Author Archives: L.

This is the last time I’m going to write this.

No, I wasn’t obsessed with Jack. That’s a…lot of mythology but people don’t really know. Even David Pitts was lied to. …History is not…something to make any assumptions about. EVER. Most of his book is literally about making assumptions. “We can assume” he says over and over and over again. …No, Mr. Pitts, despite what that pretty black woman at the Jefferson house in period clothing told you…when you took the tour in 1990…we cannot ASSUME. We CANNOT ASSUME.

“We can assume that they ate their meals here regularly.” she said? Standing in a kitchen where the servants likely ate.

And so you took that as a cue…because everyone who looked sophisticated who was there felt impressed by her ultra weight (it was the 90’s) and her manners…and the bright mind that she had…? You thought, “‘WE CAN ASSUME’ sounds…elegant and…educated…and…posh! Gee!! I wonder if I can use that to make beautiful conjectures about lovely things?!”

No. You can’t. Not safely! Not EVER. …A good historian used to say, “We suspect” even when they had a mountain of evidence. Why? Because…knowing is VERY RARE in studying history. RARE. …There’s actually very little we KNOW. We make…very safe guesses. And we may know a few things. But…not like people think we do today!! NOT AT ALL!!!

And so now I’m an angry poltergeist. Yes. I’m a poltergeist now. You’ve made me one.

I wasn’t gay. Jack Kennedy ruined my entire life. And I was too messed up for most of my life to be able to say or do much of anything to defend myself.

I’ve explained on this blog. There are a few errors. But very very few. And the overall idea is entirely accurate.

Jack Kennedy was a clinical narcissist.

John Fitzgerald Kennedy was a CLINICAL NARCISSIST.

…JFK had a PERSONALITY DISORDER!!!

…There’s simply no way I could have been in any truly loving relationship with him. He was a liar, a user and a fraudulent person constantly. …WHY have you all obliterated that!? It’s SICK!

I’ll tell you why! Because my life and my actual experience doesn’t matter to you! …He played mind games with me. …He was…very controlling and very sadistic. And so I appeared to be far more in love and obsessed with him than is psychologically even possible for a gay man to have been. You can’t…love a withholding narcissist that much! It’s never real. Because they’re fake people! …My supposed unconditional love for him was…not…possible! …How do you unconditionally love a chameleon!? They’re not real. …He had a persona…but…you couldn’t get genuinely close to him. …Red Fay was…his lover…and so was Jackie…and after he died they made him seem…perfect. But while he was alive Red made love to his wife…would never have left her for Jack in a million years…and Jackie fell in love with Bobby Senior. She’d have had an affair if he didn’t die! Openly. And left him at some point. Likely in the 1970’s. Or 80’s. Maybe even remarried.

I wasn’t truly obsessed. I was…being gaslit and abusively controlled. My family was worried he was taking over my life. They hated him. …They lied about that to David Pitts. If he spent much time talking with them at all. They lied because they were more interested in being left alone and given privacy than in making things right. …And I’m incredibly angry at them and…I completely understand. …Both.

My grave makes me…livid every time I look at it. It’s DISGUSTING! But…it’s not…where I am.

I’m going to tempt young people to defile it. When I’m dead with Lacey. I’m going to use her ability to make people do things…to ruin my addition.

See…I can’t do much. But she can. Because she’s made significant territorial gains in life. As a Christian who does daily spiritual warfare. So…she’ll be able to do something. And…I’ll use her to do it.

No. I’m sorry. But you’re…stuck.

You’re stuck thinking Jack was a hero and a heterosexual. You’re stuck interpreting everything that way. And you can’t imagine how I was straight…because it’s so hard to grasp the concept…even though it’s what actually happened. And you’ve rewritten human psychology to accommodate JFK as my eternal lover. Made me madly in love with Bobby Junior. Dead because he decided not to go to Haiti with me. …No. That’s all bullshit. I’m sorry. It’s bullshit.

Mary Richardson isn’t waiting for him. Mary Richardson isn’t waiting for Bobby Junior to die and be with her! …Neither am I. Why would we be!? That’s…insane. …I was never in love with him nor…attracted to him. At all. That’s absolute bullshit. I never sexually abused him nor ever came on to him at all. And if he’s being honest he’d tell you that. I wasn’t obsessed with him or Jack. That’s all bullshit. Absolutely disgusting bullshit. …But Mary…well…she was…and she certainly isn’t going to greet him with open arms when she dies. Not at all!

So…if I was insane or…bisexual…why would I be any different than her? With Jack or Bobby? …Why do you imagine some…absurd reality like that!? It’s…demented! There are real conservative for our actions. Things do matter! …Justice happens. Eventually. Always.

It’s patronizing, homophobic, backward bullshit to assume I’d still be in love with JFK.

I repeat: You are ruining the Gay Rights Movement by blindly assuming things about me.

You’re destroying your gains! If you’re a gay man…assuming I’m dumb enough to still be with Jack…is…detrimental to your marriage. You’re challenging your own marriage! …Really! It’s that spiritually serious!!

“How!?” asks Barbara, a privileged white woman who may take Lacey seriously. If she reads this blog she may be shocked to find herself here. But…Lacey hears her spirit asking this. Somehow. Possibly.

“It’s real. We’re real!” says her mother.

Well…

“Are we doing this for Easter, mom?” says Barbara.

“YES!!” says her mom, grinning. “I STILL EXIST!!”

“Does the cat?” says Barbara.

“There will be lots of fun surprises. In Christ. Yes. …Cats…matter…too.” says her mom.

“Are you stuck?” asks a ghost hunter.

“NO! That’s a misunderstanding.” says her mom.

“You’re just chilling.” says Barbara.

“I’m with God. It’s real!!” says her mom.

Ahh…why?

Well…it’s like this…Lacey misunderstood…and thought I wasn’t with Jack at Princeton. Wrote that on this blog. …But…there was something to what she was hearing. …I was trying to explain to her that I chose Princeton because I was trying to find a way to escape from Jack. Quietly. Without causing a fuss. …I don’t think you understand that he was violent and manipulative and made threats on my life. On my family’s life. …And I just…shrugged it off. Because…I thought I was gay. And…I was psychologically incapable of thinking about it and protecting myself wisely almost at all. …But I had a secret plan. …I’d go to Princeton and somehow he’d have to go to Harvard. …Why did I suspect that? Because of his dad. …Joe was very into living through his sons. …And he loved the thought of turning Harvard into “a Kennedy school” in everyone’s mind. So…I highly suspected that he’d make Jack go there. Eventually. …He was incredibly proud of himself for attending Harvard. Joe Junior went to law school there. …It meant a lot to Joe. And I knew that. Okay!? I observed that. …So…I talked Jack into Princeton to…find some way to separate myself from him. If not at first then eventually. …And you know…it might have kind of worked.

Princeton was my school. Harvard was always going to be his. …I knew that. I knew I’d lose him eventually. …Princeton was not his school. …I…think that’s a myth. Because I recall giving him that idea. I recall talking him into wanting to go there. …Knowing he’d never see through me.

No. He was violent from the start. And it didn’t bother me enough.

…See…Lacey heard that though.

Lux Aeterna by Clint Mansell & Kronos Quartet plays.

She heard me. …Clear as day.

But I’m a ghost.

So…when I talk to her…I community through ideas and full concepts at times. Not just words. So…she’s not making this up. I’m giving her images, at times. So is Satan. But God is working to clear up her confusion. And…she’s…older and wiser…and…she’s been a sincere devout Christian since she was a tiny little girl. It’s actually incredibly taxing and dangerous. What she’s doing. But…God is God. And these days she barely has much choice. …WE HAUNT HER. …ALL…OF…THE TIME. Constantly. …And God is using it for the good…but it’s…an awful thing to live through.

