Category Archives: Journal

I actually am against live-streaming an execution.

Listen to “Sweet Dreams” by the Eurythmics.

If we do that, and we probably will…I worry about what will happen. People will get ideas.

Tucker: And then they’ll use that. To watch and see who’s into the idea.

Lacey: You know? That won’t work.

Elliott: I AGREE.

The CIA: But we monitor gun sales.

Elliott: OH REALLY??!

No you don’t.

Not really.

There were thousands of illegal guns sold, in the last year. THOUSANDS.

A Somalian in Minnesota: He’s right.

Elliott: You’re going to start a civil war.

Putin: *puts his pointer finger to his lips*

Shh…

*he laughs*

The song ends.

Listen to “Gangnam Style” by Feuerschwanz.

Bobby: *dances, wildly*

The Illuminati: This is what he does when he can’t have sex. He’s trying to exhaust himself.

Bobby: *breathless, forces himself to keep dancing*

*he jumps, twirls, does lots of moves*

The song ends. He claps for himself. Laughs.

The Illuminati: GET SOME SLEEP.

He goes off, to bed, using his walker, because he’s completely exhausted.

Listen to “Gangnam Style” by PSY.

China: He’s not working for us.

If he is…we don’t know. Just to clarify.

The U.S.: *nods and smiles*

Elliott: So…what will you do when Trump’s assassinated?

The FBI: Because of the livestream?

A Tired American: Are you sure they’re going to stop with just him?

Listen to “Astronaut In The Ocean” by Masked Wolf.

Lacey: This song…is for NOW.

Not years ago.

A trucker: She’s right.

LISTEN.

A German woman: Who’s going to be killed?

Lacey: *Thinks*

Vets.

THOUSANDS OF VETS.

Some homeless. Actually, many homeless.

The CIA: Who else?

Lacey: Gangs.

Extremists.

And actually, those are the people I’m worried about the most. Extremists.

The CIA: Where?

Lacey: *Thinks*

All over.

Listen to “Calabria” by Enur.

A group of white male extremists, in Indiana. Watching, in the future, as the attacker is shot.: *sweaty, hot, and tired.*

A. This isn’t the same-

B. I saw this…last Thursday.

C. NAH! That was different.

A. Are we sure?

B. Is this one…real?

A. DAMN SURE!!

*they watch it*

All of them: *drop open their mouths, slightly*

A. *Laughs*

B. Is this real?

C. YES!!!!

A. Look…I gotta say-

C. If we attack next March…we ain’t gotta take Cheryl. She can stay with Mark.

A. I’m not going there in March.

C. But Patty won’t take the bus.

A. We have to do it.

Listen to “Thriller” by Micheal Jackson.

Lacey: So…-

The CIA: *attacks her*

Satan: They just forced her to listen to the subliminal recorded messages, in the music. Because she’s using good earphones and she can hear the faint sounds of people talking. Or other noises.

And it’s…incredibly disturbing. Because…they’ve decided…all of the most shameful things…are some how her fault?

Chris: Yes. That’s the curse.

Listen to “Christmas Tree Farm” by Taylor Swift.

Lacey: It’s very subtle in this one.

I’m not even sure if it’s there.

The Illuminati: Okay.

Satan: I’m not…okay with this, guys.

*he cringes*

Do you want a country? Or no?

Elliott: How weird would it be…if I told you…that you hate her…because of what COULD have happened? …Not what actually happened.

She could have famously been my wife. And I bet…you’d have seen our faces photographed in Life.

I’m wearing a pair of shorts. And a polo shirt.

She’s sitting next to me, on a brick fence. It’s the spring. These are black and white photos.

Ring a bell!?

Yeah?

She’s…gorgeous. Her aunt owned a clothing store in Long Beach, California. And…she learned how to dress, particularly well. She looks…great.

We’re smiling.

It was…1942. I had already served. In the war. And I was planning to go back. But the idea was that…we were still getting married.

It was…very popular. Everyone loved that image. It’s iconic. In another universe.

Do you hate her…because of our photo? …Sometimes people love the actual people in the famous picture, and sometimes they really do not.

Bobby: Why she leave your ass? Whatchu do!? Huh!? You cheat?

