On Marriage Part II

We like calamari.

As a writer of a blog I’m often torn between being extremely exact for the sake of clarity for readers and letting myself be as opaque as I often prefer to be. I would like to be more poetic but I have a feeling it reads as opaque instead. I want to connect with readers but I also don’t want to sacrifice my own artistic tendencies.

The problem is…I get misunderstood if I’m too faithful to my whims and fancies. I’m actually currently struggling deeply with this issue in the novel I’m trying to write. How do I create something I can feel good about while also being at least palatable? As with perfume there’s nothing inherently wrong with being a crowd pleaser when it’s well deserved. Just being esoteric for the sake of it isn’t inherently better than being likeable. F. Scott Fitzgerald was and is popular, perhaps increasingly so after death. Hemingway was always Hemingway. …But they were brilliant artists as well. And I love their writing like many people who can read English.

Anyway, I reread my last post and because I felt the need to be open today I guess I should clarify a few things.

First of all, no we really are friends. My husband and I. I’m being honest. Best friends.

We matched here.

He was in the room when I gave birth to both of our children. The second time when the pain killers didn’t work because the nurse waited too long (bless her heart) he rubbed my feet almost the entire time to keep me from feeling the searing pain of natural childbirth as I experienced it. He might not have been a faithful boyfriend when it comes to other women but he’s been there for me in countless other ways. And he’s an excellent father. A faithful husband too as far as I know. Ha! …And no, really, after a while given the nature of our close and honest friendship and the work I’ve done to move past the pain I’ve experienced with him as a romantic partner I can almost laugh at how badly the romantic part has been. Almost. …Almost. Not that it doesn’t still hurt like heck when I recall it all or try to consider going back to actively being his wife. I’m separated because after ten years it’s just…clear intuitively that even if we care about each other deeply we aren’t going to be magically different people and certain people can only love each other so much.

The thing is…I think people can be in love at different times to different degrees. Not everything matches up well. I fell madly in love. He grew to love me as a girlfriend and then wife. But, like a wise mother of a friend once told me, “If a man doesn’t love you deeply at first it’s unlikely he ever will.” I didn’t believe her then but experience has taught me otherwise. And…as a romantic by nature I can’t make myself happy enough being “comfortable”. My “husband” and I have a marriage where we could be happy enough if we didn’t want romance. Like, he never proposed. We talked about one night after a fight in the Bahamas and it was more of an idea we agreed upon than anything else. He always promised he’d propose eventually but he never really did. He’d kind of do it…but it was deeply anticlimactic and scripted when he vaguely tried to. As in, we were already married and he walked with me and gave me a ring I already knew I was going to wear. Now, that said, he was kind about looking for the ring. We really do make great friends… Our dates were always fun. We have fun together. We both like adventure and traveling and are at ease exploring. We’re cerebral folks.

But where my dear “husband” likes the thought of settling down and just letting our friend-marriage be what it is…and I fully respect that I try to accept it but then Valentine’s Day comes around and yet again it’s horribly depressing. I see happy couples holding hands and I wish I had that to look forward to. I can have fun…but we don’t have that thing depicted in films or books. Music. It was physical attraction, deep friendship and a pleasant, easy-going love that may not have led to marriage had I not been as in love as I once was. He liked what we had and I loved him deeply… Two kids later we’re incredibly close but the marriage seems to have faded. Some things seem promising and instead one just has misunderstood. I misunderstood what we had.

My husband is a leader. He’s not a person to mess with. He’s incredibly smart too. But…you can’t make love happen and it has to be equal if it’s going to last…or close to it? I adore him as a person still but as much as I hope to always know him and have him in my life I wouldn’t want to go back to being his wife.

How’s that? Did I explain enough? Probably not… I tried I guess. And, why not? Really.

On Marriage

My husband and I are approaching our 10 year anniversary. We’re still technically married but we separated a few months back for good (almost definitely) and it feels permanent this time. I’m not sure if we’ll ever divorce or not. To be honest he doesn’t want to. I’ve wanted to but then I’m convinced not to and this time I’m just “letting go of it” in a way that works… Let me explain.

First, the thing is we are actual close friends and we have two kids together. We really do love each other deeply as people.

My “husband” started our relationship telling me that he was going to sleep with other women and that I’d just have to deal with that, but that he’d not lie about it and he wanted to keep seeing me. Eventually he started to fall in love, I got tired of sharing him, especially with women who hated and attacked me passively and otherwise and so told him I’d stop seeing him if he didn’t become totally monogamous. He was shocked, but he agreed.

Eventually he lost interest in anyone else and we got married because I thought we were deeply in love and could work everything out that still troubled us over time. Turns out we didn’t quite match. I was deeply in love and he was in love.

He loves me more than he’s ever loved anyone else but it’s always been a bit one-sided in the sense that my love for him was more than I’ve loved anyone else and I’ve actually loved other men whereas he’s never loved another woman. He doesn’t fall in love easily. At all. He used to be even a bit cutthroat about it…

I think sex and romance are impossible to separate. I know plenty of people who would disagree with me but I think they’re together and while some might not experience them both that doesn’t mean they objectively are separate. Some people don’t experience every aspect of a situation and that doesn’t mean those aspects don’t exist.

My husband’s years of being a playboy with lots of partners and his honesty with me about those experiences is part of what led me to the above understanding. It was once his dream to be a writer like Tucker Max as he admired him. He even met him once and got his autograph. But despite what you might think my “husband” would not disagree with the previous paragraph.

Anyway, we’re friends. Real friends. And maybe someday I’ll remarry. Maybe someday my “husband” will. Neither of us are in a hurry as we have kids to raise together and we’re both hesitant for our own different reasons.

When we die, hopefully many decades from now, we both suspect we’ll be more like best friends or like siblings than anything else. I hope we’ll both meet our soulmates in the afterlife…if we don’t miraculously find them while we’re alive. Loving my “husband” the way I do I might even try to help him find this woman. Without jealousy (honestly) I have to say she better deserve him.

…But yeah. It’s a Millenial relationship. Some Millenials don’t get married for a myriad of reasons but are in love. It’s common. We’re married but not together. Haha. We support each other. We care for each other. We’re legally married and it didn’t start out this way but…it’s evolved into this finally. I can’t say it’s the life I wanted or want at all in regard to a relationship romantically but it’s what works right now. And unlike certain previous generations I will not name I’m not going to presume my kids won’t be affected if we divorce (some people of previous generations do seem to know this too though).

Anyway…that’s all. That’s it.