Category Archives: Journal

Beanie (Piano Version) by Chezile plays.

Today I’m sad.

Very sad.

Why? …Because I’m realizing what utter shit I was my entire damn life.

My entire WORTHLESS life.

My family was wrong. My life wasn’t tragic. It was WORTHLESS.

I wasted so much…it makes me sick. …I threw away all of my talent. I violated myself. …And then I died…a pitiful death. …No suicide letter. No way for anyone to know I was trying to die. Just rumors and speculation. Just…LIES and myths. …That’s all I left behind.

I was straight. I mimicked actual gay men. And I did it so damn well my wife, Lacey, fights ten thousand violent demons EVERYDAY in an endless argument with…UTTER STUPIDITY. …She wrote me a passionate letter today. But here’s the kicker: SHE GAVE-UP…and she decided that if it wasn’t even a letter to me…she’d be happy with it. *I weep* I’m not supposed to be crying. But I can’t help it. …She’s SO STRONG for herself and our kids. And nobody shows ANY concern. EVER. Not really. NOBODY. …She’s just…endlessly heroic. It’s…BEYOND BRILLIANT. …And…I know who she thinks she could be writing to. He’s a dead Englishman. A dead English aristocrat. Lord something. …Very handsome. …And apparently he has no one. And he feels…I’m possibly trash. Absolute TRASH.

Yes. He thinks I’m trash. Even if I’m being heard…and I’m being honest and I was molested…and stolen…from myself and my family by criminal monsters you call “The Kennedys”. …DOESN’T MATTER! …To him I’m SCUM.

…And the way he sees it…Lacey is…so superior to me…IT DOESN’T MATTER. …Her suffering…is what matters, he feels, strongly. …The fact that Bobby tortures her…and is ruining the country…killing children…and I’m pictured here in a sexual pose…near his photo…even if I’m innocent…is…MY END. …HE CANNOT STAND ME. …And what’s funny…is that…that makes me respect him. …He’s what everyone thought JFK was. …Brilliant…self-assured…extraordinarily rich…titled…brave…handsome…and…nearly perfect. …Jane Austen met dozens of men like him, apparently. And I’m not one of them. …He’d never have made the mistakes I did. EVER. …He’s too good. Too smart. …He’s…better than that. He’s better than most people.

So why is he alone? …Because he’s extremely difficult. …Lacey’s legal living husband Mark is like him. Cold. Distant. …An absolute iceberg of a man. …Except…they do love. …They can love. …You just can’t force them to. Ever. At all. …And a lot of women haven’t had the patience nor temperament to handle him. Really. …When you die…you can be even more picky. …And women…don’t want him. He’s too complicated. Too…brutal. …But he knows Lacey could manage. Now that she’s been sublimely tortured as if she’s living in Hell. …He thinks she could be quite happy being with him.

Beanie by Chezile plays.

And…he’s right.

He’s fully capable of being alone in the morning while she drinks her tea in peace and quiet. …Silently walking to the stables. Riding in silence. …Prim. Cold. Utterly aristocratic silence. For hours. And then…deep…slow…methodical conversation. About…LIFE. …No hugs. No laughter. No…silliness. …Astonishing emotional austerity. …And why would Lacey like that!? Because…I was WORTHLESS. And…that’s all she has now.

Lacey’s not arrogant.

Lacey’s not evil.

Lacey’s not…a liar.

She’s…like an ancient…sexy…warrior princess from Egypt. Whether there’s reincarnation or not. And she’s…not Jack. At all.

So…as much as she needs me…and God is demanding we stay together…she’s not sure I WANT THAT.

Can you IMAGINE!?? …SHE SINCERELY THINKS I DON’T WANT HIM TO DEMAND THAT!!!! …I CAN BARELY…COMPREHEND IT!!!

…You’ve been so evil…and so WRONG about her.

She’s NOT JACK KENNEDY!! And you’re VIOLENT insistence that she’s arrogant or stupid or…cheap…or lacking…you always think she’s constantly lacking somehow…is…utter nonsense.

