Category Archives: Journal

Casi: So you think men are aroused…and that’s it?

Lacey: Yes! Basically.

People notice. But…not really.

Exactly.

A Millennial man: So you just assume, or have assumed, safely…that most men will be helplessly aroused. But you don’t think they’re falling in love?

Lacey: Yes.

*she laughs*

They get hard. But they don’t give a rip. At all. Necessarily.

I mean, maybe as humans. You know? On a basic human level.

I mean…sex isn’t workout depth. And meaning. But…men can be aroused…and forget about it in under an hour.

A dead Boomer: We’ve offered her basically nothing. It’s bad!

A male Boomer: So…you just think, “Hey! He’s aroused. …But…he’ll get over it!”?

Lacey: Yes.

A male Boomer: So you see your beauty as the flu!?

In relation to men.

Lacey: Yes. Essentially.

And they recover.

And…-

A male Boomer: So you have no pride? About your looks?

Lacey: No, I have self-confidence. I love myself.

But…not necessarily pride?

A male Boomer: So it’s a joke to you?

Lacey: Yes. In a way.

It’s meaningless bullshit. Most of the time.

But God created me. And I’m happy to be me. And…I enjoy my beauty, even if no one else ever does. *she says, cheerfully*

A woman: So…you’re just hoping someone appreciates it? Nevermind loves you for that reason.

Lacey: Yes.

A woman: So why do you think women who are less beautiful envy you?

Lacey: They’re incredibly stupid.

Naive.

A woman: So…people are just dumb?

Lacey: Yes.

Putrid, with massive amounts of stupidity. The stench is overwhelming.

But, oh well.

*later*

Another man: So…-

I’m confused.

What-

So you think America women long to be beautiful. But just because they’re all idiots?

Lacey: Yes. Basically.

That’s a brutal, but honest observation.

An American woman: That’s not funny.

Is she real!??

The CIA: Yes.

So much so, she thinks you’re being told to say that. To mess with her head. Because we’re in trouble with Russia.

Lacey: I’m not falling for it.

I think people have expectations. They demand perfection. They feel entitled.

But…they don’t care. Not really.

An American Millennial woman: What’s normal?

We’re obviously “touched”. Or stupid.

What’s normal?

Lacey: *thinks*

Okay. So…you strive to be…the best-looking. Just for the sake of…-

*she thinks*

Winning? Yes? …It’s like winning a yacht race. People see you as the winner. …It’s all just bullshit.

Who cares who’s winning some dumb yacht race? War is what really matters. War, arranging things well in life. …Yacht races are nice. And I’m not saying that winning a yacht race isn’t…grand. But, it’s certainly not essential. It’s just for fun.

Umm…-

And the rest is for love. Pleasing your spouse. Feeling as though…you’re…doing your part. In a marriage.

Hygiene isn’t beauty. Good health, isn’t beauty.

They can be interrelated. If you’re good-looking, or young? Or something. But…health is health.

The woman: So you wore a corset…to please your husband?

Lacey: Yes!

If there’s reincarnation.

And…to…please my family. …It was socially expected. It would seem…uncouth…not to wear one.

*later*

A female reader: So…does anyone else in her family see things her way?

The CIA: No.

A female reader: CRAP!

*later*

Another reader: So…why do you care so much about what-

You seem to think it’s really important for us to know that you’re not photogenic. …And I’m betting you hear about our…beauty hierarchy. Is that why?

Lacey: Yes!

I’m not being ripped-off.

I have $100 bill. Not a $50 and a $25.

Exactly.

Casi: But I have $50. Just one.

So…-

Lacey: SO WHAT!?

I’m nice.

And I’m your problem. You, on the other hand, are mine. And you’re a horrible bitch.

A woman in Lacey’s family who raised her: Do you think anyone in our family thinks about you? At all?

Lacey: Maybe on a rare occasion.

I don’t tend to think anyone is thinking about me. And I’m shocked when I find out they are.

The CIA: But you’ve noticed that people on Instagram go out of their way to ignore you?

Lacey: YES.

It’s just pattern recognition.

I should be getting a few more likes and comments. …Nothing spectacular. But just…a little. And I’m not. …And it’s weird.

The CIA: So people’s approval means very little to you?

Lacey: American people? Yes.

*she laughs*

People’s approval!?

What even is that!?

What are they going to do!? Kill me, if they don’t approve!?

*later*

Liz: So…no…I was…-

I felt insecure, around you. You’re so pretty.

Lacey: Yeah. I can hear that you really mean that. Objectively. That I’m pretty.

*she thinks*

Right?

Liz: Yes.

Lacey: You don’t seem insecure.

The CIA: Do you understand what we mean, when we say that!?

Lacey: You feel…unsafe? Like…psychologically unsafe. Insecure. Lacking security. Lacking…safety.

Which could be…from some…sadness? That you’re losing. In some dumb, American, meaningless competition?

I struggle to take “insecure people” seriously. They seem…idiotic. On a certain level.

An American insecure woman: NO!!! You’re idiotic!

