Author Archives: L.

Lacey: What don’t you understand about me just telling the truth?

The perfume community: It’s just such a harsh truth!

Lacey: Then why did you keep pestering me about my finances? In passive aggressive ways?

Over and over and over again?

The perfume community: We didn’t do that.

Lacey: Oh yes, you certainly did.

The perfume community: You’re not supposed to say that you’re old money though.

Lacey: What was I supposed to do!?

The perfume community: Be…miserable?

Lacey: OH! So you’re allowed to outright treat me badly? But I’m not allowed to hurt anyone’s feelings by just telling the truth?!?

The perfume community: No…

*Think*

We obviously are toxic. Okay!?

Lacey: Well…I’m aware.

But I’m moving because of it. I’m literally going through extreme stress because of it.

…I can’t just shrug my shoulders and say, “That’s cool!”

You’re all…totally in the wrong. Even if I should be aware of how I accidentally made you feel. You attacked me…first. …I accidentally made you feel insecure? Apparently? …You INTENTIONALLY attacked me, refused to acknowledge it, and then proceeded to commit felonies and stalk me.

You’re HORRIBLE for what you’ve done TO ME.

GET…A…CLUE.

The perfume community: You know…truth be told…we are what that…Republican woman earlier today said we were. …No, for real.

See…and I’m not ashamed of that. Because I know where I’m coming from. …And…her criticism is fair.

*someone shrugs*

…I actually think…you met a bunch of narcissistic people. Who did attack you. …But…people hate you now, because they blindly believed what those narcissistic people said. BECAUSE you don’t know how you sound.

The truth is…reincarnation is real.

You’re clearly a reincarnation of a Scottish aristocrat. And…I think you’re too friendly because you’re Celtic. You know the stereotypical Irish “friendliness”? I think you are the epitome of the Celtic stereotype. Reincarnated.

Okay. So… you’re Lady Rosslyn. Cool. I get why it was funny to you to tell people that. But…I think a lot of us have a problem with that.

We have…delusions.

No. We do.

Let me ask you this: when you watched Downton Abbey were you actually impressed? Be HONEST.

Like, by the wealth? And their lives?

Lacey: No.

They seemed…almost austere.

I’ve never been asked that. And…I don’t talk to myself openly about it.

The perfume community: We did not see it that way.

LACEY. …Did you know that you were so unimpressed? And regardless…I didn’t experience that at all.

Lacey: I wasn’t-

I don’t let myself-

*Can’t talk*

No. They’re already…not…what once was. Even in the early 1910’s. In my opinion.

A British historian: Compared to when?

Lacey: The 1870’s, even.

A British historian: How!?

Lacey: …They seem anxious.

In the 1870’s…it was…endless. …The wealth felt…endless.

You didn’t…worry about…manners. You worried about…being sexy for your husband. First and foremost.

…Lady Mary…is…so nervous. So…nervous to appear…as Lady Mary. …Pat Wilson seems nervous.

No one…way back in the 1860’s and 70’s…was feeling that…nervous.

You worried about wearing a corset properly. You wanted to be…sexy. Because…the old order was still intact? Somewhat. Industrialization hadn’t changed that much? Or had it? …Well…not enough.

Not where I was?

So…manners were innate. People just had manners. It was a given. There was nothing to be done. …”Jennie” Jerome was new.

Jeanette. That’s funny…

Woody Allen…

Eerie.

Anyway, she…was new. Right?

…No. You were supposed to wear a corset. And look…good.

Actually, it was kind of like in Gone With the Wind. That’s the same time period, of course. Only in America.

But…that would have been my experience too.

You had good breeding. You had…all that. What set you apart was being…attractive. To men, of course.

You weren’t supposed to be a floozy. Of course. But you were supposed to be…a blossoming beauty.

And that obsession does speak to real wealth. The obsession with fertility and perfect glamour. That takes time and money and stability to delve into to that degree. Not as a distraction, but…to find happiness in the middle of extreme wealth and a search for meaning.

The historian: Give specifics.

You were four years older than Jennie?

Lacey: Yes! If there’s reincarnation.