Requiem For A Dream is…in my…spiritual orbit. This song in particular. Lacey is the woman on the pier. For me. It’s vaguely a horror movie sort of…reference, to Edith Wharton’s The Age of Innocence. How I gave up…my own life…and…true desires…as a man…for JFK. And…yet almost nobody knows that.

So…why does it matter? Because…I’m TALKING TO HER. …I REALLY AM!!! …I REALLY AM!!!

…And as unbelievable as it is to some people…IT’S REAL. …She’s HEARING ME!!!

…I’m telling her the truth. …Okay!? …I was straight. …And incredibly messed-up. …But I was REALLY heterosexual. …And…my whole life was absolute shit! …I wasted my whole life. …And all my sad attempts to be…appreciative and optimistic and kind…weren’t wasted…but…I left people with a drastically different perspective on my experience than what I actually felt and what I was thinking the whole time. …I smiled. I constantly forced myself to be funny. …But I couldn’t have at Jack’s wedding. Not unless I was what I’m saying I was.

…She’s hearing me. And I’m telling her the truth.

…And…people not taking her seriously…especially gay men…or what’s worse: bisexual men who identify as gay…forces…nature itself…because I’m dead…to…revolt. Because my misery…was…enormous. …I was an incredibly unhappy person. He genuinely ruined my life. …And my family cared…but they didn’t really protect me. …It tortured my mother though. She died miserable because of Jack. …He made her miserable. She felt…he’d brainwashed me into some kind of zombie. Some kind of weird freakish slave. And in a way…he HAD! …She was a grieving widow when he met me. She was vulnerable too. My whole family was! And Jack knew that.

…So…see…if I exist…what am I!?

Any Other Name by Thomas Newman plays.

I’m A GHOST. …I’m what Patti Negri calls “energy”. And people like her call me energy too. …So…if I’m energy…what are my memories and emotions!? What is…my PAIN!? What is it!? …It’s a force. …So if what she’s hearing is real…my pain…is…only compounded through her…when you constantly try to separate us…”on behalf of your community” or possibly “on behalf of Jack”. And…it becomes…a deadly force. Of mass destruction. Because she’s…a profoundly hurt person…who’s also very holy. And despite what you may think…very loving.

And my kids…miss me. My daughter cries over me everyday. Silently. But I can hear it. So does my son. …And that’s a force too. …And of course I cry over them.

…Jack was a villain.

Jack Twist? WHAT’S THE TWIST!?

Marion Barfs plays.

You see…when you try to repress my energy…insisting she’s wrong…even as I weep over my children…insisting JFK was heterosexual…insisting I was attracted to men…insisting I was MADLY in love with him…you’re controlling us.

The Gay Rights Movement violates me…daily…just like Jack Kennedy. Bobby uses that evil too. And they believe their own lies. Adamantly.

And in their pathetic attempt to alter history and force me into submission to their sexual desires and their desire to make me what they want me to be…what feels comfortable to them not what actually happened…or is…they…force themselves against the energy. They use their own personal energy. Like a collective force…using Bobby’s misunderstandings of other people’s emotions…and his power…and the power of anyone connected to him…to repress nature.

Sequence by Ludovico Einaudi plays.

You can’t get rid of our energy. You can’t really dismiss it. Using Bobby. Using…Caroline. And Joe. And The Daily Mail.

You can’t quell our energy…by making up another half true story for People.

Just because Lacey pisses you off. …With her iron soul. And her real logic. And sound facts. Facts you have never accounted for yourselves.

I understand Bobby is hurt. But he’s a grown man. …And he’s better off knowing the truth.

…You can’t get rid of our energy though. Energy doesn’t work like that! …It just…shifts. So…where does it shift to?

Vladimir Putin…has…used us. Very successfully. To practically control the world.

Because he understands that my face…is far too…happy at Jack’s wedding…for a man who loved men. He’s a genius. And he’s known for some time. So…if there’s an Illuminati especially…but even if there’s not…he’s harnessed our energy…through Lacey…and his actual love for her…as a man…to…win. …He’s a rare man.

The song restarts.

Yes. Dead…contrived leaders…like JFK…are…false light. Like the false light Chris Hayes wrote about himself. But some of you cling to them. …Oh so…passionately.

1:17

17.

The year.

The year…Prince Alexei died…and JFK was born. …And that matters…because…if there’s reincarnation…Jack is…Japanese. And he targeted Lacey and my whole family. As a Japanese man. …And Vladimir chose as Alexei…or on behalf of Alexei regardless of reincarnation…to take it very personally. All of it.

It’s a sequence of events.

Repressing my energy…is…causing earthquakes. Yes. Earthquakes. …Repressing Lacey’s energy…is causing…fires. And trying to separate us…is causing disease…war…and trying to harm our children…is destroying the the Dollar. Because Michael…is…a real man. And those could have been his kids too.

Yes. Sounds fantastic. But…it’s not.

She’s not repressing anyone. YOU ARE.

And so…defiling my grave…by accident (?)…is a lynchpin. A keystone. And…people can only give so much.

Yes. People care. People in general mostly want to see homosexuals happy. …Regardless of what’s allowed in Heaven. Because they can’t tell what’s in the Bible…and…what they do know…is that real gay people are…in love as much as they can be…with each other. Committed. …And they don’t want to end that. People aren’t…that…hateful. …Or they didn’t use to be.

…But you keep pushing and pushing…and your grace…or your protection…ends. It just ends.

Verses by Ólafur Arnalds & Alice Sara Ott plays.

There is…nothing left. …I can’t care anymore!!! …I can’t care!!! …No one in my whole family can make themselves care anymore!!! …You asked for too much Gatsby. …My wife loves ME. …It’s in her blood and it’s in mine. Heterosexuality. And we are in love. …And her concern for your humanity…is human. Mortal. …You asked for too much. You pushed her much too far.

So of course she cares. But…I’m HER HUSBAND. I’m her FOREVER. …You’re the song in the moonlight in a dying fallen world. Not me. You aren’t connected. We are. FOR ETERNITY. …I’m not Jack’s at all. …Our hearts matter. Our pain MATTERS.

Matters. Matter!!!!

All those tragic deaths? They MATTER. …You just can’t see it. …Or maybe you do.

Your marriages are…on the chopping block. Because you don’t have…a clue…? No. Because Jack Kennedy…ultimately…meant more to you…than truth? Maybe? Is that it?

What is it? Because you did it to yourselves.

…I can’t protect you. The grace has ended.

You defiled my grave!!!!

You’re keeping me from my family.

And my family is suffering.

I don’t think you understand.

This REAL.

You have no proof. You have…fabricated fabrications. Misunderstood misunderstandings. Bullshit. You have hearsay bull. That’s all!! …I’m the one who counts. NOT YOU!!! …When it comes to my own life and feelings I COUNT!!! NOT YOU!! You tools of evil. You pawns of Satan. You cucks for the alter and throne of a dead criminal narcissist…named JFK. …Yes. I can finally tell you…HOW MUCH I HATED him. Hated. HATE.

…”That can’t possibly be true! Hey that’s not possible!

Lem was recorded 1 billion times as saying he was CRAZY IN LOVE with Jack! …More than anything! Including peanut butter.” you say. “He wrote LOVE SONGS!!!” you shriek, foaming at the mouth but hiding it.

No. I SAY!!!! NOT YOU!!!!!

Later.

“Lacey. You just can’t tell people stuff like that!” says Marjolijn.

Lacey thinks.

“I’m not an idiot…but for some stupid reason I thought it would actually help.” says Lacey.

“HELP WHAT!?” says Casi.

“Help people…understand.” says Lacey.

Marjolijn snickers.

“Would you have been…enlightened?” says Putin.

“YES!” says Lacey.

“Why!?” says Marjolijn.

“Because…I think like that. …It’s like…’This person seems…strange. And I feel…threatened or offended. Hmm…’. And then they explain that they’re just…privileged. For better or worse. …I’d feel…let off the hook. Like…’Oh! Oh!!! They’re really privileged! …Huh. So I’m not imagining things. There’s a reason I’m so…bothered.’ …Something like that.” says Lacey.

