observer. From 2024.” he says. “Come on! One hobby!”

He played the piano. Like me. We both did. Ahh…he was great at rowing. He smoked! Ha! That was his biggest hobby. *I laugh*

“Oh wow! So he was your best friend? Or Red Fay was your best friend?” he asks.

…My best friend was myself. …All men are islands.

I did have great friends though. And Lem Billings was certainly one of them. So was Red Fay. Sure. You’ve heard of Francis McAdoo. He was another good friend. Ben Bradlee.

“Who was your second best friend?” he asks.

I had no best friends. I was not a trifling sort of man. *I laugh* I loved…risk. My whole life was a series of calculated risks and some turned out better than others. Becoming US President was one of them. My whole family-

*Later*

“What happened Jack?” asks the living gay man.

I’m being bugged.

“Oh. Someone is listening.” says a reader.

YES!

THAT FUCKING BITCH!!! *I scream*

*I calm myself*

“Who’s the bitch?” asks the living gay man.

Never you mind.

“Say. Tell us more about Lem.

What were his other hobbies?” asks the living gay man.

*Later*

I guess…he liked fishing. Ahh…reading.

“What else?” asks the living gay man from 2024.

What else? Gee. You’ll have to ask him someday, I guess. *I smile*

“What about golf?” asks the living gay man.

*silence*

Hold on.

*Later*

I need to apologize. Yes! Lem did play golf.

“Better than you?” asks the living gay man.

Yes.

“Is that difficult for you?” asks the living gay man.

Yes. Because he’s not with us right now and I’d like to play golf with him.

“No. He was a lot more athletic than you.” says the living gay man.

That’s not really true. You know…I can see why you’d say that. He was a big man! Huge man. But…he wasn’t as…ahh…athletic as me. I’m afraid to say that he wasn’t gifted in that particular way.

“That’s not true. He was more athletic than you.” says the living gay man.

*Jack’s heartbeat increases*

*He pauses to think*

Well. I guess there’s an argument for that.

“Lem is my lover.” says the living gay man.

Ha! You have a crush on him huh?

“No. He’s my lover.” says the living gay man. “He tells me secrets.”

*Jack starts almost hyperventilating*

“Yeah. Like how you’re mostly gay.” says the living gay man from 2024.

*awkward silence*

“Yeah. You’re gay.” says the living gay man.

Well…that’s not quite true.

“No. It’s true.

You beat him up. In the White House.” says the living gay man from 2024.

*Jack Kennedy laughs*

“You did. Admit it. You’re a violent, psychotic bully.” says the living gay man from 2024.

I hit him on the head with the back of a gun. Alright. That’s all.

He was…taking forever to get undressed and give me oral sex. He didn’t want to do it. And I just didn’t have time for it. My back hurt. A lot.

“Mmm. Hum. Tell me more!” he says.

Oh you know. He’s tedious. He takes his town arranging everything first. He’s a…pedantic man. Very tedious.

And I just couldn’t handle it. So I lost my temper.

“Were you high on anything?” asks the man.

Oh man!

Huh.

Yup! We did a lot of drugs in those days. I used drugs. I was on…coke. Was it- Yeah. Coke.

“Was he?” he asks.

*Jack looks nervous*

No. He didn’t.

“Did the Secret Service Officers do coke?” asks the living gay man from 2024.

*Jack starts to almost hyperventilate again*

“Did they?” asks the living gay man from 2024.

Yes!

*JFK shrugs*

“Did he ever have sex with you? Or just give you oral?” asks the living gay man.

We never had sex.

Look…he saw it as his duty to please me. He felt it was…pleasurable for him. And….it didn’t bother me none. Right? So…I guess…you could say I was his fuck buddy. And he was my…dick in a box. Or my dick in a jar? *JFK laughs nervously* I watch SNL. What is it? A dick in a box? Or- A pickled dick?

*JFK laughs*

“That’s a funny joke. Wow.

*the man awkwardly laughs*

No…I’m…confused.

So he never had sex with you?” he asks.

Well…he gave me head. But no. I guess you’re wrong and so is he. I was pretty much just a straight old asshole.

“Yeah fucking right.

No. You raped him.” he says.

Huh.

*Jack cries*

“Yeah. You did. You raped him several times.” says the living gay man.

*Jack cries*

“My name is Anthony.” he says.

*a moderator takes over the recording*

“FUCK YOU!!!” screams JFK, in tears.

“Lem is my lover. He hates you now.” says Anthony.

“FUCK YOU!!” yells JFK.

“Yeah.

That’s my photo when I was 14.” says the living gay man from 2024.

“Oh. You look Jewish.” says JFK, calming himself.

“I am. I’m very handsome.” he says.

“You don’t look gay.” says JFK.

“I’m not. For anyone but him.” says the living gay man.

“I’LL KILL YOU!!!” yells JFK.

“Ha! Just kidding that’s not me.” says the man.

“Who is it?” asks JFK, seething.

“A fictional character.” says the living gay man.

“Okay.” says JFK.

“You know. You’re a liar.