Elliott: Yes.

Bobby: Figures.

*he laughs*

Then she go marry Lem Billings?

Elliott: Yes.

Bobby: When you gonna break this curse on me? I’m tired of being a poor Chinese man.

Elliott: Soon. They say it’s over, soon.

Bobby: Dammit.

I just want sex. And to go to bed.

Geez!!!!

Elliott: So?

The perfume community: Maybe?

Dimitry: I’m offended by the portrayal of Bobby, because of its implications about me.

Lem: *laughs*

You don’t have any attraction to Chinese men?

Lacey: Okay.

Well…-

I’m losing interest in writing this. It’s starting to feel redundant.

A female reader: People don’t seem interested enough. Even energetically.

Elliott: You don’t have any idea how you feel? About that photo?

A group of people: Okay! You’re cool. *they roll their eyes and scoff*

Lem: That’s all ya got!?

A group of people: *almost laughs at him*

Yup, I guess.

God: So you’re all significantly more important than Emperor Constantine?

A group of people: Mmm…-

Mm…no. But…I’m not going to be bothered by that.

It’s essential I be getting on with my life.

God: You don’t care about history?

A group of people: Ha!

They’re not relevant to today. At all.

Scotia? Constantine!? Like…who are THEY!?

*they laugh*

I’m interested…in…what’s here NOW. …RELEVANCY.

I’m not interested in…a man named Constantine.

Harvard: Do you all collect perfume?

The group: YES.

*they laugh*

As a matter-of-fact, we do.

A hater: WHEN DID YOU EVER GROW-UP!? *they yell at Lacey*

Lacey: I-

Many years ago.

A hater: You sound nervous. *they smile*

Why?

Lacey: You’re being incredibly aggressive. You don’t make any sense. And…you’re creeping me out.

A hater: Fine!!

Why aren’t you…-

Dammit, I don’t know. I just feel like you’re failing somehow.

Lacey: Are you reading me?

A hater: Yes.

Lacey: That’s not real.

You’re getting confused.

A hater: How is that not insecurity?

Lacey: You’re reading my doubts. …It’s not even self doubt. It’s…actual doubt. …I like to be sure of things. So I question myself, brutally. And you’re reading that.

That’s not me.

A hater: Oh.

Are you sleeping with Elliott?

Lacey: No.

Anyway. Off to bed.

A man in the CIA: She’s very good at talking about us. And we’re too narcissistic to notice.

Satan: She could literally be Satan!

God: Except not. Because, they’re both better off separate.

The CIA: Satan and Lacey are bad for each other!?

God: *laughs*

No. But they’re going to be best, separate.

A woman reading this blog: We’re tired.

We’re just tired.

I turn on my television and I don’t think. My parents were the same way.

I think we started worshiping Bobby because…we were told to.

A demon: I’d just like to point out The Simpson’s are playing. Right now. In her house. …And it’s “Tree House of Horror Number III”. The one where Krusty comes home to a doll, and gives Homer a sponge bath.

…She could be with Satan, provided she hasn’t been lied to. Provided it’s even possible.

But she’s choosing Lem.

She is a she. Lacey is a she. …And she’s…in love with Lem.

…You have two real options.

1. She’s a sexless, pathetic, unhappy woman. And for some sad reason she’s in love with a dead gay man. You should pray she gets…a chance to be an adult, and enjoy sex. At least once.
2. Lem was not gay. And still isn’t.

But you can’t actually do both. Logically. Believe it or not. And despite what the current Illuminati says, logic and math do matter. Up is actually up.

*Lacey watches the show*

The demon: She didn’t watch this show. The synchronicities are real.

Two other points: 1. She didn’t know Mark had money. His family didn’t know that.

But no, she only knew he had a good job. But she had absolutely no idea he had a savings.

He told her that…in…2011. They’d moved-in together before she knew.

She only moved-in with him to not…die alone. Essentially.

And no, her father didn’t know his father had suspected her of being a gold-digger. When he gave her her inheritance. Or a part of it. …That was not to exonerate her.

2. This blog was never meant to be about the Kennedys. Truly.

*later*

A man who may be her father-in-law: So…you had no idea!?