“Why is that comforting?” asks a reader.

“Because it’s…nothing one can do anything about. Like the weather. It just is. …And its annoying. …And maybe over time things have or could change…but…apparently it’s still a problem.” says Lacey.

“I get it.” says Shaveydavy. “Like when people disclose…anything. Pertinent.”

“Yes.” says Lacey.

“But…it’s different. Because it’s about money.” says Marjolijn. “And status. …You just can’t do that!”

Lacey thinks. “It made no sense.

Why…did people think I was poor?”

“They didn’t!!!” says Mr. Cologne 76.

“Then what the hell was all of that condescending behavior about!?” says Lacey.

“Fuck!” says Dmitry.

“No! I know what you mean!!! I experienced it too!” says Marjolijn.

“Yes. You did!!!” says Lacey.

She nods.

“Did you?” asks Shaveydavy.

“Yes.” she says.

“You two were both exceptionally pretty.” says Lem. “I’m sure that’s part of the reason why.”

“Why?” says Marjolijn.

“Because…for some reason…it made people very uncomfortable…in the perfume community online…to see two unusually beautiful who’re women…with any intelligence…collecting perfume. …Especially married to men. Men who they seemed at least attracted to.” says Lem. “There’s a sizable number of bisexuals and lesbians who collect perfume. …And…it’s…less acceptable to be super feminine and pretty as a woman in…that setting. …Look…being myself…without my gay act…I did while I was alive…I couldn’t go into a gay bar. Even with Lacey and a gay male friend we shared as a couple. …Apparently Bobby and other people don’t recall when I’d slip and seem straight…but it did happen and…when I’m being that way all of the time…I seem…uncool to non-straight men who feel uncomfortable around straight men. …I rarely was myself. And when I was…I offended people. Still do.”

She nods.

She laughs.

“Why don’t straight women collect perfume?” she says.

“They do! I would bet you’re mostly straight even if you’re bisexual.” says Lem.

“Yeah!” she says.

“ oh, because they’re scared of straight women and it just makes him feel uncomfortable to join communities that are not as ‘friendly’. I mean there’s a lot of lesbians and bisexual, who are into collecting make-up but it’s not as acceptable as in the perfume community. So I think a lot of women who aren’t straight tend to flock to perfume, because it feels like a safe thing to indulgent as a woman. And there’s a sort of intellectual, not purely heterosexual vibe to it. Lacey and I are a lot alike. we are really weirded out by overly heterosexual things. I loved art! I really did and still do. But I had very heterosexual interests that I just never pursued and so does she.

Oh, I love golf and I have that recorded. Online. Publicly. I was better at golf than Jack! See people think I was incapable of playing sports, because I was so gay, but that’s not reality. I really did love golf! I also liked rowing. And I enjoyed tennis to some degree. I also like a few other sports that are not as American. I’m going to sound reincarnated, but I like rugby I like cricket and without asthma and with better vision I’m actually pretty good polo player.  And especially water polo.   I’m actually not that lacking in coordination. I just didn’t like football and I tolerated baseball. American football is OK but it just never really appealed to me. Hockey was something that I liked better.  I’m pretty good at skating and I was big. But you know I also liked fishing and hunting. And those are things that no one really knows about me that I liked fishing that I could hunt and that I was really actually somewhat athletic. I just didn’t like American football. I actually like soccer. I like soccer not as much as I like some sports but I do like soccer. My favorite sports are probably crew rowing and golf. I love golf I really love golf. It’s interesting and so does Lacey. She is nowhere near as good as I am, but that doesn’t bother me and it certainly doesn’t bother her so I have a feeling we’ll be playing golf someday together.  She’s very respectful and it would be a very relaxing and enjoyable game. 

No, I am just going to say it I liked sports more than you realize.

I was also faking my voice. And my mannerisms were also fake.

Lacey knows what I’m really like she’s seen it in certain pictures and video footage of me. It slips in every once in a while. What amazes me is that the Kennedys never caught that, and that historians never seemingly have entirely either. But Lacey and I are so much alike. We’re very observational people and we both notice intricate details of everything she likes antiques and so do I. I could authenticate many different pieces of art, and she has the same way of seeing things as I do. Part of the reason why I would have been with her as a euphemism for sex if she has been alive is because of that. As one person to another, who sees those details fact that she would’ve second-guessed me, as who she is somebody who’s incredibly exacting, and all of her understandings of everything to degree that has made it difficult for her, sometimes to along with people or to be understood him and at times it was difficult for her to finish her homework because she was always trying to understand everything completely. I would have wondered if I was wrong about myself because she wondered. And being is in love with her, as I would be instantly, practically coming from her, it would make me have to think and question a lot. But that didn’t happen, unfortunately.

No…I think you you ladies were…making people uncomfortable. By being so…heterosexual and attractive. Even if you’re bisexual, Marjolijn. You are married to a man.” says Lem.

“Dude you were into sports?!?” says a dead man who just died.

“Yes.” I say.

He’s dumbfounded.

“WHAT!?” he says. Grinning.

Awkward silence.

“But you’re Lem Billings!” he says.

Awkward silence.

“Man!!

You don’t seem gay.” he says. “At all.”

“When did you die?” asks a psychic.

“This morning. In a motorcycle accident.” he says.

“How old are you!?” says a psychic.

“I’m in my 30’s.” he says.

“CRAP!” says an Illuminati psychic.

“Yeah. Whatever. …I drove drunk.” he says. “So…you guys are the Illuminati?? Possibly.”

Awkward silence.

“I’m a real dead man.

Look me up! She can see me!!!

…He’s…weirdly straight.” he says.

Awkward silence.

“He’s not who you think he is.” he says.

“Why are you watching him?” asks a woman.

“I’m a reader!” he says. “I like books.”

“So…you were just curious?” says a psychic.

“YUP!” he says.

“Why are we catching your energy?” asks a psychic.

“Barbara’s mom.” he says. He laughs.

Awkward silence.

“Why don’t you guys believe her!??” he says.

“We thought we knew better.” says the CIA.

“YEAH RIGHT! You guys knew he might be straight. …I sense a conspiracy.” he says. “And lots of lies.”

Awkward silence.

“You guys know this is real. She doesn’t entirely! That’s…stupid. …Why are you doubting him? He’s a real ghost! And your evidence is worthless shit. …A friend can’t confirm anyone’s real sexual orientation. That’s…not how something that intensely personal works.” he says, offended. “It’s totally and entirely plausible.”

Awkward pause.

“That’s one of his competitors. …WHY would you assume she’s so desperate!? What the HELL!?” he says. “Doesn’t that seem weird to you? …Why would she be choosing Lem…unless she had reason to!?! It’s so…random. So…so random. …Nobody in their right mind would choose Lem Billings. It’s a fricking weird choice! …That his name just came to her!? Out of the blue. …Doesn’t that seem odd to any of you!? If you even exist.” he says.

“Did she know Lem Billings from Red Fay?” says a reader.

“NO!!

That’s how dumb these people are. If they even exist.” he says. “She SUPERNATURALLY was given his name. Repeatedly. Years ago. And she hasn’t recalled that until just now.

…I’m REAL!!!

Someone TOLD HER TO REMEMBER HIS NAME. Over and over again. …She’d read it a few times in a book over 20 years ago. That’s ALL!!! Just that book. And one article. …Decades ago. …So someone started repeatedly saying his name over and over in her head…who’s dead…until she heard it so clearly and so…remarkably that she got it stuck in her head. But it’s not normal. The whole thing with him is REALLY WEIRD.” he says. “MAN you guys are SLOW!!!”

“Wait…she didn’t even know how he looked!?” says a psychic.