She was a sweetheart. If I remember her. She was actually an absolute sweetheart.

It’s no wonder Sir Winston Churchill had…a certain kindness to him?

…Umm…-

You wore…silk.

Everyone wore silk. It was as ubiquitous as polyester is in 2026.

It was warm. …People were suddenly fairly healthy? And robust? …And they heated the rooms…well.

There were tons of cigars. …Loads of good drinks. …It felt like…one of those riverboats on the Mississippi? Quite a party! Except…it was in HUGE mansions. …All well lit. All warm.

…It just felt…luxurious. Slow. Decadent. …You felt that the empire had a lot of life left in it. It felt…safe.

The perfume community: You think we’re heartless cruel snobs.

…You thought it was hilarious to tell us you were old money…as revenge for the people who WE SNUB. …You assumed we’re jerks to waiters? Absolute scum, to those we feel superior to?

Lacey: *Thinks*

Yes.

The perfume community: Oh no. See…that’s never been talked about.

You think we’re pricks.

Lem said that. But I’d bet you forgot you had even thought that!

Lacey: Yes.

A woman in Lacey’s neighborhood: You think I’m a heartless snob too.

Lem: Aren’t you?

Why do you all try so hard to seem superior? Lacey and I were raised that way. Why do you do it? What do you get out of it?

Huh?

*He laughs*

You can’t fool me.

I’m sorry.

Bobby: You were straight!??

You weren’t attracted to men!?

Cheryl: He’s processing it.

Bobby: He woke her up at 5 AM. A demon told me-

Jonah: I don’t want to know more.

He was…probably being…romantic?

Bobby: *Laughs*

YUP!

You bet.

*He laughs*

I’ll tell you something! …I’m no fool.

That man…acted gay.

He actually acted GAY.

He was extremely convincing.

…My family deserves a real apology from Kirk LeMoyne Billings. …He lied to us.

Marcy: How are you piecing this all together just now?

Bobby: *Laughs*

Well, see…I’m getting sicker. My strength is waning.

…And I don’t have it in me…to keep… demonically attacking his energy. To…-

…It’s too…hard. I’m…-

So…-

And in the last few weeks? Ha! …He’s been able to manifest. More. And last night…my guides informed me…he was talking to her. HE WOKE HER UP! In her bed.

So…they set off a car alarm. Woke-up her kids.

*He shrugs*

And that was the end of that shit.

*He laughs*

Lacey’s neighbor: YOU conjured a car alarm? Just to interrupt LACEY!?

Bobby: Yes.

Of course I did.

*He laughs*

*Rolls his eyes*

Catch-up.

Good grief.

Do you read this blog or not!?

…Yes.

Lacey’s neighbor: So…they play with technology?

Bobby: Of course. Haven’t you ever watched a horror movie!?

*He laughs at them*

Lacey’s neighbor: But it’s harming you?

Bobby: Yes. It’s bad for my health.

*He chuckles*

And…anyway…I’m becoming more convinced. See…before…he was manifesting, but it was because of the British. You know? They have…psychics. And…-

*He waves his hands, to indicate something.*

Last night!? He was just there!

That’s TOO WEIRD.

*He laughs*

Lacey’s neighbor: Dude. Do your guides wake you up? How did you hear this!?

Trump: He has a VERY UNHEALTHY sleep schedule.

Bobby: *Looks embarrassed, slightly*

Well.

Okay.

Yes, they wake me up!

Lacey’s neighbor: That’s…so unhealthy.

Bobby: I think…it’s fine.

*He looks sleepy*

*He has to sit down, with Cheryl’s help.*

Lacey’s neighbor: Who else do your guides wake you up for?!? To provide new information?

Bobby: Several world leaders. A few people in the FBI and CIA.

Friends.

Ex-lovers.

My children?

Cousins, sometimes.

Lacey’s neighbor: How many hours of sleep do you get…at once?

Bobby: *Looks exhausted*

*Laughs*

Four?

It’s fine. I’m old. I don’t need much sleep anymore.

Lacey’s neighbor: No. You’re lying. You already told us that you’re getting tired…

Bobby: *Just laughs*

Lacey’s neighbor: Dude, why!?

