“Lemmers” by JFK (In 2016)

Lem…

I read the book by David Pitts. It’s fascinating! *I smile*

Lem was a very good friend of my family. He was a great source of…fun. We had a lot of great times together. *I chuckle*

“Oh my god! You’re Lacey Banks!?” says a Millennial woman from 2024.

What? No. Lacey Banks? Who’s she?

“You know who she is.” says the Millennial woman like she’s in on some very pertinent information.

No. I don’t. Let’s see who you mean. *I look*

It’s not clear. But it looks as though she’s Karrie. Karrie is my brother Joe’s…lady friend. Her father Tom was a criminal. But he wasn’t a criminal like some men are, mind you. He was a first rate fellow too. Real…gentleman. *I laugh* I can’t say a bad thing about him.

“Jack. Why can’t you say a bad thing about him?” asks a living gay man from 2024.

He’s a…power broker. A big shot. …And I don’t love making those sort of men angry even while I’m dead.

*weird silence*

So I suppose we should discuss Lem. I called him Lemmers affectionately. …He was my dear, dear friend. More like a brother to me at times. He held me up. He steadied my soul in the desert of my weary youth. …He was my Lemmers.

Let’s see. Where to start?

He was joyful. *I laugh*

I have never seen a more happy man. He never cried. He was…jolly. He could read your mind though and if you ever felt sad…he was right there.

Some men have a profound understanding of humanity. Lem had…love.

Lem had…*he laughs and weirdly almost mysteriously cries*

In 1960, the year I was elected US President I was given a huge burden of responsibility by the American people. And it was a burden I bore with great stoicism…as I knew I would be letting down the heroes of every generation if I shirked my duty as an American citizen and as a man even the slightest bit.

That whole damn time Lem was there.

Lem held my hand, and my family’s hands as we marched into the White House holding in our hearts the dreams and hopes of the young, the poor, the faithful and the willing. Nary anyone could comfort us when my older brother Joe died…but Lemmers was there. And he continued to be there always.

You can count on some men. And then some men…are…utterly…given to the hopes of their times. …Lem is…a man who is filled with the hope of the future not just the weary, dry, boring past. You can count on him. I did.

Some people say, “Why didn’t Lem ever marry?” Ha! He said it himself. It was my family. It was me. Why me? Well…sure there are the rumours. There are many rumours about men like Lem. Men who find their truest, purest and most meaningful joy and happiness solely with the company of other men. …But let’s stay away from those rumours. His family knows him better than I do. I’ll let them explain their son. I was just his friend, albeit in his own words, his best friend.

Was I his best friend? Yes. I know he valued my company! *I smile* And I can’t imagine my life without him.

He was happy! *I smile fondly*

“What were his hobbies?” asks a living gay man from 2024.

Ahh. Gee. Hmm.

“Come on! One hobby!” says the living gay man from 2024.

I can’t spend too much time answering that. This speech needs to be finished. It’s election season!

“Are you giving a speech somewhere?” he asks.

Yes. I am.

Who are you?

“Just an observer. From 2024.” he says. “Come on! One hobby!”

He played the piano. Like me. We both did. Ahh…he was great at rowing. He smoked! Ha! That was his biggest hobby. *I laugh*

“Oh wow! So he was your best friend? Or Red Fay was your best friend?” he asks.

…My best friend was myself. …All men are islands.

I did have great friends though. And Lem Billings was certainly one of them. So was Red Fay. Sure. You’ve heard of Francis McAdoo. He was another good friend. Ben Bradlee.

“Who was your second best friend?” he asks.

I had no best friends. I was not a trifling sort of man. *I laugh* I loved…risk. My whole life was a series of calculated risks and some turned out better than others. Becoming US President was one of them. My whole family-

*Later*

“What happened Jack?” asks the living gay man.

I’m being bugged.

“Oh. Someone is listening.” says a reader.

YES!

THAT FUCKING BITCH!!! *I scream*

*I calm myself*

“Who’s the bitch?” asks the living gay man.

Never you mind.

“Say. Tell us more about Lem.

What were his other hobbies?” asks the living gay man.

*Later*

I guess…he liked fishing. Ahh…reading.

“What else?” asks the living gay man from 2024.

What else? Gee. You’ll have to ask him someday, I guess. *I smile*

“What about golf?” asks the living gay man.

*silence*

Hold on.

*Later*

I need to apologize. Yes! Lem did play golf.

“Better than you?” asks the living gay man.

Yes.

“Is that difficult for you?” asks the living gay man.

Yes. Because he’s not with us right now and I’d like to play golf with him.

