Category Archives: Journal

Lacey: I’m going to have to invent a new aesthetic. On every level.

I’ve been doing old money farmhouse chic. In every facet of my life, aesthetically. …I’m not sure I can anymore.

Casi: Is that the filter I have all of my photos in?

Matt: Yes.

Dennis: What is this about?

Chris: Seay slaves.

Steve is still trying to hold on to them. In his subconscious.

Billings are related to Seays, in Tennessee.

Casi: One of the Casi people are from Tennessee.

Chris: Yes. And she has had a haunted-

No. She’s had a husband with my name.

Casi: *laughs*

Steve: What!?

Chris: Her husband’s name is Chris. *to Steve*

Lem: *to Steve*

I stabbed Jack in the back. I assassinated him.

She really is my wife in Heaven, and as a Christian you know that, and somehow things got really twisted in your head. And I think you started thinking that she was gonna stab you in the back. Because you’re a fan of JFK?

And we’re actually distantly related…and we ran the Underground Railroad and you did not, you had slaves…and you got rid of some of them, but you actually were significant slave holders. …I’m sorry to say that Silas was working with both sides.

He was working with the slave owners, and occasionally he would do some dirty work for them, finding the slaves who were trying to escape. And then occasionally, he would look the other way and actually help the escaping slaves. …He was not a simple person.

And I’m actually related to him, as well.

Stephen, I look like you. I also look like your sons. Do you see the resemblance?

Your father was not a stupid man either…and you know that, but I think you’ve underestimated how complicated you actually are too.

And I’m sorry if this embarrasses you. But no, you can explain it however you want, like with Becca‘s Charismatic Christianity, but you picked-up on the fact that that I’m real…and that Lacey is my wife in Heaven. And that we, on my mother’s side, were up north, in our family. And that we don’t agree with you folks Down South.

One of Lacey’s neighbors: You owned slaves? Starting in the 1700’s?

Lem: They did.

They were the country gentry.

Lacey: A lot of white people who had money back then had black slaves. In the South it was a way of life.

A black woman, who descended from slaves: Yeah. You were the owners and we were the property.

Lacey: Isn’t that something!?

A black woman who descended from slaves, in the perfume community: I just don’t think about it.

Lacey: See…I couldn’t help but think about it.

If I was you.

A black man in the community: I think about it!

Lacey: Yeah! It’s just ugly!

A black man in the community: *looks angry*

*later*

I’ve been watching season three of The Simpsons. You are that…Scottish…person?

Lacey: If there’s reincarnation? PROUDLY.

A black man in the community: But he’s not an aristocrat.

Lacey: We didn’t work it out that way. Originally. We fought.

A black woman: So…you worked hard to sort it out?

Scotland: *nods*

They’re supposed to be honorable. OR ELSE.

*a moment later*

God: Were you going somewhere with that?

Several black people in the perfume community: I feel guilty.

I was going to make fun of her.

Ilhan Omar: How?

The black people: I was thinking she was dumb. Or poor. Or ugly.

Ilhan Omar: And?

The black people: And so…I was waiting for my punchline. And it never arrived.

Ilhan Omar: Sounds like you got conned.

The black people: *fake laughs*

Are you and Lacey friends?

Lacey: Maybe?

What’s it to you?

The black people: I’m BLACK.

Lacey: Oh REALLY??

The black people: FUCK YOU!!! *they yell at Lacey*

Lacey: What!? You have a problem with Somalia!??

The black people: Are you Somalian?

Lacey: Actually…I wonder if there’s reincarnation…if Ancient Egyptians fled to Somalia. So in a way, yes. Possibly. Or they’re me.

Or rather, they’re my people.

Actually, truthfully, I worry that I’ve gotten them in trouble. They were having problems already, but I worry that I’ve gotten them in trouble by being their friend.

Ilhan Omar: Me too.

Lacey: Are you guys too poor and shitty, to be able to handle history, in this state? *she says to a white gang in Minnesota of poor people who made it rich*

The white New Money gang in Minnesota: Yeah we’re offended because you’re a snobby bitch and you refuse to put up with our shit and just let us take over. So we targeted Somalians. Because we’re friends with the governor, and we don’t appreciate the fact that you don’t put up with that shit.

