Lacey explains her literal identity in 2022 that the perfume community is stealing and hacking to replace her, to feel successful. And happy.
I was in my 30’s. For a start.
I’m 43 now.
The perfume community: So?
Me: So….a woman in her 30’s has a very different mindset from a woman in her 40’s. You know that. Right?
The perfume community: *Thinks.*
Me: In my 30’s…I saw…everything differently. I was still an adult, obviously. But I was in a different state of mind.
So…you’re doing me…in my 30’s. And I’m in my 40’s now.
Do you even know what that means?
The perfume community: No.
Me: Yeah.
What was my…overall “thought”? What are you even copying!? Do you know?
The perfume community: No.
Me: Yeah.
Stop copying me.
The perfume community: But your aesthetic is so good!
Me: Okay.
But you think I’m a loser?
And that it’s gross to be with Lem? Or Elliott?
The perfume community: *Befuddled.*
A lesbian with a popular aesthetic in the 1980’s: They don’t understand. It’s just cool to them. They copied me too. And also shunned me.
Lacey (me): And that’s harmless. Except…not really.
And why do you think it’s the exact same thing?
And why do you, in the perfume community, think you should copy me? Isn’t that dangerous?
I do WEIRD loser stuff?
The perfume community: Okay.
*Later.*
Lionel Richie: Do you all even understand that aesthetic?
The perfume community: We do!
God: No. You really, really don’t.
The perfume community: Okay.
Lacey: Why would you be safe copying me?
I’m offensive.
A woke man: *Laughing*
I totally get what you mean.
*Lacey waits.*
*Lacey waits more.*
The perfume community: She thinks she’s so cool.
Lacey: Answer my question!
The perfume community: Okay!
We literally don’t make any sense.
(They’re using the word literally to mock her.)
Lacey: I don’t even talk like that. How do you never seem to realize that!?
The perfume community: She’s fucking dumb!
Lacey: You’re the one who just looked stupid.
Not me.
The perfume community: We don’t talk like that either.
Lacey: *Shrugs.*
Okay!?
Neither do I???
*Shrugs*
The perfume community: Okay.
What are you doing right now? With your speech.
Lacey: That’s part of my aesthetic.
My identity actually.
The perfume community: We assumed you were too dumb to be like Casi. Or too gay to be a Valley Girl.
Lacey: No.
You’re all…quacks. Apparently.
The perfume community: Okay. But then what is that?
Lacey: It’s extremely complicated.
You’re copying my IDENTITY. And I’m exceptionally intelligent.
If you want something simple…look elsewhere.
The perfume community: What is it?
Lacey: I’m VERY attractive. Okay. I don’t photograph well.
And…yet…my father was born in 1894.
So…my natural instincts in speech…don’t fit in. And I’ve noticed that since childhood.
So early on, I copied people halfway. So…yes…I borrow from Valley Girl…but…it’s not my…real aesthetic.
The CIA: We’re sure that’s true. We’ve tested it.
Really. We have!
Lacey: That’s what’s going on…in a nutshell.
The CIA: Yes.
Her normal manner of speaking would closely resemble Bette Davis’s. And also Myrna Loy. Possibly even Queen Elizabeth II.
She isn’t exaggerating. If it’s too intellectually challenging to comprehend what we’re saying…just say so.
The perfume community: Eww.
Bette Davis: That’s insane.
I’m not eww.
The perfume community: True.
Okay.
Why Valley Girl?
Lacey: What else is there!?
The perfume community: Goth?
Lacey: They do Valley Girl anyway. They do!
They’re such wannabes, most of the time.
Valley Girl rejects.
Why bother?
And…that really isn’t even the right aesthetic anyway.
I’m not a goth. You’re getting lost, intellectually.
Just because Bette Davis is dead…doesn’t mean I’m a Goth.
The perfume community: So we’re impersonating Claire McCardell Kay Billings? Who wears what?
Lem: Heaven Scent. Chanel No. 5. …And a few very good but lesser known ones.
The perfume community: She wears Claire McCardell.
Lacey: YES!!!
The perfume community: And Dior?
Lacey: Yes!! And Norell.