“No. He was a lot more athletic than you.” says the living gay man.

That’s not really true. You know…I can see why you’d say that. He was a big man! Huge man. But…he wasn’t as…ahh…athletic as me. I’m afraid to say that he wasn’t gifted in that particular way.

“That’s not true. He was more athletic than you.” says the living gay man.

*Jack’s heartbeat increases*

*He pauses to think*

Well. I guess there’s an argument for that.

“Lem is my lover.” says the living gay man.

Ha! You have a crush on him huh?

“No. He’s my lover.” says the living gay man. “He tells me secrets.”

*Jack starts almost hyperventilating*

“Yeah. Like how you’re mostly gay.” says the living gay man from 2024.

*awkward silence*

“Yeah. You’re gay.” says the living gay man.

Well…that’s not quite true.

“No. It’s true.

You beat him up. In the White House.” says the living gay man from 2024.

*Jack Kennedy laughs*

“You did. Admit it. You’re a violent, psychotic bully.” says the living gay man from 2024.

I hit him on the head with the back of a gun. Alright. That’s all.

He was…taking forever to get undressed and give me oral sex. He didn’t want to do it. And I just didn’t have time for it. My back hurt. A lot.

“Mmm. Hum. Tell me more!” he says.

Oh you know. He’s tedious. He takes his town arranging everything first. He’s a…pedantic man. Very tedious.

And I just couldn’t handle it. So I lost my temper.

“Were you high on anything?” asks the man.

Oh man!

Huh.

Yup! We did a lot of drugs in those days. I used drugs. I was on…coke. Was it- Yeah. Coke.

“Was he?” he asks.

*Jack looks nervous*

No. He didn’t.

“Did the Secret Service Officers do coke?” asks the living gay man from 2024.

*Jack starts to almost hyperventilate again*

“Did they?” asks the living gay man from 2024.

Yes!

*JFK shrugs*

“Did he ever have sex with you? Or just give you oral?” asks the living gay man.

We never had sex.

Look…he saw it as his duty to please me. He felt it was…pleasurable for him. And….it didn’t bother me none. Right? So…I guess…you could say I was his fuck buddy. And he was my…dick in a box. Or my dick in a jar? *JFK laughs nervously* I watch SNL. What is it? A dick in a box? Or- A pickled dick?

*JFK laughs*

“That’s a funny joke. Wow.

*the man awkwardly laughs*

No…I’m…confused.

So he never had sex with you?” he asks.

Well…he gave me head. But no. I guess you’re wrong and so is he. I was pretty much just a straight old asshole.

“Yeah fucking right.

No. You raped him.” he says.

Huh.

*Jack cries*

“Yeah. You did. You raped him several times.” says the living gay man.

*Jack cries*

“My name is Anthony.” he says.

*a moderator takes over the recording*

“FUCK YOU!!!” screams JFK, in tears.

“Lem is my lover. He hates you now.” says Anthony.

“FUCK YOU!!” yells JFK.

“Yeah.

That’s my photo when I was 14.” says the living gay man from 2024.

“Oh. You look Jewish.” says JFK, calming himself.

“I am. I’m very handsome.” he says.

“You don’t look gay.” says JFK.

“I’m not. For anyone but him.” says the living gay man.

“I’LL KILL YOU!!!” yells JFK.

“Ha! Just kidding that’s not me.” says the man.

“Who is it?” asks JFK, seething.

“A fictional character.” says the living gay man.

“Okay.” says JFK.

“You know. You’re a liar.

You’re an obsessive freak.” says the living gay man.

“No. I’m not.” says JFK, wimpering.

“Ha! Just kidding.

Lem was straight.

And I’m a gay man who…knows…what you don’t. Because I was born in a time after you died. And I know the truth.” says the living gay man.

“Fine. Make my day!!!” yells JFK.

“I already have. This is being printed in public in 2024. I made a deal with the CIA.” says the man.

“Where?” asks JFK.

“On my sex blog.” he says.

“Sex blog!?” says JFK.

“Yes. I run a sex blog. For gay men.” says the living gay man.

“Oh yeah. What’s it called?” asks JFK.

“Tony Talks Trash.” he says.

“Sounds smutty.” says JFK.

“It’s the shit man.” says the man.

“I’m looking forward to reading it, Tony.” says JFK.

“Yay!

Listen…it’s kinda weird now. So let’s just call it a night.” he says.

“Yeah. Let’s.” says JFK.

“Thanks for chatting!” says the man.

“Hey. Thanks. I won’t hold your…evil against you.” says J

“Great. Bye.” he says.