A Somalian: So you’re trying to be racist, because you assumed that she would look the other way if you used us as your punching bag. As another white person.

The white New Money gang in Minnesota: Yes.

Lacey:  You are the same people who tried to harm my father, aren’t you, essentially? 

The white New Money gang in Minnesota: Yes. You piss us off with your genetic superiority.

We came from the shit part of Germany, you came from the knights who defended our ass, but we ain’t gotta fuck around with that shit no more, cause we got Satan fucking our ass now.

Lacey: Nope.

Why don’t you just punish the bad Somalians…who are actually breaking the law…and then leave the rest alone?

Or are you too screwed-up?

The white New Money gang in Minnesota: No!

We are!

We raided Ilhan…but we didn’t arrest her.

Lacey: She seems nice.

A lot of them do.

The white New Money gang in Minnesota: Yeah, okay.

They’re kinda stuffy.

Lacey: I find them refreshing.

The white New Money gang in Minnesota: Okay. Well. When they’re not breaking the law…maybe they are.

Lacey: I worked with them. At Macy’s. In the housewares department. They were…so…-

The white New Money gang in Minnesota: Straight?

Lacey: Yes. And decent.

I could laugh with them. And talk.

They weren’t jerks.

The white New Money gang in Minnesota: Did they try to date you?

Lacey: They were too…proper. It’s possible…one of them may have considered it. But…we had a working relationship. …They were such nice people.

They are a blast to work with.

Putin: I echo that experience.

The white New Money gang in Minnesota: Well, not everyone is having that experience.

Lacey: They’re my age. The people I knew.

Like Ilhan.

Maybe the newer immigrants aren’t as…well-bred?

The white New Money gang in Minnesota: Possibly.

Sadly.

Lacey: Sad.

Yeah, that was over ten years ago.

The white New Money gang in Minnesota: No, it’s not like that as much?

I mean, we have a real problem.

But I hear you.

Lacey: We can’t have another George Floyd.

Involving Somalians?

We have to stop being evil. We’ll starve to death. Or die in some other horrible way. OR…we’ll be waiting for a nuclear war…without moral outrage to keep us warm.

Except, yes. We do have a problem.

Ilhan Omar: Just stop harassing me. Just stop harassing me, as an individual, to make a point.

Lacey: Unless she needs to be warned. Because she’s doing something evil that you can’t hold her accountable for, legally.

But if that’s not the case, then you should stop.

A white Christian in Minnesota: She’s right. You should.

A Hispanic: Are you guys controlled by the Jews?

The white New Money gang in Minnesota: By the same Jews who killed Benjamin Guggenheim?

A Hispanic: Yeah…

The white New Money gang in Minnesota: If I’m controlled by any Jews? Yes.

They killed Benjamin Guggenheim!?

Dimitry: Are you sure you’re getting fucked by Satan!?

Benjamin Guggenheim: Yes.

I was stabbed in the back by my own people.

David Schiebel: That’s EVIL!! *he yells*

The white New Money gang in Minnesota: Did we put her father in prison?

Ben: Yes.

STOP.

Stop while you’re still ahead. PLEASE.

The white New Money gang in Minnesota: OR WHAT!?

Ben: DEATH!!!

Suffering!!

Parasites. Plagues.

STOP!!

Lacey: Actually, I worry that there could be an earthquake in Seattle or California and that it’ll affect you more than me.

The white New Money gang in Minnesota: Why?

Satan: We don’t have any sexual relations. Just to clarify.

Look…she has money.

…If there’s an earthquake in Seattle…you’ll have to absorb the shock. Far more.

Don’t fuck around and find out.

*later*

Bobby: So.

We are at a crossroads.

*he gets distracted*

WE HAVE FOUND THE HOLY GRAIL.

Cheryl Hines.

*he gets distracted*

I am…not Bart Simpson.

Cheryl, however, is Lisa. Yes, the Holy Grail…is Lisa Simpson.

*gets distracted*

I AM…HIGH.

*he laughs*

Yes, the Somalians are attacking us. To destroy the Kennedy Center. …Why? …I don’t know.

*he gets distracted*

I have…a lot to announce.