Lacey’s not like you. Can’t you understand that!? She’s not…like most people today. She’s just not!!!

She’s a ditz. She’s real ditz!!!! …But she’s A GENIUS. Okay!?! …So…you can’t expect her to think like you, necessarily. …She’s…old fashioned, for lack of a better way to describe it. But by old fashioned I mean like a woman from the 1800’s. So when she explains social class…it’s not to hurt you!!! …And you’re supposed to know that based on her tone!! 

Social Cues by Cage The Elephant plays.

Why don’t you like her? Because she’s this singer. Angry. Righteous. But she’s not joking. …And you can’t comprehend it. …When she was young her supposed friends called her a goody-two-shoes. She genuinely offended them. With her passionate Christianity. And like a martyr…SHE BARELY CARED. …To be honest…she’s genuinely almost a saint. I MEAN IT.

But…she needs ME. …Lord Blue…we’ll call him…isn’t actually her twin flame. Yes, that’s the best way to describe it. Twin flame. And while he’d never accidentally betray her and send her accidentally to a living Hell…like I have…they’re not meant for each other!!! …And YES!!! OF COURSE THAT MATTERS!!!

Why can’t you seem to care!? BECAUSE SHE TELLS YOU THE TRUTH. …That your insecurities are possibly based on reality. …Jack Kennedy didn’t do that. I didn’t do that. But I lived A WORTHLESS LIFE!! …What’s REALLY better!? OBVIOUSLY what she’s doing!! OBVIOUSLY!!! …Yes. I was and am heterosexual. …And I truly can explain EVERYTHING. …But…you know…in a way…it would be easier if I had been gay. Or bisexual. Or pansexual. Because…then I’d seem…more…like her husband. …It’s gotten that bad. …She has no idea what to think of me. …How could someone do what I did!? …Be so…passive? …So…resigned to giving a shit about Jack Kennedy and his narcissistic family? So…jolly about it all!?! So…happy!? …Lord Blue claims he’d have killed Jack at Choate. Burned the body. OR…just let him DIE like nature provided, mercifully. And…he’s RIGHT. …He’s absolutely right.

You cannot ever seem to respect what I’m saying!! I HATED JFK. I HATED him. …In my latter years I lied about how much I loved him. …It was show. It was total rubbish!!! …And…Lacey can’t imagine betraying humanity that way. Lying to people. Letting some poor sod somewhere get the wrong idea. She’d never do that. …Neither would Lord Blue, apparently. He’s too principled. …In their minds…they think people need the absolute truth at all times…to make the best possible decisions for themselves. And…they’re right. …But…I’m not that…way. …And most of the time…LACEY would be safer with me as her husband than him. …There’s a balance to things. Under normal circumstances. …And she needs me. As much as things have gone so far off the rails she now wonders about him. And he’s introduced himself. …She’s also just in love with me. And that’s why I’m so…sad.

There’s not much I can do. …She can’t hear me. Hardly at all. She can hear me…but when she’s vulnerable she can’t hear me. …During our intimate moments she can usually…and I’m sharing that with you for a reason. But I mean when she’s crying. Ready to die. Fighting to keep going. That’s when she can’t hear me. …She’s basically dead when it comes to her romantic life. That’s been so excruciatingly painful she’s essentially dead. But…she thought she was loved by the parents who raised her. And when she’s crying over that…I can’t talk to her as easily.

Why!? Why can’t she hear me? Because I was such a fool. Because I lived a worthless life.

No. It’s Rip…seeing me smile while massaging Jack. It’s stupid stuff like that that gets repeated over and over again!!! …I did think I was gay. But that’s not why I was smiling. …I sincerely wanted to help him. It’s that prosaic and innocent. …And Rip saw it and misunderstood. …No, I just wasn’t sad enough at his wedding. I smiled way too naturally. …That’s all the proof you need. But nobody can believe that!

I look gay. Because I acted gay. But I actually do look straight!