Lacey: *very calmly*

No, I’m not.

*later*

One of Lacey’s neighbors: So why bother?

Why bother with how you look…at all?

Lacey: To be treated fairly. People are vicious.

If you don’t…look…good…you’re treated like literal shit.

One of Lacey’s neighbors: So you think…if you lost 30 pounds. Had a perfect home. And had married a man with no autism. That we’d say hello to you?

Lacey: I think…you’d stop hating me. I wouldn’t expect a hello.

I’m a very loving person. And people in this country have become like rabid dogs.

*she thinks*

Actually, more like sharks. You sense blood.

No one else in the community is bleeding. …And so you don’t circle. But with me…you smell blood.

*she thinks*

Not that I blame you. It’s just the culture.

The CIA: Her husband is barely autistic! I mean barely.

Lacey: Shh!

They love that narrative! They live for it.

*she laughs*

*later*

The CIA: Does she paint?

Lem: Yes!

The CIA: Better than Jack?

Lem: Better than Jack. She’s actually quite good, when she wants to be.

Lacey: Which is almost never.

I’m just never in the mood.

An American: Did you hear what Liz said? Or did you just write it?

Lacey: *thinks*

What did she say?

An American: She said she was a deeply insecure woman. And, I don’t think you understand what we mean by insecurity.

We aren’t talking about…battle. We’re talking about…our feelings.

Lacey: What about your feelings?

An American: We feel…not just sad…but…-

*they think*

We feel angry. Really angry.

Because it’s like…we can’t fix it.

Are you following?

Lacey: I was, until you said you couldn’t fix it. How is that not like a battle?

An American: *thinks*

But it’s my sense of self.

Lacey: Which, to me, is war.

An American: *laughs*

*then looks deadly serious*

WHAT!?!

Lacey: I mean, it comes down to an issue only settled by war.

Does it not?

An American: No.

No.

It’s not that public.

Lacey: How!?!

We’re all public. It’s a democracy.

An American: I mean, yes…

But, it’s not necessarily like that. It’s so much more personal.

Like…I could make it public. But…it doesn’t have to be.

*he thinks*

*he feels like crying*

The CIA: Does this scare you?

An American: Yes.

The CIA: Oh well.

GROW-UP.

This is reality.

An American (40-something, white male): *thinks*

Did the character from The Office, Phyllis, confuse you?

Lacey: No!

I was impressed that her husband didn’t fall for the brainwashing. I’m sure he found her attractive.

And…it’s quite normal.

An American: Did you find it depressing?

Lacey: YES!

People are…complicated. You can’t really live to please them. Not in that way.

An American: I-

It was weird to me, at first. But then I realized, he’s just…into her.

Umm…-

Pam and Jim aren’t…cool. I mean, they are. But…-

Nevermind.

Umm…-

I think you misunderstood our culture.

And I have no idea where to begin.

I’m sorry.

Lacey: *takes a deep breath*

Why don’t you tell me more about insecurity.

An American: …You feel depressed. Defeated.

But not like…you’re at war. Like…-

*He thinks*

Like…your sense of self…can be…actually affected.

Can your sense of self…ever be affected?

Lacey: If it’s in the way I suspect you mean? NO! To me, that’s literally insane.

You never let another person affect that part of you. Unless they’re in your family, and are trustworthy. Or…they’re incredibly close. …It’s absurd to let anyone else even near that part of you. In my opinion.

An American: So…how do you develop-

Just at home?

Lacey: Yes. As safely as possible.

Some parents are tyrants. Some caregivers are.

But, as safely as possible, yes.

An American: Okay. Well…we don’t do that.

So…there’s peer pressure. Because you’re looking to…be…accepted.

Lacey: But people are so mean!

How, in the world, does that even make sense?

An American: It may not.

Actually.

Ummm…-

I mean…-

So, you’re supposed to be…-

Okay. Well…we feel…deeply threatened. And…it’s like…we just are poo. Like, we’re literal garbage.

And so then you have to “learn to accept yourself” or…find acceptance in some other way.

Otherwise, you feel like shit.

Lacey: Yeah. I never experienced any of that.

Thank you for explaining.

Ruth: ANY OF IT!?!!

Lacey: None of it.

I had a very different experience.

Why in the world do you fall for that!? It’s complete shit!

Ruth: *ignoring Lacey’s relevant question*

*laughs at Lacey, like she’s an idiot*

So-

*is too angry to keep talking*

China: How weird.

I’m sorry, Lacey.

India: I agree.

Lacey: Well…I’m not sure what people want from me. I can’t do anything about this.

Apparently I’m…out to lunch. But…there’s nothing I can do.

…There’s really nothing I can do.

Liz: Okay.

Well…I felt insecure. But I knew you didn’t-

It was just you. Being yourself.

But…you seemed…so…unaware. Like…you were living in your own little world. And…I did assume you had some malicious intent.

Lacey: I’m not that ugly!

Liz: No!

I don’t mean that.

I’m saying…you…were cold. Or something.