Did someone tell her? Did someone tell her that that’s what we were thinking!?

The Illuminati: Yes.

Lacey: I had no idea.

That man: We didn’t know either way, but we assumed the worst.

Lacey: It’s not that much money…

I inherited more from my father.

That man: *Thinks*

I guess it’s not.

Lacey: I mean, it’s not nothing. …It’s extremely unusual to have a net worth and no debt in your twenties, and a good job. Sadly. But…it wasn’t actually that much.

*she laughs*

…You all are very well-off…why did you think it was such a big deal!?!?

*she looks confused*

The man: *Thinks*

Because you were so good-looking!

Lacey: …To me, this is who I was dating:

If there’s reincarnation.

It’s…nice to marry a handsome man. …But…Mark has presence. And real intelligence.

Thomas Thynne, 2nd Viscount Weymouth: I think you may not have fully understood how charming your son really was and is…

The man: He was…-

But she was extraordinary.

It just seemed…-

*He thinks*

What attracted you to him?

Lacey: I thought he was good-looking. But it was mostly his attitude. …It was just…the way he…carried himself.

The man: We also hated that she hadn’t graduated from college. We felt…snobby about it, I guess.

God: What if she’d graduated from Oxford?

The man: I’d have hated her. …I’d have completely loathed her.

Lacey: I know.

…So…what exactly…was the real issue?

A previous girlfriend of Mark’s: They hated me too.

Lacey: Would you really have loathed me?

The man: Yes.

Lacey: What if I was louder? Like a louder person? …Someone who spoke-up more.

The man: *Thinks*

I might have loved that.

Lacey: Huh.

So, you wanted a…talkative person?

The man: …Yeah.

Thomas Thynne: Mark didn’t want that. Those women don’t attract him.

The man: *thinks*

Thomas Thynne: He’s a great lad.

A good worker. A kind man.

Do you want to keep him? *he laughs, jovially*

We’ll take him back, if you don’t like him enough. You know?

Or we’ll just take him. Add him to the list.

I do like the name Mark.

The man: You’re going to take my son!?

Thomas Thynne: …If you don’t like him.

We do.

*Later*

Satan: *laughing*

What made you jump to “gold-digger”!? There were a plethora of other perfectly hateful options.

The man: I wanted to be…a rich man. It made me feel rich.

Satan: *thinks*

But what if it wasn’t true!? Wasn’t that a rather risky insult?

The man: I guess…

Lacey: It was such a strange way to enter a family.

Lacey: *laughs with Satan*

My!

That’s a new take, on Jesus…

A Black woman: *laughs*

Lacey: Maybe he was Egyptian.

Lem: *Laughs with them all, loud enough for him to be heard*

No, it’s not that she’s stupid. Or incorrect. …It’s that…look.

I’m imagining the Egyptians looking like him- *he laughs with Lacey*

Lacey: But he was Jewish anyway.

Lacey: OH!

Now I see why your brain went there…-

Do one of our sons look like him!? If there’s reincarnation?

Lem: *nods*

Lacey: *Smiles*

This book makes me furious.

To be honest.

The Illuminati: Is that a death threat…on Prince Andrew’s life? For eating babies.

Satan: Yes. From a dead Swedish prince. …Yes, he may have accidentally eaten a reincarnated Swedish prince.

Why does that piss you off, Lacey?

Lacey: I don’t entirely know. …It just seems…so stupid.

Satan: Why?

Lacey: He’s…dead. Why write about him?!

Satan: Why not?

Lacey: Because he’s dead.

Satan: I’m not understanding. Elaborate.

Lacey: …He’s a great kid! I can tell.

It just seems…odd…to…write about his death.

…Why are we supposed to read this?

Elliott: *laughs with Lacey*

Especially the way he died. HE DIED FROM WEARING HIS SANDALS…?

*Lacey laughs with him*

Lacey: He just walked in a lake?

Elliott: Ahh! Wearing his sandals.

It was the sandals that killed him…- *he laughs*

Lacey: Why do we need those details on the back cover!??

The whole thing is just…weird.

She’s making her grief into a glamor shot!?