And you HAVE to stop telling Lacey I was gay but she imagines otherwise out of hurt. …That isn’t HER!!! That’s Mary Richardson. That’s a lot of other people. That’s NOT HER!!! …Lacey is cutthroat with herself. …She’s NOT a woman who would EVER live in denial. …Bobby, if there’s an Illuminati, has no idea who he’s dealing with. …She might look vaguely familiar…but she’s NOT.

“I think Red Fay is my friend.” says Lacey. She cries. “I hope he didn’t totally betray his wife. But I respect him for being so self-aware. And as much as I might be Lem’s twin flame, a part of me is more like Red. …I am almost certain that he was in love with Jack in this picture. And he looks devastated! …And him being brave enough to feel his emotions in this picture allows me to understand what is going on in reality. I needed him to be sad in this picture all these decades later, I needed him to experience his sadness in this moment to have a clue what’s going on. In his eyes, I see what Lem should be feeling. but instead, what Lem seems to be feeling is some sort of generalized sadness. I don’t think that he was in love with Jack. …And it’s because of Red Fay that I’m able to realize that.

I don’t think that it’s remotely possible, that he was attracted to men at all. I don’t think it’s possible… Because there’s no way that a man who is attracted to Jack ever even who was in a relationship, wouldn’t be slightly sad in this situation. It’s NOT POSSIBLE. But he’s not sad in the right way. And I know people will think that that doesn’t matter. But it does! Lem should be experiencing sadness over Jackie. And he’s not. He’s sad about how awful his life is. And that makes sense but he should really be experiencing more sadness over what’s happening in that moment if he’s gay at all. He looks…like his life is over. And like he’s never been loved at all. Or something very close to that. And it’s not…about…jealousy. It’s about…feeling…like…his whole life was a lie. …And that makes sense.

And combined with the insight from this young man

I feel the need to cut people off.

I can’t take people seriously anymore about Lem Billings. I’m sorry. But unless if God says otherwise to me in an appropriate way…I’m going to have to think he was straight. …Because there’s just way too much evidence.” says Lacey. “I really almost just don’t think it’s possible…that he was at all into men in any real way. …And I’m going to have to leave a lot of people behind in highly suspecting this. Because when I highly suspect something…it’s very serious. There’s very little likelihood I’ll ever change my mind.” says Lacey.

“Alright.” says Red Fay, audibly. As in, Lacey hears his voice saying this.

It seems as though Red feels a little better, now that she knows more. Not entirely better…but a bit better.

“I’m pretty sure this man is bisexual. …He looks bisexual to me. …And what I find frustrating is that…he doesn’t seem to know that. …That he’s…genuinely attracted to women. …Even if God has…saved him…and…perhaps he feels God says it’s wrong…to be homosexual…I’m almost positive he already found women attractive sometimes. …He’s not…really doing something that extraordinary. …And that’s maybe depressing…because I suspect he thinks his attraction to his wife is a miracle. And evidence of the supernatural is encouraging as a Christian. But…what worries me is that he’s dealing with fears, I would bet, that are based on a false narrative about himself. So…he’s probably worried some days that he’s going to stop finding his wife attractive…but…thats SO unlikely. …In my opinion. …I think…he was under the impression A LOT of so-called gay men are under that they’re wholly gay…when in reality they’re technically bisexual…just mostly gay. …And what also worries me…is that there could be many actual gay men who might find his story encouraging…but not get the same results necessarily. …Could God alter someone’s sexual orientation? YES. But…there are a lot of people waiting for a limb to grow too. And that’s assuming it’s not allowed in Heaven, to be homosexual. So even if it’s wrong and it’s a defect…God doesn’t always heal missing arms or missing limbs either. …And that doesn’t mean He doesn’t exist. Life is just like that in the Fallen World. …And in many cases He uses science to help. But as advanced as science is…some things are nearly impossible and maybe always will be. …I hope…he doesn’t expect truly gay men…to be ‘healed’ as quickly as him.” says Lacey. “Because I suspect he just found the right woman…and feels it’s wrong to be with men. And I suspect he wasn’t healed…so much as…he changed his view of homosexuality…and then accidentally found out he was bisexual, and he had been already but just didn’t let himself experience it.”