Lacey: Wouldn’t that mean I was ugly?

Liz: No!

It would mean you were…uptight? Maybe? Or lacking confidence?

Lacey: And I was mean?

Liz: Yes.

Lacey: Wow!

*she thinks*

No.

So…you thought I was really pretty!?

Liz: Yes.

Lacey: *thinks*

And you felt insecure?

Liz: Yes.

Lacey: *thinks*

I’m sorry. I’m trying to grasp this. But I’m struggling.

A Gen. Z: Okay, so…we organize ourselves. Into groups.

Lacey: Okay!

A Gen. Z: Okay.

So we organize ourselves into…cliques. And…it actually does kinda mean something.

Anyway, the clique you belong to…is supposed to like you. …I don’t think your clique actually likes you.

But I also don’t think you had a clue what was going on.

So…I’m a nerd. Okay?

Lacey: Okay!

Gen. Z: Okay.

So…I have a need to fit in with my clique. What I think happened was that you…kept not fitting in. Because you were in the wrong place. And…less attractive people…got hurt. Because they compared themselves to you.

Liz: When does she let down her guard?

The CIA: She doesn’t have one.

…She doesn’t have one.

Lacey: Neither does Putin.

*she laughs*

Okay. So…you compared yourself…to me?

Gen. Z: YES!

Lacey: *thinks*

Gen. Z: Like, all of the time.

Lacey: *laughs*

*can’t stop laughing*

I’m sorry. But why? That’s so dumb!

Gen. Z: That’s just what Americans do.

Lacey: *laughing*

I’m sorry. I’m trying to care. But this is so stupid!

Gen. Z: Yes, fine. But that’s how they decided to organize their society.

Lacey: *tries to calm herself*

Huh.

But how does this work?

Gen. Z: What do you mean?

Lacey: What’s winning?

Gen. Z: Right? Who has the title?

Lacey: I wouldn’t say that.

I’d say…who wins?

But it’s sort of like having a title?

Gen. Z: People who are rich.

People who are good-looking.

People who are smart.

Etc..

Lacey: *thinks*

When is this battle settled?

Gen. Z: When you become an adult, to speak degree. And then…it’s reassessed as you age. And then again when you’re even older. And then when you die. …And then when you’re dead. Etc..

Lacey: I want out.

This is shit!

Listen to “Heartaches” by Al Bowlly.

Gen. Z: What if you’re doing well? And that’s why everyone hates you?

Lacey: That’s part of why I want out.

What utter SHIT.

What a worthless idea.

Who came up with this silly shit?

Benjamin Franklin: It evolved by the early 1800’s.

It’s rooted in peasants…competing…in a secular society. It has lots of…hidden elements of Christianity. Shunning sinners? …But…we made American a non-sectarian society. So there’s no open religious themes, in our judgmental sense of each other’s business.

Lacey: Ah!!!

Puritans.

Listen to “Midnight, the Stars and You” by Al Bowlly.

Lacey: Judgmental Puritans.

Ben Franklin: Yes!

Lacey: Yuck.

When are they ever saved?

They’d be better off saying ten Hail Marys. In quick rapid succession. Backwards.

Do they believe God ever loves them?

Ben Franklin: They’re not that bad.

I think…they can be a bit…legalistic. And silly. But…they’re not that bad.

Lacey: Fair enough.

Ben Franklin: So…you got snubbed by the cool kids. So you were a nerd. But you’re too good-looking.

Dammit.

You know…I relate. Believe it or not.

You might be related to me. By the way.

Lacey: That’s why I never have to explain myself to you.

Ben: *nods*

Lacey: I’m sorry I’ve been so…mean…about America.

Ben: I completely understand.

Lacey: Shoot.

*they sit at the bar, in The Shining*

The song restarts.

Ben: Fill er’ up, Lloyd!

*he’s drinking whiskey*

Lacey: I’ll have a gin and tonic!

Lloyd: *nods*

Lacey: Why is it so weird for Jack…that this place is haunted?

Grady: Because! We’re ghosts!

*he laughs, teasing her*

Lacey: Yes. But…then, that’s all it is. Just a bunch of ghosts.

The song ends.

Listen to “Hot Blooded” by New Constellations.

Lacey: I’ll leave you all alone. *she says, getting out of their hair*

*the male ghosts appreciate it*

Lacey: *walks-off*

This song isn’t about me, at all. But I love how it sounds.

*she dances, in the hallway, alone*

*then she walks-off, carrying her drink*

*Wendy walks by her, without seeing her, although she looks uneasy*

God: If there’s reincarnation, this actually happened. With this song.

Lacey may have been aborted. In the 1910’s. And she wore a 1930’s gold lame dress. Because she knew her dad…genuinely meant well.

She’s British. If there’s reincarnation. She’s barely American, at all.

But she’s trying. Please get that…as a concept. You need to.

Shelly: If there’s reincarnation, her ghost…scares me.

I can sense her.

She haunted the hallway. And the Gold Room. In some scenes you can almost see her.

Ben: We haunted the set.