“Mmm…no. She did. …That’s the thing. She did. …But…not really. …And it’s never seemed weird to her that she just randomly remembered his name. And hadn’t seen his adult photo possibly ever…but instantly thought of him. And his face. Sort of. When Jack asked her who she’d have ‘turned to’ when Joe cheated.” he says.

“So he prompted her…to think of Lem?” says a reader.

Silence.

“Ahhh…did he just want to fight her? Or what?” asks Patti.

He laughs. “Yeah!!! Ahh…

No.

But…I totally understand why you’d ask.” he says.

“So…what happened?” she says.

“He was stupid. He thought Lacey and Lem would never last. …She was really in love with Joe. And…he just…was too blind to see what was going to happen.” he says.

“Who prompted him to ask her that!??” says Patti.

He looks very serious.

“A blond woman. Very pretty. Possibly a model. Or former model.” he says.

Patti nods. Rolls her eyes.

“What was he thinking!??” she says.

He looks grim. “We don’t have to change.

C. S. Lewis at have had that part right.” he says. “God isn’t…a violating force. You don’t have to do anything. So…- At least not in that way. …So…he just…didn’t want to change.” he explains.

“WHY!?” says Patti.

“He…was in love with evil.” he says. “It’s sad.”

“Who told Lacey Lem’s name!?” asks Bobby.

“Ha!!

…Lem. His sister. His whole family!!!

….And…yes. Mary. Your dead wife.” he says.

“Wow!!!” says Logan. “Gotta be honest…that’s real.”

“I still can’t stand you.” says Mary to Bobby. “I’m sorry.”

Patti laughs.

“Yeah.

He thinks our emotions disappear when we die! Like…in a movie. …NOPE! …I’m still incredibly angry.” she says.

“Did you sleep with my dad?” asks a man on Bobby’s behalf.

“Yes.” she says. “Yes, I did.”

“Wasn’t that weird for his dad!?” says Olivia.

“Ahh…well…not really. …He always knew I’d kill myself. So…he never got attached. Like that. To me. …I mean maybe it’s a little weird. But…I’m not his daughter.” she says.

Chatter.

“I don’t think Bobby is living in reality.” says a person.

“Did you molest Saoirse?? Or was that a sick attack on Lacey?” says a man.

“Why not me?” he says.

“Because it’s unclear if you were behind it or allowing it…or what.” he says. “And it’s very far fetched.”

He looks disturbed.

“Well…why did she go along with it?” he says.

“Maybe she didn’t. Maybe she did. …Answer!” says David.

He refuses to.

“What do you make of that?” says a man to Lacey.

She laughs.

So anyway…I was straight. And I liked sports.

…And Bobby barely would recognize me.

“Lem…explain.” says the CIA.

“I’d never have let him stay with me. …But let’s say he did. …No drugs. No girls. No drinking. …I’m cold. Serious. …Always down.

…I’m incredibly suicidal!

He’d rarely see me.

I’d have been…reclusive.” says Lem.

“Lacey…sweetie…are you lost?” says a gay man.

“What do you mean?” says Lem.

“Ahh…I feel like you have the conclusive evidence. Not us. Not Bobby.” he says. “Right!? Think!”

She thinks.

Becomes very embarrassed.

“That’s okay!!! You’re a profoundly neglected person.” he says.

“He’s real…I think. …He’s real!!!” he says. “So…Joe told you not to sleep with him. Right?”

“Yes.” says Lacey.

He nods.

Silence.

“I think…he knew…it was going to get really ugly.” says Cheryl Hines.

Lacey blinks. Looks stunned.

“Yeah.

Because…he knew Lem’s reputation. For a start!” says a British woman.

“And they’re made for each other.” says God.

“Lem…if you’d not thought you were gay…how many?” asks a JFK fan.

“One. At…17. She’d have gotten pregnant. Or 18. …Maybe 24? No later! …Four or five kids. …Marriage. …That’s it.” he says. “Possibly a bad marriage. Possibly not.”

“No divorce!!” says James Dobson.

“Absolutely not!” says Lem.

“Was Jack ever weirded out by your heterosexuality?” says a gay man.

“Yes!” says Lem. “Many times.”

“How so?” he says.

“When we were in Germany. …I had a very typical straight male way of traveling. And he was more…into being…elite. Posh. …So…sardines and crackers for me. Dirty pants. …Save the money!! …He…wanted…glamour. …Style.

…He…was…ashamed of his attraction to the statue of David. …I was straight. And I thought I was gay. So…I felt…no…fear. I just…loved it. Because I wasn’t attracted…but I wouldn’t have cared if I was. So I just enjoyed it. As brilliant art. …He was…so embarrassed. And he played it off like he was…cool. But…I think he felt weird. A handsome almost perfect looking naked man… We had many moments like that.

And…he was far more…socially gifted around non-straight men. …I offended many of his boyfriends. And wannabe boyfriends. …They were jealous. But…they also just didn’t like me. …Because I was straight. And…they just found me…annoying. …I said things in a gay way…and used a high-pitched voice…but…I…was ready for beer, brats…beans…and…bedtime with my wife. At 9! …So…I seemed…not raffish but oafish…to several of his gay wannabe-lovers.

I mean…here I am. This guy with too-short trousers. …Constantly making jokes. Secretly disinterested in…a lot of gay culture.” says Lem.

“Give me an example!!!” says David Pitts.

“Gore Vidal.

He begins talking in French. Laughing…in a…1960’s-chic…stylish way. Crosses his legs. Smokes. Smells of vanilla. …Dark suit. Perfect tailoring. Tan.

He must have been waiting for me to say something relevant. After all he was the author! …So he’d dominate the conversation.

But…I’d just sit there. Silent. Half-asleep. Right next to him. Half smiling. Drunk. Legs stretched out. Relaxed. Very casual. …And Jack…liked that. Because it looked so straight. …Except…after a while…Gore found it difficult to find even tolerable. So…let’s say he turned to me…and very annoyed…said, ‘Mr. Billings…what’s your opinion on the matter of Italian people? …Like we were just discussing!’ …But I’d zoned out. Completely! So…I didn’t have anything to say! So I just sat there… And then he said, ‘Well!?’ We got into a fight about his book. …I never read it…really…and had no desire to! I thought it was stupid.

‘Lem! …Why don’t you celebrate Jack’s literary interests more!? As a best friend!??” scolded Gore.

I was angry!

“Well…Jack likes other things too you know? Like…sports. And…-“ I said.

“Women! Yeah! I’ve heard.

But he has plenty of men who he can play sports with! And I know you’re not that much on a field! So…you don’t fool me…Mr. Billings!’ he said, laughing at me.

I was hurt.

“Jack is…a different man than you think he is!” I said. And what was dumb…is that I was acting like a hurt straight male friend of his…not a gay…but…that ironically was lost on both Gore and I if this is literally what happened.

“Lem. You’re a loud…boring…dull man. …I think Jack needs a wiser…smarter friend!” said Gore Vidal.

I fumed. Stood up silently. Told Jackie I was leaving. She asked why. She apologized. Gore left.

“Thing is…he was right in a way. …I just…was hurt. Because it was such a personal attack. And…instead of realizing I was just straight we both made it about me being a deficient gay man.” says Lem.

“Who else found you annoying? For being straight?” asks the CIA.

“Several men who knew Gore. Red.” says Lem. “A few dark haired…gay men…who you don’t know about.”

“Did Jackie seem out of your league?” asks a reader.

“Yes and no. …I had low self-esteem.” I say.

Well…this is all for now. Goodnight.

“What’s Lacey like in a relationship?” asks a reader.

“With Jack…you imagine morning make-out sessions and cuddling. In our dorm room. Longing. …That didn’t happen. …We didn’t really ever make-out. But to have that, what you imagine that is, we’d need me…combined with a strong-willed, difficult, but loving person. …In lieu of a closeted, homophobia narcissist…you’ve imagined a challenging man with…personality. Zest. …And a huge, albeit sexy, ego. Jack was a narcissist. A clinical narcissist. So you’ve imagined a fake person who never existed instead of Jack Kennedy…and I have yet to dissuade you possibly…but…if he had been that person…we’d have had a relationship. …Just a relationship. Not some magical unicorn situation like it’s been depicted. …That’s all. Just a fucking relationship.