Bobby: *Looks sad*

*Mutters something to himself, under his breath*

I LIKE TO KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON!!!

Lacey’s neighbor: Why?

Bobby: …I have my reasons.

Lacey’s neighbor: But you don’t need to know all of that? Right!??

Bobby: …I decide. Not you.

Lacey’s neighbor: It’s killing you!

It’s killing us.

Bobby: *Blinks*

It’s not a concern. It’s not at all a concern for you.

I’m doing the Lord’s work. I don’t think you understand.

Lacey’s neighbor: You’re a menace.

Bobby: Ha! I’ve been called a menace since childhood.

*He smiles and laughs, trying to back out of his own driveway in his car.*

Lacey’s neighbor: Should you be driving!?

Bobby: *Smiles*

Driving is much easier for me than walking, once I sit down. I can drive myself anywhere. For hours!

Walking is a different story.

*He drives to a restaurant, to meet with his friends.*

*Later*

The perfume community: We are lacking consideration for our underlings. You read us correctly.

I mean…not all of us, but a lot.

But we’re the perfume community. We don’t care about offending people, at all at times. We’re even rude, sometimes.

*They shrug*

*Later*

A reader: *Laughing*

Wait…so…do you guys have a point?

You all brought-up Downton Abbey. …Why?

The perfume community: Oh.

Well…we can’t relate.

*They laugh*

So…I think one really loud person, or a group of us, were trying to suggest that…she watched that series with a completely different mindset. For us, it was impossible luxury, and for her it was sad. Very different.

And I think…they were going to say that…that was part of what she misunderstood. …To us…it’s a crazy dream.

Lacey: What does that mean?

You can’t actually be me. And I can’t actually be you.

What are you trying to say?

The perfume community: *Thinks*

Wow.

Did you have fun? How much fun were you having?

Lacey: A decent amount.

The perfume community: Yeah.

Was it-

See, I wonder if you were right about the whole pub thing. Like, it’s not your place.

You know perfume, you love perfume…but…we just don’t get along easily. At least, not over time. Not for long stretches of time.

…When I watched Downton Abbey I was…enraptured. I cannot imagine how it must have felt to actually live there.

…That’s my perspective. I’m…impressed by their life.

So…that should tell you something about how I see perfume. What appeals to me.

Lacey: Does understatement appeal to you?

The perfume community: *Thinks*

Huh.

*Thinks*

No.

Lacey: I noticed that.

A lot of you appreciate a…bold…aesthetic.

The perfume community: Are you really into understatement?

Lacey: I think in Scandinavian countries…understatement is always popular. I’m not sure why…

But…that wasn’t popular for most of you.

The perfume community: No.

We’re in love with…the gilt.

*They laugh*

Lacey: Did you understand that I was into understatement? Or…did you assume I was poor at times because of that?

The perfume community: *Thinks*

Huh.

I wonder if we did get confused.

*Thinks*

We do like bold statements…

Lacey: Yeah.

Perfume itself can be bold.

The perfume community: That’s true!

Lacey: See…-

So you’re all just…living it up?

The perfume community: Yes.

Hedonism.

*They laugh*

Lacey: And so…what was I supposed to say? When I kept being attacked?

The perfume community: *Thinks*

We didn’t show you much mercy. We got jealous and then just kicked the shit out of you.

Lacey: It seems so.

I’m still shocked.

The perfume community: *Thinks*

Well…maybe there was nothing else you could say. Or do.

But it did hurt. And we obviously are too egotistical to handle the truth. We are obsessed with winning. And you…won. You won. And we can’t stand you anymore.

Lacey: Why did it have to be so…black and white?

The perfume community: We don’t live in a manner house in 1870. *They shrug*

Maybe we could be more…colorful…but we have no such experience.

*They shrug*

Casi: Okay. So.

Yes…I assumed too much.

But, why did I deserve to be told you were old money? That’s what I have never been able to figure out.

Lem: Because you’re an obnoxious prick.

You were all mean, cold…jealous pricks.