The Somalians are attacking us. They want to-

*he gets distracted*

THEY WANT TO MAKE MEN WORSHIP ALLAH!!

The Kennedy Center is a great place to…worship Jesus. So…they hate me. And my family.

The Illuminati: Your family isn’t famous for the Kennedy Center.

Bobby Kennedy: Yes. It was famous.

It’s a famous center for the performing arts.

Am I gay? Ha! Well…-

I come from a family of artists.

My Uncle Jack was a painter. My son is a cinematographer.

*he laughs*

Taylor Swift almost married into our family. She felt very at home with us.

We are…very artistic.

I am married to…a thespian.

*he laughs*

You know Peter Lawford? …MY UNCLE!

The black people: *look confused*

Bobby: The Somalians…are…attacking art.

It’s an attack…ON ART.

And Satan…is defending them. …And sexually rejecting Tim Walz.

Tim Walz: I’ve never tried to sleep with Satan.

*hiding laughter*

Bobby: Oh yeah right!

Steve: I don’t-

Bobby, are you really high?

*he sounds concerned*

Bobby: YES!

Cheryl said it was okay. As long as I didn’t leave the house.

Steve: What are you on, tonight?

Bobby: EX.

Steve: Oh, okay.

Huh.

I’m sorry you feel like you need to take that.

Bobby: Thank you.

Steve: Are you consciously aware of what you’re saying?

Bobby: *Thinks*

Steve: Because, I feel like…you’re kind of just getting laughed at.

Bobby: *Thinks*

Lord Loughborough: Lacey isn’t a child. Fully functioning adults can have a part of themselves that’s not been parented. That’s what she is.

Unfortunately, Bobby seems different.

A hater: Is it normal that she was trying to take South America?

Lord Loughborough: *laughing*

Yes.

I had similar ideas as a child.

Dimitry: We don’t think like that.

Lord Loughborough: You are different than me.

Bobby: But then how are we supposed to torture her? *in a whiny voice*

Guys!

We can’t torture her if we don’t have an angle.

We had been trying to snub her. And attack her cause she’s “not one of us”.

But if she’s better than us…how’s this supposed to work?

The Illuminati: It doesn’t.

A woman in the perfume community: Are you all actually just attacking her because of the oil?

The Illuminati: I wish.

No. It’s worse than that.

She’s in our “proximity” because of the oil. It’s sort of like cell phone coverage. I know, it sounds stupid, but that’s how it seems to work. So…we could interact with her really easily. And that’s how our group has stayed so functional for so long. People get money? We sometimes just run into them. You know? It all works like clockwork.

But it’s actually you guys. The perfume community refusing to accept reality. You did this. To some degree. You really did.

*they laugh*

You needed to be honest about who she really was. And you still haven’t been. You’re all still totally delusional.

We accidentally ran into her online. Natural as pie. Because of her family’s oil. We’ve met Bethany. We’ve met Joni. We’ve met Eric. We’ve been running into these people for years. All over the world! But…she’s the one we approached. And I guess we decided that we hated her. Largely because we knew you all definitely did, behind closed doors.

We found it funny. Maybe it made us feel better about the oil. I don’t know…

The thing is, she’s not at all an awkward person. Or ugly. So…it’s just gotten weird. Because she’s actually superior. We made fun of that at first, because we assumed it had to be a joke. Most of us are fake somehow. They’re not.

So now…we’re all just screwed.

Dennis Nesheim: What!?!

The Illuminati: Yeah.

Dennis Nesheim: What the hell did you do!??

The Illuminati: *almost cries*

We assumed we could “even the score”.

Matthew’s dead because he was really hot. I know that sounds stupid, but he was really good-looking. I mean his sister won Miss North Dakota. It’s genetic.

So I know it sounds ridiculous, but that was why, if we’re being honest, we focused on him and he’s now dead.  There are other good-looking men in your family, but he was one of the better looking people. 

We sent Mark to an early grave because he was sort of a leader. And we also sent Bill to an early grave because again he was a leader.

Dennis Nesheim: And Lacey is just fighting for her life totally unaware of what you’re doing to us?

The Illuminati: You’re a fucking asshole, you really are. You’re a total fucking asshole.

No shit, Sherlock.