…Kind of makes you think.

A relationship with JFK. Not the 1960’s. Not America in its golden years. Just one man. …Not the myth. Not JFK…but one man. An actual man. …Just a person. …Just a person. A person with flaws. Because everyone has a flaw…or something you have to get used to.

What you see are photos and my mythologizing of JFK for public relations. You’re forgetting, possibly, the grimy reality of an actual human relationship. Two people interacting. …Even if he’s been a saint…and he CERTAINLY wasn’t…he’d have made mistakes. Or farted. Or said something stupid. Or cried ugly. …I could still love him…but…he doesn’t defy that reality. Nobody does.

And here’s the thing…he was gross at times. With all his diseases. …Literally gross. Rip Horton imagines me longing to give him a back rub. …But…he had them often. The sex appeal would have worn off after a while. And I might done it out of love and devotion…but…Luigi Mangione supposedly struggled to have sex due to intense back pain…why…wouldn’t I…have experienced that with Jack? The slurred speech from his drugs. Or his irritation from pain. Or both. …Why would his supposedly intense pain…or his self pity…not have been stressful TO ME!?! …YES. TO ME!!! …ME! …Why doesn’t someone EVER consider that!? …Just because I seemingly never stood up for myself doesn’t mean I was okay!! …I’d have had to have been worn out. At least occasionally. …And combined with his inability to recognize me publicly at all…and his…complete inability to be remotely faithful…even in a polyamorous relationship…if we’d had one…AND his verbal, mental, physical and spiritual abuse (assuming I was gay in some way and not being subversively raped by him)…HOW IN HELL…do you figure I was either sane…or sincere or EITHER when I adored him in my public words? …I’d have had to have been living in intense denial…or…been lying in some way. Lying in some way separate from denial.

The magical relationship you imagine us having is impossible.

Do you think JFK was so great that I could just…overlook his flaws!? …Over DECADES!? …HOW!? …No one can do that. Even the most impressive people get obnoxious over time acting like JFK is documented as acting in an intimate relationship. Because you see their flaws. And they get…annoying. …After a while they get ANNOYING. …Especially when they’re…very demanding. Jack was. CONSTANTLY. …Our time was spent on whatever HE DECIDED. He was…pushy. He was a narcissist. He was a clinical narcissist. A diagnosable narcissist. He was an interpersonal leech. …As glamorous as you see him as being…in reality being his little bitch…would have been a living Hell. …He was very abusive.

So why…would I have cared!? …After all those years. You see glamorous movie stars break up. …Because even sexy people get icky…after a relationship turns sour. Why would I have magically still given A SHIT!? …In reality. …How could I be so magically exceptional!? …People stay in abusive relationships for many reasons…but true love…ceases to be a remotely possible real reason after a certain threshold of evil on the part of the abuser. And Jack DEFINITELY reached that threshold with me. DOZENS of times. It’s DOCUMENTED. People just don’t analyze it. …So why did I seem to care? Well…I was either insane…and brainwashed…or I was straight and HORRIFICALLY confused.

He imitated Lacey. …Part of the reason you think she’s him…is because he tried to be what I was looking for. Because he was a narcissist!!! …So…he occasionally imitated her to try to fool me. And possibly even more people than just me. …I actually didn’t even notice. …Partially because I was straight…and partially because she’s an incredibly complicated person, as am I, according to some people. So…regardless…it went over my head. …But he actually did do that.

I was really messed up. …And eventually I was a huge drug addict and…an emotional wreck. And everyone who has publicly analyzed me thinks it was because I was so in love with Jack. …But they TOTALLY gloss over the DECADES of incredible abuse he subjected me to. And then blame me…for putting up with it…as if it’s ENTIRELY my character flaw…and possibly excusable because…HE’S JFK!! …Talk about projection! …There’s NO WAY a human could sustain that kind of intense systematic abuse for years…and not fall out of love…somewhat…even if they don’t realize it at the time. Real love that matters…doesn’t hurt you like that. EVER. …HOW THE FUCK…do my ‘biographers’ not realize that!?! …These are educated people! Come on!!! THINK!

…I was either crazy…or…full of it.

Le leçon particulière plays.

I was either CRAZY…or…wrong.

Listen…real lovers can beg you to stay. Lacey has. And…you have to decide if you can or not. …So what makes you truly stay…not just stay because you’re physically scared or at least too chicken to leave for some reason…? …Love. …But in order for love to exist…there has to be the right conditions. Safety. Trust. Loyalty. …Charity. Mutual respect and…concern. It can’t be just one-sided. …And there were never the right conditions for love between Jack and me.

Even if you believe the bullshit…you have to ask yourself why…I wasn’t more wounded by his empathetic refusal of me at the very beginning. …Sure…he was closeted…and the times were very different…yet some men…DID NOT CARE. …I didn’t! And I wasn’t even gay. …Rip didn’t. Red Fay wouldn’t have! WHAT IN HELL…made him SO DAMN SPECIAL!? …In reality! …NOTHING! …And if Lacey had rejected me at first I’d have been less in love with her too. That’s just the harsh reality of love. Okay!? …Even in exceptional circumstances. …There’s something incredibly caustic about an initial rejection. Especially a harsh one like the one Jack gave me. …His…fear…and subservience to ‘the man’ including his sometimes heartless and embarrassingly idiotic father…his ultimate worship of ‘people’ and their mindless worship of him…is off-putting to a person who thinks. …And I did think. …No…I was either too chicken and crazy…or I was…surprisingly straight. …Because he passed the threshold of…cruelty. …I couldn’t in my right mind have still cared about him. Not really. Real love in too-toxic relationships dies. And again, OUR RELATIONSHIP WAS FAR TOO TOXIC.

Recontre sur la neige plays.

I was…a lie…and my legacy is one of such profound deceit…it shocks even me.

…What could any man or woman take from my life’s example? To endure abuse!? …If the abuser is famous or popular enough it’s acceptable? …If you’re…brave enough and love them enough…and they smile at you sometimes…and let you…do things for them…and make you laugh…hard enough…and buy you things…it’s not just okay it’s…admirable!?

1:04

The song is cut short.

Silence.

beanie (piano version) plays.

My life…is REAL. …And you can’t just divorce my words…from reality. …You can’t take them out of the context of our actual relationship!! …He was a real…clinical…NARCISSIST. …So it doesn’t matter what I said!! …He was a narcissist! …That’s a clinical diagnosis! That’s a…pathological question. …Not a question of…Lacey’s intelligence!

She’s very intelligent. But even if you doubt that…you can’t really tell me he’s not a pathological narcissist. DSM. Real tests! …THINK ABOUT IT!! He fits the criteria in a clinical setting. …You can almost scientifically diagnose him without even meeting him in person! COME ON!! …That’s FAR from hyperbole! It’s FACT! GROW-UP!!! If you’re reading this blog and you don’t have the guts to look at what you’re reading honestly admit it…and then back-off!! …But if you can…try to imagine she’s not some laughable buffoon…and try to imagine that some people can actually talk to the dead. She can! …And it’s not her…choice. It’s her brain. It’s just the state of her brain. Some people pursue it. She hasn’t. …And try to think about what I’m saying!!!

…I was…so confused. …SO confused.

I came from a wealthy, old money, progressive family. …We helped start LeMoyne College. That’s where my name came from! I’m Lem. Short for LeMoyne. …And…in my family…science was…very important. …We were taught that…‘crazy people’ weren’t…’crazy’ but rather medically in turmoil. Mental health issues weren’t that stigmatized in my family. So…I didn’t have a negative perception of homosexuality in that way. …I saw it as a medical condition. …Nothing to be ashamed of necessarily. …Maybe in a way. …Because…it wasn’t the ideal. It wasn’t…the perfect person. It was some…mutation? Some…disease? But…that’s all. …And I had asthma. So…I already wasn’t perfect.