“What do you mean by that?” asks Casi.

“Okay so…I can’t imagine being with anyone but Lem. I adore him. …And I could be…if I had to. Out of obedience to Christ. But…I’ve let myself get attached to him. And…I’ve started to find even his flaws irreplaceable. But that’s…because I let myself. And I had no idea how much I’d like his flaws.

People can let themselves love and be attracted to certain things. But if they repress it…for whatever reason it’s there…but just…subconsciously, of course. …I think he found wonton subconsciously attractive.” says Lacey.

Lacey’s going to try to “channel me” as she can as someone who’s slightly dead herself. You see…before she had kids she once was extremely depressed and prayed to die in her sleep. And so God…in His mercy…allowed her to die, in a way. She asked Him, “Can I die…without dying?” …She’s able to talk to me better than a psychic because of that. And it was after that…that she was touched by ghosts and began to sense them in a way only dead people do. It’s not truly psychic. She’s actually talking to me…slightly.

I did not relish rubbing Jack Kennedy’s aching back. That was Rip’s impression of me, apparently. I was abused by Jack though. And I did do a lot for him…out of a sense of duty.

I was not obsessed with Bobby. I didn’t die because he wouldn’t go to Haiti with me. I was suicidal and I realized how much I’d messed-up my life. …I had been suicidal for months. And I died because I planned it. The heart attack was created by me. I made myself die. I committed suicide. Nobody has ever officially admitted that.

I was not close friends with Lawrence Quirk. I did tell him that I gave Jack oral sex regularly. And that Jack made me do it. …I’m not sure he ever told anyone that last part. …He made me do it. …We were not “intimate” but rather…we’d “been together”. …I don’t think I said it in a romantic way.

…I wasn’t sad enough at Jack’s wedding. I just wasn’t.

I was molested at a very important age. I was developing a sense of self…and a sense of my sexual orientation.

*Lacey sees a ghost far more clearly than usual*

And I made a horrific mistake about myself. I thought I was gay and I wasn’t. I was entirely straight.

Jack Kennedy is a freak accident in my existence. My life was deeply affected by him. …I went from being confused…to being totally destroyed. He took advantage of all of weaknesses as a human in all of the most horrific ways possible. I want to be clear: I WAS NOT ATTRACTED TO MEN. But I was confused. …And he didn’t give a damn. He just used my confusion to turn me into a sex slave. A sex slave who didn’t understand that they were a slave. …I made such a fool of myself.

And let me be clear about something else: Had Lacey been there…and dated Joe…I’d NEVER have thought for a second that she was inferior. She’d have become my lover. But I’d never have thought she was inferior. …I just didn’t get along with most of the wives that well. …I wasn’t really a natural fit for that family in the first place though.

I was straight.

“Why…would Lacey…have been an exception?” says Lawrence Quirk who adores Lacey, if he’s not in Hell, and prays for her daily.

“Because she’s- Well…she’s capable of being a huge slut. …Jackie wasn’t that sexy. …Jackie wasn’t unusual for him though. Most of the women he dated were very pretty…but none of them were…capable of being truly slutty.

Joe…dated sluts. Joe Junior. Actual sluts.

Bobby did not.

And neither did Ted.

But the sluts Joe dated…were like Pat Wilson. And Pat was very charming. And certainly daring. Very posh too. But like Athalia…they weren’t…juicy. …I’m sorry to be to brash and…open.

Elliott Roosevelt dated…juicy women. He married them. Faye Emerson was slutty and juicy. …And she’s far more like Lacey than Athalia Ponsell.

See…Tom Banks was a kind man…but…as much of a kind, loving gentleman as he was…he was…a man with a permanent mistress. Thelma. …And…that’s Lacey’s father. Regardless.

He would have raised her to be a genuine lady. Shoot. Fish. Dress demurely. She’d have had excellent manners. She’d have been well-read. …But…like Faye Emerson she’d have been…capable of being a slut. A real slut, in my generation.