*Later*

Another woman in the perfume community: But don’t you think that’s mean?

Lem: So what?

Casi: I would never do that!

Lacey: No. Because you’re passive aggressive. But you’re the one, actually one of the people, who started it. …What he’s saying is true.

Another woman in the perfume community: But it’s so damn mean!

You’re essentially that there’s no way to compete with you.

Lem: SO WHAT!?

Why is that a problem?

Another woman in the perfume community: Because even if they attacked her…they’re the ones who are disadvantaged.

Lacey: Then they shouldn’t have started a childish, immature fight. They shouldn’t be stalking me. People shouldn’t be copying me.

It’s very simple.

Another woman in the perfume community: But they’re disadvantaged!

Lacey: What are you trying to say?

Lem: Good question.

A man in the perfume community: Lacey…isn’t it enough to be better? Why say it?

Lem: Are you a shallow, egotistical bastard?

*He laughs*

She’s not that…bad of a person. Why are you maligning her character?

Lacey: Yeah.

So what?

I didn’t join the community to be better than people. Not like that, anyway. That’s not…a good thing? Why would that be comforting?

A female journalist in the community: Yeah. Okay.

I get it.

Lem: *Laughs*

It’s been A DECADE.

I’m not okay with this. We’re not happy.

She’s not even able to be in the community anymore. She was being inundated with hate.

Are you people blind?

*Later*

A woman in Chicago: I think what we have here…is a group of people who were being dumb.

The perfume community is clearly comprised mainly of Liberal jackasses.

And…so…they decided…that even though they were being cruel to her…that they were allowed. …Because…they were disadvantaged, somehow.

Yes, she was supposed to go through all the hoops of being a good person but they…didn’t have to. Because, given her privilege, they were allowed to do whatever the hell they wanted to do.

That’s clearly morally incorrect. You can’t tell me that poor people are given special rights in Heaven to be evil. …I’m not saying that stealing actual food when you’re starving isn’t different of you’re poor. No, not at all. But…you can’t go around being a bitch to people who are just minding their own business, just because you’re poor. …That’s totally unnecessary.

Casi: Okay.

You know what? I don’t know who you are…but…- I was nice to her.

The woman: YEAH RIGHT.

Yeah, right.

*She laughs at Casi.*

Casi: You don’t know what happened!

The woman: I think I do.

What’s more, I think you know I do.

*She waits*

You’re a crazy Liberal, aren’t you? But you’re not honest about it, because you’re living in rural America. I can tell!

*She laughs*

*People are silent, in response.*

A man in Lacey’s neighborhood: Alright.

*He scoffs.*

Jim: What if what she’s saying is true?

*People are silent in response.*

A woman in the perfume community: Okay.

Fine.

Maybe we did basically feel that way.

Lacey: Okay.

*Later*

Lacey: So…I’m confused. What did you feel?

Casi: Can’t you ask that fake woman?

*She rolls her eyes and scoffs*

Lacey: I can’t.

So…what did you all feel?

The perfume community: *Looks confused.*

*Later*

Lacey: So what’s going on?

The perfume community: I don’t like that woman’s…vanilla value system. It’s annoying as hell. But…if I’m being honest? She’s not totally wrong.

I just don’t get…feeling…no sympathy for her? Or any of us.

Lacey: Because I don’t see you as actually inferior. You’re not allowed to be dumb people to me…just because you’re not old money.

*Later.*

Casi: But you made me…and other people…feel inferior.

Lacey: And that bothered you?

Casi: Yes…

Lacey: In what way?

Casi: You cannot be serious!!!

*She flips-out.*

Lacey: No. I’m quite serious.

You’re attacking me. You committed a felony.

What’s your reason? I imagine it better be pretty darn good. Or you’re just a “psycho”, silly, ugly hearted fool…

Casi: My ego means more to me than you. My ego is like my baby.

I worship myself. Constantly.

Marijolijn, David, Christine, and several others who followed her: We are the same. Our egos…matter…to us.

*Later*

The perfume community: Except…we aren’t just egotistical idiots.

Really.

Casi: No.

It’s out egos. Certainly.