Bobby Junior? Well…I don’t know what to say about that. I would tell you what happened but it’s very difficult to get the truth through to Lacey…and she hears me adamantly denying that anything ever happened between us…and that I wanted anything to happen even…but…it’s too painful for her to believe that right now. Okay? …That is what I’m saying. …I was in a sick relationship with Jack…and…I didn’t fully understand that until right before I killed myself…but…nothing was ever going to happen between Bobby Junior and myself because…I didn’t want anything to happen! …And…I…made stupid mistakes with him. …I gave him far too much attention for sad reasons including my own growing grief over my lost life…and then I…felt he was insane…a total sociopath…so…I decided to encourage his drug addiction and let him die…before he could harm anyone. …I knew Mary Richardson was inevitable if he lived. I KNEW he was bound to do something evil to large numbers of people. …I saw it! …Based on how he treated his siblings, their friends and me. So…he was using heroin and getting his younger siblings addicted who looked up to him like David…and…I believed it was sane to…let him die. …I reasoned that…if I died with him…it would serve me right. I wanted to die. And…it helped me encourage his addiction.

…I cared about him the way…you’d care about…a sad…hurting…rabid dog. …Truly. A wild, rabid animal. …You care. But…you know they’re lost. So…you choose to let them die. …I saw him as a rabid animal. …I cared! And he saw that! …And it was real!!! …And I think that’s what he focuses on. …But…I thought he was rabid. …A sociopath. A real sociopath. …Because he had tried to get David addicted. Sad…hurting…David. …A little boy who wept over his father. …A little boy who was…desperate. …His own little brother! …And that…REALLY pissed off! …I never told anyone. …And no one ever guessed it. Including David. But…he broke my heart. …And…I felt Bobby Junior was likely a real sociopath.

…Look…I was secretly straight. …So…my way of handling emotional things was…a lot colder than people would expect. …And my son with Lacey…would have known…when I didn’t invite him to my drug parties at my house…that I was…watching his back. …Because he’s my son. So…he’d have just known. …David was extremely hurt, however. …And…he never figured it out. …Neither has Bobby. Even now. …Lacey would have by now. My son…with Lacey…would automatically have known. But…I didn’t have much experience raising kids…so…I assumed David would know. Eventually. And feel loved by me. And protected and understood as a person. …It didn’t work out.

…I don’t think you get it though. There’s no way I could have crossed over and stayed in love with Jack. …Regardless.

And…in reality…the trajectory of our relationship is already impossible. …I should have been suicidal by the late 1930’s. At latest! Based on his behavior! …The fact that I wasn’t is part of the reason why people think we were merely friends! …And cling to the idea that he was so straight.

…I didn’t kill myself over him. I don’t think there’s almost any documentation of me even being suicidal. I was actually…but it wasn’t because of him as a romantic partner. …And there’s no evidence to suggest he ever left me feeling that…deeply devastated. Not nearly enough. And even if he had I could have still been straight. But it’s IMPOSSIBLE…I could have been that lacking in emotional response and been anything other than straight…even before his wedding. But especially at his wedding. …His wedding and my nonchalant smiles…are proof I was straight. Straight and likely extremely confused.

So…assuming I was straight…and acted gay…well…which I did…let’s discuss that. …See…gay men today…are very defensive about it. …Senator Robert from The Office isn’t gay. But you’d NEVER guess that necessarily. …Would you? …He was acting. Acting well, but purely acting. …I looked very similar. Actually I think less convincing than him. Because he knows he’s acting and he’s a professional. …But I was very smart…and a decent actor…and…I did what some gay men can’t comprehend. I defied the norm…to…a wild degree…and chose to act gay. …Yes. I had reason to believe I was gay…and I felt it was honorable and appropriate to…advertise that. Not all of the time. But…strategically. …To…distance myself from the public. For their safety. And…to avoid…annoying conversations. Like, ‘Why aren’t you married?’ Or…‘Where’s the misses!?’ Or…’Are you impotent?’ …I felt it was far more pleasant to act gay…and let people be…mean…than to…let women fall for me…or…feel…depressed about my life when genuinely straight men tried to…be friendly. I wanted to protect people from my disease. But I didn’t want to talk it. Because…it was incredibly painful. …Unbearably painful.

I was straight.

Lacey has no idea about Joe Kennedy Junior. …He was his family’s hero. We were…in awe of him. And he…loved her…in a way that…matters. I could easily be stealing her out of revenge. She’s far more desirable than you openly ever admit. And it would be a punch in the gut. To all of them. Living and dead. But she barely comprehends that right now at all. When Bobby dies…he’s going to HATE me. Passionately!

Lacey…is…tough as nails. …And I’m not after revenge.

So what’s it like being in a relationship with her? Well…I’m a ghost. So…we have a very unusual relationship in a way. …It’s much more painful and challenging than it would be if I was alive. Although…I get to see everything and…be everywhere. Other than the depths of her heart…she has no secrets from me. And I like that. And she likes that I’m always there. …I made that decision a year ago. To connect ourselves. All of the time. And…it’s been very useful. She needs me. …And…I don’t tire of people easily. Neither does she. Although we like being alone. But she lets me be alone. Too much. And…it’s nice to think I’m there…she just can’t hear me. At times. When the spiritual warfare is most intense. Christian Charismatics do have that part right. But so do Catholics.

Bobby doesn’t understand right now…but when he dies…he’s going to HATE me…for taking away Lacey. At first. Eventually he’ll realize, if he doesn’t go to Hell…that it was inevitable. And ultimately the best. But at first it’s going to really sting. She’s his ideal aunt. He’s incapable of being aware of that right now…but someday…that’s going to really hurt. Because he’ll be in awe of Joe…Lord willing…so was his father. And her genuine love…will…hurt…being taken away. …She understands him better than I did. …Because of the nature of time and space…the pain of our past will make sense. But…the unknown will bother him. Still. So I’ll cease to be his drug buddy. Or Lem. I’ll be…as shocking as that is to her…the man who took his Aunt Lacey away. …Joe loved her. And that will automatically mean a lot to Bobby. Instead of being the guy who secretly might have assassinated Jack even…he’ll focus on Lacey. Why!? …Because…she’s loving. …And…it’s sincere. And when he ceases to be a narcissist…he’ll see her…as…a mommy figure who really cared. But got stolen. And his crazy Uncle Jack…will be…just a crazy uncle. Not his father. Because meeting his father as an adult will permanently alter him. And meeting everyone else…Lord willing…will make him in awe of his own family…all over again. Or maybe for the first time.

What’s it like being in a relationship with Lacey?

…Look…it’s…like this…you imagine me being with Jack…right? …Him causing problems but us…being together anyway. Because you think I was so turned on by him that I just cousin resist myself. Or something close to that. That my list was deep and passionate and boundless and endless. Nothing could restrain my profound obsessive passion for just him and only him…no matter what…for eternity. …Almost like I was his twin flame…or I cease to exist…but…he’s not necessarily mine. Because he’s straight, people think. So they think I was dumb enough to be immortally obsessed with him…while he’s NEVER going to give a shit in any real way about me. That’s REALLY the popular narrative. Which is incredibly demoralizing when you stop to analyze it. …And if you think it was mutual at all…you think we had some…amazing sexual experience. At Choate. Or maybe in college. Or in Europe. Or in the White House!!!