Who do you think I am? This is not easy for her to be getting us to say to you. She’s gone through Hell, you dumbass. 

Yes, but I don’t even wanna say yes to you though. Because you’re such a fucking prick. 

Tom: She’s not a part of your family in heaven, sweetheart. She’s my daughter so she is a part of your family in sense. But you really are way out of line and I’ll be beginning to wonder if you have dementia.

Where do you all come up with these crazy ideas about her?

Dennis: *no response*

Tom: It’s really sad. I’m superior to you too. You don’t probably understand that, but I’m very much superior to you and it’s sad because she didn’t fit in in your family. Do you know what I mean by that? Do you know what I’m hinting at you racist bitch.

Matt: She actually likes you, which makes the whole thing even worse. She really has been nothing but nice to any of you, up until recently, when she put some people in their place and they chose to end their relationship with her rather than confront their mistakes like adults.

Dennis: You can’t go around calling people fags.

Lacey: *laughs*

He doesn’t seem like that to you?

Dennis: Did they give you truth syrup?

Tom: Yes.

Dennis: Whether he does or not, you can’t go around saying things like that to people.

Lacey: *laughs*

I was so sick and tired of you people and your nonsense. You pretend to be so nice, but there are so many things that are just absolute nonsense. 

Paula: You’re right.

Lacey: No, Dennis didn’t go to someone’s wedding and it was a cruel decision. And so I thought you know that’s really have it out. Let’s talk about stuff. Isn’t everyone into that in your family with counseling and all that? 

Gail: I hear you.

Lacey: If he’s so superior psychologically compared to everyone else in the family, then he shouldn’t have been remotely surprised by what I said. And if he loves me the way that he said he did then he should know that I meant it in good spirit or I’m struggling in some way and none of that worked out, so clearly you’re all full of shit somehow. And it’s not because you’re poor, you’re wrong or you’re evil in some way.

Dennis: I think we just don’t care about you in that way and we never really have.

Lacey: But what does that have to do with what happened? Even if that’s true, there’s still something you’re all lying about.

Dennis: I think Lacey, that somehow we did get it in our head that we wanted to be both elite and better than other people and yet not at the same time.

And so it’s like we like what you and your father have. Good taste, good manners, good sense. But we don’t wanna dress-up the way that you probably would if you’d been raised differently. You know? We don’t want a fancy house or a fancy car or a fancy husband.

We just want to live in a $600,000 house somewhere in Bismarck, and send our kids to NDSU or UND or somewhere, you know, good. I think we would be OK with a kid that wanted to go to Harvard, but we would be a little suspicious. Because that’s not really who we are. So it’s not like we don’t have planes or yachts or money. We just don’t want all of the other stuff that comes with that.

Lacey: Yeah. Because in order to have all the other stuff that comes with that you have to be more honest about certain things.

If you’re just going to the University of North Dakota and living in a $700,000 house in Minot, you don’t have to be honest about your sexual orientation. You could be a decent person with good manners and be bisexual and entirely closeted and get away with it. And I think up until recently that is far more casual and pleasant and relaxed than having to examine yourself as a man and figure out who you really are. I think there are definitely bisexuals in that family who are very closeted, but they’re still functional because they just don’t think about it. I guess they don’t have to.

They can just go to church with their wife do their job, hang-out wherever they hang-out and no one really questions them. Because why would people question them? They would obviously be in love with their wife, if they’re in a happy marriage with their wife, because they’re bisexual. So it’s very chill.

That’s not me, but is that the idea? To just be really like low-key and just kind of casual? 

Dennis: Yes.

And it’s obviously not just that there are people who have struggles that they don’t talk about. It’s that there are people who don’t get interested in things like fashion or art unless if they’re really serious about it. 

Lacey: So it’s not just a hobby or what do they do instead?

Dennis: They they do have hobbies, but they’re more- I think you’re trying to talk like us.

*he laughs*

They’re more-They’re more casual.

Lacey: What exactly are they?

Dennis: Well some people get really into needle-work and sewing, other people get really into organizing their house. Other people get very into volunteering in their community. Some people get very interested in art, I guess. But not really in the way that you do.

For them, it’s more of an occasional type of thing. Unless if they’re taking it really seriously. But no, we do more with volunteering and sitting around talking and sewing and cross-stitching.