We knew what a big deal it was going to be.

A dead JFK loyalist: This song was supposed to be about her. But…Lem was straight.

I’m such a dumbass.

But she likes it anyway. Lacey, that is.

Lacey: So I made you feel insecure?

Liz: Yes.

And then we just get really down on ourselves. Like, we feel really low.

Lacey: *thinks*

I don’t get it.

How can you possibly fall for that!?

Liz: We just do.

Lacey: *laughs*

What utter rubbish!

Liz: Yes!

But we can’t help it!

Lacey: Come on! You’re smart enough to see through that!

Liz: Yes.

I am.

But…it just got to me.

Lacey: It’s so weird!

How do you take it seriously!?

Grady: They get…raised.

Lacey: *thinks*

Ahh!

Real love. From some parent. Consistently. Who takes American culture very seriously. Or some such thing.

Grady: Yes!

Lacey: Well!

What am I supposed to do!??

It’s NUTS.

God: Yes.

Mostly, nuts.

But, it’s their attempt to be Democratic.

Lacey: How sad.

Huh.

How does it even work!?!

God: You’re supposed to realize how pretty you are. Like an American.

Lacey: *thinks*

Okay. I’m making it…my name brand.

God: Okay. I see what you mean. …That works. That’s about what they’re doing, in your terms.

And then…you…keep that. As your name tag.

Lacey: *thinks*

So…when does this get good?

God: You don’t enjoy it.

But you’re getting it.

Lacey: Okay.

So…it’s just…nonsense?

God: Yes. Basically.

But…you’re supposed to keep that badge. And…now, when Liz stabs you in the back with Chris, what do you think?

Lacey: *thinks*

Why do you hate me, so damn much!? *she says to Chris*

Chris: *thinks*

We’re not dating. We’re not even dating, if you’d known this.

Lacey: Do you still marry her?

Chris: Yes!

Lacey: Good!

*she smiles*

Casi: So you’re lordly…because you are lordly?

God: If there’s reincarnation? Yes.

Lacey: Well…what if…I hadn’t realized it until the end, of the relationship?

Chris: *thinks*

“I don’t want to be in this relationship! It just sucks!”

Lacey: “Okay.

Fine!”

Chris: “I found someone else!”

Lacey: “Liz?”

Chris: “Yes.”

Lacey: “Do you really like her!?”

Chris: “Yes.”

Lacey: “I wondered if you would…”

Chris: “She’s hot!”

Lacey: “Why do you need to say that?”

Chris: “I don’t.”

Lacey: “Okay?

Well…I hope you’re happy.”

Chris: I’d have cried.

And told you how insecure I really am.

Lacey: And I’d have sat there. And tried to be kind.

Chris: I may have confessed that I was falling in love with her.

Lacey: And I’d have…said…that I was happy for you. And that I hoped you both be happy.

And then I’d have left.

Chris: Our relationship was just weird.

Lacey: It was gross.

But…you still found Liz. So that’s good, at least.

Chris: Do you still love me?

Lacey: No!

Chris: Okay.

But you actually were?

Lacey: Yes.

Not that much. But, yes.

Chris: I felt something. But I couldn’t love you.

Lacey: There’s nothing wrong with me.

What is your problem!?

Chris: How did you fall in love with me!??

Lacey: It’s not that hard to fall in love with someone.

Chris: *looks mad*

*thinks*

I didn’t try to fall in love with you.

So you were trying!?

Lacey: Yes.

Chris: That’s not what we’re doing, Lacey!

Lacey: *thinks*

Then what do you people expect me to do!?! Kill myself!?!

*later*

Chris: No.

But I don’t think we thought through what we were doing.

I think we thought we had it figured out.

This morning: Lem appears and then disappears when a demon attacks, prompting Lacey’s daughter to scream, waking-up from her slumber. She apparently heard a mannish being growling.

Putin comes on to Lacey, via text through Eric. Bobby cries.

And now she’s having breakfast.

Casi: We knew you were rich.

Lacey: That doesn’t seem likely.

Casi: Actually, it really is though. How could I think you were poor?!?

Lacey: You could.

Chris: I mean, she is compared to me.

The CIA: Not really though.

You’re far more similar than you think.

*awkward silence*

Casi: But how could any sane, rational person think I’m richer than you?

Do you think I’m crazy?

Lacey: You’ve copied me in such a way where it seems entirely possible that you’re insane. I’m sorry.

*she laughs*

I think you may really be that…unique.

Lem: That’s all that’s been communicated to her. You’ve literally only really confirmed that you think that. You can’t just tell yourself that “she knows” to get out of being a piece of shit.

Lacey: I saw Elizabeth Dodds and Chris, this morning. On Facebook. I was looking for new Facebook friends.

Lem: She’s a hideous looking woman.

Lacey: I should never have taken him seriously! One of the dumbest things I’ve ever done.

They’re perfect for each other, but they’re such vain idiots. I’m sure they live in a world where they “conquered” me. *she rolls her eyes*

I should NEVER have taken him seriously.