I’m sure I’d shop at Penny’s too sometimes.
The perfume community: That’s your actual aesthetic?
Lacey: Yes.
The perfume community: What the hell are you doing?
Lacey: *Thinks.*
I’m being raw.
The perfume community: WHAT!?
Lacey: I’m being RAW.
One of her ex-boyfriends: Yes.
She does…-
It’s not feral. It’s…-
*He laughs.*
It’s…obvious she’s a dead Greatest Generation woman…come to life.
She hates what we wear. HATES it.
So…she’s being…raw-
*He laughs, and Lacey joins him.*
The perfume community: Are you being sanitary?
Lacey: Yes!
Look, it’s what I wore…traveling from Egypt to Scotland. Should there be reincarnation. But with modern technology, so to speak.
The perfume community: Do you smell like blood!?
Lacey: No. But…why not?
Blood is beautiful.
I mean…in certain contexts it’s gross. But…it can smell…wonderful. It’s blood.
The perfume community: Okay.
That’s cool?
Lacey: Yes!
Dirt. Blood. Wild flowers. Cotton!
The perfume community: Sweat?
Lacey: No!
The perfume community: How do you avoid smelling like sweat?
Lacey: You bath in a stream. Wash your clothes in a stream. Use some version of soap.
The perfume community: Why Claire McCardell?
Lacey: *Rolls her eyes*
Don’t do that to me right now!!! *She whines.*
That’s a looong conversation.
The perfume community: We wear expensive perfume…like you wear cheap shit from Victoria’s Secret.
Lacey: What does that have to do with what I just said?
The perfume community: Except-
*She waits.*
Why do you say it like that? *Sounds weirdly pathetic all of the sudden.*
Lacey: Like what!?
The perfume community: Because I’m poor!
Lacey: What!?
The perfume community: You sound-
Like what!?
Lacey: It’s a complicated conversation!
You’re asking me something extremely complicated!
A fashion designer: No. She’s right.
IT IS.
Lacey: *Nods.*
The perfume community: Lacey…what are we telling people? Right now?
Lacey: By copying me?
The perfume community: Yes.
Lacey: Okay.
The last time I saw you…you were projecting to the world that…- *She thinks.*
You’re…aging.
You’re…living in the woods. Eating berries and dead fried birds and fish.
Hiking.
Desperately sad.
That you’re an orphan.
Your beloved husband is DEAD. He died in a Colonialist war in Southern Africa. Fighting for imperialist Great Britain.
You have…a group loyal gay male friends. You often all cry together?
You love…trees.
You love the smell of berries.
Queen Elizabeth II was…an AMAZING woman. You’re grieving her.
You enjoy flying kites. Collecting teacups.
You cook really well. …I mean you cook REALLY WELL.
You have a fascination with Paraiba Blue Apatites. And richly hued Aquamarines.
Sand…scares you. Actually, you love the ocean…but it terrifies you.
The perfume community: No.
We’re projecting that we’re old money.
Lacey: Do you respect me like I’m old money?
The perfume community: No.
Lacey: Then why would you be projecting that by copying me?
The perfume community: Because we just add the right stuff.
Lacey: No. I am old money.
I’m canceling that out. In my aesthetic.
So you can’t use me. It doesn’t work.
I am old money. And if you’re really aware of what old money is…you can tell. But…if you’re not…you apparently can completely miss it!
The perfume community: What if we add the cues?
Lacey: No! I’m canceling it out.
I’m CANCELING IT OUT.
The perfume community: Why haven’t you ever told us this?
Lacey: It’s complicated.
Our conversations have just never gone here.
The perfume community: Does June Cleaver hate you?
Lacey: No!
How awful!
June Cleaver: I agree!
*Both women look pained.*
The perfume community: *Looks very awkward.*
June…do you understand what she’s talking about? With the whole raw aesthetic?
June Cleaver: Well…-
Her husband is dead.
And you’re all…-
Maybe I’d do the same thing.
*Lacey really thinks.*
The perfume community: Why can’t we talk about Claire McCardell?
Lacey: It’s-
June Cleaver: It’s high fashion!