Lacey: So you go skiing in a very intense way?

Dennis: Yes, and it might be inferior to be honest, but not entirely. It depends on how you look at it, but yes, we’re very in skiing and it’s extremely intense very competitive with some of us.

Casi: Can I join your family? *she says seriously*

Chris: I think that’s normal.

I’m normalizing that!

That’s so normal.

Oh my gosh, you said it! This is hilarious.

Casi: OK then I guess I’m a Nesheim. Oh my God! You guys my family owns billions in oil.

Dennis: That woman is desperate.

Lacey: Are you gonna tell her no or keep kickin’ it?

A middle class woman in Minot: You guys have to reject her even if you don’t like Lacey for sad reasons and you do like me. Do you understand that or not?

Dennis: *cries*

Why? *he says to the Illuminati*

Dr. Moritz: What is your problem? That woman is obviously insane.

Dennis: I thought you meant Lacey and I was gonna laugh with you at Lacey, cause I love laughing at Lacey. It’s one of my favorite things to do. We love laughing at Lacey. We love it. It’s so much fun.

*he laughs*

The man that she outed as bisexual, has a son who named a dog after her son, because we love laughing at Lacey. It’s fun. We love it.

I don’t wanna be nice to Casi, but I don’t wanna reject her…cause it’s so nice that she hates Lacey. It’s so…pretty.

Dr. Moritz: Pretty?

Dennis: Haven’t you ever thought of an idea as pretty? It’s an attractive idea.

The Illuminati: Why do you all hate her so damn much? What the fuck is wrong with you all? She’s actually a very sweet person.

Dennis: Because she’s better than us genetically, and we’re extraordinarily competitive and ruthless we’re very quiet about it. I think we just refuse to be humble and loving, and instead we decided to be evil and throw her under the bus.

Casi: I will join your family and become one of your people.

Dennis: Oh dear god!!!

Casi: I think-I think they think of me as their daughter.

Dennis: No we don’t.

Casi: Are you sure?

I think they do! *she says like a robot*

The Illuminati: Which Casi are you?

Casi: Whichever one you want me to be.

The Illuminati: Oh crap.

Casi: *laughs*

Dennis: Yeah you’re not a part of our family. None of us adopted you or accidentally adopted you or anything like that.

You’re going to have to keep an eye on that woman, Casi. I’m a little afraid she’s going to go around telling people she’s in our family to get into country clubs or some stupid shit like that.

Obviously, I don’t mean Lacey when I say that. I specifically said Casi because we did adopt Lacey without meaning to, but that was not the case with that woman. We don’t really even know her. We did raise Lacey. We don’t know Casi at all.

Casi: I would never do that. I would never do that. *she smiles, weirdly*

The FBI: If this is a real conversation, we actually have been investigating her and she is definitely not “doing everything she should be doing”, so to speak.

Lacey: And now Bobby is threatening my life if I don’t molest my children and sell myself into prostitution.

Bobby: I believe in Casi. I believe in every working poor person who doesn’t have a chance. And I am here to bring justice to the Casi family.

Listen to “Gangnam Style” by PSY.

The Illuminati: She’s not going to molest her children or sell herself into prostitution and you’re not gonna be able to kill her, so I don’t understand what it is you think you’re doing other than just sadistically harassing her?

Bobby: I don’t think these things through. I go with my inner knowing.

The Illuminati: Casi, do you have an opiate addiction like Bobby used to have?

Bobby: All opiates addicts are my friends. It was one of the worst things that ever happened to me, and I will never forget it.

Casi: I have a predilection for…being relaxed.

I prefer to be in a calm state of mind.

*Lacey comes back from picking-up dinner*

Lacey: I did not molest my kids. I do not molest my kids.

Dimitry: Where’d you get dinner?

Lacey: A local restaurant.

Dimitry: *Thinks*

I want lasagna?

Lacey: Ha!

You’re trying to guess?

One of Lacey’s neighbors: Holy Crap!

HOLY SHIT!!

Lacey: Do you realize what you’re doing to yourself? Do you guys have a clue what you’re doing to yourself and how weird you’re being or not at all?

Dimitry: No.