Elliott: YES!

*He laughs*

I don’t know. I could be wrong. But that’s my first thought too.

Lem: Poor kid.

Are you angry at her?

Lacey: For letting him die?

Yes.

Lem: That’s not our son, who died.

Lacey! Why not tell our readers now, how we lost our children.

Lacey: Should there be reincarnation? Sure.

1. I got deathly ill, and lost the baby.
2. I was told it was safe to ride a horse, and did. Thinking it made sense. And then I lost the baby. …It was too late in the pregnancy, for me.
3. Another time…-

Lem: We had sex. And I made a mistake.

Lacey: And another time…I was wearing a corset. …And I accidentally-

It was early enough-

It was a horrific mistake.

A hater: If you were high…or younger…I’d look the other way. But bitch…this is real.

The man: *crying*

SHE KNOWS THAT!!!!! *he yells at her*

A hater: FUCK YOU!!! *she yells at Lacey*

Prince Andrew: What’s your problem?!

A hater: You all are nuts.

The man: You think we eat babies!?!

Prince Andrew: *rolls his eyes*

She probably does!

A hater: No.

I’m not that dumb.

I just don’t-

I don’t give A SHIT.

Lord Thynne: Why?

A hater (from the perfume community): Because…she was…inappropriate.

Casi and her friends and family told me everything. …We all know.

Everyone in the perfume community knows what that ugly lesbian did to Casi. Mmhmm.

We all know.

The FBI: So a felony was committed. Almost for certain.

And…none of that smear campaign bullshit was ever true.

The boy who died: I was-

I’m a grown man, now. By the way.

Umm…-

She got busy.

God: Are you mad?

The boy: Yes.

An actor on “The Office”: Wow.

Sorry.

The boy: *laughs*

I want to say more…but I can’t.

Jesus: Lacey thought you were sitting on my lap, first.

The boy: …I thought you could just…walk around in the lake. And it intrigued me.

Lacey: That makes complete sense!

The boy: Yeah.

*later*

Another man: So…did you mean to imply that poor people were like…stupid? …When you said you were old money?

Lacey: No.

And everyone knew that.

That’s absolutely absurd.

Another man: Why?

Why is that absurd?

Lacey: It’s an unspoken social norm. …You don’t…- You don’t say stuff like that. That’s verboten.

So if I bring up that I’m old money…in the context I did…it should imply I mean something different. I’m not insulting anyone.

The title of my post was “crass answers for curious questions”. I think. You’re supposed to know…

Another man: Okay.

We weren’t fair. Admittedly.

But…we really did think you were being cruel. You seemed, to us, like you were insinuating something.

Lacey: What exactly?

Another man: That you thought we were losers…

Lacey: Wow.

That’s a shitty take on what I actually wrote.

Another man: *thinks*

Yeah, I guess that’s an incredibly insulting way to interpret it.

Lacey: Huh.

So did you really think that!?

*she pauses*

Or was it just way too much fun…to feel SUPERIOR!?!

Another man: Ultimately? …To feel superior.

Lacey: YEAH!

Huh.

No, I wasn’t meaning to insult anyone.

*a pause*

So are you all super happy now that I’m gone?

Another man: No.

And actually, it’s getting weird.

Lady Diana Spencer: You have my ear.

Why?

Another man: Because-

Because you’re broke.

Lady Diana Spencer: I don’t think that’s funny. What are you talking about?

Another man: *thinks*

Okay.

Lady Diana: Lacey was smart. Too smart.

Lacey: How so?

Lady Diana: You were too aware. And it drove them crazy.

Lacey: So now what?

Who will you copy next?

Another man: *Thinks*

Stanley Kubrick: They’ll die off. They have no more…”inspiration”.

A reader: She was the unaware “life of the party”?

Lem: The sad truth? No.

I mean, yes. In a way.

But…not really. We keep to ourselves.

A man in Eastern Europe: No! That’s why I hated her.

…I hate that…reserve.

So superior.

Lacey: That didn’t used to make people angry. Why does it now?

*later*

Lacey: Why?

Satan: That started with the idea that you were evil. They’ve been manifesting hated for you. And it’s affecting everyone.