But…it’s also that we are deeply insecure people.

Lacey: How is that my fault? Or my responsibility?

The perfume community: *Thinks*

So you don’t feel bad at all?

Lacey: No. I do.

Of course I do.

The perfume community: Then why don’t you care??

Lacey: I DO.

But I didn’t create any of you. And you’re all adults.

The perfume community: *Thinks*

No, it’s our problem.

Lacey: I’m not you. I can’t help you the way you can help yourselves. …I can’t…do your thinking for you. Or your healing.

The perfume community: We assumed you cared too much, and so…ironically it was funny to impersonate you. Because you’re dense. And…backward.

Lacey: Nope.

That’s sad that you assumed that.

A Black woman: I would bet none of you talked to this woman? At least not really.

The perfume community: Yes.

Okay. But why are you so fricking nice!?!

Lacey: Do you agree with them?

*She asks Lady Angela Rosslyn.*

Lady Angela: NO!

She’s not.

You’re-

*She runs off to talk to someone.*

Lacey: Why are you all so mean and grumpy all of the time?

Why is everyone so…grumpy? I’ve been told this since I was a child.

Lem: My generation, our generation, was actually nicer. Part of it is genetics. And there’s nothing anyone can do. She’s just nicer by innate genetic instinct. She’s not choosing to be herself. No one is. And we are all extremely complex beings.

A hater in the community who is Black: We hate ourselves.

Lacey: WHY!?

The hater: Well…I don’t know…but in all seriousness…I’m thinking it’s a societal problem.

Lacey: Me too. It’s too wide spread not to be.

Another woman (white) in the community: *Had something to say, but chickened out.*

*Later*

Lacey drives by a woman in her neighborhood who she’s never seen before. She’s with her young child. The woman seems to be enjoying telling her son how weird Lacey is. And Lacey hears this because Lacey’s husband has his windows down. Except…she seems to be. So…there’s also a chance the woman isn’t doing anything at all.

The Illuminati: We did that.

We started years ago. Some dumbass thought we could give her a real diagnosis of schizophrenia if we just kept working at it. So far, it’s been pretty bad…for us.

Lacey: I’m just not schizophrenic. You can’t make someone mentally-ill in that way.

*She laughs*

Oh well. There’s a reason why we’re moving.

They’ll be happier in about a year.

A reader: So…are you going to do the same thing in the next community she moves to?

The Illuminati: Maybe.

*Looks mildly embarrassed*

A lot of us aren’t old money. Okay?

We’re dumb narcissists. Who isolate people.

*They laugh with Lacey.*

We didn’t figure it would happen this way. Where she’s outing us…moment by moment on her blog-

*They laugh with Lacey.*

A reader: Was that a Jew?

Israel: YES!

Yes.

Lacey’s smart. Okay!??

Jews are often smart. I’ll take that stereotype. Thank you.

*He laughs*

She’s not a Jew…but…she fits in, somewhat.

We are…apparently…outing the Illuminati.

A reader: Israel is putting the Illuminati on air…to explain themselves. …Using Lacey??

Israel: Yes.

In a way.

I guess it was only a matter of time.

A reader: I thought you people liked secret plots for world domination?

Israel: Well. What culture doesn’t? Right?

But…sometimes…we’re just too Jewish to let ourselves get away with it.

Lacey: I don’t think they’ll be able to attack me as easily when I move.

The Illuminati: True.

She’s scary. You know?

She might actually be Scotia.

Do you have any idea what kind of shit we’ve gotten ourselves into? Attacking her?

A reader: But you’re not all Jews.

Jerry: True.

Lacey: I’m sorry I made you all feel more insecure?

The perfume community: *Looks confused*

What did you do to the people in her community!?

The Illuminati: We set things up.

Slowly, over time.

The perfume community: Why do you care so much?

The Illuminati: *sighs*

Ego.

Oil.

Christ.

Lots of deep stuff.

A neighbor: Are you going to still watch us, after she moves?

The Illuminati: Not really.

*They laugh.*

Do any of you have mineral rights to one of America’s largest oil reserves?

And a birth father like Tom Banks?