…So you imagine me bowing to Jack…right? Bowing in…happy submission to his…tough…cold exterior. His…sexually explicit rough shell. Forcing myself through the challenges of being his man. The massive obstacles to reach the reward of him. Because that always is the only true reward. Of any relationship. Just that person. Money is great…and so is fame and prestige…but…it’s empty at the end of the day if you’re brain is aware enough to register it…and mine was. …So what broke me was the lack of love in my life. Real love. …But if you believe Jack loved me…you have to think we made love at some point. Right? But what would that be like? …He’d be aggressive? Yes. Possibly. But…also withholding. No real long-term monogamous promises of undying love and intimacy. Or do you imagine that? In some poly way? Well…I hate to burst your bubble…but pure monogamy…is…intense. It’s a singular experience. …No matter how committed a primary is…or how faithful they are in that regard…it never is as intense as monogamy. …It can’t be. I’m sorry! …The human brain is made a very certain way…so…even if you don’t technically cheat…you’re still…in an intimate way with other people. So…your chemical reactions are going to vary.

Jack never offered such a thing though. And there’s proof of that. So…let’s take that off the table.

Be real. You imagine Jack being difficult! …Saucy and flirtatious. Manly and attractive. But…ultimately very self-possessed and self-absorbed. …Kissing him…was…amazing you think…but…scary. …Like…making love to a god, you seem to think. A demi-god Kennedy…amongst mere mortals. …And I was…lucky and chosen to kiss him…many of you think. A rare…rare thing. …An event…a supernatural event possibly myself…merely by association.

Song 2 by Blur plays.

When Lacey’s being herself…she’s this wild. Joe knew that. And he inspired this song. Just because he genuinely loved her. This was how they felt about each other. ‘I’m never sure why I need you. …Least I need ya!’ It’s not a parody. It’s about PTSD. His from World War II and her’s from childhood abuse. …He genuinely respected her…incredible resilience. Her…defiance of evil. Her inability to be truly conquered. …You think she’s mainstream. But you’re mainstream. …She’s…so…alternative she seems mainstream. I’m not kidding!

But it’s…not…evil.

The Celtic heart of Joe…loved her…righteous rebellion for Christ. Because it’s very sincere in both of them. And she…will see him again someday as brother-in-Christ, Lord willing. At his best…they’re somewhat alike. They’re both very hardcore people. Very fervent. Very brave. Very intense. Very smart.

He was a warrior. And her desire to fight too. Touched his heart. Because she was never going to be as fast or able as him…as a woman…but she wanted to be. And…it genuinely touched his heart. And she adored him. Genuinely ADORED him.

Thing is…he never really understood parts of her. …He understood her…beauty. Better than I do!!! …YES…better than I do. …I appreciate it more. But Joe understood it. There’s a difference. He understood it. …He held that…close to his heart too. That understanding. …She’s very sensitive. …Fragile almost. …He…shined as a man…in relation to that. He always strove to protect that. As much as he could. Her…feminine…sometimes truly fragile…and yet determined being. …And he ADORED his father. …And she was his father’s soulmate. …Lacey. …So…he…liked her. …A lot of his father’s best and unique traits as a person…without…the evil…in a beautiful woman’s body. Who ADORED him. And she wasn’t his father. She was…Lacey. She was…very lovable to a man who…fell in love easily…but rarely deeply. And with her it was deeper than most. …Easily one of the deepest. I’d rank it, Pat…Lacey…Athalia…Katherine and Edith…and…maybe a few others scattered here and there.

What’s it like to be with Lacey? …Well…

Jack…as you imagine him…and possibly as he imagined her…wanted sex. But on his terms. And his terms alone. …And he passively would have agreed to do things ‘he didn’t want to do on his own’ if I’d been attracted to men. …He was essentially a prude…and a letch…and a needy bitch as you’ve imagined him with me.

Come As You Are by Nirvana plays.

Lacey is not…who you think she is. Joe didn’t even understand that. …The only people who have grasped her…as she really is…are F. Scott Fitzgerald and Elliott Roosevelt. Especially Elliott when it comes to sex. And Scott when it comes to her overall personality and heart. Her and Scott have a very quiet way of talking to each other like they’re emotionally and mentally out of breath…in the exact same way…but when they talk to one another they get a second to catch their breath. They don’t have to explain themselves to each other. Almost at all. It’s not friendship. It’s…more like they’re twins. He did have two older sisters. She’s not one of them. But…they like her too…and relate to her. Yes…THEE F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Lacey…played the viola. Well. Still could. Not everyone can do that. And she’s…a genius at sex. And she understands rhythm. And meaning. Symbolism. Love.

Today she wore a wig. …A long…dark…sexy wig.

Island In The Sun by Weezer plays.

A man starred at her. As she drove by. In awe. She’s…gorgeous but she’s NEVER done that much with her hair. Highlights. A perm once. Dyed it. That’s all. This was…stunning. Long…flowing…and perfect. And WOW did men notice her. …And her reaction was to crack-up laughing. At them. Because…it hurt! A LOT. …Like she told her legal husband…’I had no idea men were so…simple. It’s depressing!!! …The only thing I changed was my hair!’ …She was morbidly depressed by how shallow their ability to perceive beauty was. But she already is over it…so she just laughed. Instead of feeling suicidal.

Bound For The Floor by Local H plays.

She’s very deep. And…I’m able to appreciate that. I…love her. Profoundly. I love Lacey a profound amount. …Men are designed to look for certain cues. But…it’s easier to lie nowadays than it was. And…men don’t look as closely as they should. At anything. And that will have to change or humans will die off. Our laziness and evil are killing us off. They should think a lot more carefully about themselves too…in a healthy, Godly, and loving way. And it’s been bad for a while.

So…while her reaction was to laugh. Genuinely laugh. In a…sweet…girly…Marilyn Monroe way. Jack’s reaction was, regardless, to eat…it…up. SAVOR IT. …He LIVED for that kind of reaction. He LIVED for it. He CRAVED IT. …STUPID admiration. All…of…the…time.

Lacey…has SHUNNED it. VIOLENTLY.

She’s let herself weep in boyfriend’s bathrooms…cutting herself on a razor…nothing deadly but…out of RAGE. PROFOUND RAGE. …At real evil. Instead of remotely looking acceptable to most men. She’s deeply rebellious in the best way. …Kathryn…loved and loves her. Kathryn HATES JFK.

If there’s reincarnation Fausta expected to LOATHE Lacey…using Jack…to try to destroy her. But instead she came to respect and admire her. As a woman. Totally separate from me. Should there be reincarnation. My son loves Lacey. Should there be reincarnation. My former son. Like a son. And that’s his torture. …But maybe there’s not reincarnation.

…

See…to Lacey…human love…and WORSHIP for another human…IS TRAGIC. …Elliott understands that. So does Scott. And so do I. But not as well as them. …Elliott found Jack laughable. …So did Scott. From the grave. Yes. Scott Fitzgerald found JFK…moronic. As a man. Utterly worthless. A total joke. …You might not have expected that…but Jack was…his idea of a…WORTHLESS man. There’s times he literally sat in the back seat of his dates…and just laughed at him. For fun.

What does that mean? That in bed…Jack…wanted to be the main focus. Regardless of how much I did or did enjoy it. He wanted to be…the star. Even when he was making love. He wanted to be the secret focus of all real attention. ‘GIVE ME!! GIVE ME!!!’ was his response at all times. Or…‘I’ll give to you…if you remember…I’m the one giving. …So even if this is supposed to be about you…it’s still about me.’ …And…that’s bad. I was straight. But he was bad…and I know that just using logic. People wouldn’t say that. But…there was nothing special about it…outside of his…cult of personality. His…carefully constructed hair. His…perfectly tailored clothes. His studies mannerisms and words. Everything was fake. But so good…almost nobody knew or still has figured it out. He’s Marilyn Monroe in regard to his level authenticity. And if he killed her…he saw himself in her. And hated it. She was mediocre in bed too, apparently. Despite her advertised success otherwise.

Lacey is…deadly in bed. …I’m serious. It’s…genuinely dangerous. …Not really for me. But…that’s different. …I think her soulmates are fine. …So is her legal husband. …She saved his life. …But…you have to respect her. Because if you don’t…it’s like climbing Mount Everest.