Lacey: True!
The perfume community: Well I’m sorry to have disturbed you and your gal pals!
June and Lacey: *Look completely confused and sort of disturbed.*
June: What are you talking about!?
The perfume community: You seem like Lacey. How have we never seen that?
NO WAY!
June Cleaver: Well…her father was born in 1894. My father was born in 1893.
*She laughs with Lacey.*
I guess I win!
Lacey: *Smiles*
The perfume community: Lacey…you’re real.
Lacey: Yes!
The perfume community: What happened to her brain?
Lem: She was too abandoned.
It’s a bit like having a Black father. And a white mother.
She’s dark. Even if mom is not.
So…she fits in with other Black folk. white mom ran off.
Dad is dark.
She looks Black.
Not as dark as some, but clearly Black.
Make sense?
The perfume community: Can you tell she’s white? In this analogy.
Lem: Kind of?
It’s…there? But it’s also not remarkable.
The perfume community: So…we’re weird looking.
Elliott Roosevelt: *Laughing hard, nods affirmatively.*
Her kids fit in.
But…Margy ran off.
She just was never socialized into your…ways.
The perfume community: So…why doesn’t she seem weird?
Elliott: Because it’s her. She is her.
You…make absolutely no sense.
The perfume community: Does June Cleaver find her aesthetic impressive?
June: No.
She’s just one of us.
I mean that…kindly. You- You’re nuts. …I’m sorry.
The perfume community: But she’s Tom Banks’s daughter.
June Cleaver: Yes!
Of course that’s impressive!
But…Ward does well. We’re well-off.
I’m a stable person. We’re a good family!
Lacey: She’s the real character. Living in the afterlife. For her fans.
God’s fascinating!
June Cleaver: Yes! I exist.
Creepy, I know.
Anyway!
The perfume community: So…-
Cool, actually.
Umm…-
I-
Why aren’t you impressed more?
June Cleaver: Well, I am. But…we don’t do that.
If I make too big of a deal about their wealth…I look…pathetic. And I’m not.
Lacey: Yes.
Casi (?): I thought that’s what we were going for?
June: No!
No. It’s not what you were doing…
No!
I’m sorry.
Casi (?): What’s the difference!?
June: I don’t compete.
No. That’s not true.
Well-
Lacey: Why are we falling apart? *She says to June.*
June: Because! You all are being mean.
I’m not mean!
Lacey: That’s true.
Casi (?): June! You are never mean?
June: No.
I’m not.
Lacey: Why would anyone want to be so mean?
June: I agree.
God: She is less mean.
Why do you ladies keep rejecting Lacey? Do you want to share why?
A female hater in the perfume community: Because she feels so…strange.
God: Why do you take it that way? That’s actually a choice.
A female hater in the perfume community: Because if I don’t call it strange…I feel inferior.
God: Yeah. Or scared.
A female hater in the perfume community: Yeah.
Claire McCardell: Lacey’s right.
My aesthetic is…very complex.
My art…is…good art.
Lacey: It is!
The perfume community: Does June feel inferior?
June: *Smiles*
Oh, I feel a little intimidated.
But…we’re humble. Ward and me.
So…they hate when I feel intimidated.
*She smiles.*
We’re real Americans.
Really!
We’re what really was America.
I have good manners.
I have very good manners.
And I cook well.
We can have real fun together.
*She smiles.*
Carl Reiner: We lied.
We all lied!
We lied about what they really were. And are.
They’re not dumb.
We trained you to think those people were all fools. They weren’t.
June: Ward and I make coffee and we play cards. Listen to music.
Sometimes Ward and Lem golf. Lacey and I like to cross-stitch together. Drink tea.
The kids get along.
I get made fun of. But really…people like us did exist.
They really did!!!
And do.
A reader: That character was played by Barbara…BILLINGSLEY.
That’s NOT a coincidence.
Lem: No. It’s not.
A British man: Is the name Ward a coincidence?
Sir Winston Churchill: Well!
What do you think?
A British man: No.
I doubt it.
God: So does Lacey, at this point.
Jack was born in June? No. But almost.