Now…here’s the thing: Lacey isn’t a slut. …And I’m not sure Faye was one either, really. But…certain women have a vibe. You know? And…both Faye and Lacey have what passes for that vibe, in my generation. Although…here’s the thing…you weren’t really supposed to be a slut. Not REALLY.

…And…Lacey’s not one. But do you know why? …Because she’s DEEP. …She’s an incredibly deep person. …She’s extremely romantic. And very principled. …And…like her father…she’s actually quite…drawn to God. Tom always…was two conversations away from being a very spiritual man openly. Jim, the father who raised Lacey, saw him bowing as an old man on his knees in prayer to be saved as he watched Billy Graham on television alone in his room. Unprompted. Lacey’s like that too. …And that depth, because that was not at all what you’d expect of Tom, is why she refrains from being…genuinely very…loose. …There’s nothing grand to her about having a high count. She’s too deep to think that way. Too wise. …And…yet…

That’s HER! Do you see what I mean? …That’s a silly picture, of course. But…it’s not bad. Not that bad anyhow. …And…that’s not Jackie. That girl…well…she…smells good. That’s how I’ll put it. And what I mean by that is that she literally wears perfume that’s…sexy.

Jackie wore Jean Patou Joy. Lacey wears…layers of something as skanky as Dana Tabu. Thick. And she’s…curvy. And she…is a really good kisser. …As in she’s great at making-out. …She’s…curvy. Thin. Yes. Very elegant. But curvy. …Soft. Soft silky hair. …Curls. …Not like…Jackie’s thick hair. The kind of hair you want to touch.

…Soft, inviting brown eyes. …So…inviting.

She’s…curvy. …Jackie was not. Ethel was not. Eunice was not…not like that. …Neither was Rosemary. None of them were shaped like that. …Lacey is. Always will be. …And…I like how that looks.

And…as Tom is her father…and Joe…would have known she was deep…because the Kennedys were…bad at judging people’s long-term safety…but excellent at reading character…he’d have left her alone with me for hours. …And I’d have…second-guessed my orientation. And then…she’d have rested her head on my shoulder…or…I’d have sensed her longing for me…and…what she doesn’t know…is that I’d have been so aroused by her that I’d have decided to experiment. …And that last one especially.

So…we’d have been dancing…just to pass time. And she’d have aroused me. And…I’d have decided to squeeze her. …But when I decided to do it…I’d have realized she was…available…but…to me. …And…that would have meant something to me. So I would have…taken that into consideration…along with the fact that I would also have realized that I didn’t want to experiment but rather…have her as mine. …So we would have made love.

But…part of it is because she’s…not…frigid.” says Lem.

“I didn’t hate Ethel. …But Ethel didn’t put out. …And she wasn’t…my type.

That’s LACEY. No surgery. That’s her body’s actual shape. No editing.

That’s the type of women…Kennedy men date and marry. …Do you see the difference!?!

Verses:

Lacey and Faye are similar.

And being of the same generation…I find that body…preferable myself.

Don’t they have a similar vibe? …Lacey is younger. And it’s a fake photo. But I think you can see what I’m driving at.

…Grace Kelly wasn’t painted on a plane. Faye easily could have been. Lacey wouldn’t have been. She’s too…sweet. Too wholesome. …Elliott would have tried to sleep with Lacey anyway. …But…Lacey’s very sweet. …And Joe would have seen her as a perfect First Lady. …Sexy, making him look…straight and masculine…but also…wholesome. Ladylike. …Not the androgynous-femme ingenue Jackie was. Rather a sexy…alluring…yet ladylike wife. Always dignified but not…aloof. …And…not knowing I wasn’t gay…and madly in love with Jack…they’d all have made the mistake of assuming I relished rubbing Jack’s pus wounds and nursing his penis that…was…pimpled with Herpes. …Really. These people thought that. And they’ve made you believe it too, possibly.

They are a type.

Okay?