You’re an obsessive freak.” says the living gay man.

“No. I’m not.” says JFK, wimpering.

“Ha! Just kidding.

Lem was straight.

And I’m a gay man who…knows…what you don’t. Because I was born in a time after you died. And I know the truth.” says the living gay man.

“Fine. Make my day!!!” yells JFK.

“I already have. This is being printed in public in 2024. I made a deal with the CIA.” says the man.

“Where?” asks JFK.

“On my sex blog.” he says.

“Sex blog!?” says JFK.

“Yes. I run a sex blog. For gay men.” says the living gay man.

“Oh yeah. What’s it called?” asks JFK.

“Tony Talks Trash.” he says.

“Sounds smutty.” says JFK.

“It’s the shit man.” says the man.

“I’m looking forward to reading it, Tony.” says JFK.

“Yay!

Listen…it’s kinda weird now. So let’s just call it a night.” he says.

“Yeah. Let’s.” says JFK.

“Thanks for chatting!” says the man.

“Hey. Thanks. I won’t hold your…evil against you.” says J

“Great. Bye.” he says.

I did inspire the post by Jack Kennedy today.

I was bored by this shit.

If there’s reincarnation in the Bible Lacey is Scotia. And actually…men are very intimidated by her. In a way that they should be by Lem. She’s scary and cool…and I get it. But…he’s Constantine.

Why? It has nothing to do with Lem being gay. He wasn’t gay at all. And you know that.

It’s that…he’s…what? What is it?

Finally: “It’s that he’s a cuck.” says a living gay man.

“Lem…why did you give a shit about Jack at all?” asks a woman.

“I felt that was right.” says Lem.

“So you were nice…all those years…just to be a good person.” says a woman. “Okay. That makes sense. No. That fits the profile with your drug use too. You repressed a lot of emotion. Not in…totally self-annihilating ways though. I hope?”

“No.” says Lem.

“But you tried to be really nice all of the time.” says the woman.

“I did.” says Lem.

“I did. I had to be in my mind to be a good person. Yes.” says Lem.

“Why did you use Jack?” asks an American gay man, passionately.

“I didn’t…think that through.” says Lem. “I’m sorry that offends your delicate moral sensibilities so damn astronomically.”

Later.

“I’m pretty sure that’s bad.” says a living gay man.

“What’s that?” asks a straight man.

“Every basketball player on the Lakers and Nuggets has the same orientation as Lem Billings. Or at least a lot of them do.” says the living gay man.

“Why is that bad?” asks Casi.

“Because Casi…he’s flamingly straight.” says the living gay man.

“Yeah. They do seem straight.” says Casi. “I doubt they all are. But…they do have that vibe.”

“No! I know the one I’m watching is straight.” says the living gay man.

“Yeah.” says Casi.

Casi’s mom can be heard weeping over Lacey and Casi in the afterlife and their crummy lives.

“Hey! At least Casi got to be in love with a living man!” says her great uncle.

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“So! That’s good.” he says with concern for both of them.

“It’s better than neither of us having that.” says Lacey.

“So I’m forgetting. Did we know each other?” asks Casi.

“Barely.” says Lacey.

“Just barely.” says Casi.

“How did you know I accidentally got addicted to heroin?” asks Lacey.

“I heard.” says Casi.

“When!?” says Lacey.

She closes her eyes. Thinks. “You were so prim and ladylike and…innocent. …At least, this is me…if there’s reincarnation in the Bible. …And I was 13 or so years older than her? No. That can’t be right. Was it 30 years? It was older.

Anyway…I was older. But I knew her. And there was gossip.” says Casi.

“How did they hear?” asks Lacey.

“You told your mother.” says Casi.

“No! My mother was dead.” says Lacey. “I’m almost sure she was dead.”

“Someone saw you?” says Casi. “You might have made a fool of yourself.”

“I was in China.” says Lacey. “Who saw me?”

“We’re wondering if you were just dead?” asks Putin.

“Those are creepy dates Casi.” says the CIA. “Did you kill JFK in a rage?”

“Because I knew he was evil?” says Casi.

“Yes.” says the CIA.

“Ask God!” she says.

“Umm…so you saw. She was…?” says the living gay man.

“She was…in a stupor. Close to dead. For a week or two.” says Casi.

“When did Lem figure it out!?” asks the living gay man.

“He was very busy with business. And he was trying to let her have her independence. …I think it got too much for him to tolerate and he was very concerned. So he decided to yell at her very sharply and force her to stop. And she…didn’t understand, poor dear. But she trusted him. She trusted him implicitly! So she stopped. Cold turkey. And she was fine. …But I don’t think she understood what it even was. I think he was curious and was rather furious with her about it. But…she was so unaware. She…almost died. …And I bet that’s why she got so drunk after he died. She was trying to bring him back in a rage. …He was FURIOUS.” says Casi.

“Casi…who were they?” asks a British woman.

Casi thinks. “By the way…don’t mess with the Christian theology. The Gnostics might have had something right…but not necessarily. And even if they did…it’s not safe. Don’t do it.

Who would they have been?