Satan: Emeralds. Zodiac.
Pearls.
June wore pearls.
It’s just…science. If there’s reincarnation…I didn’t create it.
Just being honest.
A reader: But Bobby Senior died in June.
Lem: I was deeply defiled.
Ward and I just play golf. And we have more fun than Jack and I ever did.
Because Ward…is capable of real friendship. He doesn’t cheat on his wife. He’s stable. He’s funny. And I can count on him.
A Millennial man: He really doesn’t cheat?
Lem: You’ve been severely brainwashed.
No!
Of course not.
Men back then weren’t cheaters. That’s not real.
Some men did. Who were dysfunctional.
Ward…being normal did not. Does not.
A Millennial man: So what do you do…when the conversation of women comes up?
Ward: Honestly?
We talk about Lacey and June.
Not in a homosexual way. We just…talk.
It’s not inappropriate.
Elliott: You guys are gullible. I’m sorry.
And I’m talking to Millennials.
Or no? You think you’ve been that brainwashed?
A Millennial man: How do those conversations go?
Help me. Please!
Ward: Okay!
Worst lines said, during golf: “MAN! Was June ever on the rag last night!? …I had to fight my way out of the dog house.”
And Lem’s said, “Elliott drove around my house last night.” Lem took a puff of his pipe, blew it out. “Do I tell her or not?”
There you go.
Best lines, “June is…the love of my life. …I just don’t know-“. And I had to break off because I didn’t want to cry.
By the way, both June and Lacey are chomping at the bit to defend each other.
“Lacey…-“
We do tell each other things that are appropriate for grown male friends to tell each other. He brags. I have too.
“June…really made me feel like a million bucks on my last birthday.” I said.”
A male Millenial: We do and don’t talk that way.
Ward: *Nods.*
A male Millenial: So…what is Lem implying?
Ward: *Laughs.*
I think you know. You’re a man. Right?
The perfume community: Why isn’t Lem allowed to say that?
Ward: HE IS!
It’s just-
Who else is he going to tell? And he didn’t say too much. He was just…in awe. Of his wife. And how lucky he was.
*Ward smiles thoughtfully.*
A British woman: Have we ruined that?
An American Pastor: YES!
The perfume community: Why did Elliott drive around their house?
Elliott: I’m her ex. And I was lonely.
Very lonely. And depressed.
The perfume community: How many times has JFK driven around your house?
Lem: *Laughs.*
In this scenario? Not at all.
Her father would be threatening Jack’s life if he did. Elliott still can!
Elliott is my problem.
And…well…after talking to Ward? I’m not too worried.
He thinks if Lacey didn’t notice…I’m being scared for no reason. If I’m even scared.
And he’s right.
He’s a good friend.
Bobby (?): Why did you kill my father?
Lem: I didn’t.
But you think I’m accountable?
Bobby (?): YES!
Lem: I couldn’t tell you. I couldn’t tell any of you. If I ever knew anything.
If I helped plan your uncle’s assassination…that was not connected to your father. That was a different group of people. One or two were the same, but it was mostly a different group of people.
The Illuminati: Can you all handle this?
*They laugh*
Bobby (?): NO!!!
The Illuminati: *Nods*
I think this is Lacey’s way…of putting us in our place.
Elliott: It’s taken you this long…to figure that out!?!
A Millennial man: Is that too personal?
That June is having her monthly? And Lacey…put out?
Elliott: You want to know the truth!!
Lem: I was overwhelmed.
I have an incredible relationship with my wife, Lacey. And I needed to process it. Ward is my buddy. I knew he’d understand.
He was worried what would happen to him, psychologically, if June died. I was experiencing the same thing.
Ward: Men used to use phrases like that.
Lacey’s not a tramp. Okay?
And I just felt…mad as the Dickens. June really ticked me off!
The thing is…well…to be honest…sometimes women can be…more irritable during that time. And…June…- Well, I got on her bad side. And it hurt! She hurt my feelings.
But…we worked it out.
A woman in England: Why is Elliott driving around their house???
Elliott: I just missed her.
We were in love.
I just missed her.
Keen to Cross the Pond 
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