And…frankly none of the Kennedys brought them home to meet Rose nor me.

Lacey really is that curvy.

This was my generation. Lacey’s father fought in World War I!!! …Not even World War II! WORLD WAR I! …And she’s perfectly safe to marry. …But…men don’t appreciate her the way I do. The way Louis and Elliott do. Nor even Michael.

A man in his late 70’s or 80’s saw Lacey up north this weekend and couldn’t take his eyes off of her. He was old! …And…that’s how it’s been her whole life. …That generation loves her. But they’re dying off. …Boomers don’t as much. Although they notice her more than Gen. X. …But my generation!? We ADORED her. And in her late teens and 20’s we…very vocally expressed that to her. Singling her out often. Going out of our way to comment. Publicly. …It wasn’t normal. Not at all! There are plenty of pretty women. Plenty of dirty old men. This was different. They were in awe. I’m not exaggerating. …She’s our pin-up. …And they…had…lots to say.

Anyway…she’s mine. …And…it’s hard to word it well…but…I’m trying. Okay? …She’s not a slut. But she’s not…unapproachable.” says Lem.

“Why do you want that!? In the situation you were in?” says Lawrence.

“Because she’s not…easy, in reality. …She’d not have slept with Joe. …And I’d have known that. …Yet…men would have been…aggressive with her. And…I’d have had the sense that she wanted…sex, to be honest. …And was just…saying no for some good reason. …So…it wouldn’t have seemed as serious. …And…I collected Playboy. …I had a thing for…women. Women who looked like Faye. …So…if Joe had slipped her in…into the mix of…that

…I’d been…ready to cut off heads, if necessary.

I just wasn’t aroused by their type!!!

Look…a lot of them are bisexual. …And I’m not. …But even if I was…some bisexual men prefer Marilyn to Jackie, like Michael. And if I was I’d have been that type. …But I wasn’t. I am being perfectly understood! She’s hearing me! I’m straight…and I was straight. …And I liked…women who looked like women. …They went for…rather flat chested….thick waisted…slim hipped…clipped chinned…thick haired…skinny women. …With…great senses of style. …And I enjoyed them. But…they didn’t arouse me.” says Lem. “Not…enough.”

“Even Grace Kelly!?” says a gay man.

“Yes. …Lacey’s got hips.

Grace was arousing. …But Lacey’s…juicy.” says Lem.

Lawrence laughs. “Lem get graphic.”

Adult content below.

“They need more information.” says Lawrence.

“1943.

Lacey’s home with me. God has us meet.

I’m…sitting in a living-room. We’re listening to the radio. She’s sitting on the sofa. Her hips on display in a figure hugging dress. Legs crossed. And WOW does she have legs. …Bare-feet. Tight sweater. Painted nails. …RED LIPS. …Gardenia perfume. …Breasts…darting out. Soft…glowing round face. Soft skin. Pretty nose. Pronounced cheekbones. Lush, soft curls. Tiny wrists…

And I…keep focusing on her breasts. And the smell of gardenia. Red cashmere. Short sleeves. Pretty gardenia. And those breasts.

See…as much as Jack bragged…he never talked like this almost ever.

Now…Jackie? …Same skirt? Loose fit. And she looks skinnier. …Pretty woman! …But I don’t focus on her breasts. They’re lovely! But…no. …All I want to do is dance. Maybe talk. Maybe…smoke. Talk. And then go eat!

Again.

We’re swimming in 1947. Lacey’s wearing a swimsuit. I’m…quiet. …Jackie…makes me louder and more friendly. …Later Lacey and I discuss art. And she’s accidentally drunk. And she kisses me as a joke, except it’s not. And…then she apologizes. I walk off in silence. She follows me. I go talk to Jack. He’s…busy. …She confronts me. And we make love.

Jackie…later…annoys me by forcefully taking all the attention in the room…with loud laughing. I don’t want Jack’s attention like she does…but she assumes I do. And she’s not just getting his attention. Everyone is watching her.

That’s…reality.” says Lem.