She was…a friends of mine’s niece? Or no? A local gossip’s niece? *she laughs* I knew a woman from her family.

Her mother was a Bowes Lyon? Lacey’s great grandmother was a Bowes Lyon? On her mother’s side? Or were they a British merchant family? …Maybe it was both. On her mother’s side!

On her father’s side? There was a sad family history. There was a great fortune. But I doubt she ever experienced almost any of the benefits of such a fortune. …Was she raised by her cousin? Or was it her grandmother? Or no? Her aunt? It was someone…who was very loving and yet also quite distant. She was a tragedy. But obviously a very sweet, pretty girl. Dark. Quiet. Very sweet. But she had a sadness about her.

And then she married and was very happy! Very happy. Big smiles.

*the woman smiles*

It was fun to see her happy. It gave you hope.

You know…I think I’ve been mad at Lacey for not being happy now.” says Casi returning to the conversation or being there the whole time depending.

“Casi!!” yells Marsie. “LEM IS DEAD!!”

“What!?” says Casi.

“LADY VIRGINIA? LEM IS DEAD!!” yells Marsie.

“Yeah. Lacey can’t be that happy!” says a reader.

“She can’t find someone!?!” yells Casi. “She’s such a pretty girl! Is she a homosexual!?”

“No. Casi…I doubt it.” says a living gay man.

“Then why can’t she find someone!? My goodness!” says Casi.

“It’s not that easy!” says a man in Scotland.

“Then why is she here!??” asks Casi, irritated. “If I’m reincarnated she’s not necessarily supposed to be here. But that’s God’s business. No…I know He has a plan for everyone. He loves everyone. But…if I’m a dead countess she’s supposed to be with Lem.”

“She’s actually superior to me. By birth. But…she didn’t have a title.” says Casi.

“Did you ever meet Lem?” asks Bobby.

“YES!!” she yells at him.

Then she laughs.

“Only if there’s reincarnation. Chill out.” says Casi.

“What was he like?” asks the CIA.

“He was very…pompous, reserved, terrifying…moody…intelligent. Intense isn’t the word to describe them. They’re just British. …I liked him. He was…a good man. But he wasn’t…safe to just ‘chill out with.’ …I can’t think what the Kennedys were thinking.” says Casi.

Later.

“No. They had no clue.” says the living gay man.

“Who did they think he was?” asks a perfume collector.

“Lem?” asks the living gay man.

“Yes.” says the perfume collector.

“Ahh…I mean- What does it say?” he says.

“I don’t know. I thought you might know.” says the perfume collector.

“Mm. No. I don’t.” he says.

“Isn’t that part of your personality?” she says, bitingly.

He looks uneasy. “I think…ahh- I’m pretty sure it was just that he was…happy?” he says sounding slightly scared.

“Oh okay. …So you’re not an expert?” she says.

“Ahh…no.” he says.

“Then why are you on here discussing it like you are?” she asks.

“I’m not. I’m just sharing what I observed.” he says.

She smirks.

Awkward silence.

“No. I just…I think he’s…” says the living gay man.

“ANNOYING!!” she says.

“Who? Jack?” says the living gay man.

“YEAH!!” she says.

“Okay. But that was kind of my point.” he says.

She smirks again.

“NO. I really am embarrassed.” he says.

She looks mad. “It’s personal to me.”

“Oh okay. …That’s sad.” he says empathetically.

“Yup. My first husband was the victim of sexual abuse. His kindergarten teacher. And…he was bitter.” she says. She cries. “You know…it took his mother and a counselor years to convince him he was still a little boy. And I cannot STAND the bravado and pomposity of your community. You’re arrogant.

Some people people really are that messed-up. And it’s…normal.

Sexual abuse is real.” she says, with fire in her eyes.

“What happened to your husband?” he says.

“He died of cancer.” she says.

“Oh! I’m so sorry!” he says.

“Yeah. Whatever. Men like you are so content. You don’t have to care. So you don’t.” she says.

“I’m not going to argue with you.

So Lem reminds you of your husband?” he says.

“Yes.” she says.

“Would you like to shoot…Jack Kennedy?” he jokes.

She gets a wired look in her side-eye. “Oh my god! You’re drunk.”

“It’s just- Lem might have shot him. …You read this blog.” he says.

“Why the fuck…are you so condescending!?” she bites.

“I’m sorry. What?” he says, laughing.

“Why are you gay men so damn condescending?” she asks.

“Was I condescending?” asks Lem.

“Yes. But so was I.” says JFK’s residual energy.

“I think you all think you have a secret. It’s not a secret. I assure you. It is not…a secret.” she says.

“It’s part of our subculture.” says a gay perfume collector.

“So…Lem…why were you condescending?” asks the woman.

“Because I was actually angry.” says Lem.

“YES. I know. You remind me of my husband.

He was angry. But… You don’t seem violent. But he could be.” she says. “He used to go shooting. A lot. We have a gun collection in the basement still. …He just…wanted to get even.”

Flow by Crooked Colours plays.

“I didn’t realize what was going on until I was older.” says Lem.