They’re still getting egotistically high off of it.

Lem: They do seem happy.

Lacey: I’m sure they are!!!

I’m sure they are.

*she rolls her eyes*

Lem: What do you think actually happened?

Listen to Philip Glass, “In The Upper Room: Dance I”.

Lacey: I made the horrific mistake of listening to people, in life, who weren’t as wise as me.

I know that sounds…vain. But, it’s not.

…Love is real.

Love is extremely real.

…He fell, passionately in love with her. With Elizabeth. …They were meant for each other. Truly.

And I could have guessed as much. I could have anticipated that, with the intelligence he actually did and does possess, he’d fall in love for real.

And I’d have never dated him.

And we’d all be better off.

I’m “better” than her. …But it doesn’t even matter. …BECAUSE I’M NOT HER.

…I’m not her.

It’s that simple.

It’s not a competition. Real love is never a competition. …And they have real love.

Real love…is love.

The song ends, now listen to “VI. Closing” by Philip Glass.

Lem: The sad thing is, they are egotistical fake bastards. And they’ve loved the delusion he created by cheating on you and then marrying her. It’s been…mana to them.

But…you’re absolutely right.

You’d have graduated from Messiah. You’d never have gotten in trouble for drinking and breaking their “community covenant”.

But…this way you know how awful people can be.

Lacey: Yes. But I already knew!!!

I didn’t need further confirmation.

I actually think it’s gone too far, in this case.

Lem: You’re right.

The song ends.

Listen to “Jesus, Etc.” by Wilco.

What should have happened:

Chris (in the future): I once looked up this song as “Jesus, Don’t Cry”. *He laughs, at himself.*

Lacey (reacting the way she’d like to): *just glares, totally ignoring him*

Chris: *gets nervous*

Lacey: I’ll just leave.

Okay? *she says sweetly*

Chris: *looks very angry and confused*

Lacey: Yuck!

Just leave me alone, okay?

*she storms out*

JUST PRETEND WE NEVER MET!!! *she yells after herself*

Now:

Lem: Did he really annoy you that much?

Lacey: YES!

He was so corny.

I couldn’t stand him, in a way. He did us both a favor by breaking-up with me. …I just wish he’d been honest about Elizabeth, his wife. But he’s a smug asshole, who gets-off on feeling better than other people and so is she.

I may be the secret to their happiness.

*I laugh*

If I’d married happily…like truly happily…I worry they’d have committed suicide.

Lem: *laughs*

No, it’s not that deranged. You’re not wrong, but they’re not that sick.

Thankfully.

Lacey: *rolls her eyes*

They’re such bitches.

Such stupid bitches.

Ugly too.

Both of them.

Lem: True.

Hateful, conniving shrews.

Lacey: Her face is as a big of an aesthetic tragedy as his height.

Lem: She loves “looks-maxing”, almost guaranteed. She’s able to finally feel genuinely superior. With her jaws.

Lacey: But…they found each other.

Are they capable of love?

Lem: Yes!

The song ends.

Lacey: Good.

Lem: *smiles*

Lacey: Well, at least they found each other!

*she yawns, and smiles*

Lem: Yes!!

They seem to be…very attracted to one another.

Casi: So no one ever told her the truth, but everyone lived in a world where this was a super important life event?!?

Lacey: *smiles*

But why did I have to be involved!?!

*rolls her eyes*

Lem: You shouldn’t have been.

It was a horrific mistake.

Lacey: It’s absolute rubbish.

Lem: You’re a vastly superior person, morally and in every other sense. You shouldn’t have to bother with their petty shit.

Lacey: When do they finally realize what toads they are, in relation to me?

Lem: Possibly not until they die. Society, at the moment, has confirmed them. Through “friends from the 70’s” and the scholarship of David Pitts.

They seem…like the winners. Because they’re happy. And…they look settled.

You’re wealthier. Better-looking. Much deeper, more mature, insightful and kind.

BUT…they found each other. …And no one today recognizes the power of that, almost ever. People are too dumb.

So they…have LIFE. Abundant. …It looks great on camera.

Liz (in the future): You are better-looking than me.

Lacey: DUH!!!!

Do you think I’m DUMB!?

You’re ugly compared to me! You almost look like human vomit, by comparison.

GOOD GOD!!!

Lem: Agreed.

Why do you run? …To maintain your skeletal appearance?

Lacey: Maybe he likes that. He’s almost certainly bisexual.

Lem: …Not necessarily. And yet, I see what you mean.

He likes her, regardless. A lot.

Lacey: *smiles*

I’d like to just be happy for them. It’s too bad I ever met either of them.

Lem: Yes!

What a pity.

Yuck!

Chris (in the future): I should have never talked to her.

Lacey: INDEED.

I’d have gotten my homework done, that evening.

Chris (in the future): I thought the fact that we fought…in class…meant we had sexual chemistry.

Lem: Like in the movies? From the 1980’s and 90’s?

Chris (from the future): Yes.

Lem: *laughs*

Lacey: No, I wish we’d not talked.