I mean men were…cranking they’d heads to get a glimpse of her…and…in genuine love…she laughed at it. Who does that!?? …And she was sincere. …I mean she’s BREATHTAKING at her best.

In person…she looks far more like the image above. Far more.

So today…when she wore the long…beautiful hair…it was…mesmerizing. The beauty of her face…has never photographed. But this is…in the same…vein.

Her eyes…when she’s really looking at you…are TERRIFYING and yet so beautiful.

And the image of Scotia above is essentially her eyes. Almost exactly. Although she’s never been able to photograph them well.

…Where Jack lost himself in the pursuit. And that was…everything to him outside of the high of the chemical and physical reaction from sex to him. He never cared about using sex to control people. And…he lacked the ability to do that anyway, on every level. …Lacey…finds the whole thing…DISGUSTING to the point of wanting to annihilate all of humanity.

Can’t Stop by Red Hot Chili Peppers plays.

Because she finds the state of men…VILE. ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE.

Her instinct is to examine them. Literally take apart their bodies and examine them. Heartbroken and yet…determined to fix all living people. So they…can…truly love each other. …She has…a clinical reaction. Like…deeply enraged…and genuinely loving sex psychologist. …She finds it funny. And then she wants to fix it.

I think…she wants to make us all far more…Godly. And that’s why she’s ready to end the world. Because she isn’t sure how to fix it now otherwise, if she ever had any other ideas. Quick. Painless. Like an asteroid. Or a rapture. But she brings that before God. Always. She never takes it under her own control. Which is very wise.

Jack…just…bathed in it. No matter how shallow. Did a little dumb dance with a cheesy grin. …No concerns.

With Jack…I had no interest. And no hope. He didn’t understand deep relationships. Not really. …He was abusive. And incredibly shallow. To a humorous degree. …But…he understood…his value to other people. And he knew the significance of deep intimacy even if he was incapable of it, and knew that about himself.

Lacey…is…WILD.

And Joe…LOVED it.

Her…razor sharp edge…comforted him.

Otherside plays.

Her razor sharp soul.

See…you imagine me…loving Jack…because I knew he loved me. Secretly. So I tolerated years of abuse. Because I was special. …SHE COULD HAVE ACTUALLY HAD THAT. With Joe. As his wife. …Except…she’s…deadly. SHE IS. …Because like water…she fools you. Five miles looks like mere feet. And the more salt water you drink…the more…thirsty you get. It kills you. …It wears you down. Slowly over time. Even if you’re made of stone. You need her to live AT ALL. But…disrespect her and you die. Unimaginable depths. Deadly depths. …But frozen…she can cut open the human body. Razor sharp. …It’s water…but…it’s…sharp.

And…so…since she lacks a sense of her own value right now…she’s deadlier than ever. Because she throws up high on a wave…but you drown. If you can’t swim. Jack was never that…truly deadly. Because he was so meaningless. And most people knew that. At some point.

Elliott could be drowning…but..he’s…brilliant. And he was extremely experienced. Still is. So is Louis. So was Harold. So was Scott. So is her legal husband.

Song 2 plays.

Joe…got badly hurt. So did his father. …And ironically so did Jack himself. …Joe gave her severe whiplash. Because he claimed he felt that. Deeply. When she decided to genuinely fall madly in love with me. Forever.

Prince Philip claims he too can’t understand their confusion. …Saying he can’t believe men could be that sincerely idiotic. …Expecting her loyalty in the face of their deceit and treachery. But they did. For whatever reason. And…she delivered the extreme opposite. Because it wasn’t her being slutty. It was her…completely slitting the throat of their bond…and then pulverizing the bond to drip out ever bit of blood…before cutting it up and forcing them to eat it. As long as it could last. Sickening them. …You…don’t…understand.

No One Knows by Queens of The Stone Age plays.

They deserved it. …But…God didn’t want to use her. He still doesn’t. …Satan found it…romantic. Actually. I’m not kidding. He hates humanity. And like water…he finds it…irresistible. Her wrath. It’s…his…kryptonite. His used a flood for a reason. Satan couldn’t resist. He has…a soft spot for water. He allows it to cleanse the Earth. And she reminds him of literal water.

So…she’s not withholding.

And…while she swallowed me alive…I protested enough…so…before I could drown she gave me scuba diving gear. Out of thin air. And then…led me to…Atlantis. …Where I was promptly made ruler. Regardless of reincarnation. Of course! …And…then sent me to the surface…to…conquer the world…from Atlantis. …Except…there’s resistance. And people have attacked her. Instead of me. Assuming I’m her victim. And not that I’ve chosen to live in Atlantis. And acquire gills…in my nostrils.

Listen…I was a straight man. …So…if there’s anything to gay men being more sensitive…I lacked that. That isn’t me. Well…I was sensitive. But…as a straight man. Make sense? So…Jack…failed to hurt me…because I didn’t notice. Really. At times his worst attacks were…null and void. Because I simply didn’t catch them. They flew right past me. …So…at times I’ve made mistakes with Lacey…like right now…because…I wasn’t married…and I…am not used to it. But…I’m never letting her go. Those are my kids. And she’s mine. Forever. And I know she wants it that way.

‘You want me more than anyone else.’ I once told her. And I was right. Not because she was Jack…or is…at all…because…I can quiet her deepest fears…and worst pains…with just my love…in a way no one else can. Not solve them. But…give her…a place to belong and be loved. As mine. Not as a safe harbor. She’s not a man. As…her…Adam. So to speak.

…No. Lacey you aren’t in those photos. …You’re…in bed. Making me have the best sex of my life. Not taking sexual photos. …We don’t go to Germany. Because I get you pregnant. Even if you were taking birth control. Potentially. Or…we travel to France. Switzerland. Lichtenstein. London. …And…you meet with Sir Winston Churchill. And Queen Elizabeth II. Privately. And warn them of your father. Prevent the war…somewhat. And Elliott is enamored but…respectful. …And we get married. And nobody knows how good you are in bed…because…I’d never tell them. Why would I? …But all of that only matters if it’s real and I love you. And that’s where Jack…might never return. Because…even if the sex didn’t even happen…because I was straight…and he just forced me to service him….every time…he took those photos. Very intentionally. Setting them up. Analyzing the results. The perception. How they’d be perceived. Knowing they’d never suspect he planned them. Because I was the gay one, seemingly. The obsessed one. …He posed us. Every time. Meticulously. Some are just of him. And the ones of just me…aren’t…as sexual or possibly sexual at all. Because he was the one sexualizing the photos.

He made me take the pictures. ‘As a joke’. Just like how he made Bobby sleep with people who he’d slept with. ‘As a joke’. He often commanded people to do sexual things to control the situation, in his mind. It didn’t really work. Because he didn’t really understand sex all that well. …But he damaged A LOT and Marilyn Monroe killed herself because of him. Not directly but she slept with Bobby…and…he sexually confused her. About…life itself. He told her she was…essentially a ruined woman. Too slutty to be taken seriously by any decent man. And the most she could ever hope for was to be a concubine or prostitute. Because no man would or could trust her. …Not as a wife. …And she took him very seriously. And felt her whole life was…pointless. Because she wanted love. Real love. More than anything. And she really believed him. That she was a total failure. Utterly worthless to herself. Better off dying young before she could ‘rot’. Those may have been her exact words. He told her that to get rid of her…because Jack insisted she was a very dangerous nuisance. And he simply would not tolerate her shenanigans! Humph! …So Bobby told her something horribly hurtful…to tempt fate…or so demoralize her…she’d get the point and leave him alone! …She called every…week. Maybe sometimes more. But he felt she was SO DANGEROUS. Because he wanted to feel that way. It made him feel…pure. And decent. And strong! …A good husband! But he lied. …Of course.

People knew. She told people. They kept it quiet. A then killed him. And kept it quiet.

…No. No. I got no pleasure from him.

But you don’t know that.” says Lem.