Lem: You’d have graduated. And met Mark, later. Working at a coffee-shop.

A professor at Messiah: Why did you let her do that!??

The CIA: It was none of our business.

And…it aligned with several outcomes.

Her leaving college? Perfectly fine. We needed her back home anyway.

Chris (from the future): So you’re always going to think of us as losers? For the rest of your life?

Lacey: YES!!!

WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU BE!?! *she yells*

Liz (his wife): Oh my word! Forget her!

*she laughs, with self-righteous indignation*

Lacey: WOW!!!

Liz! I’m BLOWN away.

*she says, mockingly*

YOU REALLY SHOWED ME!!!

WOW!!!!

Liz (his wife): I never apologized to her.

Neither did he.

But who cares!?

People make mistakes!

God: That’s not how this works.

Lacey: Sweetie, you’re a dumb bitch! You and your hideous husband!

I was WAY out of his league.

And yet he chose you.

Because he loved you.

GREAT!

But you both are still awful people. In relation to me.

Liz (from the future): You’re not supposed to care anymore.

Lem: Says who!?

Liz (his wife): That’s what they say in the movies.

Lacey: Sweetheart, I’m not some extra in a movie where you’re the star. …GET A CLUE!!!

You both totally fucked me over. …Why would I just magically get over that!?

Stop being so vain.

Liz (from the future): But you’re supposed to get over that…

Lacey: WHY!?!

Because you’re secretly me!?

Liz (from the future): Yeah. When he chose me, that’s what I told myself.

God: That’s insane.

Lacey: Sweetie…you’re not me.

Stop feeling so victorious.

Chris: I was a dumbass compared to you, intellectually. OK I admit it. I’m a fucking prick from a middle class family and I took myself way too seriously. And, I didn’t take you seriously enough, at all.

You knew a hell of a lot more than I did, about everything.

You’re probably even smarter than Robin Lauermann.

Does she hate her too? *he says to someone*

We’re all just jealous of you? OK!? And that’s awful? I guess? Because, people don’t take stuff like that seriously anymore they think you’re just pretending and trying to look cool, when you talk about it. But we actually really were.

I hated her because I sounded stupid in class compared to her when we would answer questions. And that is part of the reason I dated her. I was trying to put her in her place by hurting her in a relationship.

And yeah, OK fine. I’ve lived in that delusion ever since we broke-up, of feeling massively superior to her, like I’m a movie.

But I just feel like you should get over it…

Lacey: No, I’m not gonna get over it!!

Chris (from the future): But I don’t want that weighing on me. It’s very inconvenient.

I want to think of myself as a good person!

Lacey: You’re not a good person in relation to everyone, sweetheart. In relation to me you’re worthless fucking piece of shit, at best.

I’ve forgiven you, but to me you’re nothing more than a festering piece of fucking shit. 

Chris (from the future): So she’s still in love with me? Isn’t that how this works????

Lacey: No. No not at all. I don’t even like to think about what we did sexually other than as a joke.

Chris (from the future): THAT’S ILLEGAL!!!

*he and his wife, fume*

Lacey: No, it certainly is not illegal, sweetie. What you did with me was humorous at best. And other than that, it was just disgusting.

I don’t even think about it. It’s like, why would I think about the last time pooped or vomited?

Liz (from the future): I do not prefer to think of things that way!

I prefer to think of myself as a very beautiful woman, who’s incredibly gorgeous and amazing.

But I guess in relation to her, I am kind of just ugly. 

And I don’t think my generation is good at accepting stuff like that.

God: No, you’re certainly not.

Liz (from the future): But do you have to be so honest!?

Lacey: If I wasn’t, you’d just drag my fucking soul through shit sweetie, praising Jesus in vain, the whole fucking time.

Laura (from Messiah): We don’t ever think of you!

We don’t stalk your Facebook.

We don’t watch you!!!

We don’t read this blog-

Crap. That’s not true.

But… we really don’t think of you! Okay!?

I SWEAR WE DON’T!!!!!

I SWEAR!!!!

So you don’t need to think about us!!!

Because…we don’t think of you!!!

WE REJECT YOU!!!!!!

WE REJECT YOU SOOOO MUCH!!!

We dismiss you!!!!

We dismiss you!

Because we’re the royalty, not you. WE…dismissed…you.

Satan: *slow claps*

Lacey: Stuff of nonsense.

No, I have to be honest. I’m sorry.

If I’m not brutally honest, people just choose to live in delulu land, in regards to me.

Nobody ever seems to have any real real realizations. Ever. And society and other people just enable them, and then they just keep trying to throw shit in my face. …So if I don’t say something? No. There’s a problem.

You’ll have to just deal with it!

*she rolls her eyes*

Tucker Carlson: Chris I’ve slept with this woman once, but still.

I would never sleep with your wife. I’m just being brutally honest with you.

I would never sleep with you.

When someone as out of your league as she was and still is, is interested in you sexually, you have to ask yourself what’s going on? She actually is straight and yet at the time you could’ve asked yourself if she was a lesbian and been perfectly within reason. Because it really was weird that she was interested in you. You could’ve also found some other explanation, like a “homeschooled upbringing”.  Or a psychological issue. 

*he laughs*

Or she could’ve just really liked you.

…I think she did value you, and I think she was “homeschooled”. Which means that when she gets older and has normal adult sexual experiences, you have to let go of your delusion.  The delusion being that she was going to be really interested in you the way that your wife is. Because, people who are that dramatically different than each other, rarely find each other sexually attractive in a normal, functional way. 

You were way out of your league with her. And it was an unpleasant relationship for both of you. And then you met your wife and you fell in love, and you did something wrong. You should have just broken-up with Lacey and said, “I found someone who I like more than you, and don’t take it personally! I don’t have a choice! You know how that is? We don’t have a choice about such things.”. But you were a coward. You were too afraid of hurting her feelings and feeling stupid, and so you lied to her face and totally disrespected her as a person. And you totally defamed your own character, because you told her, “I couldn’t live with lying and cheating like that…and looking myself in the mirror!”. *he laughs* That was a despicable thing to choose to do! Adding that on top of the insult!? You had to be that disrespectful!? It wasn’t enough for you that you were cheating on her!?

I can see why she questions if you’re capable of love, based on your psychology.

Chris: I hated her.

Tucker: For petty reasons, right?

Chris: Yes.

Tucker: They actually are a petty reasons, whether you realize that or not, as an adult.

Bill: She was never interested in sex. Because he’s short.

Tucker: Yeah.

And he took it very personally.

Chris: What did she see in me?

Lacey: I thought you were very diligent.

I thought you were a hard-working person. Very disciplined!

Chris: I just thought you were pretty.

Satan: That’s all!? *he laughs*

Chris: Yeah!

I didn’t give a shit about her, almost at all. And I thought that made me a better man. I thought it made me stronger and more rugged and masculine.

A podcast bro: So you got rid of the one with real tits? Lacey. To date a scarecrow!?!

*he laughs*

Chris: *thinks*

I think… I outsmarted myself.

Lacey: She snuck-up on you.

Chris: *laughs*

She did.

Lacey: I’m glad…you outsmarted yourself. I just wish it hadn’t of involved me.

I could just be happy for you, if you hadn’t of been cruel and twisted.

*later*

Laura from Messiah: I told her how beautiful she is!

I told her that he had started to hate that about her…

A professional: You told her? Or you hinted at it?

Laura: I hinted.

Lacey: I got confused.

What exactly were you trying to say?

Laura: So this whole time, she’s never known what I was talking about!?!

The CIA: YES.

Laura: That makes sense of her reaction.

*she thinks*

No. He dumped her because he got sick of feeling like…he wasn’t as good-looking as her. She didn’t make him feel that way. But he just felt that way.

The CIA: Here’s some proof of the supernatural. Because she’s never really realized that.

You were not clear.

Lacey: I also didn’t feel comfortable talking about it. The little I did grasp.

So, he felt…uncomfortable?

Laura: *nods*

Lacey: Why!?

Laura: You just-

He felt…insecure. And it made him sad.

Lacey: And Liz made him feel what?

Laura: Happy.

*she shrugs*

Lacey: Why?

Laura: *thinks*

I think…to him…she was prettier. …Like, you were hot. But…she was…special.

Lacey: Yeah! No, I understand.

…Why didn’t he just tell me!?

Laura: *nods*

Lacey: He should have found some way to tell me.

Chris: Because then you’re not only prettier, you’re a stronger person than me too! *he yells*

Putin: GROW A DICK.

*he laughs at Chris*

Lacey: There had to have been some way to be more respectful.

Chris: *takes a deep breath and exhales*

Like what?

*he rolls his eyes*

Lacey: *thinks*

Like…”You’re really hot.

I mean, you’re so hot!

But…I just met someone who makes me feel…alive.”

Chris: *looks sad*

“I have had such a crush on you!

But…-

Do you know Liz!?!” I say? with real excitement

Lacey: Yeah!

I’d have said, “Liz who!?”

Chris: I wanted to paint you as unstable, in my own head.

*he cries*

I’m such a prick.

Lacey: Then you say what?

Chris: *he rolls his eyes*

“Liz.” And then I say her last name.

Lacey: *thinks*

You’re such an asshole! You invented shit about me in your head, instead of asking for the truth, didn’t you?

Chris: Yeah.

Lacey: I’d have said, “How serious are you?”

Chris: *looks upset*

*thinks*

I wanted to feel superior to you. I really did.

Umm…-

*cries*

*seems effeminate*

*calms himself*

“I don’t know yet.” I’d have said.

Lacey: *thinks*

“What happened!?!” I’d have said, out of confusion.

Chris: “I don’t know!? We just met!

And it’s like…I can’t stop thinking about her!”

Lacey: *thinks*

“Wow!”

Chris: *thinks*

“I’m sorry.”

Lacey: “You can’t help it. It’s okay.”

Chris: *looks nervous*

“Yeah.”

Lacey: “Let’s be friends!

I’m hurt… but I understand.”

Chris: *gets angry*

“Maybe.”

Lacey: “Okay.”

And then I’d have left. And not felt like shit.

The CIA: Did you know that she could handle it?

Chris: *closes his eyes and winces*

Yes…

The CIA: So you were just being sadistic?

Chris: I guess.

*later*

Laura from Messiah: So you get nothing out of being better than us!?!?

Lacey: I’m not a demon nor a monster.

What in hell would I get!? I’m just me. And if I’m that good-looking…then…- *she shrugs*

Laura from Messiah: *thinks*

I assumed you should be told the truth with kit gloves. Because if you knew the truth you’d have too much of an ego boost. Like, it would be dangerous.

Ruth: I assumed the opposite. …And I hated myself.

Chris: Yes.

We’ve all based our adult lives on it.

Somewhat.

Casi: …But you never really knew what actually happened!?!

Chris: Yes.

Casi: But you assumed, with full confidence, as adults…that you did!?!?

Chris: Yes.

Casi: *thinks*

Holy shit.

*later*

Tucker: What would have changed? If you’d understood.

Lacey: I’d have been more cautious. With a lot of people.

Far more cautious.

Chris: This is bad.

The CIA: Well, no shit!

Casi: Would you have joined the perfume community?

Lacey: Yes. But very carefully.

Chris: Chris, you fucked over the entire world. With your shit.

Why didn’t you try to explain!?

Chris: I thought she knew.

SO SHE THINKS WE’RE…like actual demons.

The Pope: YES!!!

What else is she supposed to think!!?

*later*

Chris: What did she think happened!?

Listen to “Heartaches” by Al Bowlly.

Lacey: *thinks*

That you…liked parts of my body. *she says cheerfully and casually*

But overall, you thought I was absolutely worthless shit.

Chris: Like…I’d rather you had never been created?

Lacey: Possibly.

Chris: But you say you’re better-looking!?

Lacey: BECAUSE I AM!!!

I’m not dumb. *she says pleadingly, hoping he’ll eventually catch-on*

A David Pitts fan, who knew them both in college: This is REAL!?!

The song ends.

Listen to “Midnight, the Stars and You” by Al Bowlly.

God: YES!!!!

The David Pitts fan: Oh my, GOD!

*in horror*

Yeah. They’re totally insecure…

Lacey!!! They’re totally insecure about how you look better than them! *she says, desperately*

Lacey: Maybe.

The David Pitts fan: So you don’t automatically believe that!?

Lacey: *looks offended, but as if she’s trying to keep her composure*

It’s not a pleasant thing to talk about.

But you think they’re insecure?

The song ends.

Listen to “Ain’t That A Kick In The Head” as performed by Dean Martin.

The David Pitts fan: YES!

They felt insecure.

They actually did notice what you looked like. In comparison to them.

Lacey: *thinks*

It didn’t seem like it.

So they’re actually noticing that!?

The CIA: No one has ever been honest with Lacey about this. Ever.

No one has ever clued her in.

We chose not to. It was useful.

Lacey: No.

I’m struggling to take this seriously and not think I’m being sadistically tricked.

I am very beautiful. You can’t fool me.

But…I’ve never heard this before.

*later*

Shaveydavy: You’ve never understood that we know you’re beautiful!?

Lacey: Yes.

In a way.

I think you know. But I don’t think you really know.

ShaveyDavey: So you think what?

Lacey: That you just don’t care. That my beauty is essentially nonexistent, unless you feel…too…threatened. Like, if you feel really threatened you get mean. Otherwise you don’t give a shit at all.

A male child, age 8, sold into Hell, financially supporting the U.S. as they wait to die: Do you care?

I see what she’s saying.

The David Pitts fan: How are you hearing this!??

The Illuminati: This one was used in a ceremony. In New Mexico. So they can read us, now.

Lacey: Answer his fucking question, YOU MORONS!!!! *she yells*

The Pitts fan: *panicking*

Yes. We do.

Lacey: *coughs, distracted and doing something else, once he’s given a proper response*

A reader: So she intimidates people. Constantly. And has no idea why?

The CIA: Yes. It’s very useful.

A reader: Why-

What does she think is happening?

The CIA: She’s assumed it was energetic. Somehow.

And, in a way, it is.

She acts totally unaware. Because she is. It allows most people, who often are narcissistic nowadays or scared, to act like it’s not real…even though it is. Which gives her a huge psychological advantage.

Casi: So what’s she supposed to do now!?

The CIA: Well…she’s aging. She needed to have some inkling.

And we’re having serious issues.

It’s better this way, now.

And…she barely believes it anyway.

A reader: So…people are actually affected by you. Or they have been.

Lacey: It doesn’t seem like it.

A reader: No! They are.

Lacey: I have flaws.

A reader: Like what?

Lacey: *thinks*

I’m not the popular ideal. At the moment.

A reader: Doesn’t mean people aren’t affected.

Lacey: Interesting!